I Love Lucy (1951) s05e05 Episode Script

("I love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, I Love Lucy.
(applause) Hurry up! I am hurrying up.
Come on! Oh, look at this.
I had no idea a train was nice as Oh, Mother, look.
They got the little beds already made up.
Oh, it's a beautiful train.
Come on, I'll take the baby, Micky.
All right, Mother Micky.
Oh, come on, darling.
All right, I mean, I I can't help it.
Come on.
Phew.
Gee, these things are heavy.
Why didn't you let the porter carry them, Fred? I'll give you three guesses.
I need the exercise.
I'm building up my muscles.
You'd get more exercise if you'd try to pry open that pocketbook of yours.
Aah! Oh, gee, I'm really on a train.
This is my first train trip, you know.
You're kidding! No.
No.
She's never been on a train before.
No, of course, I know all about them.
I've seen them in movies and everything.
Which car do the spies usually ride in? Spies? Yeah.
This wouldn't by any chance be the Orient Express, would it? ETHEL: Oh, Lucy.
Gee, I can't believe it.
I'm taking the city of Los Angeles home.
Is that what you've got in these bags? Oh, Fred Just be joyous.
Have fun.
Are you gonna be all right with those, Fred? (all chattering) Well, what a silly way to run a train.
What do you mean? Look: "Danger.
Do not touch.
Emergency brake.
" Well? Well, don't tell me if there's an emergency, the engineer has to run way back here to stop the train? No, honey.
They got one of those in every car.
The engineer has his own set of brakes.
Well, I'm awful glad to hear that.
Oh, honey, I can't tell you how happy I am to be going home on a train! I bet Little Ricky's gonna enjoy it.
Oh, look, I didn't know they had little hallways like this.
I thought they all, they all had compartments that opened on the outside.
That's only in those foreign movies you've been seeing.
Oh! Well, this is our compartment and Mother must be over here in B.
Yeah.
Pardon me.
Oh, yes, of course.
Mother, are you and the baby okay? What's up, porter? How soon do we leave? Right away, sir.
You can set your watch by the domeliner.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Those go in there, please.
LUCY: Oh, isn't this cute! Ricky Yeah? There's a little door that connects the two rooms.
It's just like a little apartment.
Yeah, they think of everything.
Yeah.
Oh.
Pardon me, sir.
Yeah.
Oh, certainly.
Thank you, porter.
Thank you, sir.
RICKY: Ah, there! Here they come.
Hey, this is great.
We're in the car right ahead of you.
Yeah? Oh, yeah? Yeah, we're neighbors.
'Course, we're out of the high-rent district.
Uppers, 12 and 13.
Oh, stop complaining.
The altitude's good for your sinus.
Come on in and sit down.
No, no, no, we're headed for the diner.
There's a car right behind.
The diner so soon? Guess who's hungry already.
The bottomless pit.
Oh, now, Fred.
I heard they had wonderful food on this train and I want to get in there before it's all gone.
Now, don't worry.
They'll have plenty.
They heard you were coming.
Oh, you're so funny.
Let's go.
We'll see you later.
When we get settled, we'll be up there.
All right.
Gee, they have all the luck.
Their car is right next to the diner.
Well, maybe I can get you an upper right over the stove.
Then you can just let down a basket for your food.
If I wasn't so hungry, I'd slug you.
Try to amuse him, dear.
The crayons are in that little bag, huh.
Ricky? Yeah, honey? Are you hungry? Well Let's go up and join the Mertzes, huh? All right.
Okay, I-I'll just take for a minute to fix up.
Okay.
Oh, Ricky, now, where's my bag? You had it.
Mother, is my bag in there? MRS.
McGILLICUDDY: No, no, dear.
LUCY: Well, that's funny.
I don't see it here anyplace.
It's all the stuff the porter brought in.
Are you sure it isn't in there? MRS.
McGILLICUDDY: Well, no, dear, it isn't in here.
Ricky, my bag is gone! Now, honey, it can't be gone.
It was there a minute ago.
My purse is gone! Now, let's see.
I had it when I bought the magazines.
It's, uh it's at the newsstand.
The newsstand! Ricky, go and get it! I can't go and get it.
The porter said the train is leaving right now.
Ricky, please, please, go get my purse.
Oh, honey, it's silly.
We'll wire them, and they'll send it ahead.
No, Ricky, no! Go! Honey, what can be so wonderful about that old bag of yours? It's got the train tickets in it! Oh, no! Yeah! What's the matter with you?! LUCY: Honey, I'm sorry! Hurry up! Oh, please Oh, dear.
Excuse me, lady.
Excuse me, sir.
LUCY: Oh, I don't know.
I-I-I Honey All visitors off, please.
Wh-What do you mean? Why do you say that? Well, the train's about to leave, ma'am.
But it can't leave! It can't leave! You tell them to hold the train, porter.
Tell them to hold the train! I'm sorry, ma'am.
You'll have to speak to the conductor.
(train whistle blowing) We're moving.
Hey, you stop the train! You have to stop the train.
I'm sorry, madam.
I can't do that.
Stop this train! Lady, I-I can't stop this train once it's started.
We have rules, you know.
But-but my husband isn't on yet.
Please! We left him back at the station.
Well, he can take a cab and pick us up at Riverside.
Riverside?! Oh, no! (hissing) (rumbling and crashing) (glass shattering) Mother, are you all right? Well, we're all right.
What was that? Oh, I-I don't know.
The train just made a slight hesitation.
I'll be right back.
Lucy! What made the train stop like that? Gosh, what a jolt.
I didn't get a bite of my food.
What happened? I stopped the train.
What?! Why? Well, Ricky got off to get my purse and they started without him.
Oh, that's too bad.
Oh, he'll make it.
I hope so.
Eww! Come on, Fred.
Let's go get out of this food and into something more comfortable.
Well, I sure hope so.
Did you stop this train? Me? You.
Well, uh Madam, did you stop this train by pulling that handle? Well, I didn't do it by dragging my foot! I told you not to.
And I told you that my husband wasn't on the train yet.
Sheesh! In the future, madam, would you allow me to decide when and where this train shall stop? Gladly.
Thank you.
Now, if it meets with your approval, I would like to inform the engineer that he may proceed.
According to our schedule, we are already several minutes la Oh, Ricky, you made it! Oh, honey thank you.
Yeah, I made it.
What happened? You look like you ran into something.
I did.
What? The back of the train.
Honey, why did you do that? I had just gotten your purse when the train started to leave, so I ran after it.
I was catching up with it and I was just making a flying leap for the back of the train when it stopped and wham, bang! I ran right into it.
(train whistle blowing) Well, nice to have you aboard, dear.
Why did they stop the train like that anyway? Well, maybe there was a cow on the tracks.
A cow in Los Angeles? We haven't gotten out of the city yet.
How can there be a cow? Now, dear, get washed up.
It's all right, dear.
(train whistle blowing) Mother, are you ready to go and eat? Oh, dear, the baby's so sleepy.
We'd better stay here.
But will you bring us something? Oh, sure, dear.
Here, I'll give you the tickets in case the conductor comes by.
I'll bring you a little sandwich or something.
Come on, Ricky.
All right, dear.
Hi.
Hi.
LUCY: Oh, hi.
Where you going? To the diner.
You gonna eat again? What do you mean, "again?" We didn't get anything to eat.
Our food just came when the train stopped.
Oh.
I got so many mashed potatoes on my shirt, Ethel will never have to starch it again.
Come on.
All right.
You going, too? Yeah, we're going.
Excuse me.
Excuse us.
Thank you.
May I see your ticket, please? Oh, oh, yes.
All right.
It's right here.
Thank you.
Why, I'm very sorry, madam, but you're in the wrong compartment.
Well, this says compartment B.
Yes, but this calls for compartment B in 107.
This is 108.
Oh, but my daughter and her husband are in that compartment.
Well, I'm very sorry, lady.
I have to go by the tickets.
I'll show you to the other compartment.
Oh, oh, dear.
Oh, oh, Sam! Yes? Will you get this luggage? We'll have to move it down to the next car.
Yes, sir.
Here we go.
Just follow me, please.
Okay.
Oh, my.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Estes.
Oh, hi.
Nice to have you aboard.
Thank you.
Your, uh, ticket? Oh, here you are.
Thank you.
How, uh, how's the jewelry business? Oh, a very successful trip.
Very successful.
Why well, it must be successful if you have to wear that.
(chuckling): Oh, I always carry this.
Never had occasion to use it, though.
Good.
Mom.
I Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I must have the wrong car.
I'm sorry.
I I'm sorry, sir, but I left my mother and child in there and I Why, I'm sorry, madam.
There's no one in here but me.
Well, ar-are you sure? I know that I left them in here.
You see, we're in compartment A and we have the adjoining compartments.
Ma-Ma-Madam, I'm the only one in here.
Wh-Wh-What have you done to my baby?! Help! Well, madam, I Help! Don't you touch me! Don't touch me! Help! Help! Conductor! My mother and child are missing! Help! Help! Help! Help! (hissing) (rumbling and crashing) Oh, no! Never mind that! Arrest that man! My mother and child are missing! Oh, your mother and child are in the next car.
Oh.
What what car? Why? Why are they in there? Their tickets call for compartment B but in 107.
Well I only hope they don't run out of food before we run out of clothes.
Yeah.
I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life.
Everybody in the train is talking about the screwy redhead with the itchy trigger finger.
You'd have done the same thing.
He's carrying a gun.
A lot of people carry guns.
You don't.
It's a good thing I don't.
Oh Probably a detective.
No! No! No! That's a criminal type if I ever saw one.
Close-set beady eyes and a weak chin.
Detectives have wide-set eyes and a strong chin.
Oh.
(brakes hissing) Don't look at me.
My hands are clean.
Oh, this must be Riverside.
Yeah.
(knock on door) Yes? Police.
Police? What can I do for you, sir? Would you mind showing me your identification? There you are.
Ricky Ricardo! Well, say, my kids have all your phonograph records.
Well, that's nice.
Thank you.
I'm sorry to bother you, but we've had a big jewel robbery in L.
A.
, and we're checking on all trains, planes and buses going east.
Oh, I see.
Well, uh, I hope you catch your thief.
Thank you, Mr.
Ricardo.
Good night, folks.
Good night.
Uh, Mr.
Detective, sir.
Yes, ma'am? Uh, if you're going into the next compartment, be careful.
That man's carrying a gun.
Oh? Thank you, Mrs.
Ricardo.
You're quite welcome, sir.
Police.
Why don't you mind your own business? I am minding my business as a citizen.
That's terrible.
It sure is.
I can't hear a thing.
Well, we'll hear plenty once the battle starts.
You'd better lie down.
Get out of the range of flying bullets.
That's funny.
That's funny.
He's going off without him.
Why couldn't he see that that man is a criminal? Well, maybe it's because the detectives' eyes are so far apart and his are so close together.
How can you make jokes? Aren't you concerned about riding all the way to New York with a criminal in the next compartment that's carrying a gun? No.
I'm a lot more concerned riding to New York on an empty stomach.
Oh Come on, I'm hungry.
Oh, all right.
Let's go.
Uh, you go ahead, dear.
I want to get my lipstick.
I'll be right along.
All right.
All right, come on in, Miss.
I want to talk to you.
Uh uh some other time.
Hey! (screaming) What's the matter? Ahh! That man in there is a real jewel thief.
I peeked through the door.
Oh, no.
I peeked through the door and I saw it.
I told you to stay out of it.
He's a real jewel thief.
I saw him.
Now, listen, honey.
I saw a million dollars worth of diamonds in there, honey! I saw it with my own eyes! You Listen to me! He's a jewel thief! Would you listen to me?! Now, look, the police have talked to this man in there.
Now it's the police case.
As far as you're concerned, this is finished.
This is the end, and I don't want you to talk to anybody about it.
Do you understand? All right.
Especially, I don't want you to tell Ethel about it.
Oh, Ethel.
I'm glad you reminded me not to tell Ethel.
(train whistle blowing) LUCY: Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
How have you been? Oh, wonderful.
Gee.
Aren't there four seats together someplace? There's two right down there.
You, you and Ricky take those, huh? Ethel and I want to sit and chat.
All right.
Come on, Rick, let's play some gin rummy.
All right.
I'm sending postcards.
I should do it.
I should Hey.
What? Don't forget what I told you.
I know, I know.
All right.
What was that all about? Ricky told me not to tell you something.
Well, you're not gonna let a little thing like that stop you, are you? Listen, Ethel, if Ricky told me not to tell you something, I'm certainly not gonna.
Good, they're gone.
What is it? Do you know why that detective got on at Riverside? No.
I was just dying to ask him.
Why? He's looking for a big jewel thief from Los Angeles.
Really? Yes, and I know who it is and what's more, he's aboard this train.
(gasps) Who is he? He's the man in the compartment next to ours.
ETHEL: How do you know that? Well, for one thing, he was carrying a gun, and when I peeked through the door, I saw Lucy, what were you doing peeking through the door? Do you want to hear this or don't you? Oh, yes.
All right.
When I peeked through the door, I saw a million dollars worth of diamonds.
Are you sure? I have never seen more diamonds outside of Tiffany's window.
I'll bet he's the biggest jewel thief in the whole world.
(gasps) I'll be right back.
Where are you going? Oh, I left my opal brooch in my overnight bag and I want to get it and pin it to my, uh I want to pin it.
Pardon me, Miss.
I couldn't help overhearing.
Are you sure of what you saw? Positive.
Good work.
Special agent.
My identification.
Oh, I should have known.
I can tell you fellows miles away.
Now, you say this fellow's in the compartment right next to yours, huh? Yes, Compartment B, car 108.
Close-set, beady eyes and weak chin.
That's our man all right.
Mm.
We'd better not waste any time.
Come on.
Me? Well, I need your help in capturing this dangerous criminal.
Oh, well, I Now, look, Miss, I'm not asking you.
This is an order.
Your government needs you.
Yes, sir! He's right in there.
What are you gonna do, rush him? No, I don't want any bloodshed.
Oh gee, you fellows are clever.
I'll hide, then I want you to get him into this compartment.
I'll have the drop on him.
Okay.
How am I gonna get him in here? You're a woman, aren't you? Yes.
Well? You mean, lure him in? Gee, this will look great in my memoirs.
"I was a woman for the FBI.
" That's great! Pretend you're sick.
Sick? Sure.
Then he'll come in here to help you.
Now, go on.
All right.
I'll pretend I'm sick.
(groaning): Help! Help! Help! Help! (groaning) Help! Help! Help! Help! What's all (groaning) Oh! Oh, boy, you got him.
Oh, look, he's colder than a mackerel.
Good work.
Oh, anything for J.
Edgar.
Oh, look.
Let's put the cuffs on him.
Come on, let's put the cuffs on him.
Let's put the cuffs on him.
Hurry up! Oh, boy! Come on, let's put the cuffs on him.
You don't need that.
He's unconscious.
Oh, boy, let's put the cuffs on You don't need that.
He's unconscious.
I know.
I made a boo-boo? He's not the man the police are looking for? No.
You? True.
Ew! For your sake, I'll keep your secret, I promise you.
I can promise you.
Oh, you don't have to promise me anything.
Now, you're the only living person that can identify me.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
We're gonna walk out of here and stop between the next two cars.
What for? Never mind! Ah, oh, all right! Now, remember, I got this gun on you.
Yeah, I'll remember.
All right, come on.
Okay.
Come on.
Move! Uh, hello! Oh, good evening.
I'd like you to meet my Shake hands with Mr.
J oh! Oh, that must be the crazy redhead everyone is talking about.
Now, no more funny business, you understand? I understand oh! Hello.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
(screaming) Excuse me.
I'll tell the conductor.
There's a man! (screaming) Lucy! What are you doing? He's the real jewel thief, Ricky.
Oh, hon He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Put that gun away.
(hissing) (rumbling and crashing) (glass shattering) I got him.
Goody.
I just won five dollars from the engineer.
Never mind that, I got the real jewel thief! This is the guy.
Grab the jewel case.
This is the guy that they were looking for.
LUCY: That's the real jewel thief.
And in the compartment back there.
I had no idea I caught a real jewel thief.
That was a real jewel thief that I caught.
It wasn't the man that I thought was a jewel thief.
(muttering): It was another one and I was this one back in here and all the time, he was a jewel thief.
(laughing) Say, Mrs.
Ricardo, how did you happen to find out this man was a criminal in the first place? Well, I don't know.
I guess I'm just a natural-born detective.
Uh, that, plus the fact that she's a natural-born snoop.
Oh, you stop! Say, Mrs.
Ricardo, how about one shot there, uh, you holding the emergency handle like you caught the criminal? Okay, Greg, get this.
Excuse me.
Yes, of course.
Excuse me.
No, no! (hissing) (rumbling and crashing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Tonight's cast included Frank Nelson, Lou Krugman, Harry Bartell, Kathryn Card, Joseph Crehan, Sam McDaniel, Sunny Boyne and Louis Nicoletti.
We are grateful for the splendid cooperation given us by the Union Pacific Railroad.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.