It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s05e05 Episode Script
The Waitress is Getting Married
[Dee.]
I don't know.
What do you think? It's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs.
You know what? Why don't you go grab five more? Look, we don't normally do this.
But I think I'm gonna need some proof that you're actually getting married.
What? Why? Because you've been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every Saturday for over a year now.
Yeah.
That's 'cause it takes a really long time to plan a wedding.
Don't get up all over my balls, Lucy.
Just go get the dresses.
When is the wedding? Soon.
Where? A church.
Which one? The nearby one.
The nearby one? Right down the street.
Which street? Spring.
What's your fiancé's name? Sam.
What does he do? S-S-Salt.
Salt? Sea salt.
Sea salt.
He's a salt seaman.
He- He dives in to the ocean for the sea salt.
And then he brings it back up.
And then we eat it.
So- Okay, I'm getting the manager.
Well, don't get the- [Sighs.]
Damn it.
- Dee Reynolds? - Yeah.
Brad Fisher.
From high school.
Brad Fisher.
No way.
Yeah.
You look amazing.
Your acne cleared up really well.
I kinda grew into myself.
Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
Why did I ever break up with you, you beefcake? It was because of the acne.
Was it because of the acne? Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, when it got real bad, you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.
Well, I don't really remember saying exactly that.
It's- It's fine.
We were kids.
We were kids.
We were kids! Yeah.
We're not kids anymore.
No.
Great.
Wow.
So you're- you're getting married.
Wow.
Yeah.
Uh, no, I'm not.
I'm not.
This is because I was.
But that- that didn't work out.
Why are you asking? Are you single? What's your situation? Um, I'm engaged.
Oh.
Yeah.
I mean, that's why I'm here.
My fiancée's trying on a dress.
I know I'm not supposed to see it before the wedding.
But we're having a whole nontraditional kinda small thing.
So you should meet her.
Babe.
Well, nah - [Woman.]
Yeah? - Come here for a second.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
What do you think of this one, Brad? It's beautiful, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[Buzzing.]
[Mac.]
Okay.
All right.
Well, don't poke at it.
Don't just poke Just get it safely into the box.
Dude, you're gonna agitate the bees.
Well, I'm fine with the bees.
It's the honey I don't want to agitate.
Is that your endgame here? Honey? Yeah.
I figure if we keep the hive in the basement, we'll always have honey.
[Buzzing.]
We'll always have bees is what we'll always have.
Whoa! What? What? I think I just saw a wasp.
I think that was a wasp.
You see that? Looked like a wasp.
Didn't look like a bee.
Is this a wasp nest? This is a wasp nest.
I'm out! I'm out! All right.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to tangle with a bunch of wasps.
Hey! Do- Do wasps make honey? [Buzzing.]
No.
Wasps do not make honey.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna check it out anyway.
There could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.
Mac, Dennis, can I talk to you in the office, please? Why can't we just talk right here? Yeah? Because it's private.
Ah, that sounds like a whole thing.
I'm not into it.
- Mmm.
- [Screaming.]
Shit! I just got stung! That was a hornet! This is a hornets nest! Uh, you know what, guys? Why don't we step in the back office while Charlie deals with this whole hornet/wasp situation? Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I'm a bad boy? I'm a bad boy? Put some vegetable oil on it.
That'll make you feel better.
Okay.
Bye, sexy.
Ohh.
Who was that? That's my booty call.
We're into some really weird food fetish stuff.
Gross.
Okay, you guys, listen up.
We got a serious problem.
The waitress is getting married.
Oh, yeah.
I heard about that.
Artemis told me.
- Since when do you talk to Artemis? - She's my booty call.
Weird.
We'll get into that later.
Right now, we gotta deal with this waitress situation.
Dee, why do you give a shit that the waitress is getting married? She's been nothing but trouble for us.
That's a good point.
She doesn't seem to get our sense of humor.
We do stuff that I think's funny.
She doesn't.
Hilarious! Guys! I cannot believe you're not thinking about Charlie right now.
This is gonna crush him.
What? You don't give a shit about Charlie.
All you care about is the fact the waitress is getting married before you.
Right? That or she's afraid that Charlie might blow his brains out.
And then she'd have to do all the Charlie work.
Uh, that's what it is.
Yeah.
Okay, fine.
A: I do not want to do Charlie's work once he kills himself.
B: How could the waitress get married before me? I'm way hotter than she is.
And C: Get this.
The guy she's marrying used to be my boyfriend.
You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying.
Not a bit.
What I do care about is the fact that Charlie might go postal if he finds out about this and kill all of us.
Right.
Shit.
We're probably the ones at real risk here, huh? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, maybe we should find something to distract him until the whole wedding thing blows over.
Mm-hmm.
- Get him his own booty call.
- Ohh! Or at least another chick to stalk.
Hey! Great.
In the meantime, I'll try and sabotage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Ahh.
Dee, save yourself the embarrassment.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's- Watch out for the hornets.
Yeah.
Don't push me.
[Knocking.]
[Door Opens.]
Hey-oh! Hey, what's- Ahh! What are you doing there, buddy? I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey.
They keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face.
I think I just swallowed one.
As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornets nest.
I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
There's some very basic science out there supporting that.
No.
No.
Trust me, pal.
It's a fact.
It's not even science.
Why are you bothering getting into it with him? I don't know.
I just feel like Charlie, we're gonna get you back on the dating scene, bro.
What do you think about that? Yeah.
That's actually why we're here.
We're gonna put your profile on Match.
com.
I don't see why.
I got the waitress, guys.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Sure, right.
Uh, yeah, totally.
We thought maybe you could meet somebody new.
Yeah.
Someone you like even more than the waitress.
I don't see how that's possible.
But I tell you what, let me pop a quick "H" on this box.
This way we all know it's filled with the hornets.
Okay? Okay, yeah.
Do what you gotta do.
These things sting like a bitch, man.
First thing we gotta do is take your picture for the profile.
So Ahh.
So, do you have the makeup? - Yeah.
- Oh, no makeup! Come on.
Well, those hornet stings are pretty bad, buddy.
So I think we're gonna have to Yeah.
But I am who I am.
Right.
But- Yeah, but Let's do who you are minus the hornet stings.
Let's pretend you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.
I tell you what.
What if I wore a checkered hat and I smoked a pipe? That'd work.
Why would you want a checkered hat and a pipe? You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look.
Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes? - Who are you trying to attract exactly? - Intelligent women.
Okay.
I'm just gonna take the photo right now without the makeup - and see if he likes it.
Ready? - Yeah.
- Ooh, that felt good.
Was that sexy? - That's very That felt sexy.
We'll Photoshop it.
Yeah, I can see where this is going.
Let's just not do that.
We'll just Photoshop it.
Let's- Let's- You want to take another one? No.
No.
We'll find another picture that we can use and that'll be fine.
Yeah.
Let's talk about your likes and dislikes.
- How about your favorite food.
What would that be? - Oh, milk steak.
Hmm? Hmm? What? - Milk steak.
- I'm not putting milk steak.
Just put steak.
Just put regular steak.
And then- I'm gonna put steak.
Put milk steak.
She'll know what it is.
She won't know.
Nobody knows what that is.
She'll know what it is.
No- Okay, all right.
What's your favorite hobby? Uh, magnets.
Magnets? Okay, what, like making magnets, collecting magnets? Playing with magnets? Just magnets.
I'm gonna put snowboarding.
We'll put snowboarding.
I don't really snowboard.
- All right, what are some of your likes? - Uh, ghouls.
Son of a bitch.
What are you talking about now? You know, funny little green ghouls, go- What? - What, like in movies and cartoons? What are you- - Little green ghouls, buddy.
Don't write ghouls! I'm not.
I'm putting travel.
- Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes? - People's knees.
Come on! Come on! You gotta be kidding.
You know what? We'll make it up.
We'll make the whole thing up.
Let's get out of here! We'll doctor the picture.
We're not even gonna use you.
Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
Where are you? Come on.
Bingo, bitch.
- Hey! - [Horns Honking.]
- Hey.
You guys, how are you? [Horns Honking.]
All right, calm down! I'll be two seconds! Anyway, hi! How are you? What are you doing? Okay, so listen up.
I was thinking since, Brad, you were saying how your wedding was gonna be all poor or boring or dull or whatever it was you were You said our wedding was gonna be dull? I said it was gonna be small.
Small! Yup, that's exactly what it was.
I was thinking I could help you guys out by throwing you a bachelorette party! Brad, you can totally come since you guys decided to do that nontraditional mumbo jumbo.
I think we're good.
You know what, though.
I kinda would like to meet some of your friends.
Hold on here.
Hold on.
What am I hearing? You haven't met some of her great friends? It's just because this happened really quickly.
Is it a yes or a no? 'Cause you're kinda holding up traffic here.
It's- It's rude.
[Man.]
Come on, lady! Well Look, I think it sounds great.
It sounds like fun.
Okay, perfect! Wonderful! We've got a deal.
See you guys tomorrow night, my place, at 8:00.
[Horns Honking.]
Bye, Brad.
Good to see you.
Okay! Calm down, dick wads! It wasn't that bad! [Pop.]
[Coughing.]
Deandra, you got any bacon bits? We like to put 'em in Artemis's hair and they rain down on me when we bang.
I feel like a Cobb salad.
It's amazing.
Okay.
I have no idea why anyone would want to feel like a Cobb salad.
But whatever, that's good.
Bring that up when Brad's here.
All right, Mrs.
Mac, make sure that you talk about how the waitress looks exactly like you when you were young, right? You remember that? There's a whole carton of cigarettes in it for you.
[Coughing.]
Uh, Mrs.
Kelly, remember, this man that I'm bringing over, he wants to steal the love of your son's life away.
Nobody hurts my Charlie! Yup, that's good.
That's good.
Keep that up.
And keep the drinking coming.
- 'Cause it makes you get all weird.
All right, this is- - [Knocking.]
Oh, okay.
They're here.
Is everyone ready? You guys got it? Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
There they are! Sorry we're late.
Somebody took a little convincing.
Yup.
I really didn't want to come, but Brad insisted.
Oh, you big, old, fat stick in the mud! Come on in, you guys.
- They're here, everybody! - [Groans.]
- What's up? - Here you go.
Would you like some punch? Is there alcohol in this? No, no, no, no.
No, absolutely not.
I remember what an embarrassing problem you have with alcohol.
Brad, did you know about her unfortunate problems with drugs and alcohol? IsnÂt that sad? It's just alcohol.
Is it? And he's aware.
Oh.
Really? I thought there was, like, cocaine and heroin.
And remember when you were shooting up with the homeless people and banging for money on the street? No.
no.
Wow.
You're making all of that up.
Really? Oh, no, no, no, no.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
I'm confusing you with another pathetic drunk that I know.
So you can still have fun, can't you, Brad? I can.
I Let's get a beer.
Okay.
Whoo-hoo.
You look really nice tonight.
You like that? You like that? [Dee.]
The color of this shirt.
I don't know what it's doing to your eyes, but I like it.
[Continues.]
- All right, listen.
You gotta be on your toes tonight, okay? - ## [Fades Out.]
This chick's a lawyer.
She's gonna be pretty sharp.
Stick to the game plan, okay? She's a lawyer.
I like that.
He's sweating through his shirt, dude.
I know.
Listen, you remember your backstory? No? Oh, for God's sakes! What is that? I don't remember the backstory.
All right, listen, man.
You're a philanthropist.
That's what you are, okay? You used to own a small business.
But you gave all that up to help others.
All right, who do I help? Who am I helping? Oh, God.
It doesn't matter.
I don't know, old people, uh, children, autistics, dyslexic folks.
It really doesn't matter, Charlie.
I'm a full on re Ph-Philio- Philian- Philanthropist.
Dude, I can't get it.
How do you say it? What is it? [Together.]
Philanthropist! Meet us in the bathroom.
Oh, my God, dude! What is that? What was that? Is that cheese? Have you eaten cheese? How much cheese have you eaten today? How much cheese is too much cheese? Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese! I had a lot of cheese.
I had a block of cheese.
Okay, okay- You ate a block of cheese today? I was very nervous.
I started eating cheese, man.
All right.
All right, all right.
Does that calm you down? Just don't breathe in her direction, okay? Whatever you do.
How do I look? Relax.
Stick to the game plan.
Do I look handsome? You look great.
[Dee.]
Okay.
So I thought we would play a game.
Sort of a newlywed-type of game.
And see how well you two know each other, okay? Okay, question number one.
Who broke Brad's heart in high school and feels really bad about it? Me.
I broke Brad's heart in high school and I feel really bad about it.
Okay? Wait.
You went to high school with us? Yeah.
I sat right next to you in trig.
Huh! Wow.
You are very forgettable.
Anyway, I will have you all know that I also broke Brad's heart in high school.
So You dated Dee? Mmm.
Briefly.
Yeah.
- We dated hard, yep.
- Both you girls dumped him because of his pizza face.
Ooh! Okay.
Question number two.
How many people in the room have had sex with the bride-to-be? [Chuckles.]
Uh, just me I hope.
- Ooh.
- Whoops.
Uh-uh.
Over here, guy.
Ew! Okay, you know what? That was a- That was a really dark time in my life, and it was a terrible mistake.
No, it's true.
To be fair, it's true.
She's in love with my brother.
They have a sex tape together.
This guy came along- No.
I used to look like her.
Give me my cigarettes.
Okay, I- I didn't tell you to go.
I didn't give you the high sign.
Everybody's stealing my Charlie, girl! - Oh! What the hell! - Okay, Brad.
I think it's time for us to go.
We're gonna leave.
All right.
Wait, no.
No, no, no, no, Brad.
No, don't leave yet.
I'm sorry.
Hold on.
No, no, don't leave.
Oh, you bitch! Oh! Goddamn it! I should be the one getting married! This is depressing.
Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom? Sure do.
No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here! Okay.
We'll go get sweaty in a Wendy's bathroom.
Great! Go have sex at Wendy's! Go for a ride.
Wonderful! Get out of here! - This party sucks! - You suck! - I need a ride.
- Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch! - [Knocking.]
- Oh, my God, no! You can't borrow salad dressing! Or condiments! Or anything else you two want to jam up into each other's I, uh- I forgot something.
Oh.
What? I forgot to tell you I still love you.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you Charlie Kelly? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
Um- You're Jackie.
Yes, I am.
[Laughs.]
Are you all right? Oh, yeah, this? I was running.
Okay, because y-you're bleeding.
Oh, shit.
Is it bleeding again? I'm sorry.
These are hornet stings, you know? I run into, like- like a lot of, like, hornets in my line of work.
And I get stung up, like, bad all over my face and stuff.
And then, you know, it starts bleeding.
Oh.
It sounds interesting.
Yeah.
What is it that you do again? I'm work- I'm like a janitor at, um I'm a full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.
I'm sorry.
Did you say you're a full-on rapist? No! Did I say that? No! No, no, no, no! I help- I help people.
You know what I mean? I'm I'm a philan- a philan- a philan A philanthropist? Yeah! That's exactly what it is.
It gets blocked up in my mouth.
I don't say it no good, so I'm a janitor at a bar.
Oh, God, dude! I'm sucking ass! Yeah, dude.
You said you were a rapist! I went crazy in the brain for a second! Yeah.
And my eyes were all like, uh- And I couldn't think straight.
That shirt is ruined.
I know, dude.
Give me your shirt.
What? Give you- That's a totally different shirt.
Yeah.
Can I- How the hell are you gonna explain that to her? I'll say I met a nice guy in the bathroom and we traded shirts! Are you listening to yourself? Jesus Christ! I'm freaking out, dude.
Okay, new plan.
New plan.
New plan.
Charlie, make a move.
Just tell her you want to bang her.
Ooh.
No, that's- Is that how you get chicks? Well, he's got a 50-50 shot.
- That's a good point! - It is a yes-or-no scenario.
It is a no scenario! Why? Don't approach her that way.
That's not gonna work.
Am I getting the shirt? You're not gonna get the shirt.
This is what you're gonna do.
Go back out there.
Start asking her questions about herself.
Talk to her about being a lawyer, okay? I can do that.
Right? Right? That's gonna work.
If anything goes wrong, I'll come out there, I'll say I'm the manager of Gugino's.
Do you understand? Okay.
All right? I got it.
I know.
I understand it.
You good? We'll be good.
All right, great.
[Groaning.]
Just go.
Just get out there.
Just go.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
It took a little while.
There was a guy in the bathroom.
He wouldn't give me his shirt.
And I was fighting him.
I'm, like, "Give me your shirt, bro.
" And he didn't want to give it to me.
- And it was like a whole thing.
- Uh, uh, uhh! Hi.
Uh, I'm the manager.
And Mr.
Kelly is one of our preferred customers.
It's so wonderful to see you here again this evening.
Right.
My good man.
Now I'm gonna want the milk steak boiled over hard and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.
[Laughs.]
Mr.
Kelly, you have the most wonderful sense of humor.
Hey, I own this joint.
And I know this guy.
And he is loaded.
Mr.
Kelly, we have your milk boiling just the way you like it back there for your steak.
You're gonna like this.
How's about I clear out the coat room and you guys hit it in there while the steak is getting ready? - What? - What in the hell are you doing? I got this.
He's gonna be aggressive.
I've got this.
Charlie, make a move.
Maul.
No, don't- Oh, my God! - What are you doing? - I'm leaving! You're grabbing her breasts? What are you doing? I don't know.
What does "make a move" mean? It doesn't mean stab at her breasts with your fingers.
Oh, man! Come on, bro.
You're ordering milk steak and jellybeans? What the hell? Come on, you guys blew it, dude! We blew it? I told you to stick with the game plan! It was going great! I had it! You don't know shit about chicks, man! - We don't know shit about chicks? - Yeah! Well, guess what, bro.
The waitress is getting married.
So suck on that! I see.
Well, I suppose I'll be taking that milk steak to go then.
Yeah.
And so the Wendy's manager is all, "You gotta clean that up!" And I said, "They're your hamburgers.
You clean 'em up.
" And then Artemis got all bummed out because of something I did with the onions to myself.
And now she won't talk to me.
Frank, I don't give a shit about any of this.
Hey, man, where's the baseball bat? Baseball bat in the corner.
Oh.
We're trying to arm ourselves 'cause Charlie's gonna be here any minute, and he might take us out, so Oh, don't worry about Charlie.
Charlie's over this.
In fact, I saw him this morning.
He said he was bringing the guy a congratulatory gift.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, great.
[Doorbell Buzzes.]
Hey, what's- what's, uh- what's this? This is for your engagement, man.
You're a lucky, lucky dude.
And, uh, congratulations to you.
Oh, right.
No, no, no.
That's not happening anymore.
We're not, uh- We're not engaged.
You're not getting married? Nah.
Oh! You're Charlie Kelly, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember you from high school.
Hang on a second, dude.
You're not getting married? Well- [Clears Throat.]
Remember how everybody used to make fun of us in high school? I remember how they made fun of you.
Anyway, I have been getting my revenge.
I've been getting engaged to all these chicks who broke up with me in high school 'cause of my acne, and then I dump 'em right before the wedding.
[Chuckles.]
Damn.
Yeah.
I just got through doing it to that coffee shop waitress.
Now I'm gonna do it to this chick Dee Reynolds.
Remember her? She was the worst.
Yeah.
Uh, so that coffee shop waitress, she must've been hurt kinda bad by that though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was- She was devastated.
Oh.
So Well, tell you what, man.
Why don't you go ahead and have this present anyway? Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like you deserve it.
[Chuckles.]
Well, thanks, dude.
Yeah.
That's- That's rad.
All right.
Okay.
Well, keep it real, man.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
[Buzzing Faintly.]
[Chuckles.]
[Voices Speaking Backwards.]
I don't know.
What do you think? It's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs.
You know what? Why don't you go grab five more? Look, we don't normally do this.
But I think I'm gonna need some proof that you're actually getting married.
What? Why? Because you've been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every Saturday for over a year now.
Yeah.
That's 'cause it takes a really long time to plan a wedding.
Don't get up all over my balls, Lucy.
Just go get the dresses.
When is the wedding? Soon.
Where? A church.
Which one? The nearby one.
The nearby one? Right down the street.
Which street? Spring.
What's your fiancé's name? Sam.
What does he do? S-S-Salt.
Salt? Sea salt.
Sea salt.
He's a salt seaman.
He- He dives in to the ocean for the sea salt.
And then he brings it back up.
And then we eat it.
So- Okay, I'm getting the manager.
Well, don't get the- [Sighs.]
Damn it.
- Dee Reynolds? - Yeah.
Brad Fisher.
From high school.
Brad Fisher.
No way.
Yeah.
You look amazing.
Your acne cleared up really well.
I kinda grew into myself.
Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
Why did I ever break up with you, you beefcake? It was because of the acne.
Was it because of the acne? Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, when it got real bad, you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.
Well, I don't really remember saying exactly that.
It's- It's fine.
We were kids.
We were kids.
We were kids! Yeah.
We're not kids anymore.
No.
Great.
Wow.
So you're- you're getting married.
Wow.
Yeah.
Uh, no, I'm not.
I'm not.
This is because I was.
But that- that didn't work out.
Why are you asking? Are you single? What's your situation? Um, I'm engaged.
Oh.
Yeah.
I mean, that's why I'm here.
My fiancée's trying on a dress.
I know I'm not supposed to see it before the wedding.
But we're having a whole nontraditional kinda small thing.
So you should meet her.
Babe.
Well, nah - [Woman.]
Yeah? - Come here for a second.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
What do you think of this one, Brad? It's beautiful, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[Buzzing.]
[Mac.]
Okay.
All right.
Well, don't poke at it.
Don't just poke Just get it safely into the box.
Dude, you're gonna agitate the bees.
Well, I'm fine with the bees.
It's the honey I don't want to agitate.
Is that your endgame here? Honey? Yeah.
I figure if we keep the hive in the basement, we'll always have honey.
[Buzzing.]
We'll always have bees is what we'll always have.
Whoa! What? What? I think I just saw a wasp.
I think that was a wasp.
You see that? Looked like a wasp.
Didn't look like a bee.
Is this a wasp nest? This is a wasp nest.
I'm out! I'm out! All right.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to tangle with a bunch of wasps.
Hey! Do- Do wasps make honey? [Buzzing.]
No.
Wasps do not make honey.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna check it out anyway.
There could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.
Mac, Dennis, can I talk to you in the office, please? Why can't we just talk right here? Yeah? Because it's private.
Ah, that sounds like a whole thing.
I'm not into it.
- Mmm.
- [Screaming.]
Shit! I just got stung! That was a hornet! This is a hornets nest! Uh, you know what, guys? Why don't we step in the back office while Charlie deals with this whole hornet/wasp situation? Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I'm a bad boy? I'm a bad boy? Put some vegetable oil on it.
That'll make you feel better.
Okay.
Bye, sexy.
Ohh.
Who was that? That's my booty call.
We're into some really weird food fetish stuff.
Gross.
Okay, you guys, listen up.
We got a serious problem.
The waitress is getting married.
Oh, yeah.
I heard about that.
Artemis told me.
- Since when do you talk to Artemis? - She's my booty call.
Weird.
We'll get into that later.
Right now, we gotta deal with this waitress situation.
Dee, why do you give a shit that the waitress is getting married? She's been nothing but trouble for us.
That's a good point.
She doesn't seem to get our sense of humor.
We do stuff that I think's funny.
She doesn't.
Hilarious! Guys! I cannot believe you're not thinking about Charlie right now.
This is gonna crush him.
What? You don't give a shit about Charlie.
All you care about is the fact the waitress is getting married before you.
Right? That or she's afraid that Charlie might blow his brains out.
And then she'd have to do all the Charlie work.
Uh, that's what it is.
Yeah.
Okay, fine.
A: I do not want to do Charlie's work once he kills himself.
B: How could the waitress get married before me? I'm way hotter than she is.
And C: Get this.
The guy she's marrying used to be my boyfriend.
You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying.
Not a bit.
What I do care about is the fact that Charlie might go postal if he finds out about this and kill all of us.
Right.
Shit.
We're probably the ones at real risk here, huh? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, maybe we should find something to distract him until the whole wedding thing blows over.
Mm-hmm.
- Get him his own booty call.
- Ohh! Or at least another chick to stalk.
Hey! Great.
In the meantime, I'll try and sabotage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Ahh.
Dee, save yourself the embarrassment.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's- Watch out for the hornets.
Yeah.
Don't push me.
[Knocking.]
[Door Opens.]
Hey-oh! Hey, what's- Ahh! What are you doing there, buddy? I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey.
They keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face.
I think I just swallowed one.
As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornets nest.
I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
There's some very basic science out there supporting that.
No.
No.
Trust me, pal.
It's a fact.
It's not even science.
Why are you bothering getting into it with him? I don't know.
I just feel like Charlie, we're gonna get you back on the dating scene, bro.
What do you think about that? Yeah.
That's actually why we're here.
We're gonna put your profile on Match.
com.
I don't see why.
I got the waitress, guys.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Sure, right.
Uh, yeah, totally.
We thought maybe you could meet somebody new.
Yeah.
Someone you like even more than the waitress.
I don't see how that's possible.
But I tell you what, let me pop a quick "H" on this box.
This way we all know it's filled with the hornets.
Okay? Okay, yeah.
Do what you gotta do.
These things sting like a bitch, man.
First thing we gotta do is take your picture for the profile.
So Ahh.
So, do you have the makeup? - Yeah.
- Oh, no makeup! Come on.
Well, those hornet stings are pretty bad, buddy.
So I think we're gonna have to Yeah.
But I am who I am.
Right.
But- Yeah, but Let's do who you are minus the hornet stings.
Let's pretend you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.
I tell you what.
What if I wore a checkered hat and I smoked a pipe? That'd work.
Why would you want a checkered hat and a pipe? You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look.
Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes? - Who are you trying to attract exactly? - Intelligent women.
Okay.
I'm just gonna take the photo right now without the makeup - and see if he likes it.
Ready? - Yeah.
- Ooh, that felt good.
Was that sexy? - That's very That felt sexy.
We'll Photoshop it.
Yeah, I can see where this is going.
Let's just not do that.
We'll just Photoshop it.
Let's- Let's- You want to take another one? No.
No.
We'll find another picture that we can use and that'll be fine.
Yeah.
Let's talk about your likes and dislikes.
- How about your favorite food.
What would that be? - Oh, milk steak.
Hmm? Hmm? What? - Milk steak.
- I'm not putting milk steak.
Just put steak.
Just put regular steak.
And then- I'm gonna put steak.
Put milk steak.
She'll know what it is.
She won't know.
Nobody knows what that is.
She'll know what it is.
No- Okay, all right.
What's your favorite hobby? Uh, magnets.
Magnets? Okay, what, like making magnets, collecting magnets? Playing with magnets? Just magnets.
I'm gonna put snowboarding.
We'll put snowboarding.
I don't really snowboard.
- All right, what are some of your likes? - Uh, ghouls.
Son of a bitch.
What are you talking about now? You know, funny little green ghouls, go- What? - What, like in movies and cartoons? What are you- - Little green ghouls, buddy.
Don't write ghouls! I'm not.
I'm putting travel.
- Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes? - People's knees.
Come on! Come on! You gotta be kidding.
You know what? We'll make it up.
We'll make the whole thing up.
Let's get out of here! We'll doctor the picture.
We're not even gonna use you.
Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
Where are you? Come on.
Bingo, bitch.
- Hey! - [Horns Honking.]
- Hey.
You guys, how are you? [Horns Honking.]
All right, calm down! I'll be two seconds! Anyway, hi! How are you? What are you doing? Okay, so listen up.
I was thinking since, Brad, you were saying how your wedding was gonna be all poor or boring or dull or whatever it was you were You said our wedding was gonna be dull? I said it was gonna be small.
Small! Yup, that's exactly what it was.
I was thinking I could help you guys out by throwing you a bachelorette party! Brad, you can totally come since you guys decided to do that nontraditional mumbo jumbo.
I think we're good.
You know what, though.
I kinda would like to meet some of your friends.
Hold on here.
Hold on.
What am I hearing? You haven't met some of her great friends? It's just because this happened really quickly.
Is it a yes or a no? 'Cause you're kinda holding up traffic here.
It's- It's rude.
[Man.]
Come on, lady! Well Look, I think it sounds great.
It sounds like fun.
Okay, perfect! Wonderful! We've got a deal.
See you guys tomorrow night, my place, at 8:00.
[Horns Honking.]
Bye, Brad.
Good to see you.
Okay! Calm down, dick wads! It wasn't that bad! [Pop.]
[Coughing.]
Deandra, you got any bacon bits? We like to put 'em in Artemis's hair and they rain down on me when we bang.
I feel like a Cobb salad.
It's amazing.
Okay.
I have no idea why anyone would want to feel like a Cobb salad.
But whatever, that's good.
Bring that up when Brad's here.
All right, Mrs.
Mac, make sure that you talk about how the waitress looks exactly like you when you were young, right? You remember that? There's a whole carton of cigarettes in it for you.
[Coughing.]
Uh, Mrs.
Kelly, remember, this man that I'm bringing over, he wants to steal the love of your son's life away.
Nobody hurts my Charlie! Yup, that's good.
That's good.
Keep that up.
And keep the drinking coming.
- 'Cause it makes you get all weird.
All right, this is- - [Knocking.]
Oh, okay.
They're here.
Is everyone ready? You guys got it? Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
There they are! Sorry we're late.
Somebody took a little convincing.
Yup.
I really didn't want to come, but Brad insisted.
Oh, you big, old, fat stick in the mud! Come on in, you guys.
- They're here, everybody! - [Groans.]
- What's up? - Here you go.
Would you like some punch? Is there alcohol in this? No, no, no, no.
No, absolutely not.
I remember what an embarrassing problem you have with alcohol.
Brad, did you know about her unfortunate problems with drugs and alcohol? IsnÂt that sad? It's just alcohol.
Is it? And he's aware.
Oh.
Really? I thought there was, like, cocaine and heroin.
And remember when you were shooting up with the homeless people and banging for money on the street? No.
no.
Wow.
You're making all of that up.
Really? Oh, no, no, no, no.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
I'm confusing you with another pathetic drunk that I know.
So you can still have fun, can't you, Brad? I can.
I Let's get a beer.
Okay.
Whoo-hoo.
You look really nice tonight.
You like that? You like that? [Dee.]
The color of this shirt.
I don't know what it's doing to your eyes, but I like it.
[Continues.]
- All right, listen.
You gotta be on your toes tonight, okay? - ## [Fades Out.]
This chick's a lawyer.
She's gonna be pretty sharp.
Stick to the game plan, okay? She's a lawyer.
I like that.
He's sweating through his shirt, dude.
I know.
Listen, you remember your backstory? No? Oh, for God's sakes! What is that? I don't remember the backstory.
All right, listen, man.
You're a philanthropist.
That's what you are, okay? You used to own a small business.
But you gave all that up to help others.
All right, who do I help? Who am I helping? Oh, God.
It doesn't matter.
I don't know, old people, uh, children, autistics, dyslexic folks.
It really doesn't matter, Charlie.
I'm a full on re Ph-Philio- Philian- Philanthropist.
Dude, I can't get it.
How do you say it? What is it? [Together.]
Philanthropist! Meet us in the bathroom.
Oh, my God, dude! What is that? What was that? Is that cheese? Have you eaten cheese? How much cheese have you eaten today? How much cheese is too much cheese? Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese! I had a lot of cheese.
I had a block of cheese.
Okay, okay- You ate a block of cheese today? I was very nervous.
I started eating cheese, man.
All right.
All right, all right.
Does that calm you down? Just don't breathe in her direction, okay? Whatever you do.
How do I look? Relax.
Stick to the game plan.
Do I look handsome? You look great.
[Dee.]
Okay.
So I thought we would play a game.
Sort of a newlywed-type of game.
And see how well you two know each other, okay? Okay, question number one.
Who broke Brad's heart in high school and feels really bad about it? Me.
I broke Brad's heart in high school and I feel really bad about it.
Okay? Wait.
You went to high school with us? Yeah.
I sat right next to you in trig.
Huh! Wow.
You are very forgettable.
Anyway, I will have you all know that I also broke Brad's heart in high school.
So You dated Dee? Mmm.
Briefly.
Yeah.
- We dated hard, yep.
- Both you girls dumped him because of his pizza face.
Ooh! Okay.
Question number two.
How many people in the room have had sex with the bride-to-be? [Chuckles.]
Uh, just me I hope.
- Ooh.
- Whoops.
Uh-uh.
Over here, guy.
Ew! Okay, you know what? That was a- That was a really dark time in my life, and it was a terrible mistake.
No, it's true.
To be fair, it's true.
She's in love with my brother.
They have a sex tape together.
This guy came along- No.
I used to look like her.
Give me my cigarettes.
Okay, I- I didn't tell you to go.
I didn't give you the high sign.
Everybody's stealing my Charlie, girl! - Oh! What the hell! - Okay, Brad.
I think it's time for us to go.
We're gonna leave.
All right.
Wait, no.
No, no, no, no, Brad.
No, don't leave yet.
I'm sorry.
Hold on.
No, no, don't leave.
Oh, you bitch! Oh! Goddamn it! I should be the one getting married! This is depressing.
Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom? Sure do.
No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here! Okay.
We'll go get sweaty in a Wendy's bathroom.
Great! Go have sex at Wendy's! Go for a ride.
Wonderful! Get out of here! - This party sucks! - You suck! - I need a ride.
- Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch! - [Knocking.]
- Oh, my God, no! You can't borrow salad dressing! Or condiments! Or anything else you two want to jam up into each other's I, uh- I forgot something.
Oh.
What? I forgot to tell you I still love you.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you Charlie Kelly? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
Um- You're Jackie.
Yes, I am.
[Laughs.]
Are you all right? Oh, yeah, this? I was running.
Okay, because y-you're bleeding.
Oh, shit.
Is it bleeding again? I'm sorry.
These are hornet stings, you know? I run into, like- like a lot of, like, hornets in my line of work.
And I get stung up, like, bad all over my face and stuff.
And then, you know, it starts bleeding.
Oh.
It sounds interesting.
Yeah.
What is it that you do again? I'm work- I'm like a janitor at, um I'm a full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.
I'm sorry.
Did you say you're a full-on rapist? No! Did I say that? No! No, no, no, no! I help- I help people.
You know what I mean? I'm I'm a philan- a philan- a philan A philanthropist? Yeah! That's exactly what it is.
It gets blocked up in my mouth.
I don't say it no good, so I'm a janitor at a bar.
Oh, God, dude! I'm sucking ass! Yeah, dude.
You said you were a rapist! I went crazy in the brain for a second! Yeah.
And my eyes were all like, uh- And I couldn't think straight.
That shirt is ruined.
I know, dude.
Give me your shirt.
What? Give you- That's a totally different shirt.
Yeah.
Can I- How the hell are you gonna explain that to her? I'll say I met a nice guy in the bathroom and we traded shirts! Are you listening to yourself? Jesus Christ! I'm freaking out, dude.
Okay, new plan.
New plan.
New plan.
Charlie, make a move.
Just tell her you want to bang her.
Ooh.
No, that's- Is that how you get chicks? Well, he's got a 50-50 shot.
- That's a good point! - It is a yes-or-no scenario.
It is a no scenario! Why? Don't approach her that way.
That's not gonna work.
Am I getting the shirt? You're not gonna get the shirt.
This is what you're gonna do.
Go back out there.
Start asking her questions about herself.
Talk to her about being a lawyer, okay? I can do that.
Right? Right? That's gonna work.
If anything goes wrong, I'll come out there, I'll say I'm the manager of Gugino's.
Do you understand? Okay.
All right? I got it.
I know.
I understand it.
You good? We'll be good.
All right, great.
[Groaning.]
Just go.
Just get out there.
Just go.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
It took a little while.
There was a guy in the bathroom.
He wouldn't give me his shirt.
And I was fighting him.
I'm, like, "Give me your shirt, bro.
" And he didn't want to give it to me.
- And it was like a whole thing.
- Uh, uh, uhh! Hi.
Uh, I'm the manager.
And Mr.
Kelly is one of our preferred customers.
It's so wonderful to see you here again this evening.
Right.
My good man.
Now I'm gonna want the milk steak boiled over hard and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.
[Laughs.]
Mr.
Kelly, you have the most wonderful sense of humor.
Hey, I own this joint.
And I know this guy.
And he is loaded.
Mr.
Kelly, we have your milk boiling just the way you like it back there for your steak.
You're gonna like this.
How's about I clear out the coat room and you guys hit it in there while the steak is getting ready? - What? - What in the hell are you doing? I got this.
He's gonna be aggressive.
I've got this.
Charlie, make a move.
Maul.
No, don't- Oh, my God! - What are you doing? - I'm leaving! You're grabbing her breasts? What are you doing? I don't know.
What does "make a move" mean? It doesn't mean stab at her breasts with your fingers.
Oh, man! Come on, bro.
You're ordering milk steak and jellybeans? What the hell? Come on, you guys blew it, dude! We blew it? I told you to stick with the game plan! It was going great! I had it! You don't know shit about chicks, man! - We don't know shit about chicks? - Yeah! Well, guess what, bro.
The waitress is getting married.
So suck on that! I see.
Well, I suppose I'll be taking that milk steak to go then.
Yeah.
And so the Wendy's manager is all, "You gotta clean that up!" And I said, "They're your hamburgers.
You clean 'em up.
" And then Artemis got all bummed out because of something I did with the onions to myself.
And now she won't talk to me.
Frank, I don't give a shit about any of this.
Hey, man, where's the baseball bat? Baseball bat in the corner.
Oh.
We're trying to arm ourselves 'cause Charlie's gonna be here any minute, and he might take us out, so Oh, don't worry about Charlie.
Charlie's over this.
In fact, I saw him this morning.
He said he was bringing the guy a congratulatory gift.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, great.
[Doorbell Buzzes.]
Hey, what's- what's, uh- what's this? This is for your engagement, man.
You're a lucky, lucky dude.
And, uh, congratulations to you.
Oh, right.
No, no, no.
That's not happening anymore.
We're not, uh- We're not engaged.
You're not getting married? Nah.
Oh! You're Charlie Kelly, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember you from high school.
Hang on a second, dude.
You're not getting married? Well- [Clears Throat.]
Remember how everybody used to make fun of us in high school? I remember how they made fun of you.
Anyway, I have been getting my revenge.
I've been getting engaged to all these chicks who broke up with me in high school 'cause of my acne, and then I dump 'em right before the wedding.
[Chuckles.]
Damn.
Yeah.
I just got through doing it to that coffee shop waitress.
Now I'm gonna do it to this chick Dee Reynolds.
Remember her? She was the worst.
Yeah.
Uh, so that coffee shop waitress, she must've been hurt kinda bad by that though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was- She was devastated.
Oh.
So Well, tell you what, man.
Why don't you go ahead and have this present anyway? Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like you deserve it.
[Chuckles.]
Well, thanks, dude.
Yeah.
That's- That's rad.
All right.
Okay.
Well, keep it real, man.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
[Buzzing Faintly.]
[Chuckles.]
[Voices Speaking Backwards.]