Key and Peele (2012) s05e05 Episode Script

These allegations that I have sent inappropriate pictures over the Internet, are completely ridiculous.
They are levied by my political rivals, who are trying to embarrass me and advance their own agendas.
So let me be perfectly clear.
These allegations are false.
I will be vindicated.
TMZ has obtained an actual photo of your genitalia.
They're posting it to their website as we speak.
They're saying you took it.
How do you respond? Okay, I may have sent one photo of my genitalia.
Okay, but I assure you that's an isolated incident.
It was a one-time thing.
Okay? - Mark? - Senator, what about the new report that there are three new pictures having been sent to three different women? That's not a one-time thing.
That's a lot of What second-rate news organization is trying to - New York Times.
- Oh! Oh, it was it was four total.
No more.
That was it.
It was just It was four, and no more.
Yes, Amy.
Yes, you are sure that there were only four photos sent? That's it.
Four.
That's all.
There's no more than four.
Then how do you explain the one you sent me? Everybody please, please.
I'm begging you.
I'm begging you to forgive me for the, the foibles and transgressions.
It was the reckless act of a younger man.
A younger man? You sent it two seconds before you stepped on stage.
Senator, Senator, that's very recent.
Yeah, Amy, last time I checked, time is still real, okay? So, technically speaking, I am much older now than I was all of those seconds ago.
- Did I just - Are you guys - Oh, my God, yeah.
- Oh, God.
- What's happening right now? - I just got one.
What's going on? I don't understand what's happening.
Senator, how are you even doing this? You have no proof that I am doing anything Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry again.
I'm sorry again.
I'm sorry one more time.
Oh, wait a second.
You can do it, but I can't do it? Get in there, get in there.
Oh! Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you - So we're good friends, right? - Mmm hmm.
So if you found out that I had Killed somebody Mmm-hmm? Would you snitch? No.
Clearly, you would snitch.
You would go straight to the fuzz.
- Is the word "murder" with two "R"s? - Okay.
First things first.
I do not care that you're a multi-platinum selling rapper, Gun Rack.
What I care about is that I 100% know that you murdered Darnell Simmons.
So, you better start talking.
Yeah, but you ain't got nothing.
Uh, you know, I'm actually, I'm very glad that you said that.
Because I, respectfully, I beg to differ.
I killed Darnell, yeah, I shot him with my nine I shot him nine times And by the way it was November 9th That don't mean nothing.
I got a vivid imagination.
I couldn't have shot Darnell.
I was at my cousin's birthday party.
Red Lobster, November 9th.
- At At Red Lobster? - Mmm-hmm.
Geez, I got to tell you, Gun Rack, I find that really hard to believe.
I got an alibi Birthday, Red Lobster When in reality I shot Darnell like a mobster It's a lie Anyone could tell this Because you know about my allergy To all shellfish Just confess, Gun Rack.
I confess that "shellfish" is the only thing that rhymes with "tell this".
It's just words, Detective.
Nouns, adjectives.
That just happen to be in a dope order.
But You ain't got no proof.
Shot up Darnell With a long-ass gun Then tossed it Into the aquarium I have no idea what that object is.
- I don't - If I had to identify it, I would call it a gun of the long-ass variety.
Some seaweed in there, too.
Look, Detective.
I hate to break it to you.
I ain't kill nobody.
I stroke my chin real slow When I'm lying And I was laughing super hard As Darnell was dying The name of the album is I Killed Darnell Simmons! - It's a concept album.
- A concept.
That's a picture of you.
A picture of you, and behind you is Darnell Simmons's body! Coincidence.
You're going away for a long time, you understand? You're gonna confess if it's the last thing you ever do.
You hear me, Gun Rack? I'll beat it out of you.
- Joe.
Joe! - I'll beat it out of you.
He's free to go.
What? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We have everything we need.
No, it was Simmons's girlfriend.
She just confessed to the whole thing.
Infidelity.
Crime of passion.
Let's go, Mr.
Rack.
Bonus track, bonus track I got a ride or die bitch I think you get the gist And when you let me out I'm gonna blow a little kiss This is my confession Admissible in a court I killed Darnell Simmons For sport That's right, I'm a murderer Come and get me Come down the hall You can't get me Okay, okay, you got me.
You got me, you got me.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Damn, damn, chill.
Ow, ow! Oh, please don't say anything.
Please just keep it to yourself, whatever.
Oh.
Thought you had an idea.
I do.
We need to make an app.
Like, for a smartphone? An app that all the people could download and then we make millions.
It's just, that shit's hard to come up with, man.
It's like catching lightning in a bottle.
I already got that.
You got what? Lightning in a bottle.
Really, what's the idea? No, no idea.
I got actual lightning in a bottle.
No, Levi.
That's just a phrase.
I got that, dog.
Lightning in a bottle.
Blip.
That's crazy, son.
Where'd you get that? Some old Chinese man sold it to me years ago.
I mean, that's some supernatural shit, man.
Nah, man.
All it does is this.
Oh, shit! Oh, the lightning! Oh! I got it.
But seriously, man.
Would it be like an app that reminds you when your favorite television shows are on? No.
It We got to address this crazy-ass bottle that you got.
What bottle? Nigga, what bottle? The bottle with the lightning in it.
Are you still on that? Yes.
How does it work? Cedric, I don't know.
It's the classic lightning-in-the-bottle gag.
Classic li You just open it up.
Oh! Oh! Lightning in the house! Lightning in the room! Okay, you know what? - You shouldn't have this.
- What? This shit, this shit belongs to the military or something.
But that app, though.
No.
We don't need the app.
You've got the goose that laid the golden egg.
How do you know about Honkers? What? This mother Honkers.
Get in on this app idea.
You like it? He likes it.
Yep.
He got a goddamn golden egg.
Honkers here is the cat's pajamas.
- No, please don't.
Don't.
- I want to show you something.
Whatever it is, I don't want to see it.
- It's relevant.
- I already know what it is.
It ain't what you think.
Well, what I think it is is a pair of cat's pajamas.
Yes.
These are for Honkers to wear.
Nigga, what? The little neck in there.
The neck How you gonna fit his head through this with the the orange pump shit.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my house.
Why? Because you disrespected my roommate.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's clear that this is a crazy house.
So I got to go.
You over here talking about geese and golden eggs and feline sleepwear.
Come on, man.
Cedric.
You need to get off your high horse, man.
Hey, I just thought of a name for you.
High Horse.
You get on that sext tip? Yeah, I've sent explicit texts to my bride.
There you go.
That's it.
That's it.
Send it off.
Just send it off.
'Cause I know what it does to her.
Like, I know what kind of effect it would have on her.
- And she'd just, oh! - Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
That's a big part of it.
But then you got to follow through with the whole sext thing.
It's like, you just type the word "insertion".
- Mmm-hmm.
- Send.
That's the whole thing.
I'm done.
Shouldn't you write, like, "insertion" and then, the next one you should just write "in.
" And then the next one is "out.
" And then "in.
" And then "out.
" Just send a bunch of those.
Some guys go longer than others.
What? So you're just done at "insertion"? Sometimes I'm just "inserti" And then - And then it's done? - I'll just hit "send.
" Whoo-whee! Miss Clarissa, I'm gonna tell you, girl.
In that dress, you looking about as sweet as a field full of honeysuckle after a spring rain shower.
How do you do it, girl? Mmm! That ass, though.
- What was that? - What was what? What you just said to her? Oh.
Well, I was just following your lead.
No, you wasn't.
You was being all heavy-handed with it, man.
You got to be subtle.
- Subtle.
- Exactly.
You got to be subtle if you wanna talk to them ladies.
I can do that.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whee! Miss Denise, girl, the way that dress is flowing you look like a mountain creek after a spring thaw.
Simply refreshing.
What is your secret? The way that dress fitting on you got them Titties popping out.
- What? - Amazing.
What is your secret? What are you What are you doing? I was just doing what you was doing.
No, you wasn't.
I even said "what is your secret?" - That's verbatim! - That part was.
Did you hear me say anything about anybody's titties? - No.
- You know what? How about we just say no words altogether.
- No words altogether.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Question.
- Yes? - How will I talk? - You're not gonna talk, okay? All right.
Hoo-hoo, whee! Ladies, I'm sorry, y'all hurt my eye.
Y'all just, like, smoldering, like the sun.
And just as bright in them beautiful dresses.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Vagina.
What the hell was that? Oh.
I did say a word at the end there, didn't I? Did you see the part where all this was going on and shaking your tail feathers and whatnot? I didn't see it.
I got the worst view in the house.
That's what chased them away, man.
- All right.
- You know what? - Stay away from me.
- All right.
Whoo-whee! Miss Laverne.
You like a long-stemmed rose the way you looking and smelling.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm! What is your recipe? Damn, boy.
I bet you got a big old dick and balls.
I love you.
Lee! Lee! Oh, fuck! Oh, Lee, I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't believe it.
Thank you so much for coming.
I haven't seen you in years.
Oh Yeah.
Oh! Yeah, hey.
- Stuart! - Yes! Man! Oh, I haven't seen you since - Eighth grade.
- Eighth grade.
- Miss Lacy's class? - Yeah, I know, I know.
Miss Lacy's class! Oh, you brought me flowers? Mmm-hmm.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
I bought these at a store for you.
You didn't have to bring me flowers, man.
Here you go.
Crazy the way I went out like that, huh? - Yeah.
- What was that? What? I was like, when I heard I was like, "What the fuck?" Oh, well, of course, I mean, fucking boulder? Who'd have thought! Boulder.
Right.
I mean, it's like who gets killed by a boulder these days? Well, I mean, I mean, not me.
I mean, you remember, I was in Boulder, Colorado.
I was hiking, and then I fell off that mountain.
Remember? You remember, right? Boulder, Colorado.
- Yeah! - I was hiking, and then I - No, I know! - I was dehydrated, then they couldn't find me.
No, I was saying, like, if you think about it, Boulder killed you.
Well, not really Boulder.
I mean I wouldn't say the city, per se.
It was the, it was the cougar that got me.
And then that's what everyone was talking about.
I mean, God, I was out there for like, three weeks.
- Yeah.
- Jeez.
But that's neither here nor there.
So, hey, did you get that LinkedIn invitation I sent you before I died? I You know, um, I mean, I don't When I see LinkedIn, I just delete it without even checking - because I've just got - No, no, I got you.
- So much on my plate.
- Totally, yeah, yeah.
- I get it, I get it.
- So Hey, so what did you want to say to me? Um, what do you mean? You know, that's, like, why people come to graveyards, right? Is so you can say the stuff - that you wish you had said - Right, right.
when someone was alive, right? - Oh, my God.
There's so much stuff.
Okay, where do I start? - Um - Take your time, man.
You can lay a couple on me today and then come back.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, I can get it done here.
'Cause that's the whole reason I came down here, you know.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Plus my grandfather's like two rows down there.
- Oh.
- Um, I was gonna come to you, say some things to you, go to him and sort of finish up - Oh.
- There.
- But you were coming to see me too? - Totally, totally, totally.
Well, fire away, man.
You're the only good friend I have who's come to visit.
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
Uh-huh.
I just wanted to, uh, say that, oh, if you see my grandfather - maybe you could just tell him that - Okay, so you didn't come here to visit me.
You came here to see your grandfather.
I get it.
Well, what do you mean? What are you talking about? Oh, pffft! Nigga, please.
I'm here to see you.
Why Right.
Okay.
It's cool.
You know, I I'm just gonna, you know, go back to the afterlife.
I'm sorry.
I'm being hostile.
It's just, I'm a little embarrassed right now.
- A little taken off guard.
- I'm just gonna No, go ahead, take them.
Get them.
- Yeah.
- Go ahead, get them, get them.
Oh, uh, just a heads up, though, Lee.
Um, I'm probably gonna haunt you for the rest of your life and if you have a daughter, I'm gonna possess the creepiest doll in her bedroom.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Just so you know.
Wait, wait, wait.
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie.
Stuart! - Do you believe in ghosts? - I I'm not, no.
I'm not a big ghost guy.
I don't have any ghosts in my house.
I know a lot of people just talking about, "Oh, yeah, "there's a ghost.
There's a ghost.
- "I feel her.
" - Yeah.
Yeah.
"Oh, she's there.
" "I feel her presence every time - "I go to the dining room.
" - My aunt had a ghost.
She used to say, and she goes, "And then one day, "I just named him Phillip.
" That's the crazy shit, when a motherfucker is, like, so believes that there's a ghost in their house that they've gone past the point of being scared.
They just say, "Oh, no, that's just Phillip.
" - "Yeah, he floats up high" - "He's just knocking "He's just knocking the coriander off of the spice shelf.
No big deal.
" "He's mad 'cause I'm making chili.
" "He's mad because I'm making chili today.
" "He don't like the smell of chili.
" "He lives in the spice rack and doesn't want me messing with all the stuff.
" - "Owes me a little rent.
" - "Oh, okay, Phillip.
" That's what my aunt used to say.
I said, "You got a straight poltergeist in your house "and you named him Phillip?" It's like, how about how about Option B? You crazy.
Look at this mess.
Makes me sick.
There's no way to stop this kind of insane violence.
Seems like no matter what we do, some innocent fool is always gonna get slaughtered, and we're always gonna be playing catch up.
We're never gonna find the guy that did this.
Tell that to his widow.
And we're always going to be playing catch up.
We're never gonna find the guy that did this.
Oh.
Do you ever pretend like you understand something when you don't really understand it? Yeah, to end conversations.
If your significant other's asking you a question you ain't gonna be like "I don't know.
" I won't do it.
It's so hard for me to just go, "I don't know.
" - You'd be like, "Well" - "Well" "It's probably the, the back of the airplane that's heavier.
" - Right, right, right.
- "So that's why "it wants to take off with the lightest part first.
" Yes.
"Well, we're talking about different parts of a cell.
"There's the, you know, the mitochondria, there's - "the endoplasmic reticulum.
" - Oh, just lipping now And then I just run out of I just say "endoplasmic reticulum" - and then run out of the room.
- You're just talking about riboflavin.
Yeah, and then run.
Yeah, yeah.
"Hemoglobin.
" Run, run, go.
Hemoglobin, hemoglobin, hemoglobin.
Hemoglobin, hemoglobin, hemoglobin, hemoglobin.
Oh, yeah.
He's back.
He's back.
He's back.
Yeah.
Oh! You want it! You know you want it! Come on.
He spread them.