Mom s05e05 Episode Script

1 Okay, maybe I'm old-fashioned.
Says the man who wears Aqua Velva.
I thought you like that.
I do.
Go on with your rant, honey.
I just don't think that dogs belong in stores.
I can't take my ice cream into a pet store, so why do all these people bring their dogs into an ice cream store? They're service dogs.
Really? How was that ratty little poodle being of service to that woman with the big, fake lips? She must need him or she wouldn't have bought him a stroller.
Oh, d-don't get me started on the strollers or the matching hats.
You know, you're getting dangerously close to old coot territory.
(imitating old coot): Which is just over yonder by those kids who won't pick a damn gender! (phone chimes) (both laugh) It's Christy.
- Is that coconut or poodle fuzz? - She wants me to pick up her waitress uniform at the dry cleaner.
I love how she thinks I have nothing better to do.
Do you? My side.
You're on my side.
(chuckles) "Will try, but Adam in a dark place again.
" Hey, hey, don't drag me into this.
Oh, I do it all the time.
If she asks, you have just a kiss of manic depression.
"Will try, but Adam really Ne " (screams) - Oh, my God.
Are you all right? - Oh! Oh! This is bad.
This is really bad.
Okay, here, take my hands.
I'll pull you up.
(grunts) Oh, stop.
I can't stand.
Honey, you got to get up.
You're in a bus stop.
Eventually, there's gonna be a bus.
(grunts) Okay.
- Let me try to drag myself out.
- All right.
Hurry, hurry.
Did you just eat your ice cream? Uh, I don't know.
Did I? How about when you're done with your treat, you call 911! So, what's the spa like? Oh, we take hikes through the desert, we meditate, we eat super healthy.
It's been the worst week of my life.
Well, you look good.
Damn well better look good after I W-What's that? - What are you eating? - Just a muffin.
Don't say "just a muffin" to me.
I'm on ten calories a day.
Hold it up.
Not the wrapper side.
Show me her face.
Ooh, she's pretty.
Jill, it's a muffin I bought at a car wash.
Oh, they're all the same in the dark.
- What kind is it? - Bran.
Lie to me.
Double chocolate chip.
Yeah, it is.
Take another bite.
- This is getting kind of weird.
- Take a bite! Oh, yeah.
(door opens) Oh, got to go.
I'm gonna reheat some pizza later.
I'll call you then.
What time?! Hey, where's my mom? She asked me to make sure you were here so she could make an entrance.
- What? - Come on in! Is she gonna do that thing where she asks "What's different about me?" and I'm gonna have to guess? Maybe, but it'll be easy.
Oh, my God! What happened? You made me fall.
How? You kept texting me about your stupid dry cleaning while I was walking and eating ice cream.
I almost got hit by a bus.
It was nine blocks away, but she could see it.
- Are they broken? - Yes.
No.
She tore a couple of ligaments.
She'll be in the chair for a few weeks.
You hear that, Christy? Torn ligaments because of your dry cleaning.
Yeah.
You have size 15 feet, but sure, I'm the one at fault.
The X-ray lady had trouble getting 'em in the same shot.
Hey! My side.
Well, is there anything I can do to help? For starters, you have to be the building manager until I can walk again.
I meant more like get you a pillow.
I'll take that, too.
All right.
Well, you know, just write a list of things I need to do around the building, and I'll be like you and not do them.
That's all I'm asking.
BONNIE: Oh, I'm slipping off the toilet! CHRISTY: Just push yourself off the bowl! - BONNIE: Grab my butt.
Ow! - CHRISTY: Hold the towel rack! - You're hurting my leg! - (Christy groans) CHRISTY: Stop pulling my hair! - BONNIE: Pull up my pants! - (glass breaks) CHRISTY: Great! Now we're gonna have seven years bad luck.
BONNIE: How will we tell? I always knew someday she'd need help using the toilet, but I was really hoping I'd be dead by then.
We better get this worked out before I have my coffee tomorrow morning.
For what it's worth, I really enjoyed listening.
You guys should do a podcast.
I'm glad you were entertained by me almost peeing on my daughter's hand.
"Almost"?! It was a direct hit! - (ringtone playing) - Oh, great.
Course my phone's in the kitchen.
Christy, do you mind? Hold on, I'm boiling my hand.
She used to pay good money for clean urine.
Hello? Uh, uh-huh.
Okay, I'll tell her.
Beverly's smelling something dead in her apartment.
Not the first time.
Hope and animals go there to die.
What do you want to do? Well, clearly I can't do anything, but you better get right on it.
Can't we just turn up the heat and see if whatever it is dries out? Just get up there.
Oh, and grab the hammer out of my toolbox.
Sometimes the dead thing isn't completely dead.
What? They scratch, they nip, they try to lay eggs in you.
It's disgusting.
If the dead thing bites me, I am biting you.
Ooh.
I'll bite you back.
There's your podcast: sober chicks who bite each other.
Do you see anything? CHRISTY: Yep, it's a dead mouse.
Wait.
Yeah, it's dead.
(groans) You're gonna need a new pair of tongs.
Why? It's just another kind of meat.
Now I'm kind of glad I turned down the lasagna you offered me.
Okay, I'm just gonna go throw Mickey in the Dumpster.
After that, can you drive me to the pharmacy? What? I can't drive at night.
Your mom takes me.
- My mother? - Yeah.
My mother does you favors? Christy, it's not a kidney.
It's just a ride to the pharmacy.
Okay.
Well, I guess I can take you.
- Thank you.
- (mouse squeaking) Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! All right, off we go.
(TV playing quietly) - (channel changes) - No.
- (channel changes) - No.
- (channel changes) - (scoffs) God, no.
- (channel changes) - Wait.
No.
(channel changes) (sighs) Okay, we're back to Matlock in Spanish.
You know the worst thing about being in a wheelchair? Enlighten me.
I'm just so bored.
I have all this energy and nothing to do with it.
It's like my usual sparkle is being wasted.
I wouldn't mind getting a little of that sparkle on me.
What are you talking about? Really? The sparkle thing wasn't clear? (chuckles) Look at me.
It's not happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Parts of it have already started.
BONNIE: Pull me up.
Pull me up.
ADAM: I'm pulling.
BONNIE: Swivel and slide.
Swivel and slide! ADAM: Stop flailing.
BONNIE: Oh! Hey, we got it.
The right parts are touching.
(both grunt) (both panting) We should probably get undressed now.
How about you just tickle my back and we take a nap.
All right.
Just so you know, the light is on.
Oh, thanks, Christy.
Mind if I ask a question? Why does a blind man need a light bulb? That was the one.
It helps regulate my circadian rhythms.
Also, I have friends who don't like to sit in the dark.
Oh, yeah.
Never thought about that.
Can I ask one more favor? Sure.
When your mom drops in to fix something, she usually hangs around and reads to me.
Oh, come on.
She does not.
Started out she'd read my mail, then we worked our way up to books.
She never even read to me.
That's a sad story.
My book is on the table.
Okay.
I guess I got a couple minutes.
From the bookmark, please.
"Chapter 12.
"She walked into my office "on legs that could wrap around a man twice.
"I felt a twinge of jealousy for the cigarette between her lips.
" Hey, Dr.
Seuss, it's not a children's book.
(breathy): "I felt a twinge of jealousy for the cigarette between her lips.
" Mmm.
"The kind of lips that God made for one reason and one reason only.
" Oh, that's graphic.
Don't look at me.
Your mom picked the book.
Hand to God, she reads to blind guys, helps old people run errands, and get ready for this one She got a tenant's Social Security check in the mail, and she returned it.
BOTH: Whoa.
Is it possible my mom's secretly a nice person? - No.
- Not a chance.
I mean, I'd get it if my mom was bragging all over the place about what a great person she is, but here's the thing She's not.
She's doing all this nice stuff on the down low.
Okay, well, let's try to look at this in a new way.
We all know from sobriety miracles can happen.
Junkie hooker becomes CEO, sure.
Bonnie Plunkett becomes a nice person, no.
- People do change in recovery.
- It's true.
I used to be very quiet and low energy.
And you are an inspiration.
But my mom is a different kind of animal.
My mom is an animal.
Well, you have every right to feel that way given your history, but maybe it's time we all admit she's becoming a better person.
Oh, please.
You know that story about the frog helping the scorpion cross the river? Yeah.
Your mother's the scorpion, and she can't change her nature.
No.
My mother's the river, and everybody drowns in her.
Okay, I got her in the tub.
With any luck, she'll doze off, and that'll be that.
(laughs) You guys are cute when you wish each other dead.
- Make you a sandwich? - Thanks.
So you're marrying my mother.
Unless she drowns in that tub.
Then you're the right person to ask.
I'm guessing there are things about her you like.
Of course.
What are they? Are you looking for something specific? For starters, do you think she's a good person? Let me tell you why I'm making a sandwich.
Your mother and I were supposed to go out to lunch today at that new Italian place.
(sighs) Hello there.
We need a table for two, preferably by a window because you know.
What do wheelchairs have to do with the window? Shh.
I got this.
I'm sorry.
We don't have any tables available.
Thanks anyway.
I told you we should've made a reservation.
Hang on.
Sir, you can't turn us away.
Do you realize how challenging it is for us to just get out of the house? - Bonnie - But today, we said, "Darn it, let's go out for a nice lunch like normal people.
" Are you kidding me? I'm so sorry.
Let me see if I can shift some things around.
Please don't bother.
We're out of here.
- What? Why? He's shifting.
- Uh You're unbelievable.
I'm sorry.
He's got a kiss of manic depression.
Keep shifting.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God, she's a monster.
- Thank you.
I feel so much better.
- What are you talking about? Well, Marjorie was trying to convince me that my mom's becoming a better person.
This is really good.
Excellent lettuce-to-meat ratio.
Thank you, but I I'm not done with the story.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
What happened next? She sucker-punch a baby? Just listen.
Slow down! Hey, stop that man! He stole my purse! Really? What are you so mad about? We're getting a table.
We'll probably get a free dessert.
How could you embarrass me like that? What's embarrassing? It was working.
You made me an object of pity.
Well, to get what Napa Valley Monthly calls "the best bucatini outside of Naples.
" Bonnie, I don't want people to see me as different, as "less than.
" - You're not "less than.
" - You're damn right I'm not.
But you wanted the maître" to feel sorry for us.
I just thought I could get a better table.
Do you know how hard I work for people not to see me as a guy in a chair? I guess I-I don't think about it because you make it look so easy.
Well, that's the way that I want it to look.
I don't cut in line, I don't bitch when there's not a ramp, and I don't ask for special treatment.
Ever.
No, you don't, and and I shouldn't have, either.
I guess I don't think enough about what you go through because I'm too busy thinking about myself.
I'm sorry, Adam.
I'm so, so sorry.
She actually said, "So, so sorry"? It surprised me, too.
She just straight-up apologized? No blaming other people, no fake tears, no "I grew up in the foster system.
I slept in a dog bed till I was 11.
" She even went back inside and apologized to the maître d'.
Wow.
She really is changing.
- Well - BONNIE: Damn it, Christy! My bath is getting cold! So turn the hot water on! I can't! I'm reading! Just give her a second.
Never mind! I figured it out! I put the book down! WOMAN (over TV): Don't avoid the world because of moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
Do you have any idea what plaque psoriasis is? Maybe it's when you get an award for your psoriasis.
Well, this guy has it, and then he took this pill, and now he's having the best day of his life.
He's swimming, he's making pottery.
Hey, I kind of wish I had it.
- Ready for your lunch? - I was ready 30 minutes ago.
How long does it take you to open a can? Actually, it's not from a can.
I made it from scratch.
- Really? What's that floatin' in there? - Vegetables.
Ugh.
Well, I'll choke it down.
Bon appétit.
What's with the smile? I'm just happy you're my mom.
Why? You're so funny.
Careful.
It's hot.
This unexpected pleasantness is very unsettling.
Can't a daughter just be nice to her mother? Not this daughter, not this mother.
Well, you better get used to it, because I love you no matter what.
Yeah, well, uh, I used the lost kid room at Walmart for day care.
That's okay.
The security guard taught me how to spell my name.
What's that all about? Oh, Christy's acting like she loves me, and it's really pissing me off.
- I love you, too.
- I will kick you with this boot.
(whistling a tune) - (door opens) - CHRISTY: Mom? (door closes) - Hey.
- Hey.
Weren't you supposed to go to the doctor today? I did.
Turns out he wants me to stay off my feet another week just to be safe.
Oh, no.
I know.
I'm so disappointed.
I really hate being a burden.
- You're not a burden.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
By the way, there is a family of raccoons living in the wall of 5G.
You're gonna need the gloves, and as cute as you think the babies are, they will go right for your eyes.
I'm on it.
- Christy, wait.
- Yeah? There's something I have to tell you.
My laundry is really piling up.
I'll take care of it.
You're the best.
By the way, you might want to close that cabinet, you lying, worthless dirtbag.
Don't tell Adam! Don't tell Adam!