New Girl s05e05 Episode Script

Why are you putting spoons in the laundry hamper? I'm hiding our nice stuff.
See, my cousin Bobby and Carol are coming in town, and they're gonna ask me for money, so I'm I'm trying my hardest to look poor.
You are poor.
Technically, yes, but I'm also the richest Miller in the history of our family.
I mean, I own part of a bar, I have a savings account.
I don't fully understand how to use it, but I do have it.
Nick, you're doing great; you really been stepping it up lately.
Calm down.
Thanks.
The other day The other day, I was at a restaurant, and they asked if I wanted avocado, and and I said, "Yeah.
" And they said, "It's extra," and I go, "Shh.
I know it's extra, but but I want it.
" Uh, Winston, you ready to go? Born ready! You know, believe it or not, you guys, I have never been wedding dress shopping before, so I didn't really know what to pack.
- Are those whistles? - Yeah.
These are whistles.
Oh, I even got a pocket fan so I can blow wind in your face, and your hair could be all like this.
Pocket fan.
Cece, I'm begging you, just cancel the appointment and reschedule it for when Jess comes back.
There is a six-month waiting list.
Do you not want us to get married in June? Oh, no, I want to get married in August, so I can walk down the aisle covered in flies.
You're so concerned about these flies.
- Please, go to the appointment.
- Look, relax.
All right? Nick is the best man, Jess is the maid of honor, and myself personally, this is where I cut loose.
This is where you unleash the beast, all right? Speaking of which, uh, Cece, did you bring your strapless bra, or should I get the booby tape? Booby tape.
Uh, no, Winston, this is just a ride.
It is just a ride, okay? Hey, guys, C-Cece, my cousins are almost coming! Cece, hide your jewelry! Winston, hide your jewelry! All the jewelry! Nick, this is insane.
Just tell your family that you can't give them any money.
Set some boundaries.
You're right.
Time for me to put my foot down.
- Put it down.
- I'm gonna say no.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna set boundaries.
No money for them.
- Hey! - Hey! Hey! - Hey, how you doing? - I thought I smelled fish! - Oh, yeah, you smelled fish.
- Look at you, huh? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- What, are you working out now, huh? - Yeah.
- Tough guy.
- Ow! You doing yoga? You doing yoga, huh? Yeah, I do I've done, yeah.
I don't do yoga.
Oh! Look at this.
Exposed brick, dude? Really? Oh, come on.
Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't build this.
You don't want to throw some carpet down over the hardwood? Yeah, what's wrong with wallpaper? - I love wallpaper.
I'd use - Don't forget about - who you are, man.
Look, he's getting weird.
- Yeah.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Maybe we take a a-a-a, you know, a "cah" down to the "hahbah" and check out The "Mahtian" on the big on the big screen with Matt Damon in "Mahs.
" Whose "cah" we taking? Stop, Schmidt.
Hey, we got you a little gift, yeah? - You didn't have to do that.
- Yeah.
Oh, I left it outside in the hall.
Well, go get it, you moron.
You're a moron, you moron.
I'm not the one who left it in the hallway.
Why didn't you bring it in if you saw it? Because I didn't see it until now.
Yeah, 'cause you're a maniac, and you're controlling me - all the time.
- Oh, my God, I love you so much! I love you, too, Peaches.
You're the best! Regular Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, these two.
This is how it starts.
There's three stages to a Miller asking for money: okay, it's compliments, it's ply with food, and then it's go in for the kill.
- Be strong.
- I'm trying to be strong.
Seems like there's a space theme.
You guys like space? Outer space? Yes.
- Yeah.
- Ah, you didn't have to do this.
- I got it at the airport.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- There it is.
- It's popcorn.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Comes all fancy-like in its own trash can.
That's too much.
That's too nice.
- No, come on.
- I love this kind of popcorn.
You're totally hooked up, brother.
'Cause you can mix and match.
- That's right.
- Easy.
Nick's not hungry.
- Oh, that's right.
- Is he your life coach? - Thank you for the offer, but - Nick, eat the popcorn.
- He just ate.
- I just ate.
- Just one piece.
- Nick, it's popcorn.
- Do it.
Do it.
- I don't want it.
It's good for you.
It's corn! You're trying to give me popcorn so that I give you money! It's not gonna happen! I'm not giving you money! I'm setting boundaries! Oh, Nicky, we don't want your money.
- You don't? - No! No, no.
We want your sperm.
What? Yeah, we're trying to start a family, and Bob's army's down.
I need your troops to storm my beaches.
S-So no money? - No.
- Just sperm? - Yep.
- Don't tell anybody, all right? Guys, this is excellent.
I got a lot of that.
If I had a dollar for every sperm, my room would be covered in dollar bills.
- Nick, a word, please.
A word.
- Right? Right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- A word.
Yeah.
Thanks for the popcorn, too.
One minute.
What's that guy, like, his manager? Doesn't quite feel like the one, and it doesn't really feel like it's me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it is you.
It is beautiful.
It has an attachment for a leash.
No judgments.
Wink, wink, right? But it does.
Do you mind if I just take one minute to think about it? Pass.
Pass.
Pass.
Pass.
Winston, I just asked you to drop me off.
- Sir, what is your role here? - I am her friend.
My job is to protect her, so, please, cut the caca, and bring us some dresses with an A-line cut.
I may or may not have done an extensive amount of research on wedding dresses.
I never thought that I would say this, but I am really glad that you're here.
So you're gonna take his word over my word? Show me some clavicle! - I love it.
- I hate it.
I love it.
- I hate it.
- It's perfect.
It's imperfect.
Am I crazy to want a hat? Forget the hat.
Forget the hat.
No! That's the one! That's the one! We got dibs! Schmidt, this is great.
They just want my sperm.
What about setting boundaries? They're not just reaching into your wallet this time, Nick.
They're reaching into your skin wallet.
- That's your scrotum.
- I got it.
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to veto this.
Yeah, well, you have no standing to veto.
It's my sperm.
You're my best friend in the whole entire world.
We've been through a lot together, so I just do feel like your sperm are partly my sperm.
Mi leche es su leche.
No! No! Nick, you've been doing so well lately.
- Thank you.
- Right on track with the plan.
My What plan? What are you talking about? I-I may have your entire life planned out on my computer.
I made a spreadsheet and everything.
I worked on it this morning.
You-You've got to be kidding me.
I don't It's not "Nick's Life Plan"? What is that?! I'm just trying to keep you on track, Nick.
Look, we've always done everything together, and I'm just worried that we're gonna drift apart.
You know, I'm gonna get married and have kids, and you're gonna be wandering around the grocery store, holding a bottle of Scotch and an ear of corn.
Okay, you know what? You know what I have to say to you, Schmidt? Boundaries.
You know, you and me.
Boundaries.
All right, let's do this.
- We're having a baby! - Yes.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, my boobs are - gonna get huge! - Unbelievable! They're gonna be like, "Get out of my way.
Here come my boobs.
" Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Yankees suck! This really means a lot to me, man.
I'm sorry I couldn't do it myself.
Yeah, you know what I think it was? One time, I got stung in the penis five different times by five different bees five days in a row.
What were you doing that your naked penis was exposed to bumblebees? Why is he here? You know, even though I don't approve of this, I would never, ever leave you in your time of need.
Schmidt, I don't want you here.
I told him I didn't want him here.
I can't be any more clear on that.
I botched it! Botched it good! Three strikes, and you're out! How do you botch it? You do not have my blessing.
I don't need your blessing.
I don't want it.
I don't care.
I don't even want you here.
Mr.
Miller, we're ready for you.
Thank you so much.
Here I go.
- Nicky, give 'em hell, huh? - Yeah.
- Get me a winner.
- All right? You got it.
- All right.
- All right.
- Go get 'em, Nicky.
We believe in you.
Come on, make a smart one.
- Here we go! - Yeah! - Hey, Schmidt, can I have a - So you do need my blessing! I don't need you! Just please come back in here with me.
Thank you.
Never seen two guys so close like that, you know.
My dad and his and his friend Joe were close like that.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you got in my head.
You got in my head.
Why'd you have to tell me about the plan, Schmidt? Now I need to know what happens.
Why am I not supposed to have a baby this way? As I saw it, your first child was to be born between you and a small Italian woman.
Like a Maria? - Yes, like a Maria.
- Okay.
She makes meatballs and soup, and does laundry in a wooden bucket.
- Yeah, she does.
- You guys have a child.
It's a boy.
I'm incredibly involved.
I give him the other half of a walkie-talkie just in case he ever has a question in the middle of the night.
Yes, I'm here.
He hides his broccoli in a planter during dinner.
I wink.
I look the other way.
- You mean e-broccoli.
- What? 'Cause it's the future.
How far in the future are you planning on having a child? Well, if we're talking about me meeting a woman, falling in love and having a kid? A very, very, very, very long time.
So many "verys.
" And let's face the facts.
My love life is a disaster.
Schmidt, this might be my only chance of having a kid.
- Don't say that.
- I'm saying it.
And if I can't have a kid with a woman, then maybe I'll have one with my cousin.
Horrifying wording for what actually is, well, a beautiful sentiment.
I-I want to do this.
I want to experience this.
You know, and I know I won't be able to raise him, and and that's disappointing, but I'll still see the little guy at parties and such.
Say hi.
He'll say hi.
Give him some fireworks to pop off, or or e-fireworks.
Man, I'm just I'm getting excited just thinking about this.
Look, it's not how I originally planned it, but it's still another Nick Miller in the world, and I'll take that any way I can get it.
You have my blessing.
Well, it's embarrassing to admit, but thanks, man, I kind of needed it.
Yeah, absolutely.
You should get out of here, man.
I'm gonna go masturbate.
Okay.
We really got after it there.
I am so happy I could help.
Like, I don't want to be greedy about it, 'cause I know I've already put on the most perfect dress once today, and I should wait - You thinking what I'm thinking? - I really want to put it on again.
- You should put it on again.
- I know! Okay, I'm going to go try it on.
- Okay, try it on again.
- Okay.
Oh, no! Oh, no.
What did we do? What is this? Oh, my God! How drunk were we? - No.
- No.
Okay.
You know what, no, no, no, no.
This is, you know what, this is, this is good.
Everything's all right.
I mean, look, you got mirrors.
You know, no one's ever done that before.
I like it, you know.
I like the Again, I can't talk enough about the mirrors.
Why is there a spot for batteries? So the glass can light up.
We were really excited about that feature.
Yeah.
You look like a prostitute for wizards.
I look like a bullfighter in space.
I cannot get married in this dress.
Okay, so what do you need me to do? Nothing.
I don't need your help.
Okay.
'Cause I'm just I'm gonna do it by myself.
Well - Yeah, well, no, I - You washed? Yeah, of course I washed.
Hey, why the why the long faces? Shouldn't we be celebrating here, guys? Listen, we, uh, we talked to the doctor and, uh, turns out we can't afford the procedure.
Are you kidding me? So I just masturbated for nothing? You-you guys flew across the country.
You didn't think about any of this beforehand? We did little to no research.
But we still want to have - a family, you know.
- Yeah.
We already fell in love with the little bastard.
Anyway, there is one other option we could explore.
What is it? Anything.
Nick I want you to have sex with my wife.
- What? - Yeah, we don't just need your reindeer, we need Santa.
- What? What? - Yeah, come down the chimney.
- Feet first.
- White Christmas.
Bring a sackful of gifts.
This is nuts.
I can't do this.
This might be your only chance to have a kid.
Yeah, but then I have to have sex with my cousin.
I don't want to have I don't want to have sex with my cousin.
It's not your cousin.
It's your cousin's wife.
That's like letting a dog drink water out of your mouth.
You know, it's not great, but it's legal.
The point I'm trying to make is, is I think I'd like another Nick Miller in the world.
- All right.
- Can you imagine? Come on, man, what do you say? I think the best thing to do here is to just look at this like a medical procedure.
Why is this guy in this conversation here? Bobby, it's a losing battle.
Just move past it.
And, Carol, look, I don't want this to feel, I-I don't know, romantic.
I don't want you getting confused.
- There's a zero percent chance of that happening.
- Yeah.
If you're suggesting that I can't be romantic, then you're out of your mind.
Yeah, excuse me, Nick is very romantic, okay? He does romantic things for me all the time.
Schmidt, what are you talking about? Just the other week, you were very romantic to me.
When I fell down in the parking lot and you picked me up? Get up, dude! How was that romantic?! It was beautiful and it was kind.
You know, romance doesn't always have to be sexual, - you idiot.
- You're the idiot! Don't.
Don't.
Honestly, you want to do this right now? Give me one shot at that big head, I'm gonna knock you out.
- Dominated you physically.
Admit it.
- Yeah, defense.
Can we put something over the windows? I want it to be pitch black in here, so I can't see I don't like the way you look at my body when you say that, Carol.
- Well - Okay, we got to keep it positive.
- I agree.
- I think what Nick is trying to say - Uh-huh.
- Is that he'd like to be completely naked.
- Where are you getting this from?! - Objection, Your Honor! Strongly! 'Cause I will be wearing clothes! - Overruled.
Yeah.
- Overruled.
- Yeah, stand down.
- But I'll-I'll tell ya, I'm not wearing a condom! End of discussion.
Guys such a clearly great joke.
Because obviously I can't wear, - you know - Oh.
We got to loosen the vibe a little.
- Can we do something about this smell? - Oh, yeah.
It is a little rank, yeah.
- There is an odor.
- Yeah.
Well, I lost a glass of milk.
You lost a glass of milk? Was it full? Yeah, it was to the top.
I could barely carry it.
Oh, that's outrageous! - Oh, God.
- Now, if you don't mind, I'd just like to bring things down for a second here.
Bob, Carol, um, I originally bought this for Nick, but since he may never have someone to give it to, I'd like for you guys to have it.
- Mm-mm.
- No, dude, no.
We're Pats fan.
We hate the Bears.
- You don't like the onesie? - Pats are number onesie.
Where did we land on me being in the room? - Get out, Schmidt! - Get the hell out of here! Look, I-I know that you have a "no return" policy, but you have to take this dress back, okay? I look like a rich person in The Hunger Games.
Yeah, I know.
I was gonna stop you from buying it, but I didn't, so we're done here.
Wrong! See, you may be done with her, but you're not done with the law.
Winston Bishop, LAPD.
You're a cop? The guy who was spinning around singing Patti LaBelle songs yesterday? And you must be the one who was serving champagne without a liquor license.
We don't charge for it.
It's legal.
Uh, not if it's being served to a-a minor.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, that's right.
I'm 17 years old.
I'm a kid.
You're a 17-year-old police officer? I'm a cop prodigy.
You see, my school is the streets.
But my other school is school.
'Cause-'cause I go to school.
Like a school-school, for learning.
You are so stupid.
No return policy is more important than the love that brings us here today, so This means a lot to her, so please help her out.
Well, that didn't work.
Look, Cece, I'm-I'm no good at this.
I'm no help.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna take a backseat to the wedding.
No.
Look what you did in there made me realize how much you really care about me.
I know that you're already one of Schmidt's groomsmen, um, but I was hoping you would maybe also consider being one of my bridesmaids.
You want me to be a bridesmaid? If you don't want to, I - Do you know who you're talking to? - Yes? - You're talking to Winnie the Bish! - Yeah.
I would love to be your bridesmaid! - Yes? - Yes! - Yes? - Yes! - Oh - Girl, you are under arrest for taking my breath away! What's with this parachute top? It's good for movement, hard to stain.
I thought it was appropriate.
Okay.
I don't know what you think we're about to do, but I'm keeping this very simple.
- I want to keep it simple.
- Uh-huh.
Great.
Should we should we just make love now, then? "Make love"? What, are we riding horses around on a beach topless? No, thank you.
Just tip me over and pour me out! Tip you over and pour you out? Yeah.
It's that children's rhyme that's also very sexual.
It is not sexual at all.
It is in this case.
Carol, I'm g I'm gonna need you to be a little bit nicer to me, please.
- Oh, my God, are you serious? - I can't p Listen, I can't perform sexually if I don't feel a-at least a little desired.
- Okay.
- Could you give me any sort of a compliment? Anything.
We'll go and then we'll just That will get me started.
I'll say something nice about you then and we can get into it.
Just one compliment.
Nothing on the front.
Can you turn around? No.
Keep turning.
No.
Stop.
Ah! - Okay, I won't Okay.
- Please.
Um First thing that pops in your head.
Oh, Nicky, you're such a sexy boy.
It felt crazy coming out of my mouth.
Right? - Just some just something simple.
- Oh, my God.
Just take your pants off and get in bed.
Okay, yeah.
All right! Okay? Come on! Any plans to go to the beach while you're in Los Angeles? Bob! He's freaking out! - Oh.
- Nick? I'm not freaking out.
I'm fine.
Just my heart's beating really fast.
- I feel a bit dizzy.
- Are you freaking kidding me? - Just need one sec.
- This is ridiculous! All I did was take my shoes off.
- Stand up and deliver! - What happened? What happened? - Is it over? Did you like it? - No! Look at him.
I just need one minute.
I just need one minute.
Everything's cool! Deal's on.
I just need one minute.
- Get ahold of yourself, man! - Hey, I'm ovulating for two more hours.
I need to get plowed! You're dressed like you're gonna run a marathon! Take off your windbreaker! Schmidt, tell them to stop yelling at me! No! You compose yourself and you make a miracle, or I will squeeze one out of you like a bottle of mustard! - What?! - Take your pants off! There's not even a belt or a button! Just pull 'em down! - Yeah, let's go with the miracle already! - Come on, man! No! Stop! Stop! - Just take your pants off! - Five minutes, and it's done.
I don't like this! I don't like this! - Take your pants off! - Do it! Do it, Nick! Come on, man! Do it! Take it out and do it! Boundaries! I said I need boundaries! Get out of my way! I need boundaries! Unbelievable.
Wow.
So typical.
Oh, look at that.
There's the glass of milk.
Really is filled to the brim.
It's like an infinity pool.
Wow, how the hell did he carry that thing? Bobby, I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
No, no, no, no.
It was a bad call.
Yeah, I guess it's weird to have sex with your cousin's wife.
No.
I I just can't stomach my kid coming from a Bears fan, that's all.
There's nothing wrong with being a Bears fan.
- That's all I'm gonna say to that.
- There kind of is.
No, it's weird to have sex with your cousin's wife.
- That's what's weird.
- We're gonna ask Cousin Terry.
He's got no arm past his elbow, but it was an accident; it's not genetic.
It's a good call.
He's very good-looking.
Uh, excuse me.
So we're not having a baby? Well, this is this is just great.
If you can't tell, I am being sarcastic.
What's with that guy? He was really fat as a kid.
- Now I get it.
- Ah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
We need to have a talk about today.
- I know.
Boundaries.
- No.
It's I want you to have something.
What's this for? I want you to save that and give it back to me when I have my own kid.
What do you mean, you're gonna have your own kid? When I have my own kid.
Don't make a big deal of it.
I just I don't I don't hate your plan.
I kind of like it.
Things have been going pretty good for me lately, and I-I would like to meet my own Maria.
With-a the meatballs.
With-a the red sauce.
With-a the red sauce.
I want to see that plan you got for me.
Well, come on, man.
It's a rough draft, but you should check it out.
What do we got here, chief? "Nick has a boy.
He calls him Gio.
" We die on the same day in 2098? You murder me and then kill yourself.
There's not a chance I make it to 2098.
Not a chance.
I don't want to see the 2050s.
Oddly enough, you won't.
See? I freeze you from 2050 to 2064.
That's why you're the genius.
That's why you're the genius.
Thank you.
- Can you see her? - Jess? Hey.
Hey, guys.
I pulled some strings.
I got her a note that says we're here.
You are amazing.
I don't know why every wedding doesn't have a bridesman.
Ooh, I'm-a get so naked at that bachelorette party! That's one reason.
Jess! Okay, Nick, the bag, the bag, the bag, the bag.
Okay.
Okay.
I got it, I got it.
I got the bag.
What do you mean, the bag? - Oh, come on! Just one peek! - No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
We good? - Yeah, we're good.
- Okay.
Hey.
Hey, hey, guys.
She's writing something.
- Wait for it.
Oh - _ - What? What's happening? - Don't worry.
Nothing.
I think she's writing something else.
- Okay.
All right.
That's something.
- _ - What's going on?! - Nice.
- _ - We miss you, too! - Aw, we miss you, too! - All right, I can't take it anymore! - No! No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, Jess can fix it.
- Jess can fix it.
- Schmidt? Schmidt? Just No, no.
Cover up.
It's not gonna look like this.
I got him.
I got him.
- You got him? Okay.
- Winston, I got him.
It's fine.
- See? Everything's fine! - This isn't romantic? - Come back soon! - I love you!