NewsRadio (1995) s05e05 Episode Script

You finished with the comics yet? No.
How about now? Hey, here, read this.
Yeah, nice try.
That's the paper that doesn't have any comics in it.
Well, sometimes they have comics on the editorial pages.
Yeah, but those are always about that donkey and his elephant friend, which are just stupid.
Hey, where's the coffee maker? Joe took it into the break room.
What--? What, is it broken? Well, how the hell should I know? I beg your pardon? I'm sorry, David.
I just, I haven't had my "Sally Forth" yet.
DAVE: Hey, Joe, what's with the coffee--? Oh, no.
Relax, dude.
This is all part of an experiment that society will thank me for later.
What, you're building a robot with a coffee maker for a head? What? Listen, man, I don't bring my home life into work.
So what's the point of this experiment? My hypothesis is as follows: By combining certain vitamins, amino acids, and herbal extracts together, I can make a drink that actually increases human intelligence.
Ah, the search for the elusive homemade smart drink.
Hey, what's with the banana peels? Oh, that's for the test subject.
Test? Joe, what have I told you about experimenting on Matthew? Relax, dude.
It's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.
Sure, not anymore.
Man, even I admitted that was wrong.
Here he comes.
MATTHEW: Hey, guys, what up? Oh.
Oh, ho-ho.
Banana peel.
See? That's mighty slippery.
Someone could trip on that, but don't worry, I took care of it.
And, Joe, what are we to have learned from this? The results are inconclusive at this juncture.
A little help, please.
[.]
[.]
That's a very handsome tie you're wearing, Max.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I was about to say the same to you.
I'm not wearing a tie.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, you're a silly little man, Max Lewis.
[LAUGHING.]
Darn it! It's incredible.
I tell you, it's just incredible.
"What's incredible, Max?" Well, I'm glad you asked, Lisa.
Yes? I didn't ask.
Lisa, can you be trusted to keep a secret? You like Beth.
Shh! Who told you? You did, yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.
You haven't told anyone, have you? If you like Beth, just ask her out.
She obviously likes you, you silly little man.
Yeah, but what if she just wants to be friends? Well, so she likes you as a friend.
Lisa, I have friends.
What I need is sex.
You have friends? No.
But what I need is sex.
Last week, you told me you wanted a soul mate.
Yes.
A soul mate to have sex with.
Max, I don't wanna be a confidante, okay? I know, but it-- Does that car come with a V8? This is a news station, not a car dealership.
At least try to make your lies plausible.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I panicked.
How much is a driver's side airbag, sir? JIMMY: Hey, Matthew.
What you got there, son? Smart drink.
Joe made it for me.
Oh, yeah? Well, is it working for you? Considering that Joe made it, and I have no idea what's in it, but I drank three quarts of it anyway, probably not.
Quick question, Dave.
Oh, somehow I doubt that.
Touché.
Anyway, I was looking at this story assignment that you gave me, you know, "Donuts versus bagels: which one Is rounder?" Yeah? And it kind of occurred to me that this is the sort of thing that we would never ever put on the air.
Oh, I don't know about never ever.
I do.
In a way it seems like it might be busy work.
You know, maybe keep me out of your hair.
What? Well, you know, it sounds to me like a very, very special story, Matthew.
One that only a very special reporter like yourself could handle.
Well, that's-- That's very flattering, of course.
But simultaneously, a tad bit patronizing, no? Matthew, is there another story you'd rather do? Well, isn't it almost time for our annual city budget review? Actually, Matthew, that's-- Actually, that's correct.
I thought so.
I'll just start crunching the numbers.
Ha, ha, huh? Heh, heh.
That doesn't prove anything, Joe.
What exactly is in that smart drink, Joe? What's it worth to you? You got scientific documentation? I just updated my data.
Let's see.
"11:35 a.
m.
, test subject now wicked smart.
" Hey, Lisa, what's going on? Three things are going on.
One, Max likes you.
Two, he doesn't know how to tell you.
Three, he won't stop talking to me about it.
Really? Max likes me? It's supposed to be a secret.
Why? Don't know.
Don't care.
But the ball's in your court now.
Wait a second.
Why doesn't he just tell me he likes me? Because Max is afraid that if he tells you the truth and you just-- Oh, God.
Just when I think I'm out, they drag me back in.
Sorry.
I guess I really should've disinfected before walking through the lab.
Shh! Check it out.
The guy is reading four books at the same time.
I'm see that.
It's unbelievable.
If this pans out, we're talking about a billion.
A billion dollars a year in revenue for James-Garelli Pharmaceuticals Inc.
Garelli-James Pharmaceuticals Inc.
Jam-Arelli Pharmaceut Inc.
Garm Phinc.
That sounds like a name people can trust.
Hey.
Hey, Matthew.
How you doing? Never better.
DAVE: Uh-huh.
You fellas have a good time talking about me in there? How'd you know we were talking about you? Well, A, it stands to reason.
And, B, I was reading your lips.
You read our lips like a computer? No, like a deaf person.
Oh, here's that city budget review I promised you, David.
Oh, well, thank you, Matt.
Also, I did an extrapolation of the figures for the next three years.
That kind of wrote itself.
Son, you really reading all these books at the same time? Yep.
What about this one? It's-- It's upside down.
Mr.
James, no offense, but have you ever read four books at a time? No.
Then don't tell me how to do it.
Hello, you big chicken.
Hello, you little steak.
I just had a very interesting conversation with Lisa.
Lisa who? Lisa, who says you have a crush on me, Lisa.
Hm.
What? I don't have a crush on you.
That would be juvenile.
Well, then why would she say that? Because Lisa's in love with me.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Well, isn't it obvious? Her every move, her every emotion betrays her, her secret passion.
Wait a minute.
But if she is in love with you, why would she tell me that you had a crush on me? Ah.
See, well, my theory is that she wants to see what kind of a threat you pose.
I mean, we are dealing with some pretty sick, twisted stuff here.
It's just so odd to me because I always got the impression that Lisa found you kind of annoying.
No.
She's a slippery one, Beth.
I just hope I can slip out of her hands.
Okay.
So, Matthew, you--? You actually feel smarter? No, David, I don't feel smarter.
I am smarter.
Really? Oh, I was skeptical in the beginning too.
When Joe first gave me the drink, I thought, "This is highly unlikely.
" Right.
No, actually, my first thought was, "I wonder if there's a surprise in the bottom.
" Then I thought the other thing, and that's when I realized I was getting smarter.
But physically? Physically you feel okay, huh? Honestly, Dave? I've never felt more alive.
Whole new vistas are opening up before me.
Mathematics, philosophy, literature.
I finally understand National Public Radio, David.
You understand everything they say? No, I understand that it's boring crap masquerading as bourgeois intellectual discourse, and therefore not worth my time.
[.]
LISA: You know, I used to have a life of my own.
I used to sit at my little desk and do my little job and I was so happy.
No, I was out of line and-- Out of line? You told Beth I was in love with you.
Well, I know.
I-- I panicked.
But-- Hey, look, now that the genie's out of the bottle, why don't you play along? Absolutely not.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
Oh, a little too real for you? No, it's not.
I don't have anything that even remotely resembles the hots for you.
Okay, reminder: I am a human being.
Tell her the truth, okay? It'll be good for you.
It'll be good for her.
It'll be wonderful for me to have my life back.
You know what? You're right, all right? And I'm sorry.
And I'll do that and I'll handle it with dignity and with grace.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
And-- God, woman, can't you take no for an answer? What just happened? You know, I apologize, Lisa, if you misinterpreted my vibe.
But that does not give you license to make my body your plaything! Lisa, you have got to accept the fact that Max is not attracted to you.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, my God, Max.
You were right.
I'm so sorry.
I owe you an apology.
Oh, it's Lisa we should be thinking of now.
She's so fragile.
Max.
Please don't beat yourself up about it.
No, I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Okay, good.
Okay.
No, no.
I mean, I do blame myself.
[.]
Oh, I never really thought of it like that.
Well, who thinks of allegory these days? Oh, I know.
But I mean, Star Wars as a metaphor for the whole Nixon administration.
I mean, that's fascinating.
Once you realize Lord Vader represents McNamara it all falls into place.
My question is, Do you think that the people who made Star Wars intended it that way? No, David.
I came up with that metaphor realizing the best way to explain triangular diplomacy to you is by comparing it to a popular children's movie.
You know, I hate to admit this, but it worked.
You know, it's kind of hard to even, like, you know, think of you as Matthew, you know? I can appreciate that.
Yeah? If you'd prefer, you can call me Smatthew.
"Smatthew"? Short for "Smart Matthew.
" Just an arbitrary way to differentiate who I am from who I was.
Ah, Smatthew, I like that.
I knew you would.
But wait, wait a second.
Okay, well, who's Nixon? Yoda.
Now, see, here it falls apart because Yoda was a wise old pacifist.
No.
Yeah, no, he was.
No, he was a-- Yoda was a Muppet.
The puppeteer who made Yoda authorized the secret bombing of Cambodia, on the other hand.
Kissinger? Exactly.
While losses were heavy and brokers pessimistic, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said-- More after this.
Oh, a cliffhanger.
I like it.
First of all, don't ever kiss me again.
Second of all, don't ever kiss me again.
And third of all, don't ever kiss me again.
I'm sorry.
I panicked.
Doesn't matter.
That was beyond inappropriate.
What? The kissing itself, or the involvement of tongue? Ugh! Both.
Both.
I think you owe it to me to go in there and tell Beth the truth.
About the involvement of tongue? No.
About this massive lie you have fabricated.
I can't.
Listen, if I tell her I lied, she's gonna think I'm pathetic.
You are pathetic.
Well, obviously.
But she doesn't need to know that.
Joe, take his blood pressure? It's 120/80.
Is that normal? I have no idea.
All right.
It's well within the predicted mean for a specimen of my age.
Check his pulse.
Gentlemen, hear me.
I am experiencing no side effects.
Please leave me be.
Just a few more tests.
Joe, you wanna see something cool? Okay.
His heart stopped beating.
His heart stopped beating! Are you sure? I'm on it.
Call 911.
No need.
I've started it up again.
Just a little parlor trick to amuse you, my friends.
Good, huh? Yeah.
What you did was good, Matthew.
Real, real good.
Real good.
Well, It's a simple matter of training the mind to control the involuntary musculature.
Smatthew, do you wanna go to a movie tonight? But of course.
Excellent.
David? Mm-hm? Did you go to the movies with the old Matthew much? Well, uh If I lie to you, you'll just see right through it, right? I'm afraid so.
Oh, well, then to be honest, no.
I kind of avoided socializing with the old Matthew as much as was possible.
Cretinous ape.
I'm sorry.
No, I was referring to the old Matthew.
Yeah.
Hi, Beth.
Are you stalking me now too? No.
I just wanna tell you, whatever Max said, I don't have a crush on him.
We've been friends for a long time.
Don't start lying to me now.
Why would I lie to you? Because you're embarrassed.
You're in love.
It's understandable.
But the truth is out now, so let the healing begin.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
There's just something about that brown little man that sets my heart all aflutter.
Okay.
You're putting me on now, right? Yes, I am.
Could we please drop the little fibs and the lies, the games and just get down to the truth? Yes.
The truth is-- The truth is is that you have no intention of letting Max Lewis go, do you? Well, that's fine.
You can have him, all right? Are you happy? DAVE: Hey.
What's going on? Smart drink party.
Well, I have to admit that that stuff is responsible for some pretty major changes around here.
It sounds like you're warming up to Matthew a bit.
No, not Matthew, Smatthew.
"Smatthew"? What does that--? Oh, let me guess.
Smooth Matthew.
No, no, no, no, no.
Smart Matthew.
In fact, I'm gonna go have a chat with Smatthew since you guys obviously have some drinking to do.
You can call me Smimmy.
And I just wanna sit at my little desk quiet as a mouse, and not be involved in any of this.
There, there.
It's so junior high school.
Well, it goes back further than that, Lisa.
Try Euripides.
You've read Euripides? I took a long lunch.
Well, what should I do? Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
You okay? Oh, I knew this was going to happen.
I just didn't count on it happening quite so soon.
What's--? What's wrong? It looks like Joe's smart drink is starting to wear off.
I'll get Joe to make a batch.
No, it won't work.
Well, why not? Because Joe's drink is basically just a placebo.
It has no chemical effect at all.
It does too have an effect.
Doesn't it, Smatthew? David, Lisa, Joe told the stupid Matthew that the drink would make him smarter.
The stupid Matthew believed him because he'll believe anything, and thus, it worked.
I'm having a little trouble following this.
Well, consider Wile E.
Coyote.
When he runs of a cliff, he can stay in midair indefinitely as long as he doesn't know he's in midair.
Yeah.
Who is Wile E.
Coyote? Oh, a latter-day Sisyphus.
It's not important.
I just needed a cartoon metaphor to help little David understand.
Ouch.
Wha--? How much longer do you have? I don't know.
Not long.
[.]
LISA: Max, I have known Beth for a long, long time.
And you just have to trust me on this.
Tell her the truth and I guarantee you everything will work out for the best.
Hi.
Hi, Beth.
Hey, Max.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Listen, I have something to tell you and it's not gonna be easy so I think it's best if I sit down.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Lisa doesn't have a crush on me.
And that was just a big, stupid lie I made up because I was-- I just couldn't tell you how I really felt about you.
Oh.
So you just lied to me over and over and over? Sort of.
Why? Because I was embarrassed.
Max.
Max, you didn't need to be embarrassed.
Well, then you forgive me? Not a chance in hell, you loser.
So how'd that go? Not very well.
That's okay.
Beth doesn't really usually stay mad for long.
I hate you and I hope you get run over by a bus! [.]
All ready to go to the movies, Smatthew? Who's "Smatthew"? Smart Matthew.
Oh, right.
He, um He kind of fades in and out on me.
Mm-hm.
Well, whichever one you are, I've enjoyed talking to you today.
I know you did, David.
But don't be sad.
The butterfly lives only a few weeks but that doesn't mean we cannot enjoy his beauty.
Let's try to enjoy Smatthew's beauty while he still has a few hours left, shall we? Yeah.
You know, I kind of wish you could have met the other Matthew.
The stupid one? Yeah, yeah.
Why? I think it'd be nice for you to know that he really is quite a sweet guy.
I did meet him, Dave.
Oh, how so? Today, you were my stupid Matthew.
[.]
[.]