Northern Exposure s05e05 Episode Script
A River Doesn't Run Through It
I first noticed the oil pressure dropping when I ran Fleischman to the Kenai Peninsula yesterday.
He's got some sort of public health thing over there.
I don't know- immunizations or something.
Oh, yeah? He is so annoying.
"What's that?" Every time we hit an air pocket- "What's that? What's that?" I spent the whole time just trying to find an altitude where he wouldn't hyperventilate, and by the time we touched down, I was a nervous wreck.
Okay, Mitch, crank it.
Uuh! Oh! Stop, stop! Whoa! Oh, man! - Pushrod seal maybe? Well, it came from the cylinder.
Oh, man, we have to tear the whole thing down.
Miss O'Connell? Yeah.
Miss O'Connell, my name is Kevin Wilkins.
This is Roger,Jimmy.
Hey.
Hey.
We're the Senior Class Committee at Cicely School.
- Yeah? - Actually, we're the senior class at Cicely School.
The three of you? Well, there used to be Lisa French, but she moved, which is why we're here actually.
See, homecoming is this weekend, and we don't have a homecoming queen.
So, we were wondering, if it's not too inconvenient, would you do it? Me? Homecoming Queen? Well, why don't you ask a junior? We could, but there's only two girls in the class, and they're twins, and they're, you know Total kibble.
Homecoming Queen is supposed to be a babe.
This is a joke, right? Come on! Car wash! Come here! Hey, Cicelians, Chris in the Morning wishing everybody a happy homecoming.
Join me this Saturday at the south fork of theJefferson River for the big end-of-the-season fly-fiyhing match between the Nipnuk Whales and your own Cicely Marmots.
Helming up the Marmots effort's gonna be team captain Kevin Wilkins, a Cicely senior who last week caught a 24-inch rainbow with seconds remaining to beat Talkeetna at the buzzer.
Freshman fish-off is gonna be at 8:00 a.
m.
, followed by junior varsity at 10:00 and the varsity at 2:00.
Now, it says right here- I'm not makin' this up- "Be there or be square.
" I don't know what that means, so I'm not takin' any chances.
I'm gonna be there.
Yes? - Mrs.
Miller? - Yes.
I'm Amy Patterson of the Internal Revenue Service.
Yes, I have all my records ready- uh, fiscal year 1991.
Good.
Let me tell you why we're conducting this audit.
Every tax return we receive is assigned a score based on a computer-generated formula.
Your Schedule " C" was flagged because it failed to correspond to the normal range of scores for your type of business.
Do you understand me? Uh-huh.
Now, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
In fact, it could be the government owes you money.
It happens.
But what we need to do together, is to come up with some reasonable explanation for the anomaly.
Can I pay for this, Ruth-Anne? Oh, um- Please.
That it, Walt? Yeah.
The old Ford finally gave out on me.
That's $55.
42.
I got a few beaver here and some wolverine, otter.
That one's fox.
Oh, that's a beauty.
Tell you what.
You bring me one more fox and two or three weasels, and we'll call it even.
Deal.
Okay.
Tell me, Ruth-Anne, do you have many customers like him? What do you mean? Barter traffic- people who trade goods or services for merchandise.
Oh, all the time.
Well, it must be a struggle for you, tracking inventory.
Oh, not really.
I just put it on the shelf and hope somebody'll buy it.
So when do you pick up the sale? Excuse me? How do you record the sale? I didn't sell it.
I traded it.
Look here, Ed.
I want to show you something.
Take a look at that.
"The five wealthiest men in the interior.
" Number one again, Maurice.
Congratulations.
No, no, no.
Look- Look down here at number four.
"Lester Haines.
" Don't pop any buttons now.
H- He's one of your people, Ed.
Lester.
He's Haida- actually, Raven Clan.
Uh-huh.
Well, whatever.
The point is, he's the first Indian to crack the big five.
Oh, yeah? - Any lessons in that, Ed? - Uh, well- Any thoughts of, uh, perseverance? Opportunity? You're not on my wavelength, are you, son? My point is, that, uh, no matter how disadvantaged a group a person's born in, it's no barrier to success.
You keep your head down, your aim high, and you will succeed.
That's the story here.
Right.
Uh, don't let me keep you from your work.
Hey.
Hey, nice match last week.
Thank you.
Hook 'em, Kevin.
All right.
Hey, Kevin, that was a hell of a finish against Talkeetna.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Vincoeur.
Dave? Dave, pour this man a Pepsi on the house.
He's gonna take us all the way to the state finals.
How's the casting arm? Oh, it's great.
Hey, is, uh, Miss O'Connell around? Yeah, Maggie? She's right over there.
Okay.
Thank you, Mr.
Vincoeur.
Oh, hi, Kevin.
Hi.
Hey, sit down.
Hey, sorry to bother you.
I just wondered if, uh, you'd made up your mind yet.
Right.
This weekend, huh? Here you go.
Thanks.
Well, you know, I was thinking, and, um- Well, I'm just a little too old to be Homecoming Queen, don't you think? No.
Not to me.
Well, not old old.
Just that- Well, it's just a little silly, isn't it? Well, I guess.
Do you really want me to do this? Yeah.
I'll do anything.
I'll shovel your drive this winter.
I'll take out your trash.
You don't have to do that.
Okay.
You'll do it? That is so great! This is really a big help.
Thanks, Miss O'Connell.
Maggie.
Maggie.
Great.
Maggie! Telephone! It's Dr.
Fleischman.
Oh.
Ahh, Fleischman? Hello? O'Connell, have you seen my Pearlcorder? Hey.
What? I- I can barely hear you.
My little tape recorder.
I use it to take notes.
Yeah.
What about it? It may have fallen out of my pocket in your plane.
Huh.
I didn't see it.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
Look, uh, why? Is it important? Yeah, it's very important.
It happens to be very expensive.
It cost me a couple hundred dollars.
Well, huh.
You know what? You didn't pack it.
I bet you anything.
Look, listen to me.
I need the thing to take patient histories, okay? So buy a pencil.
O'Connell, please, it's gotta be in your plane.
This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't pulled that little roller coaster act over the mountains.
Oh, so now it's my fault? You rolled that thing on purpose.
Fleischman- Fleischman, you're such a child.
I mean, God! You want- Wait, you're breaking up.
Fleischman, let me tell you somethin'.
This is just ridiculous.
I don't know where your recorder is.
- Why would I want to keep your recorder? Hello? - Hello? Hello? Fleischman? Fleischman? Hello, hello, hello? O'Connell! Hello? O'Connell? O'Connell! - Lester.
- Maurice.
What brings you to this part of the tundra? Oh, I just thought I'd pay a little informal visit, congratulate you on cracking the top five.
Thanks.
You wouldn't believe the number of calls I've been getting.
I imagine.
Is that a Tansey? Yeah.
Myra surprised me with it last month.
Please, have a seat.
Oh, thanks.
I was just over at the, uh, Hanson Realty Company, and, uh, Bob tells me you're gonna unload your Salmon River property.
- Thinkin' about it.
- Well, when we talked about it a year- no, no, two years ago, you weren't interested in selling at all.
Yes? Hi, big guy.
What do you want another pony for? Oh, I don't think Freckles is lonely.
He has you and Heather to keep him company.
Well, I think Mommy's right.
If you still feel this way when it's your birthday, we'll talk about it.
Deal? Okay, pal, we'll see you tonight.
So, what happened to change your mind? Why do you want to sell now? Maurice, what usually changes your mind? You got a better offer.
Group from Portland- ophthalmologists mostly.
What's their idea? Same thing you talked about- luxury resort, fishing, hunting.
And they're overpaying, believe me.
Not necessarily.
It depends on their financing package.
If you get good terms and you get- Excuse me, Mr.
Haines.
Yes, Anacleto? Fabric samples for the screening-room chairs.
First choice, second choice.
Thank you, sir.
- Raven Clan? - Anacleto? He's Filipino.
Oh.
Well, like I said, I only dropped by for a minute.
You and Myra ought to come over and have dinner sometime, look at some of my new acquisitions.
I've, uh- My tastes are not as modern as yours, but I've got a nice Giacometti, and some early Mondrian.
She'd love it.
Oh, good.
Uh, how about tomorrow night? I'll, uh- I'll invite Bob Hanson over to round out the table.
We'll talk some more about this Portland deal.
Oh, I think we're free.
Good.
Uh, 8:00? Yeah, 8:00's fine.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, how are you? March 22, S.
T.
, window washing, $ 18.
00.
Oh, Stan Tinley.
Uh, his Snogo business was in the dumps, so I let him wash windows for groceries.
Basically another non-recorded transaction.
Is that it? What is the big deal? No cash was involved.
Nevertheless, an economic event did take place.
Well, I'd hardly call it an " event.
" Ruth-Anne, your failure to record such events has had the net effect of lowering gross receipts, inflating costs of goods sold, and ultimately resulting in deficient payment of taxes.
And I must advise you that if the total deficiency exceeds 25% of the total income, you could be subject to charges of felony fraud.
Felony? Excuse me.
May I use your phone? Yeah, sure.
And this Tinley fellow- Did you pick up that $18 of groceries on his 1099? If not, he's underreporting his income.
Gerald? Yes, I wanted to talk to you.
I thought we agreed to keep everything from the children.
"Not poison the well.
" Isn't that what you said? Oh, don't give me that! You are so full of crap! Gerald, he is only eight years old! He cannot make up his mind for himself.
And I was not on tranquilizers.
Do you hear me? It was hot.
I was tired.
I lost grip of the wheel.
Well, you must have told him something, Gerald, because my own son is asking me if I'm a drug addict! Oh, I know what you're doing here, and it's not gonna work.
I am not the bad parent.
I am not the one who can't keep it in his pants! Now, where were we? March 22.
Yes.
Eighteen dollars, window washing.
I got some zircon earrings and matching pin that are gonna go dyno with that.
Oh, I don't know.
This slip-What do you think? Mega.
I think I'm just gonna take it back.
Why? Because this is silly.
What? Well, you know, buying a new dress for homecoming when you're 31 years old.
Besides, don't you think this is too low in the back, back here? No way.
Show 'em some skin.
When else am I gonna wear something like this? All those guys are gonna be bustin' out of their jeans.
Yeah? You look hot.
Really? Well, maybe I could find a place to wear it- Maurice's party and Founders' Day maybe.
Ooh, whoa.
Major backflip.
You okay? Ooh, yeah.
Huh! Did I ever tell you that I was Homecoming Queen when I was in high school? Me too.
Really? I was captain of the cheerleaders too.
Those were fun times.
I bet the entire varsity wanted to get in your pants.
Mm-hmm! Well, I had seven guys ask me to the homecoming dance.
That Kevin Wilkins is cute.
He is, isn't he? What? Oh, nothing, nothing.
I just think, you know, maybe he has a tiny little crush on me.
The way he avoids eye contact and can't really get his words out.
- It's really very sweet.
- You gonna do him? - What? - Nice buns.
Shelly, he's 17 years old.
They have laws against things like that.
Maybe.
But that age, they keep going and going- just like the battery bunny rabbit.
How about those earrings? Well, Ed, you're gonna have to hold down the fort.
I'm stuck in inventory hell all day with the dragon lady.
Ed, did you hear me? Oh.
Sure thing, Ruth-Anne.
- Boy, I bet he's rich.
- Who? Oh, theJolly Green Giant.
All those vegetables.
But is he happy? Does he really like working in the valley? He sure seems happy.
Ho-ho-ho! Is something bothering you, Ed? No.
Well, I was just wondering, you know- What? Well, is it all right not to make a lot of money? Oh, of course it is.
There are a lot of things in life more important than money.
'Cause I was talkin' to Maurice, and he said That's your problem.
Ed, don't listen to that old blowhard.
He may have money, but that's about all he has.
You're going to be an artist, remember? Okay.
Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
You're welcome.
Ruth-Anne, this boat- Is this a hobby of yours? Oh, heavens, no.
Oscar Shumway brought that in lastJune for 600 feet of irrigation hose.
Did you include it on your '92 inventory? Kayak? Yes.
Its value could be the basis for- Never mind.
What about the hose? How much was the cost of the hose? I don't know- $200 maybe.
And, uh, this? Uh, what's the value of this? Oh, that's part of an old guitar that my son Rudy played.
He broke it trying to imitate Hendrix.
I don't know why I keep it around.
Tell me-Tell me about this Rototiller here.
Well, uh, Ray White brought that back because he couldn't make the payments.
It cost me about $300, I think.
There should be a receipt someplace.
Oh, here it is.
Oh, God.
Mrs.
Patterson? Oh, please go ahead.
It was, uh, $317.
42.
What do you call a man who sleeps with his own marriage counselor? He said things were getting better.
We were making progress.
That's why he wanted the extra sessions.
Oh, God.
The next time you're on the Côte d'Azur, forget St.
Tropez.
You gotta travel inland to a little hillside burg called St.
Paul-de-Vence.
You didn't think it was too touristy? No.
We prefer Biot.
Small, forgotten.
It just exudes Provence.
I'll have to put that on my list.
Say, Lester, Maurice and I were talking earlier about your Salmon River deal.
Yeah, you still selling to those, uh, eye doctors in Oregon? I talked to my attorney this afternoon.
He's advising me to take their offer.
That's because he hasn't seen my offer.
Maurice.
I decided to run something up the flagpole, see if anybody saluted.
I've, uh, redrawn the lines on those lots that your friends in Portland are talking about.
See what you think of these numbers, Lester.
Not fair, Maurice.
Not while we're having such a nice meal.
Point well taken, lovely lady.
Cheers.
Coming.
Don't you look handsome? Come on in.
Okay.
This is for you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah.
Well, my mom told me I should pin it on you, so- Ow! Oh! Oh, gosh.
Look, maybe I can help, you know? All right.
These things can be tricky sometimes.
Okay, let's see.
There.
How's that? Awesome.
Whoop.
- Hello? - Did you find it? Fleischman, I looked, I didn't see it.
All right? Look, I can't talk right now.
I have company.
- What? - I have company.
I'm going out.
- Did you look under the seats? - Fleischman, I'm hanging up now.
- No, O'Connell - Look, believe it or not, my life does not revolve around you or your personal electronics.
All right? Now, sweet dreams.
Wait! Wait! Ready? Twelve years of marriage.
Two children.
You know what I said to him? I said, "How could you do this to me, you son of a bitch?" He said his therapist gave him a standing ovation.
His therapist! His lover! Ohh, in your worst fantasy- you know, when you think your husband might be sleeping with somebody else- you think, well, you know, she's at least attractive, probably young.
I mean, for the love of God, what else would be the point? Where's accounts receivable for August? Mrs.
Patterson, I don't think you're in any fit condition to go on with this audit.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I really am.
I'm fine.
Well, I'm wrung out.
Can't this wait until tomorrow morning? I do have a room at the bed-and-breakfast.
What? I don't want to be alone.
A lot of guys only pay attention to their cast, you know? No.
The key is really in the retrieve.
You can throw but what's the point if you don't know how to play it? Exactly.
- Pretty good acoustics.
- Yeah, very good.
All right, all right, all right.
Can I have your attention? Okay, time for the king to crown the queen.
I'm just gonna- Oh, all right.
put it on, all right? Yep.
All right, smile! All right, everyone.
Time for the Coronation Dance.
Let's hear it for Kevin and Maggie, front and center.
Yeah! Uh, you dance good.
Oh, thank you, Kevin.
So, uh, what's with you and Dr.
Fleischman? Excuse me? You know, the phone call.
Oh.
Nothing.
Ohh.
Are you two seeing each other? Me and Fleischman? No, no.
God, no.
We can't even stand being in the same room together.
So, uh, you're a free agent? Kevin, we need to talk.
Um, you know, you're really charming, and- and I'm flattered by all this attention.
But, you know, you're gonna be going away next year, and- and you may not believe it now, but you're gonna just meet lots of girls- you know, girls your own age.
Well, I already have a girlfriend.
You do? Well, yeah.
She's a freshman at " U" Dub.
Oh.
Wait.
You think I have the hots for you? No, no.
You know, I was just making conversation about you and Dr.
Fleischman, I mean.
Of course.
We just think it's too bad a great looking woman like you is alone all the time, that's all.
What do you mean, " we"? The guys.
Well, everybody knows you don't go out that much.
But I guess that's just because you must like it that way, huh? Right.
Yeah.
Independent, on your own.
- Absolutely.
- Well, that's good, 'cause Well, some of the guys think you're just lonely.
Do- Do you like this song? I've always liked this song.
Hmm.
Kevin is very sweet, and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was break his heart, but I just had to tell him that his feelings and his expectations about me were- were inappropriate, you know, and- and unrealistic, frankly.
Shot him down, huh? Well, I tried to be as gentle as possible, and he took it pretty well.
Of course, he was hurt.
You know, boys that age can be so vulnerable.
But give him time.
He'll get over it.
You bring fabric softener? Yeah.
You know, Shelly, this whole homecoming thing is just ridiculous.
I felt so foolish with those kids, you know? So I just told 'em they can get somebody else to light their bonfire.
Maggie, the queen is supposed to do that.
Well, look, I didn't want to do this in the first place.
You know I didn't.
It's just that they insisted.
Still, you said you would.
Well, let me ask you something, Shelly.
Shoot.
Why is it people assume I'm available for every ludicrous stunt in town? Because I don't have a boyfriend? Because I'm not married? Because I don't have kids? What, what, what? They think that just because I don't have a man in my life, I'm lonely? Yeah, I guess.
It is possible to have a life without a man.
It just is, you know.
Look, I have a rewarding job, lots of friends, lots and lots and lots of hobbies.
Hobbies? Yeah.
Look, the point is, Shelly, I'm not lonely.
There's nothing missing in my life.
I'm utterly and completely fulfilled, and, hey, you know, I do not need to be Homecoming Queen.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
Good morning.
Thank you for letting me use your couch.
It's no trouble.
I'm sorry.
I've never done this before.
Forget it.
Have a seat.
No, really- to drop all that on you.
Sometimes it's easier to let down with strangers, I guess.
How long were you married, Ruth-Anne? Forty-one years.
It wasn't all bliss.
Was he fooling around on you? - No.
I was.
- You're kidding.
I packed parachutes in England during the war, and I fell in love with an R.
A.
F.
pilot.
He was killed over the channel.
When I got back to the States Bill knew something was up, but he never pressed.
You mentioned parachutes.
Gerald's father took up skydiving at the age of 62.
Killed himself.
Fell into the Golden Nugget parking lot in Laughlin, Nevada.
And I was there for Gerald.
I pulled him out of it.
It wasn't the Prozac.
It wasn't the loss-and-grief workshop.
And now he tells me that I'm smothering him- that I'm overdetermined for nurturing.
Is that what you think too? Well, I- I really wouldn't know.
But it does seem as if he's had a fair amount of tragedy in his life.
Is that what I'm attracted to? Oh, it's so pathetic.
It's never that simple.
I'm sure he has other qualities.
And the homecoming countdown continues, Cicely.
Don't forget, we got the big car parade tonight at 7:00, followed immediately by the pep rally and bonfire at the council ring outside the V.
F.
W.
gym.
Let's give the Marmots a great big hand.
If they can't do it, no one can.
All right, Marmots, all right! I'm glad to see you got the team spirit, Stevens.
What, you got some kind of feline in your tank? You've been whistlin' "Running Bear" all morning.
Have I? Oh, well, I guess it must be a testament to the, uh, health benefits of closing a deal.
They say it releases endorphins, you know.
Just like crystal meth.
What, you and, uh, Lester Haines been shootin' up some capitalism together? Oh, yeah.
It couldn't have turned out any better.
I'm going down to Yellow Knife to sign the papers now.
You should have been there, Chris.
You really should have been there.
I got Lester to take less money for essentially the same land that those investors from Portland were after.
How? Well, I redrew the boundary lines.
See, uh, I threw out everything that I didn't want.
Lester and I went back and forth, but Lester believes that he's got a better deal my way, because he gets to keep a big chunk of real estate that'll only appreciate when my fishing resort's a hit.
But what he failed to realize was that I control the only road through there.
I control the access.
That's good, right? Yeah, that's good.
If Lester or anybody else wants to develop that piece of property, they've gotta come through me to do it.
- Pay you.
- You got it.
Hold down the fort, son.
I'll be back.
Okeydokey.
$ 15,297.
01.
November.
$14,962.
41.
Okay, December receipts, and that's it.
$ 17,432.
23.
- Uh, Amy? - Yeah? Uh- What? Nothing.
Never mind.
Okay.
Now, all I have to do is revise your Schedule " C," and your S.
E.
Schedule, put it on a 4599, and I'll be out of your hair.
You'll be back in business in no time.
Hmm.
Problem, Maurice? Yeah, there seems to be a little glitch here.
You've left out Parcel 1-A.
- Uh, you know, the one where the big bend in the river is.
- Did I? Yeah, it's right here in the first paragraph.
Well, that wasn't part of our agreement, was it? The hell it wasn't.
Take a look, Maurice, under " exclusions.
" That's your handwriting, isn't it? And your initials? Well, yeah, but- but I meant to, eh- Yes? No, Phoenix.
It's been covered.
Right.
Now, look, Lester.
It's a simple mistake.
Any fool can see that I intended to leave out, uh, Parcel 2-B.
I didn't know that.
Look, why would anyone want a fishing lodge that only has 15 feet of riverfront property? What am I supposed to do, let people line up and take turns wettin' their hooks? Now I'm confused.
You thought you were buying that entire stretch of river? Yeah.
Maurice, including that parcel would have pushed the purchase price significantly.
This is a problem.
I suppose we could hold a separate negotiation for it.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
No, sir.
If Parcel 1-A is not included, I'm not buying a foot.
But you already have, Maurice.
Those are just notes.
Those are just numbers.
I'm not a lawyer, but this has descriptions, amounts, signatures.
I believe that's a letter of agreement.
If you think you're gonna hold me to that, you've got another thing coming, my friend.
- What is it, Anacleto? - Mrs.
Haines wants to know- - Look, can we finish this discussion? - Yes, sir.
I don't have the power to hold you to anything, Maurice.
That's for the courts to determine should it become necessary, which I sincerely hope it doesn't.
We shook hands on this last night.
What are you gonna do about this? I don't know, Maurice.
What are you gonna do? You've hardly touched your chicken salad, Ruth-Anne.
Too much celery? Oh, no, it's fine.
I bet that I.
R.
S.
chick's got you bummed.
Didn't like her the moment I caught wind of her.
Thin lips.
She made a mistake.
- A mistake? - Figuring my income.
I was giving her December receipts, and I told her 17,400 and some, and she entered 14,700 and some.
- Well, let's see, that's, uh- - That's a $2,700 error in my favor.
Bitchin'.
Yeah, what's the problem, Ruth-Anne? - Well, shouldn't I tell her? - Tell her? Are you crazy? When did Uncle Sam do anything for you? Well, I- I suppose it isn't really that much money.
Well, not to them.
But to you it could be the difference between a good year and a bad one.
What are they gonna spend it on anyway, more paper clips? Smart bombs.
Oh, I don't know.
Somehow, it just seems like- - Cheating? - Yes.
Well, uh, it's not cheating if it's their mistake.
- Damn right.
- Most often, it's in their favor.
It's kinda like basketball.
You're drivin'to the hoop.
Guy from the other team slaps the ball away.
It's a clean block.
Ref calls a foul.
What are you gonna do, tell him he's wrong? You're gonna step up to the line, and you're gonna take your shot, 'cause next time the call could go against you.
For sure.
It's all a game.
Well, do we have a contract or not? I haven't actually practiced law in years, Maurice, but it's common knowledge under the statute of fraud that an agreement for purchase or sale of real property must be in writing.
All right, cut to the chase.
Yes, this is a contract.
I've seen sketchier deals written on napkins that were upheld in court.
So I'm screwed, right? Not necessarily.
You could try " mutual mistake of fact.
" What the hell's that? That's when both parties inadvertently agree to an erroneous contract.
Clear grounds for recision.
Sounds good to me.
Only you'd need Lester to go along, and since your boner redounded to his benefit, we certainly can't count on that.
There's gotta be something.
- The wine.
- What about the wine? - Lester didn't touch his last night, did he? - No.
Left a full glass of'61 Petrus sittin' on the dining-room table over there.
Really ticked me off.
I don't think he had a drink all night.
Uh-uh.
What did you have, Maurice? Me? Mm-hmm.
Oh, uh, my usual- a couple of fingers of Glenlivet before dinner, a few glasses of wine with dinner, some Sauternes.
Wait a minute.
If you think I was drunk, you're barkin' up the wrong tree.
- Sounds like you were over the limit to me.
- I was in complete control.
Okay.
All right, make your point.
I was thinking " unfair advantage.
" I'm a potential witness.
And Lester willfully took advantage of your inebriated condition by getting you to sign an agreement, which he knew at the time to be misstated, illogical.
No court in equity would let that stand.
Are you saying that I should stand up in front of a judge, and say I let an Indian get me drunk and pull the wool over my eyes? Look, I have a reputation to uphold, Hanson.
No, I- I will not stand up and tell the world that I was bamboozled by Nanook of the North! How would you explain it, Maurice? I took my eye off the ball, that's all.
He had nothing to do with it.
In that case, I'd say you've bought yourself a big piece of property.
Hey, Maggie, they got a picture of you at the homecoming dance.
Here.
No, thanks.
Well, you look real good.
Bet that kid fell in love with you.
Did you take my No.
Oh, uh, is this your tape recorder? It was jammed under the seat of your plane.
Oh, it's Fleischman's.
The patient is a male Caucasian, complaining of painful suppurating lesions on the left buttock and in the perianal area, period.
He's had furuncles in the area previously, and was studied thoroughly for diabetes and other systematic problems that might contribute to the infections, period.
Uh, no underlying diathesis was discovered, period.
The treatment will be complicated because the patient has developed an allergy to penicillin, and we'll have to start with other antibiotic therapy- probably Vancomycin, period.
Plan routine blood count, repeat blood sugar and urinalysis for completeness sake, comma, sitz bath T.
I.
D.
, comma, culture material from lesion for type of organism and sensitivity, period.
Will defer Vancomycin therapy until bacterium- Okay, these are our Schedule " C" adjustments, the total and the corrected tax.
Following through down to here, we pick up an additional amount for self-employment.
Now, applying all of this against last year's return, we come up with a total deficiency, plus interest, of $3,156.
39.
Now, if all that's agreeable, please sign here.
You made a mistake, Amy.
I'm sorry? In your numbers.
Well, I always check my figures twice.
Uh, not on that- in the gross receipts.
You misentered December.
I did.
Mm-hmm.
Well- we're gonna have to make that adjustment.
That's 12% of 2,700.
That comes out to an additional $1,026, plus interest.
Okay.
Please sign there.
Okay.
Now, this is your copy.
Thank you.
And if you have any questions on future returns, please don't hesitate to call our field office for any kind of assistance.
Good-bye, Ruth-Anne.
Good-bye.
To the Cicely Marmots! Whoo-hoo! I know when you wade through that river tomorrow, you're gonna make us proud.
So here's to taut lines and full creels! - Yeah! Those Nipnuk Whales are gonna swim home with their tails between their legs! Yeah! Go Marmots! Marmots! Go, Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots.
He beat me, Chris.
He beat me on a level playin' field.
Lester? Yeah.
I had him in my sights, and all of a sudden he was right on my tail.
Well, that's pretty big of you, Maurice, you know? I mean, admittin' to defeat to a- a man you consider inherently inferior.
Hello? - Fleischman? - O'Connell? Yeah, hi, it's me.
What's up? Well, I- I was just calling to see how you are, I guess, you know.
How I am? Yeah.
Where are you? I hear something pounding or something.
Oh.
It's, uh- Just must be the connection.
So, um, how's the survey going? Oh, okay, I guess.
I found a little gastroenteritis up here.
There seems to be a bug in the water.
Really? Huh.
So, you gonna try some, uh, antibiotic treatment therapy? - Antibiotic therapy? - Well, yeah, you know, like, uh, Vancomycin? No.
Vancomycin is for gram-positive organisms.
Enteric disease is usually caused by gram-negative.
Really? I thought I'd go with tetracycline and, uh, some symptomatic therapy- you know, like Kaopectate.
- Hmm.
- Hey, why are you so interested in this all of a sudden? Well, it's interesting sort of.
We need to address the fundamental problem of the water supply.
That seems to be the big problem.
You know, there there's a nonspecific dysentery now, and unless we clean up the water we could be in for something a lot more serious.
Uh-huh.
I mean, there- there's all kinds of giardia and sparganosis, amebiasis.
Who knows? Who knows! What? I said,you're right.
Who knows?
He's got some sort of public health thing over there.
I don't know- immunizations or something.
Oh, yeah? He is so annoying.
"What's that?" Every time we hit an air pocket- "What's that? What's that?" I spent the whole time just trying to find an altitude where he wouldn't hyperventilate, and by the time we touched down, I was a nervous wreck.
Okay, Mitch, crank it.
Uuh! Oh! Stop, stop! Whoa! Oh, man! - Pushrod seal maybe? Well, it came from the cylinder.
Oh, man, we have to tear the whole thing down.
Miss O'Connell? Yeah.
Miss O'Connell, my name is Kevin Wilkins.
This is Roger,Jimmy.
Hey.
Hey.
We're the Senior Class Committee at Cicely School.
- Yeah? - Actually, we're the senior class at Cicely School.
The three of you? Well, there used to be Lisa French, but she moved, which is why we're here actually.
See, homecoming is this weekend, and we don't have a homecoming queen.
So, we were wondering, if it's not too inconvenient, would you do it? Me? Homecoming Queen? Well, why don't you ask a junior? We could, but there's only two girls in the class, and they're twins, and they're, you know Total kibble.
Homecoming Queen is supposed to be a babe.
This is a joke, right? Come on! Car wash! Come here! Hey, Cicelians, Chris in the Morning wishing everybody a happy homecoming.
Join me this Saturday at the south fork of theJefferson River for the big end-of-the-season fly-fiyhing match between the Nipnuk Whales and your own Cicely Marmots.
Helming up the Marmots effort's gonna be team captain Kevin Wilkins, a Cicely senior who last week caught a 24-inch rainbow with seconds remaining to beat Talkeetna at the buzzer.
Freshman fish-off is gonna be at 8:00 a.
m.
, followed by junior varsity at 10:00 and the varsity at 2:00.
Now, it says right here- I'm not makin' this up- "Be there or be square.
" I don't know what that means, so I'm not takin' any chances.
I'm gonna be there.
Yes? - Mrs.
Miller? - Yes.
I'm Amy Patterson of the Internal Revenue Service.
Yes, I have all my records ready- uh, fiscal year 1991.
Good.
Let me tell you why we're conducting this audit.
Every tax return we receive is assigned a score based on a computer-generated formula.
Your Schedule " C" was flagged because it failed to correspond to the normal range of scores for your type of business.
Do you understand me? Uh-huh.
Now, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
In fact, it could be the government owes you money.
It happens.
But what we need to do together, is to come up with some reasonable explanation for the anomaly.
Can I pay for this, Ruth-Anne? Oh, um- Please.
That it, Walt? Yeah.
The old Ford finally gave out on me.
That's $55.
42.
I got a few beaver here and some wolverine, otter.
That one's fox.
Oh, that's a beauty.
Tell you what.
You bring me one more fox and two or three weasels, and we'll call it even.
Deal.
Okay.
Tell me, Ruth-Anne, do you have many customers like him? What do you mean? Barter traffic- people who trade goods or services for merchandise.
Oh, all the time.
Well, it must be a struggle for you, tracking inventory.
Oh, not really.
I just put it on the shelf and hope somebody'll buy it.
So when do you pick up the sale? Excuse me? How do you record the sale? I didn't sell it.
I traded it.
Look here, Ed.
I want to show you something.
Take a look at that.
"The five wealthiest men in the interior.
" Number one again, Maurice.
Congratulations.
No, no, no.
Look- Look down here at number four.
"Lester Haines.
" Don't pop any buttons now.
H- He's one of your people, Ed.
Lester.
He's Haida- actually, Raven Clan.
Uh-huh.
Well, whatever.
The point is, he's the first Indian to crack the big five.
Oh, yeah? - Any lessons in that, Ed? - Uh, well- Any thoughts of, uh, perseverance? Opportunity? You're not on my wavelength, are you, son? My point is, that, uh, no matter how disadvantaged a group a person's born in, it's no barrier to success.
You keep your head down, your aim high, and you will succeed.
That's the story here.
Right.
Uh, don't let me keep you from your work.
Hey.
Hey, nice match last week.
Thank you.
Hook 'em, Kevin.
All right.
Hey, Kevin, that was a hell of a finish against Talkeetna.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Vincoeur.
Dave? Dave, pour this man a Pepsi on the house.
He's gonna take us all the way to the state finals.
How's the casting arm? Oh, it's great.
Hey, is, uh, Miss O'Connell around? Yeah, Maggie? She's right over there.
Okay.
Thank you, Mr.
Vincoeur.
Oh, hi, Kevin.
Hi.
Hey, sit down.
Hey, sorry to bother you.
I just wondered if, uh, you'd made up your mind yet.
Right.
This weekend, huh? Here you go.
Thanks.
Well, you know, I was thinking, and, um- Well, I'm just a little too old to be Homecoming Queen, don't you think? No.
Not to me.
Well, not old old.
Just that- Well, it's just a little silly, isn't it? Well, I guess.
Do you really want me to do this? Yeah.
I'll do anything.
I'll shovel your drive this winter.
I'll take out your trash.
You don't have to do that.
Okay.
You'll do it? That is so great! This is really a big help.
Thanks, Miss O'Connell.
Maggie.
Maggie.
Great.
Maggie! Telephone! It's Dr.
Fleischman.
Oh.
Ahh, Fleischman? Hello? O'Connell, have you seen my Pearlcorder? Hey.
What? I- I can barely hear you.
My little tape recorder.
I use it to take notes.
Yeah.
What about it? It may have fallen out of my pocket in your plane.
Huh.
I didn't see it.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
Look, uh, why? Is it important? Yeah, it's very important.
It happens to be very expensive.
It cost me a couple hundred dollars.
Well, huh.
You know what? You didn't pack it.
I bet you anything.
Look, listen to me.
I need the thing to take patient histories, okay? So buy a pencil.
O'Connell, please, it's gotta be in your plane.
This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't pulled that little roller coaster act over the mountains.
Oh, so now it's my fault? You rolled that thing on purpose.
Fleischman- Fleischman, you're such a child.
I mean, God! You want- Wait, you're breaking up.
Fleischman, let me tell you somethin'.
This is just ridiculous.
I don't know where your recorder is.
- Why would I want to keep your recorder? Hello? - Hello? Hello? Fleischman? Fleischman? Hello, hello, hello? O'Connell! Hello? O'Connell? O'Connell! - Lester.
- Maurice.
What brings you to this part of the tundra? Oh, I just thought I'd pay a little informal visit, congratulate you on cracking the top five.
Thanks.
You wouldn't believe the number of calls I've been getting.
I imagine.
Is that a Tansey? Yeah.
Myra surprised me with it last month.
Please, have a seat.
Oh, thanks.
I was just over at the, uh, Hanson Realty Company, and, uh, Bob tells me you're gonna unload your Salmon River property.
- Thinkin' about it.
- Well, when we talked about it a year- no, no, two years ago, you weren't interested in selling at all.
Yes? Hi, big guy.
What do you want another pony for? Oh, I don't think Freckles is lonely.
He has you and Heather to keep him company.
Well, I think Mommy's right.
If you still feel this way when it's your birthday, we'll talk about it.
Deal? Okay, pal, we'll see you tonight.
So, what happened to change your mind? Why do you want to sell now? Maurice, what usually changes your mind? You got a better offer.
Group from Portland- ophthalmologists mostly.
What's their idea? Same thing you talked about- luxury resort, fishing, hunting.
And they're overpaying, believe me.
Not necessarily.
It depends on their financing package.
If you get good terms and you get- Excuse me, Mr.
Haines.
Yes, Anacleto? Fabric samples for the screening-room chairs.
First choice, second choice.
Thank you, sir.
- Raven Clan? - Anacleto? He's Filipino.
Oh.
Well, like I said, I only dropped by for a minute.
You and Myra ought to come over and have dinner sometime, look at some of my new acquisitions.
I've, uh- My tastes are not as modern as yours, but I've got a nice Giacometti, and some early Mondrian.
She'd love it.
Oh, good.
Uh, how about tomorrow night? I'll, uh- I'll invite Bob Hanson over to round out the table.
We'll talk some more about this Portland deal.
Oh, I think we're free.
Good.
Uh, 8:00? Yeah, 8:00's fine.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, how are you? March 22, S.
T.
, window washing, $ 18.
00.
Oh, Stan Tinley.
Uh, his Snogo business was in the dumps, so I let him wash windows for groceries.
Basically another non-recorded transaction.
Is that it? What is the big deal? No cash was involved.
Nevertheless, an economic event did take place.
Well, I'd hardly call it an " event.
" Ruth-Anne, your failure to record such events has had the net effect of lowering gross receipts, inflating costs of goods sold, and ultimately resulting in deficient payment of taxes.
And I must advise you that if the total deficiency exceeds 25% of the total income, you could be subject to charges of felony fraud.
Felony? Excuse me.
May I use your phone? Yeah, sure.
And this Tinley fellow- Did you pick up that $18 of groceries on his 1099? If not, he's underreporting his income.
Gerald? Yes, I wanted to talk to you.
I thought we agreed to keep everything from the children.
"Not poison the well.
" Isn't that what you said? Oh, don't give me that! You are so full of crap! Gerald, he is only eight years old! He cannot make up his mind for himself.
And I was not on tranquilizers.
Do you hear me? It was hot.
I was tired.
I lost grip of the wheel.
Well, you must have told him something, Gerald, because my own son is asking me if I'm a drug addict! Oh, I know what you're doing here, and it's not gonna work.
I am not the bad parent.
I am not the one who can't keep it in his pants! Now, where were we? March 22.
Yes.
Eighteen dollars, window washing.
I got some zircon earrings and matching pin that are gonna go dyno with that.
Oh, I don't know.
This slip-What do you think? Mega.
I think I'm just gonna take it back.
Why? Because this is silly.
What? Well, you know, buying a new dress for homecoming when you're 31 years old.
Besides, don't you think this is too low in the back, back here? No way.
Show 'em some skin.
When else am I gonna wear something like this? All those guys are gonna be bustin' out of their jeans.
Yeah? You look hot.
Really? Well, maybe I could find a place to wear it- Maurice's party and Founders' Day maybe.
Ooh, whoa.
Major backflip.
You okay? Ooh, yeah.
Huh! Did I ever tell you that I was Homecoming Queen when I was in high school? Me too.
Really? I was captain of the cheerleaders too.
Those were fun times.
I bet the entire varsity wanted to get in your pants.
Mm-hmm! Well, I had seven guys ask me to the homecoming dance.
That Kevin Wilkins is cute.
He is, isn't he? What? Oh, nothing, nothing.
I just think, you know, maybe he has a tiny little crush on me.
The way he avoids eye contact and can't really get his words out.
- It's really very sweet.
- You gonna do him? - What? - Nice buns.
Shelly, he's 17 years old.
They have laws against things like that.
Maybe.
But that age, they keep going and going- just like the battery bunny rabbit.
How about those earrings? Well, Ed, you're gonna have to hold down the fort.
I'm stuck in inventory hell all day with the dragon lady.
Ed, did you hear me? Oh.
Sure thing, Ruth-Anne.
- Boy, I bet he's rich.
- Who? Oh, theJolly Green Giant.
All those vegetables.
But is he happy? Does he really like working in the valley? He sure seems happy.
Ho-ho-ho! Is something bothering you, Ed? No.
Well, I was just wondering, you know- What? Well, is it all right not to make a lot of money? Oh, of course it is.
There are a lot of things in life more important than money.
'Cause I was talkin' to Maurice, and he said That's your problem.
Ed, don't listen to that old blowhard.
He may have money, but that's about all he has.
You're going to be an artist, remember? Okay.
Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
You're welcome.
Ruth-Anne, this boat- Is this a hobby of yours? Oh, heavens, no.
Oscar Shumway brought that in lastJune for 600 feet of irrigation hose.
Did you include it on your '92 inventory? Kayak? Yes.
Its value could be the basis for- Never mind.
What about the hose? How much was the cost of the hose? I don't know- $200 maybe.
And, uh, this? Uh, what's the value of this? Oh, that's part of an old guitar that my son Rudy played.
He broke it trying to imitate Hendrix.
I don't know why I keep it around.
Tell me-Tell me about this Rototiller here.
Well, uh, Ray White brought that back because he couldn't make the payments.
It cost me about $300, I think.
There should be a receipt someplace.
Oh, here it is.
Oh, God.
Mrs.
Patterson? Oh, please go ahead.
It was, uh, $317.
42.
What do you call a man who sleeps with his own marriage counselor? He said things were getting better.
We were making progress.
That's why he wanted the extra sessions.
Oh, God.
The next time you're on the Côte d'Azur, forget St.
Tropez.
You gotta travel inland to a little hillside burg called St.
Paul-de-Vence.
You didn't think it was too touristy? No.
We prefer Biot.
Small, forgotten.
It just exudes Provence.
I'll have to put that on my list.
Say, Lester, Maurice and I were talking earlier about your Salmon River deal.
Yeah, you still selling to those, uh, eye doctors in Oregon? I talked to my attorney this afternoon.
He's advising me to take their offer.
That's because he hasn't seen my offer.
Maurice.
I decided to run something up the flagpole, see if anybody saluted.
I've, uh, redrawn the lines on those lots that your friends in Portland are talking about.
See what you think of these numbers, Lester.
Not fair, Maurice.
Not while we're having such a nice meal.
Point well taken, lovely lady.
Cheers.
Coming.
Don't you look handsome? Come on in.
Okay.
This is for you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah.
Well, my mom told me I should pin it on you, so- Ow! Oh! Oh, gosh.
Look, maybe I can help, you know? All right.
These things can be tricky sometimes.
Okay, let's see.
There.
How's that? Awesome.
Whoop.
- Hello? - Did you find it? Fleischman, I looked, I didn't see it.
All right? Look, I can't talk right now.
I have company.
- What? - I have company.
I'm going out.
- Did you look under the seats? - Fleischman, I'm hanging up now.
- No, O'Connell - Look, believe it or not, my life does not revolve around you or your personal electronics.
All right? Now, sweet dreams.
Wait! Wait! Ready? Twelve years of marriage.
Two children.
You know what I said to him? I said, "How could you do this to me, you son of a bitch?" He said his therapist gave him a standing ovation.
His therapist! His lover! Ohh, in your worst fantasy- you know, when you think your husband might be sleeping with somebody else- you think, well, you know, she's at least attractive, probably young.
I mean, for the love of God, what else would be the point? Where's accounts receivable for August? Mrs.
Patterson, I don't think you're in any fit condition to go on with this audit.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I really am.
I'm fine.
Well, I'm wrung out.
Can't this wait until tomorrow morning? I do have a room at the bed-and-breakfast.
What? I don't want to be alone.
A lot of guys only pay attention to their cast, you know? No.
The key is really in the retrieve.
You can throw but what's the point if you don't know how to play it? Exactly.
- Pretty good acoustics.
- Yeah, very good.
All right, all right, all right.
Can I have your attention? Okay, time for the king to crown the queen.
I'm just gonna- Oh, all right.
put it on, all right? Yep.
All right, smile! All right, everyone.
Time for the Coronation Dance.
Let's hear it for Kevin and Maggie, front and center.
Yeah! Uh, you dance good.
Oh, thank you, Kevin.
So, uh, what's with you and Dr.
Fleischman? Excuse me? You know, the phone call.
Oh.
Nothing.
Ohh.
Are you two seeing each other? Me and Fleischman? No, no.
God, no.
We can't even stand being in the same room together.
So, uh, you're a free agent? Kevin, we need to talk.
Um, you know, you're really charming, and- and I'm flattered by all this attention.
But, you know, you're gonna be going away next year, and- and you may not believe it now, but you're gonna just meet lots of girls- you know, girls your own age.
Well, I already have a girlfriend.
You do? Well, yeah.
She's a freshman at " U" Dub.
Oh.
Wait.
You think I have the hots for you? No, no.
You know, I was just making conversation about you and Dr.
Fleischman, I mean.
Of course.
We just think it's too bad a great looking woman like you is alone all the time, that's all.
What do you mean, " we"? The guys.
Well, everybody knows you don't go out that much.
But I guess that's just because you must like it that way, huh? Right.
Yeah.
Independent, on your own.
- Absolutely.
- Well, that's good, 'cause Well, some of the guys think you're just lonely.
Do- Do you like this song? I've always liked this song.
Hmm.
Kevin is very sweet, and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was break his heart, but I just had to tell him that his feelings and his expectations about me were- were inappropriate, you know, and- and unrealistic, frankly.
Shot him down, huh? Well, I tried to be as gentle as possible, and he took it pretty well.
Of course, he was hurt.
You know, boys that age can be so vulnerable.
But give him time.
He'll get over it.
You bring fabric softener? Yeah.
You know, Shelly, this whole homecoming thing is just ridiculous.
I felt so foolish with those kids, you know? So I just told 'em they can get somebody else to light their bonfire.
Maggie, the queen is supposed to do that.
Well, look, I didn't want to do this in the first place.
You know I didn't.
It's just that they insisted.
Still, you said you would.
Well, let me ask you something, Shelly.
Shoot.
Why is it people assume I'm available for every ludicrous stunt in town? Because I don't have a boyfriend? Because I'm not married? Because I don't have kids? What, what, what? They think that just because I don't have a man in my life, I'm lonely? Yeah, I guess.
It is possible to have a life without a man.
It just is, you know.
Look, I have a rewarding job, lots of friends, lots and lots and lots of hobbies.
Hobbies? Yeah.
Look, the point is, Shelly, I'm not lonely.
There's nothing missing in my life.
I'm utterly and completely fulfilled, and, hey, you know, I do not need to be Homecoming Queen.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
Good morning.
Thank you for letting me use your couch.
It's no trouble.
I'm sorry.
I've never done this before.
Forget it.
Have a seat.
No, really- to drop all that on you.
Sometimes it's easier to let down with strangers, I guess.
How long were you married, Ruth-Anne? Forty-one years.
It wasn't all bliss.
Was he fooling around on you? - No.
I was.
- You're kidding.
I packed parachutes in England during the war, and I fell in love with an R.
A.
F.
pilot.
He was killed over the channel.
When I got back to the States Bill knew something was up, but he never pressed.
You mentioned parachutes.
Gerald's father took up skydiving at the age of 62.
Killed himself.
Fell into the Golden Nugget parking lot in Laughlin, Nevada.
And I was there for Gerald.
I pulled him out of it.
It wasn't the Prozac.
It wasn't the loss-and-grief workshop.
And now he tells me that I'm smothering him- that I'm overdetermined for nurturing.
Is that what you think too? Well, I- I really wouldn't know.
But it does seem as if he's had a fair amount of tragedy in his life.
Is that what I'm attracted to? Oh, it's so pathetic.
It's never that simple.
I'm sure he has other qualities.
And the homecoming countdown continues, Cicely.
Don't forget, we got the big car parade tonight at 7:00, followed immediately by the pep rally and bonfire at the council ring outside the V.
F.
W.
gym.
Let's give the Marmots a great big hand.
If they can't do it, no one can.
All right, Marmots, all right! I'm glad to see you got the team spirit, Stevens.
What, you got some kind of feline in your tank? You've been whistlin' "Running Bear" all morning.
Have I? Oh, well, I guess it must be a testament to the, uh, health benefits of closing a deal.
They say it releases endorphins, you know.
Just like crystal meth.
What, you and, uh, Lester Haines been shootin' up some capitalism together? Oh, yeah.
It couldn't have turned out any better.
I'm going down to Yellow Knife to sign the papers now.
You should have been there, Chris.
You really should have been there.
I got Lester to take less money for essentially the same land that those investors from Portland were after.
How? Well, I redrew the boundary lines.
See, uh, I threw out everything that I didn't want.
Lester and I went back and forth, but Lester believes that he's got a better deal my way, because he gets to keep a big chunk of real estate that'll only appreciate when my fishing resort's a hit.
But what he failed to realize was that I control the only road through there.
I control the access.
That's good, right? Yeah, that's good.
If Lester or anybody else wants to develop that piece of property, they've gotta come through me to do it.
- Pay you.
- You got it.
Hold down the fort, son.
I'll be back.
Okeydokey.
$ 15,297.
01.
November.
$14,962.
41.
Okay, December receipts, and that's it.
$ 17,432.
23.
- Uh, Amy? - Yeah? Uh- What? Nothing.
Never mind.
Okay.
Now, all I have to do is revise your Schedule " C," and your S.
E.
Schedule, put it on a 4599, and I'll be out of your hair.
You'll be back in business in no time.
Hmm.
Problem, Maurice? Yeah, there seems to be a little glitch here.
You've left out Parcel 1-A.
- Uh, you know, the one where the big bend in the river is.
- Did I? Yeah, it's right here in the first paragraph.
Well, that wasn't part of our agreement, was it? The hell it wasn't.
Take a look, Maurice, under " exclusions.
" That's your handwriting, isn't it? And your initials? Well, yeah, but- but I meant to, eh- Yes? No, Phoenix.
It's been covered.
Right.
Now, look, Lester.
It's a simple mistake.
Any fool can see that I intended to leave out, uh, Parcel 2-B.
I didn't know that.
Look, why would anyone want a fishing lodge that only has 15 feet of riverfront property? What am I supposed to do, let people line up and take turns wettin' their hooks? Now I'm confused.
You thought you were buying that entire stretch of river? Yeah.
Maurice, including that parcel would have pushed the purchase price significantly.
This is a problem.
I suppose we could hold a separate negotiation for it.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
No, sir.
If Parcel 1-A is not included, I'm not buying a foot.
But you already have, Maurice.
Those are just notes.
Those are just numbers.
I'm not a lawyer, but this has descriptions, amounts, signatures.
I believe that's a letter of agreement.
If you think you're gonna hold me to that, you've got another thing coming, my friend.
- What is it, Anacleto? - Mrs.
Haines wants to know- - Look, can we finish this discussion? - Yes, sir.
I don't have the power to hold you to anything, Maurice.
That's for the courts to determine should it become necessary, which I sincerely hope it doesn't.
We shook hands on this last night.
What are you gonna do about this? I don't know, Maurice.
What are you gonna do? You've hardly touched your chicken salad, Ruth-Anne.
Too much celery? Oh, no, it's fine.
I bet that I.
R.
S.
chick's got you bummed.
Didn't like her the moment I caught wind of her.
Thin lips.
She made a mistake.
- A mistake? - Figuring my income.
I was giving her December receipts, and I told her 17,400 and some, and she entered 14,700 and some.
- Well, let's see, that's, uh- - That's a $2,700 error in my favor.
Bitchin'.
Yeah, what's the problem, Ruth-Anne? - Well, shouldn't I tell her? - Tell her? Are you crazy? When did Uncle Sam do anything for you? Well, I- I suppose it isn't really that much money.
Well, not to them.
But to you it could be the difference between a good year and a bad one.
What are they gonna spend it on anyway, more paper clips? Smart bombs.
Oh, I don't know.
Somehow, it just seems like- - Cheating? - Yes.
Well, uh, it's not cheating if it's their mistake.
- Damn right.
- Most often, it's in their favor.
It's kinda like basketball.
You're drivin'to the hoop.
Guy from the other team slaps the ball away.
It's a clean block.
Ref calls a foul.
What are you gonna do, tell him he's wrong? You're gonna step up to the line, and you're gonna take your shot, 'cause next time the call could go against you.
For sure.
It's all a game.
Well, do we have a contract or not? I haven't actually practiced law in years, Maurice, but it's common knowledge under the statute of fraud that an agreement for purchase or sale of real property must be in writing.
All right, cut to the chase.
Yes, this is a contract.
I've seen sketchier deals written on napkins that were upheld in court.
So I'm screwed, right? Not necessarily.
You could try " mutual mistake of fact.
" What the hell's that? That's when both parties inadvertently agree to an erroneous contract.
Clear grounds for recision.
Sounds good to me.
Only you'd need Lester to go along, and since your boner redounded to his benefit, we certainly can't count on that.
There's gotta be something.
- The wine.
- What about the wine? - Lester didn't touch his last night, did he? - No.
Left a full glass of'61 Petrus sittin' on the dining-room table over there.
Really ticked me off.
I don't think he had a drink all night.
Uh-uh.
What did you have, Maurice? Me? Mm-hmm.
Oh, uh, my usual- a couple of fingers of Glenlivet before dinner, a few glasses of wine with dinner, some Sauternes.
Wait a minute.
If you think I was drunk, you're barkin' up the wrong tree.
- Sounds like you were over the limit to me.
- I was in complete control.
Okay.
All right, make your point.
I was thinking " unfair advantage.
" I'm a potential witness.
And Lester willfully took advantage of your inebriated condition by getting you to sign an agreement, which he knew at the time to be misstated, illogical.
No court in equity would let that stand.
Are you saying that I should stand up in front of a judge, and say I let an Indian get me drunk and pull the wool over my eyes? Look, I have a reputation to uphold, Hanson.
No, I- I will not stand up and tell the world that I was bamboozled by Nanook of the North! How would you explain it, Maurice? I took my eye off the ball, that's all.
He had nothing to do with it.
In that case, I'd say you've bought yourself a big piece of property.
Hey, Maggie, they got a picture of you at the homecoming dance.
Here.
No, thanks.
Well, you look real good.
Bet that kid fell in love with you.
Did you take my No.
Oh, uh, is this your tape recorder? It was jammed under the seat of your plane.
Oh, it's Fleischman's.
The patient is a male Caucasian, complaining of painful suppurating lesions on the left buttock and in the perianal area, period.
He's had furuncles in the area previously, and was studied thoroughly for diabetes and other systematic problems that might contribute to the infections, period.
Uh, no underlying diathesis was discovered, period.
The treatment will be complicated because the patient has developed an allergy to penicillin, and we'll have to start with other antibiotic therapy- probably Vancomycin, period.
Plan routine blood count, repeat blood sugar and urinalysis for completeness sake, comma, sitz bath T.
I.
D.
, comma, culture material from lesion for type of organism and sensitivity, period.
Will defer Vancomycin therapy until bacterium- Okay, these are our Schedule " C" adjustments, the total and the corrected tax.
Following through down to here, we pick up an additional amount for self-employment.
Now, applying all of this against last year's return, we come up with a total deficiency, plus interest, of $3,156.
39.
Now, if all that's agreeable, please sign here.
You made a mistake, Amy.
I'm sorry? In your numbers.
Well, I always check my figures twice.
Uh, not on that- in the gross receipts.
You misentered December.
I did.
Mm-hmm.
Well- we're gonna have to make that adjustment.
That's 12% of 2,700.
That comes out to an additional $1,026, plus interest.
Okay.
Please sign there.
Okay.
Now, this is your copy.
Thank you.
And if you have any questions on future returns, please don't hesitate to call our field office for any kind of assistance.
Good-bye, Ruth-Anne.
Good-bye.
To the Cicely Marmots! Whoo-hoo! I know when you wade through that river tomorrow, you're gonna make us proud.
So here's to taut lines and full creels! - Yeah! Those Nipnuk Whales are gonna swim home with their tails between their legs! Yeah! Go Marmots! Marmots! Go, Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots, go Marmots.
He beat me, Chris.
He beat me on a level playin' field.
Lester? Yeah.
I had him in my sights, and all of a sudden he was right on my tail.
Well, that's pretty big of you, Maurice, you know? I mean, admittin' to defeat to a- a man you consider inherently inferior.
Hello? - Fleischman? - O'Connell? Yeah, hi, it's me.
What's up? Well, I- I was just calling to see how you are, I guess, you know.
How I am? Yeah.
Where are you? I hear something pounding or something.
Oh.
It's, uh- Just must be the connection.
So, um, how's the survey going? Oh, okay, I guess.
I found a little gastroenteritis up here.
There seems to be a bug in the water.
Really? Huh.
So, you gonna try some, uh, antibiotic treatment therapy? - Antibiotic therapy? - Well, yeah, you know, like, uh, Vancomycin? No.
Vancomycin is for gram-positive organisms.
Enteric disease is usually caused by gram-negative.
Really? I thought I'd go with tetracycline and, uh, some symptomatic therapy- you know, like Kaopectate.
- Hmm.
- Hey, why are you so interested in this all of a sudden? Well, it's interesting sort of.
We need to address the fundamental problem of the water supply.
That seems to be the big problem.
You know, there there's a nonspecific dysentery now, and unless we clean up the water we could be in for something a lot more serious.
Uh-huh.
I mean, there- there's all kinds of giardia and sparganosis, amebiasis.
Who knows? Who knows! What? I said,you're right.
Who knows?