Parks and Recreation s05e05 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey.
Am I interrupting something important? Impossible.
I work for the government.
I just picked up the girls, thought we'd stop by.
How are the girls-- Yes, they are.
Hello, girls.
Diane and I have been seeing a lot of each other, recently.
She is a sharp, confident, strong woman.
Her children are loud.
Kung fu! Here comes trouble! This is fun.
Easy, girls.
We'll be careful, Miss Lewis.
Ow! I'm sorry.
I've got it.
We just wanted to invite you to come trick or treating tonight.
I think I'm a little old.
Can we go, Ron, please? - Please? - You can come, sure.
We have to go by 7:00 or else the good candy will be gone.
Sounds perfect.
Come on, girls.
Bye, guys! See you later, Ron! See you tonight! What the hell just happened? So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard.
But no trampoline room, correct? Correct.
Like all houses in the world, - there's no trampoline room.
- Mm.
Ben is coming back from D.
C.
in ten days and he we are moving into a house together.
He would move into my place, but it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest.
His words.
And Ann's.
And the official report filed by the Health Department.
I'm just so happy that Ben and I are starting our life together and my future's finally back on track.
Martha, I wanna lease this house.
Great.
Thought it was gonna be more dramatic than that.
Hold on.
Okay, say it again.
Martha, I wanna lease this house.
Whoo! Parks Department! Chris Traeger, city manager, friend, aspiring life coach and recipient of Dr.
Richard Nygard's award for Most Improved Patient for my psychotherapy sessions.
Wow, that's great, Chris.
Congrats.
Thanks, Jerry.
It's just a piece of paper and he only made it for me after I specifically asked for it while crying loudly, but It sure meant a lot to receive it.
In honor of Halloween, the city manager's office will be throwing a scary movie night in the courtyard.
Tonight's film is the 1986 horror camp classic, - - Murder At Blood Lake.
Seriously? That's the best one! I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch.
I am coming dressed as my greatest fear, because Dr.
Richard Nygard feels that I should face my fears instead of running from them.
He's very wise.
I see him five times a week.
He holds my life in his hand like a fragile little bird.
See you tonight! Well, Congressman Murray has an 18 point lead.
Calloway is out of money and has stopped campaigning.
So, congratulations! - Great work, all of you! - Yeah.
- But especially me! - Especially everyone.
This was a team effort, really.
But I was the best.
Thank you.
You were all fantastic.
Most of all me, April Ludgate, the real hero.
Thank you and you're welcome.
Actually, April, if you want, you can head back to Pawnee early.
- Wrap a few things up and-- - Great.
Whoo! That's an exit.
Gone, but never forgotten.
Who was that? I'm just kidding.
Not bad, right? You know, I have to say, Murray really came through-- Yeah, yeah, this one's over.
We won.
Great job.
Blah blah blah.
Let's talk about what you're gonna do next.
Oh, well, I was gonna get a chicken parm - and watch Bladerunner.
- Mm.
Oh, are you talking about, like, job-wise? Yes, Ben, I am talking about, like, job-wise.
So you're a princess too, hey? Oh, for the last four years everything has been princesses.
Every book, every movie, every backpack.
All princesses all the time.
- Oh, that sounds fun.
- It's a nightmare.
Excuse me, I just have to file a quick report.
I'm applying to the police academy soon and the manual says I have to work on my observation skills soTree, leaves, night, sky, hand.
Andy's hand.
Pfft.
What else you got? Oh, no.
Vice principal emergency.
- What is it? - I have to leave.
Some idiot kids were caught pooping on the soccer field? Oh, too bad.
Guess trick or treating's over.
- No, Mommy, no! - I'm sorry.
No, we can walk 'em around, it's no problem.
I mean, we just got started.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Now, ladies, Princess Mommy has to go take care of some bad guys, so you be nice to Ron and Andy, okay? Okay, let's go to the next house.
I need to go to the bathroom.
I-I have no idea what to do about that.
Uh-oh.
It's the death canoe.
Get your foot out the water, dumb-ass! It's blood lake.
Now, I missed the first three Death Canoe films.
Why exactly is it a death canoe? - Does it tip over easily? - Read my Twitter feed.
I live tweeted the first three this morning in preparation.
In the fifth one, the canoe's actually the hero.
It's a crazy twist.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You're the, uh-- - The lady and you're the-- - USA! - Cool.
Great.
So hold on, what does this mean? It means Jen wants me to keep working for her.
There's a businessman in Florida who wants to run for governor.
Florida? They have sharks in Florida.
And swamps.
And swamp sharks.
Do you mean alligators? Maybe.
Look, so are you gonna do it? I--I mean, I just applied for a lease.
- We were supposed to-- - I know, and I know this makes the future a little murky, but right now everything's really preliminary, okay? We'll know more in a week or so.
Trick or treat! Man dressed as a nerd.
Female dressed as crazy witch.
Neither of us is in costume.
Case closed.
Candy, please.
Ron, Zoe broke my tiara! We both have the same tiara.
Now she has one and I don't.
- Okay.
- I didn't mean to, Ivy! Okay, well, let's just even things out.
There.
Now neither of you has a tiara.
Problem solved.
- Oh! - Right in his face! "Sorry about your jaw, son.
" I mean, I just feel so powerless.
Just when things start to turn around and they fall apart.
Now I know exactly how FDR felt after Pearl Harbor.
Look, you guys have survived this long.
Please don't let this ruin your night.
Let's have fun.
It's Halloween.
You love Halloween.
Hey, I know what would cheer you up.
Let's go wait outside the bathroom for Tom and scare him.
That would cheer me up.
Okay.
Ready and Boo! Jerry, God.
Gross.
Oh Jerry? Guys, I-- Oh, God, I think he might be having a heart attack.
What? Are you serious? Ugh.
So much stuff is happening right now.
- Okay, call 911.
- Okay.
Just breathe, okay? You're gonna be fine.
Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart? Jerry, get a grip.
Sorry, guys.
Ugh! Apology not accepted.
Stop talking, moron.
I wish I could stop smelling.
Dude.
Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch? Tom! Jerry's having a heart attack.
Oh, no, I didn't know that.
Jerry, you okay? Okay, I've got some magazines and those boring word jumbles you like to do.
Is there anything else you need, J? Maybe some Gas-X? Ha ha, Tom.
How is he, Ann? Give it to me straight.
He's great.
He should be out of here in a day or two.
Doctor, medically speaking, how would you describe what happened to Jerry? He had a mild heart attack.
Yeah, but he also exhibited excessive flatulence.
Is there a term for having a heart attack while releasing so much gas? Not really.
Gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event.
I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack.
Is that too much to ask? Thank you so much.
Look at all the balloons and the flowers and the food and-- my goodness, you're so sweet to come visit this often.
- Well, they did cause it.
- Hey.
No.
That's okay.
I'm glad this happened.
I mean, I could do without the mess of hospital bills, but no, this was a wakeup call.
I'm gonna make some changes.
I want at least another 30 years with Gayle and my girls.
Don't worry, Jerry, okay? You are gonna have the future that you've always planned.
Just leave it to us.
Okay, so I have arranged for the Parks Department to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills.
The Pawnee municipal employee health care plan is kinda crappy.
One time I sprained my wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.
Babe, how much should I sell this hat for? I don't know, eight cents? Honey, this is the hat I was wearing the first time I ever heard Vitalogy by Pearl Jam.
Oh, $900.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Ron, you're not selling anything? I am selling this table.
I made it.
So when am I gonna meet your new lover? I'm afraid things have hit a rough patch with Diane.
She was not pleased with my babysitting performance and left me a very loud message on my cell phone.
I'm sure she'll get over it if you just say you're sorry though.
I like Diane, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a whole family.
If the kids ever wanted to come to my place, I'd have to take a whole week off work just to undo the alarms and tripwires.
Hey, that's my name.
Yeah, that's my Chris Traeger box.
All these boxes represent stuff from different eras of ex-boyfriends.
OhHere are those ankle weights I bought you that you liked so much.
Recently Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person's personality.
The evidence is fairly damning.
Chris Traeger-- exercise phase.
Andy Dwyer-- my grunge phase.
Tom Haverford-- my needless shopping phase.
Also my credit card debt phase.
Ann Perkins.
Thank you so much for coming.
Good afternoon.
As many of your know, Jerry Gergich, our friend, has suffered a devastating fart attack, and we are here to help.
So there are some special auction items I will be dealing with.
The first item up for bid is an inscribed autobiography from Pawnee newscaster Perd Hapley.
The book's entitled The Thing About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley.
Anyway, let's start the bidding at $20.
$20.
Thank you sir, for 20.
Do I see 30? Mr.
Kurtzwilder, it might be helpful if you told us why you want to be governor of Florida.
Well, I guess you could say mine is the classic Florida success story.
I went to SFU law school, I was working at a small firm in Orlando, and one day, bam, just like that, gator eats penis.
Excuse me? Well, that was my first high profile case.
It was a classic Florida divorce.
Guy cheats on his wife with Dan Marino's masseuse, one day she cuts his junk off, throws it in the Everglades.
- Why not? - Damn alligator ate it.
And that case, that case made my career.
Now, I just wanna give something back.
Frankly, your path to victory is narrow.
Governor Scott might be vulnerable, but you have very little name recognition.
But the Barkley Group is the best at what we do.
We're not in the business of losing elections.
We can get you where you wanna go.
I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those Death Canoe tweets.
Also, not safe for work.
You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.
That movie's 25 years old, Morris.
And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.
What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
I'm live tweeting this dumb-ass conversation.
- You like that coat? - Yeah.
But $200? It's used.
I paid 150 for it, then added the scorpion.
You can't sell clothes at a tag sale for more than they're worth.
Um, watch me.
Got a minute? Sure.
I-I didn't expect to see you after theyelling that occurred.
Yeah, I was a bit stressed, but I'm not here to make excuses.
I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the way I reacted.
Apology accepted.
Do you wanna say anything to me? Oh.
Yes.
You look nice today.
You broke my daughter's tiara.
You ruined their Halloween.
Don't you feel a little bit bad about that? - Okay-- - Um.
Too late.
Good-bye.
Dude, you're totally blowing this.
I'm not gonna apologize.
It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake.
Oh, well, relationship over.
Too bad.
Oh, my God, you are so sad.
- I am not.
- Ron, she's right.
I've trained extensively in the art of observation.
You are sad, and we know why.
You didn't sell you table.
And it's probably a little too expensive.
Shh.
No.
Okay, this is our final auction item.
It's a one-of-a-kind autograph from mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus.
Yeah, we need some big bids-- Oh, excuse me one second.
Um, can you--t--just--okay.
Hey, how was the meeting? Kurtzwilder wants me to run his campaign from Florida.
I'm not exactly sure when the job would even starts, but it would probably mean putting our plans on hold.
Well, I mean, you know, obviously you gotta take it, right? No, I mean, I'm not making any decisions until we talk about this and everything it would mean.
Look, I'm flying back to Washington.
I'll call you when I get there.
Okay? Yeah, okay.
- Love ya.
- Love you, too.
$55.
Great.
Okay, come on, $60? $65 anybody? Hey, we're up to $60, not bad, right? Yes, Ann, bad.
You might not care about Jerry's future, but I do.
Okay? We need to do something very drastic so he can be happy, so we can all be happy.
Uh, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Don't know what you're thinking, but I'm definitely not thinking - what you're thinking.
- Good idea, Ann.
Okay, we have a new item up for bid.
A wonderful surprise item.
An evening with sexy nurse Ann Perkins.
- No.
- Yes.
Look at her, folks.
One evening with the most beautiful woman in the world.
Just dinner and dancing, nothing sexual.
Unless she's into that, but no, she's not.
Nothing fresh.
Don't even try it.
- But you never know, right? - No! No, she's not into it.
Don't try anything, but, you know, give it a shot.
Either way, it's for a good cause.
Let's raise some money.
Please, we need to do this for Jerry and his future.
This could be great, you know? Three out of four married couples have met each other at spontaneous auctions.
I don't think that's true.
- I d--well, I don't know, I-- - $100.
All right, what the hell.
Okay, we have a $100 bid for Ann Perkins.
- 200.
- 200.
Thank you so much.
most accomplished woman I know.
And check out that bod.
Can I get 3? $300.
Uh-oh.
- $600.
- 700.
- 750.
- $900.
Wow, 900 from the man with the tank top and the tattoos.
That's so great.
Let's beat that, shall we? Who wants to beat it? Anybody beat it please? I'm sorry, I'm out.
I wouldn't sell her to that guy, though.
Just one man's opinion.
Okay Sir, what would you do with your $900 date? How would you, uh, um What are you gonna do to her? I don't know.
My cousin's got a kickass mud pit in his yard.
She could watch me do belly flops then we maybe we could get some Thai food and a tank of nitrous and see what happens.
Oh, that's not as bad as I thought it would be.
I am going to bid a million dollars on myself.
Going once, going never, sold.
Ladies and gentlemen, the auction closes in five minutes.
What up, playboy? You like that jacket? It's a pretty dope cut, right? Yeah.
Can I have it, Mom? I could wear it to homecoming.
you're just gonna grow out of in a month? Forget it.
Wait, I can rent it to you.
Really? Yeah, it's part of a business I run.
High end clothes rentals for teens, tweens and everything in betweens.
That jacket is 20 bucks a week.
Done.
This is a great idea.
He grows so fast I never wanna buy him anything nice.
What's the name of your business? Rent-a-swag.
I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled.
We only raised $1,200.
Leslie, thank you.
That is amazing.
No, it stinks.
It's not even close to what you need.
With all your bills, and the inevitable follow-up problems, and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you.
I mean, you had this whole plan for your retirement and your beach house and now you're future is just a huge pile of crap.
Leslie, you can't actually plan your future.
You know, there's no guarantees in this world.
As long as the people I love are a part of my life I will be just fine.
You wanna stick around? Watch some of my stories with me? Tonight's strawberry Jell-o night! Oh, my God, your life is so depressing.
No thank you.
Never seen anyone more tortured over good news.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem ungrateful.
I just, you know, I have a lot to consider.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
Feelings and girlfriend and whatever.
The point is just yesterday you said to me, "I'm never happier than when I'm managing a campaign.
" I don't think I said that.
You didn't have to.
I watched you in Florida.
You were saying it with your heart.
Wow, you are really good at this.
Yes, I am.
I'm amazing.
But more importantly, so are you.
There aren't a lot of people that can manage a campaign.
But you, Ben Wyatt, are one of them.
So, just take tonight and just think about your future.
Hello, Diane.
I have brought you flowers.
Also chocolates.
And some grout cleaner.
I noticed you needed grout cleaner, so I brought that too.
Very romantic.
My kids are non-negotiable, Ron.
It's a package deal.
I know.
I'm sorry, Diane.
I really am.
I've been alone most of my life by choice and kids-- this is all new for me.
But I'd like to become familiar with it if you give me a chance to prove myself.
I did bring the girls something.
I thought I could teach 'em to saw.
I now realize that seems dangerous.
Well, my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have to back out.
Just wanted to look at it one more time.
You know I can't give you your deposit back.
I know.
- And there's a $300-- - All right, Martha.
I get it.
Actually, is there a way I could put down, like a-- - Hey.
- Hey.
I didn't know you were coming back here.
- Oh.
- What are you doing? Oh, my God, what are you doing? I'm thinking about my future.
I am deeply, ridiculously in love with you and above everything else, I just-- I wanna be with you forever.
So, Leslie Knope, - will-- - Wait.
Wait.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Just--I need to remember this.
- Sure.
- Gimme a second.
- Okay.
- Leslie K-- - No, no, no, no, hold on.
Just--I need another second, please.
I need to remember every little thing about how perfect my life is right now at this exact moment.
Okay.
Are you good? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm good.
Leslie Knope, - will you-- - Yes! - Marry me? - Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Great.
Trick or treat! It's November 8th.
Yes, well, these girls didn't get a chance to go trick or treating so somewhere in this house there is some candy.
Why don't you find it and we'll get right out of your hair.
All right, hold on one second.
- You having fun, ladies? - Yeah! All right, I got some, uh, calcium chews and, uh, a roll of cookie dough.
Okay, what do you say, girls? Thank you! Tremendous.
Appreciate it.