People Just Do Nothing (2014) s05e05 Episode Script
Episode Five
1 [Beats.]
Alright, phoneline number 07050 030108.
9! Get your texts and shouts in.
The reason I got your down here.
We're gonna do a birthday countdown.
Oh? - Steves? - Oh, is it now? - It's now, yeah.
- Oh, sick.
OK.
Shh, everyone, stop! OK, so, three, two, one.
[all.]
Five, four, three, two, one.
[all.]
Happy birthday, Grindah! [laughs.]
It's my birthday.
Can't believe you lot remembered, man.
You, literally, just said to do it.
- Let's go.
- [Beats.]
Every year we do a countdown on Grindah's birthday to mark the start of his infamous birthday week.
Which gives us all a chance to celebrate Grindah and do whatever he wants.
Which is blaze loads mainly, so it's sick.
I love it.
- It's my birthday-day! It's my birthday! - [Beats.]
It's his! - It's not yours! - You thought I was in a worse way And I'm hotter than a beach in Turkey [Steves.]
Are you saying "Turkey" or "Turkay"? [Grindah.]
No, "in Turkey".
The country.
[whispered.]
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
- Happy birthday! - Ah! Yay! Wait, wait.
You lot here, yeah? Happy birthday! Hi, bubby, happy birthday.
Rah, nice one.
- [producer.]
How old are you now? - [Grindah.]
How old am I? Age ain't nothing but a number, my brother.
Yeah, but you're still the same age as me and Steves, right? Everyone says I look like I'm in my early 20s, so - [producer.]
What's your actual age though? - [Grindah.]
What's my actual age? - I don't really - 33.
So? - 33, yeah, but - Shit, you're older than me.
- I look like I'm about 21, so - We're 33? - Yeah, he's 33.
- Yeah, you all are.
- I'm 32.
- You look about 40 compared to me.
Is that some sort of Xbox, PS? OK.
Well, no.
We can share it, you can play it if you want.
- It's a dish.
- Yeah, it's a lasagne dish.
- Ahh, cool.
- Read what it says on the side.
- Yummy.
- Yummy.
Ahh, thanks for that.
Thought we could have it in the new kitchen.
- [phone ringing.]
- Exactly.
Well done.
Aww! Oh, oh! [Beats singing "Happy Birthday".]
Happy birthday to you That's me.
Happy birthday to the absolute best mate in the galaxy, Grindah That's definitely me.
Happy birthday to you! Aww, and that's that voice, there's the voice at the end.
Aww, God, Beats, what a surprise.
Oi, listen, I dunno if you're up for this, - but there's a party tonight.
- Ohh, OK.
- Party for the birthday boy.
- Yeah, exactly, bit of a drive though.
Craig's uni lot are having a house party.
I saw it on Facebook.
Mmm, yeah.
No, I want it more to be about me today, mate, but thanks anyway.
Plus up until closing we'll be up in Planet Hollywood, knowing us.
- Ahh, Planet Hollywood.
- Yes! - He can't wait either.
- Oh.
[Miche.]
So, Grindah thinks he's going to Planet Hollywood for his birthday.
But I'm actually gonna surprise him and take him to this new classy place.
Somewhere a bit more grown-up.
I've checked and they still do burgers, so he'll be fine.
Get any sick presents or? - Mmm.
Sort of.
I'll talk to you in a bit.
- Alright, mate.
- Alright, sweet, bye.
- See ya later.
Bye.
[Chabuddy.]
I just basically told her, mate, "I'm done, I'm leaving you.
" Was she fuming or? No, listen, there's nothing she can do about it, mate.
I'm my own man, I do what I want.
I very much dance to the beat of my own drum.
[Chabuddy.]
Yeah, I ended it.
I ended it, definitely.
I ended it.
- [producer.]
Really? - Yeah, I ended it.
So it was on No, I ended it! [producer.]
We spoke to Carol and she said Yeah, well, she's a bloody liar, mate! OK? She lied.
I ended it.
She is the one spreading lies, man.
And that picture that she put out, that is not my dick! OK? That's Photoshop fake news.
That's not my penis.
[producer.]
OK.
I would pull it out now and show you right now, but I don't wanna be arrested.
- There we go.
- Why did you want to leave, anyway? Erm What it was, mate, erm She couldn't keep up with me.
She couldn't keep up with me sexually.
Oh, is it? And also I was just a little bit too big for her.
Oh, cos of Yeah.
Swinging, yeah.
Packing.
Packing serious heat down there.
Yeah, I'd love to have a massive cock, but - Be wasted on me, anyway.
- Yeah.
It's a big responsibility.
- [Angel.]
More presents? - [Grindah.]
Me thinks it may be clothes.
- They're really expensive.
- And I thinks it is.
- Yeah.
- [laughs.]
I love clothes! - Expensive, yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah, white.
- Sick, white jeans with rips all over it.
- Is that? That's different, innit? - Do you hate them? Huh? Nah! It's just, er - Come on, let's get them on.
- OK, I'll just - There's a rip there.
- There we go.
Wow, look at your legs.
Loving it.
Urgh! Wow.
You look like one of the guys from Love Island.
Oh, my God! Look at Daddy.
They are a little bit tight.
- So, you gonna wear them tonight, then? - Er - Maybe.
- So, you do hate them then? No, it's not that, it's just - Just still thinking about it.
- You do hate them.
- Just say if you hate them.
- Who's coming tonight? - Is it just me, you and the boys? - And Roche, yeah.
Just Roche, and then we're just coming straight back here? - Yeah, I'll wear them, yeah.
- Aww! Nah, I love them.
Thanks.
I love you.
My birthday baby.
- Jeans are quite mad, innit? - Yeah, it is.
- Where they from? They new, yeah? - Yes, they're new, Decoy.
Better than your shit jeans, anyway.
All the younger grime man are wearing them.
It's called fashion.
- Where is it? - It's just up here.
You're gonna love it.
Yeah, alright.
Just remind me again why we're not going Planet Hollywood? - Cos this place is even better.
- That's a ridiculous thing to say.
Yeah, nowhere is better than Planet Hollywood, Miche.
[Roche.]
I've actually never been to Planet Hollywood.
See, even Roche wants to go and she hates fun, usually.
Alright.
Well, wait, it's a surprise.
You might like it, a change.
Yeah [producer.]
So why do you like Planet Hollywood so much? Someone's obviously never been to Planet Hollywood before.
You idiot, it's the best restaurant in the world.
They're worldwide as well.
Yeah, yeah, I love it there and the burgers are to die for.
Where's all the memorabilia and that? You've been to Planet Hollywood before.
Come on, don't be silly.
[Beats.]
Yeah, and they've got fucking Arnie's leather jacket in a glass frame.
- It's sick, from Terminator.
- Yeah, exactly.
Do you know what you're having? What you gonna have? - I'm going to have - Burger? Good, innit? [Beats.]
There's no film stuff, this is rubbish.
- This place is shit, innit? - What? Want to have a look at the menu? - Boss, these are free, innit? - Yes, they're complimentary.
Free rolls.
All of them are free.
House salad.
Techno burger.
You're actually quite funny sometimes.
Sorry I'm late.
Carol's not coming.
No, she's banned from all my events.
I heard what happened, Chapati.
It's quite harsh of her to kick you out.
No, no, it's fine.
Let's not bore the guys with details.
Talking about the size of your private parts online is out of order.
Oh, cod.
He's got a massive cock, apparently.
- What him? - Yeah.
[Chabuddy.]
Four inches, yeah? - [producer.]
What that's how long - [Chabuddy.]
Yeah.
That's the average size in the UK.
- I think it's six - Four inches! Is the average size and that's me, hard.
- OK? - Who told you that? Ask Jeeves, I put it in Ask Jeeves.
I said what's the national average for my dick.
So, does anyone know how to delete someone else's photo on Instagram? - I can show you? - Can you? Perfect, Angel.
No, please, no.
That's enough of that now.
We've heard all about it.
And for you, sir? Can I get the steak and fries, please? Of course, and how would you like your steak cooked? - Roche? - Medium to well done, please.
Medium to well done, please.
Thanks.
And for, sir? Sir? Stop calling me sir.
Just burger and chips.
The only burger we have is on the children's menu.
What does that mean? It means it's a small portion for a child.
What's wrong with you people? OK, then, then I want two portions, how about that, yeah? Two chips, two burgers, and one roll.
Cos for the life of me I don't need anymore bread on this table.
- Don't be a grumpy moo.
- I'm not, I just don't wanna be here.
Oh, come on.
[producer.]
Is it weird that you're 33? It's not weird that I'm 33, no.
Why would it be weird? Like no one else has been 33 in the world? [producer.]
But you're approaching 40.
I'm not nearly 40, I'm nearly 30.
Let's round it up.
I'm nearly 30, how about that? - Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.
So, yeah, cool.
Thank you.
There you go, look at that? What the hell's this sauce? I don't want that sauce.
- Ketchup all over it.
- I'll have the ketchup.
Yeah, scrap it onto there.
Perfect.
It's a good fucking steak, to be honest.
How about you, Kev? You enjoying it? Yeah.
I, sort of, just wish I'd got a couple of burgers as well, now.
- Stick with the classics, mate.
- [Miche clinks her glass.]
OK, so, thank you, everyone, for coming along tonight.
I've actually got one final gift for my lovely hubby.
- What is it? - I've written you a poem.
A poem? It's not really a gift but go on.
OK, so, it's called 33 special things I love about you.
So, it's one thing for every year you've been on the earth.
- Yeah, I know - Cos you're 33 years old today.
[Roche.]
Wow, yeah.
33! Wow, I'll always be younger than you.
It's not a big deal.
You look good for someone in their mid-30s.
I'm not in my mid-30s, I've just started 30.
OK, ready? So, number one, I love you, hun.
[Roche.]
Aah! Number two, I love you just because you are you.
[Miche.]
Grindah's a very passionate, emotional man.
He's very in touch with his emotions.
So I've written him a birthday poem cos he's written so many songs for me.
Number 26, I love how in the mornings you eat your Weetabix.
Cos "This One" is basically about me being the one for him.
And "Get Out The Way", that's like when he finds me annoying and wants me to go away.
- [producer.]
Are they about you? - Yeah.
I'm, basically, his muse.
Number 32, I love you cos you are you.
- Is that the same as 22? - I dunno.
I tuned out ages ago.
Finally, it's the big one, number 33.
I love how talented you are musically! [reluctant cheers.]
That was really good.
- Really long but - Next year it'll be even longer.
Boss, could we get another bottle of the pink wine? I've just come off my tag and I'm looking to get fully fucked and that.
- No problem.
- Yeah, boss, make that two, actually.
I'm finna get fucked tonight as well.
- Yes! - Are you enjoying the rosé? It's really, yeah.
It's so lovely all being sophisticated together, innit? Yeah I was thinking afterwards we could go back to ours and get some old photos of Grindah was he was all cute and chubby - when we first started seeing each other.
- I just remembered, we've got plans later.
I've planned a whole fun evening.
Yeah, that sounds well fun but we're going to a party, ain't we, boys? Are we going to a party? - I thought you said you didn't want to go? - We should definitely go.
- Can I come? - Of course, you're on the list.
Yes! Here's to that.
Aww, I bet Craig will be really excited to see his dad and all his mates turn up.
Can we come then? Yeah, at first I was, like, "Yeah, it'd be sick if they come.
" Then I thought, Roche will just ruin the vibe and you've got to look after Angel, so I hope you're grateful for all the times you've stopped Mummy from having fun.
Oh, Chabsie! That's what I'm talking about.
- Right, shall we? - Shall we shoot off? - Thanks so much.
- Let's go.
- See you later, mate.
- Come along.
You lot coming with us? - Bye, Miche.
- See you later, mate.
Michelle, before I go, I just want to tell a message to your mother, yeah? She did me.
She did me dirty.
- [burps.]
She knows it.
- Alright.
- Say hello to Craig for me.
- Yeah.
Glad we're out of that fucking shithole, proper birthday tings now.
- Yeah, fuck that place.
- Fucking hell, actually.
Might be a bit intense going there with these jeans on.
Nah, they'll love that.
Kids love all that shit.
- Oi, Stevie? Can you be my wingman? - Yes.
- What with girls? - No, for getting fucked! Yes! That I can do.
Come on! [Steves.]
I've always enjoyed getting fucked, yeah.
It's one of those things that I'm naturally really good at.
Down it, down it, down it.
When I was, sort of, 13, 14, I realised that you could pick up cans of Special Brew off the floor.
If you look they're actually everywhere.
You can find Special Brew and K ciders.
You want to save yourself a bit of money, you can just down them.
Cos crackheads always leave a little bit at the bottom.
It's my birthday! Let's party.
[waiter sings "Happy Birthday".]
Happy birthday - Oh, no, cos he's actually - To you! Happy birthday to you I love this bit, they don't know what your name is.
- Happy birthday dear - [all.]
Miche - OK.
- Happy birthday to you - [applause.]
- Oh, erm Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- I forgot about this bit.
- I know.
There you go.
Enjoy.
That's a big slice.
- My big 33rd.
- Yeah.
- Happy 33rd birthday, Miche.
- God, I'm not that old yet.
God's sake.
[Grindah.]
So this is uni, yeah? Is it weird your dad turning up to your house party? - Nah, you're not his real dad, anyway.
- Fair point.
Oh, Stevie! I want to try coke tonight.
You know, like, it looks really cool in the movies.
- Bruv, let's get on it.
- Come on! Boys, this way.
This way.
Taking you to the university of getting fucked.
- Kurupt FM are in the building.
- Exactly.
Which way is it? [producer.]
Do you think it's weird, like, a bunch of 30 year olds hanging out with 18 year olds? Not at all, not when you look 21.
Yeah, not all, cos we don't look our age.
Ahh, K block.
That's what we're gonna be doing later.
[Beats.]
Yeah, and also you're allowed a stage age as well.
- Which is 24, my one.
- Yeah, mine's 25.
Do I get a stage age? Yeah, you're stage age is about 14, I'd say.
- Easy.
- You alright? - You alright, yeah? Oh, OK.
- It's in here.
Sick.
Here we bloody go.
Party! [music plays in background.]
- Oh, man! - Yeah.
[laughter.]
Party! Proper birthday vibes.
Yeah, you know it.
- See how the croft boys get down.
- Exactly.
Do any you lot know Craig? Right, I'm gonna go find Craig, yeah.
See you lot in a bit.
The birthday boy's in town, yeah? Chabsie, we're gonna have to go find the drugs room, mate.
- Drugs room? - Yeah, every party's got a drugs room.
[excited laugh.]
Let's do it.
Music's a bit shit in here, innit? Can't wait to see Craig.
This his room.
I can hear the Call of Duty.
[strains.]
Craig Oh, what? You lot seen Craig? Like, er, smoky eyes? Quite fat but it suits him? - He went out to get Red Bull.
- Calm.
Calm.
Calm, G.
Stevie, find it.
Like a sniffer dog, isn't it? - Do you lot know where the drugs room is? - No, sorry.
Coke? You lot got any coke? - Next floor, next floor.
- Next floor, come on! Where's Decoy? Decoy! [Grindah.]
How old's too old to go to a house party? Well, as long as you keep looking youthful, like me, and you blaze and you dress right, then you're never too old for a house party.
[laughing.]
What you lot laughing about? I'll always be going to house parties, hanging out with young people, even when I'm old man.
[producer.]
You'll hang out with kids when you're an old man? Not kids.
Younger people.
Cheers, it's my birthday today.
23 years old.
Don't leave me on my own like that.
- Why, what's up? - Everyone's staring at me.
- I think they recognise me.
- Yeah, probably.
- Panorama.
- Wow! Can I eat it instead? Just because I've got a very hairy nose.
It might get stuck in my nostrils.
Proper dense hair, yeah.
Yeah, just put it and then just Nah, nah, nah.
Shall I? Rub it in the top there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
- Sick.
- Let me try more.
- Take your time, obviously.
Craig, it's Kevin, your dad.
Erm I'm at the uni.
If you could pick up, it's quite important.
Cos I'm outside K block.
Yeah.
- Steves? - Yes, mate? - I can't feel anything.
- Can't feel anything? - Have a little bit more.
- No, no, my mouth is - completely numb.
- Oh, sick, well, my advice would be still have a little bit more just cos in these situations it's the best rule of thumb.
This is the guru right here, it's the king.
Smells good, boys.
Is that a bit of skunk, is it? How long you lot been blazing for? Craig! What you doing here? Oh, so good to see you, man.
- You brought everyone? - Yeah.
Look who I found.
- Hey, man.
How you doing? - It's Craig! - Just chilling with some of your lot.
- You alright? - How'd you know this was happening? - I'm still logged into your Facebook.
- This is proper fucking weird.
- How's it weird? - You're old, look at you.
- I'm not old.
- I look exactly the same - Look how old you are.
- We look the same age, Craig.
- No, we don't.
OK, then, excuse me? - Who looks older out of me and him? - You.
Obviously.
Well, you lot already know him so that's cheating.
- Let's go back in.
- Yeah, let's go back.
- Do you want to see Craig's room? - Nah, nah, nah.
- It's amazing.
- You're not going in my room.
Go home.
He's got the telly from the living room but proper close to the bed.
Stevie, you're just a free spirit, mate.
You just do what you want to do, when you want to do That's how I see you, bruv.
That's what I'm saying.
Stevie, man.
Come on, man.
I love You're a top geezer, you know that? - Is your heart supposed - Look at him.
He's fucked.
- It's his first time.
- It's making me gag a little bit.
[gagging sound.]
[Miche.]
Here we are, then, home already, great.
What we gonna do now, then? Cos all my festivities have been ruined.
Cos I've got to look after you.
So, what d'you wanna do? Go to bed.
No, don't wanna go to bed, I've eaten too much, Let's do some packing.
Might as well use this boring time for something useful.
- I'm tired.
- Well, Daddy said he wants that packed up.
[Miche.]
Wherever Grindah goes he'll make it, of course.
He's amazing, he's one in a million.
He's a talented soul, but it takes time for everyone else to realise his talent.
People didn't realise that Jesus was so talented until so many years later and it's the same with Grindah.
We might have to wait another 2,000 years for the world to understand him.
The music's still a little bit jarring, man, innit? Yeah, the music's fucking utter shit, isn't it? Does the music play through that onto there? - Yeah.
- So, I can put whatever I want on there? It's all yours, mate.
- I got an idea.
- What? Play the fucking video.
- World premiere, mate.
- World premiere.
Yeah, you ready? They think I'm old, yeah? Show them some real fucking music.
You know Craig? He can do the splits, yeah.
He's my son.
Yeah.
[Craig.]
No, that's my mum's boyfriend.
Have you used any of them mint condoms yet? What? He's a free spirit, he's taken his top off.
- He doesn't care about society.
- Fuck the government.
You're sick cos other businessmen all got fucking all the suits and that on.
- I don't fucking care.
- You've got your own style.
- OK.
- Ready, yeah? Check this out, Craig, you're gonna love this.
OK, everyone, this is an official Kurupt FM announcement.
Who likes garage music? [girl.]
No one.
Keep talking.
OK, you're very lucky tonight.
- Is it world premiere? - Yes.
World premiere of "Hospital Riddim".
- Let's go! - Run da riddim.
- ["Hospital Riddim" plays.]
- Sorry, need a bit of space here.
See if they can fucking try and say I'm old after this.
Are you getting that? - Stay patient! - Just waiting for the drop.
[Grindah.]
I feel like we probably needed the years of these weird freaks with long hair playing the guitar to finally realise that, like, spitting the sickest bars over UKG beats dressed in Nike caps, Air Max trainers is the absolute highest level of music possible.
- [rapping "Hospital Riddim".]
- Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw - Catchy, innit? - Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw Think they're Yeah.
Er No worries.
Everyone, if I could just get you to please watch the video.
[Grindah.]
All these young kids ain't got a fucking clue.
The way I see it you can't really beat my generation's music.
[producer.]
Doesn't every generation say that? Nah, but they're wrong.
We finally got it right.
Hello.
Look over there? You people in the back, look, there's a music video.
World premiere.
You can't look through your back, can ya? Hey, that's me! I made this, I made this with a camera.
Look, look, look! I'm as young as any of you lot in here.
Yeah! And I know about real music.
Still quite a lot left.
Why not, it's my birthday? So might as well just have a little Mmm.
Treat myself.
Cake.
Mmm.
It's gonna be mad saying bye to this place.
I'll miss it.
Have a bit more cake.
[producer.]
So, are you ready to move to Essex? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I think it's a bit scary but exciting at the same time.
We don't know what's gonna happen but maybe that's a good thing.
We don't want to get bored of each other and this life - so maybe it's good to try something new.
- Yeah.
And get even more happy than we already are.
Hopefully.
They literally ain't got a fucking clue, like.
- Where you going? - What you doing here? You fucking idiot.
Beats, turn it off.
Turn it off.
I don't want to hear it anymore.
[Steves.]
Craig! Craig! I could put you in a music video, yeah? Any music video you want, I can make you a star.
I've already got 17 views and it's only been up two days.
[producer.]
Are you ready to move on? Yeah.
What do you think? - It is what it is.
- It is what it is, yeah.
Dug our graves, now it's time to lie in them.
Yeah.
[Grindah sighs.]
Swear house parties used to be much more fun than this.
Do you remember when we used to jump into hedges? Yeah, classic.
I think Brentford will miss us a lot, yeah.
Brentford doesn't really have people like me.
Real MC's.
Everyone else has left and got jobs and that.
I stayed dedicated to the cause and I will always be remembered for that.
Fucking pointless, bruv.
We've been doing this for, like, 15 years.
I'm 33 years old, like.
I thought I'd be on my second world tour by now.
Music game's just dumbed down.
Maybe our music's just, like, too clever? Yeah, too advanced for them.
Yeah It's gonna be harder, like, you living in Essex and that.
Yeah, I know.
To be honest, like, I'm just getting mad emotional.
- Haven't been sleeping properly and that.
- Is it? Guess that's it, then.
Today's the day that Beats and Grindah officially quit the music game.
- What, do I have to quit as well? - Yes.
- OK.
- [Grindah sighs.]
Oi, you lot see Chabsie? Steves.
Me and Grindah's quit the music game.
What? - We quit.
- That's quite intense.
Though, I still might release some of my solo shit few years down the line.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You shouldn't, like, give up permanently.
Nah, but you should, though.
Yeah.
Maybe it's been you lot holding me back all this time? Huh? Nothing, Steve, mate.
Nothing.
- You must be freezing.
- Stevie! - Chabsie.
- Where's that geezer we were chatting to? - Has he got my top? - Yeah.
Where's your top gone? That's what I'm saying, we need to find the geezer.
Hey, let's find your top.
Let's find your top.
- Why are you soaking wet? - I dunno.
- I'm wearing a vest.
- You look sick, bruv.
Like a Bollywood star.
- Craig! - What, is he going to do the splits? [all chanting.]
Craig! Craig! Craig! Craig! [cheering.]
[door opening.]
Shh, keep it down you lot, yeah.
Might as well help out, innit? Family.
Nothing more important.
Apart from your mates and that, obviously.
- Decoy! - Dickey! Craig? Craig? - Where's Beats? - Craigy? Ahh, mate, he's fucking got his arse out and that.
- Pull it up, man, cos that's - Magaluf 2k15.
Where's Beats, bruv? Where's your father? Where's your father? - What? - How's your father? - Where's Beats, bruv? - I'm trying to sleep.
[glass clinking.]
We need to go, bruv.
We need to find Decoy and that.
Wedding day.
What a day.
The champions.
Never get a firm like that again.
Cream of the crop shit.
I don't mind endings.
There is no end.
Yeah.
Or all good things have to come to an end as well.
- Really, like - Not really.
Not really.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - That's a stupid saying.
All good things come to an end because All good things come to an end but also time is limitless.
[Steves.]
Every ending is a beginning.
[Beats.]
Exactly.
And every beginning is an end No, actually, that doesn't work at all.
Alright, phoneline number 07050 030108.
9! Get your texts and shouts in.
The reason I got your down here.
We're gonna do a birthday countdown.
Oh? - Steves? - Oh, is it now? - It's now, yeah.
- Oh, sick.
OK.
Shh, everyone, stop! OK, so, three, two, one.
[all.]
Five, four, three, two, one.
[all.]
Happy birthday, Grindah! [laughs.]
It's my birthday.
Can't believe you lot remembered, man.
You, literally, just said to do it.
- Let's go.
- [Beats.]
Every year we do a countdown on Grindah's birthday to mark the start of his infamous birthday week.
Which gives us all a chance to celebrate Grindah and do whatever he wants.
Which is blaze loads mainly, so it's sick.
I love it.
- It's my birthday-day! It's my birthday! - [Beats.]
It's his! - It's not yours! - You thought I was in a worse way And I'm hotter than a beach in Turkey [Steves.]
Are you saying "Turkey" or "Turkay"? [Grindah.]
No, "in Turkey".
The country.
[whispered.]
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
- Happy birthday! - Ah! Yay! Wait, wait.
You lot here, yeah? Happy birthday! Hi, bubby, happy birthday.
Rah, nice one.
- [producer.]
How old are you now? - [Grindah.]
How old am I? Age ain't nothing but a number, my brother.
Yeah, but you're still the same age as me and Steves, right? Everyone says I look like I'm in my early 20s, so - [producer.]
What's your actual age though? - [Grindah.]
What's my actual age? - I don't really - 33.
So? - 33, yeah, but - Shit, you're older than me.
- I look like I'm about 21, so - We're 33? - Yeah, he's 33.
- Yeah, you all are.
- I'm 32.
- You look about 40 compared to me.
Is that some sort of Xbox, PS? OK.
Well, no.
We can share it, you can play it if you want.
- It's a dish.
- Yeah, it's a lasagne dish.
- Ahh, cool.
- Read what it says on the side.
- Yummy.
- Yummy.
Ahh, thanks for that.
Thought we could have it in the new kitchen.
- [phone ringing.]
- Exactly.
Well done.
Aww! Oh, oh! [Beats singing "Happy Birthday".]
Happy birthday to you That's me.
Happy birthday to the absolute best mate in the galaxy, Grindah That's definitely me.
Happy birthday to you! Aww, and that's that voice, there's the voice at the end.
Aww, God, Beats, what a surprise.
Oi, listen, I dunno if you're up for this, - but there's a party tonight.
- Ohh, OK.
- Party for the birthday boy.
- Yeah, exactly, bit of a drive though.
Craig's uni lot are having a house party.
I saw it on Facebook.
Mmm, yeah.
No, I want it more to be about me today, mate, but thanks anyway.
Plus up until closing we'll be up in Planet Hollywood, knowing us.
- Ahh, Planet Hollywood.
- Yes! - He can't wait either.
- Oh.
[Miche.]
So, Grindah thinks he's going to Planet Hollywood for his birthday.
But I'm actually gonna surprise him and take him to this new classy place.
Somewhere a bit more grown-up.
I've checked and they still do burgers, so he'll be fine.
Get any sick presents or? - Mmm.
Sort of.
I'll talk to you in a bit.
- Alright, mate.
- Alright, sweet, bye.
- See ya later.
Bye.
[Chabuddy.]
I just basically told her, mate, "I'm done, I'm leaving you.
" Was she fuming or? No, listen, there's nothing she can do about it, mate.
I'm my own man, I do what I want.
I very much dance to the beat of my own drum.
[Chabuddy.]
Yeah, I ended it.
I ended it, definitely.
I ended it.
- [producer.]
Really? - Yeah, I ended it.
So it was on No, I ended it! [producer.]
We spoke to Carol and she said Yeah, well, she's a bloody liar, mate! OK? She lied.
I ended it.
She is the one spreading lies, man.
And that picture that she put out, that is not my dick! OK? That's Photoshop fake news.
That's not my penis.
[producer.]
OK.
I would pull it out now and show you right now, but I don't wanna be arrested.
- There we go.
- Why did you want to leave, anyway? Erm What it was, mate, erm She couldn't keep up with me.
She couldn't keep up with me sexually.
Oh, is it? And also I was just a little bit too big for her.
Oh, cos of Yeah.
Swinging, yeah.
Packing.
Packing serious heat down there.
Yeah, I'd love to have a massive cock, but - Be wasted on me, anyway.
- Yeah.
It's a big responsibility.
- [Angel.]
More presents? - [Grindah.]
Me thinks it may be clothes.
- They're really expensive.
- And I thinks it is.
- Yeah.
- [laughs.]
I love clothes! - Expensive, yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah, white.
- Sick, white jeans with rips all over it.
- Is that? That's different, innit? - Do you hate them? Huh? Nah! It's just, er - Come on, let's get them on.
- OK, I'll just - There's a rip there.
- There we go.
Wow, look at your legs.
Loving it.
Urgh! Wow.
You look like one of the guys from Love Island.
Oh, my God! Look at Daddy.
They are a little bit tight.
- So, you gonna wear them tonight, then? - Er - Maybe.
- So, you do hate them then? No, it's not that, it's just - Just still thinking about it.
- You do hate them.
- Just say if you hate them.
- Who's coming tonight? - Is it just me, you and the boys? - And Roche, yeah.
Just Roche, and then we're just coming straight back here? - Yeah, I'll wear them, yeah.
- Aww! Nah, I love them.
Thanks.
I love you.
My birthday baby.
- Jeans are quite mad, innit? - Yeah, it is.
- Where they from? They new, yeah? - Yes, they're new, Decoy.
Better than your shit jeans, anyway.
All the younger grime man are wearing them.
It's called fashion.
- Where is it? - It's just up here.
You're gonna love it.
Yeah, alright.
Just remind me again why we're not going Planet Hollywood? - Cos this place is even better.
- That's a ridiculous thing to say.
Yeah, nowhere is better than Planet Hollywood, Miche.
[Roche.]
I've actually never been to Planet Hollywood.
See, even Roche wants to go and she hates fun, usually.
Alright.
Well, wait, it's a surprise.
You might like it, a change.
Yeah [producer.]
So why do you like Planet Hollywood so much? Someone's obviously never been to Planet Hollywood before.
You idiot, it's the best restaurant in the world.
They're worldwide as well.
Yeah, yeah, I love it there and the burgers are to die for.
Where's all the memorabilia and that? You've been to Planet Hollywood before.
Come on, don't be silly.
[Beats.]
Yeah, and they've got fucking Arnie's leather jacket in a glass frame.
- It's sick, from Terminator.
- Yeah, exactly.
Do you know what you're having? What you gonna have? - I'm going to have - Burger? Good, innit? [Beats.]
There's no film stuff, this is rubbish.
- This place is shit, innit? - What? Want to have a look at the menu? - Boss, these are free, innit? - Yes, they're complimentary.
Free rolls.
All of them are free.
House salad.
Techno burger.
You're actually quite funny sometimes.
Sorry I'm late.
Carol's not coming.
No, she's banned from all my events.
I heard what happened, Chapati.
It's quite harsh of her to kick you out.
No, no, it's fine.
Let's not bore the guys with details.
Talking about the size of your private parts online is out of order.
Oh, cod.
He's got a massive cock, apparently.
- What him? - Yeah.
[Chabuddy.]
Four inches, yeah? - [producer.]
What that's how long - [Chabuddy.]
Yeah.
That's the average size in the UK.
- I think it's six - Four inches! Is the average size and that's me, hard.
- OK? - Who told you that? Ask Jeeves, I put it in Ask Jeeves.
I said what's the national average for my dick.
So, does anyone know how to delete someone else's photo on Instagram? - I can show you? - Can you? Perfect, Angel.
No, please, no.
That's enough of that now.
We've heard all about it.
And for you, sir? Can I get the steak and fries, please? Of course, and how would you like your steak cooked? - Roche? - Medium to well done, please.
Medium to well done, please.
Thanks.
And for, sir? Sir? Stop calling me sir.
Just burger and chips.
The only burger we have is on the children's menu.
What does that mean? It means it's a small portion for a child.
What's wrong with you people? OK, then, then I want two portions, how about that, yeah? Two chips, two burgers, and one roll.
Cos for the life of me I don't need anymore bread on this table.
- Don't be a grumpy moo.
- I'm not, I just don't wanna be here.
Oh, come on.
[producer.]
Is it weird that you're 33? It's not weird that I'm 33, no.
Why would it be weird? Like no one else has been 33 in the world? [producer.]
But you're approaching 40.
I'm not nearly 40, I'm nearly 30.
Let's round it up.
I'm nearly 30, how about that? - Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.
So, yeah, cool.
Thank you.
There you go, look at that? What the hell's this sauce? I don't want that sauce.
- Ketchup all over it.
- I'll have the ketchup.
Yeah, scrap it onto there.
Perfect.
It's a good fucking steak, to be honest.
How about you, Kev? You enjoying it? Yeah.
I, sort of, just wish I'd got a couple of burgers as well, now.
- Stick with the classics, mate.
- [Miche clinks her glass.]
OK, so, thank you, everyone, for coming along tonight.
I've actually got one final gift for my lovely hubby.
- What is it? - I've written you a poem.
A poem? It's not really a gift but go on.
OK, so, it's called 33 special things I love about you.
So, it's one thing for every year you've been on the earth.
- Yeah, I know - Cos you're 33 years old today.
[Roche.]
Wow, yeah.
33! Wow, I'll always be younger than you.
It's not a big deal.
You look good for someone in their mid-30s.
I'm not in my mid-30s, I've just started 30.
OK, ready? So, number one, I love you, hun.
[Roche.]
Aah! Number two, I love you just because you are you.
[Miche.]
Grindah's a very passionate, emotional man.
He's very in touch with his emotions.
So I've written him a birthday poem cos he's written so many songs for me.
Number 26, I love how in the mornings you eat your Weetabix.
Cos "This One" is basically about me being the one for him.
And "Get Out The Way", that's like when he finds me annoying and wants me to go away.
- [producer.]
Are they about you? - Yeah.
I'm, basically, his muse.
Number 32, I love you cos you are you.
- Is that the same as 22? - I dunno.
I tuned out ages ago.
Finally, it's the big one, number 33.
I love how talented you are musically! [reluctant cheers.]
That was really good.
- Really long but - Next year it'll be even longer.
Boss, could we get another bottle of the pink wine? I've just come off my tag and I'm looking to get fully fucked and that.
- No problem.
- Yeah, boss, make that two, actually.
I'm finna get fucked tonight as well.
- Yes! - Are you enjoying the rosé? It's really, yeah.
It's so lovely all being sophisticated together, innit? Yeah I was thinking afterwards we could go back to ours and get some old photos of Grindah was he was all cute and chubby - when we first started seeing each other.
- I just remembered, we've got plans later.
I've planned a whole fun evening.
Yeah, that sounds well fun but we're going to a party, ain't we, boys? Are we going to a party? - I thought you said you didn't want to go? - We should definitely go.
- Can I come? - Of course, you're on the list.
Yes! Here's to that.
Aww, I bet Craig will be really excited to see his dad and all his mates turn up.
Can we come then? Yeah, at first I was, like, "Yeah, it'd be sick if they come.
" Then I thought, Roche will just ruin the vibe and you've got to look after Angel, so I hope you're grateful for all the times you've stopped Mummy from having fun.
Oh, Chabsie! That's what I'm talking about.
- Right, shall we? - Shall we shoot off? - Thanks so much.
- Let's go.
- See you later, mate.
- Come along.
You lot coming with us? - Bye, Miche.
- See you later, mate.
Michelle, before I go, I just want to tell a message to your mother, yeah? She did me.
She did me dirty.
- [burps.]
She knows it.
- Alright.
- Say hello to Craig for me.
- Yeah.
Glad we're out of that fucking shithole, proper birthday tings now.
- Yeah, fuck that place.
- Fucking hell, actually.
Might be a bit intense going there with these jeans on.
Nah, they'll love that.
Kids love all that shit.
- Oi, Stevie? Can you be my wingman? - Yes.
- What with girls? - No, for getting fucked! Yes! That I can do.
Come on! [Steves.]
I've always enjoyed getting fucked, yeah.
It's one of those things that I'm naturally really good at.
Down it, down it, down it.
When I was, sort of, 13, 14, I realised that you could pick up cans of Special Brew off the floor.
If you look they're actually everywhere.
You can find Special Brew and K ciders.
You want to save yourself a bit of money, you can just down them.
Cos crackheads always leave a little bit at the bottom.
It's my birthday! Let's party.
[waiter sings "Happy Birthday".]
Happy birthday - Oh, no, cos he's actually - To you! Happy birthday to you I love this bit, they don't know what your name is.
- Happy birthday dear - [all.]
Miche - OK.
- Happy birthday to you - [applause.]
- Oh, erm Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- I forgot about this bit.
- I know.
There you go.
Enjoy.
That's a big slice.
- My big 33rd.
- Yeah.
- Happy 33rd birthday, Miche.
- God, I'm not that old yet.
God's sake.
[Grindah.]
So this is uni, yeah? Is it weird your dad turning up to your house party? - Nah, you're not his real dad, anyway.
- Fair point.
Oh, Stevie! I want to try coke tonight.
You know, like, it looks really cool in the movies.
- Bruv, let's get on it.
- Come on! Boys, this way.
This way.
Taking you to the university of getting fucked.
- Kurupt FM are in the building.
- Exactly.
Which way is it? [producer.]
Do you think it's weird, like, a bunch of 30 year olds hanging out with 18 year olds? Not at all, not when you look 21.
Yeah, not all, cos we don't look our age.
Ahh, K block.
That's what we're gonna be doing later.
[Beats.]
Yeah, and also you're allowed a stage age as well.
- Which is 24, my one.
- Yeah, mine's 25.
Do I get a stage age? Yeah, you're stage age is about 14, I'd say.
- Easy.
- You alright? - You alright, yeah? Oh, OK.
- It's in here.
Sick.
Here we bloody go.
Party! [music plays in background.]
- Oh, man! - Yeah.
[laughter.]
Party! Proper birthday vibes.
Yeah, you know it.
- See how the croft boys get down.
- Exactly.
Do any you lot know Craig? Right, I'm gonna go find Craig, yeah.
See you lot in a bit.
The birthday boy's in town, yeah? Chabsie, we're gonna have to go find the drugs room, mate.
- Drugs room? - Yeah, every party's got a drugs room.
[excited laugh.]
Let's do it.
Music's a bit shit in here, innit? Can't wait to see Craig.
This his room.
I can hear the Call of Duty.
[strains.]
Craig Oh, what? You lot seen Craig? Like, er, smoky eyes? Quite fat but it suits him? - He went out to get Red Bull.
- Calm.
Calm.
Calm, G.
Stevie, find it.
Like a sniffer dog, isn't it? - Do you lot know where the drugs room is? - No, sorry.
Coke? You lot got any coke? - Next floor, next floor.
- Next floor, come on! Where's Decoy? Decoy! [Grindah.]
How old's too old to go to a house party? Well, as long as you keep looking youthful, like me, and you blaze and you dress right, then you're never too old for a house party.
[laughing.]
What you lot laughing about? I'll always be going to house parties, hanging out with young people, even when I'm old man.
[producer.]
You'll hang out with kids when you're an old man? Not kids.
Younger people.
Cheers, it's my birthday today.
23 years old.
Don't leave me on my own like that.
- Why, what's up? - Everyone's staring at me.
- I think they recognise me.
- Yeah, probably.
- Panorama.
- Wow! Can I eat it instead? Just because I've got a very hairy nose.
It might get stuck in my nostrils.
Proper dense hair, yeah.
Yeah, just put it and then just Nah, nah, nah.
Shall I? Rub it in the top there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
- Sick.
- Let me try more.
- Take your time, obviously.
Craig, it's Kevin, your dad.
Erm I'm at the uni.
If you could pick up, it's quite important.
Cos I'm outside K block.
Yeah.
- Steves? - Yes, mate? - I can't feel anything.
- Can't feel anything? - Have a little bit more.
- No, no, my mouth is - completely numb.
- Oh, sick, well, my advice would be still have a little bit more just cos in these situations it's the best rule of thumb.
This is the guru right here, it's the king.
Smells good, boys.
Is that a bit of skunk, is it? How long you lot been blazing for? Craig! What you doing here? Oh, so good to see you, man.
- You brought everyone? - Yeah.
Look who I found.
- Hey, man.
How you doing? - It's Craig! - Just chilling with some of your lot.
- You alright? - How'd you know this was happening? - I'm still logged into your Facebook.
- This is proper fucking weird.
- How's it weird? - You're old, look at you.
- I'm not old.
- I look exactly the same - Look how old you are.
- We look the same age, Craig.
- No, we don't.
OK, then, excuse me? - Who looks older out of me and him? - You.
Obviously.
Well, you lot already know him so that's cheating.
- Let's go back in.
- Yeah, let's go back.
- Do you want to see Craig's room? - Nah, nah, nah.
- It's amazing.
- You're not going in my room.
Go home.
He's got the telly from the living room but proper close to the bed.
Stevie, you're just a free spirit, mate.
You just do what you want to do, when you want to do That's how I see you, bruv.
That's what I'm saying.
Stevie, man.
Come on, man.
I love You're a top geezer, you know that? - Is your heart supposed - Look at him.
He's fucked.
- It's his first time.
- It's making me gag a little bit.
[gagging sound.]
[Miche.]
Here we are, then, home already, great.
What we gonna do now, then? Cos all my festivities have been ruined.
Cos I've got to look after you.
So, what d'you wanna do? Go to bed.
No, don't wanna go to bed, I've eaten too much, Let's do some packing.
Might as well use this boring time for something useful.
- I'm tired.
- Well, Daddy said he wants that packed up.
[Miche.]
Wherever Grindah goes he'll make it, of course.
He's amazing, he's one in a million.
He's a talented soul, but it takes time for everyone else to realise his talent.
People didn't realise that Jesus was so talented until so many years later and it's the same with Grindah.
We might have to wait another 2,000 years for the world to understand him.
The music's still a little bit jarring, man, innit? Yeah, the music's fucking utter shit, isn't it? Does the music play through that onto there? - Yeah.
- So, I can put whatever I want on there? It's all yours, mate.
- I got an idea.
- What? Play the fucking video.
- World premiere, mate.
- World premiere.
Yeah, you ready? They think I'm old, yeah? Show them some real fucking music.
You know Craig? He can do the splits, yeah.
He's my son.
Yeah.
[Craig.]
No, that's my mum's boyfriend.
Have you used any of them mint condoms yet? What? He's a free spirit, he's taken his top off.
- He doesn't care about society.
- Fuck the government.
You're sick cos other businessmen all got fucking all the suits and that on.
- I don't fucking care.
- You've got your own style.
- OK.
- Ready, yeah? Check this out, Craig, you're gonna love this.
OK, everyone, this is an official Kurupt FM announcement.
Who likes garage music? [girl.]
No one.
Keep talking.
OK, you're very lucky tonight.
- Is it world premiere? - Yes.
World premiere of "Hospital Riddim".
- Let's go! - Run da riddim.
- ["Hospital Riddim" plays.]
- Sorry, need a bit of space here.
See if they can fucking try and say I'm old after this.
Are you getting that? - Stay patient! - Just waiting for the drop.
[Grindah.]
I feel like we probably needed the years of these weird freaks with long hair playing the guitar to finally realise that, like, spitting the sickest bars over UKG beats dressed in Nike caps, Air Max trainers is the absolute highest level of music possible.
- [rapping "Hospital Riddim".]
- Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw - Catchy, innit? - Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw Think they're Yeah.
Er No worries.
Everyone, if I could just get you to please watch the video.
[Grindah.]
All these young kids ain't got a fucking clue.
The way I see it you can't really beat my generation's music.
[producer.]
Doesn't every generation say that? Nah, but they're wrong.
We finally got it right.
Hello.
Look over there? You people in the back, look, there's a music video.
World premiere.
You can't look through your back, can ya? Hey, that's me! I made this, I made this with a camera.
Look, look, look! I'm as young as any of you lot in here.
Yeah! And I know about real music.
Still quite a lot left.
Why not, it's my birthday? So might as well just have a little Mmm.
Treat myself.
Cake.
Mmm.
It's gonna be mad saying bye to this place.
I'll miss it.
Have a bit more cake.
[producer.]
So, are you ready to move to Essex? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I think it's a bit scary but exciting at the same time.
We don't know what's gonna happen but maybe that's a good thing.
We don't want to get bored of each other and this life - so maybe it's good to try something new.
- Yeah.
And get even more happy than we already are.
Hopefully.
They literally ain't got a fucking clue, like.
- Where you going? - What you doing here? You fucking idiot.
Beats, turn it off.
Turn it off.
I don't want to hear it anymore.
[Steves.]
Craig! Craig! I could put you in a music video, yeah? Any music video you want, I can make you a star.
I've already got 17 views and it's only been up two days.
[producer.]
Are you ready to move on? Yeah.
What do you think? - It is what it is.
- It is what it is, yeah.
Dug our graves, now it's time to lie in them.
Yeah.
[Grindah sighs.]
Swear house parties used to be much more fun than this.
Do you remember when we used to jump into hedges? Yeah, classic.
I think Brentford will miss us a lot, yeah.
Brentford doesn't really have people like me.
Real MC's.
Everyone else has left and got jobs and that.
I stayed dedicated to the cause and I will always be remembered for that.
Fucking pointless, bruv.
We've been doing this for, like, 15 years.
I'm 33 years old, like.
I thought I'd be on my second world tour by now.
Music game's just dumbed down.
Maybe our music's just, like, too clever? Yeah, too advanced for them.
Yeah It's gonna be harder, like, you living in Essex and that.
Yeah, I know.
To be honest, like, I'm just getting mad emotional.
- Haven't been sleeping properly and that.
- Is it? Guess that's it, then.
Today's the day that Beats and Grindah officially quit the music game.
- What, do I have to quit as well? - Yes.
- OK.
- [Grindah sighs.]
Oi, you lot see Chabsie? Steves.
Me and Grindah's quit the music game.
What? - We quit.
- That's quite intense.
Though, I still might release some of my solo shit few years down the line.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You shouldn't, like, give up permanently.
Nah, but you should, though.
Yeah.
Maybe it's been you lot holding me back all this time? Huh? Nothing, Steve, mate.
Nothing.
- You must be freezing.
- Stevie! - Chabsie.
- Where's that geezer we were chatting to? - Has he got my top? - Yeah.
Where's your top gone? That's what I'm saying, we need to find the geezer.
Hey, let's find your top.
Let's find your top.
- Why are you soaking wet? - I dunno.
- I'm wearing a vest.
- You look sick, bruv.
Like a Bollywood star.
- Craig! - What, is he going to do the splits? [all chanting.]
Craig! Craig! Craig! Craig! [cheering.]
[door opening.]
Shh, keep it down you lot, yeah.
Might as well help out, innit? Family.
Nothing more important.
Apart from your mates and that, obviously.
- Decoy! - Dickey! Craig? Craig? - Where's Beats? - Craigy? Ahh, mate, he's fucking got his arse out and that.
- Pull it up, man, cos that's - Magaluf 2k15.
Where's Beats, bruv? Where's your father? Where's your father? - What? - How's your father? - Where's Beats, bruv? - I'm trying to sleep.
[glass clinking.]
We need to go, bruv.
We need to find Decoy and that.
Wedding day.
What a day.
The champions.
Never get a firm like that again.
Cream of the crop shit.
I don't mind endings.
There is no end.
Yeah.
Or all good things have to come to an end as well.
- Really, like - Not really.
Not really.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - That's a stupid saying.
All good things come to an end because All good things come to an end but also time is limitless.
[Steves.]
Every ending is a beginning.
[Beats.]
Exactly.
And every beginning is an end No, actually, that doesn't work at all.