Plebs (2013) s05e05 Episode Script

We'd like to apply for a loan, please.
I see.
And what size loan are you looking for? 7,000 denarii, ideally.
It's for our bar, The Crown And Toga.
- We wanna do a bit of a refurb.
- Okay.
- What's the nature of the refurbishment? - Two words.
Beach bar.
Is one of the ideas we're toying with.
- Two more words: Freak show.
- Love it.
- And that's literally never been mentioned.
- Picture a carnival of weirdos.
No, don't picture that.
We're much more into the beach idea.
We're thinking cocktails, beanbags, girls in bikinis - A bearded baby, a six-legged man - Will not be there.
Even if they did exist! Well, either way, your turnover won't reconcile to forecast.
- Nope.
No idea what that means.
- You don't have any customers.
- Yes, because we need a refurb.
- Or because of poor management? Oh, just grow a pair and give us the money! - It's not as simple as that.
- Just give us the money.
Give us the money.
Give us the money! What does that bell mean? Is that you giving us the money or - You've called security, haven't you? - I have, yes.
It's not Grumio's fault the guy was a total spod.
No, but it is his fault our business plan included a six-legged man.
- Whatever the fuck that is.
- Exactly what it sounds like.
So I'm guessing they said "no".
We got booted out by security so they didn't really have to.
Either way, our bold, new bid to lure in punters may have to wait.
- Green Army! - Oh, lovely.
Chariot fans.
Every bloody match day they get steaming drunk and cover the place in flob and sexism.
'Ey, show us your tits, darling! The zoo knows you've escaped, does it? Yeah, don't speak to my bird like that, please, fellas.
Oh, dear.
Bloody Neanderthals! I'm sorry, "bird"? Yeah, just using their lingo.
- I'm not your bird, Marcus.
- No, sure.
I meant girlfriend.
- I'm not your girlfriend either.
- What d'you want me to call you? How about, "Woman you've been on a few dates with" who runs the business next door to yours?" Oh, right.
Glad we cleared that up.
- I mean, she is right, you know.
- They really are putting it away.
Are you sure there's not a pink team? More like one in a pastel shade? Green's not really my colour.
- It is now, mate.
- I got some gear for the bar, too.
A green banner, some flags, a bibby.
- What's the bibby for? - Well, a baby.
Or when I have soup.
That'll be 430 denarii.
430? For a bit of cloth? It's official club merchandise.
And is there a discount, perhaps, for lifelong Greenies like ourselves? No.
And nobody says Greenies, by the way.
Good to know.
Put the bibby back in that case, Grumio.
Oh, I really wanted that bibby.
Are you sure we want sports mad trolls in here? - It could all get a bit full on.
- If full on means full, that is fine by me.
Right now, we don't have a single customer.
- We've got weird old Phoenix.
- Weird old Phoenix isn't a customer.
All he does is drink our water and use our loo.
He's basically a human drainpipe.
All right, Phoenix? How's the novel coming along? Oh, slowly.
- Terribly slowly.
- Yeah? How about a nice glass of wine to speed things up a bit? Interesting.
Grease the wheels as it were.
But, no, thank you.
Let's stay focused.
Maybe just a top up of water, if you would.
Come on, you Greens.
What's the name of our most expensive signing? Alexis Falco, seven and a half million.
Where did we get him from? The Reds.
He used to be scum, now he's a legend.
- What's his pre-match meal? Marcus.
- Who cares? That is not gonna come up.
All we have to do to blend in, is make obscene gestures - and shout "wanker" occasionally.
- The answer is actually meat pie.
You want some, you toilet? - Is that our geeky bank manager? - Where? Over there with the Blue fans, knocking that guy out.
Yeah, cos that's just what geeky bank managers get up to.
He's probably on his way to throw shit as a temple.
I swear that's him.
Come on, I quite fancy a pre-match meat pie myself.
Green Army! Green Army! Green Army! They were the cheapest seats I could find.
I didn't know we'd be in the family bit.
Cos this definitely isn't where the hardcore drinkers sit.
- Not unless you count milk.
- Yes, all right, come on, then.
- Green Army! - Green Army! - Green Army! - Green Army! Oi, did someone order a fruit basket? Cos three plums have just shown up! Very funny.
We're not plums, though.
We're Greeners, like you.
If anything, we're green plums.
Greengages, if you will.
Yeah, well, I ain't seen you before.
That's weird.
We're here every week.
Oi, Paulus, you seen these plums before? - No, never.
Who are they? - Dunno, saying they're Greeners.
We are! We're massive Greeners.
All right, you lot are here so much, who did we play last week? - Easy, that'll be the Whites.
- We won by three and a half laps.
Yeah, smashed them, the wankers! Wankers-s-s! And you, what do you make of Leo? Cor, he was on fire, weren't he, eh?! Oh, yeah.
Leo played a blinder, absolutely immense.
Leo's our mascot.
No, I know.
But, you know, he was still immense.
As a mascot.
Jog on, you plums.
One of our players eats pies before a race, if that count? - Well, you muffed that, didn't you? - And you muffed our loan application.
So we're even.
It was a stupid idea anyway.
Let's go home.
I'm not just going home, mate.
I can win these aggro numpties over.
- I've got the cheeky charm.
- Okay.
I mean, I've never noticed that.
You've just gotta tickle their balls, give them a bit of banter.
- This is our season - Ladies.
You what? Ladies? Wanna fuckin' sandal up your arse, do ya? No.
No, thank you.
Sorry.
Nah, just wondering what you wankers are doing now.
Same as we do after every match, few bevvies up The Grapes.
The Grapes? Do people still drink there? You wanna come to our gaff, mate.
The Crown And Toga.
It's where all the proper Greeners drink.
Are you trying to say we're not proper Greeners? That's a bit rich coming from a bunch of two-bob lemony slags like you lot.
Two-bob lemony slags? Are you having a laugh? We're the real deal.
Course you are, babe.
All right.
Get a load of this.
Go on, boy! I'm Green until I die.
I know I am, I'm sure I am, I'm Green until I die! Decent little gaff you've got here to be fair, Marcus.
Kitted it out nice.
Well, we've had all this clobber up for years, of course.
Then you know that flag's arse about tit.
We love you Greens, we do Aurelius.
Flick that flag over.
The lion's upside down, you prat.
Yeah, I'm a bit busy right now.
Serving wine to genuinely some of the worst people on Earth.
Yeah, and some of the thirstiest people on Earth.
I can't pour this stuff fast enough.
This is what having a successful bar feels like, boys.
Just get used to it.
At this rate, we'll have to hire more staff.
Excuse me, Marcus.
Would you ask the chaps in green to quiet it down a bit, please? I'm trying to write my novel.
Weirdly, Phoenix, your novel's not my top priority here.
We are a wine bar for sports fans, not a water bar for leaky-bladdered cheapskates.
If you've got a problem with that, you can jog on, son.
I'm 75, I'm not jogging anywhere.
Flush yourself down the loo, then, I really don't care.
What can I get you, mate? He's short, he's fast, he likes to show his arse He's Grumio, Grumio! Are these not the same chariot fans you described as "bloody Neanderthals" the other day? They are, yes, but now I've met them, and I have to say, the Greens are a really terrific bunch.
Genuinely good-hearted, considerate people.
They pissed all over my shop front.
They're a bit rough round the edges.
Sure, they like a drink.
Anyway, I thought urine was useful for your laundry process.
Not when it's streaked all up the wall it's not.
- And I can't do much with vomit.
- Fair point.
Aurelius, - clean up the vom as well, please, mate.
- Yeah, this is making me a bit queasy.
They also appear to have painted a dog on my door.
- It's a lion, actually.
Their mascot, Leo.
- Yeah, I don't care.
- I don't want it there is my point.
- All right, I'll have it painted over.
In fact, painting the whole door green might stop this happening again.
Or you can just not have the Green pricks in your bar at all.
That might also stop it.
No can do, sorry.
We've poured a lot of money into these Green pricks, so I kind of need to put my business before my relationship with a not girlfriend.
I'll handle it, okay? Aurelius will clean up the mess.
And his own mess.
Green Army! Green Army! Green Army! Green Army! Go on, boy! No matter how hectic it gets, just keep serving.
Maybe let's pre-pour drinks, in fact.
And just so you know, you will get called some rude names.
We're talking mug, melt, muppet, helmet, ugly bitch, minge face, bearded nonce Yeah, I think those last few were just for you.
Okay, we're on.
Brace yourselves.
Green Army! Welcome, boys.
In you come.
Glass of wine, please, minge face.
Grumio? Just a bowl of nuts.
- Sorry, where is everyone? - They weren't really feeling it.
Why not, out of interest? Cos we got dumped out of the Cup, didn't we? We weren't exactly in the mood for having it large.
Chin up, kid.
There's always next season, eh? - We live in hope.
- Sorry, next season? Yeah, when the Cup starts over again.
- So we don't get any more games now? - When you're out, you're out.
- That's how the Cup works, silly bollocks.
- No, I know.
I know that.
Just, remind me.
When is next season again? - End of August.
- August, right.
And it's February now so that's About six months.
- The Blues will probably go on and win it now.
- Grr, scum! - Still, we had a decent run, didn't we? - Didn't we just.
What a bloody good run we had.
Fuck! - But I've only just put them all up.
- And now you have to take them all down.
There's not much point being a sports bar if there is no sport for six months, is there? Okay, someone's just had a sweet idea.
- Please not the beach bar again.
- No, not that, hear me out.
The Greens got knocked out of the Cup, but not everyone did.
Yeah, that's how the Cup works, silly bollocks.
Right, and Paulus said the Blues would probably win it.
So why don't we just become a Blue bar instead? - Have a cheeky rebrand.
- A rebrand? Are you tugging my testicles? That is actually one of your less shit ideas, Jason.
- Cheers, bro.
- We're Greeners.
We can't just change colour like some fruity fucking lizard.
I think we can.
In fact, I can feel us turning Blue right now.
Where's your loyalty? You're bloody glory gobblers! - You've been to, like, two games, mate.
- So what? The Greeners respect me, unlike you two.
With you it's always, "Pipe down, Grumio.
Forget your freak show.
"Put your bibby back.
Be Green.
Be Blue.
" - Well, yeah, if you would.
- I won't! And if this place is going Blue, I'm having nothing more to do with it.
Scum! Clean that up, will you, Aurelius, once you're done with that? Hello again.
We'd like to return these items and exchange them for those ones, please.
I thought you were lifelong Greenies.
We were but circumstances changed and now we're lifelong Blueys.
Plus, blue is a much better colour for my skin tone.
Right, that's not how most people pick a team.
Well, I'm not most people.
- Either way, we don't do exchanges.
- Oh, for This is gonna cost us pretty much everything we made.
All right, well, we can get rid of this trivia book for starters.
How are we gonna get in with the fans without wading through the painfully dull history of their club? We take a shortcut, obviously.
Hi.
If you want a meeting, you have to make an appointment.
Nah, no need for that, Nige.
I just wanted to let you know that I saw you the other day.
Yes, I know, - I had to call security.
- Not here.
I mean, I did see you here, but also at the arena.
Yobbing it up, putting your fists hard into people's faces.
I saw you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
So how'd you get those marks on your knuckles? Accident with an abacus, was it? No, you don't.
Bell's not gonna save you this time, boy.
I know what I saw and I don't have a problem telling this lot exactly what Naughty Nige gets up to after hours.
Maybe I can reconsider that business loan.
Nah, forget the loan, Nige.
I want something else this time.
Here he comes.
It's Alexis Falco.
The crowd goes mental as he rounds the final bend and - Oh, bollocks to it! - What you do that for, you mug? You was home and dry there.
Sorry, boss.
It's just, I miss the real thing is all.
Larging it with the lads, singing the songs, feeling like I'm ten foot tall.
Cos you're on Griff's shoulders, you mean? Yeah, that's part of it.
But it's like I finally belong to something.
And now all that's gone.
I hear you.
It's always tough, the wait between matches.
It can feel like forever, but in just a few days time, we'll be back on that terrace giving it large like we never left.
Now, I want you to pick up little Alexis and let's get him that victory.
Go on, boy.
Hang on.
A few days? I thought it was gonna be six months.
What?! You told him to forget the loan.
Yeah, because we don't need it any more.
This is our passport to punters.
Ooh, there he is, look.
Oi, oi, Nige! - Oi, oi, Nige's crew! - Oh, hi, Jase.
Who are these turnips? These are good mates of mine.
It's Jason and - Marcus.
- Marcus, yeah, yeah.
- They own a bar in town.
- The Crown And Toga.
It's a hardcore Blue bar.
- So you're hardcore, are you? - Just a bit.
We're proper Blue Army, like you guys.
- Blue Army?! - He means Blue Legion.
- Blue Legion! - Jase! It's Legion.
Yeah, Legion! Listen, Nige, you sure about these two? Seem like a couple of melts to me.
Are you calling my mates melts, Gav? - No, I just mean, they're a bit - I say they're all right.
And if you're saying they're not, I'm gonna tear your skin off and wear you like a fucking toga! All right! They're all right! Yeah, they're all right.
- Legion! - Legion! Legion! Legion! Legion! Thank you very much.
Legion, we love you! Again, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, painting it green worked an absolute treat, didn't it? And I thought their mascot was a lion.
The Green mascot, yeah.
But we had a small rebrand.
It turns out the Blues have a far nicer breed of chariot fan.
And then what? Are we working our way through the colours of the rainbow? No, no.
We are now Blue through and through.
Actually, we are making so much, I could maybe spruce up the hood a bit.
You know, a few pot plants, a lantern maybe.
Just paint the fucking door, Marcus.
And do a better job this time.
It's all streaky, look.
Nige is like a proper mate now.
I mean, I know I'm blackmailing him, but he said he's gonna introduce me to his sister.
- Apparently, she's well fit.
- Shove up, mush.
Sorry, Nigel has described his own sister as well fit? Yeah! It's quite weird actually, isn't it? - I said shove up.
I need the mirror.
- Can you just wait until I'm finished? Why are you even doing that, Grumio? - I've got a race later, why do you think? - How can you? Greens got knocked out of the Cup, remember? That was the Chariot Association Cup.
There's still the League Cup, the Fish Paste Cup and the Imperial Shield, obviously.
- So your season's not over at all? - Just getting going, son.
And I'll be back down the bar later for some bevvies with the Army.
Hang on.
How's that gonna work? I'm gonna be at the bar later with the Legion after our game.
Well, it's not gonna work, clearly.
Grumio, you have to go to the Army, tell them to go back to that old pub.
The Grapes, was it? Like hell I will! The Crown And Toga's our manor now.
- We shall not be moved! - Well, neither shall we.
Not from the bar, nor this mirror.
I can't believe you just blued my bloody nose.
Scum! Will you please stop spitting on the floor?! - Are you sure this is gonna work? - Yeah.
Cos we could just tell people we're closed.
This'll be fine.
Probably.
Hopefully.
Legion, Legion! Greeners, Greeners, Greeners! Hi, hello there, Nige.
What the fuck is going on here? Um, this is - We're actually closed today, I'm afraid.
- What, are we? Yes, because of the drainage problem, remember? Well, that'll explain why half your bar's covered in shit.
There's certainly some shit in here all right.
You should get a plumber in.
Or maybe pest control.
What brings you here, Paulus? Did you get lost on your way home to wanker land? I am home, Nigel.
So you'd best round up your little two-bob mob and chip off out of here.
- Or you can all chip off.
- We ain't going nowhere.
This is our manor and it's Blue! You must be going colour-blind in your old age, you Toby.
This manor's Green.
- Oh, yeah, says who? - We do.
- Well, prove it, then.
- Oh, yeah? You want some, you toilet? Please, stop! Stop it! Stop! Let us not descend into violence and hatred.
We are better than that.
Let's just, for one magic afternoon, put our differences aside and join together over our shared love of the sport and the values of brotherhood and respect and tolerance it promotes.
Surely, deep down, that is what being a real fan is all about? Nah, sod that! Want some, do you?! Greener! Oi, Bluey.
- You! - Shit No! Come, bruv, come.
- Fellas! - Go! Help me! Once again, I so, so sorry.
Yeah, I've kind of had enough of this now, Marcus.
What, this, as in the hooligan damage? Or this, as in me? Cos I really want you to be my bird slash girlfriend slash woman I've been on a few dates with, if that particular door's still open? Well, the door is off its hinges now, isn't it? So that's sort of open? Surely? Fine, it's open.
- Now get it fixed before I change my mind.
- I will repaint it immediately.
No, you will buy me a new one, you tight bastard.
So, we're not gonna try and get any Red fans down here, I take it? No.
No way.
Chariot fans are far too full on.
That is literally what I said at the beginning.
You can obviously have all of the Green merch, Grumio.
No, cheers.
I'm out, too.
These chariot mugs talk a good game, but when you're on the deck being sat on by a bank manager, you find out who your real mates are.
So the theme for our bar can go back to being sad and empty.
Not quite, look.
Phoenix! Welcome back, old friend.
Glass of water, is it? Well, I need to use the loo first but, yes, water would be lovely.