Reno 911! (2003) s05e05 Episode Script
Coconut Nut Clusters
boo be dee, ba be dee ba be dee boo [both scatting.]
coconut clusters coconut nut clusters [both scatting.]
Hey! [laughs.]
Sheriff's department! Yeah, we're selling coconut nut clusters For the sheriffs' athletics league! Man: Get off my property, motherfuckers! Pigs! Whoa.
All right.
Whoa.
- I'll slap you so hard- - sir, we're just selling ca- [gunshot.]
Uhh! Aah! Man: You'll never take me alive, mother fuckers! Go! Go! Oh, my god! I'm hit! Sheriff's department! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [gunfire.]
[shouts indistinctly.]
Oh! What? What? [gunshots.]
All right.
[grunting.]
[indistinct shouting and chatter.]
There's a tornado! No, no, no! Hell, no! We won't blow! [siren blaring.]
yeah! No, no, no He's my friend.
[grunts.]
Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
Aah! [siren blaring.]
mtv networks Good morning, gang.
All, yawning: Good morning.
It's coconut nut cluster day! [cheering.]
Get out there! Get out there.
Hoo hoo hoo! Move these coconut nut clusters.
You're doing something good For the sheriffs' athletic league And it's not a contest But whoever sells the most coconut nut clusters Gets 2 tickets to The washoe community players production of our town.
[gasps.]
so it's not a compet- Again, I'd like to stress it's not a competition, But in parenthesis, Yes, it is a competition.
Oh, yeah, it is.
So get out there.
Move them coconut nut clusters.
You're doing something good For them little 'tards In the sheriffs' athletics league And-and Still getting paid for a regular work day.
Is there anything mandatory that we have to say When we knock on a door? I have a suggestion for you.
Don't be hatin' on these candies, beeyotches.
Give up the dizzos So these kids can have some brizzos.
I don't even know what you just said.
That's why I'm not working The ethnic neighborhood.
I'm in the old age homes today.
Dangle: That's probably for the best.
Dangle: There it is.
Right there with the balloons.
- Oh, man.
- Son of a bitch.
How you doing tonight? Hello! Welcome to the carnival.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Can I help you gentlemen? You're a little too old for the rides, I think, so- [all laughing.]
Don't touch him.
Don't ever touch him! Don't ever touch either of us, you understand me? I wasn't going to touch you.
I would like to, uh, ask you a question.
Anything.
And it has to do with, uh, the sign.
Oh, jeez.
Megan's law.
Why does the sign over your door say [both.]
: "house of mystery"? Well, now That is because- [stammering.]
If the kids pay extra, you can go in there And I turn the lights out, And of course, they also- I blindfold them and they can just- - Feel around? - Feel all around.
That's why they called us, you know.
Well, why- We had reports- - We had reports.
- Of some fella - Blindfolding children- - yes.
And telling them to just "feel around.
" Yes, hooray! What's- [stammering.]
It's-it's carnival! So I don't even understand why that's a problem, Because There were The other report was that a gentleman Was taking youngsters- Yes.
Putting them on an electronic horsey ride And spraying them with a garden hose.
And putting it on youtube.
Well, ok, if those- If somebody's filming that and putting it on youtube, That's not my business.
I'm not- That's-how can I keep the youtubers away? How could you keep? How could you keep?! It's taking over the nation! - Don't ever touch me! Ever! - Don't touch him.
We've been over this.
Don't touch him And why aren't you crouching in fear? Why aren't you crouched in fear? Crouch.
Have you been supplying change for the children? That's the call we got.
They can reach right in and get the change, see? I can prove it.
There's change all over here.
Look at this.
Look at this change- If I reach into this change purse, I'm not going to feel anything else, am I? [laughing.]
what else would you feel? Hands up, please.
Hands up.
Put your hands like this.
What? Wait, wait- the police! No, not there! Ohh! Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Got it.
Ok.
That is my penis.
Yep.
Why are you chaining yourself to me? - Here we go.
- Oh! Oh! Come on.
Ok, that's- that is tight.
Coconut nut clusters are like Little sprinkled bits of happy sunshine Covered in chocolate.
And every crunch- [crunches.]
Sounds like the laughter of happy children Who are getting to play on brand-new Playground equipment.
New field hockey equipment.
New kickball equipment.
[lips smacking.]
When you bite into one of these, You're biting into someone's dreams.
Sheriff's department.
What is going on here? This is interesting.
[laughs.]
Don't be alarmed, sir.
We're just going door-to-door Selling some coconut nut clusters.
You're kidding me! Oh, my goodness! Wow, that's wonderful! I've got a real sweet tooth.
How did you know? Am I under surveillance? [all laughing.]
I've got a question.
What are we doing standing out here Talking in the hot sun, When we could be inside Enjoying the cool air-conditioning? That's a good question! I don't know the answer to that.
Tell me.
What's the story here? Well, um, I'm deputy jones.
This is- Deputy kimball.
[laughs.]
We're selling these coconut nut clusters For the sheriffs' athletics league, and, uh- Coconut nut- that sounds fantastic.
They're real good.
So how many can we put you down for? Hmm, gosh.
Well, how many can you spare? - Um All of 'em? - 36? That's the whole box! Can I clean out the store? Because I'd love to do that.
Please do! Can I write you a check? - Yes, please.
- You sure can.
To the reno sheriff's department.
"dear nancy "my way of thanking you For 8 years of marriage.
" Aw.
That's nice, huh? That is sweet.
Condsiderate.
Yeah.
And then I'll just say, "p.
S.
Sorry For the mess.
" [laughs.]
Ok.
Great! [sniffs.]
[gunshot.]
[gasps.]
He didn't sign the check.
We're supposed to be cracking down on bars in washoe county That serve alcohol to minors, So I've been ordered to take part In an undercover sting operation Uh, using this secret hidden camera there, State of the art.
Say hi, tammy.
Hello.
Uh, she's only 20, So if she goes in, orders a drink and pays for it, We get to make the bust.
Easy-peasy-japane- There you go, buddy.
Hello.
Hi.
What can I get you? Hi.
Um I would like an alcoholic beverage, sir.
Whoo! Whoo.
Wow.
Wow.
Straight down the hatch, huh? Whoo.
Whoo.
That was good.
How much do I owe you? Eh, that one's on the house.
Go ahead.
Drink that one, too.
That one's on me.
Hey, she just settled up.
She just gave me this And she just handed it to me to hand to you.
This one's on me.
Ahh! Go, tammy! Go, tammy! Go! Go! Whoo! Go! Go! Go! Go! Don't go.
Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Best night of my life! Whoo! Ha ha ha! [sighs.]
[crying.]
now it's all right.
Easy, easy, easy.
It's ok.
I like this stuff.
Come on up here.
Watch your head.
Watch your head.
Come on up.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Chinese in the mother fucking house! Whoo! Oh! Whoa, whoa.
Uhh! Uhh [gasping.]
She'd like to settle up, I think, Is what she was saying.
[grunts.]
bartender.
Think she's got something to tell you.
This guy just stuck his thumb up my ass! What?! I didn't stick a thumb up anybody's- You're out of here, grandpa.
I didn't stick a thumb up- Bartender: No, I told you.
Uhh! [thud.]
[deep inhale.]
hmm.
I want a cigarette.
No, no, no, no.
You gotta be 18 and over to smoke here.
What are you? 15? 16? It's that time.
Yay! We love coconut nut clusters time of year.
It's like christmas, but it's- With candy bars! And we don't get 'em, we sell 'em! Which is different than christmas, but Same feeling! In my heart.
[car door closes.]
jones: You ok? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
We're gonna do this.
[sniffs.]
[grunts.]
no, you don't! No, you don't! Hey! We got here first! Ha! Coconut nut clusters! [laughs.]
In your face! Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god.
Aah! [yelling in chinese.]
[jones screaming.]
Oh, my god! Kimball: Jones, get in the car! Oh, she got jones! Oh, my god! [jones grunting.]
Oh, my god! [both screaming.]
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney, An attorney will be- Dangle: Make a path, people.
Make a path.
Make a path.
Make a path.
[man groans.]
all right, sir.
Oh, dear lord.
Oh, it's worse than I thought.
It looks worse in the daylight.
Sir.
[man sobbing.]
Ok.
Oh, dear.
That really does- it's really Man: Is it all the way to the hilt? It's not all the way to the hilt, But it's in there pretty good.
I don't want to touch it.
I don't want to make anything worse.
So his version of events is [stammering.]
you were praising His civil war sword- No.
What's that? [british accent.]
it's not a civil war sword.
This- that item is not? It's not? The item up my anus.
Yes? [clears throat.]
Is not a real civil war sword.
You're kidding me.
It looks fantastic.
It may look fantastic, But there are certain markings on it That clearly show it's a fake.
Man: Ah, be careful.
Uhh.
The rope is fake here.
This bulbous part here.
Yeah? - Light as a feather.
- Really? The real thing would be heavy and weigh you down.
What is- An expert will tell you, clearly, That's al-u-minum.
Oh! Aluminum? Al-u-minum.
Right.
Now, my left thumb is covering The obvioreal giveaway.
Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
Yes.
Bingo! Dangle: Breathe for me.
Excuse me! Might be a bad time, but I- I bought this on ebay.
I'm quite sure this is From the post-revolutionary period.
Uhh It's a It's a fake.
Only an idiot would think this was real.
Aah! You bastard! $85.
Oh, my god.
We're double- We doubled last year.
We doubled last year.
My god.
Think about how many dodge balls this is gonna buy For them retards.
[muffled.]
oh, my gosh.
Like, a lot! We won't- I'm not sure how much A dodge ball goes for these days- Mm-hmm? But they can't be much more than 2 or $3.
No, so $85 Buys 2, 4, 42 dodge balls.
- Mmm.
- That's good, huh? This is really good.
Like buying you a damn coconut tree.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's diabetic! He's diabetic! He's diabetic! Oh! Oh, my god! Are you alright? We're selling coconut clusters For the sheriffs' athletics league.
Yeah, you know, for the kids.
Uh, dances and everything.
Oh, this is so nice.
Nobody's been to see me in such a long time.
Oh, you are kidding.
I can't imagine that.
Why would they do that? [chuckles.]
uh Man: Hey! What are you guys selling over there? Both: Coconut nut clusters.
Can I get some of those? [truck accelerating.]
Look out! No! No! Jones: Aah! [screams.]
[both screaming.]
God damn it! No! Come on! [truck approaching.]
Oh, no! Jonesy! No! Now as part of your parole agreement, You are required to Either be employed or apply for employment Once every 2 weeks.
Do you feel like you've complied with that? Yes.
Where did you apply for a job last, terry? I have a job.
Where? Think Think.
It's an instrument store.
It's called talk to the band.
Talk to the band.
Talk to the band.
What kind of instruments they sell At talk to the band, terry? Not that I don't believe you, And don't-don't take my incredulousness As disbelief.
But what kind of instruments do they sell? Tubas Tubas.
What do you do there at talk to the band? You sell tubas, terry? Yeah, if people are, like, I want a tuba, I'm, like, yeah.
They're, like, I want to buy it.
I'm, like, buy it.
They're, like, I will.
I'm, like, shut up.
They're, like, why did you just say that? I'm, like, get out of my face.
And they leave.
I feel like that sale - it went really bad there, terry.
That was a bad sale.
Let's go again.
- Uh, hey, excuse me.
- What? Gentleman in the roller skates.
Yes, I'd like to purchase a tuba.
Great.
What about this one here? Buy it.
Well, now I don't feel like I should.
Why? Why don't you buy it? Why you just buy it? I'm going to take my tuba buying dollar To another store across the street.
Fine.
I don't care.
Your face sucks.
See? I feel like that went as bad as the first one.
How long you been employed At talk to the band, terry? One day.
One day.
How many sales? I feel like you've blown Just sitting talking to us.
Man: I will not be denied my rights as americans Sheriff's department.
to give pleasure in the country I was born you can say that I'm not worthy of giving you pleasure but someone up above tells me you're wrong I'll bite.
What is your issue? Ok, here's the deal.
I come over here to offer my services, all right? 'cause I see that they have all these ladies.
But hey! Let's get a gigalo in here.
Let's get some man meat in here, right? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So I offer my services To give pleasure.
And they go, I'm sorry.
You're not good-looking enough.
And I know I'm not easy on the eyes.
I know that god did not tap me with a beauty stick.
All right? But I guarantee you when those lights are off, They're gonna be like, I was glad andrew was there.
When I got this.
This.
- Oh, my god.
- This This to give! This is a gentlemen's club.
Yes, and I am a gentlemen who is ready to give club, So to speak.
Club meaning sex.
You start your own club.
You know how much overhead is involved With getting a business here? Look at all the things.
You've got tables.
You've got chairs.
You've got hot dogs and chips.
You've got rubbers.
You've got- This used to be an old gas station, ok? Oh, this place used to be a gas station.
Why don't you go down to a gas station? I think your talents are better served For a gas station.
- Okay.
Fine.
- Alright? That's what I'm sayi.
Your little novelty acts.
Well, good luck getting me out of here To your fantasy gas station Where all dreams come true.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, you're right, good luck.
I will not be fo- - Ok, you know what? - Good luck to me.
I had this on when I came in here, all right? Big deal.
And you're gonna have it on when you go.
Hey, there, cindy.
How you doin'? SeÃÂñor guapo, right? Is that right? I learned some spanish.
Guapo's right.
That's right.
SeÃÂñor guapo.
Oh, boy.
I hope I'm not out of line.
Uh Uh, there's a, uh, Board night and puzzle night at the cougar club tonight.
Yeah, what kind game they have? Oh, they have, uh, they have risk.
They have monopoly.
- You don't- - is there one game Pardon? Where you close your eye, ok? And then you lie down? Ok? And then something's going to happen to you.
You don't know what.
You want to play that game? With me? I don't know if there's cocaine in 'em or Or what, but people cannot get enough Of these nut clusters.
And I just can't get enough of saying nut clusters.
I love it.
Yeah.
Nut cluster.
- I'm holding your nut cluster.
- Oh! Well.
[chuckles.]
- He blushes.
- You got mine- - He blushes.
- Yeah.
You got me.
Oh, such a child.
[gasping.]
[grunting.]
[clears throat.]
G- g-g-good evening.
We're from the sheriff's department.
Would you like to feel good About yourself and your community? Why not buy a coconut Nut cluster? It's for the sheriffs' athletics league.
They're only a dollar apiece, And they give kids Who normally wouldn't have a chance at a better life You forgot to mention they're tax-deductible.
Dangle? Hola.
Yo soy oficio deputy garcia De reno sheriff's department.
[speaking spanish.]
[speaking spanish.]
Oh, my god.
I think we've hit Every house on this block.
Yeah.
And we've made a sale, Made a sale, made a sale, made a sale.
This is my 34th coconut nut cluster of the day.
We might be out of houses in this neighborhood.
[indistinct.]
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Have a bite! - No, you don't.
- Have a bite! - You know you want a coconut- - god damn it, I do.
[indistinct.]
Aah! [laughing.]
Coco-mmm.
Mmm.
Oh.
Oh.
You all right? You just bit my lip a little bi.
Oh, my god.
You're really bleeding.
Oh, my god.
Oh, you're gushing blood.
You're gushing blood.
I'm gushing what? You're gushing blood.
Here, let me- Here.
Just put pressure on it.
Put pressure on it.
Mmm.
Um, you don't need to do the thing You're doing with your tongue there.
We might be at the best coconut nut cluster sale day To date, by the way, gang.
[cheering.]
I got clemmie.
You're at 97.
- Am I in the lead? - 97?! Whoa! [all murmuring.]
'cause I'm gonna match it, And buy us all A- a pie.
A pizza pie.
- Oh! Jim! - So we all win.
Beer's on me.
- Beer's on you? - Beer's on me.
That's so nice.
Thank you.
Put that away.
[all talking at once.]
Weigel: Best day ever.
All: Whoo! I would read off who won- I'm not even gonna read off who won.
Jim, I have $30.
I only made 30, but let me explain.
I actually didn't sell any today, But I ate 32 bars.
Dengle: And you're paying for 'em.
And I'm paying for them.
Uh-uh.
[both scatting.]
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning [sobbing.]
coconut clusters coconut nut clusters [both scatting.]
Hey! [laughs.]
Sheriff's department! Yeah, we're selling coconut nut clusters For the sheriffs' athletics league! Man: Get off my property, motherfuckers! Pigs! Whoa.
All right.
Whoa.
- I'll slap you so hard- - sir, we're just selling ca- [gunshot.]
Uhh! Aah! Man: You'll never take me alive, mother fuckers! Go! Go! Oh, my god! I'm hit! Sheriff's department! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [gunfire.]
[shouts indistinctly.]
Oh! What? What? [gunshots.]
All right.
[grunting.]
[indistinct shouting and chatter.]
There's a tornado! No, no, no! Hell, no! We won't blow! [siren blaring.]
yeah! No, no, no He's my friend.
[grunts.]
Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
Aah! [siren blaring.]
mtv networks Good morning, gang.
All, yawning: Good morning.
It's coconut nut cluster day! [cheering.]
Get out there! Get out there.
Hoo hoo hoo! Move these coconut nut clusters.
You're doing something good For the sheriffs' athletic league And it's not a contest But whoever sells the most coconut nut clusters Gets 2 tickets to The washoe community players production of our town.
[gasps.]
so it's not a compet- Again, I'd like to stress it's not a competition, But in parenthesis, Yes, it is a competition.
Oh, yeah, it is.
So get out there.
Move them coconut nut clusters.
You're doing something good For them little 'tards In the sheriffs' athletics league And-and Still getting paid for a regular work day.
Is there anything mandatory that we have to say When we knock on a door? I have a suggestion for you.
Don't be hatin' on these candies, beeyotches.
Give up the dizzos So these kids can have some brizzos.
I don't even know what you just said.
That's why I'm not working The ethnic neighborhood.
I'm in the old age homes today.
Dangle: That's probably for the best.
Dangle: There it is.
Right there with the balloons.
- Oh, man.
- Son of a bitch.
How you doing tonight? Hello! Welcome to the carnival.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Can I help you gentlemen? You're a little too old for the rides, I think, so- [all laughing.]
Don't touch him.
Don't ever touch him! Don't ever touch either of us, you understand me? I wasn't going to touch you.
I would like to, uh, ask you a question.
Anything.
And it has to do with, uh, the sign.
Oh, jeez.
Megan's law.
Why does the sign over your door say [both.]
: "house of mystery"? Well, now That is because- [stammering.]
If the kids pay extra, you can go in there And I turn the lights out, And of course, they also- I blindfold them and they can just- - Feel around? - Feel all around.
That's why they called us, you know.
Well, why- We had reports- - We had reports.
- Of some fella - Blindfolding children- - yes.
And telling them to just "feel around.
" Yes, hooray! What's- [stammering.]
It's-it's carnival! So I don't even understand why that's a problem, Because There were The other report was that a gentleman Was taking youngsters- Yes.
Putting them on an electronic horsey ride And spraying them with a garden hose.
And putting it on youtube.
Well, ok, if those- If somebody's filming that and putting it on youtube, That's not my business.
I'm not- That's-how can I keep the youtubers away? How could you keep? How could you keep?! It's taking over the nation! - Don't ever touch me! Ever! - Don't touch him.
We've been over this.
Don't touch him And why aren't you crouching in fear? Why aren't you crouched in fear? Crouch.
Have you been supplying change for the children? That's the call we got.
They can reach right in and get the change, see? I can prove it.
There's change all over here.
Look at this.
Look at this change- If I reach into this change purse, I'm not going to feel anything else, am I? [laughing.]
what else would you feel? Hands up, please.
Hands up.
Put your hands like this.
What? Wait, wait- the police! No, not there! Ohh! Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Got it.
Ok.
That is my penis.
Yep.
Why are you chaining yourself to me? - Here we go.
- Oh! Oh! Come on.
Ok, that's- that is tight.
Coconut nut clusters are like Little sprinkled bits of happy sunshine Covered in chocolate.
And every crunch- [crunches.]
Sounds like the laughter of happy children Who are getting to play on brand-new Playground equipment.
New field hockey equipment.
New kickball equipment.
[lips smacking.]
When you bite into one of these, You're biting into someone's dreams.
Sheriff's department.
What is going on here? This is interesting.
[laughs.]
Don't be alarmed, sir.
We're just going door-to-door Selling some coconut nut clusters.
You're kidding me! Oh, my goodness! Wow, that's wonderful! I've got a real sweet tooth.
How did you know? Am I under surveillance? [all laughing.]
I've got a question.
What are we doing standing out here Talking in the hot sun, When we could be inside Enjoying the cool air-conditioning? That's a good question! I don't know the answer to that.
Tell me.
What's the story here? Well, um, I'm deputy jones.
This is- Deputy kimball.
[laughs.]
We're selling these coconut nut clusters For the sheriffs' athletics league, and, uh- Coconut nut- that sounds fantastic.
They're real good.
So how many can we put you down for? Hmm, gosh.
Well, how many can you spare? - Um All of 'em? - 36? That's the whole box! Can I clean out the store? Because I'd love to do that.
Please do! Can I write you a check? - Yes, please.
- You sure can.
To the reno sheriff's department.
"dear nancy "my way of thanking you For 8 years of marriage.
" Aw.
That's nice, huh? That is sweet.
Condsiderate.
Yeah.
And then I'll just say, "p.
S.
Sorry For the mess.
" [laughs.]
Ok.
Great! [sniffs.]
[gunshot.]
[gasps.]
He didn't sign the check.
We're supposed to be cracking down on bars in washoe county That serve alcohol to minors, So I've been ordered to take part In an undercover sting operation Uh, using this secret hidden camera there, State of the art.
Say hi, tammy.
Hello.
Uh, she's only 20, So if she goes in, orders a drink and pays for it, We get to make the bust.
Easy-peasy-japane- There you go, buddy.
Hello.
Hi.
What can I get you? Hi.
Um I would like an alcoholic beverage, sir.
Whoo! Whoo.
Wow.
Wow.
Straight down the hatch, huh? Whoo.
Whoo.
That was good.
How much do I owe you? Eh, that one's on the house.
Go ahead.
Drink that one, too.
That one's on me.
Hey, she just settled up.
She just gave me this And she just handed it to me to hand to you.
This one's on me.
Ahh! Go, tammy! Go, tammy! Go! Go! Whoo! Go! Go! Go! Go! Don't go.
Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Best night of my life! Whoo! Ha ha ha! [sighs.]
[crying.]
now it's all right.
Easy, easy, easy.
It's ok.
I like this stuff.
Come on up here.
Watch your head.
Watch your head.
Come on up.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Chinese in the mother fucking house! Whoo! Oh! Whoa, whoa.
Uhh! Uhh [gasping.]
She'd like to settle up, I think, Is what she was saying.
[grunts.]
bartender.
Think she's got something to tell you.
This guy just stuck his thumb up my ass! What?! I didn't stick a thumb up anybody's- You're out of here, grandpa.
I didn't stick a thumb up- Bartender: No, I told you.
Uhh! [thud.]
[deep inhale.]
hmm.
I want a cigarette.
No, no, no, no.
You gotta be 18 and over to smoke here.
What are you? 15? 16? It's that time.
Yay! We love coconut nut clusters time of year.
It's like christmas, but it's- With candy bars! And we don't get 'em, we sell 'em! Which is different than christmas, but Same feeling! In my heart.
[car door closes.]
jones: You ok? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
We're gonna do this.
[sniffs.]
[grunts.]
no, you don't! No, you don't! Hey! We got here first! Ha! Coconut nut clusters! [laughs.]
In your face! Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god.
Aah! [yelling in chinese.]
[jones screaming.]
Oh, my god! Kimball: Jones, get in the car! Oh, she got jones! Oh, my god! [jones grunting.]
Oh, my god! [both screaming.]
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney, An attorney will be- Dangle: Make a path, people.
Make a path.
Make a path.
Make a path.
[man groans.]
all right, sir.
Oh, dear lord.
Oh, it's worse than I thought.
It looks worse in the daylight.
Sir.
[man sobbing.]
Ok.
Oh, dear.
That really does- it's really Man: Is it all the way to the hilt? It's not all the way to the hilt, But it's in there pretty good.
I don't want to touch it.
I don't want to make anything worse.
So his version of events is [stammering.]
you were praising His civil war sword- No.
What's that? [british accent.]
it's not a civil war sword.
This- that item is not? It's not? The item up my anus.
Yes? [clears throat.]
Is not a real civil war sword.
You're kidding me.
It looks fantastic.
It may look fantastic, But there are certain markings on it That clearly show it's a fake.
Man: Ah, be careful.
Uhh.
The rope is fake here.
This bulbous part here.
Yeah? - Light as a feather.
- Really? The real thing would be heavy and weigh you down.
What is- An expert will tell you, clearly, That's al-u-minum.
Oh! Aluminum? Al-u-minum.
Right.
Now, my left thumb is covering The obvioreal giveaway.
Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
Yes.
Bingo! Dangle: Breathe for me.
Excuse me! Might be a bad time, but I- I bought this on ebay.
I'm quite sure this is From the post-revolutionary period.
Uhh It's a It's a fake.
Only an idiot would think this was real.
Aah! You bastard! $85.
Oh, my god.
We're double- We doubled last year.
We doubled last year.
My god.
Think about how many dodge balls this is gonna buy For them retards.
[muffled.]
oh, my gosh.
Like, a lot! We won't- I'm not sure how much A dodge ball goes for these days- Mm-hmm? But they can't be much more than 2 or $3.
No, so $85 Buys 2, 4, 42 dodge balls.
- Mmm.
- That's good, huh? This is really good.
Like buying you a damn coconut tree.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's diabetic! He's diabetic! He's diabetic! Oh! Oh, my god! Are you alright? We're selling coconut clusters For the sheriffs' athletics league.
Yeah, you know, for the kids.
Uh, dances and everything.
Oh, this is so nice.
Nobody's been to see me in such a long time.
Oh, you are kidding.
I can't imagine that.
Why would they do that? [chuckles.]
uh Man: Hey! What are you guys selling over there? Both: Coconut nut clusters.
Can I get some of those? [truck accelerating.]
Look out! No! No! Jones: Aah! [screams.]
[both screaming.]
God damn it! No! Come on! [truck approaching.]
Oh, no! Jonesy! No! Now as part of your parole agreement, You are required to Either be employed or apply for employment Once every 2 weeks.
Do you feel like you've complied with that? Yes.
Where did you apply for a job last, terry? I have a job.
Where? Think Think.
It's an instrument store.
It's called talk to the band.
Talk to the band.
Talk to the band.
What kind of instruments they sell At talk to the band, terry? Not that I don't believe you, And don't-don't take my incredulousness As disbelief.
But what kind of instruments do they sell? Tubas Tubas.
What do you do there at talk to the band? You sell tubas, terry? Yeah, if people are, like, I want a tuba, I'm, like, yeah.
They're, like, I want to buy it.
I'm, like, buy it.
They're, like, I will.
I'm, like, shut up.
They're, like, why did you just say that? I'm, like, get out of my face.
And they leave.
I feel like that sale - it went really bad there, terry.
That was a bad sale.
Let's go again.
- Uh, hey, excuse me.
- What? Gentleman in the roller skates.
Yes, I'd like to purchase a tuba.
Great.
What about this one here? Buy it.
Well, now I don't feel like I should.
Why? Why don't you buy it? Why you just buy it? I'm going to take my tuba buying dollar To another store across the street.
Fine.
I don't care.
Your face sucks.
See? I feel like that went as bad as the first one.
How long you been employed At talk to the band, terry? One day.
One day.
How many sales? I feel like you've blown Just sitting talking to us.
Man: I will not be denied my rights as americans Sheriff's department.
to give pleasure in the country I was born you can say that I'm not worthy of giving you pleasure but someone up above tells me you're wrong I'll bite.
What is your issue? Ok, here's the deal.
I come over here to offer my services, all right? 'cause I see that they have all these ladies.
But hey! Let's get a gigalo in here.
Let's get some man meat in here, right? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So I offer my services To give pleasure.
And they go, I'm sorry.
You're not good-looking enough.
And I know I'm not easy on the eyes.
I know that god did not tap me with a beauty stick.
All right? But I guarantee you when those lights are off, They're gonna be like, I was glad andrew was there.
When I got this.
This.
- Oh, my god.
- This This to give! This is a gentlemen's club.
Yes, and I am a gentlemen who is ready to give club, So to speak.
Club meaning sex.
You start your own club.
You know how much overhead is involved With getting a business here? Look at all the things.
You've got tables.
You've got chairs.
You've got hot dogs and chips.
You've got rubbers.
You've got- This used to be an old gas station, ok? Oh, this place used to be a gas station.
Why don't you go down to a gas station? I think your talents are better served For a gas station.
- Okay.
Fine.
- Alright? That's what I'm sayi.
Your little novelty acts.
Well, good luck getting me out of here To your fantasy gas station Where all dreams come true.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, you're right, good luck.
I will not be fo- - Ok, you know what? - Good luck to me.
I had this on when I came in here, all right? Big deal.
And you're gonna have it on when you go.
Hey, there, cindy.
How you doin'? SeÃÂñor guapo, right? Is that right? I learned some spanish.
Guapo's right.
That's right.
SeÃÂñor guapo.
Oh, boy.
I hope I'm not out of line.
Uh Uh, there's a, uh, Board night and puzzle night at the cougar club tonight.
Yeah, what kind game they have? Oh, they have, uh, they have risk.
They have monopoly.
- You don't- - is there one game Pardon? Where you close your eye, ok? And then you lie down? Ok? And then something's going to happen to you.
You don't know what.
You want to play that game? With me? I don't know if there's cocaine in 'em or Or what, but people cannot get enough Of these nut clusters.
And I just can't get enough of saying nut clusters.
I love it.
Yeah.
Nut cluster.
- I'm holding your nut cluster.
- Oh! Well.
[chuckles.]
- He blushes.
- You got mine- - He blushes.
- Yeah.
You got me.
Oh, such a child.
[gasping.]
[grunting.]
[clears throat.]
G- g-g-good evening.
We're from the sheriff's department.
Would you like to feel good About yourself and your community? Why not buy a coconut Nut cluster? It's for the sheriffs' athletics league.
They're only a dollar apiece, And they give kids Who normally wouldn't have a chance at a better life You forgot to mention they're tax-deductible.
Dangle? Hola.
Yo soy oficio deputy garcia De reno sheriff's department.
[speaking spanish.]
[speaking spanish.]
Oh, my god.
I think we've hit Every house on this block.
Yeah.
And we've made a sale, Made a sale, made a sale, made a sale.
This is my 34th coconut nut cluster of the day.
We might be out of houses in this neighborhood.
[indistinct.]
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Have a bite! - No, you don't.
- Have a bite! - You know you want a coconut- - god damn it, I do.
[indistinct.]
Aah! [laughing.]
Coco-mmm.
Mmm.
Oh.
Oh.
You all right? You just bit my lip a little bi.
Oh, my god.
You're really bleeding.
Oh, my god.
Oh, you're gushing blood.
You're gushing blood.
I'm gushing what? You're gushing blood.
Here, let me- Here.
Just put pressure on it.
Put pressure on it.
Mmm.
Um, you don't need to do the thing You're doing with your tongue there.
We might be at the best coconut nut cluster sale day To date, by the way, gang.
[cheering.]
I got clemmie.
You're at 97.
- Am I in the lead? - 97?! Whoa! [all murmuring.]
'cause I'm gonna match it, And buy us all A- a pie.
A pizza pie.
- Oh! Jim! - So we all win.
Beer's on me.
- Beer's on you? - Beer's on me.
That's so nice.
Thank you.
Put that away.
[all talking at once.]
Weigel: Best day ever.
All: Whoo! I would read off who won- I'm not even gonna read off who won.
Jim, I have $30.
I only made 30, but let me explain.
I actually didn't sell any today, But I ate 32 bars.
Dengle: And you're paying for 'em.
And I'm paying for them.
Uh-uh.
[both scatting.]
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning [sobbing.]