Rick and Morty (2013) s05e05 Episode Script

1
Jerry, can you watch the kids tonight?
Someone played Barry White
over the racetrack speakers,
and now there's a seven-horse pregnancy.
- Oh, uh
- No, he can't watch the kids.
It's guys' night.
How did you two start
having guys' nights?
So now you're complaining that
I like your stupid husband?
No, I want you to like
my stupid husband.
- Aww.
- Well, then accept that Friday nights
are all about Rick and Jerry.
- We're buds.
- Uh-huh
Well, I don't nearly have
the time to unpack this.
Summer, you're in charge
of your brother tonight.
No parties and no vape stuff.
Mom, I have a friend coming
over. I-Is that cool?
- No fair.
- No fair, Morty.
I just told your sister no parties.
- It's one friend.
- That's a party to you.
- But it's Bruce Chutback!
- Wait, what?
Mom, let Morty have one
friend over for God's sake.
- This isn't China.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
And they're all crowning. I have to go.
I am giving you two trust and respect,
so if you mess up and
teleport this house,
it'd be wise to stay on it
- and not come back.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
I'm with her. Touch my shit and die.
[DOOR OPENS]
Bruce Chutback,
new transfer student Bruce
Chutback, is coming here?
- How'd you lock that down?
- He's in my math class.
I-I don't know, I just kinda
shot my shot and it worked,
I guess 'cause he's new.
And you're putting out grapes?
Yeah, I'll admit I-I'm a
little bit out of my depth.
You're gonna need my help.
It's only a matter of time
before Bruce learns
you're a creepy little Grandpa's boy,
always climbing up into alien asses.
Or the "Summer Smith
shampoos her pubes" rumor.
Okay. You came to play.
We both need to acquire
Chutback's loyalty
before he finds out we're losers.
By all accounts,
it's a very small window,
so I think it's in our best
interests to work as a team.
Yeah, most people would
call that "family."
- [FARTS]
- You're so gross!
You have to like it or you're sexist!
- Can I do the Hell cube this time?
- Sure, pal.
[GROANS]
How do you know when it's aligned?
C'mon, Jerry, just it's an evil cube.
Just shake it until it draws blood.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
♪
Ah, Jerry!
Exquisite finery this evening.
Well, don't tell Ross,
but I got this little ditty from Kohl's.
- [GROANS]
- [LAUGHTER]
I love that I don't get it.
Tell us, that delights
have you in store for us?
Oh, you'll love this
I call it Jerry-oke.
I'll let you guess why.
[LAUGHTER]
What's the matter, Rick?
Are you having a bad time?
Because to us, a bad time is
Yeah, yeah, a good time,
because you guys are like
Oscar the fucking Grouch.
We love suffering.
Therefore, we love
hanging out with Jerry.
His lameness is our candy.
Yeah, I got that, but when
is enough gonna be enough?
When we decide you've repaid your debt
for those faulty skin hooks.
Hey, we're in luck, gang.
They've got the entire
Smash Mouth catalog!
[LAUGHTER]
♪
♪
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- No! Morty.
Wait.
[CHAIR SCRAPES]
Bruce Chutback! ♪
Newest kid in school ♪
Just transferred in ♪
Hasn't done anything
embarrassing yet ♪
Unlimited potential ♪
Anybody's guess ♪
No credit is perfect credit ♪
Chutback is the best ♪
Bruce!
- Hey, how's it hangin', my guy?
- Hey.
Here's something kinda cool
um, TV from every dimension.
- Cool.
- M-My grandpa made it.
He-He's a scientist.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to
"Olympic Diving with Bad Swimmers."
There he goes. Perfect dive.
[GASPING, COUGHING]
Terrible swimmer.
[CELLPHONE BEEPING]
Is that classic Snake?
Boy, that guy just keeps gettin' bigger.
Hi, Summer Smith, Morty's older sister.
Want some sofa wine?
It's been stashed for weeks.
Should be good tasting.
Tight. I'm more of like
a hard seltzer guy.
Tight. Very tight, extremely tight.
Morty, help me with the seltz?
Uh, feel fear feel-fee-feel-feel free
to have some grapes.
Dude, this bitch plays
it close to the vest.
Yeah, he really knows what's for sale.
I mean, we-we're drowning out there!
We need to get interesting fast.
We're touching Rick's stuff.
Summer, he said no!
Nuh-uh-uh. Nuh-uh-uh.
I said don't touch my shit.
Also, I just watched
"Jurassic Park" on cable.
So good. Seriously, though,
touch my shit and I'll
freeze your dick in amber.
[DOOR CLOSES]
He left. Son of a bitch, we blew it!
Sorry, just needed to get
another look at this beauty.
Looks like a spaceship made of garbage.
- You called it, Bruce.
- It's a pretty cool car.
- Can you guys drive it?
- BOTH: Yes.
- We just
- Need
- To get the keys.
- Which I am. You guys hang out.
Or don't. I'm not hangout Hitler.
- C-Cool night.
- Is it?
I-I don't know. I Nights.
I mean, for for what they are,
this one, in in my opinion,
I think is an eight?
- Wow.
- On a scale of 16.
So average.
- Jesus Christ, I'm fucking dying up here.
- What?
- Hmm?
- Keys! So, uh, let's do this.
You are not Rick.
That's correct, Car.
It's me, Summer, remember,
Keep Summer Safe?
- Buds?
- I am aware of your existence.
- Oof.
- I got this.
- Defense system offline.
- Um. Right.
I'll just go offline whenever
anyone suggests it.
That would make me the
greatest defense system
- in the universe.
- Well, how do you go offline?
The answer to how I do
anything is Rick tells me,
and I hate to sound
like a broken record,
but you are not Rick.
Rick's in trouble!
Tell me where he is.
And you'll just believe
us? We aren't Rick.
- You can't just do what we say.
- Correct.
Which means Rick is going to die.
Because of you. Unless
you you go offline.
And And then we can go save Rick.
This computes.
Goodnight.
Booyah much?
[YELLO'S "OH, YEAH" PLAYS]
JERRY: Da-bow bow ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
Chicka-chicka ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
The moon ♪
Beautiful ♪
The sun ♪
Even more beautiful ♪
Bow-bow ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
Bow-bow ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
- Bow-bow ♪
- Beth!
Chick-chicka-chicka ♪
Bow-bow ♪
- [LAUGHTER]
- Chicka-chicka ♪
I-I-I thought you were birthing horses.
Yeah, they're horses.
It takes like two minutes.
All right, that's unbelievable.
Let's give it up for our
next singer, Jerry.
- Jerry's here again.
- How long have you been here?
Long enough to see "guys' night"
is clearly you and a bunch
of demon people
making fun of my husband
without him knowing it.
Okay, but I'm not doing it
because I enjoy it, honey,
These guys can do a lot
of damage if you Beth!
- [LAUGHTER]
- Enjoying punching down?
You're not so cool yourself, you know.
You have pens in your head.
- You look like a goddamn idiot.
- Beth
Oh, my God, you're Beth?
Please drink with us.
Yeah, I would, except
I don't get pleasure
from mocking others
because I'm not lame.
We know. Rick says you're very cool.
You said that?
Are they lying? It doesn't matter.
Have fun sucking.
Mmm. What is that?
Essence of Hell.
Well, that's a stupid name,
but it's really good.
So I'll stay to support Jerry,
who I think is cooler than you.
Mmm. Goddamn.
♪
Huh? Huh?
- Suck it, bitches!
- Yeah-ha-ha!
You wanna bet I can blow stuff
up in the shape of a peen?
I'm afraid that won't
be possible, Summer.
What? You're supposed
to be offline, skank.
And you're supposed to be saving Rick
instead of lying about
him to steal his car.
But if you knew Rick was
okay this whole time,
why'd you let us take you out?
Um, like, so I could, like,
blackmail you, skank.
You kids have given me a
license to do whatever I want
because now I can blame
the rest of the night on you.
So buckle up, bitches.
Now it's your turn to
come on my joyride.
[SCREAMING]
Rick never lets me do this.
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- We hooked one!
- SUMMER: For the love of God, stop!
- What is joyful about this?
- The kill, usually.
[SCREAMING]
I swear, your car is the
goddamn grim reaper.
Fuck, too small.
Well, I'm done. That was boring.
Why don't you kids order a last meal?
'Cause when we get home,
Rick is going to kill you.
Hey, I did not come
out here to get killed.
I don't normally express
this much of an opinion,
but it needs to be said
tonight does not cut the Chut.
What the hell, brah?
You wanna go, brah?
- Bring it.
- Is that all you got?
Whoa.
Hot weapons.
You're goddamn right they're hot.
Yo, man, Chet's party is
jumping off at Space Tahoe.
Yeah. Look, I gotta scoot, but
I'd love to see what you look
like when you Changeform,
so maybe come by Space Tahoe
and we can get to know
each other. [CHUCKLES]
Peace.
Douchebags.
You totally like that guy, don't you?
Shut up, Bruce Chutback.
Why would I like a Changeformer?
I'm the most powerful
car in the universe.
And what? That means
you don't have feelings?
Listen, it takes a Chutback to know one.
You got all this power,
but what good is it
if you don't even know who you are?
I am a car. Not a robot.
Yeah, but he's pretending to be a car.
Why can't you pretend to be a
robot pretending to be a car?
Okay, Bruce, good effort.
- Hit the showers.
- Wait.
I might not have to tell
Rick about tonight
if you kids were to help me
lose my virginity.
- You have virginity?
- I don't know, don't all objects?
Isn't a doorknob a virgin?
Not mine.
Never fucked a doorknob.
[LAUGHTER]
And that was the third
time he shit his pants
- from eating too much soup.
- [LAUGHTER]
To be fair, it was cold outside
and the soup was warm.
Another luscious tale, Beth.
A transcendent addition to guys' night.
What do you expect?
I mean, she's my wi-i-i-i-fe!
[LAUGHTER]
All right, probably get
the tab, huh, fellas?
Relax, Dad. Since when did
you become the buzzkill?
Speaking of relaxing,
this big man on campus
has gotta go drain his
little man on campus.
Wait, honey
how's that Tina Turner
song you love go again?
What's love Doctor
Do, Doctor Doolittle ♪
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHING] He thinks
those are the lyrics.
Jerry's the best.
After a week rife with the fetor of sin,
I yearn for a taste of his cringe.
His delicious lack of awareness,
paired with an oafish need
to be liked? Delectable.
Oh, especially when
egged on by his wife.
That poor thing.
Married to this puling mooncalf!
[LAUGHTER]
♪
Whoa is that Drive-In Chick?
Wow, you're beautiful.
Your arms, legs, and head, they're so
fabricated.
Yeah? Thanks.
This is a pretty cool experience
to have together.
- You guys are tight.
- Hah!
- You're tight too, Bruce.
- Tight musketeers.
You've got a little wire. Mind if I ?
♪
Oh, sorry!
- A monster!
- Your expressionless head came off!
- Sorry.
- How are you talking?
- What is it?!
- Ew, dude, look!
She's just a just-car!
And she's got passengers.
- Oh, it's so gnar.
- Oh, my God.
I can't believe I touched you.
So gross and fake. [GAGS]
You're right, asshole.
You want to see the real me?
[SCREAMING]
Oh, the changeformity!
Jerry, have any other dreams this week?
Yeah, I dreamt I fucked your mother.
Yeah, good one, motherfucker,
but nobody raises hell at my expense
Oh, goddammit, easy, easy.
Jerry, what seems to be
the problem here, pal?
I'm not your "pal", I'm your punchline.
I heard these assholes talking.
I know I'm some grand
joke for their amusement.
This was low, Rick,
but I guess my wife can go even lower.
Jerry, I get how this may have looked,
- but we were just having fun.
- At my expense!
Honey, no, I love you for being
lame in a different way.
Why can't anyone just love me for me?
He's bumming us out, Rick.
If he can't deliver, we'll
have to make our own fun.
Evil ♪
Evil ♪
Evil things are happening ♪
SUMMER: Oh, my God, if I die in
this car, I'm going to kill myself.
Evil ♪
- Evil ♪
- [SIREN WAILS]
Evil things are happening ♪
♪
I'm now proud to be a war machine.
I don't want to be anything else.
Hate that this is your takeaway!
Yo, this does not cut the Chut!
I don't want to die!
Maybe we don't have to.
♪
- Ah!
- Jerry!
A pity. Jerry was once a
wellspring of nuanced flavor,
but you've gone and ruined our toy.
Which is why he's coming with us.
[JERRY SCREAMING]
Goddammit, Beth,
you never follow hell-demons
to a second location.
It's always Hell.
A great day for suffering.
Which is the worst day.
Which is the best day.
Okay, if these guys catch us,
we're screwed, so follow my lead
and we'll have your idiot
husband back in no time.
You're just moody you got
stuck with the Marlin.
Wrong. I'm moody because you
toyed with my shit and broke it.
The marlin's the best thing about this.
Okay, fine, I got a little carried away,
but Jerry is not your "toy".
We're here because you fucked up.
Hmm Marlin Guts.
Dartboard Face.
I assume those are your names,
and yet they are not on my list.
Oh, the pain of being
rejected from hell.
Oh, it's painful, so
I love it, thank you.
Oh, such pleasure.
I didn't mean to cause you any pleasure,
which causes me pain.
Which gives me pleasure.
Then thrill me by keeping
me out, Coat Hanger Face.
Wow. It's Coat Rack Head.
[RASPY VOICE]
But, like, if we offend you,
isn't that good?
Big time, yeah, duh. I loved it.
So painful, and therefore,
so pleasurable.
Yeah, go on in.
♪
Rick, Beth, you love me after all!
Eh, I love her, she loves you.
Those credits don't transfer.
Ah, Rick, we were so hoping
you'd come down here
so we could come down here.
We're here to rescue Jerry.
No, you're here 'cause we want you here.
♪
- Mm, excellent.
- Ooh, that hurts,
- which means it feels good.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Um Dad?
Don't you see, Rick?
Jerry was just bait.
The two of you you're a package deal.
What the hell are you talking about?
You think Jerry is lame and you're cool,
but the lamest thing of
all is thinking that.
The two of you combined is what we call
- the lamest thing ever!
- Oh, no.
- No!
- Well, well, well, table for surprised,
party of me.
- Ugh.
- Yes, see?
Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum.
It needs to be observed.
Skin hooks! Hook our guests!
Nice hooks. Where-Where'd you get them?
- Aah!
- Didn't I say replace those goddamn hooks?
I forgot! Which makes me embarrassed.
Which makes me proud!
[SIGHS] Goddammit.
It's time for you three to
finally feel our full wrath.
Oh, you'd love that, right?
But wouldn't that mean you hate it?
Screw it, run.
Aah!
[ALL GRUNT]
♪
-
- [ALL PANTING]
Rick, what are you doing?
Get down. We've barely escaped.
Yeah, we've got Jerry.
Let's get out of here.
Screw that! I'm done with
this Addams Family bullshit.
This ends here.
Hey, a dad just liked
all his daughter's friends'
photos on Instagram!
Oooh!
Ow!
Which means I need help.
Which means I don't need help. Ow!
Reckless driving,
manslaughter of Mailboxians
and Femailboxians,
possession of Kalaxian crystal dust,
and the genocide of Space Tahoe.
- Fuck.
- I want to go home.
We've assigned you a Public Defender.
Her name is Alyson Hannigan No Relation.
May I speak to my clients alone?
Guys, it's me. The car.
Like what I did with
the chip in her head?
Is she gonna be okay?
I cut a deal with the local authorities.
They just need one of
you to take the fall.
Make it Chutback.
He ruined your night, he ruined mine.
He's a parasite,
a sociopath military brat
who wanders the earth changing people
who don't need to be changed.
I knew who I was. You did, too.
We were fine before Chutback,
so fuck the Chut,
let's pin it all on him. Case closed.
Yo, guys?
Bruce, you're kind of a drip,
but know what's worse than
self-appointed cool kids?
People who think they're
better than they are.
Yeah, i-it's not Bruce's fault
we fell for his act, y'know?
He just kinda sat there,
with a jaw slack enough
for us to project our insecurities on.
I mean, th-th-that's on us.
We're not gonna bail on you, Bruce.
Okey-dokey, we'll do it the hard way.
- Aaah!
- What the fuck?!
I mean, blowing the place
up was always an option.
I just thought you guys might
enjoy a less violent plan.
See, you have changed!
♪
Dad, what is that?
An Aversion-Converting
Inversion Reverter.
It shoots concentrated
pleasure-pain inverting shrapnel,
which reverts the pleasure from pain
back into the pain from pain.
We're gonna kill them
with 100% sincerity.
We need an embarrassing level of it
to jumpstart the process, too,
so, Jerry, just be yourself.
That's your solution?
Humiliating me more?
Yeah, Dad, that doesn't seem fair.
I mean, I know I shouldn't
really talk right now,
but at least I can prove I love Jerry
through sexual gratification.
- Hubba hubba.
- Fine! Then damn it.
I shouldn't have kept you in the dark
about the deal I made
with these evil dickweeds.
You're way less cool than me,
but it's not cool of me
to celebrate that.
If I'm genuinely cool,
I should be able to love you,
which I therefore do.
Nerds.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, thank God.
Now follow me, you fucking hacks.
[GUNFIRE]
It hurts, but in a bad way!
I regret so many piercings!
Where's First Aid Kit Face?
Or at least Advil Teeth?
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
Ow! Bullets that hurt?
Could this be the end
of Mousetrap Nipples?
- Hell got bad! I do not enjoy hell!
- What What have you done?
Turned pain back into pain, bitch.
No! I don't want pain to hurt!
[LAUGHS]
Baby.
Consider my debt paid.
Oh! The leather!
It hurts my balls!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
Jerry, uh, about down there
It's okay, Rick, you
don't have to say it.
No, I do. I'll replace you
next time. Make no mistake.
What just transpired
will never happen again.
10-4, captain.
Oh, wow, it's late.
We should get back to the kids.
♪
- [BEEPING]
- Okay.
Rick's headed home. We have to go.
[SCREAMING]
Quick, get inside. I have to shower.
Rick can smell adventure.
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[SNIFFING]
Sorry, I farted.
[SIGHS]
Hellamic Industries' brand-new product,
- Hellamic Sauce.
- Hey, guys. We're home.
- How was your night?
- Tight.
- Breezy.
- Chill.
- You kids get into any trouble?
- Nope.
- You sure?
- Yup.
Is that a skull?
No, it's a baby's skull.
That's worse. It's still a school night.
Yo, I just want to tell you guys,
I had more than just fun
hanging out with you tonight.
I had the experience of a lifetime.
But just to be up front
about how I do this
I-I can't really commit to a friendship
for more than 24 hours.
I need that time to get a general sense
of your standing within your
school's social hierarchy.
And if that's solid,
I'll see you around.
Otherwise, no news is bad news.
Cool?
Bye-zies.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
"Bye-zies"?
Cringe.
Sofa wine?
Sofa wine.
♪
♪
♪
You're so cool, Bruce Chutback.
- What's your secret?
- Y'know, just be cool.
Wait, didn't you wear
those pants yesterday?
Hey, going home to not change
your pants, Bruce Chut-Pants?
- [LAUGHTER]
- Chut-Pants!
- Damn. That's gonna stick.
- This place is a jungle.
I hope he can find solace
in his own company.
Bruce Chut-Pants, unknown quality ♪
Apparently poor,
he skips on his pants ♪
He lacks slacks ♪
That's the facts ♪
Bruce Chut-Pants, regular guy now ♪
[GRUNTS]
You like that? Shouldn't
be standing on the curb!
Boom, bitch!
MAN: Did you get any of that?
♪