Sabrina The Teenage Witch s05e05 Episode Script

Please.
Oh, please, please, please, please.
No.
How many times do I have to tell you I will not flamenco dance at the coffee house.
But I need an act to fill up my Friday night showcase.
And when you twirl in your red ruffled skirt you look so Rico Suave.
Sorry, seĂąorita, but I quit flamenco when Queen Isabella caught me fandangoing with Ferdinand.
All right, how about a hula? A hora? A Mexican hat dance? I'll slip a flask of tequila in your sombrero.
I'm late for my gamma ray graduate seminar.
Find another sucker.
Where? Moon River Forget it.
You are not singing at the coffee house.
Okay.
How about comedy? How about juggling? How about putting a sock in it? That's it.
I'll be a mime.
Want to see me do my "trapped in a box"? I thought you'd never ask.
( gasping ) A couple of air holes, please.
♪ Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine ♪ I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
Roxie, what are you doing here? Metabolizing glucose.
I didn't know you were into journalism.
Well, maybe if we ever had a real conversation.
Why spoil what works? I have to get over this whole functional behavior kick.
So what do you want to do for the school paper? The same kind of hard-hitting reporting I did for my high school newspaper.
I did an expose on two seniors that turned out to be white supremacists.
Oh, well, I uncovered a car-jacking ring that was working football games.
And I busted the cafeteria for selling expired yogurt.
Expired yogurt? Yeah, have you ever tasted a carton of moldy strawberry peach? Everybody sit down so we can get started.
Okay, you're all here because you want to write for the Adams Advocate.
If you want to write you have to bring me stories that are provocative and different.
Most of you will just be pestering small businesses to buy ad space.
I didn't come to college to solicit nail salons and pizza joints.
I didn't fight the war on yogurt to wind up with a desk job.
The two of you are already planning your first article.
Why don't you chatterboxes team up? Actually, I prefer to write solo.
I prefer she write solo, too.
Everyone will be writing with a partner.
The two best stories go in the paper.
The rest will go in the trash.
Well, if it's any consolation I heard that Woodward didn't like working with Bernstein.
It's not consolation whatsoever.
( bongos playing ) The endless cycle of naked truth spins yellow.
Madness! It's like crazy, man.
Salem, what are you doing here? Auditioning.
I can't have cats in the coffee house.
But I'm a hep cat.
I hang out in the coffee houses all the time.
You dig? That's deep, daddy-o.
Okay, here's our article.
We go to the Adams College Arts Festival and we interview one of the potters.
There's a news flash-- clay.
Right.
Okay, how about this? We do a story on the lack of public transportation.
I mean, there are never enough buses to get the students from campus to downtown.
Listen to me-- I'm pitching a story about buses.
I've got it.
The pervasive paranoia and depression in American society vis-a-vis the end of human existence as we know it.
Too light and bubbly.
Hilda: Mr.
Wayne Newton, please.
Hilda of Hilda's Coffee House.
Yes, I'll hold.
Danke schoen.
This is going to be so fabulous.
Everybody loves Wayne Newton.
What do you mean he's out of town forever? You tell that pompadoured lounge lizard that he is no Paul Anka.
And that I'm never having his baby.
Who am I going to get now? ( Salem meows ) ♪ I'm the cat in the tutti-frutti hat ♪ ♪ All the pretty senoritas go for that ♪ Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi ( with Cuban accent ): Lucy, how many times I have to tell you-- you can't be in the show.
( imitating Lucy ): But, Ricky! Salem, you really think college girls are going to go for cats in South American drag? I do all right.
Now be honest-- am I any worse than the other acts you saw today? No, and you were definitely better than the gangsta gynecologist but I still can't book you.
Don't want to book me.
Don't split hairs, okay? I still have a headache from Notorious G.
Y.
N.
Aunt Zelda, Roxie and I have to write a hot article for the Adams Advocate.
Any ideas? As a matter of fact I just heard something very exciting.
I knew you'd be a big help.
New measurements of deuterium at the center of the Milky Way confirm theoretical models that deuterium a heavy isotope of hydrogen containing one proton and one neutron is primordial.
That's been done to death.
So what did your aunt say? Let's just be glad we're not in her Physics class.
Let's face it, we have no story.
We're never going to get on the paper.
Okay, Bye.
Out of my way.
I am late for something important.
Let me guess-- emergency mustache bleaching? Don't be ridiculous.
Pumpkin facial.
All the rushees in my sorority are giving them to the actives.
Then they're polishing our pearls.
Don't you hate being saddled with a brain? Wait a minute.
That's it.
That's our article.
Smart people? No, no, no, no.
Sororities.
Shallow people.
Right.
And yet most girls would do anything to join a sorority.
Why would shallow people want to connect so badly with other shallow people? We'll ask Morgan the next time we see her.
You don't get it.
Our story is-- "Sorority Girls-- Society's Lost Souls.
" Pampered pearls pathetic.
I like it.
Thank you.
Here's what I propose.
We get the scoop by going undercover as sorority rushees.
Me in a sweater set and pleated skirt? I can't think of anything more ridiculous.
Don't you dare tell anyone you ever saw me in a sweater set.
Okay, but it's going to cost you.
Cute outfit.
Great.
They think I'm one of them.
Good.
Now let's see if we can sound like them.
Talk about your summer.
I got Lyme disease.
We're gonna have to work on that.
Hi.
I'm Mindy Shivley, Rush Chairman for Mu Pi.
( chiming ) Hi.
I'm Roxie.
This is Sabrina We're so incredibly excited to be here and meet you and meet everybody and say hello and see the house and rush, and gosh, it's all so exciting.
I don't know what to say.
Uh, maybe you should take it down a notch.
( chimes ) Hey, Sabrina.
I'm glad you decided to rush.
Oh, what are you doing here? Believe me, I'm asking myself the same question.
What she means is, she can't wait for the first pajama party.
Could I please have everyone's attention? I'd like to welcome all the rushees.
That's us.
Look alive.
And a special thanks to Hope and Bethany for providing these delicious but oh-so-naughty cinnamon snaps.
Ooh, suck-ups.
Why didn't we think of that? And now, to get us into the Mu Pi spirit why don't we all sing the Mu Pi song? I'd rather have a colonoscopy.
I think they save that for the big Spring Mixer.
♪ Mu Pi peaches from the desert to the beaches ♪ We always aim to please And we love our wine and cheese.
( playing jazz riff ) Oh, you're fantastic.
I'm putting you in Friday night at 9:15.
Maybe 9:20.
It depends when the Israeli guy finishes reading Jabberwocky.
That's great, but I can't agree to anything until you talk to my agent.
Salem Saberhagen, C.
A.
T.
? "Creative Acts and Talent.
" He's handling a lot of performers from the other realm.
Salem is a convicted felon.
He can't be an agent.
Well, I suppose he could.
I really think Salem's going to boost my career.
Maybe you'll be the next Morty Ponder? Who? Exactly.
These cinnamon snaps are awesome.
Enough with the cookies.
We've got an article to write.
Let's go expose some airheads.
Let's do sound check.
Testing one, two, three.
Four, five six.
We're live.
Victoria's got a new secret.
Let's split up.
Roger that.
But lets meet at the cinnamon snaps in an hour.
Will you stop with the cinnamon snaps? Hi.
I'm Sabrina.
I'm Lynn.
Are you as excited as I am at rushing Mu Pi? Ecstatic.
I hear more Mu Pi's graduate with engagement rings than any other house.
That's why you're here? To meet a husband? Yeah, aren't you? No.
My education comes first.
I want to do well in school so I can have a successful career.
Which will make you even more attractive to your future husband.
I don't mean to sound judgmental but isn't that a little shallow? So, long story short-- my parents and I argued all year about which Mercedes they should buy me.
I'm sure you can relate.
Actually, I'm on a scholarship.
I live at home and take the bus which isn't bad but sometimes there's a bus shortage.
Bus shortage? A smart person would have written an article about that.
So what are you looking forward to most about being a Mu Pi? Like, doing your toenails with the other girls or highlighting each other's hair? Actually, I want to get involved in their Volunteer America program.
Oh, where you volunteer to give manicures to the less fortunate? Um, no, where they feed the homeless and read to the blind.
I was afraid of that.
So you're into horses? There's a surprise.
I'll bet you've got the boots, the jodhpurs and that little whippy thing.
No, I intern doing equestrian riding therapy for disabled children.
But you wear a silly bonnet, right? Come on give me something.
I've got nothing here.
Boy, are we out of luck.
Tell me about it.
This is the last cinnamon snap and Bethany is not parting with that recipe.
I'm talking about the story.
We don't have one.
These girls are great.
What they do is great.
So we'll do a different story.
We'll write about how nice and sweet these sorority girls really are.
I'd rather solicit pizza parlors.
You may get your wish.
It was nice meeting you, two.
I guess I'll see you both on Thursday night.
Oh, what's Thursday night? Study night.
We meet here at 8:00.
How precious.
We all get together and do our homework.
Oh not quite.
we all get together and do the senior's homework.
What? Isn't that cheating? If you don't do it, you don't get into Mu Pi.
Bye.
I think we got our story.
A homework cheating ring? This is big.
This is really big-- like really, really, really, really big.
FYI, when we write the article, I'm in charge of adjectives.
This is huge.
We're talking front-page stuff here.
I mean, with this article we could change the course of history.
Newsman: It's News On the March.
World menace taken down! Sabrina Spellman and Roxie King win the Pulitzer Prize for blowing the lid off decades-old cheating ring.
We caught these dames red-handed.
It's bye-bye, Mu Pi.
Say, fellas, get a load of these gams.
Roxie: Sabrina, is there any particular reason you're showing me your thighs? Oh, uh yeah, I've been working out a lot lately.
Let's start working out our plan to bust Mu Pi.
All we have now is hearsay.
True.
We will not be able to write word one until we have evidence, witnesses and quotes.
So our mission on Thursday is to come back and gather all the hard facts.
Yeah.
We'll call on the boys from the precinct.
We'll throw these peaches in a paddy wagon and you and I'll put on the Ritz and paint this town red.
I'll tell you what-- I'll do the writing you jitterbug for the troops.
Hilda, sweetheart, I love you, you know that but I only have so much wiggle room on this guitarist.
I'm getting pressured from all sides.
What sides?! It's you and a couple of business cards you printed up at Kinko's.
Why do you even want to be an agent anyway? You wouldn't let me perform so now I have to sponge off the talent of others.
My client gets ten grand a night, take it or leave it.
It's a showcase.
Performers work for tips! Okay! Two bucks and a can of Starkist, and that is my final offer.
Shh! I'm on the phone with the coast.
Jeffrey! Steven? David?! I can't believe I got all three of you boychicks on the line! There's no one on the line.
At the end of the day, who's going to remember? I will.
I have had it with you! I've had it with you! I've had it with both of you.
This has gone on long enough.
Okay, here's the deal.
Your guitarist gets ten bucks a show.
Salem gets a fish stick.
If it's a packed house, a side of tartar sauce.
Fine.
All right.
Let's close this thing.
I've got a lunch with the Budweiser ferret.
Did you put in fresh batteries? Yeah, I'm packing two Ds, and believe me that is the first time I've ever said that.
Hey, Sabrina.
Hey, Roxie.
Welcome to study night.
Here are your assignments.
Sabrina, you're going to be doing Karen's homework.
Roxie, you're going to be doing mine.
But I don't know anything about the Punic Wars.
Neither do I.
That's why we keep a comprehensive file of all the papers ever written at Adams.
Um, so what you're saying, Mindy T.
Sheibley is that in order for us to become Mu Pi members ( clicking ) we have to do your What's that? What? That clicking-- it sounds like it's coming from your top.
Uh, it is coming from my top jaw.
I have click-jaw.
In high school, they used to call me "Click-jaw McGraw.
" Now, back to us doing your homework.
Yeah, Mindy T.
Sheibley.
Oh! What is this? Oh! Oh, my gosh! My pacemaker fell out.
I am so suing that heart surgeon.
It's a tape recorder.
What are you doing with a tape recorder? That's a very good question.
And she has a very good answer.
Yeah, I do.
I use it uh, you know, in my classes to tape my lectures.
It's so small and comfortable, I almost forget I'm wearing it.
Hey, Felice, look at this.
I-I know it looks strange, but Oh, that is so adorable.
Strangely adorable.
I love it.
And it goes with your shoes.
And you never want to break up a set.
Now, can you please give it back to her? Sure, right after I show it to Bethany.
Check it out! Excuse me.
I need that back.
You know, it's not a toy.
Okay, family heirloom.
It's very fragile.
Oh, I have to have one of these.
Where's the "play" button? I want to hear how it sounds.
Oh, no, you don't.
Why not? Because Tell them, Roxie.
Because if you hear what it sounds like you won't be surprised later when you get your own.
Excuse us.
That was close.
Are you securely fastened now? Yeah.
Ready for takeoff.
Hey, Lynn.
Hi, Nancy.
Sabrina.
How's it going? Oh, not so great-- can you believe these girls expect us to do their homework? It's a drag.
But if we want in, we have no choice.
Well, we could join a different sorority or not join one at all.
I have to join.
It's the one chance I'll ever have in life to fit in.
Four generations of women in my family have been Mu Pi's.
If I don't join, I'll be the black sheep.
So is it fair to say that the Mu Pi sorority is taking advantage of your family pressure, Lynn and your total lack of self-esteem, Nancy? Well, you don't have to put it like that.
Well, I just feel like doing the Mu Pi sisters' homework is not only wrong but completely unethical.
I guess, but on the upside the house does do a lot of positive work in the community.
Plus, we get to make a lot of really good friends, like you and Roxie.
Me and Roxie? Yeah.
We would never have met you guys if we hadn't decided to rush.
You're really nice.
I mean, you're super-nice.
Thanks.
I think the "super" part might be pushing it, but Well, you know we better get started on this homework.
With any luck, I'll have time to do my own.
Well, I've got all I need.
Mu Pi is going to fry.
This is definitely going to put us on staff.
We'll be editors by the end of the year.
I don't want to write this story.
What are you talking about? Well, a lot of people could get hurt or kicked out of college.
I didn't hot-wire my bra so you could back out at the last minute.
This is journalism-- you write the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
But what if the chips destroy somebody? I think I'm beginning to understand who Sabrina Spellman is.
You can't handle the truth! I can handle the truth! I just can't handle the guilt.
Roxie, We have to consider the ramifications.
These girls could get thrown out of school then their parents may never talk to them again and then what's going to happen to the kids? I mean, you saw Girl, Interrupted-- murder, mayhem major box office disappointment.
I'm sure there's a valid point in there somewhere.
On the other hand, if we want to be responsible journalists we have to make the tough calls.
Whatever call we make, we better do it fast.
We've got a deadline.
But if we don't write the article we could wake up one day with no careers living in lousy apartments and kick ourselves for not taking advantage of a great opportunity.
Ultimately, we have to ask ourselves what do we want to be, compassionate but broke or gutsy, living in penthouses overlooking Central Park? Are we writing the article or not? Yes or no? Ask me in an hour.
Sabrina: "Any way you slice it "the Mu Pi cheating scandal "taints not only the sorority itself "but the entire Greek system.
"It is incumbent upon us "to abolish these outdated hazing practices and return the true spirit of sisterhood to our sororities.
" Brilliant.
That's what we're handing in.
I think we made the right decision.
And if you change your mind, I've got it on tape.
Hi.
You came home just to eat my breakfast? That and I'm looking for someone to write my paper on Hemingway.
What is there to say about a model-turned-actress? I'm pretty sure they meant Ernest.
What happened? I thought your little Mu Pi lackeys were handling your academic needs.
Oh, didn't you hear? Some Goody Two-shoes named Lynn rallied all the other rushees to take a stand against the homework thing.
They're not doing it.
You're kidding! The Boston Times does not kid.
Somebody obviously talked.
I'm glad you two weren't involved.
Oh, by the way, next time don't get powdered-- it sticks to my lip gloss.
"Cheating scandal exposed at Adams sorority.
Rushees launch protest and stand up for themselves.
" Let me see that.
Do you know why the women of Mu Pi stood up for themselves? Because of me, Sabrina Spellman.
I made an impact.
I reached out to those girls, and I touched their lives.
You touched my life, too.
I did? How? Thanks to you, I've got no story.
The Boston Times scooped us, and now we've got nothing.
Wow, you're right.
Um, what should we do? Sabrina, you should have thought about that before you took all night to make up your mind.
If we had come right home and written the story we would've made last night's deadline and scooped the Times.
Is that all that you care about, the glory? I don't want glory; I just want credit for the work that I put in.
You have the credit-- the credit is knowing in your heart you made a difference.
Let me ask you something.
When you wrote those hard-hitting stories in high school what was the point? To nail the white supremacists or to get your name on the front page? Okay.
Maybe it's good that they did the right thing and that we're the ones that inspired them.
I think in the long run, we're going to be very proud of what we did.
I hate it when you're right.
I love it when I'm right.
And one good thing did come out of this.
If you mention cinnamon snaps again, I'll wring your neck.
What I was going to say was that we discovered the two of us make a pretty good team.
Yeah, I guess we do.
Unfortunately, we still have no story.
Well, I'll tell you what we do have: two plaid skirts we'll never wear again; two stretched-out bras; and, uh, the recipe for those things I'm not supposed to mention.
Hey.
Great news.
You're looking at Sabrina Spellman, college reporter.
Roxie and I made the paper! That's fantastic, honey.
What'd you end up writing about? We did an entertainment review.
The journalism teacher said she loved it's hard-hitting honesty.
Well, that's wonderful.
What's wonderful? Uh, nothing you'd be interested in.
Well, let me see.
( gasps ) I see the name Sabrina in a byline.
"Coffeehouse Showcase-- Grounds For Staying Home.
"Every Friday night "Hilda serves up hot coffee "and lukewarm entertainment.
"The debut was a travesty "from the 'Jabberwocky'-reading paratrooper to the tone-deaf singing ferret.
" Thank you.
The kid was just nervous.
It was his first time on stage.
I can't believe you trashed my showcase.
How could you do this to me? You've ruined my reputation.
Keep reading.
"Although the talent was subpar "the lovely hostess Hilda Spellman "was a cup of pure delight-- warm, inviting and charming to the last drop.
" Sabrina, this is great.
Did you read this? Yeah, I wrote it.
Charming to the last drop but one bean short of a pound.