Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e05 Episode Script

(Birds chirp, car rumbles) David, what time is Patrick's housewarming tonight? Hmm, you'll have to ask him.
He told me he doesn't want my help, so I'm just gonna play the supportive partner, and watch him fail.
Okay, it's just that if Ted and I are gonna be fashionably late, we need to know when it starts.
Jocelyn: There you are, Alexis! (Laughs) - Good morning, Roses.
- Jocelyn, Roland.
Look at you, positively flushed with motherly glow.
We've just been running around looking for Alexis.
That's so sweet; what's up? Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you? I don't think that was me.
Well, our babysitter for tonight just canceled on us, and we were gonna have dinner, and uh, a couples massage.
But unfortunately, the couple that massages us can only do it once a month, so Hmm, no.
Um well, I totally would think about it, but I have a housewarming thing tonight.
Jocelyn and Roland: Ohhh David? Is Patrick also going to that housewarming party? Patrick's throwing the party, unfortunately.
Well Rollie, we're just gonna have to cancel.
Because we have asked literally everyone.
(Groans) Oh, jeez.
Thanks anyways, Roses.
- (Roland groans) - Moira: Sorry.
Well, that was weird.
Seriously.
A nighttime couples massage, what is this, 1985?! No! They asked everyone at the table except us, we're sitting right here! They're not going to ask someone of your age, John.
We raised two kids.
"Raised" might be a stretch.
Our nursery was in a different wing of the house.
- It was a design flaw.
- I'm a light sleeper.
John, you're not still working on that cumbersome laundry hamper? I told you, it's a playpen, Moira.
I was hoping you were joking.
No.
After Roland and Jocelyn's little oversight this morning, I took it upon myself to offer our services.
Why in God's name would you do that?! It's a principle thing.
Roland and Jocelyn don't think we can take care of a kid.
That's an argument I'm willing to lose.
So now I have go to Ronnie's by myself.
What? I told you, the Lifetime Network is re-airing the movie I did with Joyce DeWitt.
Remember? "Not Without My Cousin.
" And Ronnie's TV gets that channel, I told you this, John! Or at least I'm telling you now.
Okay, well then, have fun.
I'm more than capable of looking after this kid myself.
John, my sweet husband.
We have nothing to prove as parents.
We did our best for our children.
Yeah, we were there most weeknights.
For at least a couple of hours.
Unless we were out for the evening.
Yeah, or jetting around.
Or if it was a really long day.
Yeah, no, no, I'm not the least bit concerned, Moira.
(Knocking) Besides, if Roland can look after a baby, anyone can.
Hey, Jocelyn.
- Jocelyn: Hi, Johnny.
- Roland: Hi, Johnny.
Jocelyn: Thank you so much, Johnny, it just would've never occurred to us to ask you.
Are you sure you're up for this? Oh, he'll be fine, honey, And if he does find himself completely lost, and believe me, he will, he will have the baby binder to hold his hand.
Right here, Johnny.
Okay, well, here goes nothing.
- Yeah.
- I don't know why, I'm just I'm having a hard time letting go.
I've got him.
I've got him, Jocelyn.
- Oh, okay, okay.
- Well, I know why.
It's because you don't trust the guy, and believe me, I don't either, but we're in this now, so try not think about it.
Okay Wow, Moira.
Looking so elegant for a night of babysitting.
Just dressed to the nines in choking hazards.
Sadly, Jocelyn, I won't be here this evening to intercede.
Oh wow, so it's just gonna be Johnny, alone with our precious miracle baby? Uh honey, come on, we're gonna be late for our massage.
You know Ron and Linda like to do those stretches before they get us on the table, so I'll be thinking about all of you during my massage.
No, no need for that, Roland.
Okay Johnny, just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Jocelyn: Love you! - What? - Whoop! Whoop! - (Door slams) - Boop boop be boop! (Bird caws) (Sighs) (Sighs heavily) Wow.
What are those? These are party shots.
- Hmm - You ever had one before? No, nope.
Fine, once.
Twice.
Fine, I had a tray in Cancun.
Okay, well they kinda go with my overall theme of a good old-fashioned high school slumber party, so.
Mhmm, I still don't know why you were so quick to dismiss my theme idea.
Where is anybody gonna find glass-blown Venetian masks around here? Besides, people are kind of excited about the high school idea.
Okay.
Walk me through the high school idea.
Models and teen actors are just gonna lounge around in their bras and thongs, and take Polaroids of themselves all night? What was your high school experience like? What was yours like? Besides, where are we going to find a salad bowl of E this last minute? You know, I think this could be kind of a a fun opportunity for you to rewrite your past a little bit.
Mhmm.
It's just that my parents have spent like, an astounding amount of money on therapy to try to do that already.
So forgive me for not wanting to run back into the fire.
What happened to you? Nothing, really, I just didn't like it.
(Gasps) - Mm.
Okay.
Oh.
- Yeah.
(Slurps) You might have to make more of those.
- That's right.
- That's very nice.
(Dog barks) (Keys jingle) (Ted sighs) (Keys jingle) Honey, I'm home.
Oh, shouldn't I be the one saying that? A little something to celebrate the end of the week.
- Yeah - Whoop! Uh, except it's Neuterpalooza week at work, and I still have two days of spaying and neutering ahead of me.
Oh, let's stop saying "neutering", 'cause it's killing my buzz! This is so silky.
Yeah, it's my dad's housecoat from storage.
I was thinking we could go as Hef, R.
I.
P.
, and a Playboy Bunny.
Isn't the theme high school slumber party? It is.
My best friend, Summer, used to date Hef in high school, which isn't as weird as it sounds, 'cause he was like, a very young 77.
Uh okay, don't be mad, but Ted, no! I have to perform surgery on people's pets like, first thing in the morning.
Why'd you have to pick this weekend? You know how much I always look forward to Patrick's house parties.
Isn't this his first one? Okay, fine.
I guess I'll just finish my drink, and wander over there dressed like this, and see what happens.
Well, I mean, maybe you don't need to leave just yet.
Snip, snip, Mr.
Mullens! I was just hoping you could make an exception.
Let loose for one night.
Next time.
I promise.
(Crickets chirp) Moira: Well, I'm off.
(Baby cries) All right, have fun, sweetheart.
You realize the bebe is crying.
I do, yes.
Isn't it scheduled to be dormant by now? I'll figure it out, Moira.
- You have the binder.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Ooh! I think I just found the issue.
It might be in the diaper.
Oh, it was the bebe.
I'm so relieved! Yeah, I think they left extra diapers.
They assumed we'd take care of it.
You wanna grab the rubber gloves? They're Tom Ford, John, no! And they wouldn't fit you anyway.
The cleaning gloves under the sink! Oh! Yes.
(Baby wails) (Groans) And, there.
Oh, it looks like Jocelyn's left you some nice chapter tabs.
Uh, it's saying here that you should wipe counter-clockwise direction, ah flip it, if you can flip it.
- The baby? - It doesn't say.
Honestly, Moira, just go! I'll be fine.
I'm not sure you will be, John.
It's not like the old days when we could just call Adelina, and have her rush home from her daughter's wedding.
You're gonna miss your screening.
I'll go after the first commercial break.
That's when the action happens anyway, when my cousin and I begin our backpack through Lebanon.
What else does the binder say? Oh my God, John! Don't forget to wash its hands! Okay.
(Dog barks) Okay, my turn.
Ahem! Hmm, never have I ever pretended to be a pizza delivery person so I could get into Jared Leto's Halloween party.
You're a bitch.
My mom was engaged to two pizza delivery guys.
Can that count? 'Cause I am really thirsty.
Stevie! Uh, um Never have I ever Sorry, I'm just trying to think of something - I haven't done.
- Okay.
How long did you envision this game going on for? Because never have I ever been so bored.
Aw, I'm sorry, David, when I suggested the game, I didn't expect that you'd be drinking quite so much.
Eating out of the garbage? Okay, I did that in front of you last night.
Now, as a participant, if we don't change the game soon, - I'm gonna get very drunk.
- Oh.
- (Knocking) - Yep? - Hey! (Laughing) - All: Oh! There he is! Yay! God, what are you doing here? Hey, sweetie.
You were right, we deserve a night out.
So, I just pushed all my morning appointments.
Which will be fine, I guess, it just means that I'll be staying up 'til 1:00 A.
M.
on a Saturday, spaying with a pretty shaky hand.
Mm, that's so cute.
What can I get you to drink? Oh no, don't worry about that.
After you used all of my booze for your punch, the only alcohol left in my fridge was a few of your rum, raspberry, coconut coolers.
So I polished them off, and it tasted like burnt plastic, and I regretted it instantly.
Woman: Hi, Ted! Only you would wear a little robe, and little slippers to a high school slumber party.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is just so that I didn't get cold on the way over.
- All right! - (Partygoers cheer) What is the game, because I'm up! Ohh! Wow.
- Oh! - Okay Ted: Twyla! I'm not sure if it's just the punch, but he could get it! Stevie, that's disgusting.
Ted, can I get you a party shot? - Cool! - Okay.
- David? - Wow.
- Yeah.
- We have orange - I'll take that.
- Yellow (Blows a kiss) Hey! Do you wanna put Emir away for a hot sec, so this game can keep going, and the party can end soon? Oh, I'm good.
I don't wanna kiss anyone here.
My sister's sitting in the circle, You think I'm dying to play? Thank you very much.
(Sighs) (Alexis claps) (Gasps) Ohh! (Gasps) Oh! (Laughs) Okay! Babe, did you rig this? Maybe I did, and maybe I did! - Ooh! - (Laughs) - Okay, go crazy, babe.
- Mhmm.
All right, who's the lucky lady? - That's offensive.
- Okay, anyway, re-spin! Yeah, it actually looks like it sorta landed - between two people.
- No, no, no, no! I know exactly who it landed on.
Oh, Ted! That's not okay.
Man, come here, big guy! - Mmmph! - Partygoers: (Shocked gasps) Muah! (Laughs) Oh my (bleep) God.
(Partygoers laugh) It looks like the punch needs a refill.
Oh hey, I could use a refill too, big guy.
Okay, I don't know where "big guy" is coming from, but it needs to stop.
Um, I don't know about you, but I smell drama.
Twyla: Okay, my turn! Moira: (In movie) You know Helen, despite everything Oh, if it weren't for Joyce Dewitt insisting on wearing those pigtails, this movie could've been a hit! We're supposed to be astrophysicists, it just takes you out of it.
And yet, she, she gets the close up! - Well, that was shocking.
- I know, right? And I get the aerial shot for my love scene.
No, no, I'm talking about the kid.
To think this little thing could create so much destruction.
Oh, you've completed the diaper substitution.
Aren't you the Sephardic Mr.
Clean! Well, I did the kid, but I'm not doing the bathroom.
It appears you may need a change yourself, Mr.
Rose.
What is that on your shoulder? Oh Moira, he spit up on me.
(Baby gurgles) And he's spit up in the playpen! Ew! That cannot be good, John! Its body is ejecting things, what did you do to it?! Nothing! I-I changed his diaper, that's all.
Well, perhaps you've swaddled its abdomen too tightly, Or maybe it's allergic to something.
John, did you feed it shellfish? What did you do?! I've gotta wipe him up, and change his clothes again.
For all we know, it's got crawling pneumonia.
Oh, he doesn't have crawling pneumonia, Moira! I don't want to say I told you so, but this is an infelicitous burden.
I could be at Ronnie's right now, preparing for the post-screening Q&A.
Well then, go to Ronnie's! Because I've gotta get him a change of clothes.
Well, at least put the gloves back on.
John, it says right here, spitting up is normal.
Jocelyn's written, "Spit happens.
" Very clever.
For Jocelyn.
(Moira's talks in movie) Partygoers: (Grunting noises) Oh my God, they just need to chill.
David: Okay, I'm done.
Who chose this theme, anyway? It was a mistake.
(Sighs) What are you guys doing over here? You remind me of me at a high school house party judging all the attractive and popular kids for being attractive and popular.
David, do you have anything you wanna say - to me and Patrick? - Actually, yes.
Now, as an attractive and popular kid at a house party, I can confidently say, - it's very fun.
- That's it? That's all you have to say? What's going on here? Mm, things got effed, and we're not having fun anymore.
For what it's worth, I'm having a great time.
You're like a tsetse fly.
Where's your cell phone boyfriend? - On my cell phone.
- Okay.
You're not having fun? I don't know David, sure.
What exactly did I do wrong here? Oh, I don't know.
David, mmm, was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? I think it was the time you kissed her boyfriend.
Okay, he kissed me! And I was just told to have some fun.
So I played the game.
I'm sorry that the bottle landed on me.
Hm, technically it landed between you and Stevie, so.
Yeah.
Okay, so you're upset about this as well, then? - Looks like it.
- Patrick: No, I'm not! I'm not upset.
I just, I guess I wonder how you would react if the tables were turned.
Yeah David, like, what would you do if Patrick and I suddenly kissed at a party? - Yeah.
- Or Patrick and me.
Okay, we're done with you.
It was spin the bottle! If Patrick was wasted, and spun the bottle, and it landed on you, and you guys kissed, - I wouldn't care.
- You're lying, David.
Okay, is that what needs to happen to clear the air here? You guys need to kiss? - David, let's not be dramatic.
- Yeah, maybe it does.
- What? - Well, by all means.
I think it's actually more the principle of the thing - Okay, here we go.
- Hmm! - (Sighs) - Is that really Uh huh.
Mmm! Mmmm! (Smooching sounds) Mmmmmmmm! Yum.
That was fun.
Hey, are we spinning more bottles? Uh, was that fun for you guys? - That like, satisfying? - I was never not okay.
So.
It was really good for me.
I say we play truth or dare.
Oh Stevie, I'm in! Oh no, Ted.
Get your housecoat and your other slipper.
It is time to go.
- You got it, big guy.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Good game! (Crickets chirp) Look at him.
Awful peaceful when he's sleeping.
(Moira talks in movie) Well, we did it, sweetheart.
And, uh what do you think we've learned here today? That Adelina was grossly underpaid.
No, I mean, we could've been good, hands-on parents if we wanted to.
We've got it in us.
That was never in question, John.
I'm even more convinced that our hands-off approach served them better.
Moira: (In movie) I'll go, but not without my cousin! That had its moments.
When it shone, it shone brightly.
And I have to hand it to DeWitt.
She had a real breakthrough during the denouement.
I believe she believed we were cousins.
(Soft knocking) - John? - (Snoring) - (Light taps) - (TV shuts off) - Roland: Oh, hello! - Moira: Shh! Shh! Shh! - Greet what?! - Shh! - What? - I just put him down! Oh my gosh, you got little Roland Jr.
to sleep? Oh no, I'm talking about John.
Oh.
No, Roland's been asleep for quite some time.
And everything was fine? No major problems? He is a slice of meringue, Jocelyn.
You know, I don't know if uh I'm just all zen'd out from an hour and a half of Linda's magic fingers on me, but I can actually see myself leaving Roland Jr.
With you people more often.
Ah! Well, that something Linda might want to massage right out of your mind, the next appointment.
I actually have Ron the next time, we like to mix it up a little bit.
And with that, I believe your little inchling is out past its curfew.
Oh, you get the binger, I'll get the baby.
Okay.
Ohh, jeez.
Look at him.
You know, I almost think I like him better asleep than awake.
- (Johnny grunts) - He's on my side.
Bye bye.
- (Door slams) - What? Oh, shh! (Garbage bag rustles) (Garbage clatters) Ahem! I'm just gonna take the garbage out.
Okay.
Yeah, and if I don't come back, it's probably because I've run off with Ted.
Thanks for the heads up.
We're just gonna go for a ride, see where it takes us.
Maybe start a vet clinic somewhere along the way.
He'll the animals back to heath, I'll offer grooming services.
Okay, you know what? Maybe I overreacted for a second.
I was just talking to Alexis, and we sorta wound each other worked up.
- And Stevie didn't help.
- Stevie never helps.
So I didn't love seeing my boyfriend kissing some other guy.
I'm sorry, are you saying you were jealous? David, I'm not playing this game with you.
No, you just said you didn't like seeing your boyfriend kissing another guy.
Okay, fine.
He's a handsome guy.
I might've been a little jealous.
So, you think he's handsome then? What? (Sighs) He's like-he goes to the gym.
- Goes to the gym? - Oh my God.
Wow, okay, so when you said you were jealous, were you saying you were jealous of him, or jealous of me? Because I thought you were saying you were jealous of him.
Both? Not the answer I was looking for.
Hey.
Mhmm? I wonder what would've happened - if we had met in high school.
- Hmm.
Well, unless you were into candy ravers with asymmetrical haircuts and a lot of pacifier necklaces, I think our paths crossed at the right time.
How jealous, though? Why don't you take out the garbage? - How jealous were you? - Nope! Scale of one to ten.
- Like, enraged, or - Bye, bye.
Like fuming, did you sweat? - That was fun.
- Yes - That was really fun.
Did you have fun? - Yes.
- Did everyone had fun? - Yes, Ted.
That's good, it's good that everyone had fun.
Okay, you still have your slippers on, Yeah, I know, sometimes my feet get really cold - when I drink too much.
- It's not a thing.
- Okay, well, gimme a kiss.
- No! You kissed my brother tonight, I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother.
Pffft! Who kissed your brother? Okay, it's time for "Fun Ted" to just pass out.
No, he's not even tired.
In fact, if anything, I'd say he's only becoming more fun.
Okay.
Okay! Okay! Okay! I think we should just like, sleep it off.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
But first just give your brother a kiss.
- Ew, Ted, Ew! - Come on.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! That's you.