Spin City s05e05 Episode Script

Why are you so jumpy? I haven't been to church in years.
God's gonna smite me.
We're dedicating this church as a historic landmark.
So deal with it, sinner boy.
This is important to the mayor.
Can't we just slap a plaque on this sucker and bolt? I can't sit in the front row.
I don't know the routine.
Me neither.
Let's make a run for it.
Just follow my lead.
Welcome.
Let us begin with the responsorial.
Lord, look upon us with mercy.
We pray for our loved ones who have passed on.
We pray for our great mayor.
Dropped the rule book.
So you're Angie, the new assistant.
I was wondering if anyone's told you about the traditional new-employee bubble bath.
Not yet, but I assume you're involved.
Well, I am the bath master.
Good morning, Angie.
I see you've met Stewart.
And don't think the tie goes with that desk.
Let's start.
We got a lot to talk about today.
Could we talk about the new girl? I think she's a keeper.
As you all know, the mayor had a few problems at yesterday's church service, including asking the priest, "what's a guy like you make?" $32,500.
In two weeks, the mayor's attending a mass with the new bishop, and he needs a religious refresher course.
I can help.
No, you can't.
Why not? You're evil.
Right.
I sing with the gay men's choir.
We play some church gigs.
Can anyone beat the gay singing thing? My wife, Claudia, teaches religion at a catholic school.
The nuns just love her.
Let's use Paul's idea.
Schedule it for 1:00.
Hey, good morning.
Blind man walking.
Can someone help me? Yes, sir, I can help.
You must be here for the coalition for the visually impaired sight challenge conference.
What tipped you off? Hello! My name is Paul.
I'm blind Not deaf.
He pushed me.
Hey.
You want some of this? Come here! What's going on?! Sorry, he started it! I am so sorry about this.
I hope there's some way I could make it up to you.
I don't know.
I'm pretty shaken up.
How about a little lunch, get to know each other? Well, I'm kind of seeing someone.
What's that, a joke seeing someone? It's just one date.
Come on.
Okay, okay, I'll do it.
Great! And, really, how often do you get to go out with a 6'4" blind guy? Hey, Nancy boy, take me to the snack room.
Today we have a special treat.
The mayor and the deputy mayor are joining our class.
We're going to learn the story of Jonah and the whale.
Mrs.
lassiter, how do whales breathe? That's a very good question.
Through their blowholes.
Mr.
mayor Is there something you'd like to share with the class? No.
What's a blowhole? Charlie, shut your blowhole.
Children, please.
We are already behind the other classes.
What kind of a whale was it? Humpback.
Please stop it.
"Humpback" is not funny! Ooh, you're in trouble.
Am not.
So How was your blind date? Ha! He's had to go to the bathroom for an hour, but he didn't want to miss out on saying that to you.
So, how was it? He forgot about some meeting and he left early.
So you're off the hook.
Come on, how often do you get to go out with a 6'4" blind guy? Ned? Uh-oh, meet me in the snack room.
What's going on here? You beg me to go to lunch with you, and then you lied and blew me off? It's nothing personal.
It's just, you know, you, uh You weren't fun.
Sorry, toots.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're only 5'6"! Caitlin, he's blind! Oh, yeah.
And you're blind! Thanks, Carter.
Could I talk to you for a minute? Sure.
Pull up any tiny chair.
The mayor and I are really sorry about what happened today.
I guess religion makes us a little nervous.
I hope you're not too upset.
So we're cool? Don't cry.
Help! I'm a terrible teacher.
I should quit.
With kids like me and the mayor in your class, you don't stand a chance.
We're bad apples.
How about a drink? Wa-wa watermelon? Cr-r-r-r-azy kiwi? It's just, you know, all my life I wanted to serve the church and help people, and even if I could reach one person, I'd feel fulfilled, but I can't even do that! What are you talking about? You've helped me.
How? Before today, it's like religion is here and I'm here.
And after your class, religion's still here, but now I'm here.
And that's all you.
You're just saying that.
Claudia, seeing how dedicated you are is inspiring.
You obviously have a calling.
If teaching isn't right for you in the church, try something else.
Maybe altar lady.
Thank you, Charlie.
That's really sweet.
The mayor wanted me to assure you that he's learned his lesson.
Hello, Charlie, this is God.
The mayor wants to go home now.
Stewart, my trip to church yesterday got me thinking about spirituality, and I realize that, well I don't have any.
And at this point in my life, I need to believe in something.
Golf isn't enough? And I need someone to help me on that journey.
So let me ask you, do you ever wonder what it's all about? No.
Do you ever wonder if we were put here for some divine purpose? No.
Do you ever wonder what lies in store for our spirit, our eternal soul, on the other side? No.
Then you're my man.
I need someone totally unbiased to help me select a religion.
Now, I've set up interviews with representatives from the big 10 faiths to see if I can connect with any of them.
Ah, I think our 2:00 is here.
I can't believe I got dumped! Caitlin, why are you obsessing over this? If he could see what you look like, he wouldn't have dumped you.
That's the whole point.
For the first time in my life, a man is judging me solely on my personality, and the verdict is in I'm not fun! You're overreacting.
Don't you see? I've always gotten by on my looks.
Take them away, I'm one big dud.
Well, I can certainly empathize.
Often I found my own good looks act more like an anchor than a sail.
What? Hey Would you date me if I weren't attractive? Is this like, "do these jeans make my ass look fat?" Because I always get that one wrong.
Hey, Paul, what's happening? I just had a long conversation with Claudia.
Apparently, Charlie gave her quite a pep talk.
I just helped her realize what's important.
I think I'm pretty good at motivating people.
She's leaving me.
She wants to become a nun.
I overshot that one.
Stuart, what the hell is going on? I heard you're leaving at 4:30 this morning.
Caitlin got dumped by a blind guy, and Paul's wife is becoming a nun.
This is a big day for me.
Guess where I've been? I don't know, but I hope it involves drinking and a dare.
Come on, suspenders are fun.
All fun people wear 'em.
From now on, when people hear "Caitlin Moore," I want them to think, "Caitlin Moore fun.
" Hey, Paul, check 'em out.
Hey! What do you think of these babies? Sorry, Caitlin, I'm a leg man.
So, how are things with Claudia? She slept at her mother's last night because she didn't want to be tempted by the marital bed.
Why, who was in it? Hey, Paul.
Don't you "hey, Paul" me.
I'm sorry, Claudia was crying and I had to say something.
I never meant for her to become a nun.
Don't you "look, I'm sorry, but Claudia was crying "and I had to say something, I never meant for her to become a nun" me.
You think it's possible that Claudia could have been thinking about this? But if he hadn't talked to her, she would've repressed it, led a life of quiet desperation like we all do.
You think I don't have fantasies, huh? I'd like to fly to London, take Elizabeth Hurley up to my hotel room, get her autograph but I don't.
You do realize in a fantasy you can do whatever you want? So, rabbi elder, tell me In the Jewish religion, what would a person have to do to warrant going to hell? The torah contains a set of moral codes for this life.
We don't believe in hell.
Nice.
Paul, eventually, you're gonna have to talk to me.
I'm afraid to.
I might get the urge to become a priest.
Oh, I should've expected this.
I've always had bad luck with women.
It's like the girl I took to the prom.
She became a lesbian.
Sometimes later on life, people change.
It happened during a slow dance.
Don't get down on yourself.
When I was in college, my girlfriend was attracted to another woman, and oh, wait, that was for my birthday.
Look, Paul, you've got to talk to Claudia.
You gotta fight to save your marriage.
There's nothing I can do.
There are so many great things about being married.
I have no idea what they are.
I'm not gonna wait around for Claudia to make a decision.
I'm gonna hit the town tonight with the wildest guy I know.
I have this sick feeling in my stomach that you're talking about me.
You and me.
We're gonna put on our best members only jackets, practice our moonwalks, and ride the mechanical bull.
Okay.
I'll pick you up in 1982.
Charlie, why did Paul just ask me if he could "bum a condom"? I thought you were gonna tell him to go back to Claudia.
I tried, but now, apparently, I'm the charter member of his posse.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna show him the worst time of his life.
By 10:00, he'll be banging on Claudia's door.
Charlie, you can't help having a good time.
Good times just find you.
If you're talking about the wet t-shirt contest, those things happen all the time.
Not at the dmv.
Oh, I'm glad you took those things off.
I found something that's even more fun.
Bring her in, boys! Everybody, gather 'round! I have got fun on a bun! Isn't it a kick? is not a good time.
It's prosciutto.
Ah, prosciutto the fun meat.
Mr.
mayor, have some hoagie! No can-do on the ham.
I may be Jewish and/or Muslim by the end of the day.
Whoa.
This stuff goes right to your head.
What is it? Light beer.
So, Paul, you see what I'm talking about? This is what single life is like every night.
It's not like in the movies.
It's a sad, lonely existence.
Sure, occasionally, a dozen or so attractive women will cross your path, but it's just a tease, a painful reminder of what you can't have.
Charlie Crawford.
I'm with the bachelorette party and I'm a little tipsy.
This is my friend Paul.
After this party wraps up, I'm having a small party back at my place very small.
Can you come by? I can't talk right now.
And yes.
See you later, Charlie.
Bye, Paul.
Bye, Paul.
Okay, sure, it seems fun, but you go broke hanging out with these women for one night.
The bar tab alone my daughter just had a baby! Drinks are on the house! All right! Yeah! Paul, Paul, stay with me.
Sometimes there are hot babes and the drinks are free, but trust me, this is as good as it will ever get.
Do you and your friend want to judge a wet t-shirt contest? It's the dmv all over again.
Caitlin, did you silly-string my office? Let me guess it wasn't silly? This is insane.
Who cares about that idiot's opinion? I think you're great.
It doesn't make any difference what you look like, except for those earrings yesterday.
They made you look like a hooker.
My point is, you don't need to change a thing.
Thanks, Carter.
You're right.
What was I thinking? Your opinion matters more than some stranger's.
Hey, ned! What? You know what? I am sick of worrying about you and your stupid opinions.
You're wrong because I am fun.
I didn't mean you weren't fun.
I meant you weren't fun.
You didn't put out.
You expected me to put out at lunch? I'm blind, I don't have a lot of time.
You can't see.
You're not dying.
When you lose your sight, other senses are heightened.
Horny is not a sense! Caitlin I'm way ahead of you, Carter.
And you're bald! How did it go with Paul last night? Did you manage to sour him on the single life? A bachelorette party showed up, it reminded him of his wedding.
He freaked out and left by 9:00.
Whoa, Chuck wagon! Did you get the license plate of the truck that hit us last night? Paul, are those the same clothes you wore yesterday? That is correct.
Pauly played an away game.
Hey, Chuck roast, please tell me I did not go home with that double bagger, huh? I love being single.
I'm having the time of my life! What about Claudia? Oh, God, I miss her so much.
Oh, God, I'm not having fun.
I slept on her mother's lawn last night, and I got bit by a mole.
Let's go in my office and disinfect that mole bite.
Hello, Paul.
Claudia.
Good luck, buddy.
Don't give up on us.
If I'm not doing something right, I can change.
I'm not asking you to change.
You want me to dress up like God? I can do that.
Paul, this isn't your fault.
I just realized this is something I have to do.
But if you go, who am I gonna tell about my day to, huh? Who am I gonna buy flowers for? Who's gonna put little love notes in my jacket? I never put love notes in your jacket, Paul.
Oh, my God, our dry cleaner wants me.
For the first time in my life, I feel that I have a purpose that's bigger than myself.
This is truly an amazing thing that's happened to me.
And deep in your heart, I think you know that.
Now, having said that, I mean, if you want me to stay, I'll stay.
Stay.
I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness.
You go.
Thank you, pauly.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So, did the mayor pick a religion yet? No, he decided he doesn't need one.
He's gonna stick with being a wasp.
Well, he's doing pretty good today.
So is it true that you can only move diagonally? I'm kidding.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.