Still Open All Hours (2013) s05e05 Episode Script

It won't work.
Look and learn, look and learn.
If you surprise people it shakes 'em up.
It's your prices that shakes 'em up.
No, you watch.
Kath will be in in a minute.
One small loaf, correct change, turns round and then she's gone.
But not today.
Not today.
Today I'm going to shake her out of that "I'm not buying anything else" mood.
Good luck with that.
Hey up, hey, here she comes.
OK.
Stand by.
Good day to you, Katherine.
Well, nice and polite but nobody's moving.
Well, who's serving? Knock on the counter.
Go on.
How are you today, Kath? Why are you wearing a wig? Are you sure it's a wig? Maybe I've just released the full glory of my own abundant head of hair.
You wish.
What have you been doing to him? Don't blame me.
He is quite capable of going fully on his own.
I don't buy stuff like this.
Now, Kath, this elegant hairpiece helps me pair the customer with the right product.
If the wig moves it means that the product is exactly right for you.
Watch the wig Yes.
The wig knows.
The wig needs its head examining.
Well, I've heard of some things but this one You're trying to get some bread Come on.
What's the matter with you? Is it something I said? Stop playing about and open up.
Well, you get nothing this morning for that.
Well, he was wearing a wig and it moved.
He should've said.
I could've sold him one that didn't move.
But it's very unnerving when they come at you with an unstable wig.
One no sugar.
- What time's this wedding? - This afternoon.
I always cry.
I don't know why.
It can't be worse than your own.
I told you not to marry him.
He said I couldn't back out.
We had to think about the children.
Well, you never had any.
I knew there was a flaw in his argument somewhere.
I wonder why Granville's never wigged at me.
I imagine in a wig he'd be a mature-woman magnet.
I must've missed that.
He's probably waiting till he's learnt how to stop it moving.
I expect he'll wig me when he's got everything under control.
He claims that it matches the customer to the right product.
"The wig knows.
" You've got to admire his steady pursuit of profit.
He needs a good woman, his equal in avarice.
What about love? No.
No, it's very inconvenient when you're busy.
This is not a happy ship.
Look at the faces on ya.
- And you.
- Admitted.
We're all in the same boat.
Aye, and it's sinking.
Mine sprung a leak when her mother came to live with us.
Hey, it's worse than that, it's our own fault.
Are you sure? I'm only asking because after much consideration I came to the conclusion it were theirs.
We can't blame our women.
That's going to put a boot through some of my basic beliefs.
We've allowed our women folk to lose that shiver of excitement whenever they see us.
I think I'd have to plead guilty to that.
Maybe they got better at hiding it.
No, it's because we've overwhelmed them with all our macho swaggering.
We've forced them into acting tough.
Mine was so overwhelmed she slapped me yesterday with a freezer pack of kippers.
It were a call for help.
No, that were me.
It were a call for love.
She was reaching out, she was saying "notice me".
They come at you with a frozen pack of kippers, I promise you'll notice.
I can't say I've ever suffered violence at the hands of Mrs Featherstone yet.
But she does have a personality every bit the equal of a frozen kipper.
Because they daren't show us their loving tenderness.
We've crushed it.
Crushed it.
How are you going to slice that thin enough to give it away for free? We've been overdoing this brutal male thing.
- Really? - You're saying lose the tough-guy image? I'm telling you now, I'm going to miss it.
We're not losing Mr Hard Man, we're just playing him down.
He'll still be there for us when we need him for our man time.
But for our girls we need to show 'em our feminine side.
Hello, Mavis.
Hello, Granville.
I was thinking, er, why don't you come round this afternoon and we can have a cake and, er, some coffee? I can't.
We're off to a wedding.
Where I suppose I'm going to have to be nice to an old boyfriend of mine.
How nice? You know how it is, you have to put that frozen smile on.
Funny thing is, I used to think he was gorgeous.
Second thoughts are always best.
You know, dangerous places, weddings, with all those hormones racketing about.
I shall never sleep.
We'll be back before you're asleep.
Right, good, yeah.
What time? Not late, I hope, as long as we don't get entangled in the disco.
Disco? No, no, no, no, no, you stay away from the disco.
I intend to.
Terrible things happen at discos and that's just the music.
- I won't stay for the disco.
- Good.
Call me if there's any trouble.
You'd come? Yes, of course I'd come.
Y You'd close the shop? Almost certainly.
Only me.
Come through, she's out.
She'll have gone to her mother's.
You're wondering what I meant by showing our feminine sides.
If it means wearing a frock, you can forget it.
I'm with him.
Sit down, I'll show you what I mean.
- Back in a jiffy.
- Jiffy? Who says jiffy any more? - All right, then.
Back in ten.
- Ten what? I hate it when they don't give you full details - it's supposed to be the information age.
Have we got a feminine side? I haven't and if you've heard otherwise, it's a lie.
There's something called the new man.
I think moisturisers are acceptable.
- What does Mrs Featherstone use? - Pressure.
Just a little short of violence, usually.
Dig the poet, daddios.
Check out the creative thoughts arising from these artistic threads.
Where is this Craig, then? He'll be here.
He said he'll be here.
Tell him not to hurry on my account.
Stop being like that - he's coming on your account.
Well, I didn't ask him.
No, he asked him for ya.
You need to get out more, meet people.
- He'll be a creep.
- That's it, girl, think positive.
Here he is.
Right, I'll go fetch him.
Cheer up, Ruby, you'll be fine.
You're an engineer, you can test him for stress or measure him for something.
You were right, he was a creep.
They gossip about me.
I can feel it, Granville.
"There she goes.
She married an Italian.
" I'll take some salami.
Er, salami coming right up, Mrs Rossi.
But in a plain wrap or they'll see it as evidence of scandalous continental taste.
Good day to you, Mrs Rossi.
And to you, Mrs Featherstone.
I see you prefer the continental meats.
It's for a friend.
I'll, er I'll take a few Pontefract cakes, Granville, and if that doesn't establish citizenship, I give up.
You must miss the excitements of Italy.
I missed them when I was there, he was always at his mother's.
I'll pick my stuff up later, Granville.
It'll be ready for you, Mrs Rossi.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
She called you Granville.
Yes, in English.
What's the problem, Mrs Featherstone? When they get cosy with your name, the next thing they're poking about in your money belt.
Don't say that.
I just had a feeling that somebody walked across my small change.
You want to be careful with that woman, Granville.
She's steeped in continental bedtime practices that are way above your pay grade.
No, no, she has Horlicks at bedtime, Mrs Featherstone.
When you get behind the Horlicks it's wall-to-wall garlic.
I can't draw for toffee.
Well, it don't matter these days, none of 'em can.
Just look the part.
OK, that's you gone poetic, he's a painter.
What am I going to be? I think ballet's a bit of a nonstarter.
- I'm not doing ballet.
- Agreed.
Relax, we'll find you something.
I don't see how this is actually helping me with my Mrs Featherstone situation.
It's going to knock her for six.
She's always seen you as respectable, reliable.
Look at you now.
Painter.
These people have nude models, you know.
Could there be room for two painters? Nah, it's pushing it.
I still don't see how I can paint myself free from Mrs Featherstone.
You won't have to.
She'll drop you.
Once she sees you as this wild, free-living artist, different woman in every postcode.
- I could do oils, and he's watercolour.
- Just forget it.
- I'm not doing ballet.
- We'll find you something.
Genuine Mongolian fish paste? Yes, every jar numbered and signed by the Minister of Mongolian Fisheries himself.
I thought Mongolia was landlocked.
It hasn't got a coastline.
They rent one.
Look, I don't think this is for me.
I just popped in for some Braithwaite's fish paste.
Er, I used to stock Braithwaite until I learned about their links to the mafia.
Braithwaite's? Proudly made in Pudsey since 1837? Yeah, I know, it shocked me too.
But then, er, people kept turning up dead with Braithwaite's fish paste in their mouths still in the jar.
Turning up dead? You've heard of sleeps with the fishes? You know, that great mafia saying, the threat, you know - you're going to sleep-a with the fishes.
- Yeah, it was in The Godfather.
- Yeah, that's it, that's the one.
Well, unfortunately, some of the younger mafia types, they were getting it wrong and they were saying things like "You're going to sleep with the dishes.
" Yeah, and some of them were heard to say "You're going to sleep-a with the quiches.
" Quiches? Anyway, gives you some idea why he - Cappo di Tutti Cappi - er, you know, that's old Cappo himself, he said, "Enough.
No more-a sleeping with the fishes.
" "You want to scare a guy, you say to him," "You're going to sleep-a with the Braithwaite's-a fish-a paste.
"" I see.
So buy Mongolian and avoid the mafia.
It's an offer you can't refuse.
Have you cleaned inside thoroughly? - What are you gaping at? - Madge, you look like a shiny new set of spanners.
Do you like the hat? I love the hat.
I could follow you anywhere in that hat.
I don't want you following me wearing this hat.
- No, I meant to - I know what you meant.
Close your mouth.
Just bring your top lip down to the lower one.
Yes, that's it.
Be with you in a second.
.
Yeah So the wig does move, then.
Ooh, hee-hee.
You see what you do to people? Didn't I see you in My Fair Lady? We're off, then, and I'll take some breath mints.
Stay away from the disco.
I hate discos.
Good thinking.
Are you coming? Or are you going to stand here all day giving him every opportunity to sell you something? Well, you know what he's like.
You stand still for a moment in this shop and he thinks it amounts to a contract.
I'll come when I'm ready, thank you very much.
And I will take the mints.
Good for you.
Right.
Now, don't forget to read the instructions.
They say "stay away from the disco".
Please, please they are They're on the house.
You're slipping.
I'll adjust your next bill.
I don't know.
Mrs Rossi's all right, she's just a bit twitchy.
But is she twitchy in English or Italian? Is there a difference? Well, your English is neutral but your Italian can slip three suggestions into every twitch.
It's more foreplay than you can get around here.
I worry about her hanging about Granville in that shop.
He can handle Mrs Rossi.
Yes, I know he can, I don't think he ought to be given the opportunity.
Hey, it's Mavis you should be worried about.
Mavis? I don't worry about that shy little thing.
- Ladies - Ladies Ladies.
Hold it.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Where did you get the hat? I've always had the hat.
Well, I haven't seen it.
Well, I keep it at me mother's.
All this time? You've been keeping a secret hat? What else have you been keeping there? A goldfish.
You look ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous.
Well, why don't you take it off? One has to suffer for one's art.
Why didn't you tell me you wanted a goldfish? It'd destroy me macho image.
I am no longer afraid to celebrate my feminine side.
This is my poetry hat.
What's he come as? Songwriter with a focus on your romantic ballads.
Sounds like a load of old ballads to me.
You want to be a painter? You can come and emulsion my hallway.
Come on, let's go and get your goldfish.
Really? You'll like her, she's lovely.
She's called Imogen.
Go with t'flow, man.
I think we have to trust them.
Yes, we will trust them as far as the disco.
You know, 67% of single women at weddings find new relationships.
I had a cousin who went astray at a wedding.
Yes, thank you, we don't want to know.
I'd like to know.
Our Maureen met this guy at a wedding.
They had this immediate chemistry.
Nearly ruined her hat.
All right, that's enough.
Well, when I say met this guy, she were found under this bloke from Darlington.
He'd had too much.
She were there where he fell.
No, that's it.
Now you've got me thinking of all these drunks surrounding Mavis.
Well, they've got four kids now and the Labradoodle.
Yes, all right, enough.
Happens all the time.
You show me a wedding and I'll show you new relationships blossoming.
We should go.
We should go in your Mini, Gastric, and pick 'em up.
We can't have them drinking and driving.
Well, they're not big drinkers.
No, I want them out of there before they meet some bloke from Darlington.
- Who will be looking after the shop? - You.
Is that fair, do you think? I'm ironing a shirt, I've got Beth coming.
67% of people who want to meet Beth get delayed.
What time shall we go? Any time.
As long as it's before the disco.
Hey, Gastric, have a listen to this.
You're the lady Of my dreams Go on.
That's it so far.
I like the sense of unbridgeable loneliness you've caught with the lyrics.
Thanks, man.
You said you were going to a wedding didn't realise it was you two getting married.
We want to look our best for the ladies.
Just you watch the shop while we're gone.
Is this tie straight? Yes, not only is it straight, it is madge straight.
- Right, where's your car? - She's outside.
There's not going to be much room for Madge and Mavis.
It's going to be a tight fit, isn't it? I'm looking forward to it.
Now, come on, let's just get there before the disco.
All right, come on.
On your marks, go on, off you go.
Yeah, I'm going, I'm going.
And try to move some of that Mongolian fish paste, will you? Yeah, go on, off you go, right.
I hope that Madge is being faithful to me.
You're on a good thing there.
She's too bad-tempered to be unfaithful.
- You're not just saying that? - No, of course not.
Do you know, Madge is one of the foulest-tempered people that I know.
She is, ain't she? That should keep 'em off, I must've been born lucky.
- Come on, let's stay lucky.
- Let's get there, let's go.
Hey, hey, hey, hang on, hang on.
- What? - There's a new customer in the shop, a Mr Cliff.
He's just moved here, he's brought a big order.
A big order? Very big, I'm going to need some help here.
What would you do? I think I know what you would do but that's you.
I'm me.
- Well? - I'm on a miscue ression.
I'm on a rescue mission.
You will have to handle it.
That's it, way to go, you tell him.
A man has to do what a man has to do.
Proud to know you, son.
- Yes, yes.
- I know how much this must hurt.
Big order, you say? Very big.
How big is very big? - That's very big.
- Very big.
Gastric.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Me? What for? For not trusting our two good ladies.
Right.
Ha, ha.
Mr Cliff, welcome to our little shop.
Right, let's have a look.
I bet that disco is going full belt by now.
Crowded, half in darkness, she'll be entangled in strange braces.
I tried.
That Leroy can tell her I tried.
I very nearly went.
Took years of grocer's iron discipline to keep me from rushing away from new business.
It was going to be a crush in that Mini.
I even abandoned me money belt so we could fit more comfortably.
Hello, Granville.
Hello, Mavis.
You didn't go to the disco, then? I'm not much for dancing.
I always forget which leg went last.
Hey, you stick with me, I'll keep an eye on both of them for you.
- Give us a hand with them, will ya? - Yeah.