The League s05e05 Episode Script

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Brian, Spaz is dead! - I don't know who that is.
Oh, no! No Hey! - Well - All right.
- There we go.
- What's going on, guys? Just Rafi being Rafi.
Guys, I got bad news.
I got to go deal with a case in Houston again, tomorrow.
Aw.
These shrimp fishermen are suing an oil company, and I'm like, "What are you gonna cook your shrimp in?" Is that your opening argument? Basically.
Fishermen are such dicks.
Well, if you're gonna be in Houston, you should hit up J.
J.
Watt.
I keep calling him.
I guess he changed his number.
His Twitter must be broken, too.
I've been DM'ing him.
Nothing.
You know what, you have not invited us to your house in a while.
I want to make sure that the Ruxin is proudly displayed on your mantel.
You talking about the Sacko? I am talking about the trophy formerly known as the Sacko, now called the Ruxin.
Exhibit "A": your address.
Don't you worry your cute little pancake face about it.
It's there, it's up.
I'm not buying it.
Something's fishy, man.
What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.
Well, I had to.
Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister.
" Well, we have all the answers for her, just Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid.
So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.
"Too Hot to Handle"? Yeah, I like it.
This is something you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.
Oh, "Pete Top/Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him.
He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.
Now that everyone's here, I have a big announcement to make Uncle Frank died.
What? But the good news is he left me his van.
Whoa, rapist van! You got the van? It's like brand-new.
When he became handicapped, he couldn't drive it anymore.
Which means Taco Corp finally has a headquarters.
Y'all know that was the only thing holding me back.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You were right there, you know? I have so many plans for this thing.
Let us know when you're gonna do the anniversary of you getting molested in there.
I wasn't molested.
It was "Secret Wrestling Camp.
" Okay, I'm out.
So much fun.
Ah whoa! What's going on up here? I am cleaning out the guest bedroom while you're out of town, so if there is anything you want to save, you better grab it now because it is going in the trash if not.
Okay, babe.
Oh.
This can go.
Later, buddy.
Pete's records can go.
Whoa, the old porn stash.
What was I doing buying this? Oh, 'cause of her.
Rodney? Yeah, babe! How's it going? Good.
Okay, I'm gonna empty out the closet.
I'm gonna continue to do things that are normal.
Hey.
You still good to drive me to the airport tomorrow? Yeah, I'll pick you up on the way.
Okay, we need to leave a few minutes early so I can throw some stuff away in a Dumpster.
What did you do, Ruxin? I didn't do anything.
I just have some old porn that I need to get rid of.
You don't want it? No, I don't want your porn.
I've got the Internet and my dark thoughts, thank you.
I guess it is a little "Too Hot to Handle.
" Road trip! Did you hear that? So you got me tomorrow morning? I will be at your house in the morning.
Okay, thanks.
I love you.
Don't say that.
Hey, babe? I'm gonna take one of these boxes to the bathroom and just sort through it.
Bye.
Honey? What are you doing out here? I-I'm waiting for Kevin to pick me up.
He's late.
Uh, what's in the box? Oh, it's, uh, work stuff.
Ah! It's, uh, evidence.
I don't want to implicate you.
I love you too much.
Okay.
Thanks, babe.
Oh, this-this better be Kevin.
Hi.
Where are you? I'm late for the airport.
My car is gone, Ruxin! It's gone! And judging by the hot steamer that someone left in my bushes with Hubba Bubba in it, I think Rafi stole it.
Yeah, well, what about my ride? It's too late to call a cab now.
Your ride? I'm dealing with a crime scene on my driveway, Ruxin.
There are dolls with syringes in it.
When are you picking me up? What about my car?! Airport.
Car! Airport! Car! Ah Babe, I can take you.
Oh, okay, great.
Uh, let me just, uh, throw this away real quick and What? No, that is evidence.
Right, it's evidence.
Oh, what have you seen? Jenny! Thank you for forgiving me.
You're very welcome.
All right.
Made it on time.
Yeah.
Yep, yep, yep.
Text me when you get in.
Call you as soon as I get there.
I love you, babe.
Bye.
I love you, too.
Bye.
I love you.
Love you! Bye! I got to get rid of this porn.
All right.
Hey, what's up, man? How you doing? Good to see you.
Here, take this.
Just take it.
You want me to take your box? Yeah.
What is it? It doesn't matter what it is.
Just take it.
I want to know what's in that box.
Fine, it's-it's porn.
Check it out.
It's, like, dirty stuff, too.
Like "choke 'em out" stuff.
God, you're freaking me out, man.
No, there's, like, "really hairy bush" stuff.
Use the Internet like the rest of us, pal.
Some of us like vintage stuff, bro! Never forget your roots! Goddamn it.
I just need to get on my flight.
Sir? You can't leave this box here.
I can't hear.
No, sir, you need to take the box with you.
No, it's cool, man.
No, no, it's not cool.
It's cool, bro.
Sir, this box cannot stay here.
Okay, you know what, man? It's filled with porn.
You can have all of it.
What do you think? I don't want your porn, sir.
Well, what about some, like, "hood rat" shit? Is that what you want? Listen, I see something, I have to say something.
If you see an interracial gang bang, you could say you want it.
Now you're offending me.
Take the box and go.
There's gay stuff.
I don't even know how it ended up in the box! Taxi! Hey.
Hey, man, where you going? Uh, just the box, actually.
Huh? No, I don't want this box.
Just drive it to the city limits-- that's all I'm asking.
Hey! Hey, get out of my cab.
I don't want that box I'm not getting in your cab.
There's no need for this.
Is there a problem here? This terrorist is trying to give me this box.
Terrorist? I'm not a terrorist.
Sir, what's in the box? Nothing's in the box.
I'm just running late for my flight.
It's filled with porn.
It's not like it's a bomb.
Bomb! He said "bomb"! No, not a bomb! On the hood of the car now! No, not a bomb! I'm say Spread 'em! I'm saying "Not a bomb"! Stop saying "bomb," sir.
I'm not saying "bomb"! You hold on to that box, you sick son of a bitch.
There's no bomb in here.
Stop saying "bomb"! I'm not saying "bomb"! Behold, Taco Corp's latest venture, Taco's Truck.
He turned Uncle Frank's van into a food truck? Where do you go for mouthwatering food? Nowhere, we come right to you It's Taco's Truck Taco's Truck Grab yourself some grub at Taco's Truck Taco's Truck Taco's Truck Makes you feel full as anything Well, looks like he's got the brightest minds at Taco Corp marketing this.
Taco's Truck For burgers! Taco's Truck For hot dogs! Taco's Truck For wings! And all sorts of classic American things Taco's Truck.
He's calling it "Taco's Truck," but he's not serving Mexican food.
We even have a patio where you can sit back, relax and enjoy some ice-cold Three Penis Wine Coolers alfresco.
Oh, get out of here, you little bastard.
Get out! Oh.
Think his special sauce is bug spray? Taco's Truck has earned four Michelin tires.
Ooh, that's interesting.
No, it's not.
Nothing says "classic American fare" like "Taco's Truck.
" Ow! You Ah, son of a bitch! Oh, sweet Jesus.
You guys really needed four hours to prove that a box of porn was, in fact, a box of porn? I take my job very seriously.
Don't forget your filth.
"Don't forget your filth.
" Adios, wanker.
Hey, babe.
I haven't heard from you.
How's Houston? Oh, how's Houston? You're not gonna believe how hot and muggy it is here.
I miss you.
I miss you.
It's gonna be so hard to be away from you for the whole week.
But I love you.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Mwah.
Bye, baby.
So, Sofia still thinks you're in Houston? Yeah, I decided it was a bad idea to tell her that I was busted at the airport for 23 pounds of vintage pornography.
Look, all I got to do is cover a few hours of videoconferencing to Houston, and then the rest of the week is mine.
Oh, Ruxin's got himself a little bye week.
Sofia gets Terrific Lady Days-- I'm gonna get myself a Terrific Ruxin Week.
Yeah! Sounds like somebody's gonna have an affair.
You want me to go have an affair? Sounds like you want to have an affair.
Sounds like you want to have an affair.
I would never have an affair.
Why? Fear.
Look, as long as Sofia and Rafi don't see me, I am good to go.
You don't have to worry about Rafi-- Rafi's off in California committing crimes with my vehicle.
Hello, boys.
You no longer have to eat this garbage because Taco's Truck is up and running.
Great.
Sign me up for some nachos.
No, we don't sell those.
Why does everyone keep asking that? Anyway, I'd love for you guys to come by, sample some food.
And like us on "MyFace"-- we're trying to spread the word off-line.
Absolutely not.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get back to work.
Before you guys go, can I crash at one of your places this week? Why don't you just get a hotel? No paper trail-- can't use a credit card, no ATM machines, nothing.
Can't stay at my place.
Yeah, it's too soon after Trixie.
Who's Trixie? I have a date this week, so you're out of luck.
I guess you could stay with me-- I'm only using two thirds of my bed right now.
It's not gonna be a free ride, though-- you're gonna work with me on the truck.
Or go back to your wife and kids.
Mmm.
Think I'll work for this bucket of meat loaf.
Meat loaf.
We should serve that.
That's a good idea.
Honestly, doing menial labor is like spring break compared to taking care of my child.
All right, let's get to work.
Grab all of this stuff.
Mmm.
I don't have any plates.
Here, Ruxin, why don't you take this with you.
Cutlery.
Enjoy yourself.
I don't regret my decision.
Get to work! Let's go! Hi.
Hi.
Is your husband home? No.
I thought you already knew.
He's in Houston.
Houston.
Well, do you mind if we come in and have a look around? Uh Just a few questions.
Lovely home.
It'd be a shame to lose it.
I'm really sorry for the mess.
It's really difficult having a baby Did you have to wear the hat? What? I never get a chance to wear it.
God.
So So Sofia.
Is that a hearth? That's a hearth.
Ever put anything on that hearth? Plants.
Hmm.
Andre.
One second.
Got to talk to my partner.
What's up? Mmm.
Can I get you guys anything to drink? No, I think we'll ask the questions from here.
We'll ask the questions from here.
Go.
- Go ahead.
- What do you mean, "go ahead"? I thought you had a question.
I just teed you up.
That was for you.
How's your day? Oh, God.
Okay.
Have you seen a large, mounted bust of Ruxin? No, I haven't.
Never seen it? No.
Never ever? No.
Never ever, ever? No.
So you never ever, ever, ever, never ever, ever, ever, ever, forever ever saw it? No.
Ever.
No.
Oh, I eat people like you for breakfast and shit you out before I'm even done with my first cup of coffee.
So if that's your story and you're sticking to it Mm-hmm.
then you'd have no problem having us take a look around the house.
That's right.
I'll start in the kitchen.
Uh-uh.
I don't think so.
Ow, ow You and that stupid, ugly hat, get out of my house.
I never get a chance to wear it.
Man, she's mean.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
She threw it away.
Uh-uh.
He threw it out.
That is low.
Oh, my God.
My Shore record.
I was looking for this.
Wait a second.
This is a jacket that I gave Ruxin for his birthday.
And a matching hat.
Here, you hold this, I'll get that, okay.
Okay.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
Okay.
I need two orders of chicken wings and a lemonade at table three.
Two order chicken wings, lemonade, coming at table three.
All right, hurry it up! Hey.
Hi.
Welcome to Taco's Truck.
I'm Taco.
What can I get you? I'd like a chicken burrito.
No, we don't do burritos.
Oh, chicken nachos.
No, no chicken nachos.
It's just American food.
Well, it's a taco truck.
It's Taco's Truck.
Read the menu.
It's "T-A-C-O- uppercase comma-S.
" Yeah, all right, uh, uh, cheeseburger.
Thank you.
It's about time.
Cheeseburger! Hamburger with cheese coming up.
And where are those fries? Table three's waiting.
Sorry, he's new.
I'll be right back.
Yeah.
Ow ow.
Hey, shit-sipper, you're six orders behind.
What's going on? I'm cooking as fast as I can.
You got a tiny hibachi here.
You're not supposed to cook all the way through the meat.
Yeah, you are.
Leave it raw on the inside.
You're wasting heat.
By the way, you don't have any soap left.
I can't wash my hands with anything.
Oh, princess wants me soap.
Ruxin, I don't think you realize this, but the stuff I steal costs money.
Yeah.
And why aren't you wearing the hairnet I gave you? 'Cause the hairnet you gave me is just a lacy thong, and from how stiff it is, I believe it's been used.
Of course it's used.
That helps it catch the hair.
Just hurry up.
Sorry about that.
Can I add a churro, please? No, we don't serve Italian food, either.
The only non-American item we have is Three Penis Wine, and that's Chinese.
Three Penis Wine? Three Penis Wine! No, no, no, I don't want one.
Three Penis Wine coming up.
No.
Thank you.
No refunds, sir.
I don't want a Three Penis Wine.
Another one? Two Three Penis Wines! No, no, no, no, not two Six Penises Wine.
I don't want any Three Penis Wine.
Curly fries are up.
About time.
What are you doing in there? Been drinking some of the Three Penis Wine.
Can't blame you for that.
All right, hurry up.
You're drinking that? Yeah, I'm flipping the burgers with my donger; it's rock-hard.
Okay, I'll try one, then.
Can you believe these idiots? Everyone keeps ordering Mexican food.
I swear, I'm just gonna shut this truck down and open a food stand instead.
Taco stand.
Taco's stand.
Hmm, I think you'll find you'll have a similar problem.
I don't follow.
Why would you? Where's my sandwich? All right, tuna melt's coming.
Hamburger with cheese.
Great, thanks.
Just keep it, man.
Oh, keep the change.
All right.
Still no Mexican? No, but the wings are delicious.
Yeah, I thought at least they'd have a chalupa, right? Oh, shit, I have to put Chalupa down before Jenny gets home.
I got to go.
I'll see you guys later.
All right.
Well, now that I've made my nut for the day, I think I'm gonna take off.
You know what? You're in trouble.
You have not been proudly displaying the Ruxin on your mantel.
Busted.
Oh, wait, did Sofia try to throw that out? Bullshit.
Don't give me that.
You orchestrated this whole thing so she would throw it away.
I don't know, it was on the mantel when I left.
You know how those Latin ladies are.
They got a mind in their own.
Look, I'm gonna get out of here, go drink a good bottle of red wine, watch an action movie, and rosterbate to my lineup till the sky rains yogurt.
Peaces.
Ruxin, you forgot to clock out.
Ugh, he's the worst, and I'm pretty sure he's stealing some of my stolen stuff.
Oh, he's gonna get it.
Hey, I'm home.
Happy sexiversary.
Yeah, I know, that-that's why I rushed home.
Good.
I'm glad you did.
Wow, you look amazing.
Thank you.
Come here.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Let's go upstairs.
Mmm, let's do it here.
Okay, yeah, let's do it here.
Yeah.
Your team name, by the way, it's so lame.
Well, you never know.
I could be too hot to handle.
Really? Okay, let's just Mommy, I'm hungry.
I want food.
Just a minute, honey.
It's coming, okay? It's almost ready.
It is an unseasonably warm autumn day here in Chicago I got your macaroni and cheese, hot dogs-- no ketchup, just like you like it-- and I got a couple apple slices for you, too.
Whether they are boating or playing sports You like that, huh? Yeah.
It's almost ready, I promise.
Who can say I blame 'em? This could be the last warm weekday we get until next spring.
Back to you, Bob.
It's gonna be a hot one today.
There she is.
My little sexy dynamo.
Mmm.
How are you doing? Uh, I honestly am in a lot of pain.
Bam! You're welcome.
I call that move "the kidney shifter.
" Mmm, no, things are just not good down south.
It's like Mississippi Burning.
I never saw that movie.
Well, it's not a comedy.
Is there anything I need to know about? Has your been cleared to play? Wha-- uh, no, I don't have anything.
Well, I don't have anything, either, but something set fire to these crosses.
Uh, I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.
How about tell me the truth? Fine.
You want the truth? Yes.
Uh, okay, I have been using your toothbrush for the last three weeks 'cause I can't find mine, and I left CB at a grocery store once.
There.
Me, too.
But I am as clean as a mountain stream.
I am as pure as the driven snow.
I'm spotless.
Impeccable.
Unsoiled.
Unsullied.
Unstained, and I'll piss in every glass that we own to prove it.
This isn't a lab, Kevin.
That's just ruining our glassware.
Will you just get your equipmunk checked? Don't start equipmunk stuff.
Jenny, don't do that.
Equipmunk wrong.
Goddamn it.
Equipmunk dirty! Stop it.
Equipmunk make my downstairs hurty.
She's saying I gave her an STD.
I mean, I couldn't possibly give her something if I don't have it, right? Well, maybe you did.
Have you had unprotected sex with a stranger-- a woman or a man? No.
A prostitute? Okay, look, do you have any open sores or lesions on your penis? Why don't we ask patient zero? Shut up.
Okay.
Cheeseburger! Ow! What? Ow, I got the wing sauce in my eye.
Wait, wait a second.
It burns, right? Yes.
And you were eating here before your sexiversary, right? Yes.
Did you wash your hands? Oh, you pig! Yeah! I didn't have a chance.
She was on top of me as soon as I walked in the door.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
and Mrs.
Firecrotch.
You are too hot to handle.
No, stop.
Best team name ever.
How could we have ever doubted you? Aw.
Nobody is ever gonna tell Jenny about this.
We could at least tell her what to do.
Get a celery swab, get some blue cheese, and stick it right in that muffalo sauce.
Whoa, Jesus! Oh, Jesus.
Taco.
Jesus.
Ooh.
Oh, Taco.
Oh, my God.
Taco! There we go.
Today's special: mesquite burgers.
Shh, shh.
Okay, I think we're good.
Are we good good? Stop with the good, good.
Jesus, come on.
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
We put it inside the fireplace, okay, 'cause if we can't get this thing on the mantel, we'll have it in the mantel.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh.
Shh! Go, go, go! Oh, my God, no, what is that? What are you guys doing here? What are you doing here? What's that doing here? It lives here.
I do, too.
Yeah, but you're on a bye week.
So? I had to come home.
Why? Taco's got no shampoo, and I wanted to pick up my box set of Breaking Bad.
I never knew what happened.
I keep lying about it.
I just say that, "Oh ,the guy from Malcolm in the Middle's a bad guy.
" Well, he starts nice.
He does become bad.
Oh, spoiler alert! We had a 45-minute conversation about it.
No, you had a 45-minute conversation.
I zoned out and pretended to play Tetris in my head.
Hello? Hello? Shit! Shit! Hello? Oh, God.
Geoffrey got this one, too? Oh, disgusting.
Nothing.
Nothing's happening.
Oh, I need some tea.
Get that back.
Get that back.
No.
God! Hey, babe.
Hey.
Ooh, spicy! Mmm, I know.
It's burning my mouth.
Hey, the doctor called.
I'm clean as a whistle.
I am medically cleared to play.
See? Who knows what that was? Forget about that.
I mean, what the heck? All right, everyone, there's a new menu.
It says "Taco's Truck, No Tacos.
" You have any questions, ask me, Taco.
Also, Taco's special today is the wings.
They come in three flavors: mild, spicy and too hot to handle.
No, no, no, no! Taco! Be careful with those.
They are dangerously hot.
Taco! Oh, T Your dickis clean, but your fingers are filthy.
You went all up in my biz, you burnt down Mississippi! That hot sauce is so hot, it made me think I had something worse than the clap! Oh, that's disgusting.
No, no, no.
Gross.
The clap's not that bad.
It's very treatable.
Just, come on, it's like a "B" rating.
We're leaving.
Just don't touch your vagina after you eat the wings.
It's not that complicated.
Oh.
Wait sir.
Let's get out of here.
This is not good for business, you shit-pig.
- Honey, I'm home.
- Hi! - Missed me? - Yes.
- How are you? - Oh, God, I missed you so much.
Yeah, missed you too.
This place isn't the same without you.
Yeah.
- Muah.
Can we have sex? -Yeah.
But first, I want to see my son.
- You're a great dad.
- You're a great wife.
Let's go upstairs.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Pete! Why is our son holding a statue of Joe Paterno? Sacko.
Oh, baby Geoffrey.
Sleeping so close to that scrotum, forever unclean.