The Mindy Project s05e05 Episode Script

1 Jeremy, thanks for taking me to a musical.
What old bag is starring in "Chicago" this week? This isn't "Chicago.
" No, we're not watching a musical at all.
- This is a straight play.
- A play? What am I gonna dance in the aisles to? A boring-ass monologue? - All right, I'm out of here.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Trust me, you're gonna love this show.
How could you not when the star is Leland Breakfast? Leland Breakfast? Who dat? He's only the bad boy of the London theater scene.
His one-man adaptation of "The Miracle Worker" was, ugh, sensation on the West End.
A play was a sensation? Do they not have TV there? Yeah, Leland was actually an old chum of mine from university from Drama Club, yeah.
Actually, the two of us really bonded when he and the others hazed me into hospital.
Water, Helen.
It has a name.
Wah Water.
[applause.]
Pump.
Yes, pump.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry, can we have the house lights up, please? Yeah, you, in the front row.
The one dressed as a birthday cupcake.
You've been on your bloody mobile the entire show.
Ex-squeeze me? Me? I will have you know, that I am a doctor.
- Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
- Yes.
And I was dealing with a medical emergency - No, no, no, no, no.
- So I guess I'm the real Miracle Worker here.
[snaps fingers.]
Give it.
- Oh, God.
- Um - Give it.
- Uh Stop talking.
Give it.
Oh, yes, she was on Instagram, ladies and gentlemen.
[audience groans.]
- Wha - Yes, that's right.
Commenting on a photograph of Amanda Seyfried's dog.
She's just so into that dog.
Do you know, I have half a mind to drop this - in a pitcher of wah - Oh, no.
Wah [applause.]
Aah! [music.]
Leland, you were marvelous.
Like Helen Keller I, too, was blinded by tears and deafened by my own applause.
Hang on a tick, do I know you? Yeah, we were at uni together.
Jeremy Reed.
[whispering.]
You may remember me as Princess Wanker.
I'm just having a laugh, Princess Wanker! [laughs.]
How are you, you dear, sweet little man? Oh.
See, Mindy? We're such good friends.
Sorry, are you with her? - Is she off her knob? - Very much so.
Okay, I am the customer here.
It is your job to entertain me.
If I have to go on my phone, have I failed, or has theater failed? Goodness, you are a little handful, aren't you? I actually had a look through the photos in your phone.
I liked what I saw.
Mostly.
A couple were chilling.
Okay, well, those photos are between me and my eczema support group, so So where are we going for dinner? Because I know what I'm having for dessert.
[chuckles.]
That was a very sexy offer, but I cannot.
For one, you were extremely mean to me in a public setting.
Cheers.
And, also, I have a boyfriend, so Hey, hey, what the hell are you doing? Stop being insane and accept his offer.
- You're pushing 40.
- I'm 12.
I'm I'm 12.
Well, if you change your mind, I put my number in your phone.
Thank you.
It's a British number, so it'll cost you $15 per text.
But trust me, I'm worth it.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- I think he was kind of into me.
- I agree.
He must be back on the opiates.
Good morning, everyone, I have an announcement.
Acclaimed thespian and close, personal friend, Leland Breakfast is in town and I'm throwing him a party.
Now, this event is very important to me, so while protocol demands that I invite you all, I trust some of you will know not to come.
Who're you looking at? Is there a loser behind me? Oh, a party for Leland Breakfast.
I'm gonna bust out my pearls.
Sorry, a party for that guy in the play? - Yeah.
- Who cares? If I want to hang out with Broadway stars, I'll just turn on Grindr in a Mormon church.
No, no, no, no, no.
Leland Breakfast is not just some Tonys nerd.
He's Doctor Universe in the Marvel movies.
You know, the superhero with the power to manipulate the universe? It's kind of an unspecific power, isn't it? It could mean anything.
- Or nothing.
- Duh.
Not knowing that is his greatest weakness.
Okay, watch this, watch this.
There's a scene in "Avengers 3: Civil War 2: Requiem" where Doctor Universe is hurled back into a black hole.
I remember that.
I remember thinking, "You know, "perhaps if Doctor Universe can escape "Loki's vibranium chains, then "uh, maybe I could escape [sighs.]
The chains of my third marriage.
" Okay, I didn't know he knew Cobie Smulders.
I like him now.
He's cool.
Eh, I don't know.
Those superhero films, they're so low-brow.
Give me a great foreign film like "Madagascar" or "Kung Fu Panda.
" The craziest thing is that Leland actually asked Mindy out.
- Yeah.
- Aw, it figures.
All actors are sex addicts.
Took me forever to get rid of Robert Blake.
But when I did, did I ever.
I'm not interested, okay? I have Ben: a hot, age-appropriate boyfriend with a bad sense of smell.
Yeah, he can't smell nothing.
Has anyone seen Dr.
Kimball-Kinney? I need Mrs.
Gomez's blood work.
Oh, Jody won't be available until after lunch.
He said he needs to "set awhile" in his rocking chair and do some reckoning.
That seems like a strange request for a grown man from this century.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Check it him and Dr.
L had a thing, And then she rejected him, now she's flaunting her new love right under his nose.
How long could it possibly take for him to get over this? I was back at my gymnastics meet an hour after my grandfather's trial, so Well, listen, Kimball-Kinneys take romantic rejection very hard.
Our grandpa once got so heartbroken, he turned into the trunk of a willow tree.
I don't believe that, but I don't want to offend you, so I'm going to leave.
[upbeat music.]
Check this out.
I got you something.
Oh, you got me a book of poems.
- As a present.
- Yeah.
Cool.
I shall put it on my nightstand under a glass of water.
Oh, hey, what're you doing on Friday? Jeremy's having a party for his friend.
He's a well-known actor.
You might've heard of him.
His name is Leland Breakfast.
- Doctor Universe? - Mm-hmm.
I went as him for Halloween.
- Twice.
- When you were a kid, right? No, last year and the year before.
You know what? I'm excited you're excited.
Hey, do you think I can get him to sign my Doctor Universe action figure? No, and I don't want you to say that ever again.
Okay, no one can know that you collect dolls.
- Copy that.
- Okay.
- They're collector's items.
- Eh, eh, eh.
Hey.
You're more put-together than normal.
Were you arguing against evolution in court again? It was postponed so I could rebut some new fossils they found.
No, I am so attired because I am having dinner with a friend.
Like a hot date? Okay, you back in the game.
We've been worried about you.
At your age, I thought you'd have to go to an Exotic Marigold Hotel to find love.
Well, some things should remain private, Tamra.
Like how closely related Mother and Father are.
Good evening.
[whistles.]
Let's see where in the hell you going.
Dinner with Jen Trang.
Hmm.
[Salt 'N' Pepa's "Whatta Man" playing.]
- All right - Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get it, get it, get it, get it.
Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is good.
Colette, sorry to interrupt your little ice cream dance, But you know I'd only do that for something important.
That was a perfect take! - This better be good.
- It is.
Dr.
K is back in the saddle, y'all.
Last night, he went on a date with someone named Jen Trang.
And with a name like that, you know she's in her 30s.
- "Jen.
" - Oh, my God, Dr.
Trang.
I love her! Yeah, she's great.
And she's married.
I mean, how many times does Jody have to get shot before he learns not to cad around? His shoulder's more lead than bone! Hey, let's calm down, let's take it from the top again You know what, Morgan, I don't feel like dancing anymore.
What? No, no, no, no I'm gonna eat this ice cream, though.
Now we're gonna miss her festival deadlines.
Ugh, this is madness.
You can just hit command then C rather than clicking edit then copy every time.
Hey, man, if you're so good at computers, how come I was the one that had to teach you how to use the dog filter on Snapchat? You forced me to do that and then you mocked me for it.
Oh, hi.
Aren't you Dr.
Mindy Lahiri? - Yeah, I am.
- I work at the hospital.
I just recognize you because my boyfriend always speaks so highly of you.
Oh, your boyfriend works in the morgue, right? I do a Melania Trump impression for him.
"Oh, Donald, I'm too tired.
I don't want to go on campaign trail with you.
" [chuckles.]
Hey, who is that? Who's Donald? No my boyfriend's name is Ben.
Ben Miller.
I think he's your son's nurse.
[gasps.]
This is very embarrassing for you.
I'm sorry, Ben Miller is your boyfriend? - Yeah.
- Like, a boy that's a friend? Like Morgan and me? - Wait, I'm I'm your friend? - Oh, shh! It's just that, you know, he's literally never mentioned you, and I spent a lot of time with him.
Well, I can't imagine I would come up much when he's treating your son.
Do you have sex with him? Um, that's between him and me, but yes, he's so tender.
Okay, you need to go.
Take your blood, and your urine, and your adorable boyfriend stories and get your ass up out of here.
Goldilocks, I want you out of here.
- I'm sorry okay.
- Get out.
Thanks for choosing Shulman.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Command and V is paste.
So - Get out! - Ow, ow, ow, ow! - I'm performing a delivery! - [grunting.]
You are surprisingly strong.
Are you insane, barging in like that? The first words that baby heard were you calling me a skank.
Well, if you're not a skank, why did you go to dinner with my brother last night, Dr.
Trang? Your brother's Jody Kimball-Kinney? - Yeah! - I wasn't on a date with him.
Do I look like I want drug-resistant crabs? I was interviewing him for a job at my practice.
Oh, you tried to poach him like he's some delicious brunch egg? No, he came to me.
He said he felt uncomfortable at his practice and was looking for a change.
- Did he not tell you? - Sure.
Uh, yup, uh he didn't tell me.
Um, which is weird, 'cause, uh I mean, we definitely kept secrets from each other before.
All the time, all the time.
It's whoop-Dee-doo! Uh [inhaling.]
The show is called "Botched"? She looks better than me.
Hey, Min.
Been looking for ya.
You didn't respond to my text, asking you to go for a hike.
I didn't respond for two reasons.
First: how dare you? Second: how dare you? Okay, I don't think I completely understand.
Why did a lab tech come to my office and say that you were her boyfriend? Oh, my God.
Lisa? Lisa? It figures your hot girlfriend would have a sexy name like Lisa.
Look, she's not my girlfriend, okay? We're just hanging out.
Wait.
Are we just hanging out? No.
I mean, I don't know.
We haven't really talked about it.
Yeah, we haven't talked about it, but we're sleeping together.
You gave me a book of poetry.
[gasps.]
I almost read it! - Okay, I'm leaving.
- Wait, Mindy.
And you cannot come to that Doctor Universe party.
Unless you're "hanging out" with Scarlett Johansson, too.
[groans.]
Dr.
Trang told us you're trying to leave Shulman.
Were you gonna leave without me? Is there another sister/coworker I should know about? Well, knowing Father, there are almost certainly sisters we don't know about.
And yes, I am thinking about leaving.
Is this because every morning I go into your lunch and I take one slice of meat off your sandwich? Oh, my It is humiliating working with a person who has spurned you.
Every day, I have to watch Mindy butter her donut while she microwaves her bacon.
I can't take it.
You got rejected, bro.
Get over it.
Happened to me, too.
Think of it this way, we are both coworkers who were friend-zoned by Dr.
L, so we're, like, the same.
I've made up my mind, and once a Kimball-Kinney makes their decision, that duck is in the dog's mouth.
Is this because you walked in on me going to the bathroom and I had all my clothes off? Oh, for f [crying.]
- Oh, cheer up, Mindy.
- No.
I've got an idea.
Why don't you text Leland and see if he wants to take you to the party as his date? Yes.
Here.
It would really help me out.
I mean, it's Leland Breakfast.
All the women want to sleep with him and all the men want Want to watch.
Yeah, it's perfect.
Mm-hmm.
Shouldn't I break up with Ben first? But, wait were we even dating? Was that even his penis? Please, Mindy! If you care about me at all, you will do this.
Okay, okay! Ow! Fine, I'll sleep with a celebrity, jeez.
Excuse me.
Okay.
[clears throat.]
[sighs.]
Hey, do you have a date for Jeremy's party? There, I did it.
Okay? He's not gonna respond.
[cell phone vibrates.]
You're that cheeky bint with more curves than the Swindon roundabout, aren't you? I was planning on going on my Jack Jones, but I wouldn't mind taking you out for a spin.
Oh, my God, it's on.
I think.
Can you translate this? [mumbling.]
- Yes! - Ah! You about to be with Leland Breakfast.
- Oh! - Yes! Flecks of blood in stool.
Hey, Morgan.
Do you know if Mindy's cooled off yet? I want to go to her place to apologize, but I'm just not sure if I should wear a cup.
Too little too late, bro.
She will be going to Dr.
Reed's party with Leland Breakfast.
- You snooze, you fail.
- What? Damn it.
I wish I was Doctor Universe so I can go back in time and change what happened.
I thought his power was manipulating the universe.
Time travel is one of the ways he manipulates it.
Don't nitpick, I'm in a bad place right now.
Okay, what'd you expect, you got all sketchy with Dr.
L.
Look, technically, I wasn't cheating 'cause we never had the conversation.
No, no once people start falling back on technicalities, they know they're wrong, okay? Dr.
L said to me, "Morgan, you can't just walk into my office," but technically, she didn't say that I couldn't crawl or slither or scoot on my butt like a sick dog, but I know I'm wrong when I do it.
I think there's a good point in there somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Morgan.
[clears throat.]
Are you expecting a tip? Were you pleased with your service? Anyway, so, I said to Idina Menzel, "Darling, your chest appears to be 'defying gravity.
'" And then she, uh well, she smacked me across the face.
Real "Wicked"-like.
- Why? What's "Wicked"? - Shut up.
It's so nice that Jeremy threw this party for you.
He's typically pretty secretive.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Well, it is a pretty tiny flat.
We should really come and see my place in England.
You'd probably know it as Downton Abbey.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
What is "Downton Abbey"? No, cut it out.
Damn it, Colette! Dr.
Trang said they won't hire me because of your outburst.
They gave the job to a Korean medical robot who "causes less drama.
" Well, I'm glad that you can't leave, because now that we don't live together, the only time we see each other is work, weekends, and ballroom.
This was my best chance to get out of an intolerable work situation.
And the new office was next to my gym, L.
A.
Look.
Oh, you know what? This city has changed you.
You never worked out before.
I I like the way I look.
I like the new me.
Oh, yeah? You look like a fit Abe Lincoln.
I like looking like an L.
A.
man.
Psst! Princess Wanker, come here.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Uh, so I'm noticing that those two aren't really paying me any attention.
Something wrong? I mean, I are they seeing? Oh, oh, that's just my coworker.
Yeah, Jody's had some love troubles at work.
Oh.
Well, I know how we can cheer up our little Jody.
[claps.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I've just heard that a young woman here tonight by the name of Jody has been feeling romantically rejected at work.
Now, this may be hard to believe, but I can relate.
I rejected Margot Robbie on the set of "Doctor Universe 2: Winter Planet" and I can tell you, it crushed her.
- Yeah.
- Now, like Doctor Universe, I don't know all the powers I have.
[laughter.]
But with, uh, vague power comes, you know, vague responsibility.
- What're you doing? - Sorry.
So I would like to dedicate this song to our lovely, lonely, little Jody.
And I am Telling you I'm not going You're the best girl I'll ever know [Tom Eyen's "And I am Telling You" continues playing.]
And you and you and you You're gonna love me Oh oh oh You're gonna love me Yes you are Yes you are Whoa Love me Love me Love He's, like, a triple threat.
What're you doing here? I should've known that you were not gonna commit.
You're too handsome and normal.
If I was you, I'd have, like, 12 side pieces.
But it's fine, Doctor Galaxy thinks I'm a six.
Doctor Universe.
Doctor Galaxy is a totally different person.
He actually died pushing a hydrogen bomb into a black hole.
Cool.
Hey, will you hold on a second? Did it ever occur to you that I wasn't 100% sure you wanted to be serious with me? What? No, I suck.
What are you talking about? You don't suck, you're this fancy New York doctor - who went to Brown.
- Brown? I went to Princeton, son.
Whatever, they're both Ivy League.
Yeah, the way that Kim and Rob are both Kardashians.
Look, the point is, you're you, and I buy my groceries and jeans at the same store.
Okay, well, that's one way of looking at me.
The other is that I'm a single mom who's wearing one of my son's Pull-Ups as underwear because I didn't have time to do laundry.
Well, you're still pretty glamorous to me.
And if it counts for anything, the other girl never met my daughter.
Come with me.
Anna, stop it.
I'm trying to leave this embarrassment.
Maybe I'll walk into the ocean like Mother tried after Obama won.
Oh, what is wrong with you? Uh, I'm sad, the situation is horrible, my alcoholism is too high-functioning for anyone to intervene.
- You want to continue? - No, snap out of it! Cher said that once in a humorous movie I rented called "Moonstruck" I didn't care for it.
But my heart was broken and I Oh, holy sh I came to Shulman to treat vaginas, not work with one.
And yes, that is not something I'd like you to repeat because female genitalia are strong, hashtag I'm with her, the female Ghostbusters are better, blah, blah, blah, blah No! I took this job to work alongside great doctors.
Now, you can't just leave, you're the most normal one here.
Which is weird, because you're a spooky ghost from a Faulkner novel.
You are a mean woman.
Ugh, this is taking up too much of my time.
There! Now you kissed someone else, be normal again.
Do I have to do everything myself? Jesus.
[door closes.]
Ah, there you are, my little cupcake.
I just put the hat out and made $10,000 for Broadway Cares you're welcome.
Oh, my God.
Okay, well, I'll be out in a second.
Oh, hello.
Who's this? First of all, I just have to tell you, it's a huge honor to meet you, big fan.
So many questions for you, Doctor Universe.
Keep them short.
Second of all, this is my girlfriend now, so I'm afraid that your date is over.
I tell you what, why don't you piss off and, uh, leave me here with these two birds.
I love you, Leland.
Of course you do.
The lady's made her choice, my friend.
Hey, man, I just said that that's my girlfriend.
Well, what do you want to do, eh? What, have a fight? What, are you gonna punch me? Lay one on me right there, go on, go on, go on.
I'm not gonna hit Doctor Universe.
Oh, well, that's great, because that's how I win all my fights what's that? - [blow landing.]
- Oh, God.
- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Damn it, why didn't I just hit him first? I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Good night, Princess Wanker.
Oh, Leland, you're not leaving.
Um, what can I do to make you stay? Do you want to beat me up for old time's sake? No, Jeremy.
Your party was terrible.
I'm making my Brexit if anyone cares to join.
The drinks are on me, obviously, 'cause I'm massively rich.
Come on, everyone.
Oh, Mindy.
One last chance.
I just texted Jeremy Renner.
He's gonna bring some, uh, you-know-what.
Okay, I think you mean cocaine.
The answer's no.
Who needs Jeremy Renner when I have Jeremy Reed.
Okay, that's rude.
You should go.
Very well, I guess you'll never get to discover Doctor Universe's greatest power butt stuff.
- All right, Doctor, time to go.
- Okay.
That's pretty sexy, but he should go.
Yeah, you two, the fit ones, with me.
Uh, no way.
You were rude to Dr.
Reed, and only I'm allowed to do that.
I don't like the English.
Too emotional.
Yeah, I bet you'd love for me to go with you.
I'm not going to, I'm gonna tell you why.
One: I don't want to.
Two: I don't have an ID 'cause no one knows my birthday.
- My theory, sometime in March - Finished? Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Son of a bitch.
Go ahead, 'cause you can't hang out here.
Out, all of you.
Well, I'm ruined.
I can't go back to my reunion now.
Not that they ever invite me.
Don't be so down on yourself, Jer.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not going anywhere.
Jeremy, do you have any ice? Because my boyfriend was punched in the face.
My boyfriend.
Yeah, Dr.
Reed, can you play something? 'Cause I'm starting to regret not going to Renner's.
You know, I don't really have anything prepared.
Know it sounds funny But I just can't stand the pain Oh Girl, I'm leaving you tomorrow Girl, I begged, stole And I borrowed That's why I'm easy