The Nanny s05e05 Episode Script
The Ex-Niles
Well, it's been five days and I haven't lost a single pound on this darn liquid diet.
Maybe because it's gin.
( laughter ) Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that and stay so thin? I have a very fast metabolism.
Every time I think about how old I am and the fact that I'm still single my heart starts racing.
Niles, were you listening in on the terrace when I had my meeting with our accountant? I most certainly was not.
Good, 'cause I just had the French doors painted.
Oh, well, I'll warn the children.
( laughter ) Good God, man, is it so bloody important for you to know how much I'm worth? Niles, you have paint on you.
( laughter ) So do you ( phone rings ) Sir, I wasn't snooping.
I was cleaning.
Honestly.
Keeping this house in order is a round-the-clock job.
I hardly have time to skulk about.
Niles, it's the spy shop.
Your night vision goggles are in.
( laughter ) Let that be the last time I catch you snooping.
And tomorrow I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom.
Oh, sir, not the lifeline.
( laughter ) Honestly, if I were Mrs.
Sheffield, my first act would be well, my second act, would be to fire that no good lint trap.
If you were Mrs.
Sheffield, please hang up and dial again.
( laughter ) I am perfect for Maxwell.
I am dependable, respectable, and men are always drawn to my classic Swedish features.
So you're a Volvo.
( laughter ) Unfortunately for you, Mr.
Sheffield wants to get his hands on something a little sportier that he can take the top down.
( laughter ) Well, you know, obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do? Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell, give him a stick and see which one of us he whacks first? ( laughter ) No, I was going to say that we should get an impartial third party to be the judge.
But, you know, your way is a nice tip of the hat to Mexican culture.
An impartial third party.
Like who? Well, like, uh, Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
I met her once.
She's very smart.
She was on Hollywood Squares.
She knows things.
( laughter ) Oh! She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
Oh, thank you, Dr.
Joyce Brothers, thank you.
Oh, it's all set.
She's going to come over and observe us with Mr.
Sheffield and determine who will make the better wife.
- You're kidding! - No.
She has a great deal of respect for our experiment.
She has a musical she wants to pitch to Maxwell? Wrote a score for nuts.
( laughter ) Well, let's just keep this between us, because if Maxwell finds out neither one of us will have a shot at him and he'll think we're both morons.
Good, I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and you know what? In case he does find out, let's just tell him that Val thought of it, that won't be a tough sell.
( laughter ) What are you doing? Nothing ( laughter ) And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass from Chevron? You see, this is why we cannot have nice things.
( laughter ) You know, even if I could keep Dr.
Brothers coming here a secret, and I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas, ( laughter ) how do you plan to explain her presence to Mr.
Sheffield? The woman deals with the psychologically deranged.
She could be here for ma, me, Gracie, and let me tell you something, mister, you ain't far from the top of the list.
( laughter ) And don't you blab! I will know! Because Mr.
Sheffield always acts self-conscious when he knows he's being watched.
( laughter ) What? ( laughter ) - Nothing.
- Nothing.
Well, why are you staring at me? What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.
Well, I can't now, you're watching me.
It's makes me feel very uncomfortable.
( laughter ) So much for making amateur videos on our honeymoon.
( laughter ) I just hate these credit applications.
Date of birth "Not applicable.
" Mm.
Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday.
Well, what do you need another credit card for anyway? I wanna get credit so I can buy some new outfits to impress Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
I mean, look at me, Val, I look like a cheap tart.
And not in the good way.
( laughter ) Yeah, but I think under salary you made a mistake.
Well, that's because last time I put my real salary on an application they sent me food stamps and a box of government cheese.
( laughter ) You know, I remember that.
It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.
( laughter ) You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand down.
It sounds like I'm trying too hard.
Yeah, 50's too much.
Make it 49.
99.
That's how they sucked me in on the Abdominizer.
Yeah.
That's good.
( Sighs ) ( laughter ) When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing Sexual healing It's something that's good for me ( laughter ) ( thinking ) Oh, crap, I dusted through Rosie.
( laughter ) I can't believe she's applying for another credit card.
And I really shouldn't snoop, but maybe I'm a reference, in which case I have a right to know.
( laughter ) Where's age? Age, age, age, age.
Ah, this must have been age.
( laughter ) Let's see salary.
Sir, I demand a raise! Niles, I am actually in the room, so you might want to rehearse this somewhere else.
( laughter ) I am saying it to your face, this time.
I demand a salary increase, and I demand it now.
Well, that certainly took a lot of backbone, I must say.
You know, normally, my answer would be no.
But based on your bold approach, my answer is 'hell no!' ( laughter ) How dare you come barging in here like that making demands? Can't you see I'm busy? Yes, I know how much effort goes into ordering an air-conditioned pit helmet from The Sharper Image.
( laughter ) Niles, what exactly brought on this sudden surge of greed, anyway? Well, I was upstairs, looking through Miss Miss Magazine.
( laughter ) Did you know that like many women in today's marketplace I too am underpaid? Well, I happen to think you're very well-paid, for drinking my brandy, smoking my cigars and giving conducted tours of the house when I'm not here saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.
( laughter ) Bouvier, before she was married.
( laughter ) Niles, if it wasn't for me, you would still have that summer job playing ukulele on some London sidewalk with your partner Larry.
Well, at least Larry treated me like a human.
Well, of course he treated you like a human, he was a bloody monkey.
( laughter ) Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps it's time you made other arrangements.
Alright, then, you repressed tightwad.
I quit.
Oh good, go and quit then! Go! By the way, there was a call from someone who wants to back your new show.
Well, who was it? It was ( door slams ) ( laughter ) Oh, my God, Niles, did I just hear you quit? Mm.
How can you after all you two have been through together? Do you remember when Mr.
Sheffield had that horrible contagious flu? You were the only one that he would let in his room.
( laughter ) Yes, it's memories like that that will sustain me until I get to the curb outside.
( laughter ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield! You can't just let Niles go.
You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.
( Sniff ) Oh, God, do you smell delicious.
( laughter ) What is that? Are you wearing Aramis? ( laughter ) You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.
Niles is nosey, greedy, surly and he's gone.
Now, as lady of the house, I want you to start finding a replacement immediately.
Oh, come on.
You want me to replace my best "lady of the house?" ( laughter ) You know, that Niles could be surly from time to time.
( laughter ) What's going on? Niles quit! ( Applause ) ( doorbell ) I'll get it.
Oh, hi, ma, what are you doing here? Don't you remember, we're having lunch with Anne Frieda? It's the anniversary of her husband's death.
Oh, which husband? Well, since she's married seven, she decided to lump them all together like President's Day.
( laughter ) Well, as much as I'd love to watch you and Frieda fight over who gets the chicken butt, ( laughter ) I've really got to find a replacement for Niles.
I can't believe he quit, it's so sad.
I know.
I can still smell his chicken cacciatore.
It's like when you lose a limb and you swear it's still there.
( laughter ) ( doorbell rings ) That's Frieda.
Ma, you be nice.
Well, now that my sister-in-law Frieda is a millionaire, let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake.
( laughter ) Ma, you're going out to lunch.
Why do you need a cake? Oh, for the cab ride.
( laughter ) - Hi, Frieda.
- Hi.
Hi, Syl.
( laughter ) Oh, Sylvia I love the lighter rinse you're putting on your hair.
You know, it's nice, when you get a little older, to go a little softer.
Like your tuckus.
( laughter ) So, where's Mr.
Hunky Butler? Oh, Hunky went out the door-ey.
You mean he quit? Oh, well, maybe he left a little chicken cacciatore in a ziplock? Been there, done that.
( laughter ) You know, Frieda, I was just gonna say, I mean, it's kind of awkward for me, but since you're so loaded and you've got so much money Franele, say no more.
You're mishpucha.
Here, darling.
Oh, no, Frieda, I just meant I thought you should hire Niles.
Oh.
( laughter ) I don't know.
A butler? You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing people around.
Sylvia, a cold drink.
Move it.
( laughter ) I'll dance on your grave someday.
You know, maybe I could use some help.
I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.
Frieda, it's Lladro.
( laughter ) You can pronounce it.
I can afford it.
( laughter ) - Miss Fine? - Yeah, What's the matter? I just wanted to let you know you can call off the search.
C.
C.
's found the perfect butler, with sterling credentials I might add.
I'm very pleased.
- Oh.
- Thank you, C.
C.
Hehe.
You're welcome, honey.
( laughter ) Did you hear that? He's pleased with the help I hired.
I think Dr.
Brothers would approve.
Alright, you win.
When me and Mr.
Sheffield get married you can hire all the help.
( laughter ) Alright, girls, well, it looks like I can have lunch with you after all.
Ooh, how about Mexican? Nah, I'm in the mood for matzo ball soup.
Have you tried Casa de Haddasah? No, I hear they have great fajitos, kosher fajitos Oh, my God, they've got a tequila sunrise sunset.
And, finally, Trevor, this is the kitchen, your domain.
We have the butler's pantry on the left, the wine cellar on the right, and the trampy nanny on her ass.
( laughter ) Listen, Trevor, let's just get one thing straight right off the bat, you took my best friend's job, so you and I are not going to be compadres.
As long as we're being honest, I don't want your mother dropping by incessantly.
A woman her age should be retired and living in a warm climate.
( laughter ) You know, I got two tickets for Red Saturday night, what do you say we go together? ( laughter ) And, as for your attire, it is inappropriate for the nanny to be seen in such revealing outfits in front of the master and his children.
Please, if I wanted to be revealing, I could have unbuttoned these buttons and I wouldn't have worn a bra.
Oh, woo, peek-a-boo.
( laughter ) How can you stand him? I mean, he's so cold, stuffy and repressed.
I know, honey, but he is your father.
Oh, you meant Trevor? Why are you children still here? You should be in school.
Oh, Fran is taking us to Maury Povich to see that 80-pound baby.
Mm.
Here, dad doesn't need to know.
Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed.
This one's gonna be trouble.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Oh, my God, Frieda.
( laughter ) I know.
It took forever to paper up those carved mahogany walls.
( laughter ) But, don't judge it now.
When I get my furniture out of storage, it will fill in all those bare spots.
( laughter ) Listen, Frieda, I want to talk to you about Niles.
I want him back, and you can get anyone to do what he does around here.
Niles: Oh, Frieda! It's booty call! ( laughter ) Niles, you hussy you.
Don't knock it, baby.
You're wearing a diamond ring? And a dental plan! ( laughter ) I'm shag-a-delic, baby.
( laughter ) Oh, Franny, it's so nice to have a man around the house.
Nilesy, I'm going to start the bath.
Don't be long, my private dancer.
( laughter ) Niles, I don't believe you.
Dressing up in sexy clothes, throwing yourself at your boss.
It's sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.
( laughter ) Well, it seems the only way I can make your high salary is to shake my groove thing with aunt Frieda.
What do you mean, 'my high salary'? I saw your credit card application.
You put down that you make $50,000 a year.
Oh, I had to.
That's the same thing when I tell Mr.
Sheffield that I'm 29.
I'm seeking "approval.
" ( laughter ) Now, come on, I'm taking you home.
No, no, I will not have Mr.
Sheffield constantly calling me a "snoop.
" I have my dignity.
Frieda: Nilesy, put on the bell with the Speedo with the bull's-eye.
( laughter ) Look, it's too late to come back now.
I've made Frieda's bed, and now I have to lie in it.
( laughter ) Well, fine.
Just remember, I've been working with Mr.
Sheffield almost five years, and still I haven't slept with him.
It's official.
I'm a schmuck.
( laughter ) I fixed you a drink, Miss Babcock.
I thought you might be nervous about Dr.
Brothers' visit.
I hope she picks you.
( laughter ) Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.
Nanny Fine might be dumb enough to honor our deal, but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.
( laughter ) Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low! Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school! I had trouble finishing school.
( Doorbell rings ) Well, you look ridiculous.
That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack.
( laughter ) On you it sings! ( laughter ) Hello, C.
C.
Babcock, everyone's choice for Mrs.
Sheffield.
( laughter ) Hi, Dr.
Brothers, good to see you again.
( laughs ) You know, I don't want you to feel any pressure at all to pick me, you know, just because I could get Mr.
Sheffield to listen to your score for Nuts.
I'm a professional, dear, you can't play passive-aggressive with me.
Oh, well, what do you say to this? I got a rich aunt.
There's more where that came from.
( laughter ) No? Dr.
Brothers, you don't need her.
I am in show business.
I can arrange that pitch a meeting with Maxwell.
I promise.
( laughter ) Ma, where did you come from? ( laughter ) The butler wouldn't let me in.
The boy had to help me up the trellis.
( laughter ) The Sheffield line ends here, okay? ( laughter ) I want to come back, hide me please? What happened? I can handle the Jacuzzis, and giving the oil massages, I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I will not do windows.
( laughter ) Frieda: Nilesy! Oh, God, Sasquatch.
( Arguing ) Quiet! Trevor, what the hell is going on in my house? I wouldn't know, I don't get involved in other people's business.
Well, that's not much bloody good to me, is it? ( laughter ) You're fired.
( Cheering ) - You, you're rehired.
- Do I get a raise? - No! - I'll take it.
( laughter ) - Hello.
- Hello.
Miss Fine, what is Dr.
Joyce Brothers doing in my sitting room? Well, if you must know, she's here to decide whether me or Miss Babcock is more right for you.
Not that it's any of your business.
( laughter ) What? You can't be serious.
You two have turned into a couple of complete morons.
- It was Val's idea.
- It was Val's idea.
( laughter ) Dr.
Brothers, I don't know under what pretence these two got you here, but I do apologize for their lunacy.
No problem.
Act one: a lone, schizophrenic prostitute sings.
( laughter ) I stabbed a man in the guts Now they call me nuts But I can't help it ( laughter ) ( applause ) Yes, and this is the room where Miss Bouviere first met Niles! Tour is over, no refunds.
( laughter ) ( applause )
Maybe because it's gin.
( laughter ) Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that and stay so thin? I have a very fast metabolism.
Every time I think about how old I am and the fact that I'm still single my heart starts racing.
Niles, were you listening in on the terrace when I had my meeting with our accountant? I most certainly was not.
Good, 'cause I just had the French doors painted.
Oh, well, I'll warn the children.
( laughter ) Good God, man, is it so bloody important for you to know how much I'm worth? Niles, you have paint on you.
( laughter ) So do you ( phone rings ) Sir, I wasn't snooping.
I was cleaning.
Honestly.
Keeping this house in order is a round-the-clock job.
I hardly have time to skulk about.
Niles, it's the spy shop.
Your night vision goggles are in.
( laughter ) Let that be the last time I catch you snooping.
And tomorrow I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom.
Oh, sir, not the lifeline.
( laughter ) Honestly, if I were Mrs.
Sheffield, my first act would be well, my second act, would be to fire that no good lint trap.
If you were Mrs.
Sheffield, please hang up and dial again.
( laughter ) I am perfect for Maxwell.
I am dependable, respectable, and men are always drawn to my classic Swedish features.
So you're a Volvo.
( laughter ) Unfortunately for you, Mr.
Sheffield wants to get his hands on something a little sportier that he can take the top down.
( laughter ) Well, you know, obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do? Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell, give him a stick and see which one of us he whacks first? ( laughter ) No, I was going to say that we should get an impartial third party to be the judge.
But, you know, your way is a nice tip of the hat to Mexican culture.
An impartial third party.
Like who? Well, like, uh, Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
I met her once.
She's very smart.
She was on Hollywood Squares.
She knows things.
( laughter ) Oh! She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell make up but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
Oh, thank you, Dr.
Joyce Brothers, thank you.
Oh, it's all set.
She's going to come over and observe us with Mr.
Sheffield and determine who will make the better wife.
- You're kidding! - No.
She has a great deal of respect for our experiment.
She has a musical she wants to pitch to Maxwell? Wrote a score for nuts.
( laughter ) Well, let's just keep this between us, because if Maxwell finds out neither one of us will have a shot at him and he'll think we're both morons.
Good, I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and you know what? In case he does find out, let's just tell him that Val thought of it, that won't be a tough sell.
( laughter ) What are you doing? Nothing ( laughter ) And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass from Chevron? You see, this is why we cannot have nice things.
( laughter ) You know, even if I could keep Dr.
Brothers coming here a secret, and I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas, ( laughter ) how do you plan to explain her presence to Mr.
Sheffield? The woman deals with the psychologically deranged.
She could be here for ma, me, Gracie, and let me tell you something, mister, you ain't far from the top of the list.
( laughter ) And don't you blab! I will know! Because Mr.
Sheffield always acts self-conscious when he knows he's being watched.
( laughter ) What? ( laughter ) - Nothing.
- Nothing.
Well, why are you staring at me? What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.
Well, I can't now, you're watching me.
It's makes me feel very uncomfortable.
( laughter ) So much for making amateur videos on our honeymoon.
( laughter ) I just hate these credit applications.
Date of birth "Not applicable.
" Mm.
Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday.
Well, what do you need another credit card for anyway? I wanna get credit so I can buy some new outfits to impress Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
I mean, look at me, Val, I look like a cheap tart.
And not in the good way.
( laughter ) Yeah, but I think under salary you made a mistake.
Well, that's because last time I put my real salary on an application they sent me food stamps and a box of government cheese.
( laughter ) You know, I remember that.
It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.
( laughter ) You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand down.
It sounds like I'm trying too hard.
Yeah, 50's too much.
Make it 49.
99.
That's how they sucked me in on the Abdominizer.
Yeah.
That's good.
( Sighs ) ( laughter ) When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing Sexual healing It's something that's good for me ( laughter ) ( thinking ) Oh, crap, I dusted through Rosie.
( laughter ) I can't believe she's applying for another credit card.
And I really shouldn't snoop, but maybe I'm a reference, in which case I have a right to know.
( laughter ) Where's age? Age, age, age, age.
Ah, this must have been age.
( laughter ) Let's see salary.
Sir, I demand a raise! Niles, I am actually in the room, so you might want to rehearse this somewhere else.
( laughter ) I am saying it to your face, this time.
I demand a salary increase, and I demand it now.
Well, that certainly took a lot of backbone, I must say.
You know, normally, my answer would be no.
But based on your bold approach, my answer is 'hell no!' ( laughter ) How dare you come barging in here like that making demands? Can't you see I'm busy? Yes, I know how much effort goes into ordering an air-conditioned pit helmet from The Sharper Image.
( laughter ) Niles, what exactly brought on this sudden surge of greed, anyway? Well, I was upstairs, looking through Miss Miss Magazine.
( laughter ) Did you know that like many women in today's marketplace I too am underpaid? Well, I happen to think you're very well-paid, for drinking my brandy, smoking my cigars and giving conducted tours of the house when I'm not here saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.
( laughter ) Bouvier, before she was married.
( laughter ) Niles, if it wasn't for me, you would still have that summer job playing ukulele on some London sidewalk with your partner Larry.
Well, at least Larry treated me like a human.
Well, of course he treated you like a human, he was a bloody monkey.
( laughter ) Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps it's time you made other arrangements.
Alright, then, you repressed tightwad.
I quit.
Oh good, go and quit then! Go! By the way, there was a call from someone who wants to back your new show.
Well, who was it? It was ( door slams ) ( laughter ) Oh, my God, Niles, did I just hear you quit? Mm.
How can you after all you two have been through together? Do you remember when Mr.
Sheffield had that horrible contagious flu? You were the only one that he would let in his room.
( laughter ) Yes, it's memories like that that will sustain me until I get to the curb outside.
( laughter ) Oh, Mr.
Sheffield! You can't just let Niles go.
You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.
( Sniff ) Oh, God, do you smell delicious.
( laughter ) What is that? Are you wearing Aramis? ( laughter ) You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.
Niles is nosey, greedy, surly and he's gone.
Now, as lady of the house, I want you to start finding a replacement immediately.
Oh, come on.
You want me to replace my best "lady of the house?" ( laughter ) You know, that Niles could be surly from time to time.
( laughter ) What's going on? Niles quit! ( Applause ) ( doorbell ) I'll get it.
Oh, hi, ma, what are you doing here? Don't you remember, we're having lunch with Anne Frieda? It's the anniversary of her husband's death.
Oh, which husband? Well, since she's married seven, she decided to lump them all together like President's Day.
( laughter ) Well, as much as I'd love to watch you and Frieda fight over who gets the chicken butt, ( laughter ) I've really got to find a replacement for Niles.
I can't believe he quit, it's so sad.
I know.
I can still smell his chicken cacciatore.
It's like when you lose a limb and you swear it's still there.
( laughter ) ( doorbell rings ) That's Frieda.
Ma, you be nice.
Well, now that my sister-in-law Frieda is a millionaire, let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake.
( laughter ) Ma, you're going out to lunch.
Why do you need a cake? Oh, for the cab ride.
( laughter ) - Hi, Frieda.
- Hi.
Hi, Syl.
( laughter ) Oh, Sylvia I love the lighter rinse you're putting on your hair.
You know, it's nice, when you get a little older, to go a little softer.
Like your tuckus.
( laughter ) So, where's Mr.
Hunky Butler? Oh, Hunky went out the door-ey.
You mean he quit? Oh, well, maybe he left a little chicken cacciatore in a ziplock? Been there, done that.
( laughter ) You know, Frieda, I was just gonna say, I mean, it's kind of awkward for me, but since you're so loaded and you've got so much money Franele, say no more.
You're mishpucha.
Here, darling.
Oh, no, Frieda, I just meant I thought you should hire Niles.
Oh.
( laughter ) I don't know.
A butler? You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing people around.
Sylvia, a cold drink.
Move it.
( laughter ) I'll dance on your grave someday.
You know, maybe I could use some help.
I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.
Frieda, it's Lladro.
( laughter ) You can pronounce it.
I can afford it.
( laughter ) - Miss Fine? - Yeah, What's the matter? I just wanted to let you know you can call off the search.
C.
C.
's found the perfect butler, with sterling credentials I might add.
I'm very pleased.
- Oh.
- Thank you, C.
C.
Hehe.
You're welcome, honey.
( laughter ) Did you hear that? He's pleased with the help I hired.
I think Dr.
Brothers would approve.
Alright, you win.
When me and Mr.
Sheffield get married you can hire all the help.
( laughter ) Alright, girls, well, it looks like I can have lunch with you after all.
Ooh, how about Mexican? Nah, I'm in the mood for matzo ball soup.
Have you tried Casa de Haddasah? No, I hear they have great fajitos, kosher fajitos Oh, my God, they've got a tequila sunrise sunset.
And, finally, Trevor, this is the kitchen, your domain.
We have the butler's pantry on the left, the wine cellar on the right, and the trampy nanny on her ass.
( laughter ) Listen, Trevor, let's just get one thing straight right off the bat, you took my best friend's job, so you and I are not going to be compadres.
As long as we're being honest, I don't want your mother dropping by incessantly.
A woman her age should be retired and living in a warm climate.
( laughter ) You know, I got two tickets for Red Saturday night, what do you say we go together? ( laughter ) And, as for your attire, it is inappropriate for the nanny to be seen in such revealing outfits in front of the master and his children.
Please, if I wanted to be revealing, I could have unbuttoned these buttons and I wouldn't have worn a bra.
Oh, woo, peek-a-boo.
( laughter ) How can you stand him? I mean, he's so cold, stuffy and repressed.
I know, honey, but he is your father.
Oh, you meant Trevor? Why are you children still here? You should be in school.
Oh, Fran is taking us to Maury Povich to see that 80-pound baby.
Mm.
Here, dad doesn't need to know.
Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed.
This one's gonna be trouble.
( laughter ) ( laughter ) Oh, my God, Frieda.
( laughter ) I know.
It took forever to paper up those carved mahogany walls.
( laughter ) But, don't judge it now.
When I get my furniture out of storage, it will fill in all those bare spots.
( laughter ) Listen, Frieda, I want to talk to you about Niles.
I want him back, and you can get anyone to do what he does around here.
Niles: Oh, Frieda! It's booty call! ( laughter ) Niles, you hussy you.
Don't knock it, baby.
You're wearing a diamond ring? And a dental plan! ( laughter ) I'm shag-a-delic, baby.
( laughter ) Oh, Franny, it's so nice to have a man around the house.
Nilesy, I'm going to start the bath.
Don't be long, my private dancer.
( laughter ) Niles, I don't believe you.
Dressing up in sexy clothes, throwing yourself at your boss.
It's sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.
( laughter ) Well, it seems the only way I can make your high salary is to shake my groove thing with aunt Frieda.
What do you mean, 'my high salary'? I saw your credit card application.
You put down that you make $50,000 a year.
Oh, I had to.
That's the same thing when I tell Mr.
Sheffield that I'm 29.
I'm seeking "approval.
" ( laughter ) Now, come on, I'm taking you home.
No, no, I will not have Mr.
Sheffield constantly calling me a "snoop.
" I have my dignity.
Frieda: Nilesy, put on the bell with the Speedo with the bull's-eye.
( laughter ) Look, it's too late to come back now.
I've made Frieda's bed, and now I have to lie in it.
( laughter ) Well, fine.
Just remember, I've been working with Mr.
Sheffield almost five years, and still I haven't slept with him.
It's official.
I'm a schmuck.
( laughter ) I fixed you a drink, Miss Babcock.
I thought you might be nervous about Dr.
Brothers' visit.
I hope she picks you.
( laughter ) Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.
Nanny Fine might be dumb enough to honor our deal, but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.
( laughter ) Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low! Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school! I had trouble finishing school.
( Doorbell rings ) Well, you look ridiculous.
That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack.
( laughter ) On you it sings! ( laughter ) Hello, C.
C.
Babcock, everyone's choice for Mrs.
Sheffield.
( laughter ) Hi, Dr.
Brothers, good to see you again.
( laughs ) You know, I don't want you to feel any pressure at all to pick me, you know, just because I could get Mr.
Sheffield to listen to your score for Nuts.
I'm a professional, dear, you can't play passive-aggressive with me.
Oh, well, what do you say to this? I got a rich aunt.
There's more where that came from.
( laughter ) No? Dr.
Brothers, you don't need her.
I am in show business.
I can arrange that pitch a meeting with Maxwell.
I promise.
( laughter ) Ma, where did you come from? ( laughter ) The butler wouldn't let me in.
The boy had to help me up the trellis.
( laughter ) The Sheffield line ends here, okay? ( laughter ) I want to come back, hide me please? What happened? I can handle the Jacuzzis, and giving the oil massages, I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I will not do windows.
( laughter ) Frieda: Nilesy! Oh, God, Sasquatch.
( Arguing ) Quiet! Trevor, what the hell is going on in my house? I wouldn't know, I don't get involved in other people's business.
Well, that's not much bloody good to me, is it? ( laughter ) You're fired.
( Cheering ) - You, you're rehired.
- Do I get a raise? - No! - I'll take it.
( laughter ) - Hello.
- Hello.
Miss Fine, what is Dr.
Joyce Brothers doing in my sitting room? Well, if you must know, she's here to decide whether me or Miss Babcock is more right for you.
Not that it's any of your business.
( laughter ) What? You can't be serious.
You two have turned into a couple of complete morons.
- It was Val's idea.
- It was Val's idea.
( laughter ) Dr.
Brothers, I don't know under what pretence these two got you here, but I do apologize for their lunacy.
No problem.
Act one: a lone, schizophrenic prostitute sings.
( laughter ) I stabbed a man in the guts Now they call me nuts But I can't help it ( laughter ) ( applause ) Yes, and this is the room where Miss Bouviere first met Niles! Tour is over, no refunds.
( laughter ) ( applause )