The Neighborhood (2018) s05e05 Episode Script

1
This is my desk, my chair.
A picture of Grover, Gemma,
and me and my best friend, of course.
Dave
You took a picture of me
while I was asleep?
Is that drool?
You never pose for selfies.
Sometimes you gotta do
what you gotta do.
Then I gotta do this.
You know, it's exciting
to have a visitor at my J-O-B.
Well, I'm excited you offered
to take me out to E-A-T.
Not out, down.
Cafeteria's in the basement.
Today is Brunswick stew.
Brunswick stew in a basement.
Well, I'm glad I drove across town.
I'm just kidding, man.
I'm actually happy for you.
Ooh. There's my boss, Gregory.
I'm up for a promotion
and he's the one who decides
whether or not I get it, so be nice.
I'm always nice.
Be nicer than that.
Hey, Gregory!
Uh, brought a friend in
for Stews Day Tuesday.
This is Cal
Where's his ID?
It's in my pocket.
Yeah, it needs to be on your person.
My pocket is on my person.
(LAUGHS) Civilians, am I
right? Come on, Calvin.
That Brunswick stew's not
going to eat itself.
It was nice to meet you, Greg.
Oh, God
Not "Greg." Gregory.
Greg is my son.
He goes by Greg to spite me.
(LAUGHS) Doesn't work.
Well, how you feel about "G-Money"?
Not good.
All right.
Ha! I'm starving. Come on, Calvin.
Let's go. Now. Let's go. Come on.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
So this is what
a teachers' lounge looks like.
- Hmm. Is it everything you imagined?
- Oh, yes, Gemma.
Smells like bad coffee,
sensible shoes and low pay.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh, by the way, you should
probably call me Mrs. Johnson.
If the other teachers
know you're my friend,
they might think that
that's how you got the job.
Oh, yeah.
Because everybody knows
you don't get to be
a part-time after-school music teacher
unless you know people in high places.
Good afternoon, brilliant educators!
Ms. Davis, Mr. Ryan,
meet our new after-school
music teacher, Mrs. Butler.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Ooh. Bus duty. Tootles!
(CHUCKLES)
Welcome. Please call me Tammy.
- And I'm Scott.
- Oh. And I'm Tina.
But Ms. Butler, if you're nasty.
Oh, I see you.
You're fun.
First thing you need to know:
bring your own toilet paper.
It might as well be
sandpaper up in here.
And if you know what's good for you,
stay away from the baked goods.
Coach Spits has to touch
every one of them
and he never washes his hands.
Ooh, damn.
- That is so wrong. (LAUGHS)
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm excited to be here.
I'm so happy that Gemma
Mrs. Johnson Gave me the opportunity.
Oh, isn't she great?
So great.
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
But, like, come on. No one
can be that sunny all of the time.
(IMITATES GEMMA): "Good
afternoon, brilliant educators!
"Remember, if we inspire these kids,
they'll inspire us back!"
(SCOFFS) She is all
sunshine and rainbows.
No one can really be that perky.
It's gotta be fake.
And could she be more uptight?
TAMMY (IMITATES GEMMA): "Ooh!
"Remember, everybody.
If you're not early, you're late."
(BOTH GROAN)
Well, I-I think Principal Johnson
Oh, when she's not around,
it's "Principal Barbie."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're high-fiving that?
All right.
(LAUGHING)
(OTHERS CONTINUE LAUGHING)
Ooh, hey, Calvin.
I got it.
Well, I'm sure there's an
ointment out there to get rid of it.
No, I'm saying I got the promotion.
Well, all right!
Next lunch is on you, Mr. Big Shot.
And we're going to a restaurant
with cloth napkins.
Okay, sure, but the new job pays
the same as the old one.
And with all my new responsibilities,
I don't think I'm gonna have the time
to slip out for lunch as often.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
More work? Same pay?
Do you know what a promotion is?
Yes, but it's not about the money.
Look, when I was a conflict mediator,
yes, I got paid well.
But listening to rich people fight
over who gets which yacht was
I don't know, kind of soul-crushing.
Now I get to counsel veterans.
And helping people has
always been my passion.
(CHUCKLES) Dave,
fixing cars is my passion,
but you know what my other passion is?
Getting paid to fix cars.
Yes, okay, a bit more
money would be nice,
but it's the government. There's
not a lot of wiggle room.
There's always wiggle room
in any negotiation.
Houses, cars,
even those guys selling fruit
on the side of the highway.
They gotta make a deal
before that light changes.
I don't know. Gregory just
gave me the promotion.
Okay, would you stop being
such a people pleaser?
- Well, if it makes you happy
- Stop it.
Look, you don't want
to be taken advantage of.
Speak up for yourself.
Closed mouths don't get fed.
Now come on.
I'm going to show you how
to negotiate to get results.
All right? Let's act this out.
You be your boss, I'll be you.
Ooh, role-play.
Second time this week.
I really didn't need to know that.
- Come on, now, let's focus.
- Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hi!
I'm Dave Johnson.
I like kittens, matcha
and really short shorts.
Ooh.
That was good. I do like kittens.
Okay, Dave, would you
get into character?
Well, now you sound just like Gemma.
So the teachers at school
didn't know Gemma was my friend.
And they just started
talking trash about her.
Really? What'd they say?
How she's so nice.
Those monsters.
You weren't there.
And they said she was all
sunshine and rainbows.
Okay, Mom, help me out here.
What's the problem?
They clowned the way she talks.
Ooh, and they called her
"Principal Barbie."
Okay, that was rude.
So I gotta tell her, right?
Yes, you do. She has got to know.
What's wrong with you? I can't do that.
That'll just hurt her feelings.
You're right. Just keep it to yourself.
Are you out of your damn mind?
And not let her know what people
are saying right under her nose?
- Yeah?
- No?
You two are no help.
What did
(AS DAVE): If you want me
to take this job,
there are some things you're
gonna have to understand, Greg.
He doesn't like the name
Greg. He prefers Gregory.
No, Dave.
You don't like the name Greg.
You're Greg.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, right.
Uh (CLEARS THROAT)
I like to be called Gregory.
Where's your badge?
Okay. Forget my badge, G-Money.
I'm going to need a raise
to go along with that promotion.
More work, more money, my good man.
No can do. We don't
have it in the budget.
Hmm. Well,
it has been nice working
with you. Good day, sir.
What's Dave doing?
Dave is walking away.
Uh
Dave is walking away
from the job that Dave loves?
Yes.
Walking away is your superpower.
They've invested too much
time and money into you.
Once they know you're willing to walk,
that's when you got all the leverage.
I don't know, Calvin. Are you sure?
Trust me.
There's no way Gregory is
ever gonna let you walk.
You see these oranges?
Four dollars.
The man wanted five.
Well, if that's the way you feel,
I guess I have no other choice but to
walk away.
Just to be clear, I am walking away
from this job.
Actually, hang on.
Yes? What's that?
Do you want your last check
mailed to your home address?
I'll have you know
that I have direct deposit.
Still walking.
Here I go.
Out the door.
Across the threshold.
Walking through the hallway.
Past reception.
I'm now now making it
towards the stairs.
I begin my descent!
Good afternoon, brilliant educators!
How are you liking the staff?
Aren't they great?
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, um, I need to talk
to you about something.
Can it wait? I've got
to deal with a situation.
Jaden brought his mom's "microphone"
to show-and-tell today.
Turns out, it has three different
settings and is not a microphone.
Oh! Wow.
Oh. Okay. (CHUCKLES)
- Sure, sure. I-It can wait.
- Okay. See you later.
Oh, Principal Johnson.
Love, love, love your dress.
Oh, thank you.
It's an oldie but a goodie.
So, how's everybody doing today?
Oh, fine.
Or, as Principal Barbie would
say, "I'm super-duper great."
(LAUGHTER)
(IMITATING GEMMA):
It's an oldie but a goodie.
I'm so sunny and bright
in my peasant dresses
and I have glitter coming
out of my butt. (LAUGHING)
SCOTT (IMITATING GEMMA):
Well, howdy-doody!
I know how to milk cows
because I'm from Wyoming.
(LAUGHING)
Michigan!
She's from Michigan.
Are you sure?
Oh, yes, I'm sure.
Because she's my best friend,
and she can rock
a peasant dress, thank you.
Are you spying on us?
Ain't nobody spying on you.
But if you think I'm going to stand here
and let you talk about my best friend,
you got another think coming.
And Tammy, I wouldn't be
talking about people
with those eyelashes
looking like a spider
took a dump on my eyelids.
Mm
Mm-mm. (CLEARS THROAT)
Ah. Aha.
(COUGHING): Please don't.
Do you want to sit here
and play your brother?
I'm already playing my brother.
Yeah. Here we go.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, Dave.
MALCOLM: Hey.
Hey, how'd it go with Gregory?
Well, I did exactly what
you told me to do. I walked.
My man! (CHUCKLES)
I walked out the door, down the hall,
out to my car and now I'm here.
Without a job.
Wait. What?
Dave, you quit your job?
Oh, no, no, no.
I thought I was negotiating.
It wasn't until I got to my car
that I realized
I had quit.
But the "walk" always works.
Hey, Dave, man. Uh, I know how
you feel. Not that long ago,
I had quit my job,
but now I have my dream job.
Yeah, look, I got my dream job.
And now I've lost it.
I don't know what I'm gonna tell Gemma.
Look, hold on, hold
No one's gonna say anything to anybody.
I'll think of something.
All right. Well, I'm gonna walk home.
Because that's what I do now.
I walk.
David
Oh, man, I got to fix this.
I feel horrible.
I really blew this for Dave.
Hey, Pop?
I know this isn't
a good time, but, uh
(GASPS) Oh.
checkmate.
You boys are not going to believe this.
Mom!
- You know, you could knock.
- Why?
We could have been
doing anything in here.
Like what?
And "we"?
Will you two be quiet?
Look, I need your help.
Oh, no, Mama. What did you do?
Well, those teachers started
talking about Gemma again
and I kind of went off on them.
(BOTH GROAN)
What level of "kind of"?
I couldn't help it.
And now Gemma sent me a text. "See me."
She's going to want me to apologize.
Well, Ma, kind of sounds
like an apology is in order.
After what they said?
Whose side are you on?
They were talking smack about Gemma.
You got to stick to your guns.
Stick to my guns? You sound crazy.
You want me to lose my job?
I love working with those kids.
(BOTH STAMMER)
You know what? I don't know
why I come to y'all for help.
(ALL CLAMORING)
When are we going to learn?
Never get in the middle of an argument
between our mama and our mama.
Let me begin by saying
I'm sorry for not telling you
that Mrs. Butler was a personal friend.
She objected to things
that were said about me.
I get it, people need to blow off steam.
I don't know what was said,
and I don't need to know.
Now, Mrs. Butler, would you
like to say something?
- Um, yeah, thanks.
- GEMMA: Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
Could you elaborate?
So sorry.
Tina. If you can't be sincere,
what are we doing here?
Sincerity would be nice.
Oh, you want sincere?
Oh, oh. Okay.
That's what we're doing? Okay.
Well, in that case,
I sincerely apologize
for losing it when I heard y'all
talking trash about my best friend,
saying that she had glitter
coming out of her ass.
That's what you said?
That's what, that's what it was.
We accept your apology.
- He-he said the glitter thing.
- Oh
And I apologize,
from the bottom of my heart,
for going off on y'all
when y'all called her "Principal Barbie"
behind her back, like
little two-faced cowards.
You know, Gemma, you're right.
I like being sincere.
Principal Barbie?
I'm sorry.
We didn't mean anything by it.
You know what? I embrace it.
Barbie's been an astronaut,
a veterinarian,
a Mountie, and lives
in a Malibu dream house.
As far as I'm concerned, she's a boss.
Like me.
Your boss.
You have bus duty all next week.
Tootles!
Now that was a read.
- It was? Like a Tina read?
- Mm-hmm.
No, no. A Gemma read.
But still, admit it: you feel better.
- I guess I do.
- See?
But Tina, we can't do this again.
How about we agree, "What
happens in the teachers' lounge
stays in the lounge"?
Oh, that's fine.
Because now that I told them off,
they're gonna keep
your name out of their mouths.
You learned nothing, but thank you.
Well, hello, fellow coworkers.
It's the taco bar down at the cafeteria.
Yummy. (CHUCKLES)
Has anybody seen Gregory?
He's in his office.
Oh, good.
(CALVIN WHISTLING QUIETLY)
Other way.
Oh, of course.
Tacos on the brain, man.
Wait How'd you get in here?
Where's your badge? Oh!
Uh, uh, have it on my person this time.
That's David Johnson's.
Uh, yeah, but the scanner
downstairs doesn't know that.
(CHUCKLES) Had all the
privileges of a white man.
Got right on in.
Phillip! Deactivate
David Johnson's badge.
CALVIN: No, hold on.
Look, hear me out first.
But before you do that,
why don't you enjoy this
nice mocha latte? It's on me.
I'm lactose intolerant.
(STAMMERS)
Bit I bet you're not
allergic to $2 million.
Is that a winning ticket?
Who knows? I mean, could be.
But you gotta be in it to win it.
Now, let me put this on your person.
What do you want?
Look, I want you to give
my friend Dave his job back.
Oh, I didn't fire David.
He was the one who,
to use his own word, walked.
Well, actually, you know,
that was my word.
Which, in my defense, is usually
a pretty good strategy.
You ever try to buy fruit
from the side of the highway?
I'm a diabetic.
Uh Listen,
Dave didn't want to walk.
He loves this job,
and I know you'll never find
a better man for it.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- I just gave him some bad
- See? See?
- Calvin, will you show him my ID?
- It's fine, Maurice.
Yeah, that's right, it is fine, Maurice.
And next time, don't be
so quick with the Taser.
Malcolm told me
you were coming down here.
But, Calvin, this is something
I need to do myself.
Well, good luck getting your job back.
This guy's allergic to everything.
Hey, Gregory.
Uh, look, my friend here
he means well.
Gives me a hard time for being
too much of a people pleaser,
which I know some people find annoying.
(CHUCKLES) I'm "some people."
Look, Gregory, I love this job.
I care about vets because I am a vet,
which makes me more qualified
than anyone else in this department.
I deserve this job
and I think I deserve the raise
that should have come with it.
David, I would love
to give you the raise,
but you know the government
I-I do, I do know the government.
And I also know that there is
wiggle room in any negotiation.
I mean, that's why the taco bar
now offers flour and corn tortillas.
That's true. A lifesaver
for the gluten-sensitive.
I suppose I could free up some money
if I reclassify your position.
Make you liaison to
the assistant division director
instead of assistant to the
divisional director's liaison.
Is that not the same thing?
Not even close.
I'll take that promotion.
- Thank you.
- CALVIN: Well, hey, uh,
Gregory? Since you're
in such a giving mood,
how about giving my man here
a better parking spot?
If you leave, I will do that.
Then I am walking.
What would you do without me, man?
- Mic drop! Mic
- No!
Oh. Oh.
Sorry.
Aw, there's lactose everywhere.
Ah, look at this.
Thanks, man.
Picture of me and my bestie.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, I want Gregory
to see this every time he comes in here.
That way he knows
if he messes with Dave,
he messes with me.
Oh, good. Your friend's back.
With his pass on his person.
I need those reports, David.
- Yeah.
- You know, actually, he prefers Dave.
I prefer David.
I respond to both.
No, Dave.
You do not have to please
anyone but yourself.
You're right.
Um, Gregory, I prefer Dave.
Fine.
Dave. (CHUCKLES)
Cal.
What the hell that man just call me?
GREGORY: You heard me, C-Money!
Oh, this is not about to be a thing.
I think he's warming up to you. Cal.