The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e05 Episode Script

What are you doing here? The gym is closed for a week.
Somebody flushed the "Do not flush tampons" sign down the toilet.
It's a disaster.
- Lunch? - I can't.
My assistant quit.
She left me with this huge mess.
I found my insurance forms shoved into a drawer with what smells like an egg salad sandwich.
Please, God, let it be an egg salad sandwich.
Don't answer your own phones.
Makes it seem like you're running a two-bit operation here.
Good morning.
Thank you for calling Dr.
Kimble's office.
I have another call ahead of you.
Please hold.
What are you doing? Make it seem like you're busy.
More professional.
Thank you for holding.
How can I help you? Dr.
Kimble's all booked up on Friday.
I'm not booked on Friday.
I'm not booked on any day.
I see your 10:00 a.
m.
, I raise you a 2:00 on Wednesday.
Great.
My pleasure, hon.
That was amazing.
Whose voice was that? That's my secretary voice.
My first job in high school was answering phones in a doctor's office.
I could handle three lines and not laugh when I answered the phone, "Dr.
Getsoff.
Please hold".
But I had to quit when Dr.
Pullit joined the practice.
Couldn't get through Pullit and Getsoff without laughing.
I really do need some help here.
I was wondering, do you think you could fill in until I find someone? It's been a long time.
I don't know if I'm re Good morning.
Thank you for calling Dr.
Kimble's office.
Please hold.
Dr.
Kimble's office.
Please hold.
Drs.
Pullit and Getsoff.
Please hold.
That was just for you.
Synch : So.
Come on! We're gonna be late for my first appointment.
Good morning, Mary.
Lou and Rhoda are in the car already.
Let's go.
Don't start.
This is what I wore when I worked at Dr.
Getsoff's.
If you hang on to your clothes long enough they come back in style again.
Not yet.
Look at this.
Clove cigarettes and diet pills.
God, I loved the '70s.
Nothing was bad for you.
Except for fashion.
Hey, Maude.
What? You don't like my outfit? I didn't notice your outfit.
Shut up.
I'm restarting my secretarial career.
I'm answering phones for Matthew for a week while the gym is closed.
You two are working together? Isn't that kind of weird? You're living with the woman who left you at the altar.
We're friends now.
I mean, do I still snoop through her purse and read her texts and log onto her Facebook page? Sure.
But only as a friend.
What's Facebook? You're gonna love it about 30 years from now.
I'm starting to get hungry.
What should we do for lunch today? Our sushi roll place? We haven't been there in a while.
I won't be able to have lunch with you today.
I have plans.
If you have plans, that's your business.
Where you going? Who you going with? I have a date.
A date? That's awesome.
Who's your date with? Where you going? We're going to the sushi roll place, so I would appreciate you went elsewhere.
Our sushi roll place? - Do you want me to go somewhere else? - Just do me a favor, don't order our sushi roll.
That's a special roll for us.
If the guy wants to order a California roll, I'm not gonna stop him.
You did great work today.
We've got you on the books for next week.
Validation Tissues Smoke? That's okay.
We're trying to keep Nancy away from fire.
So who's my next patient? Actually, you have a little break.
Sandra, your 11:00, cancelled.
She cancelled? She say why? She was a little upset when she called, but then I talked her down and she felt so much better, she just canceled her appointment.
That woman is a mess.
It's court-ordered therapy.
What did you say to her? Same thing you would've said, probably.
This therapy thing isn't science.
Yes, it is.
It's science.
It's behavioral science.
And I'm a trained professional, and you're an assistant.
How dare you.
I'm a secretary.
You can't be talking to my patients.
You're not trained.
I have a license, a degree.
Oprah's boyfriend talked at my graduation.
So I spoke to a couple of your clients.
- What's the big deal? - A couple? More than one? Three.
You're unbelievable! You're a secretary! I am an executive assistant.
And I am a doctor.
Not "doctor", doctor! "Fine.
" Stop mocking me.
How about this idea? How about you thanking me for helping you out this week? How about a little appreciation for me? You are 100% wrong, and until you apologize I'm not speaking to you.
I am not apologizing for helping you.
And stop yelling at me, because I think I took too many of those diet pills, and I'm having these weird, crazy energy surges.
Man, those things are good! You're fired.
You can't fire me.
I am as high as a kite! Fired! Good morning.
Welcome to Dr.
Kimble's office.
Do you have an appointment? Do you have an appointment? I'm the secretary.
I'm Max Kershaw.
I share the suite with Dr.
Kimble.
You mean Dr.
Jackass.
Are you from that temp agency? Matthew is my brother.
I'm Christine.
Yes, he told me about you.
Thank you.
Would you excuse me just for a second? Good morning.
Dr.
Kimble's office.
Please hold.
That phone didn't ring.
I think I took too many pills and the ringing might be in my ears.
You wanna get the door? Should I call someone to pick you up? I'm fine, I really am.
It's just that Matthew and I never really fight, and we live together and we work together.
We did work together, you know.
He fired me.
He's my best friend.
You seem like you need a hug, but I have this unwritten rule which became a written rule, about not hugging women in my office.
It was a miscommunication followed by a weekend in Ojai, followed by a a two-month suspension of my license.
No, it's okay.
You don't have to hug me.
I just came to get my mail, and then I have to run an appointment, but I could come back.
Later? Sure.
- That would be great.
- We could talk.
I like to talk.
I like to listen.
Perfect.
I should get going, too.
I have to pack up all my stuff, and maybe call poison control.
Here are your messages, doctor.
If there'll be nothing else, I'll be punching out.
Forever.
I am sorry that I yelled.
You did more than yell.
You fired me.
So if you'll just give me my severance package I'll be on my way.
You did a great job, but you can see how it's a violation to counsel my clients, can't you? - You do it.
- Yeah, but I'm a You know what, let's just stay clear of this subject.
- You ready to go home? - You go ahead.
I have a date.
With who? Dr.
Kershaw.
You better be kidding.
Why? He's not one of your clients.
He's just my mentor.
Christine, how did this happen? I don't have to tell you.
Doctor-girlfriend confidentiality.
You're not going out with him.
Because this is my office, he is my mentor and you are my employee.
Your employee? No, I don't think so.
I was laid off.
Just stop it.
You just leave those things in the '70s where they belong.
Come on, you're coming home with me.
I'm not going anywhere with you, little man.
I have asked you not to call me that.
Little man? What's wrong with little man - Little man? - Stop it.
This is my office.
And I am a doctor, damn it.
And I am the boss of you.
Are you little man? I am calling mom.
Sorry.
I think I crashed from too many of those diet pills.
They should warn you about that.
Look They do.
No need to explain.
I've walked into a lot stranger things in this office.
Long story involving some very unflattering photographs, a night in the emergency room and a three-month suspension of my license.
Matthew really struck gold in the mentor department.
You have nice teeth.
Thank you.
And you have nice I am not going down that road.
I'm promised the state.
I don't have a whole lot of time, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna jump right in.
Let's do it in here.
Man knows what he wants.
I'm ready if you are.
I'm not used to a whole lot of wooing, but, this is a little fast, even for me.
It's okay.
Why don't you just lie down and get started.
On my brother's couch? What are you gonna do? I'll jump in when the time is right.
You know, I'm really not that kind of girl.
Well, I'm not really a girl.
I'm more of a gal.
But I'm not really that kind of gal.
What kind of gal? The kind of gal that sleeps with someone on their first date.
Date? I thought you wanted a session to talk about your brother.
Session? Did you think we were gonna have On your brother's couch? That never even entered my mind.
I swear.
I've been given some very strict guidelines by a very strict judge.
I am just mortified.
I'm sorry.
It seemed like you were having a really hard time with your brother.
I thought you needed help.
Well, of course I need help.
I'm just a disaster.
Since we're here and you're already humiliated, do you wanna talk about it? No, I don't need to talk about it.
It's just that he's my only brother and it's the biggest fight we ever had.
Do you mind if I just lie down? Before we get started, I have to ask you, if I had asked you out, would you have said yes? I did say yes.
And just so you know I am that kind of gal.
Damn it.
You scared me.
What are you doing? Why are the lights off? Why do you keep calling and hanging up on my cell phone? Christine, we're roommates.
I had questions.
Like Do you mind if I finish that Chinese chicken salad in the refrigerator and who the hell have you been out with for 6 hours? I don't think that was my Chinese chicken salad.
I thought it was yours.
When did I have Chinese chicken salad? Who have you been out with for 6 hours? You don't know him.
Well, you might.
Did you follow the Olympics? Relax.
It was awful.
I forgot how brutal it is to be out there dating again.
- It is? - Yes.
The uncomfortable meal, the awkward small talk.
"Look, these are my medals.
This is my apartment.
" "You can see ocean from here.
" The parazzi Sounds like my night.
"Will you deliver a pizza for one?" "Are you sure you don't wanna hang out before you deliver the rest?" "Then try this credit card.
" God, if I wasn't such a sexual person, I would just stay home and forget the whole thing.
Sexual.
I didn't sleep with anyone.
I'm not gonna sleep with strangers.
But I've got to sleep with someone.
I don't know what to do.
What to do Since we're already living together in this house anyway do you think it would be a terrible idea if we What are you doing? I was hopeful this was where the conversation was going.
I have something to say and I want you to listen to me.
I made a mistake.
I was only seeing you as my little brother, and not the competent professional that you've worked so hard to become.
And I would like to take responsibility for that and ask you to forgive me.
I can hear that you're still angry and you're entitled to your feelings but do you think that we can eventually move past this? Matthew, come on.
I only had one hour of therapy.
He didn't tell me what to do if you were a total flipping jerkhole.
- Wait, you went to therapy? - Yes.
God, it was totally humiliating.
I mean, I thought Max and I were on a date, and he just thought I needed help.
You went to therapy? I don't wanna cross any boundaries or anything, but I'd really like to call him and see if he'd see me again.
I mean, if that's okay.
Are you kidding? Don't mess with me.
Are you really finally gonna get help? Is the nightmare over? - Hey, guys.
What's going on? - Christine's going to therapy.
Thank God the nightmare's over.
Why are you here? I wanted you guys to be the first to know I'm back together with new Christine.
What a day! I don't know what's better news.
You getting back together with new Christine or Christine going to therapy.
No contest.
Christine going to therapy is huge.
Go a lot.
Pay attention.
Is the coast clear? Matthew's gone.
And we had a fantastic - day at work, thanks to you.
- Glad I could help.
And I'm glad you called me.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
So should we get started? Right now? I usually prefer a little dirty talk, but What are you doing? Kissing you.
Kissing me? Why? Because you called and said you wanted to see me again.
And you meant Damn it.
Crap.
We did it again.
You'd think as a therapist, I'd be better at reading people.
I thought you were attracted to me.
I am.
But, you know, you're my therapist.
Look, there are a lot of therapists in this town, but there's not that many people I'm attracted to.
And I'm gonna say this to you right now, I'm a better kisser than I am a therapist.
And I'm not even that good a kisser, according to my therapist.
So What do you say? Do you wanna go out with me on a date? Do you mean to a restaurant or something? I just wanna make sure we're talking about the same thing.
Yes.
A date.
You know, I flash my teeth, you flash your You know, a date.
But you should know that my brother and my ex-husband are going to be devastated.
They think I'm crazy.
What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? - What's the matter? - You can't just come up and touch me any time you want.
We had an arrangement.
We'll have sex out of necessity at predetermined times that are mutually convenient for both of us.
Mutually convenient? We're not setting up an appointment with the cable guy.
- We're back together.
- Why would you think that? Christine last night? Remember? Massage oil, 4 hours, the neighbors called to ask if our guinea pig was okay.
It's just sex.
I thought you said you could separate.
I don't think I can.
I love you.
Don't say that.
If you love me, we're not gonna be able to live together.
Then I guess we're not gonna be able to live together, because every time I see your face, it breaks my heart.
Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna look for my own place.
Then tonight, would it be okay if we went to our sushi place? That's what I thought you were gonna say.
It's just that my mother has never acknowledged anything that I've ever done.
She's never been on my side.
I don't mean to rush you And this is terrific date banter, but Could we continue this conversation at the restaurant? Max, I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I ended up telling you my whole life story.
You're just so easy to talk to and my mom is such a bitch.
- We're not dating, are we? - No, we are.
Just We're getting to know each other.
What's your mom like? Mine's a bitch.
I think I might need a therapist more than a boyfriend.
God, yes.
I really am attracted to you, though.
Maybe it's because of your connection to my brother Matthew and I am really sick.
Boy, you know, this time I might lose the license altogether.