The Simple Life (2003) s05e05 Episode Script

ED: Hunter and Paris, up to my office please.
Hunter and Paris, up to my office please.
NARRA TOR: Big Ed likes to keep his counselors on their toes.
-HUNTER: Did you do anything? -No.
NARRA TOR: So today he's planted an unfriendly-looking pet in camp to test how Paris and Hunter deal with a reptile emergency.
-I got a special assignment for you two.
-Really? We have two snakes down at the nurse's cabin.
Are you being serious? You're being dead serious? I'm dead serious.
-Do you like snakes? -I hate snakes.
I just What is this? This is a snake hook.
You'll hook it quickly.
You bring it up, and drop it in the bag.
If a boyfriend was mean Just wait You gotta be (BLEEP).
(BLEEP) -Are you a man? -I am a man.
-Or a little girl? -Look, I'm definitely a man, but, like, Paris, that thing is gigantic.
I'm not messing with this thing at all.
(GASPS) (HlSSlNG) This is some messed up (BLEEP) crap! You're such a (BLEEP).
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Remember when Britney looked so hot when she had the snake all around her -at the MTV Awards? -Yeah, I do remember that.
You're doing pretty well yourself.
-Sit.
Down.
-PARlS: Let go of me.
HUNTER: Hey, come here.
You're taking your shirt off again? I'm not taking my shirt off I'm taking my I'm sweating.
(SCREAMS) -You're such a (BLEEP).
-I'm not It's a snake.
You apparently are definitely charming him.
(TAlL RATTLlNG) Watch it.
I don't know what the other one's doing.
Maybe they're boyfriend and girlfriend.
That's a possibility.
I got this one handled.
Bye, little girl.
(CHUCKLES) (HONKlNG) Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? Hi, I'm Dr.
Diana, and I'm a psychologist and love expert.
-Hello! How are you? -I'm fine.
Hi, Dr.
Diana.
I'm Ed.
We are going to work with five couples and create a breakthrough in terms of their relationships.
This is Dr.
Diana Kirshner.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
-Good to meet you.
This is Paris and this is Nicole.
I think that Paris and Nicole will have very interesting relationship advice to pass on to our campers.
Well, I'm really excited to have you guys here.
This is Camp Love.
We're all about love building and love boosting.
Now here's the big goal for this week, is to really be able to help these couples come to a new level of closeness and a deeper love.
We love each other.
Is that the same? It's a little different.
Are they gonna be staying in the same rooms? Well, this is the thing.
You're going to be staying with the guys, and Hunter and Matthew are going to be bunking with the women.
What? -There's no conjugal -No, there's no conjugal visits.
I don't want people doing that in the room we're sleeping in.
That's disgusting.
DR.
DlANA: No, no, no.
There's no conjugal visits.
It's gonna smell.
The reason we're doing that is so that women can get the men's point of view, and the men can get the women's point of view.
Are you on board? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
Okay, good.
So we're gonna do it.
(THUNDERlNG) NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole's romance skills will soon be put to the test as Dr.
Diana 's desperate couples arrive at Camp Shawnee, ready to re-ignite their lost sparks.
Well, welcome to Camp Love.
This is all about love building and love boosting.
We're gonna stop love busting dead in its tracks.
Right now, Paris and Nicole are going to ask you some questions.
So, where are you guys from? My name is Kim.
I'm from Washington D.
C.
And I'm Dominic from Boston, but we live in San Diego together now.
I wanna be engaged, and I wanna get married.
I have absolutely no plans to propose to Kim.
I think that Dominic has a really weird perspective on growing up.
-Where's the first place you guys kissed? -ln my car.
-Yeah? -No, it was at the diner.
-No, it wasn't -Don't tell me it wasn't the diner.
It was the diner.
We have been together 43 years No, 43 years, April the 8th.
We're always bickering.
Forty-three years.
How long have you been together? -Oh, God.
-Twelve years.
-Yeah.
On again and off again.
-Twelve years.
And when you were like off again, did you guys cheat on each other? -Oh, no.
-Yes.
Hi, my name is Peter, and this is Scott.
We came to work on some issues that we have as a couple.
So, you think we'll make it? Yeah.
What do you mean? Okay, good.
Thank you.
What do mean, "Think we'll make it"? That's like a negative thing.
Are you guys swingers? He is on his own.
Hi, my name is Bree and this is Danny, and we've been together for two years.
We need a lot of communication skills.
-Problem solving.
-Problem solving.
PARlS: How long have you been together? Too long.
Ten years plus.
I'm here to let him know that he's always wrong, so Yeah, we just got married New Year's Eve, this past year, so PARlS: Were you wasted? All the time.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) If you're a female, we bunk you in the boys' cabin over here.
If you're a male, we bunk you with Paris and Nicole over in the girls' cabin there.
NARRA TOR: While the campers finish settling in, Paris and Nicole receive a very special visit.
-Hi, Mom.
-Hi.
-Hi, honey, how are you? -Hi.
-How are you? -Wow, camp.
-Look at these girls.
-What are you doing here? I just wanted to make sure that you two are behaving.
Go like this.
We are.
NARRA TOR: While Paris and Nicole catch Kathy up on camp, Dr.
Diana gives the couples some individual attention.
A relationship is like you're walking on a tight rope.
And if you're not constantly working on it, you fall, in an instant.
What is one thing you want to get out of the camp? What is that one thing? It's responsibilities.
She has none.
I have all the responsibilities in the world.
-No, no! -Exactly.
Exactly.
You're missing the whole point.
Your goal is, by the end of the camp, to what? My goal is to have her pay the damn bills.
This is our room.
-My bed and Nicole's bed.
-Am I missing something? (KATHY LAUGHlNG) -What's up, guys? -BOTH: Hey, what's up? -Are you one of the roommates? -Yeah, Dominic.
-Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
-Nice to meet you.
He sleeps with us.
Okay, now, are you married? Are you dating? DOM: I'm not married right now.
-I would like to be.
-Right.
But I'm definitely still scared to.
You know what, we got married, my husband and l, -I was 19 and he was 24.
-Yeah.
And we started out with nothing, had Paris a year later.
-And you just have to go for it.
-I'm -lf you keep thinking -I am apprehensive.
I'm apprehensive.
You might be feeling that, "Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free?" Is that what it is? Why buy the milk when you got the cow for free? She's on the lnternet 24 hours a day.
She's married to the lnternet.
Yeah, all you see is the shopping network.
Wait a second.
Where's my whistle? Now she's gonna get it.
(WHlSTLE BLOWlNG) That was love busting.
Why did I blow the whistle on you? I didn't do anything.
-This is the lovely kitchen.
-Hi, Jorge.
NlCOLE: He gives really good massages.
You're the masseuse here and the cook? -Yes.
-Oh, that's great.
How's your week been? Just trying to plan the summer and Barron's got spring break now, so That does feel good, I have to say.
Just a little harder.
No, seriously.
We can't let Dad see this, though.
NlCOLE: These are the rest of the campers.
-This is Paris' mom.
-KATHY: Hi.
How are you? -Hi.
-What's going on with these two? You mind if I ask one question? -Okay, go ahead.
-Not at all.
-What's in the cup? -Why? Did you want some? You're drinking wine right now? It's like 10:30 in the morning.
It's gotta be, like, 5:00 somewhere in this nation, right? (ALL LAUGHlNG) All right, honey.
-Love you.
-Love you.
-I'll see you soon.
I love you, honey.
-Love you.
-I'll see you soon.
I love you, honey.
-Love you.
NARRA TOR: As Mrs.
Hilton heads off towards civilization, Dr.
Diana starts group therapy.
First up, an exercise in making love, loud and clear.
Healthy couples actually have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions.
So, we are going to practice that, and we're gonna use a bullhorn so that the other person actually hears the compliments.
So, you guys start.
You can give each other compliments.
-I love your sexy hairdo.
-You're a beautiful woman.
-I love your hot face.
-You ha ve the warmest heart.
You're like my sister.
Thanks.
And you're a sexy bitch.
DR.
DlANA: That was perfect.
Okay, so now this is what I want you to do with the couples.
And I'm leaving it all in your hands.
-We'll see what happens.
-Okay.
You guys are first.
I love your humor.
You always make me laugh.
I love your green, beautiful eyes.
I love the smell of your armpits on Sunday morning.
Nice.
I love your loyalty to your friends.
I love it when you fart.
It smells like a bed of roses.
Can you say fart again? -I love it when you fart.
-It's the accent.
So, I just love you, period.
You love her period? (ALL LAUGHlNG) So I like your (BLEEP).
(ALL LAUGHlNG) I love (BLEEP) (ALL LAUGHlNG) Oh, you have such beautiful boobs.
Thank you.
And they thank you.
I love when we shave it.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) And I love it doggie style.
That's my favorite.
(LAUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: With the campers all warmed up, Dr.
Diana decides it's time to get physical.
What's really key in your sexual relationship is having fun, and sex toys really play a big role in that.
-MAN: All right! -Yeah.
(TRlUMPHANT MUSlC PLAYlNG) MAN: Wow! LlNDA: Okay, that's the biggest (BLEEP) I've ever seen.
(HORSE NElGHlNG) (HALLELUJAH CHORUS PLAYlNG) MAN: That's fun.
KlM: Jeez.
JOE: What the hell? LlNDA: That was wet.
-You get to pick one of these toys to have.
-I want that one.
-I want the big one.
I want the big one.
-DR.
DlANA: Oh, my God.
Excuse me, I gotta get one.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) I'm set.
In sexuality, foreplay is very often ignored.
And there are many, many pleasurable zones on the body that are wonderful to explore in foreplay.
Matthew is gonna come and help us.
I want you to demonstrate by writing on his body, okay? Matthew.
Is he here? DR.
DlANA: We have Matthew.
Oh, dear God.
Please de-throbe.
"De-throbe"? (ALL EXCLAlMlNG) Please de-throbe.
(ALL CHEERlNG) NARRA TOR: Couples camp has just begun, but already the clothes are coming off and things are heating up.
Okay, so now, you girls are in charge of this exercise.
-Oh, dear God.
-NlCOLE: All right.
Paris, you'll be drawing the female erogenous areas.
-On Matthew? -On Matthew, yes.
And you will be doing the same for the male erogenous zone.
And I'll be back to check on you.
You can start.
Girls like it when you kiss them on the neck.
On the mouth.
(LAUGHlNG) And then you go so slowly down to the (EXCLAlMlNG) That's probably the girl's favorite place.
-Oh.
-Taking notes? The male erogenous zones are very intense.
Of course there's this area.
Judging by your top half, we know what the bottom half looks like.
And guys just absolutely love it right around Whoa.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) It's called the (BLEEP).
You've got to (BLEEP).
MATTHEW: I don't know if that's an erogenous zone for every guy.
Oh, it is, believe me.
NlCOLE: Roll around, yeah.
Do you have a (BLEEP)? -No.
-Yes, you do.
That's Whoa! (ALL LAUGHlNG) Did you guys learn anything? -Yes! -ALL: Yeah! (EXCLAlMlNG) I think we went a little bit overboard, you guys.
You told us to describe in detail.
PARlS: Good night, bitches.
Good morning, Camp Shawnee.
It's time to get up.
It's a beautiful day.
Come on, let's get started.
Good morning, guys.
I was gonna cuddle with you, you were so cute, but I thought your wife might get mad.
(LAUGHlNG) NlCK: Get up, Joe.
-Why not? -Morning wood.
Do you have morning wood? Every morning.
PARlS: That's hot.
Boys, get ready for a day of love Oh, that'd be great.
with your wives.
It's open.
NARRA TOR: All the couples counseling has Hunter feeling down about his missed chance with Paris.
So Nicole decides to show him how to get Miss Hilton 's attention.
So, obviously, we talked about the whole Paris thing.
-I wanna help you.
-Okay.
You know, I think that you're a nice guy, -and I think that we can do this.
-Okay.
I've got the stuff for you.
-They do this in Hollywood? -Yeah.
She likes a bad boy.
All right, stand up.
-Trust me.
-I'm trusting you.
-Where are we putting this? -What is your problem? -Don't pull on that.
-I won't.
-You know, I don't need this.
-What? Why? I just I don't.
If Paris, like, seriously, like, doesn't like me for me, and I have to, like, do (BLEEP) like this, honestly, like, it's just ridiculous.
Whatever.
-Sorry.
I tried to help.
-It's cool.
Unbelievable.
(l SHOULD BE LOST WlTHOUT YOU PLAYlNG) NARRA TOR: Pleased with the campers'progress, Dr.
Diana decides they are ready for a brand-new beginning.
T onight we have a very special night for you.
Really? Tonight you're gonna go on a date, and your instructions are to meet again as if you're falling in love for the very first time.
NARRA TOR: The female campers get ready on their own.
But Paris and Nicole have something special in mind to help the men get cleaned up.
We are gonna help you guys get ready.
DANNY: Sounds good.
NlCOLE: And we have outfits for you.
You do? -This is your outfit.
-No.
Have you ever been waxed? I'd rather not.
Okay, Nicole? Do me a favor, please? Only if you promise to (BLEEP) me tonight.
PARlS: Jeez, what a big bulge.
NlCOLE: Sexy.
I know.
I'm trying to lose 10 pounds.
NlCOLE: Now, you've waxed before, haven't you? Is it sexy wax? -Yeah.
-Just for sexy bitches.
One salon -Oh, my God.
-One, two, three Ahh! SCOTT: Ouch.
You suck at this.
-Let me just -Tuck me in.
Thanks, baby.
Tuck it in.
Oh, no.
PARlS: This is the money shot.
I feel like Nicole is changing a baby's diaper.
A big baby.
Ahh! -How much hair? -Do it.
(SCREAMlNG) I wanna do under here.
I have a little poo crumb that came off.
I'm really good.
Dude, this wax is still on my ass.
It ain't going anywhere either, bro.
So, I tried to put all these, like, clothes on him, and Hunter was just like, "It's not worth it.
Never mind, I'm over it.
" What do you mean? He was just, like, "lf she needs me to change this much, "then she's just not the person for me.
" Well, at least he's, like, standing up for himself.
-And it's a good thing.
-He got the point.
Yeah.
He's cute.
DR.
DlANA: This is it.
This is the beginning of the date.
Gentlemen, do have something to present to your significant others? (WOMEN EXCLAlMlNG) -All right, shall we bounce to the bus? -Let's go.
-This is beautiful.
-It's good.
-Thank you.
-Let me know if you need anything.
WOMAN: We will.
MAN: Awesome.
We have a nice moonlit dinner.
-ALLlSON: Like some bruschetta? -Bruschetta? -Absolutely, I would love some bruschetta.
-Okay, good, I hear great things about it.
-Sit, sit, sit.
-Thank you.
This is really nice.
Look at this! -lt smells delicious.
-So, what's your name? -My name is Allison.
-Allison, I'm Hunter.
-Hunter.
Nice to meet you.
-It's nice to meet you.
So, I see that you work at Camp Shawnee.
Shawnee.
Yes.
I love you so much.
You're the stars, you're the moon.
Are you listening? This is the most romantic thing we've done in a long time.
-Besides fishing? -Fishing is not romantic.
Of course it is.
Thank you.
-Where's your wine glass? -lt fell out of my hand.
-Fell out of your hand? -lt fell out of my hand.
-I placed it on the table -Wait, what did you just get? -Oh, my God, that looks so good.
-It's really good.
It's roast beef and salmon and, like, couscous, which I've never What the hell's couscous? -You've never had couscous before? -No, I haven't had couscous.
-It's super good.
-ls that girl hitting on Hunter? NARRA TOR: Dr.
Diana 's hard work is paying off.
The campers are feeling the love, but when Hunter finds someone new to practice his moves on, Miss Hilton is not happy.
So how is the cabernet treating you? The cabernet is treating me awfully well.
That's kind of oxymoronic, doesn't make any sense.
PARlS: Where's Hunter? I actually think that Hunter is a nice guy.
I feel like he's just been tortured by me.
He would be good for you.
You should give him, like, a second chance.
-You sure? -Yeah.
You are freezing.
I'll give you my jacket.
Can I put my arms in it and everything? It's from Wonderful French blue -Oh, Lord, it's so warm.
-lt'll definitely bring out It'll so bring out your eyes, so you know But my eyes are green.
Doesn't blue bring out green? Where's Hunter? MATTHEW: Well, he was there a minute ago.
-Yeah, they're definitely green, your eyes.
-Yeah, let me see yours.
It's right there.
(MS.
HlLTONPLAYlNG) Ms.
Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks Ms.
Hilton NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
People say a lot of mean things about me for one incident in my life.
That was one night with someone I was really in love with.
Your muscles are like getting in the way.
NlCOLE: Perfect.
I think she's mad at me.
(CHAlNSAW WHlRRlNG) What in the hell