The Upshaws (2021) s05e05 Episode Script

1
[funky instrumental music playing]
Frank, we've been out
every night since you came back.
Don't get me used to this.
So where we going tomorrow?
[chuckling]
Anywhere you want.
I'm just making up for lost time.
Besides, you deserve to be spoiled.
Facts.
I'm just glad you came back.
Crème brûlée, compliments of the chef.
Oh, we we we gotta split that?
It's not much of a compliment.
It's all yours.
[choking]
Oh my God. Are you okay?
If this somebody's tooth,
I'mma own this place.
A ring?
- Frank?
- Oh my God! I'm so sorry.
Wrong table.
Your dessert's gonna be
another 20 minutes.
[gasps] Feel like it's still in my throat.
Good thing you didn't swallow.
The size of that thing?
Don't think I could have.
Mm. She's a lucky lady.
Hmm. You know, I noticed something.
The fact that,
while I was choking, you didn't move?
I clocked that too.
No.
Between when you were choking
and we lost our free dessert,
you seemed excited.
I love crème brûlée.
Lucretia,
if that ring had been for you,
what would you have said?
What would you have wanted me to say?
[instrumental interlude]
We're engaged!
Is that a straw wrapper?
Are you moving out?
Let me help you pack.
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid, solid, solid, solid ♪
[chanting mock cleansing mantra]
[chanting mock cleansing mantra]
What?
Baby, what the hell?
You know you can't smoke
in front of the kids.
I smoke that shit in the basement.
That's sage.
I'm trying to get every little last bit
of Lucretia's juju out of here.
I'm gonna miss Auntie's juju.
Oh, you are?
I don't care.
Help me with my hair in the back, please.
If Aunt Lucretia's getting married,
shouldn't we all go celebrate?
Not if we're paying.
Refrigerator's full of eggs and bologna.
Turn it into something.
Really, Pop? In front of the kids?
That's sage, man. And you late.
I had to pick up some overtime.
Why is he even here? I'm 16.
Oh, okay, 16-year-old,
where's your sister right now?
She's right next
- Dang.
- She's in the kitchen getting a snack.
Yeah, good choice. He's detail-oriented.
Why are you still in uniform?
I thought you quit UPS?
You like wearing them little booty shorts,
don't you?
'Cause they look good.
Besides, I can't quit.
I need the cash flow
until the gym's grand opening.
Weren't we at the grand opening
last Friday?
That was a soft opening for family.
It feels open to me.
I worked out there twice this week.
And didn't you notice
that no one else was there?
Yeah. I didn't wanna be the one
to tell you your business was going under.
Bernard, you have had three soft openings.
Come on, you only get one grand opening,
and it has to be grand.
You better open that gym, Bernard.
I do not have the money
to keep buying fruit platters.
Oh, but that reminds me,
throw some honeydew
on that bologna and eggs.
It's a little fizzy,
but y'all will pull through.
[instrumental music playing]
[romantic piano music playing softly]
When we said
we'd treat you to your favorite spot,
I assumed it was still the Silver Corral.
That was before Frank brought me here.
When you know better, you do better.
Let me go check on our table.
Jones, party of four.
We'd like the round table,
by the fireplace.
Sorry, that's been reserved.
I love when he does this.
Oh damn!
Hey, Larry Bird can eat at the bar.
Hey, man, you paid extra for that table?
My lady likes to be warm.
[chuckling] That's 'cause
lizards like the heat.
[mouthing]
Man.
I hope Frank got this.
If not, we gonna be
sitting at the bar with Larry.
Wipe away your flop sweat.
Nobody expects anything from you.
We got this.
Got what?
Her broke-ass got less than us.
No, no, she got Frank,
Frank got money,
so we got food.
Play the part. Come on, baby.
[instrumental music playing]
Are you ready to order entrées?
Mm. I'm good with my salad.
Why are you sitting over there
eating like a refugee?
Well, honestly, I'm a little uncomfortable
sitting here and eating Frank's wallet.
They got some more stuff on the menu.
They got the crab legs and
No, it it's okay.
I just want everybody to have a good time.
Do you need more time?
It feels like you need more time.
Frank, it's just a lot of money
to spend on one meal.
Regina, stop embarrassing me.
You're just not used to a man
who can do stuff for you.
You are not hurting my feelings.
You still got this, don't you?
Bring her the filet,
horseradish, lobster tail on the side.
Oh, and I wanna try
one of those caviar omelets.
Okay, now you just being extra,
'cause you know damn well
they can't make no omelet
with them tiny-ass eggs.
They put them in the omelet, you yokel.
Oh, okay, so we fancy now?
Even though I've seen you
drink gin from a measuring cup.
You know I thought
that was a Christmas glass.
'Cause you was already drunk!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
la lad ladies, ladies.
Now, we don't wanna ruin Frank's dinner.
You still got this, right?
[mouths] Yeah.
You know what?
I'd like to make a toast.
To the most beautiful woman
in the restaurant.
Man, I seen her too.
She was standing over there.
I thought I was allowed to say it?
I'm not allowed
to say anything? All right.
[Bennie muttering]
He meant me, jackass.
Oh!
Thank you.
Tall, dark, and mine.
Okay, Black love, I see you.
All right, so I I gotta ask.
I mean, y'all been
back and forth for a minute.
[Bennie] Mm-hmm.
What made you take the leap this time?
We keep coming back to each other.
Can't deny what's there.
And we're gonna stop fighting it.
I love this woman.
What he said.
Ooh, look, Frank.
They got a bottle of the Grand Dom.
Make your toast
so we can get rid of this swill.
Sometimes, we take the best things
in our life for granted.
Mm. Don't we though?
It's only after we lose it we realize
how much value they added to our life.
A lot of value.
So if life gives you the chance
to take it back,
you grab on, and you don't let go.
Both hands, baby.
To you, Lucretia.
No, man. To you, Frank.
You still got this, right?
[instrumental music playing]
[sighs] I can't believe tonight.
I can't either.
Can you get the gout from one meal?
I'm talking about Lucretia.
Oh, yeah. She was actually human tonight.
I'm happy for them.
What?
You don't pay attention to nothing.
I hate to think of my sister
as a gold digger,
but that gold digger is obviously
marrying Frank for his money.
[Bennie] Wouldn't you?
The man's got a new boat.
I never had an old boat. Good night.
Good night, baby.
Leave me alone
Hey! Hey, what's your problem?
I can't fight with you.
I'm full of crab meat and swill.
How you expect me to do it?
I don't wanna fight, Bennie.
I don't wanna fight.
So just agree with me.
Come on. Don't do this, Regina.
Now, Frank is happy and Lucretia's happy.
Well, of course she's happy.
He's the answer to her prayers.
And mine too. Won't he do it?
[scoffs] Bennie, think about it.
The whole time Lucretia had money,
she would not commit to Frank.
But now that she's broke
and sleeping in Maya's room,
now she hot-footing it down to the altar.
God, she's so desperate.
She don't even see it.
I'mma tell her.
No! Hey, hey! No.
Oh, no. No, don't do that, baby.
Come on, help me up,
'cause I got to say this vertical.
Thank you, baby. I appreciate it.
Don't you fuck this up for me!
For you?
Yes.
For me, for him, for her.
Look, everybody is happy but you.
- But
- Don't say anything!
But, Bennie, what happens
when she realizes down the road
that she married him
for the wrong reasons?
She gonna eat his head off
like a grasshopper and take half his shit.
[chuckles]
Let nature take its course.
[instrumental music playing]
Okay, Sydney's robotics class
is now on Wednesdays,
and she's got
Ashley's birthday party on Friday.
- Wait. I thought we hated Ashley.
- No.
- Ashley got a puppy, so now she a'ight.
- [Bernard chuckles]
Whatever you need, I got you.
I know you studying
for that detective exam.
Get that promotion, girl.
Thanks, Bernard.
You know this dude?
He comes every day trying to work out.
I keep telling him
we haven't had our grand opening yet.
What's the thing I was at?
It was a soft opening for family.
[knocking]
Sorry, bro. I told you
we haven't had our grand opening yet.
I don't need you to be grand,
I wanna pick those things up.
- The weights are right there.
- Sorry, bro. Yeah. Yeah.
[sighs]
I am sick of people trying to get in here.
Aaliyah, what are you doing here?
Working on my glutes.
I like your gym.
Ain't gotta fight nobody for a machine.
[instrumental music playing]
Maya! Come on, baby.
Thanks for dropping her off at school.
Oh, I'm not dropping her off.
Frank bought me
head-to-toe Alexander McQueen.
I'm walking her all the way in.
I might even twirl.
I'm stunting on these fools.
Wow.
My shirt was inside out
when I took her yesterday.
Nobody said a word.
People don't expect much from you.
Well, thanks again.
[Lucretia] Not at all.
The school's right by the venue
we're checking out for the reception.
You just got engaged.
Isn't it a little early
to be checking out venues?
Not if the wedding's next week.
Sure, but that would be insane.
We're getting married next week.
What?
Why are you in such a hurry?
I'm pregnant, Regina.
Okay, first, take that look off your face.
It could happen.
And second, we waited long enough.
All right, I totally get that. But
[sighs] I don't know how to say this.
No, no, no. Don't say anything.
No talking.
- The little one's ready.
- I don't have shoes on.
Take these.
Those are Aaliyah's.
You'll grow into 'em.
Bennie, I have a minute.
No, you don't.
Every minute that you here
is a minute that you not married.
Come on, baby. You left a pair in my car.
Don't make no sense
rushing this baby out of here shoeless.
Something is really wrong with you.
Yeah, and it's walking out the door.
What are you doing?
Bennie, they're getting married in a week.
Good. Now stop
trying to fix stuff that ain't broke.
Wanna fix something? Fix breakfast.
[knocking on door]
- [Regina] Hey, Tash.
- Hey, Regina.
Baby, you just don't get it.
She could be throwing her life away.
She don't have a life. She lives here.
Do you see this shit?
Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
Regina and I just got good.
I'm just here for the boy. Kelvin!
She's all mad 'cause she think
Lucretia's marrying a man for money.
Lucretia getting married for money?
Okay, good for her.
Thank you. Tell Regina.
Yeah, no, I'm not that invested. Kelvin!
Besides, who cares what she's doing it for
as long as everybody's happy,
like you and Noah.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I hit the jackpot with Noah, okay?
I mean, he's nice to Kelvin,
he's crazy about me,
and, ooh, ever since he started biking
[groaning lustfully]
But rich don't hurt though.
I mean, well, duh!
No way in hell I am marrying a broke man.
Do I look like Regina Upshaw? [laughs]
Anyway, they say the more money they got,
the easier it is to fall in love.
Really, Tasha?
Oh!
Hey! Uh
Hey, baby!
Why are you not waiting in the car?
I thought you was watching your
Oh, the buns of steel.
No, we were talking about
the Noah in the Bible.
Shit. You gonna have to keep Kelvin
for a second, okay?
I hate coming to this damn house.
You wait! Noah, hold up!
[instrumental music playing]
[door opens]
Come on, Dad. Again?
Thank God. Am I doing this right?
No, because we're not open.
You're not?
What was that thing that I went to?
Soft opening for family.
Sweetie, go do your homework.
But I dressed up and everything.
There were all those fruit platters.
I said go, Sydney.
Looking good, Pappy.
Ten pounds?
Your daddy said go.
When I invested in this place,
I assumed it'd be open.
Ooh! That was a good burn.
You don't know what it's like
to open a gym. There's a million details.
Well, here, I got a detail.
Where's my money?
I will open when I'm ready.
When's that gonna be?
You done had 22 soft openings.
It ain't soft no more.
I don't know what I'm doing, okay?
I've never opened a gym.
I never opened up a garage, but I did it.
I don't know, I
What are you talking about? Look around.
Bernard's Gym.
Everybody that I bring to the gym love it.
I signed six people.
- Who?
- Don't worry. They gonna pay me directly.
All I'm hearing is that you're scared.
And as a father, I understand.
But as an investor, I don't care.
Open the gym.
But what if I fail?
Then, son
I'm gon' take your ass to court.
The People's Court.
[humming The People's Court theme]
[instrumental music playing]
How's it going in there?
Hang on.
I'm still buttoning.
I missed one, had to go back.
Get your ass out here
so I can "ooh" and "aah."
Aaah!
You look beautiful.
Oh, girl, stop.
No, you stop.
You look good. Don't she look good?
You know you look good.
- I ain't mad at me.
- [Regina chuckles]
You shouldn't be.
I had to get married in that prom dress
I never got to use at prom.
Uh, my moment?
You right. You right. [chuckles]
I like the trim, but I don't know.
Is it worth it?
I mean, it's a pantsuit, right?
I mean, how much Holy shit! What?
They let us
hold liquids around that thing?
You know what?
Frank told me to get whatever I want,
so I ain't even gonna worry about it.
Yup.
Good old Frank.
You know, all these years,
you two been back and forth,
in and out, up and down,
but now y'all are really doing it?
Speaking of doing it,
remind me to tell Frank
he's taking me to Tahiti for my honeymoon.
Your honeymoon?
You know you're about to become a "we"
and no longer a "me," right?
Cre, I don't think
you're really picturing this.
Visualize.
You are walking down the aisle.
You're glowing.
Maya's throwing lilies.
Funeral flowers?
Fine, rice. Shit, whatever.
Frank is there.
He's waiting at the altar
with a big old smile on his face.
And you look into his eyes,
and what does your heart tell you?
- This ain't right.
- Thank God!
Oh! I knew it.
See, it's not right because it's obvious
you're marrying this man for his money.
Ooh!
I meant all these buttons.
Feels a little Steve Harvey.
And then there's that too.
[instrumental music playing]
Before I unwrap yet another fruit platter,
is this opening grand or just so-so?
It is real this time.
It better be, 'cause I can't
keep giving up my Saturdays.
Kelvin ain't here?
No, baby.
He didn't think it was real either.
Congratulations!
[both chuckling]
Proud of you, big bro.
Can't believe you finally open.
It would've been sooner
if you didn't run through my wall.
Y'all be holding on to stuff.
Hey, everybody,
and welcome to our grand opening-ing-ing.
Our?
Yeah, pay me back and it's all yours.
Man, y'all put
a lot of work into this place.
We sure did.
"We"?
Congratulations. I just signed up.
- I paid Bennie directly.
- [splutters]
I know this gym is all about
getting your sweat on, boxing and whatnot,
but if you're ever looking,
I'm a certified Pilates instructor.
What?!
I'll put that in my back pocket.
I see your looks,
but it's all about the core.
What? The Earth's core?
Hey, man, I don't need this shit.
- I was talking to Bernard!
- Whoa!
So what you think?
Pilates keeps you centered.
I'd be a fool not to try you out.
Cool. Cool, man.
[chuckling happily]
We need to be nicer to his big crazy ass.
Should we do a wellness check on his mama?
I'm good. She's on her own.
Congratulations, Bernard.
The place looks great.
Oh, thank you.
I'm sad to be leaving you though.
And this is how you tell me?
I supported your dream.
You gonna walk away?
No, I meant I left UPS.
We not gonna be working together anymore.
Oh!
Okay, in my defense, we broke up a lot.
[chuckling]
Hey. Congratulations, nephew.
It's about time.
This gym took longer
to come out than you did.
You not wrong.
Truth be told, Auntie,
I'm still kind of nervous.
Excited.
Nervously excited.
Bernard, I wish you nothing but success.
Yeah, me too.
Which is hard.
I mean, your dad's an investor.
Oh, I'm never paying him back.
I knew I raised you right.
Mazel.
Hey, baby. Um, I just want you to know
that I thought about
the Lucretia situation.
I prayed on it,
and, um, I'mma do what you said
and stay out of it.
What'd you do?
Nothing.
Oh shit. You talked to her.
You knew I was gonna.
Man. Now I gotta fix it.
Why do I have to always
get you outta something?
- What life are you living?
- [muttering]
Hey, hey, hey, everyone.
I'd like to make a toast.
Pop, you don't have to do that.
The hell I don't.
Now, it took us
a long-ass time to get here,
and many people thought
it would never come.
But Frank and Lucretia's love
saw them through.
I wanna send a toast
to Frank and Lucretia,
but mostly Frank.
And Bernard?
- Oh, hell no, man.
- Yeah.
- [Sydney] Dad!
- [Bernard] Sydney.
Oh, damn. Did we miss the toast?
Don't worry. It wasn't about me.
Do another one. Mom's a detective.
Also not about me, but congratulations.
- You passed!
- Thank you.
And we're moving to San Diego.
San Diego?
Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell you.
Oh, hey, Hector. I'm moving to San Diego.
Oh, look, Frank. Cantaloupe.
I just love cantaloupe.
I just hope
I love it for the right reason.
Mm. Cantaloupe's a dime a dozen.
Go for the star fruit.
It's a much richer fruit.
Okay, all right.
I see what you two are doing.
Oh, don't just see it.
Visualize it.
I'm walking down the aisle.
Frank's waiting for me,
big smile on his face.
And look,
I have no maid of honor.
All right, I know what I said sounded bad,
but what I was trying to say was bad too.
[Bennie] Stop talking to them.
I was trying to fix it.
No, no, no, no, don't do anything.
Nothing good comes
from getting into people's business.
Bennie Upshaw!
You and your melon-ass
done broke up me and Noah.
See?
[instrumental music playing]
[theme music playing]
[music fades out]