The Wonder Years s05e05 Episode Script

Adolescence is kind of a screwy time.
A time of hope and confusion.
It's a race to find out who you really are.
But if there's one thing teenager knows, it's this.
Stated simplyif you want to be a star You gotta have a car.
Cars - the ultimate dream of every red-blooded American kid.
Cars meant freedom, status, maturity.
If you were old enough to drive, the world was your oyster.
But, if you weren't Your world was more of a sardine - to really stretch an analogy.
Excuse me! Can you move yourinstrument? Without wheels, life was one indignity after another.
- This bus smells like lunch.
- Tell me about it.
Oh, I think I'll stick around here for awhile.
A series of humiliations.
Will you move?! Can't take you anywhere.
And faced with these constant embarrassmentsyou look for any small way to elevate your status.
So what are you guys doin' this weekend? - What about you? - I got a date Friday night.
Alright, Kevin! The trick was to keep your friends jealous.
So, uh, how, uhyou gettin' there? - My mom's drivin' us.
- Whoa! Walk on the wild side.
Yeah! Tell your mom not to look in the rear-view mirror.
Fact was, we all knew the bottom-line.
To be truly free and functioning high-school men, what we neededwas a car.
OK, you're coming up to a four-way stop.
What we hadWas Ricky Holsenbach - the first kid in our class to turn sixteen.
Four-way stopI'm there.
All carsarrive at the same time.
Same timeI'm there.
Nowwhich carhas the right-of-way? Hhhhh - I don't know! The car on your right! By quirk of fateAnd the fact that he'd repeated third-grade twice Our ticket to ridewas riding on his ill-equipped shoulders.
We knew you could do it, Ricky.
I can't do it! I just got too much stuff going on in my head.
Interesting theory Look.
Ricky, if you get your license, you won't ever have to beg for a ride again.
We'll be the coolest guys in tenth-grade! Yeah, the chicks will be climbing all over us! Ask me another one! OK.
You're going forty miles an hour.
How many car-lengths should you allow between you, and the car in front of you? Whoa, hnnnthat'sa good question.
It was almost too much to bear.
Here we werePoised to leap into the stratosphere of manhood Sorry.
And we couldn't even get out of the parking lot.
Huh - s-sorry.
Is this as bad as it looks? Well, I think he's killed every one of those orange cones.
Well, he's still got a chance.
I got him at about an eighty-one.
Sorry! Alright, Mr.
Holsenbach.
Uhyou can call me Ricky.
Just give me a three-point turn, and we're done.
This much seemed clear.
When it came to hitching our wagon to a star We'd picked the wrong wagon.
Uh, uh, sorry Man! This is an embarrassment! Unbelievable! We stood there, knowing it was a lost cause But clinging desperately to some hope for a miracle.
There you are, Mr.
Holsenbach.
And thenThe miracle occurred.
Yes! Yes! Call it chanceCall it error.
The State had entrusted Ricky Holsenbach With a two-ton lethal weapon on an open highway.
And wewere on our way.
- Did you see my three-point turn? - Yeah, they're still talking about it! Sure, maybe we were still sardines But at least we knew we were about to bust out of our can.
- Looks likewe're cruisin' for chicks.
- We can go anywhere we want! - Yeah! And everybody is gonna see us! - Especially the chicks.
And there you had it.
Rising up before us Was the dawn of a new era.
An era of freedom.
An era of adventure.
An era of fun.
And my mom said I can have the car Friday night! An era of bad timing.
Friday night? This Friday night? - What's wrong? - I told ya - I got a date! Look, you can have a date any Friday night.
What am I supposed to do about Cindy? - Easy.
Dump her.
- I can't do that! Kevin! This is everything we ever dreamed of! We're talkin' us - the guysIn a car! Don't you get it? This is cool! And of courseFaced with logic of that caliber, there was only one thing to do.
Your grandmother? Lie.
Uh, yeah.
I'm such an idiotI completely forgot she was coming to visit.
Oh! Well You know, she hasn't been well.
S-she's got this bad, uhliver! Oh AndandSo her, you know So her, liver has been acting up.
Maybe I was because I was nervous because I was dissecting a frog But the word "liver" seemed to pop up frequently.
AnywayMy mother wants us all home Friday night, to be with my grandmother, and herliver.
- Maybe I could take a rain-check? - Sure! That'd be great! Great! There.
Artfully done.
Now there was nothin' standing between me, the guys And the open road.
Where're you goin'? Nothin' excepta little game of twenty questions.
We haven't decided yet.
Well, who's driving, honey? No one.
WellRicky Holsenbach.
Ohh yeahhh.
I know him.
Right! You know Ricky! He's that dopey-lookin' kid.
He's an idiot.
Jack W-come on, Dad - he's a very good driver.
I don't know about this.
He did really well on his driver's test.
You should see this guy parallel-park.
Jack, we have to go.
Justdon't forget - your curfew's at eleven, honey.
I won't.
Have a nice night! And so, the last obstacle had been cleared.
It was time to hit the road in our very own set of wheels.
Let's do it! Sure, maybe the wheels belonged to Ricky's mother But the nightbelonged to us.
The possibilities seemed endless.
What's that smell? As soon as Ricky released the parking brake.
- So, uh, where we goin'? - What do you mean, "where are we goin'"? - Well, what? Does it matter? - Well, we oughtta go somewhere - Why? - Hey! How about a movie? - Come on - that is definitely uncool.
- It is? Nobody's gonna see us at a movie.
Look, Ricky, the whole point of driving around is Driving around.
I knowHey! But have you guys seen "Willard"? I don't know how they get those rats to do those things! It was our first crisis.
We were momentarily floundering Like baby eagles freshly sprung from the nest.
What we needed here was a sign Inspirationdirection.
Whoa! Nice wheels! Hey! Hey! What we got was Moon patrol! Pressed hams.
"Little GTO" - Ronny & The Daytona's That night, as we drove around We began to understand the awesome responsibility of having a car.
Chinese fire-drill! We were exploring the uncharted regions of our new frontier And laying on the horn, alot.
Still We knew we preparing ourselves for something much, much, more meaningful.
Come on, guys.
Let's go pick up some chicks! - Yeah, chicks! - Women! Chicks! The reason God had invented cars.
- So, where are they? - Man, they're everywhere.
Yeah! Just waiting to jump on usgrab ussmother us It was an awesome thought.
So, where are they? Hmmm.
Good question.
Fortunately, there was an answer - Zesty's - the place to go for burgers, fries, and Whoa! Check out the hooters! ManCan't take you anywhere Still, the fact remained, if it was girls we were looking for - OK, we found 'em! - Well, now what do we do? Hmmm.
Good question.
Four chocolate shakes, two onion rings, two fries, and extra ketchup.
And, there was nothin' left to doBut stand around, look good, and get noticed.
Kevin? Hi! - Cindy? - What are you doing here? Uh Somehow, I had a feeling "checking out the hooters" wasn't gonna fly.
Getting shakes.
See! Here they are! Is your grandmother here? - My grandmother? - Yeah.
Liver! - Oh! No! She's back at home because of Liver! - Her liver.
Yeah, I'm - I'm justHere withMy cousins.
And, we have to get back with the shakes.
Look They're melting, see? Well, if you're with relatives, uhI guess I'll see you on Monday? UhYeah! Monday! After all, no reason to dally.
Seeya later.
The best thing to do was amskray before she discovered who my cousins - Hey, hey, hey! Ba-by! Really were.
- Hey, Kevin? Who's the fox? Owwwwww! - Introduce us, man! Yeah.
Come right over here We got room! She didn't actually say anything.
Her face did all the talking.
It said my rain-check had been revoked.
Permanently.
- Have you seen "Willard"? - Let's get out of here! - What's the matter with you? Nothing.
Just, let's get out of here! - Open the door, will ya? - Hey, where's my corndog? Yeah, and you only got two orders of onion rings.
- Will you just open the stupid door?! - Kev! - Here! - You're getting shakes all over me, man! Good! Now come on, Ricky, drive.
Sheesh - what a grouch! The night was still young, but somehow the adventure wasn't panning out quite the way we'd imagined.
And the car was starting to smell.
Just ten more minutes, and I could have had any girl there.
Just when did you lose touch with reality? Did you see the way they were looking at me, huh? - They couldn't believe your shirt! - You guys just can it for awhile! - What's eating you? - Nothing! I just can't believe I broke a date for this, that's all.
Surely these guys could understand that.
After allThey were reasonably intelligent human beings.
You guys ever wonder how onion rings got their name? On the other hand - No! I mean I think about that stuff sometimes.
And what about hamburgers.
I mean, hamburgers don't have ham in them, ya know! What about submarine sandwiches - - And eggplant!? - Just think about your driving.
Let's face it.
On the main-street of life, we'd just about reached a dead-end.
And then Hey, look! There's those guys! Uh-oh! I hope they don't moon us again.
Hey! We don't want to see it! But it seemed there was more at stake here Than just pressed hams.
Hey-hey, what does he want? He wants to drag.
Drag? - Do it, Ricky.
/ - But my mom said - Come on, Ricky! Let's just do it! You're on! And that's when it happened.
As we sat there, the roar of a hundred-and-eighty-five horsepower engine pulsing beneath our bodies Our basic primal nature began to erupt.
- Let's take 'em, Ricky.
- I'm there.
We weren't boys anymore.
We were outlaws.
Rebels.
Guys with guts.
And we knew what we had to do.
- What are you doing?! - There's a stop sign! Will you go? We can still take 'em! Hnhhh, but it's a commercial zone - thirty-five miles per hour.
Those guys were speeding! Of course they were speeding! This is a drag-race! Fortunately our driver was a law-abiding citizen.
Four carsfour-way stop - Will you guys just get real? This race is over! - Yeah, thanks to Holsenbach.
I don't even know why the hell we're hanging around with you! HeyCuz it's my car.
Yeah! That's the only reason we'd be hangin' out with a bozo like you.
- Hey! You're the bozo.
- I'm the bozo? You're the bozo No, I'm not! You're all bozos! You're the biggest bozo of You can't even drive! We were reaching critical-mass, here.
Our night was wearing thin.
So was our vocabulary.
Wussies! It was the final straw.
If we were going to hold on to our dignity, we had to strike back.
Let'smoonsomebody.
Yeah.
Good idea! - Perfect.
- Alright! It was time for us to take our rightful place among men of the road.
We were gonna take on the first victim that came our way.
Alright! Do it! Do it! Just one little problem.
Moon patrol! - Did ya see that guy's face?! - Well, my eyes were looking in a different direction! - Man, it looked like he was having a cow! - And his wife was like "uhhuhhh".
- Will you guys just shut up?! - What's your problem? For starters, that was my mom and dad.
- It was? - Yeah.
You guys just mooned my parents.
- You're kidding - Hey, we all wanted to do it.
Yeah, but it was you who had your butt out hangin' out the window! Oh, come on.
Like how was I supposed to know? See - this is great! Just great.
You know it's real great hangin' out with a bunch of morons! Do you know where that word comes from, Ricky! This is the stupidestdumbest night of my life! I mean, I don't even know why I agreed to come with you in the first place.
Can anyone tell me why?! It was the kind of question That could only be answered by a Nobel prize-winning philosopher.
I know Or a guy like Ricky Holsenbach.
It's because they're round - like rings! And they've got onions in them.
That's why the call 'em onion rings! - What? - What? Looking backIt made about as much sense as anything else that night.
- Can we just go home, guys? - Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
Why not.
We were veterans.
We'd paid our dues.
We'd mooned, and been moonedand now - Uh-oh.
- What's the matter? We're out of gas.
- Can you guys believe tonight? - The worst.
/ - Yeah, no kidding.
We didn't really accomplish anything that night.
Nothing of any real importance, anyway.
But through the high school years that lay aheadthere would be a thousand other nights, just like that one.
Stupid, ridiculousand glorious.
Hey! I can get the car again, next Friday - I'm in.
/ - Me, too.
- Wouldn't miss it.
"Little GTO" - Ronnie & The Daytona's °¨»çÇÕ´Ï´Ù.
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