Veep s05e05 Episode Script
Thanksgiving
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) It's time.
(GOBBLING) Thanksgiving has always meant sharing the bounty of our rich land, especially turkey.
But the one thing we will not be sharing this holiday is Drumstick or Cranberry.
Catherine actually personally chose those names, didn't you, honey? - Um, yes, I did.
- Yes, she did.
Help me get a few more details about these turkeys that I can maybe give the press.
Like are they gonna hit the minibar tonight at their hotel? Well, we booked the hotel for a few nights, but I'm taking these guys straight to a petting zoo in Virginia after the ceremony.
Oh, they can while away the rest of their peaceful years there.
Well, they were bred to be eaten, so they'll probably collapse from their own weight and die in a year or two, tops.
Is there a more fun way to say that? With the power vested in me, I hereby declare Drumstick and Cranberry pardoned from the Thanksgiving dinner table and also for tax evasion.
(CROWD LAUGHS) - There we go.
Oh! Oh! - (GOBBLING) I think they're trying to fly away.
Ooh, these birds are filthy.
- Dan.
- Hey, why have I been greened? - Will you tell our friend over here - Take it easy.
It's just a screwup with the security office.
Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls.
I'm gonna assign you to Tom James' office.
They're shorthanded since we're duking it out with Congress.
I'll escort him in.
He's harmless.
Unless you got a sister.
You looking forward to Thanksgiving, Marjorie? - Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Where do you spend the holiday? - In Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.
I know, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so tell Congressman Price I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys, so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up that Missouri delegation when the House votes, right? Well played, ma'am.
Missouri's the largest turkey-producing state in the union.
Second only to Minnesota followed by North Carolina.
Ma'am.
And Arkansas.
Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag (SNAPS FINGERS) and we can wrap up Michigan.
Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid.
Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down? Oh, ma'am, latest from Treasury is housing starts are down and unemployment's up.
Any chance we can switch those? I'll turn the graphs upside down.
Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need you this weekend or tomorrow, - so you can take that off, okay? - Oh, fantastic.
My husband and I are having his whole family over for turkey.
Husband? You're married? Yes.
Last year.
250 people, no one from work.
Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec? - Privately? - Sure, honey.
- What is it? - Okay.
Well, I was just gonna go meet Dad and Monica.
I was just wondering what time you'll be arriving.
Oh, honey, I can't.
But it's the first Thanksgiving since Mee-maw's gone.
There's a lot to be thankful for.
But we're doing a whole dinner at her house.
I mean, it or, well, my house.
God, it still sounds so weird saying that.
Yeah, it really does.
But I have to be here, sweetie pie, 'cause I've got to call all of these Congress people.
Whip the vote.
You understand that.
Mommy's got to whip.
- Whip it good.
What is that? - Devo.
Well, can't you make those phone calls from anywhere? - Nope, it's got to be Washington.
- Right.
It makes a big difference to know that she's calling from the Oval.
But doesn't it just come up as unlisted? They're ready in the Roosevelt Room.
Mom, so this is the famous White House mess.
- Oh, very nice, Joni.
- Yeah, isn't it? So this was renovated in 1951 by hey, I'll be right back.
Okay, just one second.
Ooh, is that the mandarin chicken salad? Looks delicious.
Hey, can I see your badge? My rusty sheriff's badge? Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, but this is the White House mess and to be in here, you got to have one of these blue bad boys.
Why are you doing this, Jonah? You see the picture of Grover Cleveland? Is that a tear in his eye because he knows the rules aren't being respected? Oh, Jesus.
Fuck you.
Excuse me, sir.
We have an intruder here.
No, we don't.
You know, Jonah, I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red, glistening dog dick.
- Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs.
Ryan.
- Oh, you, too.
- Well, I'm ready if you are.
- For what? I invited Richard to come back with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Mom, you don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.
I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.
Richard, would you like to come to Thanksgiving dinner? MAN ON TV: Thanksgiving wouldn't be complete (KNOCKS) Morning.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Are they ready for me? - Yeah.
It's this election has just been brutal on me.
My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack.
- Oh, please.
He wishes.
- Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press that we're closing up shop for the Thanksgiving holiday and we're monitoring a North Korean military exercise right now and that's about it.
God, all that exercising and Glorious Leader still can't seem to take off a pound, right? That haircut's not doing him any favors.
The South Korean PM is asking for a few minutes to discuss.
And the CDC is reporting a few more cases of salmonella poisoning linked to contaminated poultry.
Tell the South Korean PM I'll give her a call later this afternoon.
- Right.
- After, you know.
Wish me luck, though.
- Good luck.
- Yeah.
- Madam President.
- Dr.
Abernathy.
- If you could please have a seat.
Gary.
- Dr.
Abernathy.
- You're here.
- I'm here to assist the president.
Well, I think that Karen and I can handle this.
- Oh! - Oh, I'm so sorry.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
I'm just a little nervous, I have to confess.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
In fact, I usually perform things that are a bit more complicated than a De-bagging.
A De-bagging? Is that what you just said? I thought you said tea-bagging.
No, no, no.
That's my department.
He means that literally.
He doesn't know what the other thing is.
Anyway, listen, can you just talk me through this procedure one more time? It's quite simple.
I actually don't have to make any cuts to the exterior dermis.
It's all approached internally from behind the eyelid.
There's gonna be a little swelling and of course a tiny bit of bruising afterwards.
- Ooh, bruising? - Yes, Gary, bruising.
That's when a little blood collects underneath the skin.
It's not a problem for an actual doctor.
Now, the beauty of this procedure is that we can do it today and you'll be healed by Monday.
And I'll look 10 years younger.
That would make you a baby.
- Okay, it's - Shall we get started? - Okay.
Yeah.
- Gary, if you'll please excuse us.
It's very easy for me just to sit right there.
- I've got it.
- Easy.
Officials are reporting a salmonella outbreak KENT: You seeing this? that has led to 37 hospitalizations in four states.
POTUS is still getting permanently Photoshopped.
Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down.
Let's send Tom James out as well.
He's a tall drink of Xanax.
The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance.
Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics? Or how to cook a fucking turkey.
Oh, sir, you're here now.
Good.
- So Ben told me that apparently - We're being deployed.
Operation Calm the Fuck Down.
- Yes.
- Come on in.
- Just the guy I wanted to see.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Ooh, uh-oh.
I know that number.
The number of the beast Sidney Purcell.
I don't know why he keeps calling me.
His comprehension of the word no hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level.
But anyway, sir, how can I help you? Got a little something for you.
Carol in personnel owed me a favor.
Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face.
I think that's genetic.
You know, Egan, I work a little differently than the president.
As far as treating my staff, I try not to act like an alcoholic father who has just stepped on a Lego.
I value openness and straight talk.
You're part of the James team now.
- Part of my inner circle.
- I'm honored.
So raise your right hand and repeat the oath.
I'm fucking with you.
Come on, let's go.
That's very good, sir.
- Mike! Mike! - Mike, is this a salmonella epidemic? Is the president going to make a statement? She will be making a full statement soon sooner than you think, but only when she's ready.
Right now, though, I'd like to bring up Dr.
Robert Weinberg from the Centers for Disease Control.
Dr.
Weinberg.
- This is not good.
- It's fine.
Everybody's watching football.
There's only a couple cases.
No, Wendy's pissed.
I left her at home with her folks and my folks plus her kids.
Shit, I don't even know who's at my house.
I don't even know if they're in town.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy.
She still has a great rack, though.
- What do you think? - Oh, yeah.
You did great, ma'am.
- Oh, good.
- (KNOCKS) Excuse me, ma'am.
- Hi, guys.
- GARY: Doesn't she look amazing? Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.
Ma'am, the salmonella outbreak has mushroomed.
The cases now number over 200.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding? - Should I make a statement? - BEN: No, that's not a good idea.
No one should see you while your face is marinating.
Okay, she just had 10 years taken off her eyes.
- Yes.
- BEN: Well, I don't think they left yet.
You just stay hidden, okay? Doctor's orders, right? What are you asking him for? He's not a doctor.
I mean, he doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of.
Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management - from Cornell University.
- No, you don't.
Maybe we should ask the vice president to make a statement.
No! He's the old face of this administration.
- This is the new face.
- It's a beautiful face.
Well, you know So may we go ahead and ask Doyle? All right, fine.
Ow! - Whoa.
- Aw.
It really hurts to roll my eyes.
Okay, yes, ask Doyle.
But don't tell him why.
- Wow.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Please don't keep touching me every day.
The first ever Thanksgiving, there was actually no turkey at all.
- Did you know that? - Fascinating.
The pilgrims, they ate deer and harvest vegetables like corn, zucchini.
- They yelled at Grandpa, obviously.
- (CHUCKLES) - Of course.
- Some truths are eternal, but no turkey.
- Thank you, Senator.
- You're welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving and early Hanukkah.
Yes.
We will be right back after this short break.
- MAN: And we're clear.
- I love the Hanukkah bit.
Good.
I'm jonesing for a cup of coffee.
I mean sell my sweet white ass on a street corner jonesing.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, yeah.
Also one cream, splash of half-and-half, one sugar, one Splenda.
If that's not too much trouble.
- Not at all.
I'm - Egan to please.
Ben: Mr.
Vice President.
Ben, I would have you to the table, but my wife, she fucking hates you as do I.
And we had to throw the turkey in the trash.
That's why I'm here.
We need you to make a statement about the salmonella outbreak.
Oh, why doesn't the president make it? Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery.
- She can't make a statement.
- You're fucking kidding me.
Why wasn't I informed? You know there's a system in place for this eventuality? It falls between the 24th and 26th Amendment.
She hasn't been sedated.
She's not incapacitated.
So there was no need to invoke the 25th.
Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me.
She's not not incapacitated.
She's just not fully capacitated.
(LAUGHS) You fucking people.
I mean, you treat the Constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu.
Sir, you're calm, you're confident, you exude a crotchety gravitas.
We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts.
Doyle: So I've spoken to the president.
She's up to date with the situation, which we think is under control.
Yeah, Jeff? How do you feel about the term Turkeypocalypse? I think that's a term invented by the media.
It's idiotic, but it scares people into watching more news, right? - This is amazing.
- Yeah, he's doing okay.
No, I got an email from that surrogate we met with.
She's on board.
We're putting a baby in her.
(LAUGHS) Jesus, Mike.
I'm gonna put a baby in you - if you don't get your head in the game.
- Sorry.
- Where is the president? - James, do me a favor.
Next time you have a root canal, remind me.
I'll come and pester you to be back at your desk in an hour.
Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed.
Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow.
You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel.
All right, who's up first? We've got Congressman Jaeger.
He's from Wisconsin.
Is he the one with the prostitute problem? Mmm Oh, never mind.
They all have that.
House is like Caligula's room.
Okay, well, you got the that's a five.
Yeah, I got it.
- WOMAN: Hello? - Happy Thanksgiving.
This is the president calling.
Is Congressman Jaeger available? - Oh, sure.
Let me get him.
- Thank you.
See? President calling herself.
That's gotta be very impressive.
(LAUGHING) I would die.
Jaeger: Yes, Madam President, hello.
Selina: Congressman Jaeger, how are you? Well, to be honest, the holidays are a little tough on our family.
My wife and I are trying to work some things out.
- (WHISPERS) Prostitutes.
- Mm-hmm.
So I'm sure that you know why I'm calling, Congressman.
Of course.
The salmonella outbreak.
Ma'am, have you considered making a statement? If I have learned one thing about crisis management, it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people.
If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything.
Bordello Bill is giving me advice.
Maybe you should declare a state of emergency.
- Are you able to do that? - Yeah, but unfortunately, I have to run.
I hope I can count on your support in the upcoming vote.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my God.
How many more of these do we have to do? Okay, we've got Congressman Coffey.
Coffey.
Where does he stick his dick? Here's the statement from Health and Human Services.
Hey, do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel? Yeah, in the Philippines.
Another 60 cases being reported including New Hampshire Congressman Harry Sherman.
Jeez, he couldn't eat a turkey unless you put it in a blender and fed it to him through a straw.
Wait, the turkeys have a hotel room, right? Yes.
We better go see the black-eyed pea.
- WENDY: Hello? - Big news, babe.
Our surrogate Debralee is a go.
Praise Jesus! Are you kidding me? We got to celebrate.
Afternoon quickie.
Where? In the basement? Not this time.
Big Mike has a surprise.
I got us a suite at the Willard.
I'll text you the no, I'll sext you the room number.
Any news on Sherman? CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
What is this? Is that lint? - You got one of those - Yeah, lint brush.
Sure, right here.
That is amazing.
Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee? - I'm running on fumes.
- I'm your man.
And one cream.
Splash of half-and-half.
One sugar and one Splenda.
Fuck me.
Selina: Yes, Congressman, the vice president is certainly the the president that never was.
You know what, actually? I'm gonna have to call you back, Congressman.
Thank you so much.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Yes.
What? - Sherman's dead.
- (GASPS) Ow! Oh, my God, that hurts so much.
Please don't surprise me like that again.
We just got word.
Why couldn't he have waited until after the weekend? Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen.
Say what, now? We just lost the oldest member of the House and our president can't make a statement without a paper bag on her head.
You're missing the big picture.
Sherman was an O'Brien diehard.
That's one less vote for O'Brien and possibly one vote for us if they can hold a special election in time.
New Hampshire could give us the presidency.
If I had known that, I would have killed him myself.
Jonah's Uncle Jeff is flying down.
He's still the kingmaker in New Hampshire.
God, he is such, like, a little man, isn't he? He is.
- Fuck! - SELINA: What? O'Brien is offering condolences to the widow.
We got to get somebody to say something about Sherman.
Not Doyle.
Anyone but the veep.
- We got to lance that Doyle.
- No promises, ma'am.
- What? - No promises.
Come on.
- What is that? - It's your Thanksgiving meal.
Why are there two place settings? You know Charlie's not coming, right? I do.
That was just for in case you wanted someone to sit with you.
Not to eat, just to talk.
Or be quiet.
- I'm not hungry.
- Me neither.
- DOYLE: You again? - BEN: Sherman's dead.
We need you to make another statement.
What is dental surgery code for anyway, Ben? I mean, is it like anal bleaching? Because if it is, you should just come out and say that because the American people, they'll accept it in time.
To be honest with you, sir, she's not looking real good.
And I'll be honest with you.
I don't think you're being honest about being honest.
So you know what? I want to see the president.
- That won't be necessary.
- No more messengers, Ben.
If she wants me to do her bullshit, she can tell me out of her own shining white asshole.
Today's media-go-round was a tour De force.
More like a waste De time.
Well, maybe you thought I was too busy sorting through your junk mail folder to realize you mentioned things like zucchini and Atlantic City and Pfizer, all clients, of course, of Sidney "Why is That Guy Calling Me" Purcell.
I used a lot of other words, too.
I'm pretty sure I said "be" and also "careful.
" I don't know what your endgame is, but I want in.
I will bring you back human ears for a necklace.
I am your guy.
Didn't you have, like, a nervous breakdown? - You had a nervous breakdown, right? - It was not a breakdown.
It was just more a little bit of psychological indigestion.
You just got back from Nevada and you lost the recount.
It's got to be a pretty stressful time.
Seems to me like you're spinning out.
At least that's what I'm gonna have to tell everyone.
Which would be a shame.
You're right.
I don't even know what we were talking about.
We're talking about your mental state, Dan.
Your lips are looking a little dry.
- I just want to see if I have that balm.
- Oh, goodie.
Kent: Ben is bringing over Vice President Doyle.
He insisted on seeing you.
Forgive me, but you have to be nice to him.
What? I know that.
Why is everybody always telling me to be nice? All right? It is oh, here.
- Jesus Horatio Christ.
- (LAUGHS) Andrew.
Wow.
Needless to say, I did not have root canal.
Thanks, guys.
I got it.
Come, sit down, please.
Can I just say how much I appreciate your coming down on your Thanksgiving and giving it up to come here? Thank you.
Sherman may have been from the other side of the aisle, but he's a decent guy even though he still used the word coloreds.
Oh, well, nobody's perfect, right? You can cut the shit, Selina.
I have barely seen you for two months.
- Well, apologies about that.
- Okay.
Listen, I will go out there with my golden boy smile, - give 'em the Doyle dazzle.
- Okay.
But there's something I want in return.
I want to be considered for Secretary of State.
(LAUGHING) It's the job I've always wanted.
Hughes said that he would give it to me if he won a second term.
And he also said he'd kick you off the ticket.
See, there's that Doyle dazzle and I'm a big fan of it.
(CHUCKLES) Andrew, I'm a woman of my word and you have my word.
Fair enough.
- Okay, good.
All right.
- Say, did Ben do this to you? - Because I can get you to a shelter.
- (LAUGHS) - That's so funny.
- Seriously, I know he says he loves you, but if you don't press charges, he's gonna kill you someday.
I love it.
Domestic abuse jokes.
They just tickle me.
(DOYLE LAUGHS) As most of you already know, Congressman Harry Sherman passed away today in a hospital near his home in his beloved state of New Hampshire.
Hey, I've got something for you guys, something big.
I think Tom is up to something with Sidney Purcell.
Up to what? At each of today's programs, he mentioned one of Purcell's clients.
I mean, zucchini, Pfizer, farmed salmon.
- Tom is not that stupid.
- There's a clear pattern.
And I noticed it, so I confronted him with the evidence.
- And? - And he said that I was crazy.
- You know what it could be? - What? That you are fucking crazy.
You were foaming at the mouth during the election.
(MUTTERING) Tom James.
It was a fucking panic attack.
(MUTTERING) Tom James.
Goddamn panic attack.
You know it was a fucking panic attack.
Kent: Well done.
Congratulations, Mrs.
McLintock.
Listen, baby, I have some giblets simmering and five really hungry people, so I'm gonna need you to be really quick.
No problem.
Fastest gun in DC.
Do you smell something? No, nothing.
Just the whiff of romance.
No, I smell something.
You don't smell anything? Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Amy's dad: So what is this Tom James guy like? - Is he tall? - I should get back to work.
- The president needs me.
- Well, you just got here.
Why don't you tell me about Vegas? Did you two girls have fun? Well, one of us did, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas! Amy, please don't swear like that in front of the kids.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - I'll get it.
Do not make me call your fathers.
What the fuck? You're not answering your phone? - My family hid it.
- Look, I've got to run something by you.
I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman.
- Amy's mom: Who's there, honey? - Just Dan.
Oh, good.
Bring him in.
- It's Thanksgiving.
- Please don't make me.
Jeff: I spoke to the governor.
New Hampshire is gonna hold a special election for the seat before Christmas.
- But - Sounds like a big goddamn but.
Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams but.
Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.
I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.
We've got a list of vetted names here.
Great, why don't you send them right over to me? - I'm running low on toilet paper.
- Excuse me? You don't give me names, Beardo.
I give you names.
So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up tubby's dick.
So who's your choice? You know I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.
Heard a lot of great things about Ezra.
Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight.
After kids, probably still be a seven.
Mark my words, he will be president someday.
But Ezra's currently serving in Afghanistan.
Besides, for anyone to beat the widow, they're gonna have to fight dirty - and I don't shit where I eat.
- Well, me neither, not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper.
We need a real piece of cannon fodder here, some spectacular dumbass willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation, and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in.
So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses? There's only one name on it.
TOM: For my family back in Connecticut, we ditched the turkey.
That's because I have a special recipe for farmed salmon with a side of zucchini.
- See? They're both clients.
- Well, what does it mean? - I don't know.
- He doesn't know.
Why would he know? So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie.
What would you like? You know, I would love a little bit of both.
Oh, you want both, do you? Yeah, why not? I'll tell you why not, you shit sack Casanova.
You have had sex with both of my daughters.
I mean, have you no shame? Wait a minute, sweetie, I just figured it out.
You know what it is? You want to fuck my wife, too, don't you? - Good night, Brookheimers.
- Bye, Dan.
- AMY'S MOM: Sorry.
- (LAUGHS) Mrs.
Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless.
- Oh.
- Wow, that is some overbite.
It's like a wererabbit.
Well, I was advanced for my age.
I had all my adult teeth by age four.
I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age.
- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- MRS.
RYAN: Okay, Jeff.
I should tell you that there's not enough white meat to go around.
- I don't want a repeat of '79.
- Whatever.
Listen, the reason I'm here now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero? No, I want you to run.
You want me to run his campaign? No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat.
Joni? Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit.
Amen.
The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five.
The House kneels before the fucking J-man.
I'm running for Congress! Oh, my God, that's great.
Actual Congress or some fantasy league Congress? Of course, up against the Widow Sherman, it's gonna be like climbing Mt.
McKinley with your balls stapled to a piano.
She's got my vote, bless her heart.
Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do.
Ice bucket challenge.
You backed out of that.
Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.
Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.
- Who is this man? - Richard Splett.
- Splett? - Splett.
Yeah, okay.
This is just for one term here, Jonah.
You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.
Once I'm in, I'm in.
I went to the White House on a three-week placement.
I'm a MRSA infection.
You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.
Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.
Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.
Can I talk to you down here just a minute? Yeah.
Now listen to me, you walking trisomy.
I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire.
You are my puppet.
I'd let you dance.
And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage.
Now, do you or do you not understand me?! - Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
- Yeah.
- Jeff.
Jeff.
- Hey, leave it.
I don't want you screaming at Joni.
Congratulations, sir.
May I be the first to join your campaign? - Absolutely, chief of staff.
- Please let me earn it.
There will be a vetting process.
(REPORTERS MURMURING) Okay, I'll just take a few questions first, then I'll bring you up again, okay? - All right.
- Okay.
Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a turkey's bed? I'm sorry? I should add the turkeys were no longer there.
Never mind.
I'll be back.
- REPORTERS: Mike! Mike! Mike! - You wanted to see me, ma'am? How'd it go with the New Hampshire Napoleon? - He's got a lot of ideas.
- Yeah? Good.
Oh, my God.
Would you look at this? Reporter: Mike, why won't she give a statement? Somewhere in the world there's a woman exactly my age getting her pussy eaten and I'm stuck here watching this.
God, I've got to get out there.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING) When Admiral Burger first suggested this trip, it seemed like a very small sacrifice to forgo a traditional Thanksgiving with my beloved daughter Catherine and travel here to be with our brave sailors and Marines.
- Ooh-rah! - (CHEERING) And, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I want to thank you for your understanding as to the secrecy of this trip and why I've had to be incommunicado for the last few days.
I also want to take this opportunity to introduce Congressman Bill Jaeger from the first district in the great state of Wisconsin.
- They're ready for you, ma'am.
- How was your Thanksgiving, Marjorie? - It was nice, ma'am.
- Where were you? - Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.
I know, ma'am.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) - What? - What just happened? - I can't even look at her.
- Yeah.
All right, who's ready for some piping hot tofurkey? Where are the tongs? Ma'am, I'll be happy to hold your sunglasses for you.
Oh, no, no, I'm good.
That's tofurkey.
It's made from - Wheat, protein, organic tofu.
- wheat, protein, and organic tofu.
- There you go.
- We're gonna have a mutiny.
We're gonna have a mut let's get some meat on your bones.
Or we'll put this on your bones.
- We just got a text from Ben.
- Okay.
He said your trip is playing really well.
- Keep waving the flag.
- Great.
And Jonah's running for Congress in New Hampshire.
What? What? What is that? - Oh, my God.
Ah! - Oh.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Just shit.
I bet you there's about 20 pieces of corn in here.
Could be more.
Probably fit a lot of corn in there.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is going here.
(GOBBLING) Thanksgiving has always meant sharing the bounty of our rich land, especially turkey.
But the one thing we will not be sharing this holiday is Drumstick or Cranberry.
Catherine actually personally chose those names, didn't you, honey? - Um, yes, I did.
- Yes, she did.
Help me get a few more details about these turkeys that I can maybe give the press.
Like are they gonna hit the minibar tonight at their hotel? Well, we booked the hotel for a few nights, but I'm taking these guys straight to a petting zoo in Virginia after the ceremony.
Oh, they can while away the rest of their peaceful years there.
Well, they were bred to be eaten, so they'll probably collapse from their own weight and die in a year or two, tops.
Is there a more fun way to say that? With the power vested in me, I hereby declare Drumstick and Cranberry pardoned from the Thanksgiving dinner table and also for tax evasion.
(CROWD LAUGHS) - There we go.
Oh! Oh! - (GOBBLING) I think they're trying to fly away.
Ooh, these birds are filthy.
- Dan.
- Hey, why have I been greened? - Will you tell our friend over here - Take it easy.
It's just a screwup with the security office.
Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls.
I'm gonna assign you to Tom James' office.
They're shorthanded since we're duking it out with Congress.
I'll escort him in.
He's harmless.
Unless you got a sister.
You looking forward to Thanksgiving, Marjorie? - Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Where do you spend the holiday? - In Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.
I know, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so tell Congressman Price I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys, so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up that Missouri delegation when the House votes, right? Well played, ma'am.
Missouri's the largest turkey-producing state in the union.
Second only to Minnesota followed by North Carolina.
Ma'am.
And Arkansas.
Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag (SNAPS FINGERS) and we can wrap up Michigan.
Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid.
Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down? Oh, ma'am, latest from Treasury is housing starts are down and unemployment's up.
Any chance we can switch those? I'll turn the graphs upside down.
Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need you this weekend or tomorrow, - so you can take that off, okay? - Oh, fantastic.
My husband and I are having his whole family over for turkey.
Husband? You're married? Yes.
Last year.
250 people, no one from work.
Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec? - Privately? - Sure, honey.
- What is it? - Okay.
Well, I was just gonna go meet Dad and Monica.
I was just wondering what time you'll be arriving.
Oh, honey, I can't.
But it's the first Thanksgiving since Mee-maw's gone.
There's a lot to be thankful for.
But we're doing a whole dinner at her house.
I mean, it or, well, my house.
God, it still sounds so weird saying that.
Yeah, it really does.
But I have to be here, sweetie pie, 'cause I've got to call all of these Congress people.
Whip the vote.
You understand that.
Mommy's got to whip.
- Whip it good.
What is that? - Devo.
Well, can't you make those phone calls from anywhere? - Nope, it's got to be Washington.
- Right.
It makes a big difference to know that she's calling from the Oval.
But doesn't it just come up as unlisted? They're ready in the Roosevelt Room.
Mom, so this is the famous White House mess.
- Oh, very nice, Joni.
- Yeah, isn't it? So this was renovated in 1951 by hey, I'll be right back.
Okay, just one second.
Ooh, is that the mandarin chicken salad? Looks delicious.
Hey, can I see your badge? My rusty sheriff's badge? Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, but this is the White House mess and to be in here, you got to have one of these blue bad boys.
Why are you doing this, Jonah? You see the picture of Grover Cleveland? Is that a tear in his eye because he knows the rules aren't being respected? Oh, Jesus.
Fuck you.
Excuse me, sir.
We have an intruder here.
No, we don't.
You know, Jonah, I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red, glistening dog dick.
- Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs.
Ryan.
- Oh, you, too.
- Well, I'm ready if you are.
- For what? I invited Richard to come back with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Mom, you don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.
I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.
Richard, would you like to come to Thanksgiving dinner? MAN ON TV: Thanksgiving wouldn't be complete (KNOCKS) Morning.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Are they ready for me? - Yeah.
It's this election has just been brutal on me.
My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack.
- Oh, please.
He wishes.
- Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press that we're closing up shop for the Thanksgiving holiday and we're monitoring a North Korean military exercise right now and that's about it.
God, all that exercising and Glorious Leader still can't seem to take off a pound, right? That haircut's not doing him any favors.
The South Korean PM is asking for a few minutes to discuss.
And the CDC is reporting a few more cases of salmonella poisoning linked to contaminated poultry.
Tell the South Korean PM I'll give her a call later this afternoon.
- Right.
- After, you know.
Wish me luck, though.
- Good luck.
- Yeah.
- Madam President.
- Dr.
Abernathy.
- If you could please have a seat.
Gary.
- Dr.
Abernathy.
- You're here.
- I'm here to assist the president.
Well, I think that Karen and I can handle this.
- Oh! - Oh, I'm so sorry.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
I'm just a little nervous, I have to confess.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
In fact, I usually perform things that are a bit more complicated than a De-bagging.
A De-bagging? Is that what you just said? I thought you said tea-bagging.
No, no, no.
That's my department.
He means that literally.
He doesn't know what the other thing is.
Anyway, listen, can you just talk me through this procedure one more time? It's quite simple.
I actually don't have to make any cuts to the exterior dermis.
It's all approached internally from behind the eyelid.
There's gonna be a little swelling and of course a tiny bit of bruising afterwards.
- Ooh, bruising? - Yes, Gary, bruising.
That's when a little blood collects underneath the skin.
It's not a problem for an actual doctor.
Now, the beauty of this procedure is that we can do it today and you'll be healed by Monday.
And I'll look 10 years younger.
That would make you a baby.
- Okay, it's - Shall we get started? - Okay.
Yeah.
- Gary, if you'll please excuse us.
It's very easy for me just to sit right there.
- I've got it.
- Easy.
Officials are reporting a salmonella outbreak KENT: You seeing this? that has led to 37 hospitalizations in four states.
POTUS is still getting permanently Photoshopped.
Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down.
Let's send Tom James out as well.
He's a tall drink of Xanax.
The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance.
Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics? Or how to cook a fucking turkey.
Oh, sir, you're here now.
Good.
- So Ben told me that apparently - We're being deployed.
Operation Calm the Fuck Down.
- Yes.
- Come on in.
- Just the guy I wanted to see.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Ooh, uh-oh.
I know that number.
The number of the beast Sidney Purcell.
I don't know why he keeps calling me.
His comprehension of the word no hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level.
But anyway, sir, how can I help you? Got a little something for you.
Carol in personnel owed me a favor.
Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face.
I think that's genetic.
You know, Egan, I work a little differently than the president.
As far as treating my staff, I try not to act like an alcoholic father who has just stepped on a Lego.
I value openness and straight talk.
You're part of the James team now.
- Part of my inner circle.
- I'm honored.
So raise your right hand and repeat the oath.
I'm fucking with you.
Come on, let's go.
That's very good, sir.
- Mike! Mike! - Mike, is this a salmonella epidemic? Is the president going to make a statement? She will be making a full statement soon sooner than you think, but only when she's ready.
Right now, though, I'd like to bring up Dr.
Robert Weinberg from the Centers for Disease Control.
Dr.
Weinberg.
- This is not good.
- It's fine.
Everybody's watching football.
There's only a couple cases.
No, Wendy's pissed.
I left her at home with her folks and my folks plus her kids.
Shit, I don't even know who's at my house.
I don't even know if they're in town.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy.
She still has a great rack, though.
- What do you think? - Oh, yeah.
You did great, ma'am.
- Oh, good.
- (KNOCKS) Excuse me, ma'am.
- Hi, guys.
- GARY: Doesn't she look amazing? Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.
Ma'am, the salmonella outbreak has mushroomed.
The cases now number over 200.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding? - Should I make a statement? - BEN: No, that's not a good idea.
No one should see you while your face is marinating.
Okay, she just had 10 years taken off her eyes.
- Yes.
- BEN: Well, I don't think they left yet.
You just stay hidden, okay? Doctor's orders, right? What are you asking him for? He's not a doctor.
I mean, he doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of.
Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management - from Cornell University.
- No, you don't.
Maybe we should ask the vice president to make a statement.
No! He's the old face of this administration.
- This is the new face.
- It's a beautiful face.
Well, you know So may we go ahead and ask Doyle? All right, fine.
Ow! - Whoa.
- Aw.
It really hurts to roll my eyes.
Okay, yes, ask Doyle.
But don't tell him why.
- Wow.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Please don't keep touching me every day.
The first ever Thanksgiving, there was actually no turkey at all.
- Did you know that? - Fascinating.
The pilgrims, they ate deer and harvest vegetables like corn, zucchini.
- They yelled at Grandpa, obviously.
- (CHUCKLES) - Of course.
- Some truths are eternal, but no turkey.
- Thank you, Senator.
- You're welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving and early Hanukkah.
Yes.
We will be right back after this short break.
- MAN: And we're clear.
- I love the Hanukkah bit.
Good.
I'm jonesing for a cup of coffee.
I mean sell my sweet white ass on a street corner jonesing.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, yeah.
Also one cream, splash of half-and-half, one sugar, one Splenda.
If that's not too much trouble.
- Not at all.
I'm - Egan to please.
Ben: Mr.
Vice President.
Ben, I would have you to the table, but my wife, she fucking hates you as do I.
And we had to throw the turkey in the trash.
That's why I'm here.
We need you to make a statement about the salmonella outbreak.
Oh, why doesn't the president make it? Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery.
- She can't make a statement.
- You're fucking kidding me.
Why wasn't I informed? You know there's a system in place for this eventuality? It falls between the 24th and 26th Amendment.
She hasn't been sedated.
She's not incapacitated.
So there was no need to invoke the 25th.
Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me.
She's not not incapacitated.
She's just not fully capacitated.
(LAUGHS) You fucking people.
I mean, you treat the Constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu.
Sir, you're calm, you're confident, you exude a crotchety gravitas.
We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts.
Doyle: So I've spoken to the president.
She's up to date with the situation, which we think is under control.
Yeah, Jeff? How do you feel about the term Turkeypocalypse? I think that's a term invented by the media.
It's idiotic, but it scares people into watching more news, right? - This is amazing.
- Yeah, he's doing okay.
No, I got an email from that surrogate we met with.
She's on board.
We're putting a baby in her.
(LAUGHS) Jesus, Mike.
I'm gonna put a baby in you - if you don't get your head in the game.
- Sorry.
- Where is the president? - James, do me a favor.
Next time you have a root canal, remind me.
I'll come and pester you to be back at your desk in an hour.
Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed.
Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow.
You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel.
All right, who's up first? We've got Congressman Jaeger.
He's from Wisconsin.
Is he the one with the prostitute problem? Mmm Oh, never mind.
They all have that.
House is like Caligula's room.
Okay, well, you got the that's a five.
Yeah, I got it.
- WOMAN: Hello? - Happy Thanksgiving.
This is the president calling.
Is Congressman Jaeger available? - Oh, sure.
Let me get him.
- Thank you.
See? President calling herself.
That's gotta be very impressive.
(LAUGHING) I would die.
Jaeger: Yes, Madam President, hello.
Selina: Congressman Jaeger, how are you? Well, to be honest, the holidays are a little tough on our family.
My wife and I are trying to work some things out.
- (WHISPERS) Prostitutes.
- Mm-hmm.
So I'm sure that you know why I'm calling, Congressman.
Of course.
The salmonella outbreak.
Ma'am, have you considered making a statement? If I have learned one thing about crisis management, it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people.
If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything.
Bordello Bill is giving me advice.
Maybe you should declare a state of emergency.
- Are you able to do that? - Yeah, but unfortunately, I have to run.
I hope I can count on your support in the upcoming vote.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my God.
How many more of these do we have to do? Okay, we've got Congressman Coffey.
Coffey.
Where does he stick his dick? Here's the statement from Health and Human Services.
Hey, do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel? Yeah, in the Philippines.
Another 60 cases being reported including New Hampshire Congressman Harry Sherman.
Jeez, he couldn't eat a turkey unless you put it in a blender and fed it to him through a straw.
Wait, the turkeys have a hotel room, right? Yes.
We better go see the black-eyed pea.
- WENDY: Hello? - Big news, babe.
Our surrogate Debralee is a go.
Praise Jesus! Are you kidding me? We got to celebrate.
Afternoon quickie.
Where? In the basement? Not this time.
Big Mike has a surprise.
I got us a suite at the Willard.
I'll text you the no, I'll sext you the room number.
Any news on Sherman? CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
What is this? Is that lint? - You got one of those - Yeah, lint brush.
Sure, right here.
That is amazing.
Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee? - I'm running on fumes.
- I'm your man.
And one cream.
Splash of half-and-half.
One sugar and one Splenda.
Fuck me.
Selina: Yes, Congressman, the vice president is certainly the the president that never was.
You know what, actually? I'm gonna have to call you back, Congressman.
Thank you so much.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Yes.
What? - Sherman's dead.
- (GASPS) Ow! Oh, my God, that hurts so much.
Please don't surprise me like that again.
We just got word.
Why couldn't he have waited until after the weekend? Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen.
Say what, now? We just lost the oldest member of the House and our president can't make a statement without a paper bag on her head.
You're missing the big picture.
Sherman was an O'Brien diehard.
That's one less vote for O'Brien and possibly one vote for us if they can hold a special election in time.
New Hampshire could give us the presidency.
If I had known that, I would have killed him myself.
Jonah's Uncle Jeff is flying down.
He's still the kingmaker in New Hampshire.
God, he is such, like, a little man, isn't he? He is.
- Fuck! - SELINA: What? O'Brien is offering condolences to the widow.
We got to get somebody to say something about Sherman.
Not Doyle.
Anyone but the veep.
- We got to lance that Doyle.
- No promises, ma'am.
- What? - No promises.
Come on.
- What is that? - It's your Thanksgiving meal.
Why are there two place settings? You know Charlie's not coming, right? I do.
That was just for in case you wanted someone to sit with you.
Not to eat, just to talk.
Or be quiet.
- I'm not hungry.
- Me neither.
- DOYLE: You again? - BEN: Sherman's dead.
We need you to make another statement.
What is dental surgery code for anyway, Ben? I mean, is it like anal bleaching? Because if it is, you should just come out and say that because the American people, they'll accept it in time.
To be honest with you, sir, she's not looking real good.
And I'll be honest with you.
I don't think you're being honest about being honest.
So you know what? I want to see the president.
- That won't be necessary.
- No more messengers, Ben.
If she wants me to do her bullshit, she can tell me out of her own shining white asshole.
Today's media-go-round was a tour De force.
More like a waste De time.
Well, maybe you thought I was too busy sorting through your junk mail folder to realize you mentioned things like zucchini and Atlantic City and Pfizer, all clients, of course, of Sidney "Why is That Guy Calling Me" Purcell.
I used a lot of other words, too.
I'm pretty sure I said "be" and also "careful.
" I don't know what your endgame is, but I want in.
I will bring you back human ears for a necklace.
I am your guy.
Didn't you have, like, a nervous breakdown? - You had a nervous breakdown, right? - It was not a breakdown.
It was just more a little bit of psychological indigestion.
You just got back from Nevada and you lost the recount.
It's got to be a pretty stressful time.
Seems to me like you're spinning out.
At least that's what I'm gonna have to tell everyone.
Which would be a shame.
You're right.
I don't even know what we were talking about.
We're talking about your mental state, Dan.
Your lips are looking a little dry.
- I just want to see if I have that balm.
- Oh, goodie.
Kent: Ben is bringing over Vice President Doyle.
He insisted on seeing you.
Forgive me, but you have to be nice to him.
What? I know that.
Why is everybody always telling me to be nice? All right? It is oh, here.
- Jesus Horatio Christ.
- (LAUGHS) Andrew.
Wow.
Needless to say, I did not have root canal.
Thanks, guys.
I got it.
Come, sit down, please.
Can I just say how much I appreciate your coming down on your Thanksgiving and giving it up to come here? Thank you.
Sherman may have been from the other side of the aisle, but he's a decent guy even though he still used the word coloreds.
Oh, well, nobody's perfect, right? You can cut the shit, Selina.
I have barely seen you for two months.
- Well, apologies about that.
- Okay.
Listen, I will go out there with my golden boy smile, - give 'em the Doyle dazzle.
- Okay.
But there's something I want in return.
I want to be considered for Secretary of State.
(LAUGHING) It's the job I've always wanted.
Hughes said that he would give it to me if he won a second term.
And he also said he'd kick you off the ticket.
See, there's that Doyle dazzle and I'm a big fan of it.
(CHUCKLES) Andrew, I'm a woman of my word and you have my word.
Fair enough.
- Okay, good.
All right.
- Say, did Ben do this to you? - Because I can get you to a shelter.
- (LAUGHS) - That's so funny.
- Seriously, I know he says he loves you, but if you don't press charges, he's gonna kill you someday.
I love it.
Domestic abuse jokes.
They just tickle me.
(DOYLE LAUGHS) As most of you already know, Congressman Harry Sherman passed away today in a hospital near his home in his beloved state of New Hampshire.
Hey, I've got something for you guys, something big.
I think Tom is up to something with Sidney Purcell.
Up to what? At each of today's programs, he mentioned one of Purcell's clients.
I mean, zucchini, Pfizer, farmed salmon.
- Tom is not that stupid.
- There's a clear pattern.
And I noticed it, so I confronted him with the evidence.
- And? - And he said that I was crazy.
- You know what it could be? - What? That you are fucking crazy.
You were foaming at the mouth during the election.
(MUTTERING) Tom James.
It was a fucking panic attack.
(MUTTERING) Tom James.
Goddamn panic attack.
You know it was a fucking panic attack.
Kent: Well done.
Congratulations, Mrs.
McLintock.
Listen, baby, I have some giblets simmering and five really hungry people, so I'm gonna need you to be really quick.
No problem.
Fastest gun in DC.
Do you smell something? No, nothing.
Just the whiff of romance.
No, I smell something.
You don't smell anything? Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Amy's dad: So what is this Tom James guy like? - Is he tall? - I should get back to work.
- The president needs me.
- Well, you just got here.
Why don't you tell me about Vegas? Did you two girls have fun? Well, one of us did, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas! Amy, please don't swear like that in front of the kids.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - I'll get it.
Do not make me call your fathers.
What the fuck? You're not answering your phone? - My family hid it.
- Look, I've got to run something by you.
I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman.
- Amy's mom: Who's there, honey? - Just Dan.
Oh, good.
Bring him in.
- It's Thanksgiving.
- Please don't make me.
Jeff: I spoke to the governor.
New Hampshire is gonna hold a special election for the seat before Christmas.
- But - Sounds like a big goddamn but.
Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams but.
Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.
I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.
We've got a list of vetted names here.
Great, why don't you send them right over to me? - I'm running low on toilet paper.
- Excuse me? You don't give me names, Beardo.
I give you names.
So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up tubby's dick.
So who's your choice? You know I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.
Heard a lot of great things about Ezra.
Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight.
After kids, probably still be a seven.
Mark my words, he will be president someday.
But Ezra's currently serving in Afghanistan.
Besides, for anyone to beat the widow, they're gonna have to fight dirty - and I don't shit where I eat.
- Well, me neither, not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper.
We need a real piece of cannon fodder here, some spectacular dumbass willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation, and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in.
So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses? There's only one name on it.
TOM: For my family back in Connecticut, we ditched the turkey.
That's because I have a special recipe for farmed salmon with a side of zucchini.
- See? They're both clients.
- Well, what does it mean? - I don't know.
- He doesn't know.
Why would he know? So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie.
What would you like? You know, I would love a little bit of both.
Oh, you want both, do you? Yeah, why not? I'll tell you why not, you shit sack Casanova.
You have had sex with both of my daughters.
I mean, have you no shame? Wait a minute, sweetie, I just figured it out.
You know what it is? You want to fuck my wife, too, don't you? - Good night, Brookheimers.
- Bye, Dan.
- AMY'S MOM: Sorry.
- (LAUGHS) Mrs.
Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless.
- Oh.
- Wow, that is some overbite.
It's like a wererabbit.
Well, I was advanced for my age.
I had all my adult teeth by age four.
I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age.
- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- MRS.
RYAN: Okay, Jeff.
I should tell you that there's not enough white meat to go around.
- I don't want a repeat of '79.
- Whatever.
Listen, the reason I'm here now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero? No, I want you to run.
You want me to run his campaign? No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat.
Joni? Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit.
Amen.
The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five.
The House kneels before the fucking J-man.
I'm running for Congress! Oh, my God, that's great.
Actual Congress or some fantasy league Congress? Of course, up against the Widow Sherman, it's gonna be like climbing Mt.
McKinley with your balls stapled to a piano.
She's got my vote, bless her heart.
Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do.
Ice bucket challenge.
You backed out of that.
Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.
Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.
- Who is this man? - Richard Splett.
- Splett? - Splett.
Yeah, okay.
This is just for one term here, Jonah.
You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.
Once I'm in, I'm in.
I went to the White House on a three-week placement.
I'm a MRSA infection.
You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.
Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.
Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.
Can I talk to you down here just a minute? Yeah.
Now listen to me, you walking trisomy.
I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire.
You are my puppet.
I'd let you dance.
And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage.
Now, do you or do you not understand me?! - Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
- Yeah.
- Jeff.
Jeff.
- Hey, leave it.
I don't want you screaming at Joni.
Congratulations, sir.
May I be the first to join your campaign? - Absolutely, chief of staff.
- Please let me earn it.
There will be a vetting process.
(REPORTERS MURMURING) Okay, I'll just take a few questions first, then I'll bring you up again, okay? - All right.
- Okay.
Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a turkey's bed? I'm sorry? I should add the turkeys were no longer there.
Never mind.
I'll be back.
- REPORTERS: Mike! Mike! Mike! - You wanted to see me, ma'am? How'd it go with the New Hampshire Napoleon? - He's got a lot of ideas.
- Yeah? Good.
Oh, my God.
Would you look at this? Reporter: Mike, why won't she give a statement? Somewhere in the world there's a woman exactly my age getting her pussy eaten and I'm stuck here watching this.
God, I've got to get out there.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING) When Admiral Burger first suggested this trip, it seemed like a very small sacrifice to forgo a traditional Thanksgiving with my beloved daughter Catherine and travel here to be with our brave sailors and Marines.
- Ooh-rah! - (CHEERING) And, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I want to thank you for your understanding as to the secrecy of this trip and why I've had to be incommunicado for the last few days.
I also want to take this opportunity to introduce Congressman Bill Jaeger from the first district in the great state of Wisconsin.
- They're ready for you, ma'am.
- How was your Thanksgiving, Marjorie? - It was nice, ma'am.
- Where were you? - Maryland, ma'am.
- Oh, that's where I'm from.
I know, ma'am.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) - What? - What just happened? - I can't even look at her.
- Yeah.
All right, who's ready for some piping hot tofurkey? Where are the tongs? Ma'am, I'll be happy to hold your sunglasses for you.
Oh, no, no, I'm good.
That's tofurkey.
It's made from - Wheat, protein, organic tofu.
- wheat, protein, and organic tofu.
- There you go.
- We're gonna have a mutiny.
We're gonna have a mut let's get some meat on your bones.
Or we'll put this on your bones.
- We just got a text from Ben.
- Okay.
He said your trip is playing really well.
- Keep waving the flag.
- Great.
And Jonah's running for Congress in New Hampshire.
What? What? What is that? - Oh, my God.
Ah! - Oh.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Just shit.
I bet you there's about 20 pieces of corn in here.
Could be more.
Probably fit a lot of corn in there.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is going here.