Workaholics s05e05 Episode Script

With teamwork comes trust.
With trust comes success.
These are all principles that I-- Well, well, well.
Lookee what we got here.
Three young bucks.
I like it.
More like frickin' hung bucks.
- 'Cause our things are huge.
- Yes.
Who are you? I am Teddy, and corporate has sent me here because tomorrow, I will be running the TelAmeriCorp team building competition, the winners of which get a weekend at a beautiful timeshare in sunny Palm Springs, California.
Ooh.
So, like, what's the deal with the competition? Well, I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say there'll be lots of activities that include teamwork, cooperation, and trust falls! Gil! Boom! Boom! Yeah.
Good job, Gil.
He's really strong.
Each team is gonna get a T-shirt.
What color would you boys like to be? - Red.
- We call blue.
- Yellow.
- Red.
- Blue.
- Yellow.
You fools are already starting on the wrong foot, huh? Tez Shut up your gigantic mouth.
Because there's one thing about us that you did not count on.
That's right.
Trust fall.
Wait, what? Hey, what the heck, man? My cereal.
Looking more like bust fall.
Bust fall.
You should tweet that.
Yeah.
You boys owe me some cereal.
I'm fine.
Lloyd was pissed.
Did you see him? Did you see how big his eyes get? I got to tell you, I've seen some sad stuff around this office, but that bust fall was straight bust y'all.
Hey, Tez.
Still not funny.
Well, Twitter thought it was hilarious.
Nine faves and a retweet.
Thank you, Bill.
Nine faves.
Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
- That's a lot.
Okay, I wouldn't make a big deal about it, okay? We haven't even had our morning sugar-free Red Bulls.
We're still waking up.
We're getting the sleep out of our eyes.
- That's true.
- We know each other so well.
We're, like, telepathic.
Like, for instance, what's my favorite movie of all time? - Hocus Pocus.
- Thank you.
What is my most viewed website? GoddessPost at work, PornHub at home.
- True - What's my favorite-- Swimming.
- There it is.
- Wow.
All this is just surface chatter.
You see, Bill and I have a complex, adult, mature relationship.
We get real.
Bill, what's my biggest regret? Not forgiving your father for his destructive gambling before he died.
What's my biggest fear? That you'll die alone.
Crazier things have happened.
What do y'all guys got? You think you know each other? Adam, tell me, then.
What's Ders' biggest fear? Uh That his dick is smaller than mine, obviously.
Ooh, I'm so scared.
Yeah, he's scared about it.
Yeah, I know.
I bet he is.
I've seen his dick before; it's weird looking.
- Yeah.
- Very weird color.
Yeah, color of, like, a pomegranate tea.
Tell me about your friend.
What's Blake's biggest regret? Oh, I know this one.
It's--it's got to be those fish tacos he had for breakfast.
Heartburn city, right? Eww, are you kidding me? Those were fish? I thought they were chicken.
Now I'm really regretting 'em.
I hate fish.
I'm serious.
I'm allergic to fish.
We put fish in 'em.
We put fish in 'em.
We should take him to a hospital.
We just said, "Give us your fish.
" Is that why my eyes itch? Oh, my god.
We just said, "Give us your fish.
" He went to the bathroom, we're like, "We'll order for you; give us your fish.
" Your new nickname is "Fish Taco.
" This is like Romper Room in here right now.
Y'all a bunch of children.
That P.
Springs? It's in the bag.
Why did you think they were chicken? I don't know.
They smelled like chicken.
Okay, so say Montez is right, which he's probably not.
What could you guys possibly want to know about me? If we're gonna win this, we need to connect at the core.
- Yes.
- So, like, a Tez question.
Blake, what is your biggest secret? Go.
Anders, my life is an open book.
I'm not gonna read it to you, bud.
I'm not telling you my biggest secret.
Hey, you guys live here? No, we just sit on a stranger's roof and drink beer.
Is that true? It could be; I don't know you guys.
Yeah, we do live here, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, I'm working valet for the pride party down the street.
Pride party, nice.
We're big MMA dudes, man.
Yeah, man, I like my martial arts like I like my women.
Mixed, baby! Okay, well, look, we're running out of parking.
Can I use your driveway for the overflow? Yeah, sure, sure.
Go ahead, but, like, one question: How is there a party on our block, and they didn't dem boys? We dem boys.
How are we not invited? Yeah, how are we not invited? Yeah, how are we not invited? Yeah, yeah, yeah, how are we not invited? Yeah, yeah, yeah, how are we not invited? What? What? How are we not invited? Yeah, what? What? How are we not invited? Come on! Okay, I'm gonna park the car here.
How are we not invited? Oh, oh.
How's he not invited? Get them muscles out.
It's a pride party.
Who wants to get put in a rear naked choke? Eh, we should get going, right? Rainbows, rainbows.
Hi, welcome to the party.
There's hors d'oeurves and an open bar in back.
Hello - Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
Come on.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Who are they? - I don't-- Dude, are you pretending to be gay? What? Yeah, man.
I don't want to give them a reason to kick us out.
- This party seems pretty sweet.
- That's true.
Gay dudes are like hot chicks.
They only party with each other.
- Exactly.
- Right? Hi, I don't believe we've met.
I'm Joey, and this is Scott.
Wow, it is very surprising to me that we haven't run into each other, because we are just very involved in the scene.
The scene? Yes.
The having sex with other gay men scene.
Discos.
Yeah, we're three-way gay with each other.
It's just a shame we don't wear the same sized clothes, huh? I guess.
So that you could wear each other's clothes.
That is the reason.
Right, yeah.
Cool party.
Later, bitches.
Why are they pretending to be gay? Are they? Well, that little one looks like he could be a bottom.
Get to the point.
To free booze.
Boom.
Okay, Ders' turn.
What is something that makes you feel stuff? Hmm? I'm still pretty uncomfortable talking about this stuff.
So maybe we order a few more drinks, and then the feelings will just flop out.
Whoo! Calling all freaks All freaks all freaks Ah! Oh, you're turning me on, dude.
Here's a secret: if ejack tasted this good, I'd drink it by the frickin' gallon.
We're here! We're queer! We want to drink beer! Why isn't there beer? I'm gonna help myself.
I can shake it so fast.
Look how fast I can shake it.
Baby We're queer! We're here! We're here! Bottle landed right on my head.
I dropped it right on my head.
I sucked this guy [bleep.]
before, I think.
Grr, I'm gonna butt ram you.
Happy Pride Day! Dogpile! Oh, no! What the [bleep.]
is wrong with you? What, dude? It's actually still pretty good.
Oh, we're so bonded right now.
We're three-way gay! Blazer, shut up.
Close the curtains, dude.
Ow, ow, ow.
Easy with the sheets, man.
Ah, my knees.
Whose bedroom is this? Oh, my head.
Dude, you got frosting all over your chest.
Mm.
Yummy.
It's not frosting.
- What is it? - That's jizz.
There's jizz on my chest! - Jizz! - Whoa! It used to be frickin' wet, but now it's dry.
- It's dry jizz.
- Eww.
Why's there jizz on me? Um I - What? - What are you doing? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Okay, this is bad.
This is really, really bad.
You guys.
Please stop yelling.
You're gonna wake up the neighbors.
Guess what? We're awake, and I'm gonna freakin' call the police, 'cause I was ejacked on illegally.
What? We've been sexually assaulted, okay? Perhaps roofied, all right? Call a toxologist right now.
We were drugged and then fugged.
Drugged and fugged.
No, you weren't.
You guys.
You [bleep.]
the crap out of each other.
- What? - What? No.
They don't remember.
Really? We heard all this grunting coming from in here, so we came down the hall, and What? You boys were rockin' each other's worlds.
You kept saying how you wanted to get closer, and then you were just inside each other.
What? It was a real three-ring bone circus.
Yeah.
No! No! Wild.
Wow.
You guys look like you had a little too much fun last night.
No we don't; you do.
You ready to get your butts handed to you? No, all right? 'Cause our butts are our own; nobody else handles them.
So just shut up.
All right, TelAmericans! Yeah! Whoo! When I say "Tela," you say "mericans.
" Tela! Mericans.
Yeah! Boom! That's what I'm talking about.
I hope you people all brought your hard hats, because today, we are gonna be building some teams.
- Oh.
- Boom! That's funny.
I'm Teddy.
I will be your foreman.
Ugh.
And that will be the end of the building metaphors.
All right, let's break some ground! - Ugh.
- Okay.
That was the last one.
Here we go.
Stage dive.
Whoa! Palm springs! Get some! - Get it! - Okay, Jillian.
- Get it hard! - Chill out.
There is no way we're gonna win this stupid thing with Gary on our team.
I was a spy in Hong Kong.
Team Yellow, where are we? Here we go.
Boom! The green team, here we go.
Yeah, there you are.
And since you boys couldn't decide on one color, I had these made up for you special.
You're my rainbow warriors! Of course we are.
- Yeah, let's do this! - Okay.
Whichever team gets the most eggs in their basket in a minute is gonna get a 20-second head start for the final event, the obstacle race.
All right, everybody.
On your marks.
Adam, go.
I'm going.
Back up.
I'm where I'm at.
Just like the shell of an egg, a group is fragile and needs to be handled with-- [bleep.]
damn it.
Rainbow warriors, don't be afraid to touch, rainbow warriors.
That's it.
Use each other's bodies to balance.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
All right, quit looking at me.
I'm looking at the egg.
I'm looking up into the sky.
Mm.
Okay? Was it that hard? I wasn't looking at you.
Come here.
Don't touch me.
What are you doing, man? You just flinched.
I'm not gonna hit you.
Dog, back up off of me.
You're in m space, and I don't feel safe with that.
- You didn't feel safe? - No.
You don't feel-- you think I feel safe when you parked your car in my garage last night? You didn't even ask.
You probably wanted my sport wagon up in your garage, okay? You probably begged for it.
You guys are both sickos, 'cause you guys frickin' smashed your cars into my very tender, very tight little garage, and then one of you hosed me down right on the chest with freaking wiper fluid.
Maybe it was both of you.
It seemed to be a lot.
See, Adam I understand.
He'll park his little Mini in any old garage.
I have a very, very medium-sized sedan.
I left my garage door open, and you parked your car and left me with a leaky tailpipe.
Leaky tail? That's disgusting.
What does that even mean? Was your butthole leaking today? That's gross.
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing? Alice, Alice, I got this.
Guys, you're on the same team.
Stop! This team's over.
Come on, rainbow warriors.
Bring it in.
Let's go talk this out.
Bring it in, come on.
Yeah, stop, please.
All right.
What's the problem? You know what, Teddy What? We have Some friends, right? And they live together, and they work together, and they used to be best friends until last night.
What happened to these friends of yours last night? Oh.
The three friends hooked up with each other hard.
- Yeah.
- Once.
Just one time, but a lot of butt stuff and mouth stuff.
Okay, well, I would tell, uh I would tell your friends to get tested.
I would also tell your friends to have an honest, mature, adult conversation about what happened.
Hey, listen, if your friends want any more advice, just tell them to swing by my office.
Teddy We're talking about us.
I'm tweeting that.
I am tweeting that.
Whatever, maybe he's right.
Maybe we should have an adult, mature conversation about it.
Right.
Guys, bad news, but that-- that tweet is gonna be too many characters, so, uh I'm just gonna throw it into drafts and then circle back to it later.
As weird he is, maybe he's right.
Maybe we should talk about it.
I know we don't like to, like, freaking talk about, like, real stuff, like secrets.
- Yeah.
- We're dudes.
But now we have a huge secret.
Yeah, yeah.
And, I mean, this is a secret that we'll never tell anybody else, right? Nope, no.
I'm gonna freakin' take this one to my deathbed.
Until we write our tell-alls.
Yeah, or maybe it's just a tell-some.
All right, I'm gonna tell a secret.
Okay, remember that night when we were watching Shallow Hal, and, like, I just wouldn't stop crying? Yeah.
Okay, it's not because that movie is both hilarious and touching.
It is.
My uncle Howie died that night, and, you know, we were really close.
I really miss him, still.
I know you guys didn't know, but just having you there, it really helped me get through it.
I think I might be the son of my parents' gardener.
I caught him and my mom together when I was super young, and that means that I'm not 100% Norwegian.
I'm, like, half German-Irish or something.
It's okay.
Irish.
Yeah, it's all right.
I know this is gonna be hard to believe, but I wasn't the coolest kid in school.
In fact, I got beat up all the time.
I didn't have any friends.
Probably 'cause of the way you run.
No, not because of my run.
- It's a weird run.
- No.
And I think that's why I'm so addicted to freaking having these gigantic muscles and being this freaking mountain of beef you see before you today.
I've never told anyone that.
Wow.
Okay, that felt pretty good.
I felt something, yeah.
Shake it out, shake it out.
- Gross.
- Okay, whatever.
Last night happened.
That's in the past, but I just know that I need you guys in my life for the rest of my life, because you're my, like, rock, man.
Hey.
What do you guys say we go get Palm Sprung! Yeah, baby.
- Whoo! - Yeah.
Okay, all right.
We don't even need to do that.
- All right, race you guys.
- Yeah.
Oh, check it out, the run.
The run.
Wow.
- I want to kick his ass.
- Race you! Any questions? All right, we are ready to rock and jock.
So how's this work? Just went throught the whole thing.
I'm not gonna do that again.
It's, uh It's an obstacle course.
What do you want? All right, everybody line up.
Whoo! It's go time.
Hoo-ra! God, who gives a [bleep.]
? You want to lay down and quit, go ahead.
But I'm gonna finish this thing through to the end.
You're gonna wish you have never did that.
Here we go.
Green team.
You got this.
Go, go, go, go.
Yellow team airhorn.
Everybody else, airhorn! Get 'em, get 'em, get' em.
Great form, Adam.
Thanks, man.
Learned it from watching you, dude.
Oh, oh.
I got you, big boy.
I got you, big boy.
Wait, Adam, wait.
My knees, they're too tender.
I can't do it.
Here; use me as a human cushion.
Okay, thank you.
Looking good, guys.
They gaining on us.
Go! Come on, Bill.
- Come on.
- Yes! Ow.
That's it, rainbow warriors.
That's it.
Okay.
God damn, Bill, why you so fast? Ooh, that's high as [bleep.]
.
How we gonna get that? Wait.
Ah, man! Why don't you try shouldering the burden of your teammates.
I got it, human totem pole.
Let me up on your shoulders.
Hell to the no, you're not putting your stanky-ass balls in my face.
You don't wear underwear, Bill.
It's not good for them.
Remember teamwork builds trust, and trust builds success.
Adam.
Your balls, my face right now.
That'd be a dream come true! - Come on.
- Yes! Go on.
Get it.
Great, great, great.
I got you.
Oh! I'm all about that bass.
Ha ha! Okay, I'm gonna come up now.
All right, here I go.
Get in there, rainbow warriors.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
We're using some upper strength here.
Okay, going up the next tier.
Oh, god.
Just right there, bud.
We're just gonna-- whoo, you're tickling me.
I need to go higher.
Grab my butt.
It's okay.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
- I got it! - No! I got it.
I got it.
He--he got it.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! We're going to Palm Springs.
Suck it, Tez.
Don't really suck it, though.
We did that.
That's 'cause of you.
That's 'cause of you.
Proud to be your friend.
I don't want this friendship to ever end.
It never will.
But, you know, you guys didn't have to go face to crotch, face to crotch, face to crotch.
You could've just done it from behind.
Been there.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Sorry.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
Scott, the party toads are back.
Hey, guys, we just wanted to bring over a little peace offering for the way we acted at the party.
There you go.
We made it ourselves.
You get that? Of course.
So the butt sex we had at your party the other night, we'd never done that before.
We're not really three-way gay or even gay at all.
Not even the short one? No.
Yeah, you know, we're not gonna ever do it again, but it did really bring us closer together as friends, so thanks.
Oh, my god, we have to tell them.
What? No.
Yeah, we have to tell them.
Tell us what? Nothing.
Thank you for the cake.
- Bye.
- You didn't [bleep.]
each other.
We--no.
No, we definitely did.
We did.
We did, in a real way.
Changed me forever.
Dropped into each other.
That happened.
No, you didn't.
We staged the whole thing because you were acting like drunken jerks.
But I had a condom.
We put that in your butt with a toothbrush.
But my knees were all-- and my jaw was really sore.
I figured I had, like, three to four.
You choked our bodybuilder friend Rog.
He punched you in the face and dragged you by the hair into that room.
Rog? I thought we were friends.
So the sticky stuff on my chest was just glue.
No, that was semen.
Hmm? You were running around our house, masturbating, "I am the gayest of them all.
And then you finished on yourself, and you passed out.
Yep, you know what? I remember that.
I did do that.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, wait, hold on.
What you're saying is, that we--we did not have sex with each other? No.
- Okay.
- Oh, my god.
Okay, wow.
That's a relief.
We're gonna head out then.
We're going to Palm Springs for the weekend.
Yeah.
Us too.
We have a house down there.
Yeah, we're having a big party on Saturday-- Oh, yeah? - Huh.
- Wow.
Yeah.
You definitely shouldn't come by.
Joey.
Yeah.
Wow, they're having a party.
How are we not invited? Right? How are we not invited? How are we not invited? How are we not invited? Okay.
How are we not invited? All right.
How are we not invited? How are we not invited? How are we not invited? How are we not invited? How are we not invited? How are we not invited? How are we not--