X-Men (1992) s05e05 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously on X-MEN Uh-uh.
Don't touch that dial! And what, pray tell, are you X-Men going to give this mind-numbed bunch of couch potatoes and the trillions watching at home? They want blood and guts and love and hate.
They want entertainment! Violence and destruction are not forms of amusement.
(EXCLAIMS) Trust me, they are.
This, if you haven't been paying attention, is my dimension! Get with the program or get crushed! (SCREAMS) Red light.
Red light! -I saw it! -Yeah, right.
Why don't you pull in over there.
(TIRES SQUEALING) I'll just be a minute.
Don't take all day! I'm just starting to get good.
I always forget that clutch part.
Hey, watch out! Hello, sweetheart.
I don't believe we've been introduced.
Wow! Uh-oh! Wolverine! Who ordered the fireworks? Where are we? Why does this stuff always happen to me? -There! Take him! -They mean you! (SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Nice try.
But your luck just ran out.
Spiral! The Master Programmer wants him brought back -alive.
-He didn't specify in what condition.
Stop! (EXPLOSIONS) Jubilee, Princess of Pyrotechnics, commands you -to release the human! -Ignore her.
-She's just a little girl.
-A little girl? (CROWD CLAMORING) We should probably go.
If that rebel scum gets away, I'll cancel you, permanently! (GRUNTING) Warwolves! After the Lucky One! Uh-oh.
Jubilee! (SNIFFING) Longshot.
(GROWLING) Come on! LONGSHOT: I think we're rid of them.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING) JUBILEE: Whoa! Not good.
(SCREAMING) (SNARLING) Back off, metalhead! (WOLVERINE ROARING) Bad doggie! No biscuit.
We got leash laws in this town, mutt.
Hey, Rover! Heel! (SCREAMING) That's no way to treat a lady.
Cancel them.
Cancel them all.
(ROARING) Let's just finish it here.
Just you and me, pal.
These warriors were not anticipated.
-Time to pull the plug.
-Long broadcast Mojo! This isn't over, Longshot! Are you okay, Jubilee? Longshot! What are you doing here, pretty boy? -Are you blind? He's on our side! -We don't know that.
You've got about two seconds to tell me what's going on, blondie.
I don't know.
I can't remember anything.
Come on, Jubilee.
I'm taking your buddy here to the Professor.
We could use some answers.
MOJO: What do you mean he got away? Nitwits! Dim bulbs! He's still under contract! Do you realize what he's costing me? (BURPING) As if I don't have enough to worry about.
Slave rebellion workers who actually want to be paid, and my biggest star turned rebel! Ingrate! After all I've done for his career! Who decided to let actors think? If you want the little jerk so badly, why don't you go get him yourself? You presumptuous stack of armpits! Perhaps the sorceress has a point, my lardaceous liege.
An expedition to a primitive dimension like Earth's, home of the indomitable X-Men if I'm not mistaken, -led by the great Mojo himself.
-X-Men! Domo! Domo! I've just had the most brilliant idea! I, Mojo, will lead the expedition myself! (LAUGHING) Yeah! Think of it, think of it now! Longshot, my biggest star, the X-Men, a proven ratings hit, and me.
(GIGGLING) It'll be huge! (EXCLAIMING) When you are on screen, your bulbousity, the universe positively quivers.
We shall, however, need Spiral to cleave time and space.
Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.
Gog, where's Gog? Gog! Get your guys down to wardrobe! Come on, come on, come on, we're burning daylight here! Scramble a remote crew.
We're going live! JUBILEE: And this is the rec room.
Sure, you don't want something to drink? It's no problem.
-What the sam hill is he doing here? -Says he can't remember anything.
-I don't trust him.
-He saved your life! If you ask me, I think he's part of some Mojo-run set up.
-What is your problem? -Who is our guest? -He's one of Mojo's cronies and I've -We saved him from a bunch of -Beast? -His name is Longshot.
He was rescued earlier this evening by Logan and Jubilation from his erstwhile employer, Mojo.
I didn't want him wandering around loose, till you could take a look inside his head.
Are you blind? He's on our side! We don't know that.
Allowing me to scan his mind must be Longshot's decision.
I suggest he take a moment to consider it.
Come on, Longshot.
Time to blow this joint.
Don't go far.
I'll keep an eye on him.
The gal's kind of sweet on him, in case you didn't notice.
I noticed.
I hate it when Wolverine treats me like a kid! I'm 15 17 years old! I can look after myself! You certainly looked after me back there.
You have great courage.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
(SNORTING) Ugh! -What's the name of this dump again? -Earth, your magnificent abundance.
Earth? As in dirt? That stinks.
Who's afraid of dirt? No, no, no, no, no.
We'll call it Danger World! Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, wait, wait.
Terror World! Yeah! Untold rating points will be mine! Action! Excitement! Not too much violence though! Yeah, we'll leave that for the news and the talk shows.
XAVIER: His mind is barren.
I think I can help.
-But it will take time.
-I'm gonna go check on Jubilee.
Huh? I don't remember this being here.
(JUBILEE SCREAMING) I remember a great battle.
Mojo's genetically engineered slaves rebelled.
I, his star attraction, was their leader.
I was captured.
Mojo erased my memories, planning to use me in his televised campaign to crush the rebels.
My comrades rescued me.
Spiral tried to send them all to oblivion.
-And somehow I ended up here.
-Fascinating.
WOLVERINE: Something's wrong.
Better get here pronto.
What happened here? BEAST: It appears that the local flora has somehow been mutated, -drained of its life essence.
-It's Mojo! He's here! (SNIFFING) I can smell him.
I fear that Mojo's continued presence in our dimension could have dire consequences for all life on Earth.
I found something else! Jubilee's jacket! Nothing.
I can't read any future for her.
-You don't mean she's -No, she's here somewhere! And we're gonna find her.
BEAST: So you see, it seems much has changed on Mojo World since our television debut.
Longshot's an actor.
Who says (GRUNTING) he ain't playing a part? -You'll have to trust me.
-My trust is earned, bub.
And if anything happens to Jubilee, it'll come out of your hide.
Beast was right.
This weird forest is growing.
We gotta stop it before it gets to people's homes! MOJO: Live from Terror World! Tt's the premiere and final edition of "Intergalactic Gladiators"! I, Mojo, programmer to the galaxy, present our contestants tonight.
Back by popular demand, the X-Men! Beast, the mind of a genius in the body of a big blue gorilla.
Rogue, whose luscious lips (KISSING SOUNDS) no man may kiss! Wolverine, whose adamantium bones can't protect him from a broken heart.
Tonight's special guest star, in his final appearance anywhere, lover, rebel, movie star, your heartthrob and mine! Longshot! Their opponents, the gladiators will hunt the X-Men through the untamed wilds of Terror World -in the match-up of the millennium.
-Fascinating.
MOJO: The first to reach our lovely studio, filled with cash and fabulous prizes is the winner.
And the bait, excuse me, the grand prize, a dream date with teen heartthrob, Jubilee! Somebody please get me out of here! What do we need this little brat for? She's nothing but trouble.
Passion! Drama! Ratings! The other actors must be given the proper motivation.
Besides, I've got just the spinoff for it! LONGSHOT: Run! Reckon I'll take a little short cut.
(GROANS) Oh, sorry, sugar.
Air travel is provided by Mojo and only the Mojo! (MOJO LAUGHING) Make no mistake! These two teams are here to play! (MOJO BARKING) (MOJO LAUGHING) I appreciate the lift.
lf you three can draw him off, I can get to that arena quicker alone.
One of us should accompany you.
I believe the phrase is, "to watch your back.
" I'll go with Wolverine.
-In a pig's eye, you -Listen to me.
I know how Mojo works, and I know the equipment.
I got Jubilee into this.
I'm the only one who can get her out.
WOLVERINE: Move! This ought to get their attention.
This way.
Hey, hey, hey, hunters! I want to see some serious carnage or you guys are going home in a shoebox! Can I handle actors or what? BEAST: We should stay in the tree line.
(SCREECHING) Now what? -A big purple lizard? -Trust me, the kids will love it! (ROARING) Hey, stomper! (GROANS) Dang! I sense possible sanctuary in those cliffs.
Hold it! (SNIFFING) We're being followed.
You go on ahead.
I'll double back.
(MOJO LAUGHING) Wolverine.
Quark, who do you want to be? The guy who bumped off an Earther, or the man who defeated Longshot? Good point! He'll be out for a while.
-Are you okay? -I heal fast.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING) (SCREAMING) Shoot them! Somebody shoot them! Cancel them! No! No! This is horrible! All this chaos! All this destruction! And not a single camera in sight! All cameras to the arena, pronto! Yesterday! Move it! It appears we're no longer the star attraction.
(GROWLING) ROGUE: Come on! Sorry, boys.
Closed set.
-Out of our way, Spiral.
-Don't you dare tell me what to do! -What got her so worked up? -We used to date.
(SHOUTING) I'll handle her.
You get Jubilee.
Uh Looking for this? Gog, cancel this little mophead! This will look great on my resume! So, Lucky One, it seems your luck has finally run out.
ROGUE: Bombs away! (MOJO EXCLAIMING) (JUBILEE SCREAMING) You all right, hon? Remember me, bright-eyes? (EXCLAIMING) My remote! -Jubilee! Are you all right? -I am now.
Thank you.
MOJO: My ratings! I'm risking embarrassment and possible physical pain! And there are no ratings? Spiral! -Spiral, dear, get me out of here! -Take a number! You! This is all your fault, you little toad! Well, you haven't won yet! (LONGSHOT GRUNTING) 'Cause the show ain't over till the fat man stings! (LAUGHING) -That's all, folks! -No! (SCREAMING) Fooled you! Really had you going there, didn't I? Okay, joke's over.
We can all go home now.
No hard feelings, eh, buddy? -Nice.
-Nah, just lucky.
Gog! Spiral! Get this freak off of me! I want a rematch, mutant.
Pay-per-view, of course.
Fifty percent of all intergalactic merchandise and syndication revenue.
Have I earned that trust yet? You're close.
Go on.
You just got time for a quick goodbye.
-Thanks.
Jubilee, I -I know.
You have to go.
You have a rebellion to lead and people you care about.
I'll never forget you, Jubilee.
Thank you.
Come on, kid.
Let's head home.
WARLOCK: It is the Spire! The Phalanx will use it to summon the rest o fmy people! To add this planet to the Phalanx empire! It is Self's fault.
Self never should have come here.
Now Self-friends Beast, Forge, your world is doomed!