Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e06 Episode Script

1 (SOFT RHYTHMIC HUMMING) Light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board Slowest movers ever.
I know.
(CRASHING) Sorry.
I didn't break it, everything's okay.
It's just the robe, this one's a long one.
HOMEOWNER: Okay, you know what? Can I help you? If you could carry this that would be great.
I'll help out in the truck.
MEREDITH: Would you just grab one of those boxes? HOMEOWNER: Here, I'll just pass you the key.
Thank you.
I might burn myself though.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, ♪ Rolling in the party we'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds its just the sun ♪ Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪ Hey, nice belt.
You have any idea when this bus is coming? No.
What? I don't know.
You don't have to be a bitch about it.
- (EXCITING MUSIC) - And time! - Woo, what? - You did it! - You broke the record! - What's happening? (CLAPPING AND CHEERING) Congratulations! On behalf of the Guinness Book of World Records, I would like to acknowledge that, um, sorry what's your name? Uh, Tyler.
Of course it's Tyler.
Tyler, you are the fastest man in the world to verbally accost a woman right after flirting with her with an incredible time, under thirty seconds.
I'm here with the new world record holder.
Tyler, they're calling you "The Ass and the Furious".
What was your strategy here today? I don't know, ah, - I wasn't thinking.
- Incredible.
They say turn your weakness into a strength and that's exactly what you did.
I guess I, um, I guess I should say that my mom was a big part of this.
Oh no (CHUCKLES).
No, no, no, no, no, this was all you Tyler.
Own it.
Yeah, okay.
I did it! It was me.
(CHANTING) Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, yeah! (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (SIGHS) I still don't think he gets it.
Aw, let him have it, he'll never win anything else.
(SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC) LAWYER: On this, the occasion of your husband, father, grandfather's passing, Olsen Montgomery has entrusted me with sharing his last will and testament.
He must be worth a fortune.
One would think.
(LAWYER CLEARS THROAT) To you, his beloved wife, Deidre, Olsen leaves the fruits of his forty years as CEO of Offshore Oil.
His estate and all his holdings.
Sorry, all his All his holdings? (PAMELA CHUCKLES) PAMELA: That's a lot for, for Deidre.
(LAWYER CLEARS THROAT) To you, his beloved daughters Carol and Pamela, Olsen leaves 5 billion Litres of refined oil spilled in the North Atlantic Ocean and all the dead wildlife therein.
Oh what LAWYER: To his grandchildren, Piffany, Coil, he leaves 2 million hectares of destroyed Brazilian rainforest and all the carbon released as a result.
And finally, to his eldest son Timothy, he leaves a legacy of misguided patriarchal superiority and of course, a toxic masculinity.
Yes! What about grandpa's environmental fall out bunker in New Mexico? That's for Olsen's own cryogenically frozen body in case they discover a cure for his illness.
- Dammit! - Dammit! Well, sorry kids, - he really boned us all on this one.
- I think I did pretty well.
Yes, except for you Deidre, you did great.
Except for you Mommy.
- Deidre.
- Okay, Deidre.
Come on kids, let's get out of here.
Call an Uber, we're going to McDonalds.
- I really have to go.
- How long is it really? - I am not embarrassed.
- 35 minutes plus the drive? I own what I have to do.
I feel like I need to apologize to these - Hello.
- (GLASS CLINKING) Sorry, can I just get your attention for a second.
Sorry, it's just normally I know I don't do this but seeing as there's just one of these, there's just a bathroom in a very tiny space, I think you all should know that I'm going to go do a thing in there and it's not a number one, honey what's it going to be? It's going to be a number two.
MEREDITH: It's going to be a number two, okay.
And there's no point in me hiding it 'cause when that barn door opens and that smell hits you, you're all going to be giving me the weird looks anyways, so here it is, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really truly sorry.
And that's the end of the speech, that's all we're going to have to hear about it.
Actually, you know what, I am going to tell you one thing right now.
I have uploaded a ten minute video of game show bloopers, so if you hear anything, sweetheart, anything coming from this washroom, those are laughs, okay.
I'm not grunting the day away.
I'm not like (GRUNTS) watching Jeopardy.
You know what I'm doing? HUSBAND: You're laughing at bloopers from game shows.
MEREDITH: That's right.
Also, nobody, I mean nobody come to this door and start jiggling it when I'm making my music in there 'cause you know what's gonna happen, every time you jiggle on this door, you're going to have to wait another four minutes - Just gets longer.
- Because I can't go under pressure.
Speaking of waiting, baby you need to entertain yourself.
Get your earphones out, slap those in, listen to that podcast that you are always referencing.
- It's really good.
- In conclusion, what are you two doing? Why'd you sit right by the crapper, huh? I won't be able to focus in there taking a dump thinking of you two out here.
This is what we're going to do, we're going to move your table.
No, ma'am Let's move this.
- Pete.
-Here I go, I'll help you move the table.
Oh wow, that's-that's heavy.
- Sit back down, sit back down.
- It's too heavy? Okay I'll sit.
He's got a hemorrhoid, he pulls on this, his hemorrhoid's gonna pop right out next time I go down on him, remember when that happened last time? I skimmed it with my hand and then how long did we go to counselling for that? HUSBAND: Oh God, six months.
I'm so proud of you.
- I'm proud of you and I don't - Vulnerable artist.
I love you, not so much the hemorrhoid.
Thank you for your attention.
Enjoy your breakfast tacos, good night, good morning, here I go, don't look at me, don't look at me.
It was just a fart.
- Just a fart? - It was just a fart.
False alarm.
MANAGER: (IN SOOTHING VOICE) So any employees wishing to be bumped up to the fifteen dollars an hour pay grade must volunteer to work for sixty-five hours a week.
However, they will only be paid for forty of those hours.
Also, all medical benefits have been cut.
Oh my God! JENNIFER: I know, right.
That is so soothing.
Let's listen again.
No, no, what? What are you guys talking about? She's forcing us to work overtime with no actual pay increase.
She's taking away our benefits, this is terrible.
- Is it? - Yes! I mean, I don't know, I'm just so into like listening to her voice and stuff, it sounds so good that I don't really, um I don't really listen to what she says.
You're not listening to what she's saying? No, I'm just listening to the sound of her voice.
MEREDITH: You're listening to a sound of a voice? MEREDITH: Do you not see that she's screwing us? - (SCREAMS OUT) - (EERIE MUSIC) Hey guys, I'm so glad to find you all gathered here today.
We're implementing a new security system.
So I just wanted to bring it by in the box and maybe take it out of the box and show you what's involved.
So I've already cut the tape here.
So let's just open the box.
(GENTLE MAGICAL MUSIC) So as you can see, we have these packing peanuts.
- (GENTLE HYPNOTIC MUSIC) - (PACKING PEANUTS SCRAPING) MANAGER: And they really cushion the contents.
So what we're going to start with is the camera, so this camera is going to go on top of your workstation and it will record every word that you say and every keystroke that you type.
(GENTLE HYPNOTIC MUSIC) MANAGER: And this is actually capable of sensing your heartbeat, so we'll actually be able to tell what emotion you're experiencing.
And any employees having a less than optimal mood experience, what we're going to give you (MAGICAL MUSIC) - Is this bracelet.
- (WORDS ECHOING) MANAGER: (ECHOING) And you will receive a serotonin injection automatically.
Packing peanuts.
(ECHOING) And these will also take records of your DNA so that we can get a comprehensive picture of your DNA history.
(ECHOING) And packing peanuts.
And I've got a third one here for you, there we go we're just DNA history.
You're just gonna raise up your wrist.
- No.
- Raise it up.
That's right.
And again, we just want to go right here across the wrist here.
(SOFT HYPNOTIC MUSIC) MANAGER: Okay, so those are all attached.
Any questions? Yeah, yeah I do.
I actually have a few questions.
(SOFT MAGICAL MUSIC) It's good to be me.
- MANAGER: That's really great, guys.
- Thank you so much for your attention.
And I'll see you guys later.
- See you.
- Thank you.
(SIGHING) Wait a second, wait did we just Did we just sign away our privacy? Did that just happen? - Oh my gosh -Don't worry about it.
I recorded everything she said.
- MEREDITH: What? - We can listen to it right now.
MANAGER: So this camera is going to go on top of your workstation and it will record (GRUNTING) MANAGER: And every keystroke that you type.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh The Biggs Lowman equation, one of the greatest feats in mathematical reasoning.
An introvert goes to a crowded office party and spends 3.
14 hours making small talk with co-workers.
How long does she have to go home and spend on the couch with a bottle of wine before she can recalibrate emotionally? Anybody? Anyone? You with the glasses.
Um, four and a half hours? Really? Four and a half hours? Yeah.
Get out of my class.
What? Get the fuck out of my class.
Okay.
PROFESSOR: Nah, I, sit down.
I'm teaching here.
Anybody else? Yeah you with the, uh, with the glasses.
Maybe the party was fun and she only needed two hours by herself? (MIMICKING) Maybe the party was fun.
And she only needed two hours.
I'm sorry, was that your answer? Um, yeah.
Yeah that was your answer.
Get out of my class.
Pack up your iPhone and your-your Snapchat and get out of here.
Really? All right.
PROFESSOR: Get out of my class.
No, sit down.
Jesus.
Are you telling me there is no one here who can tell me how long the introvert has to stay at home on the couch I'm sorry, there are too many variables.
I mean, how loud was the party? How good were the snacks? Bullshit.
Get out of my class.
Do you mean that because the last two times you didn't.
I mean it.
Get out.
Okay.
Sit down.
I think I know the answer.
(COLLECTIVE GASPS) The janitor.
The introvert never went to the party in the first place.
(COLLECTIVE GASPS) She knows her limitations and she fakes a stomach ache and stays at home on her couch with her wine.
(PROFESSOR CHUCKLING) Well bravo.
(CLAPPING) That's the kind of work that's going to get ya the Field's Prize.
Sit down janitor, join the class.
Excellent work.
Bonus question.
A Scorpio tries to pick up an Aquarius at the bar, how long is that going to take? JANITOR: This is a trick question, uh, Scorpio's and Aquarius' should never date.
(LAUGHS) God you're good.
We've got to get you a scholarship to the university.
JANITOR: Oh wow.
Yeah.
I mean, I wouldn't know how to do that but someone should.
Terry where do I file terrifying pregnancies? MEREDITH: Right by I have to have a C-Section but I'm allergic to morphine.
BETH: Okay.
Um, oh look you're back from lunch, that's good and you got yourself an ice cream.
- Yeah.
- Good for you.
- Mhm.
- Good for you.
Well, you know, it's hot out so.
You know what, I do that when I'm a little bit sad, I go out and I get myself a treat, you know, so I know what you're going through.
Oh not sad, I just wanted an ice cream.
- Beth? - Yeah? MEREDITH: Look at Terry here, she's got an ice cream.
Oh, look at you.
Look at you.
Good for you.
Just eat that ice cream and I hope you get through that rough patch.
No rough patch at all.
Just wanted an ice cream.
Sure you did.
I'm just wondering if you could help me Oh you got yourself an ice cream.
- Mhm.
- Mhm.
(WHISPERING) You okay? Yes I'm fine, thank you.
I was just wondering where you had your books on baby toe infections? Not my baby toe but my baby's toes.
It's right this way.
Terry, you enjoy your ice cream, hun! I, I will.
- You don't be ashamed, okay? - Stay strong.
Hey Terry, just wanted to see how you're doing, just checking Uh oh.
I'm good.
I know you said you wanted extra hours but if you-you need a half day, just say the word, okay.
Oh my God, no, I don't need a half day.
I'm having an ice cream because I felt like having an ice cream.
I don't know why everyone won't let me just eat my cone in peae instead making a Goddamn big deal out of it.
Fuuuccckkk! Okay, this is a children's book store, sorry, point taken, but you're not allowed to eat food on the floor.
Fine.
MANAGER: Okay, okay.
Fine.
MEREDITH: There she goes.
There she is, she's What's going on with Terry? MEREDITH: Oh Terry, she's just sad so she's eating an ice cream.
- Oh she's mad - Oh my God, oh my God.
- That's a bad day.
- She's got the brain freeze.
Yep, she's eating her feelings.
That's going to come back up.
- You think? Oh no.
- Yeah.
Oh, ah Hey Mark, can I, um, can I steal your power? Yeah, sure, no problem.
Thanks.
- Ugh.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (MARK GROANING) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (SCREAMING) (INHUMAN GRUNTING) - Argh! - (BOOM) (IN LOW GRUFF VOICE) Damn that felt good.
(SIGHS) Right on.
- Take care, man.
- (ELECTRICITY SIZZLING) (SOFT ROMANTIC GUITAR MUSIC) MARIA: And here we go.
- Ah Maria, grazie.
- Mhm.
- Look.
- Let me see.
It is another masterpiece, bellisima! Yes yes yes yes yes.
Um, (CLEARS THROAT) what-what-what's this one now? This is justice, demanding modesty and prudence from all mankind.
Okay, that's neat.
Is that justice there is that who? Si, see how she holds the scale symbolizing Yeah.
Her duty to look at the both sides of a dispute? Maybe you could symbolize some clothes on her.
ARTIST: What? It's just-I was just thinking like, maybe as a challenge, take it or leave, you could paint some, oh I don't know, fabric.
Mm, but there is the fabric, the look she wear the blindfold.
Look, this very good Elisabetta.
I'm finished? Si, go make yourself ready for this afternoon's sitting.
Belissima.
MARIA: It's just that over the past year, you have painted how many paintings? One, two, three, four, seventy-five.
Seventy-five women and they are all naked.
- That is not true! - Well Sometimes it is a group of naked women.
- Imagine a painting.
- Yes.
- Yeah? Okay? - Mhm.
- It's of a woman.
- Naturally.
And she has got clothes on.
- Whoa.
- Mhm.
Whoa.
Like next to her? No, no, no.
On her body.
All over it.
Clothes all over her.
She draped over the shoulder but the rest Take that draped clothes, she puts that on, inside, it's like oh my God I'm in clothes, I can't believe it, I love it.
Ah, I know exactly what you mean.
Yes? You must pose for me.
Okay.
- You will be my model! - Yes! You will sit.
You will wear a beautiful dress that will go all the way down to the floor if you so wish.
MARIA: Okay! (WHISPERING) I feel like I should have known better.
Yeah you kind of should have seen it coming.
Yeah.
So are you just like a general wench or? Well actually I started as a general wench but now I'm mostly naked boobie model with a little bit of juicy fat ass.
Oh nice.
ELISABETTA: Yeah.
I really actually wanted to be a painter but, you know - It's not allowed.
- No.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Highly regenerative product.
Hey Lana, how's your weekend? Oh, you know, not bad.
One of Liam's school friends got lice, so we sent him over there to, uh, just, you know, get it over with.
Sorry what? LANA: Oh, you know, so he could catch it and get it over with 'cause, you know, it's way worse if you catch lice when you're an adult, so.
CAROLYN: Ah, I think you're confusing that with like chicken pox.
LANA: No.
It's chicken pox you want to get as a kid, not-not lice.
No no, I'm right.
Look at Linda, she's got adult lice and it's going really bad for her.
LINDA: Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ! They're so big! Oh God, I should have done this when I was a child, you're so right! Scalp health is so important and I didn't pay attention to it! Nobody will help me because look at me and they're so large, oh God, they're sucking the blood, oh (GASPING).
(LINDA GASPING) They are like just way bigger when they're adults.
CAROLYN: Oh, I didn't know this.
I'd help her but Don't want to.
Okay, now that I've picked out my dress.
- It is gorgeous.
- So gorgeous.
So beautiful.
Okay, well it's my little bridesmaids turn.
- Yay! - Maid of Honour.
I'm just different from them.
That's fine.
Okay, my little bridesmaids and my Maid of Honour.
- That's right.
- BRIDE: It's your turn.
It's convertible bridesmaid dresses.
- Yeessssss! - Oh.
You okay? Oooohhh! Oh my Gooood! Yessssss! I love it! Oh I'm so glad.
Okay, so the great thing about these is you can wear them twenty-five different ways so you can really express your own individual personalities.
MAID OF HONOUR: Okay, this is what's gonna happen.
I'm going to take your twenty-five and I'm gonna raise you.
Okay, it's not a competition.
It is, it isn't, but it could be, it might be.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
- You guys we've gotta hurry.
- Okay.
- How long do we have in here? - BRIDE: We have half an hour.
Make it three hours.
Come on, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy.
AURORA: Oh look, they're so versatile.
BRIDE: It's beautiful.
I really like the cap sleeves.
- Strapless.
- Yeah.
MAID OF HONOUR: Look at what I did here, is I put a lot in the sleeve so I can give the people what they want down below.
Thoughts? Maybe just lose the headband and then I think we can move on.
MAID OF HONOUR: Also, just a thought.
- I'm a marsupial now.
- Oh, okay.
There's a little baby crying in the wedding, pop it in here, mama gonna rock it, gonna rock it while you say your I do's.
I'll just be here, you'll be in love.
I'll be doing this.
49 to go.
Take a seat.
Happy wedding, happy wedding.
(LIVELY MUSIC) - BRIDE: Oh.
- Sex in the City one, Carrie Bradshaw, opening sequence.
(LIVELY MUSIC) MAID OF HONOUR: You know what, I'm more of a Miranda.
In a pant suit, guess what I can do? Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're getting married.
Why though? My wife.
Oh.
Plus, I'm a messy eater so it's like a two for one.
BRIDESMAID: We're having lobster too.
(IN UNISON) Whoa! She's elephant woman.
(IN UNISON) Alien! Alien! (DEFLATED OHS) You don't even need a band anymore, she could just do that.
Psssh! - Oooh.
- Yeah.
(IN LOW GRUFF VOICE) I am your Maid of Honour.
- Yeah.
I love the cape - Kuush, buush, buush.
We talked about the fighting and that.
Kuush, buush, buush.
Roundhouse.
I won't even need a place setting.
BRIDE: I'd just like to get out of here before the actual wedding.
- Yeah.
- AURORA: Oh you see the curtains, this is the issue that I was telling you about.
Okay, hold on! Trish, come on, they want to close the store.
Julia! I picked the band.
I sucked the caterer's dick.
I would appreciate a little bit of your time.
His balls smelt.
So this one is called a mullet dress without the mullet and just the tail.
(LIVELY COUNTRY MUSIC) AURORA: Yes! - MAID OF HONOUR: Happy wedding.
- Peekaboo! BRIDE: No.
It's like a carwash from hell.
You're all getting married and I'm a Maid of Honour.
Go back to the cape.
Just wait! This is it, I have an idea.
Hold on.
I'm up here guys.
(COLLECTIVE GASPING) BRIDE: Okay enough, that's the one Trish, that's the one.
This one? - BRIDE: Yeah! - Really? - BRIDE: Mhm.
- Okay! Ahhhh! (GASPING) Shit, Trisha are you okay? (SIREN WAILING) How many ways do you think I could wear this? - One.
- Well I'm going to take your one and I'm going to raise you twenty-five different ways.
Oh, no no no.
- MAID OF HONOUR: Ow! - Oh.
(LOUD GROANING) She's very creative.
- She's very creative.
- Very creative.
But just too creative.
(LOUD SIGHING)