Black-ish (2014) s05e06 Episode Script

1 DRE: My son.
My namesake.
My God, he bums me out.
Junior had decided to take a gap year for himself, and I had agreed to respect his choice.
[Sour guitar chords play.]
The problem was, he wasn't giving me much to respect.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Today's guest, Jack, has canceled.
That's it! I'm taking you to work! And get rid of that damn rabbit! Ready for my first day at Dad's office! Aah, look at you going to work! - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Finally ready to do something with that gap year.
Aw, come on.
Hey, I've done things, okay? My podcast has two subscribers.
Only one.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I-I unsubscribed.
All right.
Come on.
Let's go, son.
You can see a strong, black man handle his business.
I didn't realize you worked with Terry Crews.
[Junior and Rainbow laugh.]
That was good, sweetie! - I'm just messing with you, big guy.
- No, it wasn't.
- It was good.
- I'll be in the car.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- He's killing me, Bow.
- Hmm.
[Gasps.]
- Oh, no.
- What? Erica just quit.
Who? Black Nanny Two, Dre.
This couldn't come at a worse time.
I have four surgeries today.
How are we gonna find somebody? Hey, don't worry about it, baby.
I'll make some calls.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mama?! - RUBY: Yeah? - You want to be Devante's nanny? - Okay.
If my baby needs a nanny for his baby, I'll do it.
That's great.
That's great.
Come on, now.
I'm serious.
I'll nanny that baby.
- See? - Really, Ruby? - Mm-hmm.
- Huh.
- Are you bonded? - Uh, no.
Do you have your class C driver's license? Suspended.
CPR certificate? Well, she has been known to choke people.
What are your qualifications? Andre, did you die when you were a baby? - Not that I know of.
- Qualified.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on now.
I love that little man.
Yeah.
Come on, baby.
- [Chuckles.]
- How could you say no to that? Very easily.
No! What? But I am desperate, so yes, we can try it.
- That's fine.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- That's good.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna need three weeks off at Christmas.
Yeah? Hey, hey.
You know where I go.
[Indistinct conversation, laughter.]
STEVENS: What's wrong, Dre? Oh.
Did you accidentally wipe some Hot Cheetos dust on your fancy sweater? No.
You know, Junior's gonna be interning here a few days a week, and I'm trying to teach him some responsibility, but I'm worried he's a lost cause.
- Hmm.
- Well Hey, guys.
Thanks for the opportunity.
- Just interning? - Mm-hmm.
That's good to know.
I thought he was here to take my place as your wingman and confidant.
[Chuckles.]
Or to take my job.
[Whispering.]
Is that what you're here to do? [Louder.]
Is it? 'Cause if it is, you got to tell me.
You also got to tell me where you got that sweater because it's fire.
[Chuckles nervously.]
My My mom bought it for me.
Your mom's fire, too.
Well, young man, you have chosen a great time to be here because your dad just hit it out of the park with the Google campaign.
- Yes! Grr! - Ah, yeah.
You hear that? They put some respect on your dad's name.
And we're going to need another home run with our new client, Hometown Market.
They They're They're trying to take their comfort food from the suburbs to the urban space.
- So black people.
- Uh, or gentrifying whites.
Connor's right.
It's It's the blacks.
And, uh, some Hispanics.
You know, people who ride the bus.
[Sighs.]
Okay, guys.
We're getting off track, all right? Maybe we should look at this Hometown Market Menu.
Maybe that will give us some ideas.
These names are kind of bland.
"Tuna melt"? "Turkey pot pie"? Maybe we can give these dishes new urban names.
Ah.
Like Charlie.
[Chuckles.]
Charlie's an urban name.
Ooh, these Charlies look delicious.
Don't put no hot sauce on my Charlies.
Why don't we name them after something that black people like, like rappers? Okay, we like a lot more than just rappers.
Yeah, of course you do.
But how about this? The Run DM Seafood Tower.
Or Or the Kanye Western Omelet.
- Ooh, I got one.
- Nice.
The Notorious BLT.
[Laughter.]
Sorry, the the Cardi BLT.
Oh, oh, oh! I got a good slogan.
"Hometown Market: get in here, Boo.
" Why don't we just move on for now, okay? And, you know, I'll look at all these things on my own a little later.
That is why you are a star, Dre.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna go play some golf.
Oh, very good.
Very good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mommy's home just in time for snack.
What's it gonna be, huh? Avocado? I think he's still full.
He had a cupcake at the park.
You bought him a cupcake? No.
A handsome man enjoying cupcakes on a bench gave us one.
Ha, he gave 'em to all the children.
A stranger was handing out cupcakes at a park, and he gave one to my baby? You forgot "handsome.
" [Laughs.]
I don't take cupcakes from uggos.
I wasn't worried about his hotness.
Ruby? Hmm? You need to read Devante's bible - and get familiar with the rules.
- Mm-hmm.
First off, don't take things from strangers.
And other headlines no screens and no choking hazards like hot dogs and grapes.
- Or - Oh, come on, Rainbow.
Babies love grapes.
I used to tie a bag of grapes around Dre's neck so he could snack and play.
So he could choke hands-free.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
[Singsong voice.]
Let's go with Mommy.
[Grunts.]
[Normal voice.]
Read my bible.
I'll read your bible right away, Rainbow.
- Thank you.
- See you later, Devante.
See you later, reckless grandma.
Bye.
DIANE: What are you doing in my room? And give me one good reason not to snap your neck right now.
You know what? Don't.
I'm in the mood to snap necks.
I'm trying to crack the parental-control code on this TV so I can watch the horror movie "Unfriended.
" You can't crack that code.
You're not good at numbers.
Keep doubting me.
You'll see.
Come on.
Move.
0-0-0-8.
- [Beeps.]
- Dang it.
0-0-0-9.
- [Beeps.]
- Dang it.
0-0-0-10.
- [Beeps.]
- It It won't fit.
- How are we in the same grade? - [Beeps.]
Good first day, huh? Got to see your old man in action, handling business.
Yeah.
Do your co-workers always talk like that? - Hmm? - Their ideas were pretty offensive.
It's a creative business, son, you know.
People need to get their juices flowing, but I keep a check on their worst instincts to make sure none of that bad stuff - gets in the work.
- Hmm.
Seems like they said a bunch of racist things, and you just let it slide.
Hey! Hey, hey, son.
I don't let anything slide, all right? They know when I sigh, they better tighten up.
Oh, yeah.
I hear loud sighing is what ended slavery! And we all remember the sigh on Washington.
Okay, what the [bleep.]
? Huh? If you weren't so busy judging me, you would have noticed that I was the one steering the conversation in there to make sure that we had the best product that we could all be proud of.
All I know is, at home, you call out racism and tell us we need to always take a stand, but I guess it's different for a strong black man at work.
I'ma go wait in the car, Boo.
Actually, I'm gonna need the key fob.
How's my strong black mens? [Laughs.]
Why don't you ask him? [Refrigerator door opens.]
What's he talking about? Oh, I made a mistake.
- Oh? - He's not ready for the real world.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
Did Did he have tree nuts? He accused me of being a sellout, Bow.
- Oh.
- He crossed the line.
- Okay.
- I always take a stand.
I-I donate to Black Lives Matter.
I don't shop at H&M.
And I didn't go back to Chick-fil-A after a week like some people.
[Quietly.]
It's really good.
He spent one day in my office, and he thinks he knows everything.
Bow, I fight racism every day! - I know.
- When I first got to Stevens & Lido, it was like Boston in the '70s.
Now because of me, it's like Boston in the '90s.
[Normal voice.]
Sounds like he really got to you.
No.
Not at all.
- Okay.
- But I will tell you this.
- Hmm? - He's not coming back to my office.
As a matter of fact, I'm removing him from the family Christmas photo, so Yes, he, uh he did get to me.
Aww.
Look, Dre.
If you don't think he got the full picture, then why don't you have him go back to work so he can see the final result? - Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.
He only got to see me steering the car, not drive it across the finish line.
Yeah, there you go.
And I'ma take that checkered flag, - and I'm gonna shove it [bleep.]
.
- Okay, okay.
Do you want a grape? Grape? [Door opens.]
Aww, buddy.
You're never going to be able to crack that code.
Come on.
I'll put on "Nemo" for you.
- That'd be great.
- Mm-hmm.
If I hadn't cracked it.
Wait, what? How'd you figure out the code Dad used? Found a Post-it in his nightstand - with the code on it.
- Really?! And I watched "Unfriended" without parental guidance.
Ha! You mocked me, but now who's seen the scariest movie ever and will probably have nightmares? Okay.
So what's the code? Uh, nope.
Not happening.
But, Jack, this is a business opportunity.
- Really? - Yeah.
Tell me more.
E-Even if it takes all night.
Are you afraid to go to bed? That movie was so messed up.
- Hey, good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.
Was a hot start yesterday with Hometown Market, so let's just jump back in.
- How about N.
W.
A-1 Burger? - [Chuckling.]
Bullseye, Dad.
Okay, guys.
Uh, I think this rapper thing is kind of corny.
Ooh, okay.
All right.
Well, we do not want to come off as out of touch, so thank you, Dre.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay, so Josh and I were talking earlier in the kitchen about how a character or a spokesperson might appeal to the urban consumer.
Right, like Joe Camel.
Ooh.
Listening.
But it is a restaurant, - so, obviously, it has to be a woman.
- Right.
But not a regular woman.
A fun one.
But no nonsense.
Okay.
You mean a woman that's, uh, independent.
- Intelligent.
- Charismatic.
Exactly! - Okay.
- Sassy.
- It's a sassy black woman! - "Heeey!" You know.
Okay, guys.
Trust me.
We do not want a caricature of a black woman.
No, no, Dre.
Look.
What I mean is, like, the sassy Pine-Sol woman or, um, sassy Annie, huh? From the Popeyes chicken commercials? Okay, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
All right? Those are always the go-to.
Plus those images are already out there.
Come on, guys.
Can't Can't we find something fresher for Hometown Market? Look, Dre, these spokespeople are huge successes.
We need something like that, like a Mama Somebody or like a Sister Whatever.
Sister Auntie! Auntie.
I saw that once in a movie.
Auntie.
That is great.
I love it.
No! It's It's not great.
It's, uh It's irresponsible.
Do you think that's the only way that black people want to see themselves? Huh? Do you think that's who we are? Dre, people are gonna love her.
I don't love her! And I find it offensive.
All right, Dre.
All right.
I hear you.
Why don't we just take a few minutes? We'll regroup, and we will figure out a new course, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna call home real quick, and then I'll scrub in.
Devante? Devante? Hey, sweetie.
- [Devante coos.]
- Hi.
Wait.
Why Why do you have the phone? Where's Where's Grandma? Are you by yourself, sweetheart? Devante? What's happening? - [Phone falls.]
- Mo Oh, okay! Mom, can you oh, my God.
Okay.
Um, I'm coming! Mommy's coming! Mommy's coming! Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Ruby, where were you? I had to leave a surgery.
What Why is he in the baby cage, and why does he have a phone? Oh, I thought it would be okay since he had so much free time - Wha - to explore in the ball pit at IKEA.
Oh, my God.
In the ball pit?! They put numbers on the kids so you don't lose them, and I even fed him a Swedish meatball through the ball-pit net.
[Chuckles.]
He loved it.
Okay.
So you didn't follow any of my rules? Rainbow.
All those rules are the reasons you can't keep a nanny.
Now, they'd complain to me, and I defended you! But now I get it.
[Chuckles.]
Also, I never defended you.
Yeah, okay.
I I tried for like two whole, long days, but you cannot be Devante's nanny.
But I love watching him.
Yes, well, you should have thought of that before you gave him a meatball through a net.
[Inhales sharply, sighs.]
Yeah.
It's best we part ways.
[Exhales forcefully.]
Dad, that was amazing! - Mm-hmm.
- The looks on their faces.
You spoke truth to power! You know what, son? I'm glad you were there to witness it.
Yeah, my dad is Kaepernick.
Ah, well, you know, son, I just do what I can.
- Hey, Dre.
- [Chuckles.]
Oh.
Junior.
Ah, listen, we were chatting, and we actually like the direction we're headed, so I decided that we're gonna keep moving on the campaign without you, so take the rest of the day, and I'll see you tomorrow.
At least you don't have to do it.
That's good news, right? No, it's not.
They're icing me out, son.
I am Kaepernick.
I can't believe they iced me out.
It's just one account, Dad.
Yeah, that they don't want my opinion on, son.
You know, when when that happens on projects, you know, it snowballs to the next and the next and then I'll be doing radio ads for walk-in tubs, and they're not the classy ones.
The plastic ones that you add to existing tubs.
There's got to be something you can do.
I might have to quit my job, son.
No.
You know, son, when when you make a stand, there are consequences.
Sure, black people are proud when they see a photo of John Carlos and Tommie Smith raising their fists at the '68 Olympics, but that protest got them death threats.
Muhammad Ali he stood tall against Vietnam, and that got him arrested, and they took his titles.
I wanted you to take a stand, but I didn't think about the consequences.
This is all my fault.
Kinda.
I'm just joking, son.
Come on, now.
It's not your fault at all.
I have to always think about consequences.
If I take a stand, does that mean I have to pull you guys out of private school or lose our house? Damn.
Look, son.
What I'm saying is that when you protest, it's not something that comes easy, and I want you to appreciate that the way that I appreciate you helping me see that now is the time for me to do this.
So thank you, son.
I'm actually prouder of you now than I was 20 minutes ago.
[Hits desk.]
Now.
Before we get out of here, let's, uh let's put some shrimp in the vents.
RUBY: Hey.
I'll see you later.
I'm going to drink margaritas at the TGI Fridays with everyone else who got fired today.
Well, that sounds fun.
Bye.
B Hey, what you got on his head? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
We are re-enacting the Destiny's Child "Survivor" video.
Hey, Beyoncé! - I always thought of him as a Kelly.
- Aww, really? - Hey, Boo.
That's cute.
- No.
No, no, no.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, my goodness.
What happened? [Sighs.]
He He fell while I was watching him.
Did that floor try to take a bite - out of that baby? - It wasn't bad.
- [Stomps feet.]
Bad floor.
- Yeah.
- [Stomps feet.]
Bad floor.
- [Devante laughs.]
[Laughing.]
Yeah, I see that.
When he gets hurt, we pretend to get revenge, and that makes him laugh.
- Yeah, he's okay.
- [Devante laughs.]
You're so good with him, Ruby.
Yeah, well, Rainbow, I loved watching him.
While it lasted.
- I know I'm overprotective, Ruby.
- Yeah.
But I can't give 100% at my job if I'm busy worrying about who's taking care of Devante.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, he's gonna be all right.
- He's fine.
- Yeah.
Ruby.
Yeah? Do you want to be Devante's nanny again? Hmm.
Unbelievable.
I'd be honored.
- Come here.
- Thank you, Ruby.
- [Chuckles.]
- Thank you so much.
Aww.
Now I'm gonna need four weeks off at Christmas.
[Sighs.]
You know where I go.
[Hums.]
Ooh, Splenda.
All right, and I know you think I'm above this, but next, we gonna fill this backpack with staplers.
Come on.
Put it in there.
- Dre! Oh! - Put the rest in your pocket.
There you are, hey.
Listen.
Um, I was thinking, um, how would you like a much better parking spot or, um, access to our Laker box seats when the Warriors are in town or, um, a shiny new necklace? What did you do? Well, we we might have jumped the gun with Hometown Market.
We have a great pitch for you.
So imagine I'm an urban mother, and this is my child.
I'm hungry, yo.
Oh, should we get take-out? Should we get fast food? Or should we go to a competing, mid-range, casual restaurant? [As Auntie No No.]
No, no, baby.
Auntie No No gonna give you a plate from Hometown Market.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, child.
Well, that can't be good.
So, uh, we really need you back in the room, Dre.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, because I have some thoughts.
I can't be my best when I'm wasting my energy saving you guys from yourselves.
Okay? You're gonna need to step up and do better.
Oh, my God.
I thought you were gonna ask for more money.
Yeah, no, we can do better.
A-At least, we'll try.
How does that sound to you, son? Sounds like a start.
- Thank you, Dre.
- Uh-huh.
- Dre.
- Charlie? Where you been? They asked me what I thought about the Auntie No No campaign, so I've been hiding.
I can't get involved in this.
I cannot have Black Twitter after me again.
Don't worry, Charlie.
It's already been taken care of.
- My dad handled his business.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Imitates slap.]
- Hey.
Dre's got a friend, college boy.
Did you just make your own slap sound? - No.
- You definitely did.
No, that was that's what that's what my slaps sound like.
Thank you for joining us at Johnson Theaters, the premiere spot for R-rated films.
So, tonight, we are screening "It.
" - [Murmurs of approval.]
- My brother will now open the door to a world of shocking violence, inappropriate language, and adult themes.
- [Murmurs of approval.]
- Jack, the code? [Beep.]
- [Chuckles nervously.]
- [Beep.]
What's the hold-up? I threw away the Post-it, and now I can't remember the numbers.
Um - 0-0-0-1.
- [Beep.]
Dang it! Um I was promised shocking violence and boobs and/or butts! [Murmurs of agreement.]
I don't know what kind of man I am yet.
I want a refund.
- Yeah.
- Refund! [All chanting.]
Refund! Hey, guys.
No need to get upset.
[Chuckles.]
We can still be exposed to adult themes, right? Um, okay, so here's what happened on an episode of "Ballers" that, um, I saw by accident.
Shh-shh.
So, um, okay, the guys are at a rooftop bar, and it is going off.