Boston Legal s05e06 Episode Script

- Previously on Boston Legal.
- I'm in trouble now.
- Yes.
- What's with me? - I killed a man.
- I bludgeoned him with his own skillet.
They're only two get-out-of-jail-free cards in the game, and you've used them both up.
- You know what you are? - A hoot.
With a capital "H.
" That's what you are.
- My friend- - I am not your friend.
- You and me on a road trip.
- A dude ranch! - A dude ranch? - It's horses and sheep.
We'll have campfires and marshmallows and tents and sheep.
[Chorus Vocalizing.]
[Theme From Bonanza.]
All right.
Be honest.
- Have you ever ridden a horse before? - Of course I have.
Why? - You look a little stiff.
- Don't worry about me.
I've ridden plenty.
Just like riding a bike.
Never forget.
- When have you ridden a horse? - When I was a kid.
- Where? - At a party.
- A pony? - No! I don't know.
His name was Thunderclap.
He had a hat with holes cut out for his ears.
- All right, look.
We can't do this.
- Why not? - Because this is a serious dude ranch, dude.
- Well! We got a rodeo followed by a three-day ride and no Ritz-Carltons along the way.
What's your point? My point is, this is obviously the first time you've ever mounted a proper horse.
I know how to ride just fine.
Don't worry about me.
- [Whinnies.]
- Whoa.
Whoa.
Well, this is what I call a small world.
That's what this is.
- Look at you, Al, snuggling up to your horse.
- Oh, Jesus.
Like two peas in a pod.
Am I right, Denny? Whoo-whee! Ride 'em, cowboy.
To each his own.
That's what I say.
- Who is this guy? - Melvin Palmer.
I don't believe we've actually met.
Apleasure.
I am a big fan.
Al and I go way back.
That's what we do.
Hey! We need to be bunkies.
That's what we need to do.
Home on the range, where the deer, the antelope and the three of us play.
- This is gonna be a hoot.
- I want to go home.
- [Horse Whinnies.]
- Whoa! - [Funk.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Man.]
Uh-huh - All right - Boom.
Come on [Lips Pop.]
Come on All right Well, yeah Well, yeah Outlaw [Gate Closes.]
- I asked for Alan! - He's out of state.
You get me.
What did you do? Well, I was a victim of terrible malpractice, if you must know.
And I took issue with the doctor.
- You took issue with the doctor how? - I blew him up.
I didn't mean to.
I only meant to set fire to his office.
How would I know he'd run back inside? So basically, you committed murder.
Well, aren't you a defendant's dream? My God, Catherine.
Look, honey.
The doctor didn't die.
In fact, he was only barely hurt.
So I'm only charged with attempted murder.
I'm sure you'll do fine, but you won't be as good as Alan.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
- Why don't you tell me what went down? What exactly was his malpractice? Well, I have some kidney issues and I became anemic.
The doctor put me on a drug that caused me to have a small heart attack.
I'm fine now, but I could have died.
Then I come to find out this doctor is taking kickbacks from the maker of the drug.
That's when I decided to torch his office and inadvertently blew him up.
I've already been arraigned so you needn't bother with the trivial.
Let's just go to trial.
And I'd like a speedy one.
After all, I'm old.
As are you, dear.
She handled her own arraignment.
Evidently, she's gotten quite comfortable with the judicial process.
What'll be your defense? Revenge? Temporary insanity.
It's my only choice.
Plus, she is nuts.
Katie, I need you to do some checking for me on a doctor.
Also, I need a little background on a drug called axelogen.
- Okay.
- And then there's a- I'm terribly sorry.
My computer calendar is off.
It indicated Halloween was today.
I apologize.
I'm headed home to change.
It won't happen again.
[Giggling.]
Balls, balls, balls! I get one of those damn little smartphones 'cause supposedly they do everything.
Music, daily planner, e-mail, text.
I ask it to keep track of the damn date? That's too much.
You like my outfit? It's not Halloween.
And I would have to be seen by Shirley and Sack.
Balls, balls, balls! - If it's any consolation, I think you look lovely.
- It's not funny.
- [Clears Throat.]
Carl.
- Bo.
Jerry, you've made rather a point of saying that this is the year that you'll make partner.
There are many ways of getting that job done, Jerry.
Prancing around the office as Little Bo Peep is not one of the better ones.
Won't happen again.
This is a very grown-up place, Jerry.
Halloween is a kid's thing.
I actually arrived before the fire department.
Sir, what possessed you to enter the building? Well, the fire looked fairly small when I got there and I thought I could rescue my files.
And the woman who set this fire, she was your patient? - Yes.
- And what were you treating her for? She has some kidney disease for which she gets occasional dialysis treatments.
She was suffering from some anemia, so I put her on axelogen.
- [Prosecutor.]
That was for the anemia? - Yes.
At first, it worked quite well.
She then suffered the heart attack.
That was unfortunate, but it was also unforeseeable.
Sometimes there are side effects that you just can't anticipate especially with these new drugs.
- [Horse Whinnies.]
- Sweet.
- You my mount? - What did you just say? I'm at a dude ranch, dude.
Not like I can be choosy.
- Besides, all the sheep are spoken for.
I checked.
- Excuse me! - This is my wife here.
- Really? Okay.
You must want me.
- What's going on here? - This man is making a sexual advance on my wife.
She is nasty.
- Excuse me? - In a slutty sort of way.
- Oh, my God! - I paid a lot of money for this vacation! - I'm trying to show her a good time.
- Did you hear this? Did you hear what this disgusting person just said to my wife? - Go get your horse.
- Fine.
My God.
What a thing.
What a thing.
It's terrible to have a heart attack.
- Have you had one? - Not yet.
Oh! Something I wouldn't wish on anybody.
- Well- - [Clears Throat.]
Catherine, at the time, the drug was considered safe.
By who? The manufacturer and him.
- And he was on the take.
- Objection.
Sustained.
Do you realize doctors also get rebates? That's in addition to the little stipend under the table.
Objection.
Nothing is done under the table.
How do the rebates work, Catherine, if you know? Well, the doctor buys the drug directly from the pharmaceutical company.
They give a rebate based on the amount the doctor purchases.
Then the doctor sells it to the patient.
No discount to reflect the rebate.
And is reimbursed by either Medicare or private insurance.
So he's making a cash windfall every time he prescribes the drug.
- The fix is in.
- Objection! - Sustained.
- These doctors are bought and paid for.
- Strike that.
- And sometimes so are the judges.
Oh, not you, of course.
- [Man.]
Here they are.
- The other campers voted to send you both home.
- What? Why? - Why? Because he made an unwanted sexual advance on my wife.
Not in the spirit of things.
Now, many of us paid a lot of money for a wonderful escape.
- The trip of a lifetime.
- Irene didn't seem to mind.
- Did you hear what hejust said? - Sir- You- don't talk to me.
- What did I do? - He's just a hoot.
That's what he is.
He's a troublemaker, not in the spirit.
Look.
It's not that I wouldn't love to leave this flea-infested paradise.
- By the way, the brochure never said the ranch included him.
- Hooter.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! He fondled my buttocks! - What? - Now listen! I'm gonna give the two of you one last warning.
- You play by my rules, or I send you packing.
- No! I paid a lot of money for an experience of a lifetime here! [Man.]
Get 'em out of here.
- Denny, you promised this would be fun.
- I'm having fun.
This is a blast.
That's what this is.
Hoot.
- Carl.
- Katie.
So tell me, Carl, do you have Halloween plans? Oh, that's right.
It's a kid's thing.
Were you always how you are now, Carl? - How I am now? - You know, so proper and behaved and- And what? Go ahead.
Take your best shot.
- I'm a big boy.
- You're not actually.
I'd say you were a big grown-up.
It's a pity.
Oh, I wish you'd waited till I got back, Shirley.
Well, make sure you talk to the drug rep from the pharmaceutical company.
- You might even want to put him on the stand.
- Excuse me.
- No phone calls allowed.
- I have an emergency at the office.
We all have our offices.
We all have our little crises.
You see any of us on the phone? He's not in the spirit again.
Could you just go off and work with your dialect coach? - Did you hear that? What a thing! - Leave him alone, lan! - Are you taking his side? - You promised you wouldn't be getting upset.
Now her vacation's ruined.
I don't know why you put up with him.
- Nobody was talking to you! - You've done nothing but talk about me! Because you've done nothing but cause trouble.
- You're an extra.
You don't get to talk.
- Oh, my God! - Do you just say whatever- - You don't get to talk because- - [All Shouting.]
- Is that it for you, Mr.
Rudeness? - That's what you are.
- Hey! What kind of example is that, shooting a gun? - That's a terrible example to set! - Oh, my God! [All Shouting.]
- Hey! - Again! I've about had it with you, you understand? - Why does nobody like me? - I like you, bunkie.
You just stick close to me for the rest of the trip.
- My God.
That one's a homosexual.
- Lan! It was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime, and now we have a homosexual.
It's a "don't ask, don't tell"dude ranch.
Surely you knew that.
The one in the middle's a masher, you're rude, and he's gay.
- And all three are from Boston.
- Buddy, I'm gonna take you out behind this here- - [All Shouting.]
- I'm calling it like I see it.
Cowboys aren't gay.
I think she felt so violated after the heart attack, and angry that she went into a mild dissociative state.
- What does that mean? - It means basically that she snapped.
She was so blinded by rage and fear, she lost herself.
In my opinion, she was not capable of forming a mental intent.
- Are you getting paid for this testimony? - Objection.
- Overruled.
- Are you getting paid? I'm compensated for my services, yes.
- How much for today? - $10,000.
So she snapped, lit a fire, but now she's sane again.
Is that about it? I believe she's sane again, yes.
Got it.
[Country.]
[Whip Cracks.]
[Man.]
Well, I met her accidentally in Saint Paul, Minnesota And it tore me up every time I hear that drawl, Southern drawl Then I heard my dream went back downstream Cavorting in Davenport And I followed you, big river when you called Well, I taught the weeping willow how to cry, cry, cry Now I showed the clouds how to cover up a clear, blue sky And the tears I cried for that woman Are gonna flood you big river And I'm gonna sit right here till I die Michael, row your boat ashore Hallelujah Michael, row your boat ashore Hallelujah Sister, help to trim the sails Hallelujah Sister, help to trim the sails - I can't believe you got me into this.
- Me? It was your idea.
- My idea was to take a trip, not do this.
- Adjust your attitude.
- Hallelujah - Look.
- I think Irene likes me.
- Got a home on the other side Hallelujah Hey, all right! - Um- - Okay, lan, you got a request? Yes.
Um, could you please put the cigar out, please? You know, it causes cancer, and I'm here for a wonderful vacation escape, not cancer.
It keeps the bugs away.
If only it worked on pests.
- That's a put-down.
- Lan.
No, no.
Never mind, Irene.
That was a total put-down.
- Oh, come on, Mr.
Smart-mouth! - [Man.]
It was no put-down, man! - Everybody quiet! - [Animal Howling.]
Damn it.
This is supposed to be a joyful sing-along where we all bond.
I have a problem.
These aren't even cowboy songs.
I paid a lot of money for the experience of a lifetime too.
I expected to hear cowboy songs.
How 'bout "Surrey with the Fringe on Top"? Or "Sweet Betsy from Pike"? "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" is a religious song with a nautical theme for the kids.
Next we'll have Irene here singing in tongues.
- Excuse me! - I don't want my wife's name out of your dirty mouth! - Do you hear me? - Whoa! - Would you please? - Hey, I got a cowboy song.
Pass me that guitar, sport.
You know, I am a get-along kinda guy.
That's what I am.
And in the spirit of us all gettin'along here I'm gonna dedicate this little number to my buddies Alan and Denny.
[Guitar.]
As I walked out in the streets of Laredo As I walked out in Laredo one day I spied a young cowboy All dressed in white linen Wrapped in white linen As cold as the clay I see by your outfit That you are a cowboy - I see by your outfit - [People Chuckling.]
That you are one too We see by your outfits that you are both cowboys If we get some outfits We can be cowboys too [Laughing.]
- They're making fun of us.
- I heard it.
- That was a Smothers Brothers bit.
- I didn't like that song.
We went to a lot of trouble to getjust the right outfits, and we quite like them.
That song wasn't in the spirit, Melvin.
Well, good buddy, most hats don't come with on-off buttons.
Turn your hats on, Al, Denny.
Let the group see.
There's nothing wrong with a hat that can be used as a light source in case of emergency.
No doubt.
Turn 'em on.
Let us have a look.
[Woman.]
Yeah.
I want to see it.
[Laughing.]
- What? - They're just jealous.
Come on, Denny.
Let's go back to the tent.
Oh! [Harmonica.]
[Harmonica.]
["Oh, My Darling Clementine".]
[Animal Howling.]
Do you think there are mountain lions out there? - Or wolves? - Could be.
Denny, I really want to go home.
Can we please go home in the morning? - It's our first day.
- I don't care! I don't like pooping in the woods.
I may have wiped myself with poison oak.
And I don't like the group.
It reminds me of when I was little and kids were mean.
I was bullied as a child, you know? Alan, I gotta tell you something, and I don't want you to take it personally.
- Promise me you won't take it personally? - Okay.
What? - I have an erection.
- Oh, God! It has nothing to do with you personally, I swear.
I've had it all day ever since I took the Viagra thinking it was my hay fever pills.
And I think I got one of those priapism things.
- That can be dangerous.
- I know.
What if the group finds out? Alan, would you take a look? - Because- - Absolutely not! - Alan! - No! Well, what am I gonna do? Plus, I gotta pee.
Which is almost impossible when- - We are going home first thing in the morning.
- [Twigs Snapping.]
[Whispers.]
What was that? [Gasps.]
- Something's out there.
- Hello? Hello? - [Whispers.]
Go out and look.
- You go.
No.
You have to pee anyway.
[Crunching.]
There.
It's just a sheep.
- [Bleats.]
- Are they vicious, the wild ones? I don't think so.
I'm gonna go try and pee.
Hurry.
[Animal Calling.]
[Man.]
You see this guy - This guy's in love with you - Hi.
- Get back in this tent! - What? Don't even think of it.
Just get back here.
I think she loves me.
- Never mind.
- [Bleats.]
That's me in college.
And here- That's me in high school.
I was wild.
My parents thought I was a problem, all right? I was plenty wild.
- My goodness.
Who is this person? - So don't pity me.
- I was once very much a kid.
- I never meant to imply that you weren't.
I was simply pitying the fact that you no longer are.
They-They say we were happiest as children and those most happy in adulthood are the ones who never let die the child within.
There are plenty of proper lawyers who dress up on Halloween or who wear hula skirts in Hawaii.
Denny and Alan are off somewhere pretending to be cowboys.
But that sort of nonsense doesn't work for Carl Sack? That's not him.
Perhaps someone he used to be, but not anymore.
Most certainly not.
Don't take it personally, Carl.
How can I not, Shirley? It wasn't a professional criticism.
It was personal.
Actually, I wouldn't mind a professional critique once in a while.
But, well, personally, I consider myself a professional.
[Chuckles.]
Don't bite your lip.
I don't like it when you bite your lip.
- How 'bout I bite yours? - Oh, you're handling me now.
- Yes, I am.
- In the office.
- I know.
- I'm not a fuddy-duddy.
Yes, you are- a little one.
It doesn't matter.
I like fuddy-duddies.
Hey, should McCain get in, we'd actually have a fuddy-duddy in chief.
- Elmer Fuddy-duddy.
- [Chuckles.]
- Let's go to dinner.
- I can't.
I have to work on my closing.
Lord knows what I'm gonna say.
- She practically blew up her doctor.
- Sound a little dismissive.
Well, if you knew this crazy Catherine Piper- Did I ever tell you how my mother died? New blood thinner medication which, when combined with aspirin caused her to bleed out from an ulcer.
Turns out her doctor, who prescribed the medication was a paid consultant for the drug company.
You don't think doctors are on the take, do you? I think they prescribe drugs they think are safe.
But I mean, let's face it.
With the rising malpractice premiums, lower H.
M.
O.
Reimbursements many doctors can't even afford to practice these days without pharmaceutical consulting grants.
And with those grants comes a loss of objectivity.
Did this doctor at least tell this crazy Catherine Piper - that he was on the drug company's payroll? - No.
Hmm.
[Cell Phone Ringing.]
Hello? Denny.
Denny! - Where are you? - I'm trapped.
- You gotta come and help me.
- Trapped? Where? - What's going on? - In Hoberman's tent.
- I came to visit Irene.
- What? Shh.
I fell asleep after.
Now Irene's gone, and lan's passed out on top of me.
- I can't move.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
Get over here and help get me free before he wakes up.
- Where's Irene? - I don't know.
Just get over here.
Hurry.
Which tent are you- Never mind.
I think I know.
Oh, my.
- See if you can get his leg off.
- Where's Irene? - Would you forget about Irene? - [Grunts.]
[Groans, Smacks Lips.]
[Lan Snoring.]
- Hurry! - Don't rush me.
[Snorts, Snoring.]
His arm- Get his arm.
[Exhales.]
This won't be easy.
Ooh.
- [Screams.]
- [All Screaming.]
I still don't understand.
Where exactly was Irene? She went out to pee.
Then lan came in drunk, crashed- - Let's get outta here.
- Maybe we can get back in time for Halloween.
- We could go as cowboys.
- And where do you think you're going? We're getting the hell outta Dodge! What's with the rifle? You have to marry Irene, or the sheep, or the captain of the hockey team.
You think you're funny.
I paid a lot of money for the trip of a lifetime.
Well, you certainly got that, didn't you, lan? In addition to being head of this dude ranch, I'm a volunteer constable sheriff.
- Good for you.
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Arrest? - For what? Adultery is a crime in the state of Utah, as is fornication out of wedlock.
- Very funny.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- You must be joking.
- And you're under arrest too.
Me? For what? Conspiracy to commit adultery, aiding and abetting an adulterer and a fornicator.
Now you have the experience of a lifetime, don't you, Mr.
Boston? Mr.
Red Sox fan.
Mr.
Aider and Abettor from the evil Red Sox nation! - All right.
That does it.
- [Gasps.]
- [Irene.]
lan! - Oh, for God's sake, Denny.
It's a tranq gun.
He'll sleep it off.
Put down your weapon now.
[All Chattering.]
Whether the doctor made a mistake or not that doesn't give her the right to set fire to his office.
Oh, sure.
They put up a hired gun expert to claim that she was temporarily insane.
Dissociative state couldn't distinguish right from wrong, not capable of forming mental intent.
All the technical buzzwords to allow you to free a sweet old lady.
But you all know what happened.
She got mad and got even.
You know the death grip the pharmaceutical industry has on this country.
They've infiltrated the F.
D.
A.
A study showed that 90% of all F.
D.
A.
Advisory meetings had at least one person with ties to big pharmaceutical.
And then there's Congress.
Big Pharma gave members of Congress $ 70 million since 1990.
So who does that leave us with but our doctors? And even they're being bought.
Between consulting fees and rebates doctors get hundreds of millions of dollars every year.
And my God, look what's happening.
Drugs are being prescribed like candy.
A famed Harvard psychiatrist- He helped fuel the recent boom in antipsychotics for kids.
Turns out he personally took over $1.
6 million from drugmakers over the past seven years.
Um, he also failed to report this income to the university, by the way.
How can this be? We have no regulations, no disclosure procedures in place.
Nothing to ensure that we, the patients can know whether our doctor is on the take.
How can this be? Catherine Piper had a heart attack.
She almost died.
An unsafe drug was rushed to the market.
It was prescribed by her own physician perhaps because he had a financial incentive to do so.
She nearly died.
When you go back to that room I want you to try to imagine what it's like to suffer a heart attack to be lying on your kitchen floor with no one around, thinking this is it.
It may not even be possible to imagine that.
But then she found out that the person she perhaps trusted the most did this to her.
It made her crazy.
Wouldn't it you? - Jerry? - Katie.
You have a paper bag over your head.
I do.
Could you tell me why? I was looking to crawl under a big rock.
There were none available.
The reason you wanted to crawl under a big rock? I passed three partners today who called me Bo.
A fourth referred to me as the Peepster.
Evidently I was seen dressed for Halloween prematurely.
- And this is tragic.
- It is if one wants to make partner.
[Lips Popping.]
And if those same partners were to catch a glance of you with a paper bag on your head? - Damage is done.
- Jerry, take the bag off.
You'll likely breathe in your own carbon dioxide.
It's not healthy.
Take it off.
Do you know what happens to lawyers who make partner, Jerry? They become locked in, lifers.
I'm not sure that's something you want.
Plus, there's rumors concerning the firm's financial health.
We represent a lot of mortgage lenders.
Partners don't just get the fruits.
They get all the liabilities.
It's just for seven years, I've chased this particular carrot.
Didn't get it.
Now I'm up again.
- If I blow it- - This is that important? Yes.
Well, if my opinion counts for anything, l- I thought you made a perfectly fab Lady Peep.
What's wrong? They were arrested.
- Who? - Denny and Alan.
For what? Seems Denny committed adultery, which evidently can be prosecuted in- I don't know what Alan did.
They're being arraigned in the morning.
- Can't they go to a stupid dude ranch without get- - [Chuckling.]
Boy, you just find everything funny these days.
I'm- I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened there.
Yes, you do.
Denny did something crazy.
Last week he bet on a case.
The week before that, he had his penis hooked up to a monitor.
It was cock-a-doodle-dooing in a courtroom.
It's just one thing after another.
And I'm not being Elmer Fuddy, Shirley.
The man is losing his mind.
We all know it.
We laugh it off.
We say, "Isn't the mad cow cute?" At what point does it stop being funny? At what point do we all admit the man needs help? [Woman.]
Case number 4212.
State of Utah versus Denny Crane on the charge of adultery, conspiracy to commit- Alan Shore for the defendant, Your Honor.
We waive reading and plead not guilty and ask for immediate extradition to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts or any jurisdiction where the criminal justice code isn't written in the good book.
- Hold on.
Wait a second.
- He's a defendant too, Judge.
Yes, I am, Your Honor.
Mr.
Crane would be your adulterer and fornicator.
I would be your aider and abettor.
I'm not quite sure how Irene escaped charges since adulterating and fornicating is traditionally done in tandem.
- [Gavel Raps.]
- Mr.
Shore, defendants do not speak in my courtroom.
Ah.
So that little right to confront one's accuser? How's that done? On the Web? If you cannot afford counsel, one- I can.
I'm rich.
Actually, Denny and I flew here private.
We can afford the best attorneys, and sometimes judges, that money can buy.
I'll represent myself.
And let mejust toss out as an icebreaker- Utah is not the state that wants to prosecute adultery.
While it may technically be a crime, so is polygamy, which you don't prosecute.
I'm sure I'll get letters for saying so.
But you don't.
- [Gavel Raps.]
- I seem to be getting a lot of gavel whacks.
Is it just me? Your own attorney general went on record as saying you lack resources to go after all the polygamists.
Let's face it.
You've got a lot of them.
Not a judgment.
Personally, I'm a fan.
So is Denny.
He's had six wives.
Is it six? Or seven? The former head of NOW in Utah- I love that the National Organization of Women actually has a chapter in Utah.
Anyway, she said the anti-polygamy law has become as irrelevant as the spitting on the sidewalk ordinance.
Now, I know how we all love to spit in Utah.
You look like a loogie hacker from way back.
Send those letters.
I even find polygamy funny, just a little.
These loser guys with all these women.
The hairdos.
Unfortunately, in many cases, there's child abuse involved.
Whack away.
But if you're going to ignore child abusers and come after me for aiding and abetting adultery, all I can say is take your shot.
Please.
I beg you.
Take your shot.
Mr.
Shore, are you threatening the good state of Utah? You're a quick study.
I can see why they made you judge.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm ready to take on the state, Mr.
Constable with the rifle there and you and everyone you're married to.
- Let the fun begin.
- Oh, it will be fun.
But first, I don't let people represent themselves in my courtroom.
So, the first thing we're going to do is get you an independent lawyer.
Judge? I'll represent the hoot brothers.
Oh, no.
I'm not gonna be defended by him or any other clown.
I was there, Judge.
I could be a witness, in fact.
Your call.
But either way, I could tell you a few things about Mr.
Shore and Mr.
Crane.
- Shall we go to chambers? - Let's go.
Wait a second.
If you're gonna have an ex parte meeting, we have a right to be present.
Fine.
But you keep your mouth absolutely shut.
One word, and you're out.
- What the hell are you doing? - Just do as the judge says, Al.
For once in your life, let me do the talkin'.
- First of all, I don't know- - First of all, you don't talk.
Not a peep.
Or you go tojail.
Let's hear it.
Judge, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't like this man.
The old guy I kind of enjoy.
He's just an old fart who should be retired to stud.
But him- I tell you what.
I'm from Texas.
And in Texas, if somebody messes with a man's wife, you shoot him.
Hell, he steps on your property, you shoot him.
Let me tell you somethin'.
This guy, he wants to stand trial here.
That's why he was baiting you like that.
He gets his jollies out of playing David against Goliath.
That's what he does.
But the thing is, he wields one hell of a slingshot.
He took on the entire Supreme Court, insulted every one of'em and he won his case to boot.
This man can make some serious noise in a courtroom.
And let's face it, none of us wants to see a big flap here, do we? Prosecuting for adultery? [Clicks Tongue.]
Nobody does that.
Not even Texas.
You certainly don't want to be doing that here.
Not with the polygamy thing going on.
Polygamy is illegal in Utah and not practiced by the majority.
But it goes on, Judge.
It goes on.
And like he said, often with underage girls.
Now, Utah's a fine state.
Fresh air, fine people, Orrin Hatch.
You got it all.
But this polygamy thing- He's dying to get his day in your court.
Don't make his day, Judge.
Don't give this son of a bitch what he wants.
Boot his girlie ass out of here.
Otherwise, you'll be spoon-feeding him the soapbox of a lifetime.
Look at the way he's drooling already.
So's the old guy.
But that's the mad cow.
- I'm dismissing the charges.
- Too bad, Al.
And I'm banning the both of you from Utah for life! What? I got rezzies at Deer Valley.
I'm already booked! You'll be booked in here if you don't shut your mouth! Get out ofhere, both of you! I never want to see you again! They weren't out very long.
Do you think they considered me sane? If only they could know you like I do.
I don't think I could handle prison, Shirley.
I hear the fights in the yard can get pretty rough.
Stiff upper lip, Catherine.
Will the defendant please rise? Madam Foreperson, has the jury reached a unanimous verdict? We have, Your Honor.
In the matter of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Catherine Piper on the charge of attempted murder and arson we find the defendant, Catherine Piper not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.
Ladies and gentlemen of thejury, thank you for your service.
- You are dismissed.
This court is adjourned.
- [Gavel Raps.]
- Thank God they bought it.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess prison's gonna have to wait.
Well, until your next crime.
Oh, thank you, Shirley.
You've been almost like a big sister to me.
L- I'm touched.
Melvin Palmer, of all people, to get us off.
I now have to feel indebted to him.
- Can you imagine? - He's a good guy.
- Good guy? How can you possib- - I like him.
[Alan.]
Oh, my.
Okay.
Let's hear it.
You are so sexy.
- So are you.
- Thank you, Denny.
- We're off to a party.
- Really? I thought maybe Carl was taking you to his favorite club.
- Very funny.
- I'm not kidding, Carl.
After a few days on a dude ranch, you actually look good to me.
Don't you agree, Denny? - You see this guy - Denny? Denny! - Denny! Denny! - Hey! What the hell? What is wrong with you? Good God.
Are you all right? - I think he bit me.
- What? - Will you ever change? - [Grunts.]
I feel a little gypped.
That whole trip was just unsatisfying.
- How so? - I don't know.
Maybe it was the stark contrast between that magnificent scenery and those awful ranching people.
Well, at least you and I got to spend some time together.
Oh, please.
You only had eyes for barnyard animals.
Denny, you think I was too rough on Utah, playing the polygamy card? It was cheap, but, hey, they came after us first.
We have to take another trip.
This one didn't count.
They were wrong about our outfits.
- We were hot.
- We're always hot.
Irene loved me.
Could you tell? - Lan didn't.
- No.
The best sex to be had is with the Irenes of the world.
- Do you know that? - I didn't, actually.
Oh, yeah.
See, the thing is women who look like that make love like it's the last sex they'll ever have 'cause it very well could be.
- What? - Nothing.
Just absorbing your latest pearl.
You know, you look at the lans and the Melvin Palmers.
Most men are so starved for male friendship.
- We're blessed, Denny.
- Of course we are.
I'll bet we're the only ones who shared the same sleeping bag.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - I'm sorry about the erection.
- I'm over it.
We really are the best couple I know.
Mm-hmm.
And we only get better.
We do.
We do.
[Woman.]
You stinker!