Broad City (2014) s05e06 Episode Script

1 [SNORES LOUDLY.]
[HORN HONK IN DISTANCE.]
[WHEEZES.]
Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
H Were you Were you watching me sleep? No, I was watching you try to breathe.
I think you have a a badly deviated septum.
But it's a damn cute deviated septum.
Aw, thank you.
I got you something.
Okay.
What is it? Open it.
Wow.
Ah, it's a it's a little yellow hat.
Try it on.
Oh, I-I'd love to try it on.
Ah.
I love this.
Really? Yes.
Perfect.
[STAMMERS.]
I mean, do you think it fits? Definitely.
Does it feel loose? I don't know what it is.
Well, you can always put a bobby pin in to keep it in place, like they do with the, um Yarmulkes? Yes.
Wait.
Why do you know that word? I'm I'm Jewish.
[SNORTS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
No.
I'm I'm 100% Jewish.
Well, you are funny.
[LAUGHS.]
Well [LAUGHS WEAKLY.]
Four and three and two and one one [CHIMING.]
ILANA: Mommy! My Genes&Me results came! Okay, I am [GASPS.]
100% Ashkenazi Jew.
Yeah, no shit.
Ever seen a mirror? Wow.
Okay.
We have history of anxiety.
BOTH: Check.
Poor eyesight.
- Check.
- IBS.
Yeah, well Tay-Sachs disease.
- Cystic fibrosis.
Fragile X syndrome.
- Uh-huh.
Holy shit.
Let me tell you something, honey.
I could've told you all of that without your selling your medical history to the government.
What What do you mean? Google owns your DNA, you naive little bitch! [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Well, I'm gonna write all about this for my grad school personal essay.
"Endophenotypes: The Genetic Inheritance - "of Mental Disorders.
" - Yikes! Okay, what else does this have to teach me abo [GASP SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!! - Abbi.
- What? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I just found out that I have the richest history a millennial Jew can have.
I'm related to a Holocaust survivor Yah! ["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYS.]
Hey! Dude, this is incredible.
There's so few left.
There's, like, none.
I know, and I'm 16th cousins - with one who lives in Manhattan! - Whoa.
- We have to go right the fuck now.
- Okay.
Dope, because I know that I can learn so much about my history or whatever, but also about our shared mental illness.
Shwing! Maybe I should get my DNA tested.
I could be related to a Holocaust survivor, too.
Who, a guard? Come on, Ilana.
I don't mean a full-on Nazi.
I mean like a Polish soldier who looked the other way.
I am Jewish.
Yeah, emphasis on the "ish.
" Come on.
Let's go.
So what are we doing, the Q or the F? Fuck! What da hat? Oh, this? Lesley got it for me.
She saw it and thought of me.
It's cute, right? I'm just giving it a go.
We'll see.
Brave.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Yeah, so she was just, like, out and saw it in a store and and thought of me.
And we think she likes you, right? Yeah.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I mean I think she really likes me.
I'm I I really like her, too.
So, you're a hat girl now? I mean I mean, maybe.
Is that, um a problem? I'm just I'm surprised.
You know, you've you've never expressed any interest in hats.
I watch your eyes when we walk, when we talk.
You've never even looked at a hat.
Well, I mean, I guess I never really considered them.
Right.
But Lesley bought it for me, - so I'm I'm gonna give it a try.
- One last thing Do you think you're gonna be a hat person for the rest of your life? I don't know.
Are we talking about hats? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
We're talking about hats.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We are here to visit my very dear, sweet, and close 16th cousin Saul Borowitz.
Oh, fantastic.
He'll be so happy to have visitors.
Can I have your licenses? And you'll get your licenses back when you leave.
Great.
You can take him to the commissary, or any of the communal areas on the third floor.
- Thank you.
- He's in Room 11B.
- Thank you.
- Thanks so much.
- Do not leave the third floor.
- [SOFTLY.]
Okay.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Dope.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Maybe he's hard of hearing.
[POUNDS ON DOOR.]
Should we just try to go in? Let me try something first.
[HANDLE RATTLES.]
[GASPS.]
Looks like I'm the magician even though you're the one wearing that hat.
Okay, I think the door was just unlocked.
[JEWISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS.]
ILANA: Saul? Saul Borowitz? I'm your 16th cousin Ilana Wexler.
[BOTH GASP.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No! No, no, no, no.
No.
Oh, God.
I knew I shouldn't have stopped at Sephora before I came here! I'm gonna cover his face up.
This is too weird.
- Gotcha! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, my God.
Works every time.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, you must be one of those Genes&Me kids.
I can see the resemblance.
Look.
That's me as a horny teenager.
See the hair? I guess.
[CHORTLES.]
Have a seat.
- Wow.
- Great fun, huh? Yes.
Wild.
Wild.
Very scary.
So, like I said, I'm Ilana.
And this is my, um Oh, God.
She's my everything.
But, you know what, I'll just boil it down to soulmate.
Let's Let's just leave it at soulmate.
I'm Abbi.
Nice to meet you both.
So, Saul, I'm applying to graduate school, and I'm writing my personal essay about inherited trauma.
Ah.
For example, I experience anxiety diarrhea - three to eight times daily.
- Ay, yi, yi, yi.
Now, do you think that somatic expression tracks back to your horrific experience somehow, for sure? No.
I'm gonna write "possible connection.
" Okay.
So, tell me everything.
I want to hear about mental illness history, stories from the old country, Nazi shit, anything.
Tell you what.
I'll tell you everything the whole family, relatives, everything if you'll take me out of here for a little while.
I've been cooped up here so long, and you know what? The food here is horse shit.
Well, the woman downstairs said we could take you wherever you want on this floor.
Ah, come on.
It's so strict down there.
I-I'm sorry, Saul.
We can't.
I mean, we're just following orders.
Well, I've heard that one before.
Oooooooh! Okay, okay.
We're getting you out of here right now! [CHUCKLES.]
Wow! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Yes! Yes.
Oh, uh this guy had an accident.
Shit was everywhere.
We gotta get rid of the rug.
Yep.
We're doing it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Getting him out! - [GROANING.]
- Oh, man.
Okay.
I got I can't do this anymore.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Ready? - Alright.
Okay.
- Shit! Shit! - God Saul! Saul! Are you okay?! Great work, girls.
[SIGHS.]
Ah.
Smell that New York air.
It's like garbage.
I love it! - Oh, come on.
- [ALL GROAN.]
So let's get you some real food and get into some real family history.
For example, I want to know were your parents mentally ill, like mine? Listen Before we get to that Could you guys take me to a shoemaker? - Of course, Saul.
- Good.
We'll do you one better.
Ooh! That looks so nice.
- [CELLPHONE SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [CHUCKLING.]
Good.
Okay, Saul, now that I've got you in pleasure, interview question number one what does post-traumatic stress disorder mean to you? Look, they have high tops.
I'll be right back.
He is too cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
You hear him [GASPS.]
- [CELLPHONE SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- What? I'm just sending a selfie to Leslie.
Cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
I just, um I forgot about, uh you know, uh SAUL: Girls! I found it a dope-ass pair.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love these shoes.
- I love them, too.
- They look amazing on you.
- You hungry? Where do you want to eat? - What about Red Hook? Red Hook is kind of hard to get to, right? - Well, we can always take the - Shut up, Saul! Hello What, dude? - [LAUGHS.]
- [GASPS.]
Alan motherfucking Cumming.
Oh, my God.
Who is that? - BOTH: Alan Cumming! - Saul! Alan Cumming the magical, pansexual, New York City party boi-nymph - in the beautiful flesh! - I have chills.
Okay, should we follow him? I mean, I think we have to.
What? I'm starving! Okay, it is not about you right now, honey.
Saul, we're talking about Alan Cumming from from "Romy and Michelle," from "The Anniversary Party," from "The Good Wife," from "Spice World" fame, Saul.
I mean, Alan Cumming created his own perfume line called "Cumming.
" [LAUGHS.]
Is that LOL genie or what? I'm wearing it right now.
Saul, I swear to Adonai, whatever Alan Cumming has in store for today, - you will be titillated by it.
- Yes.
He represents the real New York, okay? The The pre-9/11, pre- "Sex in the City," Basquiat, Keith Haring New York.
The only Haring I'm interested in is pickled herring.
And as soon as we can get to that, I am fine.
You got yourself a deal.
Got yourself a deal.
- We'll make it happen.
- All right! Come on, Saul.
We gotta catch up with him.
Hurry it up.
- Alright.
- Alright.
We're gonna catch up.
Giddy-up, Saul! Come on! We got it, Saul.
- Shit, shit! - Here we go.
- We're losing him.
- Okay.
Alright.
We got [GASPS.]
Drag brunch! Drag brunch! - We must! We must! - We must? We must! We must! - [GROANS.]
- Okay.
- Come on, brother! - Here we go.
You're our guest You're our guest Jiggly Caliente is the best Tuck your dick between your legs And shake those unfeasibly large breasts A generous pour, contours and curves All the drinks that you deserve We are dressed in all couture Just ask our queen, Sasha Velour Undo your belt, loosen your pants Tip your waitress, she's freelance Our mimosa pours will always past the test Come on and bring your nephew Apply your blush and then you'll pass the test Touch my chest You're our guest [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes! Can I take your order, baby? Yes.
Can I get a coffee with a side of you? - Wooo! - Oh! Sau-ul.
Looks like I got a fresh one, mm-hmm? - I love this place.
- Thank you.
And I love money, so make sure y'all tip, okay? - Yes.
- I'll be back, doll.
Okay.
Love it.
[SIGHING.]
Oof! That was good.
Oh, my God, Ilana.
He's at the bar.
- We have to go pay our respects.
- Okay.
- Let's vape and loosen up a little bit.
- Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, Saul, this is a marijuana pen.
Ooh, sorry.
You probably don't want that.
Why shouldn't I get high? [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS LIGHTLY.]
- Yeah, go for it.
- Get ripped, 'cuz.
[COUGHS.]
You can't get off unless you cough! - That's for damn sure.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
BOTH: Conga time! Ooh, come on, girls.
Oh, my gosh, Abbi, his friend just left him, leaving him all alone at the bar.
Oh, my God.
It's now or never, dude.
Come on.
[CONGA MUSIC PLAYS.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
It's a bare with a hint of lavender.
Mm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
BOTH: Hi.
Um, Mr.
Cumming, um we just want to say how big of fans we are.
- Um - Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you so much for bringing us here today.
For bringing you? We followed you for, like, 13 blocks.
Cool.
- It's really cool.
- It is cool.
I think it's kind of cool.
So you're a couple? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
We're just best friends forever.
Oh, it's just the hat.
No, we actually just brought Ilana's 16th cousin, uh, 'cause he's a Holocaust survivor.
Oh, really? That's incredible.
- My cousin.
- We really need to cherish our elders and hear their stories.
You want to meet him? - Sure.
- Yeah, he's here.
You've got to meet my 16th cousin, Alan Cumming.
- He's great.
- He's right over there.
Where is he? - Abbi, look! - [GASPS.]
No! BOTH: Saul! No! [CONGO MUSIC CONTINUES.]
- ILANA: Saul! - ABBI: Saul! BOTH: Saul! Saul! Oh, my God.
- He's gone for fucking ever! - Okay, okay.
Dude, we'll just see where the bus stops next.
Okay.
Um Uh uh - I can't read a fucking bus map.
- No, me either.
Okay.
We cannot be losing Holocaust survivors! Not now that the world is gaining Nazis somehow! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Where would a Holocaust survivor go? Um Okay, okay.
Think, think, think.
Um, pickled herring.
Um BOTH: [GASPS.]
Zabar's! Yes! Shit! My hat, dude! - Leave the hat! - No! It's not that simple! [JEWISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS.]
To the mayo-based salads.
Saul? Saul Borowitz? Oh, excuse me, excuse me.
Have you seen an elderly gentleman, like yay high? He's also very high as in stoned.
Oh, he's also wearing brightly colored - LeBron high tops.
- Yes.
I don't think so.
Sorry.
Shit.
Okay.
Maybe we check down here Wait, Ilana.
Okay.
Um, I'm never up here, and and the babka is insane.
We got to get some while we're here.
I will get some whitefish salad.
Hey, can I get a pound of whitefish salad please? And we'll take that to go.
We're kind of in a hurry.
Thank you.
Okay, dude.
Where else would a Holocaust survivor go? [SIGHS.]
[JEWISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
Wow, we really got lost in there.
Well, you can't rush through.
No, no.
The resilience of the Jewish people - is just astounding.
- Yeah.
We got to keep educating ourselves, you know.
Truly never forget.
Never forget.
- Shit! - BOTH: Saul! Oh, my God.
Idiots! Saul?! Saul?! Okay, where else might an old Jew go? [GASPS.]
A sale.
Genius.
Jew magnet! Yes! Just can't pass up a sale like that.
No, I mean, you find the best stuff - when you're not looking.
- That's right.
I mean, we weren't trying to shop.
- We had to.
- We had to.
You don't find great clothes.
Great clothes find you.
- Exactly.
- Damn it! Saul! Oh, my God.
What is wrong with us? I don't know.
I think we smoked too much weed.
We got to go back to the assisted living facility.
It's getting late, it's getting dark.
Yeah, you're right.
Also we need our licenses.
- Ugh.
Good point.
- Geez.
Hi Doris.
There's no delicate way to put this, but, um we lost Saul, and we can't find him, and we looked all over, all the fuck over, and we can't find him, and we're really, really, really sorry.
[BURPS.]
Ooh.
No disrespect.
- He's at Ikea.
- What? How do you How do you know that? When he breaks out, he always goes to IKEA.
That's what he does.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's Well - That's hilarious.
- Okay.
Didn't I tell you not to leave the third floor with him? - [QUIETLY.]
You did mention that.
- I didn't really hear it.
I feel like that was more directed to my friend, to be honest.
Okay.
Um, so you guys got it from here or And And And And we could just take We'll just take our licenses back real quick, and then we'll just be like, "Great meeting ya".
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
Go get him.
Okay, um Do you think that we can leave our bags Now.
- We'll take them.
- Yeah.
See you later.
ILANA: Saul? - Saul?! - Oh, my God, Abbi.
He's here.
Oh, my gosh, Saul, we've been looking everywhere for you! - [SIGHS.]
- God! [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
You know, y-you come in for one thing, and and Like your cousin, the Holocaust survivor.
[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY.]
Before you take me back, how about some Swedish meatballs? Mm.
I mean, you know I'm in.
You can leave the hat in the cart.
[LAUGHS QUIETLY.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- These are so good.
- Told ya.
So what's up with the IKEA fetish, Saul? Well when I escaped from the camp, I wound up in Sweden, and those people, the the Swedish people, they were so good to me.
And their furniture was so elegant.
So this is like, um, retail [CHUCKLING.]
therapy.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Makes sense.
Well, we had a great day with you.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
We learned so much from you, Saul.
And And also, the, um Holocaust Memorial Museum of New York.
We just stopped by.
You know my motto Never forget.
Also - don't remind me.
- Yeah.
And you look a great deal like my father.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Really? It's all about It's all about the eyes The moustache.
[TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Let me talk to you for one one quick sec.
Okay.
So, um I, um I feel like I gave, um, this this guy, like, a good go of it today.
And I-I just don't think that it's really me.
O-Okay.
I mean, I-I-I really appreciate the gesture.
Like, it was so nice that you would think of me - It's totally fine.
- But, like, it's just not my Abbi Abbi, listen.
I thought it looked cute on you.
But you're much cuter without it.
[SIGHING.]
Oh.
Sweet relief.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, my God.
I feel so much better.
ILANA: "It's not about the hideous hat.
" It's about the head that wears it.
I couldn't help but wonder, I used to think being Jewish meant IBS, Tay-Sachs, "inherited trauma, and childhood contact lenses.
" Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
"But now I know being Jewish is about being resilient," having the strength to survive the Holocaust in perpetual exile, as well as being able to carry a stag table to the parking lot of an IKEA "at 91 years old.
" [SIGHS.]
"And I hope you have the strength" to accept this little Jew into your Psychology Gradate program.
"Shalom.
" [SIGHING.]
Yeah, I'm getting in.
Oh, my God.
Cute as hell.
Are you performers? No.
Why? The hat.
Oh, this? No, this is a style choice.
Usually, I'm pro-choice, but I would abort this if I could.
The hat I'd burn it.