Cuckoo (2012) s05e06 Episode Script

1 Thanks for coming so quickly.
I just wanted to have a bit of a talk about the campaign.
I've been looking over the books, and we've got a bit of a funding crisis.
What? How much have we got left? Erm, none.
I mean, I've been doing my best to get donations from local grandees, but, you know, you have to take them out for nice dinners.
I mean, I've had some amazing culinary experiences.
- Right.
- But it's very expensive.
You know, and it's utterly inescapable.
(PHONE BUZZES) Oh, hi! Lorna.
Wow.
Lorna, no way.
No way.
Marcus Costello! Ken, this is Marcus.
We went out briefly in college.
Yeah, we did.
Lorna was always the one that got away.
Oh, was she? Well She's still away.
So, how are you? What have you been up to? Well, you probably already know this, but I got involved in health foods.
- No.
- No.
Well, I did.
Yeah, I started a chain of vegan stores.
- Great Green Grains.
- Nope.
- No.
- Not heard of them.
Well, I sold that, for loads by the way, and now I invest in charities and good causes.
You might have seen me on telly.
No.
- Really? - No, not once.
- No, never.
No.
- No.
Anyway, that's the story.
Very rich, on telly.
- Oh.
- What's yours? Yeah, erm This is my other half Ken, and Is he rich and on telly? Just kidding.
OK, I'm just going to interrupt there to invite Marcus to dinner at yours on Wednesday.
- Sorry, what's this? - Great, love to.
Lorna, it'd be great to catch up.
Lorna.
What did you just do? It's your campaign.
Marcus has got loads of money, you've got no money because somebody ate all the money in the nice dinners.
Yes.
That was you! Anyway I think it would be amazing for you to cook a lovely supper for your wife's rich ex-boyfriend, it'd be exciting.
- (PHONE BUZZES) - Oh, hi! At least I'll get a nice meal out of it, I suppose.
I'll do that lamb kofta.
He's a vegan! Oh, for fuck's sake.
The things I do for campaign funding.
Making tofu cacciatore! I don't know how people do it.
Nope, no delicious steak for me, please, I would prefer wet, taste-free Chinese blancmange.
I can't believe we have to have Marcus Costello round.
Gazing at me like I'm the Brummie Mona Lisa.
Oh, where are you going? A brunch date.
Local businessman, barely scrapes 10 million.
But my visa's up at the end of the month, and I have to be realistic.
Ivy? Ready to roll? - Oh, hi, Steve.
- Hey.
- Nice outfit.
- It's cool, isn't it? Ivy chose it for me.
Very retro, very hipster.
Hey, Steve, when you go for a drive in your new outfit, does my sister by chance just sit in the back and not speak to you? Yeah.
Good guessing, Ken.
Very, very good guessing.
Isn't he the most perfect, chivalrous English gentleman? M'lady.
Well, wish me luck everyone.
I will be married by the end of the - (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, he cancelled.
No! - What a shame.
- Real shame.
Well, I'm sure he'll rearrange.
Oh, come on, Miss Tigglytops, it's a beautiful day.
Let's go outside and get some sunshine.
Oi, oi, oi! Where are you going? I've got some ice lollies in your freezer.
In MY freezer? Why aren't they in your freezer? Mine got busted about a month ago.
I mistook it for an armed invader whilst drunk.
Did quite a lot of damage.
I'm in the friend zone, Ken.
I'm just hanging there.
What's wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with you, Steve.
You're one of Jim Henson's most realistic creations.
With her by my side, there is nothing I couldn't achieve.
Right.
I'm going to have my lunch in the garden.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it! It's Tash.
I did it.
I just left Ben.
I said it's over.
Well, you'd better come in then.
- Oh, geez, what a relief.
- It must be.
How was Ben, was he OK? I've never seen him like that.
He kicked over a Subbuteo table.
Whoa.
Oh, God, Tash, I feel so guilty.
- But it's for the best.
- Totally.
Yeah.
I got out of his house and I was just feeling so brave, you know.
So I got on the phone and I told my parents.
Wow! Sorry, what? You did what? There's no point in living in fear, Rach.
It's you and me now.
So, when are you coming out? Coming out? Sorry, Tash, it's just I'm never sure I ever felt really in.
Sexuality's, like, it's a fluid thing, isn't it? It's, like Anyway, weren't we just going to keep it to ourselves for a while, you know, just for Ben's sake? Mm.
I thought, like, a week.
Right.
Yeah, no, I was thinking more like I don't know, three years.
(CAR APPROACHING) Shit, that's Ben's car.
Hide.
We should just tell him now.
No! It can wait.
Get under the duvet.
Hide? Hey.
You Give me that! - Tigglytops! - Hey! You give me that! Give me that! Great, that's gone.
Poor baby! Ken, you monster.
What have you done? What have I done?! Oh, dear Lord.
Did she eat any of this? - What? - Ken, how could you? It's got gluten! You monster! Is the vet really necessary? Gosh, honey, I'm so sorry.
We'll be at the vet very soon.
Yes.
I know.
My brother is a horrible person.
Just say your mantras and stay balanced.
Have a little tinkle on the upholstery if it feels good, - he won't mind.
- I'll mind.
I'll mind.
BEN: I just never saw it coming.
One minute we were watching Aston Villa's 100 Greatest Goals, and the next she's saying our relationship is uninspiring.
Oh! I mean, explain that.
So out of the blue.
Literally, for all of us.
No-one could have known.
I just haven't felt this bad since you cheated on me with Dale.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Thank you for paying for the vet.
So what is the point of free health care that's only for humans? Yeah.
My pleasure, though.
Well, apparently the vet's going to have to put a camera up her backside.
Oh, no.
I know.
And he asked me if it was OK if he gave her local anaesthetic.
So I asked him, would she feel any pain? - Yeah.
- And he was like, "Some.
" And, Ken, I just don't want her to feel any pain.
I know, I know.
So, I say to him, "Put her to sleep.
" And he's all like, "She doesn't need to be put to sleep.
" And I'm, "My dog is in pain, put her to sleep!" And he was like, "What if you change your mind?" And I was like, "Why would I change my mind?" OK, I'm sorry, Ivy, did you tell the vet to put Miss Tigglytops to sleep? Yes! Otherwise she is going to witness a probe going up her butthole! I mean, how inhumane is that?! Yeah, yeah, yeah, but were those the words you used, "put her to sleep"? Yes, and I had to say it many times.
Miss Tigglytops was a dog.
And some might say not human.
But if you prick a dog, does she not bleed? If you forget to feed her, does she not starve? And all these things that make us human, emotions, friendship, love of vigorous exercise, biscuits, Miss Tigglytops had all these and more.
So I say to the naysayers loud and clear, not human? She was the best man among us.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling Ken, what am I doing? My husband's abandoned me, I'm living in this backwater far from civilisation without any money and now, I have killed my best friend.
Yeah, that is quite depressing when you put it like that.
Miss Tigglytops was all I had left.
Oh, I know, she could be hypercritical, pompous, stuck in her ideas.
I mean, I never really saw that side of her.
You're being kind.
She was the only one to ever show me any real affection, my only family.
Hey! Now, we're your family, too.
OK, so you hold some deranged views, like, mad.
But we're here for you.
That's so kind.
But it doesn't really make any difference, does it? Who am I kidding with this visa situation? I'm never going to find an Englishman to marry me.
Well, you say that.
I mean, there is someone who might be persuaded.
Oh, God.
There has got to be a better way.
Are you still up? Yeah.
Mum, how long do you think you need to wait before you move on? Oh, Rach.
God knows, love.
I had my heart broken back at uni.
Told myself I was over it and that's how I ended up with tomorrow's dinner guest, Marcus Twatface Costello.
- Oh, God.
That didn't end well, then.
- No.
No, I woke up one morning and I just thought, "Whoa! "This guy is not my type.
" Too smooth.
I like my men craggy.
Mm, I can see that.
Looking back, I think I just went for something completely different.
Like if I ran in the opposite direction, I wouldn't get hurt.
- Stupid, of course.
- Yeah.
Stupid.
Yeah.
So stupid.
Really super stupid.
Well, quite stupid.
It's just proper stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Right, yeah.
Thanks for that.
Stupid.
Steve! You have to stop coming round in the middle of the night, what are you doing in the freezer? Lorna! Mine's still out of action, so Night-night, Lorna, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.
Night, Steve.
She was so young! And the tragedy is, if this had happened two months ago, she could have been preserved! How do you mean preserved? By the Mittelfart Foundation.
We had cryogenic facilities to store her until scientists cure dog death.
And now there is no hope of us ever being reunited in another century.
This is what it's come to, Rach.
Cooking my arse off for some rich vegan who's got the hots for your mum.
Yeah.
Oh! Mum, is that what you're wearing? Oldest, tattiest thing I could find.
I don't want Marcus getting any ideas.
Look, all we need to do is just be pleasant for an evening and then right at the end, ask the twat for money.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, that'll be Tash.
Hi.
- All right, Tash? - Hello, Tash.
Ben not with you tonight? Oh, I split up with Ben.
Oh, really? Oh, poor Ben, what happened? All right, Mum! Bloody hell, don't give her the third degree, it's pretty raw.
Come on, matey, let's go to my room, look at Facebook.
Matey? You should just tell them! Tash, didn't we talk about this, about keeping it on the down-low? Yeah, I was thinking that you're wrong.
Let's just do it, like, I love Rachel Thompson! Shush! Sorry You love me? Well, obviously we love each other! Oh, so many things ahead, like living together, maybe in Berlin.
Kids You know, I'd be happy to adopt a refugee baby with you.
OK, stop.
Tash Tash, sorry, this is all just going really fast! I mean, it's just ideas.
Tash, two weeks ago, we were just friends! It just feels like a really big leap! Rach, there is nothing to be scared about.
Look, all I'm saying is I don't know what I want.
I'm only just getting over Dale.
Can we not just go back to, you know, being friends? And then maybe in a couple of months So you don't love me.
You're just playing around.
Not deliberately.
(IVY HUMS) Deep breath in.
And remember to balance your chakras, Miss Tiggly tops.
Ivy, no words.
I need you to come with me.
What? Now! - Where are we going? - You'll see.
Lorna.
- Marcus.
- So good to see you.
- Flowers - Oh! Wine - Right.
- And a sugar-free cake.
It has a taste completely different to real cake.
Well, that sounds delicious! I just think it's important we should stay in shape for ourselves and our loved ones.
Couldn't agree more.
Shall I take it? - Shall I take the wine? - Yes.
So, you remembered.
- Remembered what? - The cardie.
You wore it on our first date together.
It was special for me, too.
Can I use the little boys' room? Yeah, yeah.
Just Ken, is your campaign really worth this? It's like you're pimping me out! Calm down.
I'm going to sit him next to Tash during the meal! They can have sanctimony pie together.
It's going to be fine.
I promise you, it's not going to be at all awkward.
That was a great starter, Ken.
That Hollandaise was delicious.
Let me Turmeric, cayenne cashew butter.
Spot on! Oh, you're good.
Isn't he good? Oh, yeah, really good, yeah.
You see, people say to me, they say vegan food means less tasty.
But actually your taste buds become more sensitive.
This wine, for example, it's piss.
But it's probably OK for you.
Yeah.
No, it is.
For me.
Well main course? Are you vegan, Rachel? Yeah, sort of vegan.
You know, I try, some days.
That's interesting, Rachel.
So you're sort of pretend vegan, then.
Hanging out with vegans and then flaking out.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, that's a really good way of putting it, Tash.
Here we are! Oh, that smells delicious, Dad! No, no, no.
With my nonna's cacciatore, we always try the sauce with the bread first.
Like this.
Fingers crossed.
That is - Wow.
- Ah! Now I see what you see in him, Lorna! I didn't at first.
I've never tasted cacciatore like it.
Not a single living, screaming being involved.
Bravo.
(KNOCKING) - Who's that? - Let me in! Sorry.
- Ben, what are you doing here? - Fulfilling my destiny, Ken.
Where is she? Where is the most amazing girl in the world? Ben Tash, I am not letting you get away.
You say you don't want me, but I am not losing you.
I'm sorry, I'm snotty but Ben, this is not very dignified.
Tash, I may not be the most fashionable man or the best looking man, but I am an extremely dependable lawyer.
And I've had a few pints and suddenly, it came to me.
I had to come here, I had to, I had to Oh, God, Ben, no.
Tash, please, marry me! Please! Please! Please! Yes.
Yes! I'll marry you, Ben.
Really? You're not playing around.
This is awesome! Are you serious? Let's get out of here, eh? Couldn't have put it better myself! Goodbye, Ken, goodbye, Lorna! - Bye, Ben! - I'm getting bloody married! (SOBBING) I'm so sorry.
It's just he fought for her.
Oh He didn't just let her go like me.
I never deserved you, Lorna.
Ken, I have been a prick.
- No, no.
- Whatever you want for your campaign, I'll write you a cheque.
Really? Really?! - Yes.
- That's great! That's unexpected, that's So Turned out all right! Ah, Mr Chance.
And you must be Miss Mittelfart.
- Come in, please.
- Thank you.
Just wait here.
Steve, what's going on? It's cold in here.
I couldn't bear to see you upset about Miss Tigglytops.
So I phoned up these cryogenic guys and I got myself a deal! - Oh, you - I cryogenically froze your dog, yes! But I could only afford the head, so I kept her in Ken's freezer overnight and brought her here this afternoon.
Oh, Steve, that is so touching.
I just wanted you to know how much I care.
- I'm here for you, Ivy.
- You are, aren't you? My hairy little knight.
- Steve - Yes.
Would you consider marrying me? - Yes! - Oh, strictly for visa considerations.
I'm not attracted to you in the least.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Well, it doesn't matter, I've got years to turn that around.
- But you won't.
- But I might.
- Not going to happen.
- However you want it.
Mr Chance, there seems to be a slight problem.
Are you sure this is what you wanted us to freeze? What is that? I'm no expert but it looks like tofu cacciatore.
Let's celebrate, why not? Shall we? Get it open, Ken, I can hardly wait! What a night! - Oh! - Argh! LORNA: Anyone for more vino? (SHE SHRIEKS) What is it? God, I tasted it! What is this? Some kind of carnivore joke? No, it's Who makes fun of a vegan by serving him the head of a dog? I think Lorna, you've changed.
You would never have done this.
Oh, erm, the cheque, though, cos Oh, Ken.
Ah!