Dad's Army (1968) s05e06 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? I want you to read these notes in a loud, clear voice.
-Do you understand, Wilson? -Yes, I understand, sir.
In a loud, clear voice.
Haven't you finished sorting those slides out yet? Yes, sir.
I shan't be a tick, sir.
I must say I'm very excited about this.
We've never had a lecture like this before, sir.
Och, it's a perfect disgrace.
Stuck in here like this on a perfectly beautiful summer's evening.
With the blackouts up.
We've got to have them up, Mr Frazer.
I mean, we can't see the pictures.
Aye, son, but it's positively unhealthy.
You can cut the air in here with a knife.
Look at him.
The silly old fool is in a deep coma.
Don't wake him up, Taffy, he's tired out.
He's been up all day.
Come on.
# Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting? -What on earth's happening out there? -It sounds like Frazer's voice.
Yes, I thought that, too.
Oh, why, why, why? Quiet! Frazer, be quiet.
We'll come out when we're ready and not before.
-Are the blackouts up? -Oh, yes, they're up, sir, yes.
Here, this isn't ours.
This is a lot of Zulus dancing up and down.
That belongs to the vicar.
-It's his lecture, Light into Darkest Africa.
-Shall we go in? Right, settle down everyone.
Pike, put out the lights.
-Wilson, light the candles.
-Right, sir.
Now, the subject of my lecture this evening is Know Your Enemy.
And we are going to show you some pictures of Germans in uniform.
Right.
-Wilson.
Wilson, you're not in church.
-Pardon me.
Are you ready to show the slides, Corporal? Yes, sir.
I'll be ready in a minute, sir.
Just keep back, will you? Are you ready to read the notes? Quite ready, sir.
-First slide, please.
-Yes, sir.
Have you got your clicker, sir? My what? It's like a little frog, metal frog and you go click, click, click and I know when to put the slides through, sir.
-No, I haven't got a clicker.
-Haven't you? Oh.
Well, get the vicar's clicker.
-You're not having the vicar's clicker.
-Why not? He won't let us have the vicar's.
Would you mind saying ''click'', sir? -Certainly not.
Get on with it.
Put the first slide in.
-Right.
Very good, sir.
Right.
Click.
WILSON: Privates, infantry rifleman, front.
Field grey uniform.
National colours on the right side of steel helmets.
Here.
There are one or two things to look at here.
I want you to take particular notice of the eyes.
You see the eyes? Mean, shifty, set too close together.
Typically Nazi.
-Right.
Next slide.
-Click.
Just a minute, just a minute.
I'm the one that's supposed to say ''click'', sir, not him.
Don't you say ''click''.
-Get the next slide.
-Good, sir.
Click.
Privates, infantry rifleman, rear.
German eagle on left side of helmet.
There.
Now the thing to look for here is this red, nasty bull neck with the flesh bulging out over the top.
That's also typically Nazi.
Watch out for that.
Right.
Next slide.
-Click.
-Click.
Oh, shut up.
Click.
Panzer grenadier, light machine gunner.
Yes, the thing I want you to look at here are the ears.
Notice there are no lobes for the ears.
It's a well-known criminal trait.
Mr Mainwaring, aren't there any nice-looking Germans? No.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring, sir, what's that thing hanging down? -What thing hanging down? -Well, that thing there.
-You mean this thing here? -Yeah, that thing there.
What is that thing hanging down there? I don't know, sir, it doesn't say.
Excuse me, sir.
I think it's probably a starting handle to a panzy tank.
Yes.
Very possible.
Next one.
Yes, sir.
Right, sir.
All right, click! Cavalry, private, first class.
That's smart.
Let's not have any of that sort of talk, Pike.
There's nothing smart about that at all.
That's ersatz rubbish.
That uniform would probably fall to pieces in a matter of weeks.
All for show and not for blow.
Not like the British uniforms, strong, sturdy, last forever.
Made by British craftsmen.
-Carry on, Sergeant.
-Right, sir.
Cavalrymen serving in reconnaissance unit.
-Sir? Sir? Sir? -What is it? Would you mind asking the sergeant to speak up? I cannae hear a word he's saying.
He's mumbling.
He's mumbling.
-Can't any of you hear? -ALL: No.
No.
Sorry, Uncle.
-Look here, Wilson.
-Yes, sir.
How do you expect me to keep the men's attention while you're talking in that boring way? You've got a very monotonous voice, you know.
-Try and lift it up and down a bit.
-All right, sir.
I'll do my best.
Cavalrymenserving in reconnaissance units of infantry divisions (VARYING PITCH) belong to the infantry arm.
Infantry of an armoured division are designated.
Yes.
All right, that will do.
That's enough.
Is that going up and down enough? I want you to notice the dozy expression on this man's face.
Quite different, you see, from the British, keen, alert.
Godfrey.
Godfrey.
-Come on.
-Hey, come on, be keen and alert.
I'm sorry, sir.
I must have dropped off.
It's rather stuffy in here.
Yes, it is.
I'm afraid you'll have to put up with it.
You're on active service now, you know, Godfrey.
It's quite on the cards that the first Germans we shall encounter will be parachutists.
I'm going to show you one or two pictures of them.
Can we have the first parachutist, Corporal, please? Yes, right, sir.
Keep back.
Right, sir.
Click! (LAUGHING) It's upside down! You've done it.
I knew you'd put one in upside down.
It's not upside down, it's just.
Of course it's upside down.
Excuse me, sir.
I think Jonesy's right.
Perhaps his parachute didn't open and he landed on his head! Don't be absurd, Walker.
Put it the other way around.
Right, sir.
Right, sir.
Parachutist, second lieutenant.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
Why has he got such titchy legs? They're not titchy legs, that's his uniform.
It's cut low.
The crotch is cut low.
I wouldn't call that low.
Stuffing, sir.
What did you say, Frazer? Protection.
Padding for protection.
That's right, sir.
In case he lands on iron railings.
Joe's right, sir.
They don't like landing on iron railings.
-They don't like it up 'em.
-All right.
All right.
Yes, you may have a point there, Walker.
Sir, all the iron railings have been taken away for scrap.
The Germans don't know that, do they? -Where's his gun? -Perhaps he left it in the plane when he jumped.
Walker, one more word out of you and I shall ask you to leave this lecture.
Evening, Napoleon.
-What do you want? -I want to have a word with the verger.
I'm sorry, I can't stop now, Mr Hodges.
I'm standing by to see there's no incorrect use of the vicar's apparatus.
What are you all doing crouching in here with the blackouts up? -If you must know, I'm giving a lecture.
-A lecture? You're looking at funny photos.
-Funny photos? -Yeah.
Pin-ups.
Girls with no phwoar! How dare you? -Leave this hall at once.
-I'm not going till I've seen the verger.
Well, sit down until I've finished the lecture.
And listen, you might learn something.
-HODGES: Right.
Carry on.
-German Navy.
Just a moment.
Just a minute.
I'll give the orders here.
-I beg your pardon.
-Be quiet.
-Shall I go now, sir? -Yes.
Carry on.
Thank you very much.
German Navy, admiral of the line.
The number of rings worn denote the rank.
Let's have the slide, Corporal.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
I've just got into a bit of a muddle here.
Stand back.
Stand back.
I'll sort this out.
Right, sir.
Right, ready, sir.
Ready.
-Read it out again, Wilson.
-All right, sir.
German Navy, admiral of the line.
The number of rings worn denotes the rank.
JONES: Click.
(CHEERING) Put me In my lIttle wooden bed -Shut the doors.
-Yes, sir.
I didn't say anything to you out there because I didn't want to show you up in front of the men.
I'm awfully sorry, sir, but I don't understand what you're talking about.
I'm talking about that absurd eyeglass you're wearing.
It's ridiculous.
You look like an advertisement for Sharps toffee.
I wear this monocle because I have a weakness in my right eye.
It's been bothering me for some weeks now.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the oculist and he recommended it.
Weakness in your right eye my foot.
Why can't you wear glasses like anybody else? Anyway, they're not for sergeants, they're for officers only.
Well, show me in KIng's RegulatIons where it says that a sergeant is not allowed to wear a monocle.
I don't have to show you.
Whoever heard of a sergeant wearing a monocle? If it comes to that, whoever heard of an officer wearing arch supports? Now, leave my feet out of this.
Don't go on about my eyes and I won't go on about your feet.
Look here, I.
-Let's not be childish about this.
-Quite, sir.
Have you considered the hazards of wearing a monocle on active services? Yes, I have.
Suppose you were wearing a gas mask, for instance, and you dropped it.
Wouldn't be able to put it in again, would you? It'd be rattling about inside the gas mask.
No sergeant of mine is going to have a monocle rattling about inside his gas mask.
Besides, you might block up the air intake.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Yes, come in.
-What is it, Frazer? -Sir.
Captain Mainwaring, sir, I'll come straight to the point.
During the period of our being together you've wasted far too many hours of our precious time and tonight's lecture was the last straw.
-Now, look here, Frazer.
-Let me finish.
I've made some careful notes of it all and if you'll just hold on a wee, I'll give you one or two items that might interest you.
On November 6, 1 940, you wasted three hours giving us a lecture on why the Germans don't play cricket.
On January 28, 1 941 , you gave us a lecture telling us how Hitler, when he's in a rage, bites the carpet.
-Well-known fact that he does.
-Maybe.
But you then proceeded to waste two hours working out a plan on how to send him a poisoned hearth rug.
According to my notes, it comes to a total of 4 38 hours wasted on useless blather.
Well, that's how I feel, and I had to come in and tell you so to your face.
No offence intended, you understand.
That's all.
I've never heard anything like that in my life.
That's rank insubordination.
I must admit it was rather strong.
Strong? I'm just about sick and tired of Frazer's grumbling.
He's been a thorn in my side ever since this unit was formed.
Everyday there's something to grouse about.
Wait a minute, grumbling, grumbling.
I beg your pardon, sir? I've just remembered something I read in the Home Guard Manual about this.
Oh, yes? What's that? Ah, here we are.
Man management.
''There is a sure cure for this form of unnecessary grousing ''but a bad CO or NCO may be afraid to try it.
''It is simply the temporary exchange of rank.
''Let the grumbler have a free hand to run the section or platoon ''and learn for himself that it is not so easy.
'' -I'm not afraid to try it.
-Right, sir.
I'll get them together and throw out the challenge.
-Right, sir.
-We'll soon stop Frazer's grumbling.
And in conclusion, I feel that I must say that of late I get the impression that there is, in the ranks, a certain dissatisfaction with my method of command.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
I'd just like to make a statement, sir.
I see it this way.
An officer is an officer, a sergeant is a sergeant, a lance corporal is a lance corporal, and a private is a private.
-Yes? -That's all there is, sir.
-What's that got to with it? -Hasn't got anything to do with it but I just thought I ought to say it, sir.
I don't feel that it is fair that the many should be blamed for the errors of the few.
Hear, hear.
I'm glad you made that interruption, Frazer, because it underlines the point I'm wishing to make.
-You are the chief culprit.
-Me? Yes, you.
Whenever there is any grumbling or grousing or discontent, you are found to be at the bottom of it.
I have only one thing to say to you, Frazer, or to anybody else for that matter.
If any of you think that you can run this platoon better than I can, you're very welcome to try it for a couple of days, starting from now.
-That will take the wind out of his sail.
-Yes.
-Has anybody anything to say? -Yes, I have.
-Yes, Frazer.
-Give me your pips.
You've bItten off much more than you can chew No, no, no.
You cannae wheedle your way out of this with me.
There's a discrepancy.
Eight yards of four-by-two missing and unaccounted for.
-I think if you look.
-Stand to attention when you are addressing an officer.
I don't know, I may have given a little extra to some of the chaps or something like that.
-Precisely.
-Hm? Incompetence and extravagance, maybe even corruption.
-Well, that's it, you're busted.
-I beg your pardon? You heard.
You're busted.
Get them off! -Get what off? -Those stripes.
I want those stripes, Private Wilson.
And you can tell yon spiv fellow to come in.
-You can't possibly talk to me like that.
-Private! You're dismissed.
Right turn.
Quick march.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Get a move on.
Hey, you, Walker, in here.
At the double! Everything all right, Wilson? You know, sir, that fellow Frazer really has gone too far.
-I'm sure you can handle him.
-He busted me.
-He's what? -He's busted me.
Reduced me to the ranks.
Ah.
That's a very good sign, really.
Give him enough rope, he'll hang himself.
-What's he busted you for? -I don't know.
Some trifling discrepancy in the stores account.
Eight yards of four-by-two.
I mean, I ask you.
I have warned you about that.
You're far too lackadaisical in these matters.
He spoke to me in the most offensive manner.
He told me to take my stripes off.
I really do think you ought to do something about it, sir.
Yes.
Very well, I will.
Thank you so much, sir.
I knew I could rely on you.
Hand me those scissors, will you? All these ribbons.
They cut no ice with me, Jones.
So, you might as well know where you stand from the start.
I think you're a woolly-minded old ditherer.
-A woolly-minded old ditherer? -Well, at least your hearing's sound.
If that's what you think, I'm resigning.
I wouldn't serve under you if His Royal Majesty the King were to ask me.
I'm reducing myself to the ranks as effect from now.
A good riddance to bad rubbish.
And it's no good coming round to my shop asking for sausages 'cause the answer will be in the infirmative.
I'm sorry, Wilson, you're just going to have to go on parade and soldier on as a private.
Yes, but I know he'll be rude to me, sir.
And I cannot bear it when people are rude to me.
My heart starts to pound and I just have to sit down, that's all.
-You don't sit down when I'm rude to you.
-I know.
But, you see, I don't take any notice of you, sir.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
What is it, Corporal? Well, Captain Mainwaring.
Captain Mainwaring.
-Is something the matter? -You know me, sir.
I'd go through fire and brimstone and treacle for you, sir.
I will not serve under a common man, sir.
So after 40 years, I'm resigning my non-commission.
-Go and sit down, Corporal.
-Thank you, sir.
-He's playing right into our hands.
-How do you make that out, sir? By antagonising the platoon.
If nobody will serve under him, then he's done for.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
Excuse me.
Uncle Private? Oh, Frank.
That's it.
-Will I tell Mum you'll be home for supper? -Yes.
Captain Frazer said I can go home with the good news.
What good news? Captain Frazer says I have hidden qualities of drive, tenacity and leadership.
So he gave me this.
Right! Right, Captain Frazer says that Private Wilson, Private Jones can have the rest of the day off to recuperate.
He expects you here tomorrow at 6:30 sharp.
Oh, yes, sir.
He sends his compliments.
Says can he have your stick and gloves? How dare he? Come in, man.
Come in.
Come in.
Sit you down.
Take the weight off your feet.
That's very kind of you.
Thank you.
Now, my dear friend, in the past I've said some harsh things to you.
All for your own good, mind, but no doubt they hurt.
Well, I always felt you never meant them unkindly.
Precisely.
I am a simple man, I speak my mind and what's in this hard, old Scottish heart.
But now that I'm in charge, you need have no fears.
-I sympathise with you.
-That's very kind of you.
So, if ever you're feeling off colour or if it's your day for the clinic don't worry about it.
Just don't bother to come in at all.
That's very understanding.
But if you do come in, you'll do as the others do or take the consequences.
So now we know where we stand.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
Squad, 'shun! -Are you the commander of this unit? -I'm indeed, sir.
My name is Menzies.
I've taken over area command.
I'm glad they had the good sense to put a Scotsman in charge.
-Where are you from? -The lovely Isle of Barra, sir.
A wild and lonely place it is, you understand.
The life is hard and so are the men.
-Well, that's the sort we need these days.
-Aye.
-I might go now, sir.
-Aye, go on.
Go on.
Thank you for being so considerate.
I think.
Well, how are things with the unit? Well, to be frank, sir, it's been a terrible day.
My sergeant's been on the fiddle, my corporal is incompetent, but I busted them both.
-Oh, I see.
Well, can you replace them? -It's already done, sir.
-Obviously there's nothing to worry about here.
-No.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, er, Captain, I don't suppose you play the pipes? Indeed I do, sir.
Well, I'm planning a wee highland get together at HQ officers mess and I'd be delighted if you'd join us.
It'll be a rare honour, sir.
Good.
Well, I'll send you an invitation.
Meanwhile, carry on the good work.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
-Good day to you, Captain Mainwaring.
-Good day.
Mainwaring.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Come on, hold your hand out We're all fed up wIth you I'm glad Mainwaring impressed you, sir, he's a good man.
I must say, I never knew he played the bagpipes.
Well, he certainly does.
He told me with his own lips.
To tell the truth, I didn't even know he was a Scot.
Mainwaring isn't a Scots name, is it? Well, perhaps he used to be MacMainwaring and he dropped the Mac.
Perhaps it wasn't raining! Haven't you got a comic to read, boy? Anyway, I've asked him and the unit to come over so that he can pipe in the haggis.
-My, my.
I haven't seen that for years.
-Precisely.
So lay it on, will you? Yes, sir.
Captain Mainwaring will pipe in the haggis.
Now you're goIng to get a bIg surprIse You're nothIng but a basketful of lIes (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
The men are outside, sir, and waiting for you in rows.
-I presume you mean in ranks.
-Oh, yes, of course, sir.
It's ranks.
-How are they? -They're very well indeed, sir.
All very pleased to be back to normal.
-Very glad that you're once more in command.
-Naturally.
I should think Frazer's learnt his lesson, wouldn't you? Oh, I think he would, sir.
Yes, I hope we all have.
Platoon, atten-hut! Stand at ease! Well, now that we're all back to normal, I'm sure you'd like me to thank Private Frazer for his spirited attempt to run the platoon.
I'm sure he now realises some of the problems and is only too relieved to be a squaddie again.
-Hold on, sir.
-No talking in the ranks.
Sir, I'd like to say that I think Captain Frazer made a very good job of it.
Considering.
I would like to second that.
And I would like to un-second it.
Mind you, I think Captain Mainwaring's better than Captain Frazer.
Oh, yes, in some ways, yes.
Captain Mainwaring is more of a gentleman than Captain Frazer.
But you knew where you stood with Captain Frazer.
All right, all right.
Be quiet.
Settle down.
Anyway, it's all over now and I'm sure that we've all benefited from the experience.
Now, quite out of the blue, I've had an invitation from Major General Menzies.
Sir.
Mengis.
-What did you say, Frazer? -We pronounce it ''Mengis'', sir.
Do you? From Major General Menzies to take part in the ceremony of the piping in of the haggis.
I'm sure you'll agree with me that this is a great honour indeed to be asked to partake in so ancient a ritual.
But, sir, that happened because the General was so impressed.
-Don't talk in the ranks, please, Frazer.
-Very well, sir.
Now, I want a very good turn out.
All eyes will be upon us.
-Aye, but sir, you ought to know one thing.
-For the last time, Frazer, stop talking.
Very well, sir.
Upon your own head be it.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
-Escort party outside, sir.
-Good.
Show them in.
Sir.
You may go in now, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant.
-Good evening, Mainwaring.
-Good evening, sir.
I'm very sorry we're late but our transport developed a fault.
However, we're here now and I hope the General will forgive us.
Unfortunately, he's been called to the War Office for a briefing, but he wants the piping to go on.
I'll join the other officers now that you have arrived.
The sergeant here will fill you in on the ceremony.
By the way, caps on, of course.
-Thank you, sir.
Caps on.
Caps on, everyone.
-Aye, sir.
Now then, first we need a bearer for this.
-Yes, now.
-Permission to speak, sir? -Yes.
-I should like to bear that.
I'd enjoy bearing that load, sir.
I'd also consider it an honour as well as also.
-Yes, all right.
-It should be a sergeant, sir, by rights.
-Yes, of course it should.
You'll take it, Wilson? -Yes, I will.
I'd love to.
Thank you so much.
How kind of you.
-Now, we need two men on the doors, here.
-Frazer, Walker.
On the doors, quickly.
-The escort goes two abreast behind.
Move! -Move.
Come along.
Once inside, it's twice round the table then present the President with the haggis.
-Is that clear? -I think so.
Very good, sir.
I shall go inside.
When they're ready, I will give three loud taps with my pace stick on that portal.
That will be the signal for the escort party to advance with the haggis.
Is that clear? -Quite clear, Sergeant, thank you.
-Very good, sir.
-That clear, everybody? -Yes, sir.
-Hold that straight.
-This the way to do it? No, no.
Arms, like this.
Here you are, sir.
Your pipes.
-Good.
I take it the Colonel will be playing them? -No, you are.
-I am? -Of course.
That's what you're here for, isn't it? Now will you let me speak? It was me the General invited, me, -because of the way I handled the platoon.
-Indeed.
Indeed.
So now you're sunk, Captain Mainwaring.
And there's only one thing you can do.
Let me go in there at the head of my platoon, playing the pipes and let me take the credit I deserve.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) There go the knocks.
They're sounding your doom.
Nemesis has struck.
Get back in your place, Private Frazer.
Man, oh, man.
You're a bigger fool than I thought.
Are you absolutely sure you're doing the right thing? I spent my honeymoon at a place called Invergeikie.
-It was a wild and lonely place, you understand.
-Yes.
The nights were long, there was nothing else to do.
I never doubted you could do it, sir! Never for a moment.
Never for a single moment! God forgive me.