Daria s05e06 Episode Script

Angela, we certainly recognize the conflicting emotions you must feel as both educator and administrator, but Do we get our raise or not?! Better! A new coffee maker in the teachers' lounge.
That's not an offer, that's an insult! Now, as head of the Lawndale Teacher's Union, I With some of those international flavors you can just squirt right out of a bottle.
Mmm Ooh, I like what I'm seeing Ms.
Li changing her support hose again? That's another habit that will lead to blindness, Upchuck.
But in this case you'll wish for it.
Your concern touches me, ladies but we've got a cat-and-dogfight here.
Me-ouch! And it's about to get strike-o-licious.
Give us our ten percent or we'll walk! Oh, you will, will you? Well, I hope for your sake your negotiating skills have improved since the last time you tried to pull this stunt or have you forgotten that the dental insurance was contingent on your teaching a sewing class? Grr Did you hem those pants yourself? That's it! We strike! Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please.
Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again? No.
Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent.
In an unprecedented show of spine - I mean, spite - your teachers have announced a strike.
However, school will continue just as before.
It just won't involve teachers.
Class you may have noticed I'm not your usual teacher.
If only we didn't have our usual students.
For our first lesson, let's learn each other's names.
I'm Mrs.
Stoller.
Got it! Man, this class is going to be a breeze! And you are? I'm the Q.
B.
! Posture, Cubie, posture.
We think he's doing very well, considering how he missed out on evolution.
And what's your name, dear? Daria.
That sounds like a hippie name.
I think I'll call you Darlene.
So much prettier.
We need a lot more money! This really isn't funny! You don't pay us enough to buy honey! I don't know this chant It sucks! Hey! I threw out the rhyme about the bunny! Um, Anthony haven't most great labor movements throughout history featured a stirring song? Great idea! Make one up! Oh.
Well, um let me see "Well, I came to sunny Lawndale with a smile and a degree " Hmm, no uh oh! "I've been teaching here in Lawndale on rather modest pay " No, that's not quite forceful enough.
True literature should inspire us to seek new experiences, to explore new sensations Mr.
Edwards? Call me Ken.
Um, Ken, this is almost interesting, but seeing as how you're only the substitute teacher, perhaps you can give us our book assignments and we can be on our way.
Ah, but what to assign? You see, the only books worth reading are those written in the deep, passionate waters of life.
So, like Jaws? No, no, like the novel I'm writing.
It's about a slightly older, sensitive man and the love a budding woman child feels for him when she gets to know him better.
What ? See love can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding flower to full blossom.
You're writing about gardening? And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing! Mm-hmm About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her.
Mm-hmm And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul Mm-hmm what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?! I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.
Daria! Get me the Thank you.
Oh, Tiffany Tiffany I never got to hear you call me "Ken.
" Attention! Will Miss Daria Morgendorffer please report to the principal's office.
Now! Darlene? Where are you going? To get Daria.
If someone asked me to teach a class, I'd be honored.
Besides, we wouldn't be in this fix if it weren't for your mother.
Yeah.
Hire one pedophile and she gets all bent out of shape.
Besides, I'm not thinking of me.
I'm thinking of the children.
Not so fast.
You'll get out of gym class.
You? A scab? Oh, great.
Touched by an angel.
You'd be betraying your teachers.
Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers! You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep wages low and workers weak.
Oh, go dance on the head of a pin.
You could make Quinn's life really miserable.
Huh.
That's a good point.
Hey, you hungry? Yeah, we can pick this up later.
Ms.
Morgendorffer, I'm waiting This is a waste of time, especially with today being the first day of Cashman's Cruisewear Craziness.
Attention, young people! Mr.
Edwards will no longer be joining us due to reasons.
I hope it's not his anguish acting up.
But I am proud to introduce a substitute with tolerable credentials, who is far less liable to engender a lawsuit that could cost me my very pants.
Hello.
My name is Miss Darlene and I'll be your new teacher.
Look on the bright side.
It's not every student who has access to their teacher But I don't want access! Home is my sanitarium away from school.
Does this mean we can just do our parent-teacher conferences here? Hello, free time for model railroading! Morning, Mom Dad class.
Mo-om! Augh! What's wrong with her? It's her grades, or rather, it will be.
Daria Whoo-whoo! All aboard the Big Jake Express! "Now, class, let's check the evenness of your box stitch.
" No.
No.
Never again! "On top of our paychecks, right under the date, there sits a small number we've all grown to hate " I don't know, hate is such an ugly word.
Cool tune, man.
Classic feel.
Wait.
I know you! You're on Spiral's mailing list? No, you were one of my students.
Trent Lane.
Um Trent, do you remember how you and your friends used to write "down with the man" on my car with soap? Just let it go, man.
I mean, bygones, right? Well, Trent, today "the man" is coming down on us, the underpaid teachers of Lawndale High, and we could really use the help of a talented songwriter.
I don't know.
This is a chance to focus your energy on a cause worthy of your talent, your knowledge, your virtuosity! I don't have to read music, do I? No! Well, what do you know? Trent's actually on time to pick us up, and all I had to do was set his clock ahead four hours.
I don't think he's adjusted to the time change.
He appears to be writing a song with Mr.
O'Neill.
He's too good-natured.
If a teacher tried to take advantage of me like that, I'd tell them right where to stick it.
Jane, thank God.
We need your taste and talent.
Go on, Jane, offer that piece of friendly advice you just mentioned.
Ms.
Barch's signs? Well, they aren't really getting our message across.
Could you help us design some strong graphic statements? I'll write a note to get you out of class.
Oh, wait, I guess I can't.
No, but the scab can.
Gee, thanks, Mr.
Hoffa.
"Your salary offends me, your health plan " "Doesn't mend me?" You know, if you're not going to take this seriously, we can just stop right now.
And so, the people asked George Washington, "Will you be our new king?" And Washington said young lady, you're tardy.
Gee, he wasn't very focused.
I have a note from a teacher.
"Please excuse Jane from class.
Signed: Miss Darlene.
" Well, on your way, then.
Okay.
We know Mr.
O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien.
" Do you remember anything else? Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
Hmm.
Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
Wait, I remember now.
He's a stalker.
He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.
Romeo and Juliet.
A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down.
You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.
That's what I just said.
Hello, Ms.
Morgendorffer! How lovely you look today.
Hey, Daria.
Could you write me a note that says I didn't put that dent in my dad's car? And can we have one to get out of class so we can make out scholarship applications? Nice.
Nice.
Remember, nothing says "death to the bosses!" like primaries.
Pastels are for appeaseniks.
"Have you ever been to the children's zoo? When the birdies say 'cheep,' they're talking 'bout you!" Nah Good news, everyone! I just came from Ms.
Li's office and she's made a final offer.
A .
08% pay hike and free non-dairy creamer! And Anthony, she says you can put away your sewing kit.
So what does everyone say? Anthony, is something the matter? My dear Mrs.
Bennett.
As an informed consumer, you should know that non-dairy creamer offers no sustenance whatsoever and neither does that offer! This is the contract we wrote, and this is the contract she's going to sign! Cover me, boys.
I'm going in! What are you looking for, Jane? Bombers.
He'll never make it without air support.
"For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
" Thank you, Joey, Jeffy or Jamie.
Laurence Olivier, in his present state, couldn't have done better.
Cool! What does "woe" mean? It like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow.
Whoa! See? Quinn, are you taking notes? Um, no.
I'm just, er, writing so that girl thinks I'm paying attention when I'm not really.
Who cares what a teacher thinks? They're such losers.
Yeah.
Eww She's not a real teacher, Sandi.
She's a substitute.
Oh.
A substitute loser.
Okay.
You've read the play.
Tomorrow you take the test.
Sorry.
Orders from above.
I'd suggest you cheat off your neighbors, but considering who most of you are sitting next to Quinn, I hope that substitute you've been making excuses for won't be holding us to the same rigid grading standards as everyone else.
Perhaps you should remind her how popular we are.
But she's weird.
I don't think she even cares about popular people.
See, there you go, sticking up for her again.
It's almost as if you two share some deep, dark secret that might inadvertently come out if tomorrow's test proves too difficult.
Hey, how about asking them this: "If Verona had had metal detectors, would Mercutio be alive today?" If he were, he'd be about 400 years old.
That's why they'll all get it wrong.
Trick question, yeah! Gee, I wonder why no one's ever asked you to teach a class.
Daria, you know the test tomorrow? It's going to be easy, right? Because if you make it really hard, some popular people won't like it and might take it out on another completely innocent popular person, and besides, it's good to help the popular, because if you don't, it might make you even more unpopular, although I don't know if such a thing is possible.
Ooh, wouldn't want to risk that.
So you'll do it? Right after I change into my fur bikini.
Daria! You know, I didn't ask for this stupid teaching job.
I don't need the work and I don't need the stigma.
I've tried to make the class interesting and focus on the play, not the grades.
And if, after all that, the only thing your vapid friends can think about is how to finesse taking the test, then they deserve to fail it.
Daria, do you want everyone to hate you? Hey, why should you go out of your way to protect the stupid? You're not one of them! I I you don't understand anything! Hmm, maybe you should make it easy.
Give the poor kids a break.
I lied about the fur bikini.
Damn! Stupid smoke pellets get stuck so damn easy doesn't even look like real smoke! Hey, Quinn! You got a hat pin? A what? I don't have time for your crazy jokes, Dad.
I have to study for this stupid test Daria is making us take on Romeo and Juliet.
Hey! I remember that play.
Sit down.
Let old Jakey help you with your studies.
Now, if I recall, Romeo meets Juliet by this big, bubbly cauldron No, Dad, she's at this party he crashes with his friend Mercutio.
Right! The little wooden boy! No, Dad, he's Romeo's pal, but he gets stabbed to death by Tybalt.
Tybalt? Tybalt? So Romeo kills Tybalt, and then Juliet's dad says she has to marry Paris, so she pretends she's dead Tybalt sounds like the name of a rock.
And when Paris sees her Wait I know this stuff! Um, got to go.
Thanks! Any time! Paris? Wait, that not Romeo and Juliet.
That's The Pink Panther! Damn smoke pellet! Where did I put that hat pin?! Don't think you can intimiate intermolate don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked! You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night.
I want to picket naked! All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge.
Boy! It's getting hot in here! Now, class, sit up straight, and no talking while you take your test.
"Name the colors on the American flag?" Hey, no fair! You didn't say we had to know that! Cubie, you hush! And posture, Cubie, posture! Yes, Jamie, Joey or Jeffy? Um, my test only has one question on it.
That's right.
What is Romeo and Juliet about? Just write what you think and back it up.
200 words, minimum.
An essay test? Think ? "You call this compensation? You keep your long vacation! You're forcing us to salary arbitration! Mama said strike you out! Yeah!" My work here is done.
What do you think of the song, Anthony? Anthony? Oh my gosh! He's still up there with Ms.
Li! Anthony? Angela? Any progress? Oh no, they've killed each other! Dear God, when will the madness stop?! Oh, Puffy, you don't need a weapon to make me do your bidding Huh? What? Oh, they're not dead.
What a relief.
Get up! Thank God.
I thought I signed the contract, but it was just a bad dream.
I knew it! But it seemed so real and you were there and you and you! What's that in your hand? Give me that! The contract! Anthony, you did it! Here are your tests.
I don't think I've ever written so many "A's".
You're the smartest and biggest first graders I've ever had.
Thanks! What a surprise.
An "A" and a silver star.
Don't get too full of yourself.
I got a gold star.
I got a gold star, too, and a "C"! Oh red, white and blue! Hey, no fair! How come Brittany got a star and I didn't? Boys with bad posture don't get stars.
And Cubie, it's not nice to try to fool the teacher by signing your test "Kevin"! A "B"! You mean you think Mercutio had a thing for Romeo, too? No, but you argued your point well, and I thought your ideas for keeping him out of the locker room were original, if a little closed-minded.
A "D-minus"? I should have known Quinn would fail us.
I should have failed you, too.
See, in Shakespeare's version, Romeo never goes by the name "Leonardo" or takes a swim in his clothes, but I gave you extra credit for realizing that the movie and the play were somehow connected.
I guess we shouldn't have copied each other.
Hey! Gee, Quinn.
What a surprise you got a "B-plus".
I guess having a certain relationship with a certain teacher really paid off.
Um, Sandi, I thought she was fairly easy on the grading, as long as you tried to think for yourself.
Oh, really? I guess everything's relative.
Sandi ever since they asked this girl to take over the class from that creepy guy who wanted to fertilize Tiffany, it seems to me all she tried to do was make the best of a bad situation.
Maybe we should cut her some slack.
See? There she goes, taking sides again.
You two are so nice to each other, you're almost like sisters.
I'm not taking anyone's side, Sandi.
I'm just saying that sometimes people get put in awkward positions.
Like a girl who has to wear huge braces in fifth grade, and years later her brothers find pictures of her with them and give those pictures to a friend, who hasn't shown them to anyone out of the goodness of her heart yet.
Oh.
Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all she's my sister.
Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister! Well, um, of course she is, Sandi.
We knew that.
We were just being polite about it.
People of Mars! I mean, students of Lawndale High.
This is your leader um, principal.
What was I saying? Oh! The teachers the teachers the strike's over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni day.
Um Miss Darlene? I think you were, um you were a pretty good teacher.
Thanks, Jamie, Jeffy or Joey.
For the record, some of you aren't half-bad students.
You know who you are.
It's quite a web sight when Civil War buffs get in the buff! "www-dot-gettysbare," next on Sick, Sad World! I already told you, I'm not signing your National Rayon Day petition.
Um you know that grade you gave me? Sandi says I only got it because you're always at my house.
Is that true? Let me pose you a question, Grasshopper.
If I gave you a grade that you didn't earn, that would be acting nice.
Could I face myself if I were ever nice to you? Really?! I thought so! And by the way, don't think I could ever be nice to you, either.
I'm fully aware of that.
God only knows what this little foray of yours into teacher geekland cost me in social status.
I feel your pain.
Well.
Good night, then.
Good night sis.
Yes! I endured! My wits didn't fail! My strength didn't fail! I didn't fail! I got that contract, and if I can do that, I can do anything! Even teach Kevin.
So tell me, sonny boy which war freed us from the iron hand of British rule? Iron iron the Golf War? Mr.
DeMartino? Do you want to share? The joy of teaching didn't last very long with this one.
You got to grab it while you can.
Written by Peter Elwell