Doc Martin (2004) s05e06 Episode Script

So, who's going to look after the baby while you're at work? My mother.
If she remembers to turn up.
And if she doesn't? Oh, is that an offer of help, Ruth? Me? No.
I was just wondering what your back-up plan might be.
You could always take the baby to school for the odd day now and again.
No, I couldn't.
Help yourself to salad.
This chicken's delicious.
Did you get Al to kill one of your birds? No! I ran over it.
I didn't mean to but it wasn't too badly squashed, so I always thought that Joan secretly enjoyed killing the chickens.
Do you know, she kept notes on their health, how much they were eating.
I found a chicken diary in one of her boxes.
Oh, and something else.
Something you might find rather interesting.
It's over here.
Mind your head.
Ow! Martin! Here we are.
Joan's little treasure chest hidden away in here for God knows how many years.
Oh.
That belonged to my grandfather.
Or Daddy, as I was never allowed to call him.
He would never let me touch this.
Didn't you break his pocket watch? I offered to mend it.
You were seven.
I don't think he thought you were up to the job.
Have you got the key? I imagine it's in there somewhere.
Look.
There's me on my first day at prep school, waiting for the taxi.
You went to school by taxi? No, I went in a taxi to the station, then a train, then a bus.
You don't look very happy.
He was about to say goodbye to home for a couple of months.
So how old were you? Six and three quarters.
Martin, that's awful.
Well, I do.
I'm going to sort them out and put them into an album.
Why? Because that's what people do, Martin.
Oh.
No, I'm not really sure what happened.
Anyway, I'm here with Joe.
No! Not like that.
Joe's still Joe, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.
Yeah, OK.
Soon as I can.
Yeah.
Bye! All right? Yeah, don't want to be late for my appointment with the doc.
It looks like my policy of zero tolerance is finally paying off.
I didn't have to issue a single ticket all morning.
No-one parks on a double yellow line with you around, eh? Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.
That's my motto.
I remember.
I'd better get on.
So, it's all coming back then? Your memory.
Do you remember our wedding? I remember our honeymoon.
Ah! The people in the caravan next door wouldn't shut up.
Swearing and playing loud music.
You wouldn't go and tell them to keep the noise down.
I was outnumbered.
Two blokes.
And a dog.
I've changed, Mags.
Anyway, that was Gabby from the salon on the phone and they've got a hen party booked in this weekend.
Half a dozen blow dries, and a perm.
So you're leaving, then? If Doc Martin says I'm all right.
Gives me the all-clear, I'll be off.
I'll be sad to see you go, Mags.
Maybe the doc won't let you travel.
Fingers crossed, eh? James, I'm a little bit nervous about going back to school.
New pupils and new parents What were you saying? Nothing.
I was just thinking aloud.
Could you get James dressed before Mum picks him up? Of course.
When you have a moment, I'd appreciate your thoughts on that.
It's a prep school.
It's just registration.
It doesn't commit us.
But it would be a good idea to get his name down.
No.
No, definitely not.
It's a very good school.
It's in Hampshire! He's eight weeks old and you're already thinking about sending him away.
No, no.
I don't want him in some stuffy old institution.
It's just a prospectus.
Yes.
I can see that.
I'm sorry.
Can we just talk about this later? Yes.
I guess we'll have to.
Aren't you going to wish me luck? I was going to.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Bye, Mum.
Bye, Dad.
Hey, what you doing back there? Not touching my fruit and veg? It ain't your fruit and veg.
It belongs to the whole school.
You little You stay away from there.
Is there a problem, Mr Coley? They've been going where they're not allowed - my growing patch.
No, we haven't.
Adam.
You don't answer Mr Coley back and you don't go near the growing patch without a teacher.
No more trouble today.
Understand? Yes, Miss.
Right.
Inside How was your holiday, Mr Coley? Where did you go? Erm, nowhere special.
It rained all week.
Oh, bad luck.
I wondered if you've noticed a peculiar smell in Bournemouth! We went to Bournemouth.
Lovely.
I was just saying, the school, it smells a bit musty.
And you know that light in the hall? It still needs fixing.
It's all on my to-do list.
Great.
Oh, and, erm, you've got a bit of shaving foam in your ear.
I was in a hurry.
Your EEG shows no abnormalities whatsoever.
Right.
So what are you saying exactly? It means there are no abnormalities.
There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with your neural functions.
So I can travel? Yes, of course.
Oh, I'll be heading back to Bude then.
Do you have a GP there? I'm pretty sure I do.
I'll send him my notes for your file.
And if the condition returns, you should go and see him immediately.
Do you think it might come back? It's a possibility.
What are you saying? I'm saying that transient global amnesia is a rare condition.
Very little is known about its pathophysiology.
Could you just talk me through it all again? If you didn't understand it the first time, what's the point? I do have other patients.
Are you trying to tell me that's the end of the appointment? Yes.
Yes! Doc, Louisa phoned.
She needs you up at the school.
Erm, right.
Show this patient out.
But I've still got some questions.
Ask them in Bude.
Careful! He's been vomiting and he says his throat hurts.
It's a severe allergic reaction.
He WAS licking the floor.
Why? It was a dare.
He made me do it.
No-one can make you do something you don't want to, Adam.
They can in Dares Club.
There will be no more Dares Club here.
Yes, Miss.
Garth dared Adam to lick the hall floor from one side to the other.
Right.
I'll take a sample of his blood.
What sort of floor cleaner do you use? I don't know.
I don't clean the floors.
Kids will be kids, Martin.
That's normal.
Susan Baxendale once dared me to eat a spoonful of soil.
And I did.
It must have done wonders for your immune system.
I can't see any cleaning fluid.
I'll have to ask Mr Coley.
I need to know exactly what's in the fluid.
This school smells funny.
Yes, I know.
It just needs airing after the holiday.
Mmmm.
I need to get back to the surgery.
Shouldn't you take a sample? A sample of what? The hall floor.
Louisa, I'm not a forensic scientist.
No, but could you improvise? Come on, that's it.
Swing your arms.
Let's see those arms going.
Keep moving.
Look! Just keep this area clear! Martin, you're scaring them.
Good.
Do you intend to instil any sort of discipline into your pupils? Actually they're very well-behaved mostly.
Mmm.
Where do you keep those ones? What's wrong, Mags? What's the diagnosis? He was so rude to me.
Really? Wouldn't listen, wouldn't answer any of my questions.
He's like that with everyone.
And everyone puts up with it? Well, obviously YOU would.
Actually, no.
I won't take this lying down any more.
That man has pushed me too far.
Oh, come on, Joe.
Don't worry, Mags, I'm not going to hurt him.
Not physically.
Just give him a piece of my mind.
Joe Penhale.
No, now you shut your mouth and open your ears.
That's right.
Anyone who upsets my Maggie, upsets me.
And I really don't think you want to do that.
Understood? What you talking about? Good.
I'll tell her.
He says he's very sorry and it won't happen again.
Thank you, Joe.
What did he say about your brain? Oh, the tests are all clear, apparently.
Well, I'll go and pack.
The bus is at 5.
30.
Or I could give you a lift.
No.
No.
You have done enough.
Oh, Mr Coley.
Yes, Linda.
It's me, Louisa.
I know.
There's been a bit of an incident earlier with one of the boys.
He licked the floor in the hall.
With his tongue? How else could he lick the floor? I see your point.
My point, Mr Coley, is that the boy had a reaction to something in the floor cleaner and Dr Ellingham needs to know what sort of cleaner you use.
Yes, of course, it's It's Do you know name of the brand? It'll come to me.
Mr Coley, you're painting with your tea.
How am I supposed to get anything done with you distracting me? Miss, there's an emergency.
Oh, dear, come on, then.
Yes, Louisa.
Martin, I'm sorry to have to bother you.
Do you have a moment? Louisa, I am in the middle of a busy day.
So am I, but my day's been interrupted by a pupil with a medical problem.
I'm afraid I need your help.
And he said he bought it in Wadebridge but I knew for a fact it was one of my pies because it was well past its sell-by date but he had a receipt so I couldn't Where are you off to, then? I'm going to have a coffee at Bert's.
Fancy joining me? I can't, Mags.
Possible theft in a mini-mart.
What do you mean, 'possible'? Oh, that's a shame.
His fingerprints could be all over my chiller cabinet.
We're closed.
What? If he returns to the scene of the crime, then give me a call.
But You've got my number - nine double-nine.
Oh, he's getting away with murder.
No, he's getting away with shoplifting.
Bert! Quick, a matter of extreme urgency.
What's going on, Joe? I need a favour.
Always happy to help.
If that's what you want Thanks, Bert.
How much? What? How much you going to pay me then? Ten quid? Not really worth it.
Twenty? Done! Hi! What do you want? Oh, just a cup of coffee, please.
Have you got a reservation? No.
Well I suppose I could try and squeeze you in.
Can't really be bothered if you're not having lunch.
I tried to pull it out.
Which was precisely the wrong thing to do.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to call you.
Then why make it worse when you could see it was trapped? If you hadn't made me feel so guilty about calling you out last time.
Oh, I see.
This is my fault? Well Did someone dare you to do this? No.
Look, I don't want to see any more silly behaviour in this school.
How do propose achieving that? Sending them all home and shutting the place down? Don't worry.
The doctor is here to help you.
He's going to make you better.
Aren't you, Martin? I'm going to attempt to extricate your finger from the pencil sharpener and then I'll then dress the wound.
Is that OK? Or do you have a building to set fire to? Martin? I'm going to turn your whole hand in a clockwise direction.
Is it going to hurt? Let's see.
Agghh! It's hurting! It's hurting! I thought it might.
Ugh! Well done.
Hold it up.
Very brave.
There you go.
That'll be £3.
50 and, no, I don't take credit cards before you ask.
That seems a bit expensive.
This coffee is freezing.
Stop complaining, woman.
I'm sick of people like you coming in here telling me how to do my job.
What's going on? And you can bog off an' all! Bert! And take your moaning wife with you.
I wasn't moaning.
And actually she's my ex-wife.
I want you two out of here right now.
Well, that's not going to happen.
Well, what you going to do? Arrest me? I will do, if you carry on like this.
You wouldn't dare, you little That's enough, Mr Large.
Now, I don't know what's got into you this morning but I do know that you're going to apologise for your discourtesy.
Go on.
Sorry.
Not to me.
To her.
Sorry.
That's better.
Come on, Mags, let's get out of this dump.
Don't come back, you pair of tossers.
Enough! Why don't I buy you a pastie? I thought you were on duty? Rules are made to be broken, Mags.
I think I know how to run my school, Martin.
Yes, of course you do.
All I'm saying is, you opt for a very relaxed approach to discipline.
I'm not going to start caning five- year-olds, if that's what you mean.
No, of course it's not.
Corporal punishment isn't an option in any school, even What? Nothing.
No, what were you going to say? I was going to say that I'm relieved James won't be influenced by boys like that.
This is a lovely school, Martin.
I came here and I was very happy and I turned out just fine.
Or perhaps you think I'm a bit of a disappointment? Of course not.
Good.
Hello.
Is everything all right? Yeah, I've just got to hand him back.
But, Mum, I'm working.
I'm meeting a shellfish dealer.
He's going out to sea so it's got to be right now.
Well, didn't you ask Martin to help? I asked.
He said no of course.
I'm so sorry, Lou.
It's only for a couple of hours.
Well, has he slept? He's on his way.
I'll be back soon as I can.
Oi, no running inside.
Agghhhh! Mr Coley! Are you OK? I think so, Linda.
No, it's me.
It's Louisa.
Those kids there ran into my ladder and knocked me flying.
You two, my office now! Maybe you should go and see Dr Ellingham? I've got jobs to do.
I'm sure they can wait.
You you've got a baby.
Seriously.
You should go and see a doctor.
Any pain apart from your back? Numbness in your limbs or tingling? No.
If it was up to me I wouldn't have come here.
It was Miss Glasson's idea.
Breathe in.
Out.
In.
Out.
Superficial bruising.
No breaks or fractures.
Your health seems reasonably good for a man of your age.
Are you taking any medications? Just Aspirin when I get a headache.
How often is that? The children give me a lot of headaches these days.
Yes.
I'll get back to work then.
Sorry to waste your time.
Oh! Oh, I must have stood up too quick.
I've got you.
Sit down.
Did you feel dizzy before you fell? No, I got knocked off by a couple of kids.
There's no discipline in that school.
The goats do whatever they like.
The goats? 'Ey? I meant kids.
How many units of alcohol do you consume in a day? I don't drink.
Oh.
How's your memory? Fine.
Mood swings? No.
Has anybody close to you commented on your behaviour? Like who? I don't know.
Your wife, if you have one.
You leave my wife out of this.
I've got work to do.
But I haven't finished.
You said there's nothing wrong.
No, I said there's nothing broken.
That's good enough for me.
What do you want for dinner tonight? I thought you were getting the bus to Bude? I thought I'd spend one more day with you, if that's OK with you? Have you lost something? I'm sure I bought a new packet of chocolate digestives.
What have you done with them? It's for your own good.
No.
Eating a chocolate digestive right now would be for my own good.
I don't see how.
It would give me energy.
No.
What it would actually give you is sugar, starch, saturated fat Is this about my size? It was fine to be a little bit overweight while you are pregnant and a few weeks after giving birth.
But it's been two months now.
You could easily lose a couple of pounds.
Are you calling me fat? I found it! The key to the clock.
It was in a tobacco tin with a couple of walnuts.
More pictures of Martin.
Thank you.
Oh, St Benedict's.
You do know that the last headmaster had to leave in quite a hurry? Why? Embezzlement.
Ah-ha! Have you thought about that place in Kent near Goudhurst? Oh, erm Yes, it's supposed to be rather good, isn't it? You're talking about boarding schools.
Yes.
Miles away from where we'll be living.
Why are you so keen to get rid of our child? I'm keen to give him the best education.
What? That money can buy.
Do you really think being a boarder at the age of seven is going to give James the best start to his life? If he doesn't learn to lick the floors, I'd consider it an advantage.
Would you like a biscuit, Ruth? I won't, actually.
They're delicious.
Come on, James.
Cocoa? No thanks.
Just brushed my teeth.
Are you all right in the spare room? The bed's not too lumpy? Maybe tomorrow.
What? Let's just see how it goes, eh? Night, Joe.
Louisa! Louisa! There's no need to shout.
Where's your mother? She should be here by now.
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
That's why I'm shouting.
Martin, I'm going to school.
Morning! You remember Mr Bunting? He's back again.
Right, that's my first appointment.
What are you suggesting? That I take James with me, look after our baby whilst dealing with a hundred other kids? Yes.
No.
Louisa.
Louisa, if your mother wasn't so unreliable, we wouldn't have this problem.
Our baby is not a 'problem' and my mother is not OK, she may be a bit on the late side sometimes but we are very lucky to have her.
Yes, except we don't actually have her, do we? But most days we do have her, and we'll miss her in London.
There will be no more free childcare.
When we are in London we won't need childcare, free or otherwise.
But when we're both out at work That's not for another three or four years.
You don't expect me to be a kept woman, do you? A what? I love my job.
Yes, but While he's still a baby, he needs his mother close at hand.
Yes, of course.
But I'm planning on getting a job in the next few months.
You don't need to.
Oh? Well, neither do you.
What do you mean? By your reckoning only one of us has to work.
Oh.
Now you're just being ridiculous.
Doc, he's having another one.
Nose bleed.
Erm, Louisa! Come through.
I don't know what to do.
I've got five kids throwing up here.
Oh, no.
Six kids throwing up here.
I don't know what to do.
Have they all been licking the floors? What? Please, Martin, come as soon as you can.
I need some help here.
Oh, dear.
Mmmm.
Exactly the same symptoms as the floor-licking boy.
He's called Adam.
Is this something to do with Dares Club? Well, they promised me it isn't.
Right.
And you believe them? Well, they were all poisoned with something.
I had the blood test results back from the floor-licker.
Or Adam.
Traces of some sort of cleaning solution.
Is that cleaning solution, from the floor, yes? No.
The floor sample that I took showed no traces of cleaning solution whatsoever.
It was, however, covered in fertiliser.
Fertiliser? Maybe your pupils bring it in on the soles of their footwear? Not every pupil is the child of a farmer, Martin.
So what's your explanation for fertiliser on the floor? We do have fertiliser in the school.
Mr Coley uses it on the growing patch.
What is the growing patch? It's a little garden round the back.
We use it for rural science.
I see.
So this idiot, Mr Whatsit, has been putting fertiliser on the floor and cleaning solution on the garden.
Perhaps they've all been licking the garden? Ella, were you in the growing patch this morning? No, Miss.
Ella Did someone dare you to do something? We had to show we weren't scared of Mr Coley.
So what did you do? I ate a strawberry, Miss.
I didn't want to but Hands up anyone who had a strawberry.
I thought you'd said you'd put a stop to this nonsense? Purple class have got rural science this morning.
And can anyone tell me why we're supposed to have five portions of fruit and vegetables every day? Someone else apart from Lola? Garth? Why are fruit and vegetables so good for us? Right.
No-one is to eat any fruit or vegetables grown at this school.
Thank you.
I'll take it from here, Dr Ellingham.
All this fruit and all these vegetables are highly toxic, which means that they poisonous.
Now, I don't want you to worry.
I just want you to tell me has anyone taken anything from the growing patch this morning? No, Miss.
Can you tell me where caretaker is? He was in his shed at breaktime.
Destroy all this produce.
Out of the way.
It might be best if you do what he says.
Really? Yes.
Which way is the shed? How long has he been, erm, confused? Well, he opened up the school last week for new parents to look around.
He seemed fine to me then.
Mr Coley? It's Louisa.
Oh, leave the door open.
Does he live in here? No, he's got a flat in the village with his wife.
But it does look like he's been living here.
Oh, are you all right? Yes.
Are you sure? Yes.
That's a paraffin heater.
If he's been sleeping in here with the door shut he'd give himself carbon monoxide poisoning.
Do you think that's why he's been acting so strange? He could have killed himself.
Miss, Miss! Mr Coley's on the roof! Really? Show me.
Up there.
Mr Creley! Coley.
Hello? Down here.
Who are you? It's Dr Ellingham.
You're not well, Mr Coley.
Please be careful.
What am I doing up here? I have no idea, but I think you should come down immediately.
Do you want me to jump down? NO! No.
Use the ladder.
All right.
I You stay up there.
Call Morwenna.
Tell her to bring oxygen and a mask and get Penhale.
What are you going to do? I'm going to stop him from falling off the roof.
Really? Yes.
I shouldn't really do this, but I've been thinking.
There's no beauty salon in Portwenn.
So Well, it's not just people in Bude that need a haircut.
PC Joseph Penhale, 3021.
Whoa, slow down, Louisa.
Who's on the roof? Information received.
On way.
Sorry, Mags.
I've got a situation.
Right.
Mr Maynard, I want you to come over here onto this ladder.
God! Who are you again? I'm Dr Ellingham.
Is there something wrong with me? Yes, you are suffering from delirium.
You have given yourself carbon monoxide poisoning.
How do you suppose I did that? By sleeping in a shed with a paraffin heater switched on.
A shed? Oh, yeah.
Do you know why I'm sleeping there? No.
She kicked me out! Who did? My wife.
I think it was my wife.
Me and her.
And now this.
Careful! I've worked here for years.
It's it's quite a responsibility.
What did you do that for? Hit him again! Adam, be quiet! Ssshh! And now I'm sleeping in the shed and scrubbing my undies in the staff toilets.
OK, everyone, step back.
Step back, there's nothing to see.
Yes, there is.
Mr Coley's on the roof.
Keep him talking, Doc.
Pretend you're on his side.
But if he makes any demands, make sure you run them past me first.
Be quiet! Everyone, keep calm.
Joe, do something.
I'm trying to impose some kind of order.
You need to get up that ladder.
I think Dr Ellingham's doing OK by himself.
Joe Right.
I'm leaving you in charge of spectators, Louisa.
Do not let anyone go near the kill zone.
What? The area where the bodies might land if someone falls off the roof.
Mr Munsen.
You hit me again.
Mr Munsen, we both need to get off this roof.
Now, then, I want you to watch me very closely and copy my every move.
Doc! I'm coming up! No! Stay where you are! I know what I'm doing.
You will fall if you don't do exactly what I say.
Put your right foot onto this rung of the ladder.
I know how to use a ladder.
Right.
That's it.
Hold tight.
Very carefully.
Doc, it's higher than I thought.
I'm stuck.
I told you not to come up, you moron! Don't move, Doc.
I think I'm going to fall.
Let go of me, Penhale! Come on, Joe.
You can do this.
Put your hands back on the ladder.
That's it.
Ugh! Go on, go down.
Go down! Not you, Mr Bunson.
Come on, Joe, you can do this.
That's it.
You can do it.
Come on, I've got you.
Hurry! Ignore him.
Just come down slowly.
That's it.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh! Are you all right? Of course.
I wasn't scared.
I was just staying there in case the suspect slipped and fell.
All right, Mr Munsen, now you.
Very carefully.
That's it.
Hold tight.
I'm here, Doc.
Have you got the oxygen? Yeah.
And I called an ambulance.
Should be here any minute.
Right.
All right, Mr Munsen.
Hang on tight.
Hey! Why were you having a go at me? On the phone.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You rang me, told me to keep my mouth shut.
I never Look, Maggie, if I've upset you, I'm sorry.
But I really don't know what I've done.
There was no need to shout at me.
Come on, Mags.
Let's go.
The girl's obviously drunk.
OK, Mr Munsen.
Hold tight.
Nearly there.
That's it.
There, you're on the ground.
Come on, everybody.
Inside.
The show's over.
Well done.
I'll go and see to your vomiting children now.
Then you should telephone their parents and get them to collect them.
I already have, thank you.
Are you sure you've got time for this? I'll make time.
Unless you've got any more surprises for me? No, I don't think so.
Good.
If anyone's still throwing up tomorrow, you should tell their parents to bring them to see me.
Listen, Joe I've been thinking about you and me.
I've been thinking too, Mags.
I don't think you should stay here.
A policeman's job, it's dangerous.
Someone could knock on the door any time, give you the news you hoped you'd never hear.
What news? That someone shot me or stabbed me.
Or maybe run me over.
Anyway, I'm dead.
And it's not fair on you, having to deal with that.
You don't want me any more? No, I do.
I've just got to let you go, Mags.
I love you too much to keep you here, in the line of fire.
OK.
No arguments now.
It's been lovely seeing you again, Joe.
Look after yourself.
Hello, Ruth.
Louisa! Busy day at school? Yes, you could say that.
Oh, and thanks for those photos of Martin.
To be honest, I found them rather sad.
He's a little boy and he's not smiling in any of them.
Asking him to say cheese was always pretty pointless.
I'm sure he'd still be the same.
People don't change.
They can do, if they want to.
Well, maybe I'm wrong.
Well, I must be off.
Looking forward to the 23rd! What's the 23rd? The christening.
For James.
Martin asked me to put the date in my diary.
Right, yes, the christening.
Bye, Louisa.
Bye-bye.
The 23rd? When were you going to tell me? Good evening.
The 23rd? Am I supposed to know what you're talking about? Oh, just the christening.
That's the only date that works.
You didn't ask me.
I checked your diary.
There was nothing in it.
But you didn't ask me! Do you have plans? That's not the point.
What is the point? The point, Martin, the point is, that you should ask me about things like this not just assume you've got it right and my opinion doesn't matter.
I see.
Do you? It doesn't seem too complicated.
Are you ready for something to eat now? Yes.
I suppose so.
Red snapper, green beans and rice.
No, I don't want that.
What? The meal you've planned all by yourself, I don't want it.
What do you want? Excuse me.
It's not breakfast, Louisa.
It's what I fancy.
I see.
Are you sure that's going to be enough for you? Yes.
There's plenty of fish.
How many times do I have to say it, Martin? I don't want any fish.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Is it too runny? Not the egg.
You and me.
There should be something we both agree about.
Where James might go to school, what day he's going to get christened Something.
But there's nothing.
You know? We don't even want to share the same meal.
I had an egg for breakfast.
Martin, be quiet.
Please.
This is not about eggs.
This is how it's always going to be, isn't it? You and me.
You, being you.
And me being You know.
I just can't do this any more.
What do you mean? I'm sorry.
Oh, my little girl.
Don't you make me cry.
I don't want my face to crack.
Are you going to give me a lift home? You could put my bike on the top of your car.
I'm a doctor, not a taxi driver.
That's it.
I just need to close up now.
I can close up if you like.
I don't mind giving it a go if you talk me through it.
Don't be ridiculous.