Episodes s05e06 Episode Script

1 [KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
[SEAN.]
You realize that's your show.
The father is a con man.
Shifty.
Conniving.
- The son is a cop.
- I kind of like that.
- I could see me playing a cop.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- You're the father.
- No fucking way.
I'm not playing that asshole.
It's the better part.
Yeah.
I'm the father.
It's Merc who's the villain here.
Don't be mad at me.
Be mad at him.
I think there's enough mad for both of you.
- QVT - Oh, Jesus.
Wants you to front a line of Matt LeBlanc vests.
- What do I have to do? - Nothing.
You stand there in your vest.
You take a few calls.
You watch the tote board go up.
It's like a telethon, only you're the disease.
- How soon would this happen? - As soon as the little children finish sewing the buttons on.
It's not really kids making them, right? No! [KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
quirky music [GUNSHOT.]
[KEYS CLACKING.]
Hey, what are you doing here? Uh, the pitch? - We're supposed to go over - Yes, yes.
Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
- How was the show? - Ugh.
We had to stop tape.
You know the black girl on the end? She got a fungal infection.
Had to drop out.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
They think she caught it from the bats.
There were bats? Oh, yeah.
I'm telling you.
This shit ain't Wheel of Fortune.
Uh, so, whenever you're ready, we could, um Oh, yeah, yeah.
I am ready.
Go.
Okay.
Well We're gonna start by talking about how right now, in the television landscape, there's really nothing with a great, complicated father-son relationship.
Hey, my vests are here! Parakeets have a longer attention span.
These are the ones I'm selling on QVT this weekend.
Is this the first time you're seeing these? - Yep.
- What if you don't like them? Well, I'm allowed to kill all the ones I really, really hate.
And what about the ones you only sort of hate? They get to become genuine Matt LeBlanc vests.
- This isn't bad.
- Oh.
It has a remarkably abrasive quality.
Can this technically be called a fabric? Who cares? It just has to look good on TV.
- Much like you.
- Ah, ha-ha.
The patterns are certainly lively.
I like a garment that can cause a seizure.
Hey, these guys know what sells.
Are they giving off a sort of [SNIFFING.]
toxic Well, it's probably just the bags.
Could be the vests.
Yep.
Could be.
Right.
So, back to the pitch? Ah.
You know what? I'll hear it at the pitch.
Want to grab dinner? - I'll go change.
- [BEVERLY.]
Fine.
We'll wait for you out in the hall.
Anything to get away from that smell.
It's like a fashion statement and a gas leak.
[CHUCKLES.]
And then he walks into the empty garage, and there's just a note, and it says, "Thanks.
Dad.
" And we see the frustration on William's face.
And then we cut to Dick driving down the coast - in the Lamborghini.
- Ahh.
And that's the end of the pilot.
- Great.
- So great.
Mmm.
And there's definitely a procedural element each week.
You've got crimes and cases and standalone stories.
But at its heart is this complicated, damaged, wonderfully fucked up father-son relationship.
[SEAN.]
Even though William absolutely knows that his father is a devious, manipulative shit - Thank you very much.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
he's so charming and clever that he always draws him back in.
And that's basically the show.
[APPLAUSE.]
[HELEN.]
I think it's really interesting.
- Very.
- Mmm.
There's a lot more comedy than I was expecting.
It's really more of a dramedy.
Oh, well, it-it doesn't have to be.
Oh, no, that's actually good for us.
Oh, good.
God knows if anyone can write dramedy.
[LAUGHING.]
They're funny, but not always.
[ROGER.]
We think it's a great project for Matt.
- Really unexpected.
- [HELEN.]
I totally agree.
- [HELEN.]
I also really like - You're leaking.
- What? - You're leaking.
[HELEN.]
explore that even more, and maybe bring in Oh.
Excuse me.
I have to go pump.
Every time she says that, I think I'll never get an erection again.
[SCATTERED CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
- [HELEN.]
I think we're good.
- [SEAN.]
Yeah.
I say we move forward with this.
- [SEAN.]
Oh, great! - [ANDY.]
Oh! - [EILEEN.]
Wow.
- [HELEN.]
Thank you so much.
- [ALL.]
Yess! - [MATT.]
Great.
[HELEN.]
Actually, Beverly if you could hang for a minute.
I'd love to have a quick chat.
Oh.
Absolutely.
[SIGHS.]
Feels like I've been called into the headmistress' office.
I need you to convey a message for me.
All right.
Tell your friend she's making a big mistake.
I assume you're talking about Carol, as she is the queen of big mistakes.
Would you care to be more specific? She filed a sexual harassment suit against the network.
Really? Apparently, I "harassed" her.
I think you can drop the "air quotes.
" - I was there.
- [SCOFFS.]
You know no, never mind.
What? No.
Sean would kill me.
Then definitely say it.
You totally brought this on yourself.
Excuse me? You took this wonderful relationship, and you absolutely wrecked it.
She really cared for you.
You were the first boss that actually made her happy.
Uh, I think if anyone got in the middle of our relationship Oh, please.
[SCOFFS.]
I know you'd like to believe that, but I have never, ever been interested in Carol or women.
Oh, don't give me the eyebrow.
You are basing this entirely on a haircut, which is it's so clichéd and stereotypical.
- It's Carol loved you.
- She said that? Not in those words, but I know it's true, and you got paranoid and crazy, and you broke her heart.
Wow.
By the way, it wasn't just the haircut.
Meaning? I got a vibe.
- A vibe? - Yeah, I felt it.
[SCOFFS.]
Sorry, no vibe.
Look, I get it.
I was married.
It's a big leap.
Nope.
No leap.
- No vibe, no leap.
- Fine.
Whatever.
But for what it's worth I think the haircut is pretty hot.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm telling you.
- It's functional.
- Bullshit.
It's strong.
I like the way it frames your face.
Well, that's-that's very kind.
I'm not kind.
I think it's sexy.
[STAMMERS AND SNORTS.]
Right.
Very good.
[STAMMERS.]
Nice [CLEARS THROAT.]
Chat.
[EXHALES.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello.
How fun was that? Obviously, we have different definitions of the word "fun.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I was thinking we should send something nice to Matt from the three of us.
Does he drink champagne? I'd say you're safe with any liquid that doesn't come from a tap.
And why are we sending this now? Just congratulations.
You know, his company's first time at bat, and they sold something.
His company? His production company.
Matt has a production company? Shooting LeBlancs.
Isn't that hysterical? Again, we have different definitions of the word So when you say his production company sold this Right.
His company's producing it.
He's an executive producer.
So is Roger.
Wait, his agent is an executive producer on our show? He's his manager now.
- He switched.
- He switched? So he could be an executive producer on your show.
Why do you think he was at the pitch this morning? I don't know.
Why are any of you anywhere? [CHUCKLES.]
Also his partner Evan Shimkin.
- Whose partner? - Roger's.
Is an executive producer on our show? Have you not met Evan? No, we've only seen you three times.
[LAUGHS.]
Roger and Evan are partners.
They're Riskin Shimkin.
[BEVERLY.]
And what exactly will "Riskin Shimkin" be doing on our show? Nothing.
Don't worry.
You'll never see them.
And they get paid for this? Well, they have to get paid.
- So they do nothing - Uh-huh.
- And still get the title - Yes.
- And the money? - And points.
- Points? - Right.
[BEVERLY.]
And these points come from? You.
Why can't they come from Matt's points? Well, they do, but Matt's points come from your points.
So do we have any points left? Absolutely.
Just not as many.
Unbelievable.
Anything else we should know but don't know? I don't think so.
Oh, FYI, Matt wants a shared "created by" credit.
F-U, FYI! I don't appreciate being spelled at like that.
He didn't create anything.
- No? - No! He bought office supplies.
He made sandwiches.
He wrote a few words on the board.
We created the show.
We developed it.
We invented the characters.
He never even heard the bloody pitch until this morning.
So what should I tell them? - No! No! - No! Tell them no! Yeah, he's not gonna get a "created by" credit.
You don't get something for nothing.
Unless you're Evan Shimkin.
[LIVELY RINGTONE PLAYS.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Yo.
So I just got a call from Eileen.
- Who? - Their agent.
You just spent 45 minutes with her.
Yeah, so? They're saying no to the "created by" thing.
What? Bullshit.
I've been part of this every step of the way.
Who do you think bought the fucking pads and pens? I'm just telling you what she said.
The whole thing is based on me and my father.
Doesn't get any more "created by" than that.
I hear you.
Yeah, well, push back.
Tell 'em it's a deal breaker.
Fuck them.
[SEAN.]
Hello? So I just got off with Roger.
- And? - Yeah, it's a deal breaker.
- What? No! - What? Matt feels that because the show's based on him and his father That's ridiculous.
That's like saying the bear should have a piece of The Revenant.
[EILEEN.]
Absolutely.
- I mean, he's just being piggy.
- Uh-huh.
This is the one thing he doesn't get.
[MATT.]
They came up to my ranch.
I was in the room with them the whole time.
- We were all pitching stuff.
- I get it.
[MATT.]
And who the fuck are they to say no? What have they done? One failed series and a thing they walked away from? He's a '90s TV star coasting on fumes from a show that's been off for 13 years! He's a game show host! Selling waistcoats on television! And he gets to dictate all the demands? They're being assholes, and I'm gonna tell 'em.
- Do not tell them.
- I'm gonna tell 'em.
- I'm gonna tell 'em right now.
- No.
Listen to me.
Don't poison the water.
I will sort this out.
That's what I do.
Let me get into it with Roger.
You make nice.
I'll solve this.
- I hate this! - I hate it! I always said he was a monster.
It's fucking bullshit.
- Hey! - Oh! Greetings! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, yeah.
- Hey! Yeah! - All right! - Let's celebrate this thing.
- Yeah.
Let's do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKING.]
[KNOCKING.]
I can see you in there.
I have bagels.
[BEVERLY.]
Poppy seed bagels.
I have several other Semitic treats.
I never said I didn't like Jews! Semitic.
Not anti-Semitic.
Oh.
All right, that's it.
I've left enough apology messages.
I'm not gonna say it again.
I'm leaving the food.
By the way, there's a chocolate Babka that will make you convert.
Oh, and I spoke to Helen about you.
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
What did she say? - Good morning to you.
- Talk.
She told me about the lawsuit.
I'm very impressed.
Yeah, well, I need the money.
What else? Just that she thinks you're making a big mistake.
Why? 'Cause no one will ever hire me again? Oh, wait.
No one's hiring me now! Look.
- I know it's been hard.
- It doesn't matter.
- Meaning? - Meaning I'm done.
I'm going back to Michigan.
To do what? To have the damn baby.
So you're still planning on having "the damn baby"? Yup.
What about Merc? Fuck Merc.
So you're doing this by yourself? My mother'll help.
And you know what? This baby won't fire me.
This baby won't cheat on me.
This baby will love me.
Unconditionally.
For now.
I can't think of anything more conditional than how I feel about my mother.
And your mother's okay with this? I don't know.
We're not talking.
Ah.
Check the freezer.
What am I looking for? Dope.
Last Christmas, my dealer gave me a free ounce, so I hid it, but I was stoned when I did it, so.
Got it.
Anything? Frozen peas, looks like it could've been a chicken breast, and ice cubes.
Shit! Try behind that painting.
Seriously? It's not like you were hiding diamonds from the Nazis.
You know, if you're here to judge, you can just take your Chewbacca and go.
Chocolate Babka.
Oh.
That actually sounds good.
- Mmm.
- You realize you're not having a pilot baby that you can simply cancel if it doesn't test well.
This baby is gonna run, whether it's good or not.
I know! You think I haven't given this a lot of thought? Then why are we still searching for your stash? Not everyone says it's bad for you.
I Googled it.
There's a gray area.
You don't want to have a baby in a gray area.
[IMITATING BEVERLY.]
You also don't want to have a baby [RESUMING NORMAL VOICE.]
when you're stressed.
And I am very, very stressed! [PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - [EILEEN.]
Hi, guys.
- Hi, Eileen.
- Eileen.
Ugh, I could just listen to those accents all day.
You know, it's funny, because to us, you're the one with the [EILEEN.]
So, I was thinking.
We should set up a little lunch tomorrow, just the three of us, so we can go over where we are with Matt and Roger.
And our partner, Evan Shimkin.
Exactly.
And where are we exactly? [EILEEN.]
Well, I just said to them, "Guys, listen.
These are two highly regarded, award-winning writers.
They had the original idea for this show.
They created the characters, they developed the story, and they feel strongly that they have earned a sole 'created by' credit.
" - And? - Yeah, they're not budging.
Brilliant.
And this is all coming from Matt? Absolutely.
- Fucking Matt.
- So what do we do? I think we've just got to bite the bullet.
- So is that it? - Pretty much.
So then we don't need to have lunch.
Great! [PHONE CLICKS.]
[BEVERLY.]
God, it's beautiful.
[CAROL.]
Mm.
I'm gonna miss this.
Just look at it.
[SIGHS.]
We sure don't have this in Michigan.
Isn't there some big lake or something? Yeah, it's bullshit.
It's like someone tried to make an ocean and got it wrong.
Then why are you going there? It's a positive life choice.
Can we change the subject? I don't want to talk about me.
Words I thought I'd never hear.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what's up with you? How's the show? - You really care? - Hmm.
We got to talk about something.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, he's still insisting on "created by" credit.
So? Give it to him.
For what? He didn't do anything.
So? No one reads the credits.
And chances are your show's gonna die anyway.
Oh, loving those hormones.
You know how many shows make it past the first year? And out of those, you know how many actually make money I mean real money? It's like buying lottery tickets.
Just get a big producer fee up front and a nice penalty if they cut the order short.
Let him have his fucking credit.
Just make your show.
You're very good at this.
[SCOFFS.]
Lot of good it's gonna do me in stupid Michigan.
- Then why - Bah, bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.
You know, you're really starting to show.
I ate the whole Babka.
Oh.
[WOMAN.]
Take a close look at this.
Just look at the craftsmanship.
Every single stitch on this Matt LeBlanc vest is done by hand.
Hey, I wouldn't put my name on it if it weren't a beautifully constructed garment.
And it really, really is.
Just look at the detail.
[MATT.]
If you watch me on The Box [WOMAN.]
And who doesn't? [LAUGHS.]
[MATT.]
Then you know I love a well-made vest.
- Wanker.
- [MATT.]
When I was designing them, that was very important to me What are you watching? No! Apparently, he's a designer now.
He designed these.
He said these fabrics "speak" to him.
He actually said those words.
Oh, my God, don't do this to yourself.
- [SHUSHES.]
- Who are you talking to? [WOMAN.]
Look at Tyson in that gunsmoke! - What are you doing? - Still here.
- Whenever you're ready.
- No, no, no.
If you are about to do what I think you're no, listen to me.
No, Carol made a really compelling argument for letting this go.
Do not do something [WOMAN.]
We have a caller on the line from sunny California.
Hello, Sean, and thank you for shopping with Matt LeBlanc today.
It's a thrill.
[WOMAN.]
Is this your first time shopping with us? It sure is.
I'm just so excited to own a Matt LeBlanc original.
[WOMAN.]
Don't you just love that accent? Why do English people always sound so smart? [CHUCKLES.]
Not always.
I know some dumb English people.
[WOMAN.]
So, Sean, what is it about these fabulous Matt LeBlanc vests that caught your eye this afternoon? Well, they're just smashing.
[STAMMERS.]
Oh! Um, so, tell me, uh, Matt, you say you designed these all yourself? Uh-huh.
Well, of course you did.
You would never take credit for anything you didn't do.
[WOMAN.]
So, Sean, which of these beauties do you want to get in on today? Oh, it's so difficult to decide.
I just wish I could touch them.
They all look so deliciously abrasive.
Yeah.
They are pretty rugged.
[SEAN.]
I bet they are.
If you ask me, there's nothing like a waistcoat that could take - the paint off a car.
- [BEVERLY GASPS.]
[WOMAN.]
They're definitely manly, confident, and very, very classy.
Of course they are.
They reek of class.
Speaking of which, tell me about the smell.
[WOMAN.]
The smell? Yeah, they look like they give off a nice - formaldehyde-y scent.
- [WHISPERS.]
Oh, my God! Ah, why don't we just take another call? I think that's a good idea.
- One last quick question.
- No Matt, uh, you were saying, um, earlier about the craftsmanship.
- Uh-huh.
- [WOMAN.]
That's right.
Each of these Matt LeBlanc vests are meticulously hand-stitched.
It is amazing what those little Sri Lankan children can do with their tiny, tiny fingers.
[WOMAN.]
Okay, Sean, thanks for shopping with us today.
- Hello? Hello? - Enjoy your handsome - Hello? Hello? - Matt LeBlanc vest.
Hello? [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
It's open.
Oh, look, it's Sean from England.
May I just say I'd had more than a few beers.
Something I believe you can relate to.
And sometimes, when that happens, we do things we regret, which is something I know you can relate to.
So far, worst fucking apology ever.
Right.
I'm an asshole.
Better.
- Your wife put you up to this? - No, no.
But she did make me see that this whole credit thing really doesn't matter.
Bullshit.
No, no, I realize it matters to you.
Not just me.
[SCOFFS.]
You know how many fuckin' shows are on right now? You want to get lost in all that? You tell me Matt LeBlanc's gonna be in some father-son thing, who gives a crap? But tell me Matt LeBlanc created a show about his piece-of-shit con man father, and LeBlanc's playing his piece-of-shit con man father? I'd set my DVR for that.
Then it's got to be good.
But that's your fucking problem.
I'm gettin' the eyeballs to the set.
- Right.
- It's like those stupid vests.
Show me Matt LeBlanc wearing a vest, so what? Tell me Matt LeBlanc designed that vest, then you know what? You sell out all those fuckin' vests.
You did not.
Every single itchy, stinky one.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations.
That is positively terrifying.
Well, not all of them.
I saved one.
Dear God, what is that? My penance.
[GASPS.]
I could smell you coming in.
I know.
I feel like Karen Silkwood.
I think it's safe to assume I already have cancer.
Please put it out in the garage.
Maybe it'll dissipate.
That thing looks like America threw up.
Hmm.
- So you sorted it out with him? - [SEAN.]
It's sorted.
- And he's all right? - [SEAN.]
He's all right.
- And you're all right? - I'm all right.
I just need a shower.
Then let's bloody write something.
- Fine.
- Did you get a haircut? It was free.
[GROANS.]
I knew I should've gone.
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
- [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
Wow, look at this.
- I'm a writer.
- [SEAN.]
Mm-hmm.
If you can believe everything you read.
Well, it's very, very cool and very appreciated.
- What are you doing? - Reading it.
- No, not here.
Not now.
- No, no, no.
Well, come on.
I'm excited.
Wait till you get home.
When you can concentrate and not get pizza sauce all over it.
Fine.
I can get pizza sauce on it at home just as easy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GROANS.]
So it's gonna be that kind of night.
Totally that kind of night.
We got to celebrate this thing.
Here's to the untitled Matt LeBlanc pilot.
- Catchy.
- Thank you.
Couldn't have done it without you.
- Yeah.
- [BEVERLY LAUGHING.]
[MATT SLURS.]
We get one more bottle? - [SEAN.]
Oh, no.
- [BEVERLY.]
Oh, my God.
Ah, come on.
For for dessert.
- Worst AA meeting ever.
- [BEVERLY LAUGHS.]
Can I just say You're not making another speech.
Yeah.
I'm making another speech.
Look, we don't know what's gonna happen with this.
You're right.
There's sauce on it.
[GROANS.]
We don't know what's going to happen Mm.
But the one thing I do know is that this this, right here? This is the best part of all of this.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Hear, hear.
Mmm? [GLASSES CLINKING.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- You too? - Oh, let's not.
[GROANS.]
- Beh-beh-beh-beh-beh.
I have two brothers.
- Two horrible - Horrible, horrible.
The little one? [GROANS AND SHIVERS.]
[CONTINUES GROANING.]
- Finished? - [GROANS.]
But I never dreamt that I would find someone who actually feels more like a brother than either of them.
Aww.
No, no, no, you don't you don't have to no, no, no, you don't no, you don't no, you don't don't need to do that.
You really no, you really don't.
No, you don't.
You don't.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah, come on.
All right, then.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Yeah - [LAUGHS.]
- Mwah! - Yeah.
- [SEAN SIGHS.]
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
Even if sometimes you are a douche nozzle.
To douche nozzles.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[SEAN.]
I know we left the restaurant.
I just don't remember getting here.
He does know how to have a good time.
Three bottles of wine doesn't hurt.
Three? Try five.
- No.
- Yes.
- We had five bottles of wine.
- Oh, my God.
I'm actually sweating a nice Brunello.
[LAUGHS.]
And you know, for him, this is just, like, Thursday.
What do you keep looking at? I know it's stupid, but I thought maybe he'd read it tonight.
Better he reads it when he's not shit-faced.
[SIGHS.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
- [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
[BEVERLY.]
Stop looking.
It'll ding when he writes.
These may still be dirty.
Should we text him? It just makes us seem so needy.
- We are needy.
- I know.
But it's too pathetic.
These are dirty.
He's got to have read it by now.
Well, you don't know.
He's like a goldfish.
The minute we leave his field of vision, he forgets we exist.
So maybe a text to nudge him a bit? - No.
- No? - No.
- Aah! - [KEYS CLACKING.]
- [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
- I'm texting.
- Fine, text.
How about, "Thoughts?" You know, nonchalant, one word.
"Thoughts," question mark.
Or maybe, "Thoughts," comma, "you inconsiderate fucker," question mark.
That's a little more emphatic than I was going for.
I have no problem with that.
[PHONE KEYS CLICKING.]
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
- [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
- - [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
- Maybe he was in an accident.
He could be dead for all we know.
He'd better be.
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
- [SEAN.]
Hello? [EILEEN.]
Hi, guys.
I just heard from Roger.
And? He spoke to Matt.
And? He's passing.
- He's what? - Who's what? - Matt.
- Is passing? Right.
[SEAN.]
He can't pass.
He co-created it.
I know.
So, so, so that's it? He's, he's, he's just passing? Well, there is an upside.
He wants his name off it, so now you can have sole credit.
When did this happen? Right after he read it.
[WHISPERING.]
Cobb salad.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
Quirky music [KEYS CLACKING.]
[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS.]
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Obviously you have a problem with the script.
It's just (WHINING) (WHINES) (GRAND INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Every shitty thing comes back to you! From ruining (UNCLEAR).
Fucking my wife! You should be ready for the questions.
Is this the first time that you'd ever been with a woman? - Yes! - Was it? Once at theatre camp.
I'm doing another show.
You're what? You're the abusive boyfriend we never had.
You don't think there's love here? BOTH: No!