Futurama s05e06 Episode Script

Less Than Hero - Your call is being - Connected.
By SewerCom.
Reach out and touch the sewers.
Look, Morris! It's Leela calling! Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Ready for your big trip to the surface? We're excited, honey, but we don't want to embarrass you.
I mean, your mother and I are basically monsters.
Dad, relax.
You are being so mutant.
I found this adorable little bag to wear over my head.
And it was on sale! No one's wearing anything adorable over their head.
Now listen.
I could never, ever be ashamed of my parents.
I'll see you this weekend.
Hey, guess who I just got off the video phone with.
- No! - My parents! They're coming up from the sewers for a visit Sunday.
Are you off your rocket? Your parents are mutants.
It's illegaI for them to come above ground because they're inferior genetic scum.
Present company excluded, of course.
I'm getting them a speciaI one-day surface permit from city hall.
While you're there, could you get me a license to kill? Sure.
Bare hands or weapon? What does piano wire count as? Good news, anyone.
The Swedish robot from Pi-kea is here with the super-collider I ordered.
Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.
Let's see what tools we'll need.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
All right, we're all set.
Nothing like the rustic wholesomeness of working with one's own hands.
There.
Finished.
And only six missing pieces.
Those Swedes know how to put in almost everything you need.
Man, I'm sore all over.
I feeI like I just went 10 rounds with mighty Thor.
I feeI like I was mauled by Jesus.
I've got just the thing.
Genuine miracle cream I bought from a traveling salesman.
"Come one, come all! " he said.
"Step right up! " "This sounds too good to be true," I thought.
He said I looked like a smart young man! "So is it a deaI?" I inquired.
Two hours later, he was gone with 60 of my dollars! But I had the miracle cream.
Bad news, nobody.
The super-collider super exploded! I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Do you have a minute? I live in Jersey City.
My car broke down, and my aunt's sick.
She needs this medicine, but I need bus money, so I'm mugging you.
- Hand over your wallets! - I don't believe that story for a second.
- It doesn't matter, I'm mugging you! - There's no bus to Jersey City.
Give me your wallets now, or my robot will shoot! Don't make me hurt you.
I'm too scared to find my pocket.
Here, I'll just take off my pants and give you those.
Hey! I don't like what I'm seeing! Give it to him, Andrew! Give it to him again, Andrew! What the-? Laser-proof shirts, huh? Well, I'll show you! Hey! Quit it! - Foiled.
And after years of planning.
- You're out of the gang.
How did we manage to survive? What gave us those strange powers? Maybe we're wearing magic rings, but they're invisible so we don't even realize it.
Also, you can't feeI the rings.
Fry! Shut up and look at this! "May cause super powers in humans.
" Wow! A super-powers drug you can just rub into your skin? You'd think you'd have to freebase it.
Let's see, which powers do we have? "Super strength"? - Yep.
- "Lickity speed"? Check.
- Yes, sir.
"Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures.
" - Hey, Zoidberg, get in here! Screw you! - Ain't got that.
- Nope.
Wow! Super powers! I'll be able to pack my day with twice as many humdrum activities.
Leela, I think you're missing the big picture.
When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy? - To have parents.
- Whatever.
The correct answer is, to be a superhero! We have super powers, and we're Americans.
This is our chance.
Hm.
I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence.
- Let's do it! - You'll barely regret this.
Hey! A friend of mine said he mugged you today, and you had super powers! It's true.
Thanks to this funky-fresh cream.
Now me and Leela are forming an awesome crime-fighting duo! Wow! Crime fighting! CooI! You say you're a duo? Yeah, duos are good.
Of course, sometimes they're a little short-handed.
See you.
With two humans, you'd think there'd be a robot in there to balance things out.
But whatever.
I have these three costumes you could use, but I guess I'll just throw one away.
We'd love to have you on the team.
But aren't you more on the supply side of crime? Plus, the cream won't give you super powers.
You're a robot.
So? I'm already super strong, and my arms do this: Also, I got this going: Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town! - And we're- Quiet! It's 4 a.
m and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Sorry! - A new era of justice has begun.
What? Attention all crooks, lowlifes and lawbreakers.
Do yourselves a favor and crawl back into your filthy tenements you human cockroaches, or get your ugly face punched to custard by the New Justice Team! - Captain Yesterday! - Clobberella! And Super King! The best one of the three! Yow! Ta-da! Captain Yesterday, I find your skintight high-waters incredibly sexy.
Let's get together sometime.
Sure! I'm listed in the phone book, so once I reveaI my reaI name along with my address and a copy of my birth certificate- Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret.
- From everybody? - Especially from everybody! Give severaI reasons why.
For one, superheroes cause a lot of collateraI damage and we don't want to get our butts sued.
Or do we? No, I guess not.
Also, if our identities get out, every crook in the city will be after us.
- Or, God forbid, our loved ones.
- Super King has no need for loved ones.
How you doing, kid? There you go.
Two one-day mutant surface passes.
Thank you, Mayor Poopenmeyer.
Mayor here.
What's that? A horrible crime in the works? Ruthless villain? Citizens in danger? That's fantastic news! Because I get to summon the New Justice Team! Shh.
- They're usually here by now.
- Well, so long.
Keep in touch.
Wait! Stay and meet the superheroes! There's three of you and three of them, so it'll be perfect! Is this clown on? Where are those daring crime-stoppers? Oh, I completely forgot! I left my apartment on fire! As for me, I'm late for my LSATs.
And I can't take life anymore! Clobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege.
You're just in time.
We've received a tip that the Museum of NaturaI History will be robbed tomorrow at exactly 9 a.
m.
The target: the priceless Quantum Gemerald.
Who's the perp? A dangerous villain known as the Zookeeper who commits crimes aided by a pack of highly trained animals! Pack of highly.
Got it! His crew includes a badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose.
An elephant who never forgets to kill.
And a seldom-used crab named Lucky, a.
k.
a.
Citizen Snips.
You can count on us, Mr.
Mayor! Justice away! Hold the elevator! We're in here too.
Leela, how you gonna meet your folks tomorrow? We've already scheduled the Zookeeper for a 9 a.
m.
foiling at the museum.
Not a problem.
I've cleverly arranged to meet my parents right there at the same museum at 10.
Nine, 10, a big fat hen.
The name's Bender.
I can't believe the Zookeeper is this late for his own heist.
It's just rude! TotaI hell! It's 10! I'm supposed to meet my parents, and I'm still in my secret costume! There they are! How can Leela not be here? Do you think she forgot? Relax.
I'm sure she's just ashamed of us.
Yo, freak jobs! Hit the nearest manhole, pronto-like! But we have passes that allow us to be up here.
From the mayor himself.
I don't know.
I never heard of no mayor.
The Zookeeper! Sorry I'm late.
Long story.
Now, everybody hit the deck! I'm cutting the entire line and stealing the exhibit! You're not stealing anything! Nobody hit the deck! Ah, the superheroes.
Or should I say, super zeros? - That was uncalled for.
- Animals, attack! Please do not feed the animals! You're going down, my friend! Down under! Man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar spectacle.
But a kangaroo boxing a robot? Now I'm afraid you've lost me.
Citizen Snips! Nice job, Fingers.
I'm scared and confused.
I think we wandered into an off-Broadway play.
No, there are way too many people here.
Later, if anyone asks when I got away, tell them right now! Forget it, Zookeeper.
You're going into captivity! FooI! A quip about putting me behind bars would have been far more delicious! - Here, catch! - No, Fry! You can't fall fast enough! I got it! I got it! I don't got it! You saved the Gemerald! Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving that the deadliest animaI of all - is the Zookeeper.
- You can get off me anytime.
Oh, no! My parents are leaving! I've gotta go change back into street Leela.
It's the New Justice Team! - Thank you, mysterious heroes! The value of the Gemerald you saved is slightly greater than the cost of the damage you caused to this museum! A net gain for our great city! It's good that Leela doesn't love us.
She'll be less sad when we die.
Ow.
Mom? Dad? I showed up! And I got the audio tour for Treasures of Liberace's Tomb! Sweetie, it's okay.
You don't have to apologize for standing us up on the only visit to the surface we'll ever have.
I want to tell you why I didn't show up, but I can't.
Just please believe me that it was a very good reason.
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
Leela, you could never disappoint us.
We're so proud of everything that you are, and we always will be.
Because you're our baby girI.
Oh, I can't take it! Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella! - Galloping gators! - You're a superhero? Well, that's wonderfuI! But did you have to make the costume so revealing? Look at me! Proud dad of a superhero! We should print up T-shirts! And F-shirts for our friends with two arms on the same side! No, listen, it's very important that you never, ever tell anyone under any circumstance.
- What if I've had a few? - Dad, you drink? - No, not even then! - All right.
My sucker is sealed.
In fact, I shouldn't even be wearing this around here.
- It was brisk.
I dressed in layers.
- That's my girI.
- So anyway, my daughter's Clobberella.
- Leela is Clobberella? - You're pulling me! - Keep it under your sock.
It's a big secret.
That's why I'm only telling you two.
Oh, my God! That guy's daughter is Clobberella! - But don't tell anyone.
- Gotcha! Greetings, superheroes.
Remember me? I don't remember much, buddy! And you're no looker.
- Professor, isn't it time for your nap? - Yes, damn it! Zookeeper, how did you know our reaI identities? Let's just say a little bird told me.
Leela told her parents.
Leela's parents blabbed.
Leela? Is the person that parrot is mimicking telling the truth by proxy? Yes.
My parents were so hurt, I couldn't help it.
But I distinctly told them not to tell anyone.
We are not amused! And here's something you may or may not find interesting.
- Mom! Dad! - Leela, please forgive us! Especially your father, who's the one who told.
Thank you very much, Morris! - Are you all right? Has he hurt you? - No, but my allergies are going nuts.
oh, God! Every couch and table has animal fur all over it.
He lets them climb on everything! All right, Zookeeper, what do you want? Why, the Quantum Gemerald, of course.
You must steal it for me by midnight or your parents will be devoured by piranhas that I have, shall we say persuaded to walk on dry land.
Save us, Leela! I mean, if you don't have anything better to do! We're out of options.
We have to steaI the Gemerald.
But should superheroes commit a crime? Even to save lives? I need moraI guidance! Bender? The thought of stealing anything fills Super King with disgust.
But if it must be so, then let a museum heist be pulled! Oh, no! Our super-power cream is out of itself! Check inside the cap.
There might be a caked-in gold mine.
El zilcho.
I'm afraid we're boned.
El zilcho.
Hey, is it too late to change my superhero name? Just be cooI.
Nobody knows we're super-powerly challenged.
Man, this costume is so damn heavy.
Hey, Captain Yesterday? Can I, like, waiI on you with this two-by-four - and it doesn't hurt you? - Ow! That didn't hurt.
Hi, superheroes.
Everything okay? Big O, little K, my friend.
Just checking if everything's all right.
- It's okay, all right.
- Okay, then.
Grab it! Yo! The superheroes have turned eviI! Most uncooI! Get them! Stay back, or we'll beat the tar out of you using super powers! Whoo-ooah.
- So this is your lair? - Of course not! You think I'd show you my lair? My lair's a million times nicer than this.
Okay.
Take it easy.
Well, here's your lousy Gemerald.
Hawk, fetch! That seemed unnecessary.
Our transaction is complete.
Come, Solomon, to the lair! Mom! Dad! Oh, I'm so sorry I got you kidnapped by a crazy madman who tried to feed you to piranhas.
We're just happy to be involved in your life.
No, no, it's my fault - for telling you I was a superhero.
- That's true.
I just couldn't stand to have you think I was ashamed of you.
That's sweet, honey.
But it's naturaI for children to be a little ashamed of their parents.
- Oh, yeah.
- Just like it's naturaI for parents to be a little disappointed in their children.
Not that we are.
- But you could call a little more often.
- Okay.
And would it kill you to use some mouthwash? Hey, Fry, we've still got our costumes on.
Wanna steaI some more stuff? I guess.
As long as you think it's right.
Superheroes away!