In Living Color (1990) s05e06 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
Hi! I'm Rush Limbaugh.
And I'm Al Sharpton.
And we've put aside our differences to bring you.
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Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud Men's Shop! Now, you may be asking yourself.
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what could I have in common with Hitler's chunky nephew? Yes, and what could I possibly have in common with this pork chop with a pompadour? Well, we both have an insatiable appetite for power.
And for pizza! Along with a taste for clothes with elastic waistbands! That's right.
I see it's not just your politics that lean to the right.
Yes, it's true.
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we get a little loud and overbearing.
But you won't mind when we put you in a suit.
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for the price of a good perm, a curl and a case of Dark and Lovely! - Isn't that right, Pillsbury Dough Boy? - Right you are, Rerun! Hey, hey, hey! And, unlike "the reverend," our tailors are real men of the cloth.
Let some feminazi try and resist you in these attractive yet roomy slacks.
Feels good to have bobo at your feet, doesn't it, bro? Now, take a look at this baby.
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specially designed by me with talent on loan from God.
At only 149.
99, even you lazy welfare freeloaders can afford it.
- He normally wears a hood with that white suit! - That's right.
And it doesn't matter what if you're big or loud.
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'cause we got sizes for everybody.
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large, larger and the new Malcolm X-tra large.
Now, don't worry about getting food all over your new suit.
All of Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud suits.
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come with our patented eater's side air-bib! Now, that's convenience.
! I have a dream.
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that I would one day fit in a 32 waist.
- Keep dreaming, pal.
- Get your pink, sweaty white hands off me, bobo.
Oh! Are you gonna start crying, Rodney King? Oh, look! There goes Martina Navratilova kissin' all over your mama! So maybe we all can't get along.
But we can all get a long coat, a sport jacket and two pairs of trousers.
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for under $200.
That's right.
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under $200.
At Rush 'N' Al's, we've got the suit for you, whether you're white or wrong.
And we're easy to find too.
Take a right on Martin Luther King Boulevard.
And just keep heading west until you smell the tender, flaky apple fritters.
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leading you to our spacious outlet.
- So come on down! - To Rush 'N' Al's Big & Loud Shop.
Our stomachs are inflated! But our prices are not! Come on! Let's go and eat! Hi, this is Kitty Singleton in the Fox News room.
Joining us is the director of Housing and Urban Development, Mr.
Richard Sullivan.
Mr.
Sullivan, how have the recent budget cuts affected HUD? Terribly.
Our agency was one of the hardest hit by the cutbacks.
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largely due to the negative press over past scandals.
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which is tragic because low-income housing is essential to the welfare of the country.
By making cutbacks in our department.
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you are really shutting the door on the future of our children.
But what reassurances do we have that impropriety won't happen again? Well, I guess all you have is my word.
See, when the treasury was first set up, they lacked a mission statement.
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unclear goals of the department that allowed the situation to get way out of hand.
Employees were not required to get projects and loans approved through proper channels.
But since that time new rules have been implemented.
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which provide safeguards against that ever happening again.
You mentioned a mission statement.
What is HUD's mission statement? Well, I can't tell you the exact wording.
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but we are here to help provide low-income families the chance for affordable housing.
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and, in the process, help develop the inner city.
How will the cuts in the budget hurt HUD? Kitty, the budget cuts were based on the idea.
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that the interest rate would fall below four percent.
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thus lowering the need for HUD dollars.
But the interest rate has remained constant.
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which will deplete the funds that HUD has allowed for low-interest loans.
What exactly is HUD doing to revitalize the nation's crime-ridden public housing? Well, as you know, there are over 3.
4 million Americans.
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living in public housing.
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and HUD has delegated over $483,000,000.
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for rebuilding and security purposes.
We are hoping to improve the housing department.
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so that the families can once again feel secure in their own home.
But won't the cutbacks be detrimental to public housing? No.
Regardless of presidential budget cuts.
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public housing is our number-one priority.
So I would like to reassure the low-income tenants that even though the president.
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is retreating from urban homesteading.
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the housing department will not abandon these people.
Now, what projects can we expect to see from HUD in the near future? Oh, well, to name all the goals of HUD would be futile.
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considering the time allotted here.
But I can tell you that the new commission was designed.
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not only to help the consumer.
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but also the infrastructure of our inner cities.
Okay, now, you speak about public housing, but what about the first-time home buyer? With proper employee verification we can ensure that those people.
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will be first on the list to get homes with substantial down payments.
Well, I want to thank you very much, Mr.
Sullivan.
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for taking time out of your busy schedule and joining us here today.
- It's been my pleasure.
- This has been Kitty Singleton, live for Fox News.
Good night.
[R&B.]
[Ends.]
[Announcer.]
And now, a few minutes with Randy Rooney.
Did you ever notice how many myths there are about black people? Why is it white people say we all look alike? I get Gary Coleman and Shaquille O'Neal confused all the time.
And why do they always tell me some of their best friends are black.
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yet you never seem to see them with their best friends? [Pager Beeping.]
How come when a black man's beeper goes off, he's a wanted felon.
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but when a white guy's beeper goes off, he's a-wanted in surgery? And why is it that every government report that comes out about black people.
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makes our future seem so bleak? We've got high blood pressure, high cholesterol.
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high triglycerides, high sodium.
The only thing that's low is our pay.
[Siren Blaring.]
Did you ever notice that the police seem to always pull you over.
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when you're hanging with the homeboys? Their idea of a warning is a Taser blast.
And those Taser darts hurt! Ouch! These are one of those flesh-colored Band-Aids.
Whose flesh are they talking about anyway? Certainly not ours.
And when the police pull you over.
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why do you always seem to fit the description.
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of a suspect they're looking for? Kind of makes you think it's a conspiracy, doesn't it? Do you ever wonder why white women always clutch their purses when a brother walks by? They think we're all criminals.
Jeffrey Dahmer was white, but I don't think every white person I see wants to eat me.
And you know what really bugs me? Why is it a Soul Train? I guess if it were a Soul Buick, the cops would pull it over.
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because Don Cornelius fit the description.
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of a suspect they're looking for.
[Announcer.]
And that was a few momentsof dissing with Randy Rooney.
- What'll you have, pal? - Uh, uh, uh.
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- How much.
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How much.
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How much for a beer? - Uh, dollar-50.
Dollar-50? Good Lord! That's a lot of money for a beer.
Uh, uh, uh.
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How much for a light beer? - 1.
50.
- 1.
50? Good Lord! That don't sound too light to me.
Uh, uh, wh-why don't you wring out the dirty bar rag in my mouth? Yeah.
Uh, I can't do that, man.
Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, uh, how much for a virgin daiquiri? - Uh, that'll be 2.
50.
- 2.
50! Good Lord! How 'bout I give you 30 cents, and you give me a Kool-Aid with six kids? - I can't do it, man.
- How 'bout.
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How 'bout wine? How 'bout some wine? - Three dollars.
- Three bucks! Good Lord! How 'bout I give you 32 cents.
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and you give me a rum Lifesaver and a glass of water? Look, man, I poured a beer earlier.
You can go ahead and drink that, but when you finished, you got to get out of here, okay? Thanks a lot, man.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! How much for them pistachio nuts? Pistachios are a dollar, buddy.
A dollar for pistachio nuts! Good Lord! How 'bout I give you 14 cents, you let me suck them right off your fingers? Look, buddy.
Don't get smart with me.
I'll have you thrown out of here, all right? Don't make me call the bouncer.
Hey, hey.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Okay.
Hey, ladies.
How you doin'? What you listenin' to? - We're playin' some Bell Biv Devoe.
- Bell Biv Devoe, huh? - Uh, how much it cost? How much it cost? - Three dollars a song.
Three dollars a song? Good Lord! How 'bout I give you 25 cents, and you play some Ralph Tresvant? They don't even have Ralph Tresvant.
Why don't you just quit bothering us? Look, buddy, why don't you get away from the jukebox and stop bothering my customers? Why don't you give me another drink, and I'll just bother you? Don't push it.
Good man.
Good man.
Boy, you sure look good tonight, and I sure am horny.
Uh, how much it cost for some company? - Fifty bucks.
Let's go.
- Fifty bucks! Good Lord! Fifty bucks.
That's a lot of money.
Now, what do I get for that? I'll go home with you and take you to the moon, okay? Let's go.
How 'bout I give you $13, and you take me to El Segundo? Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks! That's a lot of money.
Okay, how 'bout I give you eight dollars, and you let me smell your bra? Look, I told you 50 bucks, okay? Okay, okay.
How much would it cost.
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How much would it cost me if I was to rub up against your leg like a dog? - Seventy bucks.
- Seventy bucks! Good Lord! Oh! Oh! How 'bout I give you four dollars, and you give me a Scooby Snack? Look.
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Look, swamp thing.
Why don't you just get the hell out of here? - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Is this creep botherin' you? - Yes, he is.
Hey, man, like I told you.
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I warned you, didn't I? Snooky! Get this guy out of here.
- With pleasure.
- Who's Snooky? I'm gonna punch you into next week, buddy.
Why don't you punch me into Wednesday? That's pay day! Hey! Hey! Snooky! Snooky! [R&B.]
[Soloing.]
[Ends.]
Yeah, right this way, now.
Uh, excuse me, but that girl's sitting in my seat.
Now, hold up, Uncle Remus.
Look, she's sittin' there 'cause I told her to sit there.
- But I got a ticket.
- I don't care if you got a ticket.
I want to hit on her.
I don't want to hit on you.
Now, sit down, Big Daddy Kane.
Yeah, s.
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sit down, Big-Big-Big Daddy Red.
Hey, hey, hold up, J.
J.
Walker and Carol Burnett.
[Cackling.]
What'd you say? Hi, I'm Nancy Axelrod.
This is my assistantJordan.
I called early for V.
I.
P.
Seats.
Oh, you called for V.
I.
P.
Seats? So you supposed to be sittin' over there, right? - That's right, yeah.
- No, that's wrong.
You ain't on the list.
- You don't even have a list.
- That's why you ain't on the list.
Yeah, I guess.
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I guess we-we-we call you listless, M-Muppet man.
All right, now, hold on just a second here.
I happen to be Marsha Warfield's agent, okay? Marsha Warfield.
So I suggest you treat us with a little more respect! I don't care if you're Marcia Brady's agent.
You're not getting those seats.
Well, this is absolutely unacceptable! The producer is gonna hear about this! - The producer, all right? - Get out of here.
What are you? A parrot? Hey, yo, man! This is what we used to do back in the day.
- [Rhythmic Sounds.]
- [Vocalizing.]
Yo, yo, yo, hold up, hold up.
Can't you see the sign? Ain't nobody allowed on the stage.
Yeah.
Y-You can't read? R-Reading's fundamental.
You better get h-hooked on phonics.
I can read the sign.
I'm the producer of the show.
Well, you know what? I wish I could let ya back, Mr.
Producer.
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but I happen to think that you're a liar.
Liar, pants on fire.
B-Bologna log.
- All right, look, boys.
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- Oh! Whoo! Boys! - It's on, it's on.
- After the Rodney King stuff, whoo! All right.
Listen up, you two.
Get back to work.
That's an order.
- You want fries with that? - Big Boy eat the "J" off ofJanuary.
I guess you need directions to your seat, my sister? No, I'm Marsha Warfield.
I just came to get a feel for the crowd.
- [Laughing.]
- [Muttering.]
Okay, anyway, so you're supposed to go tell some jokes and that type of stuff.
- The crowd'll be laughing and all that stuff, huh? - They'll go, "Hee-hee, ho-ho.
" Why do I get the feeling you two went to school on the little bus? How'd she know? Oh, yeah, I know you now.
You was on that show Night Court, right? You used to hang around, like, Harry and Dan and all that.
- Yo, who was that big bald-headed guy? - Bull.
You damn right it's bull! I don't believe you no Marsha Warfield! You got that right.
Ain't anybody seen you on the back page of Jet or in the damn middle.
- Look, Amos and Burrhead, if you don't mind.
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- I do mind! That's right, and a m-mind is a t-terrible thing to waste.
Don't you two have a car to jack somewhere? How did she know we had a car.
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Hey, look here.
If you was a man, I'd be bustin' your ass right about now.
If you was a man, I'd let you.
It's on! - It's on! - Excuse me! - Ms.
Warfield, is there a problem here? - Yes, there is.
Yeah, th-there is.
There's your problem right there! - Is that true? - No, there ain't no problem, man.
I was just gonna help Ms.
Warfield get backstage.
Let's go, Ms.
Warfield.
I'll escort you to the green room.
Thank you.
Here's a quarter.
Go buy yourself a personality.
Yeah, and with the change, buy yourself some class! And l-learn how to m-manage your emotions.
Uh, uh, I was just in the green room, 'cause.
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Yeah.
I'm gonna put you in the black and blue room! That's what's up! [Laughs.]
Let's do like old school.
- [Rhythmic Sounds.]
- [Vocalizing.]
Come on, put your hands together right now! Put your hands together! Keep it going! Let's give it up for the Guru's Jazzamatazz along with N'Dea Davenport.
You know it! [R&B.]
[Rapping.]
[Singing.]
[Continues.]
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[Ends.]