Key and Peele (2012) s05e06 Episode Script

Today on Judge Jessie, Judge Jessie turns up the heat.
You signed a piece of paper.
He gave you the snake.
Then you bring a snake into the home with two small Chihuahuas.
I had not been made aware that the snake would get rid of its skin, and then the sprinklers came down with the snakeskin, ruined my carpet.
What-- What set off the sprinklers? Unrelated popcorn fire, Your Honor.
Judge Jessie.
As a police officer, he defended the streets.
As a trial lawyer Objection! he fought for the truth.
As a black belt he mastered discipline.
As a carpenter, he learned the value of craftsmanship.
As a surgeon, he mastered a cool head.
As a crack ho, he learned to go days without sleep.
And as an announcer, he does the voice-over on this show.
Coming up on Judge Jessie Mr.
Simmons, before you speak, I know from experience that the police have completely mishandled your case, and there is legal precedent for you to win, and any good defense attorney would have told you that.
I also know that obviously the place where you hurt your back wasn't structurally up to code, Mr.
Oyama.
And furthermore, as a sensei, you should know a man of his skill set cannot do a Mike Yaki.
You should know that.
Obviously, I can tell by looking at your alignment that you've herniated a disc someplace in your L4 or your L5.
I'm finding for the plaintiff not $2,500, $2,700, Mr.
Oyama.
Thank you, Your Honor.
You're quite welcome.
Judge Jessie.
Dusty, can I suck your [bleep.]
? Okay, so give me-- just shout out, like, a character or, like, an occupation or something.
Okay, yeah.
Timid librarian.
Excuse me, sir.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Okay, but you're-- - You're-- Cut, cut.
- Shh.
- Cut, cut.
- Why you cutting library? Why? Okay.
I don't know.
Are you Vietnamese? All right, let me give you one.
Let me give you one.
- Yes.
Yeah, okay.
- Okay, you are-- Remember I'm driving, so You are a secure construction worker.
Okay, here we go.
You--you went to Penn State for grad school.
Me? No, I didn't go to Penn State for grad school.
Okay, there he is.
Hello.
I saw him.
I saw him.
For that second when we were in it, I saw him.
Damn, that's good.
That is some good [bleep.]
.
Noah Sanders.
Here for the job interview.
Please take a seat.
Mr.
Weinstein will see you next.
Job interviews, huh? Never fun.
Okay, just I get it.
Stay focused.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- Whoo-hoo! That was a big laugh.
Oh, no! - I did it! - No, you didn't! I did it.
Jeez.
Is this a job interview or The Carol Burnett Show? You know what I mean? Oh, sir, sir, sir.
- Oh, my God, that is too rich.
- Oh, well.
Thanks so much for coming in, Adam.
Of course, and you better stay away from that Chinese food there.
Oh, my God, you got that right.
That's done-- It's done a number on my stomach.
Here's your fortune.
You're gonna be sick in a half hour.
Oh, my gosh, what an absolute delight, Adam.
It's been great, and-- Can I tell you something real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't even care if I get this job because I know I've made a friend for life.
What a terrific attitude.
What a great goddamn attitude.
Yup.
You son of a gun.
You know what? Right quick, before you leave, I want to give you something.
No, sir, I can't take any more gifts.
This whole thing has been a gift.
My brother passed away.
Wow.
We were estranged, and he became ill, and he gave this to me as a peace offering.
Ohh.
And then one day when we were on the ocean, he fell overboard on a boat very much like this one and died.
I saw him struggling all the way as a riptide just pulled him down.
That bitch ocean.
Would you please accept this as a-- as a token of my gratitude for you bringing joy back into my life? Under any other circumstance, I would refuse, but I will accept this gift today because I know how much it means to you.
So I will.
Thank you.
Ahoy, matey.
Ahoy, matey.
How is that funny? Bernadette.
Bernadette.
- Are you hearing any of this? - Oh, my God.
This guy.
How do you keep a straight face all day? She's-- Isn't she sweet? Sweeter than pie.
Sweeter than pie.
Oh, my God.
God damn it, I love your [bleep.]
energy.
Well, what can I say, sir? I am solar powered.
Really? You like-- you like that one, huh? Oh, thanks so much, Adam.
Terrific.
Best interview I've ever been a part of in my entire life.
Okay, who's next? You? Ready? Let's go.
Chop-chop.
Here we go.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Requesting permission to come on board, sir.
Hi, Noah Sanders the name.
I'm sorry to hear about your brother.
Maybe we could get some Chinese food after this? All right.
All right.
Okay, take it easy.
Jeez, settle down, Turbo.
Oh, hold on a second.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hell no.
He did not just text me he working late.
That [bleep.]
is weak.
Okay.
You know what, working late, my ass.
If he don't walk through that door in the next half an hour, he may as well not even come home tonight 'cause I'm not gonna be there waiting for his cheating ass.
- Okay! - All right, girl? I ain't playing.
You know what I'm saying? I mean, I will be there waiting because-- But he gonna have to put up with a lot of [bleep.]
from me.
Okay.
And if he think he gonna do this [bleep.]
again, he is sorely mistaken Okay! Because my man gets one chance.
- Okay! - One.
- Okay! - And then after that, - he get one more - Okay And then after that, he gonna get three strikes.
- Then you're out.
- Okay And if I ever find out that my man was messing around on me, he better get as far away from me as he possibly can, because he do not want to get what I'm gonna give to him.
Okay.
I got my mother[bleep.]
real estate license Okay! But if and when he does come home, that's fine Okay.
'Cause he can go out and get all turnt up with these little side hos and whatnot 'cause you know what, bitch? He always gonna come home.
- All right? - Okay.
I'm the queen bee, and he always gonna come home to me.
- You know what? - Okay But you know what, but you know what, but you know what? - I don't even care.
- Oh, okay.
But I'll tell you what happen if he do come home.
Okay.
He ain't gonna be pulling any of that [bleep.]
in my house.
Okay He can come to the house if he wants to, but he ain't never gonna do that when I'm home.
- Okay.
- You know what? Even if I'm home, it's fine.
Okay You know what I'm talking about? Mm, okay.
'cause I don't give a good goddamn.
- Okay.
- That's what I'm talking about.
But he ain't gonna bring that [bleep.]
into my bedroom.
I tell you that much right now, okay? Okay.
'Cause there ain't no trifling-ass [bleep.]
gonna wake me up while he's cheating on me in my bed again.
Okay And I told him.
I looked him right in the face.
I said, "This is the fifth and last time that you"-- Okay! I couldn't have said it better myself, girl.
- You're right.
- Okay? You just been spouting words of wisdom all evening.
I ain't listening to a goddamn thing you saying.
Okay.
I don't even know what the hell I was thinking, girl.
You right.
The second that that man walks through that door, I'ma dump his ass.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
Oh, my gosh, speak of the devil.
Okay.
Okay.
You know who's-- You know who's a good actor, though, female-wise and otherwise? Meryl Streeps.
How you gonna have an entire career and never make a bad movie? Like, I can't think of a bad Meryl Streep movie.
Some people didn't like-- She made a move in the '80s with Robert De Niro.
Wasn't she in Weekend at Bernie's? I don't recall that, Jordan.
Yeah, she was the one that was making out with Bernie, and they were holding Bernie up, and he was hooking up with her.
That was Streep.
Pretty sure it might have been bizarro Streep, but it was not the regular Streep.
Yeah, people, early on, they'll do some things.
What are you talking about "early on"? That's not early on in her career.
- Yeah, I mean - What is wrong with you? Are you on drugs right now? Meryl Streep was not in Weekend at Bernie's! Don't say it again.
- Pretty sure she was.
- She was not, Jordan.
Jordan.
Hey dog.
What'd you get up to this weekend, though, dog? Ah, you know me, man.
Got up all up in that Redbox.
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah? - Yeah.
- You know who's good, though? - Who that, dog? Robert Downeys Juniors.
Robert Downeys Juniors, though, dog? Which one? - Which one? - Tony Starks, dog.
Tony Starks! Yeah, man.
- Tony Starks.
Iron Mans.
- Yo.
That man be building his own suit and everything and getting all witty with Pepper Pottsies.
Yeah, yeah.
Yo, yo, my man's got a glowing heart in that one.
Wan, wan, wan.
You give that [bleep.]
a statue for that alone.
- That's right there, man.
- Whoo! Definitely, dog, yo, but yo, another thing about RD Squared real quick? - Go to it.
- Sherlocky Holmes.
Sherlocky Holmesies.
- Sherlocky Holmes.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
When Sherlocksy Holmes is in that pit and he's fighting that dude.
Yeah, and he fighting that dude.
And then all of a sudden in his mind he made everything go in slow motion.
"I've got to do this, and I got to do this, and then statistically I should do this.
" And then the cane, and then he went back to real-life speed, and he did it.
What? That was my jam.
- That was my jam right there.
- That was my jam.
He knew what was going to happen using statistics! Yo, and then remember that one scene where he woke up in his neighbor's daughter's bed, and he was all on drugs and [bleep.]
? - Oh, yeah! - Yo.
No, no, that was RD Squared in real life, though, right there.
- Oh, it was.
It was.
- It was.
It was.
That was real life, though.
- He was good in that one.
He was good.
- That was very realistic, yup.
You know who else is good, though, dog? - Who, who, who, who, who? - Vally Kilmers.
Oh, we talking 'bout Vally Kilmers right now.
We talking 'bout Vally Kilmers right now, dog.
Which one? Which one? Which one? Which one? Oh, you know, Vally Kilmers in Tombstones.
Oh, what? (imitating hooves clopping) What? Come on, man.
That's my [bleep.]
right there.
Doccy Hollidays, dog? Oh, my God.
My man's talking about "I'll be your huckleberry.
" Ooh, and they was up in that O.
K.
Corral.
- Talking about-- - Oh, the shootout? - Earps.
Earps.
Earps.
Earps.
- Buck.
Buck.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, you ain't okay.
Ha ha! - That's my jam right there.
- That's my jam.
But what about my boy Vally Kilmers in the Willows, though? Oh.
What about Vally Kilmers in that Willows, though, right? Vally Kilmers in that Willows, dog, yo! When he was Madmartigans and they was in that medieval toboggan.
Talking about-- What? And the little leprechaun talking about, "You are great.
" He was magically delicious, dog! - Magically delicious, dog.
- That was my jam.
Oh, but what about Val Kilmers in The Saints? Oh, Vally Kilmers in The Saint.
Vally Kilmers in The Saint, though, what? When my man-- my man was like-- And-- And then-- And then he-- And then he was like-- he-- I-I didn't see that one.
Just the cover looked enticing.
Yo, yo, you know what I'm realizing right now for the first time? What's that, dog? It's like if there was a graph of RD Square - Yeah, a graph.
- and Vally Kilmers' careers Yeah, yeah.
RD Square would start down here.
Right, and Vally Kilmers would be starting right up here.
And RD Square would get this trajectory going.
Right, and then Vally Kilmers be on this trajectory - right here like this, right? - And they just making movies.
They just making movies.
Making movies.
Making movies.
Making movies.
Making movies.
Getting a little crazy.
Just doing a little drugs.
Just getting a little bit-- Yup, doing crazy.
Making-- Still making movies.
And then they meet at this point.
In the same movie.
Which is why the best movie of all time is-- - Kiss Kiss-- - Bang Bang.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is my [bleep.]
! (haunting Western music) I just like to believe.
You like to believe what? Maybe there's a place for me where I can be an action star.
Of course there's a place for you where you can be an action star.
Where? What? What could I-- What could I be, an action star fry chef? People have this conception that love handles are fat.
They are very difficult to maintain musculature that-- - What are those muscles called? - Hmm? What are those muscles called? Not a muscologist.
You're not a muscologist? Are those--there's--there's no muscle there.
There may be-- I want you to grab-- I want you to grab that.
- Yup.
- All right.
I'm gonna flex it.
- Flex it now.
- Okay, hold on.
I got a whole chunk right here.
Just like a chunk about the size of six doughnuts right here.
Listen, I'm sorry.
- You all right? - Thanks, bro.
Okay.
We all know it's not muscle.
- We know that.
- Thanks.
Decker.
Agent Jackson, you'll be working with him on this mission.
Agent Jackson, let's get one thing straight.
I don't like orders, and I don't play by the rules.
I trust you heard of me.
Actually, no, I haven't.
Ooh, hubba hubba.
We don't have much time.
The Arachnid agents have taken over the consulate.
We need to get you in and resolve this from the inside.
We've taken the latest sitrep of the hostile's position, and we've reconstructed a holographic blueprint of the consulate.
Save the mouth squirt for the new recruits, General.
Not gonna by impressed by any fancy technology! It's just a 3-D representation.
Pretty standard these days.
All right.
I know what it is.
Agent Jackson, you will enter through this AC duct on the south side - of the building.
- Yes, sir.
Decker, you will be dropped on top, and then you will gain access through this elevator shaft.
We want you to go down to the fourth floor.
Make-- Decker.
You okay? Heard everything you said.
Elevator shaft.
It's bright.
Yeah, it's bright.
The terrorists are located on the third and fifth floor of the building.
Each floor has six groups of six men.
What we're gonna want you to do is stop in the middle of the fourth and pry open the elevator door and go-- I just want you to move through that elevator door and then go do-- Pry open-- Elevator door.
Go down to the third flo-- Okay, maybe this isn't gonna work out.
Why? What's the matter, General? Everybody's putting their hand in the laser.
It's not a laser.
It's a hologram.
Tomato, tomato.
Look, what's with all the babysitting and handholding? Papa's a big boy.
Let's zoom into the interior.
Yeah, let's zoom in.
Oh, boy! Let's cut to the chase.
Why am I here? Your primary target is your old rival from the Cold War, Nikoli Androkovich.
Now, Androkovich has been leading-- He's here! Wh-- Jackson! Jackson! Wait.
Good job, Decker.
Jackson was an undercover agent for Arachnid.
How in the world did you know? Ain't my first rodeo.
Hot! In my day, we made coffee hot.
Well, we were behind each other in line at the grocery store.
And it was silly, but I dropped a can of peas.
And he bent over to pick them up for me, and that's where it started.
What can I say? It was love at first sight.
We've been together ever since.
Well Yes, she always has had her own way of doing things.
Okay.
- I see what's going on here.
- Honey.
You don't approve of our engagement.
- No, they're not like that.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Yes, they are like that.
Look at their faces.
There's no point in trying to reason with folks who can't appreciate the differences in others.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Honey, wait.
I cannot believe that you would bring a colored man into our house.
He's gone now.
How about this? Why don't they just make the movie that got straight Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington, and Morgan Freeman in the same movie? - Make the movie.
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Extra Oscars.
Everybody just then straight getting extra Oscars from-- Yeah.
Talking about Three Wise Men, though.
- Blip, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
- That would be my jam.
- Bullseye.
Nobody would pay be paying attention to Jesus.
- Don't even worry about that.
- They'd just be looking at the wise-- That movie is clutch.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah!