Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s05e06 Episode Script

Rayyan, finally.
I came as soon as I could.
What's the emergency? I can't sleep.
So, I see we're using the word emergency pretty lightly.
No, I've had insomnia for days.
I just sit up all night watching infomercials.
Well, it may not be serious.
Not serious? I bought a Sloncho! It's the Mexican Slanket.
It may be serious.
Now, look, I need you to tell me which one of these things I have, all right? Heart disease? Hypertension? Hyperthyroidism? Sloncho madness? Is that a thing? 'Cause it is kind of itchy.
Uh, and I-I've ruled out menopause, for obvious reasons.
No hot flashes.
Also, you're not a woman.
Man, I need sleep.
Okay, uh, insomnia is usually caused by stress.
- Yeah.
- Has anything been stressing you out lately? Uh, aside from the fact that I'm stuck in this Podunk pioneer village alone with no friends? What about Amaar? Amaar doesn't want to be my friend.
No, he just wants to change me.
You know, the only one who loves me for who I am is my Sloncho.
That's a poncho.
No, no, no, it's like a poncho, but with no sleeves.
So it's a poncho? Man, that was a good ad.
I am going to give you something that should do the trick.
Sleeping pills? Finally.
Follow these instructions and you should be sleeping in no time.
Wait, this just says "relax".
Doctor's orders! Can I take this with whisky? Season 5 Episode 6 Smooth Hate Criminal There you are! At work.
Who'd have thunk it? I need your help reading this poll.
A poll in Mercy? Who'd they sample? Everybody but Joe.
He had a head injury.
I don't understand the squiggles.
- And now it's upside down.
- Ann, I don't work for you anymore, remember? What do I care Oh, my God! Your numbers are way down! Especially with the Muslims.
Damn you Muslims! How do I reach out to you people? Probably by not saying "Damn you Muslims".
See, this is the kind of advice I need.
You've got to help me! Oh, of course.
What are friends for? All right, we can talk while I move these old paint cans out of the office.
Come on.
Well, actually, I was thinking of leaving it with you and catching up on my soaps.
Nice try, Ann.
Employees do your work for you.
Friends give advice.
Fair enough.
Ten bucks ought to cover it.
Can I owe you? Huh! Hey, you're golfing! Huh! I love golf.
Amaar, now is not the time.
I'm trying to sleep.
I'm no sleep expert but doesn't that require you to actually lay down? You can't win! I won't let you destroy me! Should I come back later? I can't sleep because I'm stressed and I can't relax because this putter is a jerk.
It's not your putter, it's actually your, um stance.
My stance.
Oh.
What do you know about stance, hmm? I'm a lawyer, so I've spent my fair share of time on the links.
Right.
Well, I'm sure it pales in comparison to my old parish's Minigolf Spectacuthon.
- Minigolf.
- Yeah.
Anyone can hit a ball a mile, but it takes a genuine artiste to putt a ball through an alligator's nostril.
Damn you, club of Judas! - Okay - Ah-h-h! Well, you enjoy your sleep.
I'm going to go and rest somewhere more restful.
Okay.
What's up, buttercup? Thorne is acting stranger than usual.
Did you just call me "buttercup"? I did.
Our first pet name.
Do you like it? No.
I'll work on it.
Thorne is supposed to be relaxing.
Well, then I've never seen anyone relax and clench at the same time.
As his doctor, I am a little worried about him.
He could use someone to hang out with.
So, what, living with him isn't enough now? Well, sometimes doing the right thing takes a little bit more.
You're right.
That's good advice.
Is it this annoying when I do it to other people? Absolutely! How long have you been listening to us? Not long.
Buttercup.
See? It's catching on.
- No, it isn't.
- It's good.
We're going to kill it.
You know, you should visit the mosque more often, show the community you care about them as people, not just voters.
Good idea.
Trick 'em.
Would you please help me with this paint? I'm donating it to the daycare.
Well, that's really sweet.
I usually just pour it down the sink when I'm done.
Ooh, text message.
Here hold this.
Oh, crap! No time to talk.
Got to go.
B- R-B.
Winky face.
What are you doing? Oh, it's just a semicolon with a parentheses.
No! The carpet! Oh! We've got to get this up before it sets.
Here's take this.
Got it.
You're not daubing, you're smearing! How can I daub under all this pressure? Now, you're going against the grain! The grain! Got it! Now you're smearing again! Fine! Here! You clean up your own mess! We need paint thinner.
We've got to get to the hardware store fast.
Perfect! I can get my nails done while you're picking up the supplies.
- What? - Or not.
- Oh! - Oh! Well, too bad Putt-Putt Greens had a birthday booked.
Hey, don't blame Jonathan.
You only turn Besides, Frisbee golf is an excellent alternative.
So, what do you think, that lamp post as a first hole? Yeah, sounds good.
Excellent.
After you.
Yeah, nice try, but I'm going first.
- That's what I just said.
- Yeah.
Get ready to cry yourself to sleep tonight.
Well, at least I can sleep.
Ooh, trash talk.
Nice! See, we're bonding.
Uh-h Ah-h! What the! All right, who threw it? As a man of God, I cannot, in good conscience, lie to you.
So who threw it? I'm not going to lie to you, Fred.
I'm sorry, Fred.
All right, turn around.
I got a free shot.
Rev.
Thorne: Honestly, the new testament tells us to turn the other cheek.
Crap.
I was afraid you'd say that.
All right, Amaar, I forgiveth you.
Thanks for having my back there.
Amaar: Anyways, all right, let's try this again.
Fred: Ohh! My other cheek! It's probably set by now.
You think so? I told her three coats.
Not your manicure, the paint! Relax, Sarah.
It'll be fine.
How are you going to help me if you're worried about wrecking your nails? Oh, that's easy.
I'm not.
You step right back! You cannot come in here and stomp all over my crime scene.
Crime scene? There's been a crime? Some no-good vandal has attacked the mosque! Oh, I see what happened.
They defiled our sacred rug! Sacred? We got those rugs at Carpet Diem.
I think this is a hate crime! There is no excuse for this.
Unless there's a perfectly good excuse.
No! There is none.
I don't care what they say, the person who did this is a monster! No, no, i-it's not what you think.
Unless it is! Excuse us.
I can't cop to this.
Being tied to a hate crime is political suicide.
It's not a hate crime.
Not without evidence.
Come on.
They painted a giant plus sign in the mosque.
I think it's a cross! That is even worse! It is hate crime! We need a fingerprinting set for the crime scene.
The crime scene? You're talking about smeared paint? I have a friend who is the cousin of a man who is married to a woman who was once questioned by CSIS.
Can you even hear yourself? I think so.
I just said a thing about CSIS, right? Okay, look, Baber, we are all concerned, but odds are that it's not a hate crime.
It is un-Islamic to take odds.
But if it was not, I would give you 10 to 1 that there is a hate criminal out there.
Who hates us.
I am not panicking.
Well, if you don't, then I will! Someone must protect this sacred place! What's with him? He's panicking.
Well, stick with what you're good at.
So, how was your prescription play date with Thorne? Not bad.
He's relaxing like you wanted, and he opened up as well.
It was actually kind of fun.
Fun is just what the doctor ordered! I hope it works.
Well, he's at his place right now, sleeping.
Excellent! Dr.
Hamoudi strikes again! You know, I said that after his nap, if he wanted to, he could, uh, join us for dinner.
On our big night out? Well, you were so keen on Thorne and I hanging out.
Plus, we do need a chaperone.
- Right, that makes sense.
- Great.
So we'll drop by around It will be a truly romantic evening.
Sarah: This is your plan? More criminal activity? We're just going to steal the rug.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Everyone will forget about it and move on.
I thought you said you'd wear black.
Pink is the new black.
Oh, you're going to get spotted for sure.
We should just leave.
No, no way! We're so close.
Suck it up, princess! Start rolling.
- Okay, let's move out.
- Okay.
Someone's coming! - Let's hide in the church.
- Okay.
Oh! I just broke a nail.
Forget about your nails! It's heavy! Quiet.
Shhh! I am certain someone is here.
The rug! It's missing! They went that way.
How do you know? My keen detective skills.
Plus the door is open.
- We are so going to get caught.
- No, we aren't.
Oh! - What are you doing? - I don't know! Go! Go! Go! - What are you doing? - Go! Go! Go! They went that way! The hate criminals are in the church! Astaghfirullah! These infidels have no sense of decency! Well, what are you waiting for? Go get them! I thought I told you to wear your running sandals! Idiots! - Oh! Really? - Yeah.
Because "The Godfather" is my favourite too! Ah, it's the best.
Mmm, man, that is a steak.
What did I tell you? The best in the west.
- Yeah.
- Really? Because my salmon's a little dry.
Aww, that's too bad.
Look, have you tried this horseradish? No, is it is it hot? But irresistible.
"I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.
" Ho-ho-ho-ho! Good one, ha-ha! "Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
" Rayyan, do you have a favourite line? Umm "You had me at hello.
" No, no, a favourite line from "The Godfather".
Oh.
I've never seen it.
"Leave the gun.
Take the cannoli.
" - Oh! - Oh! But nobody's having cannoli.
I think we should make an anonymous donation to the mosque.
I'm way ahead of you.
I thought about it.
I decided against it.
Fred: Hate crime watch, day two.
One of Mercy Anglican's valuable vases has been viciously vandalized.
The criminals are probably laughing at us now as they eat their morning toast.
Well, at least they don't have any leads.
Fred: This just in: a lead! Some Muslims were seen fleeing the scene late last night.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
I am a dog with a bone.
It's over.
If this keeps up, some innocent person is going to be blamed.
Fingers crossed.
Ann! You know what you have to do.
I have to talk to the people.
Right.
Arrange a press conference.
Hey! I don't work for you anymore.
You can't talk to me like that.
Arrange a press conference, friend.
That's better.
- 11:00 a.
m.
, okay? - Great.
And pick up my dry cleaning, buddy.
Okay! Guys, guys, guys! We need you two to stop riling up the communities about these "crimes".
I'll stop.
When the mosque replaces the church's precious vase! Why should we be held responsible? We are the ones who chased the hate criminals away.
Surely we can all work together to figure this out.
Yes.
Muslims and Anglicans side by side.
That is like mixing oil and what does not mix with oil? - Muslims.
- Exactly! Wait, just look at Amaar and I, all right? We're as close as two nickels in a pocket.
How big is this pocket? It's a little one.
- That's pretty close.
- How big are these nickels? Okay, we're done here! Look, guys, the point is, can we please just stop this before it gets worse than it already is! No can do, Amaar.
Yeah, no can do too.
Why does it sound like we haven't heard the last of those two? Because they're still talking.
Okay, look, we have to get our congregations together and work this out.
- How about 5:00 o'clock? - Perfect! Gives us time for our "Godfather" marathon.
Perfect.
Sounds like a plan.
Amaar: Salaam alaikum.
Walaikum assalaam.
What's up? Well, my last patient of the day cancelled, and I thought I'd come by and see if you wanted to go to Fatima's and grab a bite.
Mmm, I already made plans.
With me.
You should join us.
Uh, she wouldn't like it.
I wouldn't like what? Movie marathon.
I'd love it! Oh, I've been dying to see that romantic comedy about the songwriter in the coma.
"Sing Quietly"! - Uh-h-h - Uh-h-h The thing is, we were It's a "Godfather" marathon.
I just bought them on Blu-ray.
You have not seen Abe Vigoda until you've seen him in high def.
It's sobering.
Sounds great.
Really? No.
Who am I kidding? You guys go, do your thing.
Great.
Um, we'll talk later.
We'll talk later.
Just you and me.
Wow, you've got a lot here.
Well, Amaar and Thorne are spending a lot of time together, so, hello books.
Well, it's bad for you and good for "A Clinical Investigation of Weeping Wounds and Cuts".
Ew.
Yeah, I did it to myself.
You cut yourself? Was it to get attention? Did it work? No! I put Amaar and Thorne together and now they're all buddy-buddy.
And what did Amaar say when you told him he's spending too much time with Thorne? He said that Thanks, Rose! Good luck! I believe I reserved your copy of "Weeping Wounds and Cuts".
Oh, dear.
Rayyan! Hi.
Hi.
You're here to join us? 'Cause there's only part three left and, spoiler alert, it's terrible.
Oh no, I just wanted to talk to Amaar.
Oh yeah, sure, what do you want to tell us? I kind of wanted to talk to him alone.
Oh! Right, yes, of course, a little privacy.
I'll chaperone from over here.
What's the matter? It's just you're always with Thorne.
- Isn't that what you wanted? - Well I'm only hanging out with him because you asked me to.
Really? Yeah, I'd do anything you asked me to.
Oh.
Well, what if I asked you to get out of here? Well, I'd, uh I'd say let's go.
Uh, change of plans, Thorne, we're going to have to cut this marathon short.
But I'll see you at 5:00, okay? You got it, pal! Only because she asked you to, hmm? All right, Amaar, if that's the way you want to play it.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! So, in summation, every suspect in town has an alibi.
Ann, can I talk to you please? Just a minute.
How can everyone in town be innocent? It's a real thinker.
Wait a minute.
What if it's someone who doesn't live in town? Oh, like some sort of, uh, out-of-towner? You're good, Fred.
But who? What kind of shifty person would just be drifting through town? A drifter.
A shifty drifter! I said it first.
Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Ann, this is getting out of hand.
Well, yes, it is getting out of hand, Sarah when my town is overrun by shifty drifters.
Sadly, he's probably moved on by now.
I'm sure we'll never know what really happened.
Well, I'm mollified.
Me too.
I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.
No, this was the work of a local.
Come with me and I'll prove it.
I'm outraged again! - Me as well! - Come on! Just peachy.
This shouldn't take long.
Thorne and I should be able to convince everyone to let his whole hate crime thing go.
Rushing through this door, the craven criminals stole off into the night! Or maybe not.
Oh, no.
Straight to Mecca! That's all the evidence I need.
Oh yes, clearly, we vandalized our own rugs just to throw you off the scent of our future vase crimes.
Oh, so you admit it.
Well, that you're an idiot.
Ah, what's going on here? Well, I'll tell you what's going on here.
The good people of this town have been hurt.
Hurt by the person they trusted most.
- People.
- Ah, people.
You Muslims wormed your way into our hearts, only to lash out at me.
Us.
Right, us.
And we won't forget what you've done to us.
- Uh, me.
- Thorne.
What? - Well You don't really think this is a hate crime.
We talked about this.
Rev.
Thorne: Oh, we talked about a lot of things, Amaar.
A lot of things.
Reverend, if this is about earlier People, this is not about vandalism, this is about betrayal.
I submit I submit Amaar painted the cross on the rug, Amaar broke the vase, and Amaar only pretended to be my friend.
Baber: Amaar? How could you do this? The sleeper cell has awoken! Sarah: I did it! I did it.
It was an accident.
And then to cover it up, I I stole the rug and broke the vase.
It was all me.
I'm sorry.
Well, that took a lot of strength, Sarah.
I'm proud of you.
Wait, wait, wait.
This makes no sense.
She's covering for someone.
No, I'm not.
And now she's lying very badly about it.
No, I'm not.
Everybody knows, you don't have an evil bone in your body.
Look, we have a confession, Fred.
Leave her alone.
I'm proud of you too, Sarah.
Proud and disappointed.
Mom, you're covering for Ann again, aren't you? Back off, medicine woman.
Don't you have a poultice to mix? The mayor! Of course! She has many evil bones in her body.
Fine, all right.
This may shock you, but here is the terrible truth.
We all know you did it! Then why dwell.
Yes, feelings were hurt, lies were told, but I think you're forgetting something very important we just landed the Bacon Festival! Um, excuse me, most of us here are Muslims.
I just cannot crack that demographic.
Now, do you finally feel better after telling the truth? Yeah, I guess so.
Thanks, Sarah.
This is so exciting, though.
How did you land the Bacon Festival? I didn't.
But that's future Ann's problem.
Fred: Too bad it's over.
My ratings were through the roof.
I was also enjoying all the rabble-rousing.
Yeah.
You know, I'm starting to miss this hate crime already.
Me too.
Oh.
Sorry.
Amaar: Thorne! Yo, Thorne! What the hell was that about? Oh, well, uh, the mayor manipulated Sarah into taking the blame for something that the mayor did.
Um, no, I'm actually talking about the other thing, where you falsely accused me of committing a hate crime.
Oh, that.
I thought we were getting along.
Yeah, me too.
Until I discovered that you were only spending time with me because Rayyan made you.
Oh, that.
We didn't mean it that way.
Really? You wanted to spend time with me? Well, not at first.
Ah-ha! Look, yes, at first Rayyan made me.
But then I started having fun.
Really? You were having fun? - Absolutely.
- Then why did you walk out in the middle of our movie marathon? It's just that we're engaged, so Oh, yes.
No, I-I get it.
You're a new couple, you want to spend time together, not with your dashing and whimsical roommate.
It's fine.
Really? No, but I'll deal with it.
Well, I do have some work to catch up on tonight.
Uh, so, I guess I have some time on my hands.
Do you have two hours and 50 minutes? He sure does.
Knock yourselves out, guys.
Hmm.
You know, I'm, uh I'm kind of worried about her.
She really needs some friends.
- Back again? - Oh, yeah.
Amaar and Thorne are watching a movie, so, I'm on my own.
Oh, just gives you more time to hang out with all your girlfriends.
Yeah, all my girlfriends! You don't have any girlfriends, do you? No.
Aww, that is so sad.
So lonely.
All those empty evenings with those self-help books that never seem to help.
You don't have any girlfriends either, do you? I do not.
- See you.
- Yeah, see you.
Hey, do you want to grab a coffee? I'd love to! Just one sec.
Okay, library's closed.
Everybody shoo!