Live at The Apollo (2004) s05e06 Episode Script
Kevin Bridges, Reginald D Hunter
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Alistair McGowan.
Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live at the Apollo.
I am Alistair McGowan, yes, indeed, the man who brought you David Beckham, Michael Parkinson, Dot Cotton, Richard Madeley - welcome back, welcome back, Terry Wogan, David Schwimmer - hey, and Eddie Izzard - ooh, and sometimes Steven Gerrard - errno - is back.
Yes, indeed I'm back, ladies and gentlemen and we've got some very famous faces in the audience - Dominic Littlewood is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Dominic, gotta say, I love the programme.
Some friends and I were sitting around at the weekend and we all agreed, that for us, TV Burp is one of the highlights of the week, so Love the show.
Now, Dominic, you'll all know from The One Show hosted by Adrian Chiles, who I always think of as Adrian Child, because he is like a big kid, isn't he? No matter who he's interviewing, Adrian Child, whether it's Gordon Strachan, Gordon Brown, or Gordon Ramsay, all you hear, basically, is him saying, so what's it like being you then, eh, is it good? Have you got your own house, 'ave ya, is it a big house? Is it a big house? How long does your dad let you stay up until? Does he? It's a bit later at weekends, is it? Yeah.
How far you been with a lady? What inside upstairs? You lucky bastard.
D'you like football? I've got West Bromwich Albion everything.
I've got West Bromwich Albion duvet, West Bromwich Albion towels, I've even got the wallpaper.
It looks great, but it just won't stay up.
Oh yes! Dominic, welcome.
Craig Revel Horwood is here, from Strictly Come Dancing.
Rachel Stevens is here as well, ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel, you were ON Strictly.
I've got to ask you, are the judges the same off camera as they are on camera? Absolutely, yes.
Absolutely the same? Yes.
Because I've always wondered, do the judges take themselves home with them to the house - to the bedroom even.
I was thinking, when Craig Revel Horwood has sex, afterwards, does he have to give a critique on it? Is he in the bedroom saying things like - well, for me, it was messy, actually? Your legs were bent, erm it got better and better and by the end, I have to say, I didn't want it to stop, actually! That would be funny.
That would be funny? What I'd like to get going here is a double act me and Craig, I'd be on that panel before you know it.
But I love Bruno, I'm sure you love Bruno on the programme.
I wish I could be more like Bruno Tonioli, from Strictly Come Dancing.
Recently - he's so expressive - recently I had a piano delivered to my second-floor flat and these two London blokes struggled up four flights of stairs with it, it took them an hour and a half to get the piano into my flat.
And all I could say at the end was, in my very English way, thanks, guys, really appreciate it.
I just wished I'd been Bruno Tonioli, cos I would've said, Brian and Roger, it's Fred and Ginger for me tonight.
Moving a piano is not easy, you have to go on and off, lift and back into hold, you did that effortlessly.
For me, 10 out of 10.
Rachel, I've got to ask you, are you friends with other musicians? People like Gary Barlow? I know Gary, yeah.
You know Gary, cos I always worry about Gary Barlow.
For me, whenever I hear Gary Barlow talk, I think, Gary, if you're gonna start talking any more slowly than what you do at the moment he does talk quite slowly, doesn't he, Gary? D'you know what I mean? And I thought hang on, Gary, if you start to talk any more slowly, you're gonna turn, before you know it, into Dave off the Royle Family, aren't you? We've Fay Ripley in here tonight.
Jason, of course, a big football fan.
Still a big football fan? Who do you support? Liverpool.
Liverpool, are you sorry? CROWD BOO One of their former players, Michael Owen did you know he wrote his autobiography at the age of 19? No.
He was 19, ladies and gentlemen, he wrote his autobiography.
I read it, it was 350 pages long.
He could have condensed it to a paragraph.
All he needed to write was, I was born in Chester in 1980, er, started to play football at the age of 2, was quite good at it.
Went to big school, played some more football, er, was really good at it.
Started playing football for Liverpool Boys, was really, really good at it.
Started playing for Liverpool, was brilliant at it, started playing football for England.
That'll be £19.
95 please.
But of course nobody is talking about Michael Owen for the World Cup squad in 2010, but we've qualified.
Fabio Capello, didn't he do a great job as England manager? It almost depressed me that Fabio made such a difference as England manager from the start, because, when he took over, he could barely speak any English.
It made me think, how many words do you need to be a successful manager of the English national football team? About 10, it seemed, in Fabio's case.
Yeserm Noerm Gooderm Baderm Happy, heh-heh-heh Me You Is ball Is goal Money, heh-heh-heh! His native country, Italy, were the last winners of the World Cup back in 2006, you may know this statistic.
Nine months after that event, there was a huge rise in the annual birth rate in Italy.
That is how the Italians celebrated winning the World Cup, fantastic.
When England won the World Cup in 1966, there was a power surge when everyone made themselves a cup of tea.
So we've got some big names, big faces in tonight.
But there are people who couldn't make it.
They've sent apologies, they left messages before the show.
Rowan Atkinson cancelled at the last minute.
He said, the chances of me sitting in the audience at Live at the Apollo are about as high as the ankle socks on a particularly small beetle who's standing in a ditch.
I took that as a no.
We were hoping Jo Brand was gonna be here but she was busy - she's always busy.
Recently she was on Question Time, I don't know if you saw, she was brilliant.
Sadly, she wasn't on the one with Nick Griffin.
That would have been interesting.
If I was leader of the Labour Party thank you, erm No, erm, if I was leader of the Labour Party, how would I get rid of the threat posed by Nick Griffin? Well, I think I'd probably eat the bastard.
We hoped the Welsh comedian, Rhod Gilbert, would be here as well.
but he couldn't make it - I'm busy, I've got a meeting.
I'm meeting an American producer, he said.
But Americans, they confuse me.
They confuse me.
When I meet Americans they always say to me, wassup, they say, wassup.
I want to say, why should something be up? Do I look like something is up? Nothing is bloody up! Will you stop asking wassup! I'm actually from Wales - most things in Wales are bloody down, all right? So many programmes on Channel 4 and ITV seem to me never to actually start, you know? They seem to be a trailer for a programme that never actually begins, particularly anything hosted by Gok Wan, you know? You'll hear him say, hello and welcome to How To Look Good Naked.
Coming up in part one, I'll be reminding you of the basic idea of the show, and I'll be showing you what's coming up in part two.
In part two we'll be looking back at what we did in part one and looking ahead to what's coming up in part three.
In part three we'll be looking back at what we did in parts one and two and looking ahead to what's coming up in part four.
In part four we'll be looking back at what we did, looking ahead to next week and we'll actually show you footage you haven't seen, of somebody looking a bit better now than they did at the start, but I still wouldn't go anywhere near them with a barge pole, girlfriend.
I worry that if I ever met Gok, I'd call him Cock by mistake.
Do you worry about that? People get very upset on his programme - at the end they cry.
Men and women, they cry.
It's all right, isn't it, now, for men to cry in public, generally.
But one thing you will never see an upset man doing, you will never see an upset man going Huh-hummm I'll be all right in a minute, I'll be all right, no I knew I shouldn't have started talking about it Why do you do that, girls, what is going on there? Are you trying to waft the tears back into your eyes ? Seriously, girls, if you could blow fluids back inside the human body, do you not think you'd see men sitting outside pubs and clubs on a Friday and Saturday night going, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah? Makes no sense at all to me.
But people cry, they cry at the end of X Factor as well, don't they? Particularly because the judges on those programmes are very mean to the contestants.
And I often wonder what would Louis Walsh say if Louis Walsh walked into the room.
What would Simon Cowell say if Simon Cowell walked into the room? What would they say about themselves? Imagine that.
Louis, I've got to say, looking at it, you've got no style you've got no image, you know, you're just grey.
Grey hair, grey eyes, grey face - you're like a ghost, you know? I mean if you were casting the new Casper the Friendly Ghost movie, we might be interested, you know? But I doubt it because your speech is terrible, you've got this shushy sss thing going on there - th-th-th-th.
You don't even finish half your sentences and when you breathe, you breathe like a tired old dog, it's thu-thu-thu.
For me, Louis, it's a no.
Simon.
Well, look, tell you what, erm Simon, is it? You know, I'm looking at you, thinking, I don't know who or what you are.
I mean, you know, are you gay or straight? Erm.
Why do you sound like a bored Tony Blair? I don't get it.
You have no discernable talent, you're just sort of there talking, erm I mean, really you are the most unskilled, rudest, worst dressed, multimillionaire television star the world has ever seen.
I'm sorry, but you are.
Bye-bye.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, time to introduce our first act of the night, a young man who shot to fame early this year on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow.
Here he is now, Live at the Apollo, please welcome Kevin Bridges! Thank you, hello! CROWD CHEER At the Apollo, eh? It's good to be here in London.
Have we got any other Scottish people in the room? AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER Up on the top deck, good stuff, that's where we keep them.
I love Scottish people in London.
I love speaking to Scottish people in London, they don't want to tell you about any of the sights or tourist attractions.
They don't want to talk about any shows they've seen, they just say, guess how much.
Guess how much we paid for two drinks, have a guess.
Two drinks, guess how much.
You know when somebody says to you, guess how much we paid, in an irate tone? Social etiquette is to aim kind of low so they can have the little moment of shocking you.
Now, what I've done? I now aim high, kill the conversation stone dead.
Next time somebody says to you guess how much we paid for two drinks, just say, I don't know, how much? £40? It wasn't as much as that, no.
We thought it was quite expensive but it sounds as if sounds as if we got a bargain.
The BNP have been in the papers recently.
I've seen a bit of racist graffiti that kind of sums up the whole thing, it was on a kind of deprived housing area.
On a newsagent, somebody spray-painted, BNP and below the BNP they drew a swastika.
Now, beside this swastika, were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika.
They'd obviously misjudged the complexity of the operation.
And rather than spray-paint over the failed attempts, they left them there.
they must've thought you get some form of credit for showing your working.
I was reading the government plans to provide musical instruments to children, young people from deprived areas, you know, cos that'll solve their problems.
Musical instruments.
What's up, son? Your mum's a crack addict, your dad's in jail - don't worry, have a glockenspiel.
Problem solved.
Ah cheers, mate, thank you, everything's fine.
A-B-C-D-E-F-G.
Perfect.
I've a lot of fond memories of growing up, the good old days.
I liked school.
My favourite class at school was woodwork, do you remember craft and design? I never actually liked the subject, I liked the teacher.
See, everybody's woodwork teacher was an alcoholic.
I remember this guy, our woodwork teacher, he would just be sitting at his desk, about 10 minutes in to the woodwork lesson and he's not even spoke a word.
Just sitting there going, Oh, oh-ohh and he'd face the class, he'd just say, right, kids, right, children, I've had a tough weekend.
I was supposed to go to IKEA, but I spent my wages in Oddbins, so one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack.
And when you were 12 years old, that was pressure when a middle-aged man's marriage depends on your abilities with a tube of glue and a bandsaw.
I was watching a programme about children from the opposite end of the social spectrum, a programme called My Super Sweet 16, has anybody seen this? CROWD CHEER Don't get too excited, it's quite shite.
I was watching it about 2 o'clock in the morning, when the TV's quite shite, anybody watch late night telly? Have you ever been up that late, when the TV goes, get to bed there's nothing to see here.
Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem, beat it.
Does anybody watch these late night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows? Anybody seen anything like Quizmania and the Cash Vault? It's just robbing drunk people.
You know, you come in at night and there's some guy going, OK everybody, OK.
Thanks for watching, OK.
For £10,000, we're looking for a guy's name You come home steaming, I know a guy's name.
Ten grand, I know a few guys' names.
Watching this Super Sweet 16, what it is, it's these millionaire parents and they've given their 15-year-old kids a budget to spend on their 16th birthday party.
This one young guy, his dad gave him £200,000, right, as a budget to spend on his 16th birthday party.
I'm watching this thinking, if my dad had given me £200,000 to spend on my 16th birthday party, I would be dead.
It would make for a more interesting TV show.
Your 16th birthday party, you should be grateful for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and a smelly finger.
Bad time for that hand gesture there, sir.
Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to my time.
Goodnight.
God bless, see you again.
Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Bridges.
It's time for our second and final act of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You'll have seen him sitting on dozens of panel shows, this is actually the first time I've ever seen him standing up.
Please welcome, the fabulous Reginald D Hunter.
Thank you and good evening.
Look at y'all, look at y'all.
Now I hope this is gonna be good, but, I don't know, because they told me there's a lot of things I can't say.
It's all - we're at the Apollo, it's BBC, there's white people in Kent watching, so they say I've gotta mind what I say.
I'm gonna try but this is the way I talk.
I'm from the South, I'm from the Deep South and sometimes the way I talk runs into the way y'all talk.
I was in a bar here in London and I was having a chat with this lady and she found out I was a comedian.
She goes, oh, you're a comedian, tell me, what do you know about Tommy Cooper? He dead.
She says, I must be terribly British and correct your grammar, I think it's he died.
I said, at first he died now he dead.
And just, you know, like I say, I run into the way y'all talk, cos, you know, British people, y'all have a lot of subtext and y'all like stuff like irony and sarcasm, tongue in cheek, you know - clever ways to be indirect about what you think.
No, man, sometimes a British person can insult me and it takes me three weeks to figure it out, man.
I'd be home hoovering one day and I'd be, like, bastard don't like me! And just the weird stuff y'all say about each other just, you know, in Wales, Scotland, people up the road, just weird stuff.
I remember when I first got to England, I mentioned to my English friends that I was going up to Wales to do a gig and I'd heard a lot about Wales, you know, Diana Princess of Wales - and I was excited.
I was like, yeah man, I'm going up to Wales to do some gigs.
And without thinking, they were like, they shag sheep.
I said, they what? They shag sheep, mate, you'd better watch out, they shag sheep.
And they said it with so much authority and so much conviction, I was like, well, is the government doing anything about it? But it took me a few years to realise that's just something y'all like to say.
Crazy, man.
And like when I go back home and just I like it here, in a way, because, you know, you have the ability to hold the opposite view.
You know, like the higher universities in this country, they teach people how to think the opposite way.
Even people who are not highly educated, they do it.
It's called taking the piss.
And y'all take the piss out of everything.
You take the piss out the Queen, you take the piss out yourselves, the government, you even take the piss out your friends.
I've even seen people go, this is my mate Barry bit of a twat.
That's your friend! When I go back to America, we're not good at taking the piss out of ourselves, we're a younger country.
We haven't learned that skill yet, that's a very advanced thing y'all do, we ain't worked that out yet.
In America we're used to feeling one emotion at a time.
You know, we get mixed up like that.
In America, too, we love catchphrases, we love slogans.
You know, we love stuff like that and we found a way for justification to sound like empowerment, that's right.
We have phrases like, be true to yourself follow your heart follow your dream.
There was a movie a few years ago called Batman Begins and it had one of them catchphrases and Americans loved it to conquer fear, you must become fear.
Well, how the hell d'you do that? It's just a way for Batman to justify being violent.
I could take that same phrase and justify whatever I want.
If I gain too much weight, I can justify it by going, to conquer fat, you must become fat.
I turned 40 recently and I don't feel bad about that, I feel pretty good about it.
But I have started doing that inventory that you do when you turn 40, just, what am I good at, what skills have I developed, what have I learned.
I can cook a little bit, I can write a decent joke, but that's about it.
Man, I tell you what sent me into an uber-dimension of depression, was that Austrian dude last year, Fritzl, Josef Fritzl.
Now I don't know if y'all remember but that was a dude, he held his daughter hostage for 24 years, had seven babies with her and kept them locked in a dungeon that he built and kept it all a secret from his wife.
Let me ask y'all a question, how many of y'all know a man who can build a dungeon? CROWD LAUGH I can't do that.
I've got friends who build houses, they can't build dungeons.
And I'm just saying, next to Fritzl, I feel incompetent.
I mean, cos you always hear about, men can't multi-task, he pulled that off and put the morality aside for just a second, he pulled that off for 24 straight years.
I can't do that I don't have that level of organisational skills.
If I tried to that, I know I would get busted the first day.
Somebody'd be like, Reggie, where you going with all that wood? And I know I would panic, I would just panic, I would just give myself away completely.
I was talking about Fritzl on stage one night and this lady got really offended, cos sometimes, in comedy shows, women see themselves as the moral arbiter of society and this lady came up to me and she was mad.
She was gonna tell me which way the cold wind blows, she was like, excuse me, why do you talk about Fritzl? Why? What Fritzl did was evil and you are glorifying evil by making jokes about it.
Why? Why do you talk about Fritzl? To conquer Fritzl you must become Fritzl.
Thank you, thank you.
Reginald D Hunter.
You have seen the brilliant Reginald D Hunter, the fantastic Kevin Bridges.
I have been Alistair McGowan, goodnight!
Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live at the Apollo.
I am Alistair McGowan, yes, indeed, the man who brought you David Beckham, Michael Parkinson, Dot Cotton, Richard Madeley - welcome back, welcome back, Terry Wogan, David Schwimmer - hey, and Eddie Izzard - ooh, and sometimes Steven Gerrard - errno - is back.
Yes, indeed I'm back, ladies and gentlemen and we've got some very famous faces in the audience - Dominic Littlewood is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Dominic, gotta say, I love the programme.
Some friends and I were sitting around at the weekend and we all agreed, that for us, TV Burp is one of the highlights of the week, so Love the show.
Now, Dominic, you'll all know from The One Show hosted by Adrian Chiles, who I always think of as Adrian Child, because he is like a big kid, isn't he? No matter who he's interviewing, Adrian Child, whether it's Gordon Strachan, Gordon Brown, or Gordon Ramsay, all you hear, basically, is him saying, so what's it like being you then, eh, is it good? Have you got your own house, 'ave ya, is it a big house? Is it a big house? How long does your dad let you stay up until? Does he? It's a bit later at weekends, is it? Yeah.
How far you been with a lady? What inside upstairs? You lucky bastard.
D'you like football? I've got West Bromwich Albion everything.
I've got West Bromwich Albion duvet, West Bromwich Albion towels, I've even got the wallpaper.
It looks great, but it just won't stay up.
Oh yes! Dominic, welcome.
Craig Revel Horwood is here, from Strictly Come Dancing.
Rachel Stevens is here as well, ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel, you were ON Strictly.
I've got to ask you, are the judges the same off camera as they are on camera? Absolutely, yes.
Absolutely the same? Yes.
Because I've always wondered, do the judges take themselves home with them to the house - to the bedroom even.
I was thinking, when Craig Revel Horwood has sex, afterwards, does he have to give a critique on it? Is he in the bedroom saying things like - well, for me, it was messy, actually? Your legs were bent, erm it got better and better and by the end, I have to say, I didn't want it to stop, actually! That would be funny.
That would be funny? What I'd like to get going here is a double act me and Craig, I'd be on that panel before you know it.
But I love Bruno, I'm sure you love Bruno on the programme.
I wish I could be more like Bruno Tonioli, from Strictly Come Dancing.
Recently - he's so expressive - recently I had a piano delivered to my second-floor flat and these two London blokes struggled up four flights of stairs with it, it took them an hour and a half to get the piano into my flat.
And all I could say at the end was, in my very English way, thanks, guys, really appreciate it.
I just wished I'd been Bruno Tonioli, cos I would've said, Brian and Roger, it's Fred and Ginger for me tonight.
Moving a piano is not easy, you have to go on and off, lift and back into hold, you did that effortlessly.
For me, 10 out of 10.
Rachel, I've got to ask you, are you friends with other musicians? People like Gary Barlow? I know Gary, yeah.
You know Gary, cos I always worry about Gary Barlow.
For me, whenever I hear Gary Barlow talk, I think, Gary, if you're gonna start talking any more slowly than what you do at the moment he does talk quite slowly, doesn't he, Gary? D'you know what I mean? And I thought hang on, Gary, if you start to talk any more slowly, you're gonna turn, before you know it, into Dave off the Royle Family, aren't you? We've Fay Ripley in here tonight.
Jason, of course, a big football fan.
Still a big football fan? Who do you support? Liverpool.
Liverpool, are you sorry? CROWD BOO One of their former players, Michael Owen did you know he wrote his autobiography at the age of 19? No.
He was 19, ladies and gentlemen, he wrote his autobiography.
I read it, it was 350 pages long.
He could have condensed it to a paragraph.
All he needed to write was, I was born in Chester in 1980, er, started to play football at the age of 2, was quite good at it.
Went to big school, played some more football, er, was really good at it.
Started playing football for Liverpool Boys, was really, really good at it.
Started playing for Liverpool, was brilliant at it, started playing football for England.
That'll be £19.
95 please.
But of course nobody is talking about Michael Owen for the World Cup squad in 2010, but we've qualified.
Fabio Capello, didn't he do a great job as England manager? It almost depressed me that Fabio made such a difference as England manager from the start, because, when he took over, he could barely speak any English.
It made me think, how many words do you need to be a successful manager of the English national football team? About 10, it seemed, in Fabio's case.
Yeserm Noerm Gooderm Baderm Happy, heh-heh-heh Me You Is ball Is goal Money, heh-heh-heh! His native country, Italy, were the last winners of the World Cup back in 2006, you may know this statistic.
Nine months after that event, there was a huge rise in the annual birth rate in Italy.
That is how the Italians celebrated winning the World Cup, fantastic.
When England won the World Cup in 1966, there was a power surge when everyone made themselves a cup of tea.
So we've got some big names, big faces in tonight.
But there are people who couldn't make it.
They've sent apologies, they left messages before the show.
Rowan Atkinson cancelled at the last minute.
He said, the chances of me sitting in the audience at Live at the Apollo are about as high as the ankle socks on a particularly small beetle who's standing in a ditch.
I took that as a no.
We were hoping Jo Brand was gonna be here but she was busy - she's always busy.
Recently she was on Question Time, I don't know if you saw, she was brilliant.
Sadly, she wasn't on the one with Nick Griffin.
That would have been interesting.
If I was leader of the Labour Party thank you, erm No, erm, if I was leader of the Labour Party, how would I get rid of the threat posed by Nick Griffin? Well, I think I'd probably eat the bastard.
We hoped the Welsh comedian, Rhod Gilbert, would be here as well.
but he couldn't make it - I'm busy, I've got a meeting.
I'm meeting an American producer, he said.
But Americans, they confuse me.
They confuse me.
When I meet Americans they always say to me, wassup, they say, wassup.
I want to say, why should something be up? Do I look like something is up? Nothing is bloody up! Will you stop asking wassup! I'm actually from Wales - most things in Wales are bloody down, all right? So many programmes on Channel 4 and ITV seem to me never to actually start, you know? They seem to be a trailer for a programme that never actually begins, particularly anything hosted by Gok Wan, you know? You'll hear him say, hello and welcome to How To Look Good Naked.
Coming up in part one, I'll be reminding you of the basic idea of the show, and I'll be showing you what's coming up in part two.
In part two we'll be looking back at what we did in part one and looking ahead to what's coming up in part three.
In part three we'll be looking back at what we did in parts one and two and looking ahead to what's coming up in part four.
In part four we'll be looking back at what we did, looking ahead to next week and we'll actually show you footage you haven't seen, of somebody looking a bit better now than they did at the start, but I still wouldn't go anywhere near them with a barge pole, girlfriend.
I worry that if I ever met Gok, I'd call him Cock by mistake.
Do you worry about that? People get very upset on his programme - at the end they cry.
Men and women, they cry.
It's all right, isn't it, now, for men to cry in public, generally.
But one thing you will never see an upset man doing, you will never see an upset man going Huh-hummm I'll be all right in a minute, I'll be all right, no I knew I shouldn't have started talking about it Why do you do that, girls, what is going on there? Are you trying to waft the tears back into your eyes ? Seriously, girls, if you could blow fluids back inside the human body, do you not think you'd see men sitting outside pubs and clubs on a Friday and Saturday night going, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah? Makes no sense at all to me.
But people cry, they cry at the end of X Factor as well, don't they? Particularly because the judges on those programmes are very mean to the contestants.
And I often wonder what would Louis Walsh say if Louis Walsh walked into the room.
What would Simon Cowell say if Simon Cowell walked into the room? What would they say about themselves? Imagine that.
Louis, I've got to say, looking at it, you've got no style you've got no image, you know, you're just grey.
Grey hair, grey eyes, grey face - you're like a ghost, you know? I mean if you were casting the new Casper the Friendly Ghost movie, we might be interested, you know? But I doubt it because your speech is terrible, you've got this shushy sss thing going on there - th-th-th-th.
You don't even finish half your sentences and when you breathe, you breathe like a tired old dog, it's thu-thu-thu.
For me, Louis, it's a no.
Simon.
Well, look, tell you what, erm Simon, is it? You know, I'm looking at you, thinking, I don't know who or what you are.
I mean, you know, are you gay or straight? Erm.
Why do you sound like a bored Tony Blair? I don't get it.
You have no discernable talent, you're just sort of there talking, erm I mean, really you are the most unskilled, rudest, worst dressed, multimillionaire television star the world has ever seen.
I'm sorry, but you are.
Bye-bye.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, time to introduce our first act of the night, a young man who shot to fame early this year on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow.
Here he is now, Live at the Apollo, please welcome Kevin Bridges! Thank you, hello! CROWD CHEER At the Apollo, eh? It's good to be here in London.
Have we got any other Scottish people in the room? AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER Up on the top deck, good stuff, that's where we keep them.
I love Scottish people in London.
I love speaking to Scottish people in London, they don't want to tell you about any of the sights or tourist attractions.
They don't want to talk about any shows they've seen, they just say, guess how much.
Guess how much we paid for two drinks, have a guess.
Two drinks, guess how much.
You know when somebody says to you, guess how much we paid, in an irate tone? Social etiquette is to aim kind of low so they can have the little moment of shocking you.
Now, what I've done? I now aim high, kill the conversation stone dead.
Next time somebody says to you guess how much we paid for two drinks, just say, I don't know, how much? £40? It wasn't as much as that, no.
We thought it was quite expensive but it sounds as if sounds as if we got a bargain.
The BNP have been in the papers recently.
I've seen a bit of racist graffiti that kind of sums up the whole thing, it was on a kind of deprived housing area.
On a newsagent, somebody spray-painted, BNP and below the BNP they drew a swastika.
Now, beside this swastika, were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika.
They'd obviously misjudged the complexity of the operation.
And rather than spray-paint over the failed attempts, they left them there.
they must've thought you get some form of credit for showing your working.
I was reading the government plans to provide musical instruments to children, young people from deprived areas, you know, cos that'll solve their problems.
Musical instruments.
What's up, son? Your mum's a crack addict, your dad's in jail - don't worry, have a glockenspiel.
Problem solved.
Ah cheers, mate, thank you, everything's fine.
A-B-C-D-E-F-G.
Perfect.
I've a lot of fond memories of growing up, the good old days.
I liked school.
My favourite class at school was woodwork, do you remember craft and design? I never actually liked the subject, I liked the teacher.
See, everybody's woodwork teacher was an alcoholic.
I remember this guy, our woodwork teacher, he would just be sitting at his desk, about 10 minutes in to the woodwork lesson and he's not even spoke a word.
Just sitting there going, Oh, oh-ohh and he'd face the class, he'd just say, right, kids, right, children, I've had a tough weekend.
I was supposed to go to IKEA, but I spent my wages in Oddbins, so one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack.
And when you were 12 years old, that was pressure when a middle-aged man's marriage depends on your abilities with a tube of glue and a bandsaw.
I was watching a programme about children from the opposite end of the social spectrum, a programme called My Super Sweet 16, has anybody seen this? CROWD CHEER Don't get too excited, it's quite shite.
I was watching it about 2 o'clock in the morning, when the TV's quite shite, anybody watch late night telly? Have you ever been up that late, when the TV goes, get to bed there's nothing to see here.
Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem, beat it.
Does anybody watch these late night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows? Anybody seen anything like Quizmania and the Cash Vault? It's just robbing drunk people.
You know, you come in at night and there's some guy going, OK everybody, OK.
Thanks for watching, OK.
For £10,000, we're looking for a guy's name You come home steaming, I know a guy's name.
Ten grand, I know a few guys' names.
Watching this Super Sweet 16, what it is, it's these millionaire parents and they've given their 15-year-old kids a budget to spend on their 16th birthday party.
This one young guy, his dad gave him £200,000, right, as a budget to spend on his 16th birthday party.
I'm watching this thinking, if my dad had given me £200,000 to spend on my 16th birthday party, I would be dead.
It would make for a more interesting TV show.
Your 16th birthday party, you should be grateful for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and a smelly finger.
Bad time for that hand gesture there, sir.
Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to my time.
Goodnight.
God bless, see you again.
Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Bridges.
It's time for our second and final act of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You'll have seen him sitting on dozens of panel shows, this is actually the first time I've ever seen him standing up.
Please welcome, the fabulous Reginald D Hunter.
Thank you and good evening.
Look at y'all, look at y'all.
Now I hope this is gonna be good, but, I don't know, because they told me there's a lot of things I can't say.
It's all - we're at the Apollo, it's BBC, there's white people in Kent watching, so they say I've gotta mind what I say.
I'm gonna try but this is the way I talk.
I'm from the South, I'm from the Deep South and sometimes the way I talk runs into the way y'all talk.
I was in a bar here in London and I was having a chat with this lady and she found out I was a comedian.
She goes, oh, you're a comedian, tell me, what do you know about Tommy Cooper? He dead.
She says, I must be terribly British and correct your grammar, I think it's he died.
I said, at first he died now he dead.
And just, you know, like I say, I run into the way y'all talk, cos, you know, British people, y'all have a lot of subtext and y'all like stuff like irony and sarcasm, tongue in cheek, you know - clever ways to be indirect about what you think.
No, man, sometimes a British person can insult me and it takes me three weeks to figure it out, man.
I'd be home hoovering one day and I'd be, like, bastard don't like me! And just the weird stuff y'all say about each other just, you know, in Wales, Scotland, people up the road, just weird stuff.
I remember when I first got to England, I mentioned to my English friends that I was going up to Wales to do a gig and I'd heard a lot about Wales, you know, Diana Princess of Wales - and I was excited.
I was like, yeah man, I'm going up to Wales to do some gigs.
And without thinking, they were like, they shag sheep.
I said, they what? They shag sheep, mate, you'd better watch out, they shag sheep.
And they said it with so much authority and so much conviction, I was like, well, is the government doing anything about it? But it took me a few years to realise that's just something y'all like to say.
Crazy, man.
And like when I go back home and just I like it here, in a way, because, you know, you have the ability to hold the opposite view.
You know, like the higher universities in this country, they teach people how to think the opposite way.
Even people who are not highly educated, they do it.
It's called taking the piss.
And y'all take the piss out of everything.
You take the piss out the Queen, you take the piss out yourselves, the government, you even take the piss out your friends.
I've even seen people go, this is my mate Barry bit of a twat.
That's your friend! When I go back to America, we're not good at taking the piss out of ourselves, we're a younger country.
We haven't learned that skill yet, that's a very advanced thing y'all do, we ain't worked that out yet.
In America we're used to feeling one emotion at a time.
You know, we get mixed up like that.
In America, too, we love catchphrases, we love slogans.
You know, we love stuff like that and we found a way for justification to sound like empowerment, that's right.
We have phrases like, be true to yourself follow your heart follow your dream.
There was a movie a few years ago called Batman Begins and it had one of them catchphrases and Americans loved it to conquer fear, you must become fear.
Well, how the hell d'you do that? It's just a way for Batman to justify being violent.
I could take that same phrase and justify whatever I want.
If I gain too much weight, I can justify it by going, to conquer fat, you must become fat.
I turned 40 recently and I don't feel bad about that, I feel pretty good about it.
But I have started doing that inventory that you do when you turn 40, just, what am I good at, what skills have I developed, what have I learned.
I can cook a little bit, I can write a decent joke, but that's about it.
Man, I tell you what sent me into an uber-dimension of depression, was that Austrian dude last year, Fritzl, Josef Fritzl.
Now I don't know if y'all remember but that was a dude, he held his daughter hostage for 24 years, had seven babies with her and kept them locked in a dungeon that he built and kept it all a secret from his wife.
Let me ask y'all a question, how many of y'all know a man who can build a dungeon? CROWD LAUGH I can't do that.
I've got friends who build houses, they can't build dungeons.
And I'm just saying, next to Fritzl, I feel incompetent.
I mean, cos you always hear about, men can't multi-task, he pulled that off and put the morality aside for just a second, he pulled that off for 24 straight years.
I can't do that I don't have that level of organisational skills.
If I tried to that, I know I would get busted the first day.
Somebody'd be like, Reggie, where you going with all that wood? And I know I would panic, I would just panic, I would just give myself away completely.
I was talking about Fritzl on stage one night and this lady got really offended, cos sometimes, in comedy shows, women see themselves as the moral arbiter of society and this lady came up to me and she was mad.
She was gonna tell me which way the cold wind blows, she was like, excuse me, why do you talk about Fritzl? Why? What Fritzl did was evil and you are glorifying evil by making jokes about it.
Why? Why do you talk about Fritzl? To conquer Fritzl you must become Fritzl.
Thank you, thank you.
Reginald D Hunter.
You have seen the brilliant Reginald D Hunter, the fantastic Kevin Bridges.
I have been Alistair McGowan, goodnight!