Lovejoy (1986) s05e06 Episode Script

Who is that man? One of Hardwick's men.
Go, go! That's it! That's the one, Commissaire.
The red lorry.
Right, out of the lorry! Oranges.
Anything else? Lemons.
(French accent) No furniture? Citrus fruit! Tons of it! No furniture! This isn't the lorry.
So where is the real one? (Sighs) Not far.
Police cooperation.
Well, we've all got to get along somehow, haven't we? Thanks, Ali.
Ah, now is this nice or is this nice, eh? - Absolutely charming.
- And cheap.
- Well, it had to be.
- Yeah, on the money Lovejoy pays us.
Mmm.
(Horn) (Horn) Hello? Folks are out, eh? Hello? Anyone at home? Lovejoy, the place is all shuttered up! Oh! (Shouts) Hello? Anyone at home? Hello? Does this mean they won't be needing the dresser, Lovejoy? Eric, this is the cheapest, charmingest holiday we've ever had.
Well, keep moving, keep moving! - Why? - I like to hear the glasses tinkle.
Ah, this is it, Uncle Jack's boat.
- Oh, it's charming! - Yeah, it's good, ain't it? (Eric chuckles) (Eric) Perfect! The furniture is Belgian-Dutch origin, of medium value.
Nothing under £500 nor over 5,000.
The computer's drawn up a list of possible suspects, sir.
I don't care about lists.
I want to know what's in your head.
Let's have a look.
- Knight.
- Pentonville, three years.
- Kenley.
- Maybe.
- Foulks.
- Maybe.
- Lovejoy.
- Nah.
Nah, nah.
It says here he went down for receiving stolen goods.
Antiques.
Nah, it's it's not his style.
He's very small potatoes.
- Parker.
- Dead, two years.
(Birds squawking) Oyster catcher! Divine! - Try one.
- Oh, God, no! - Oh, go on! It'll put some ink in your pen.
- It's disgusting.
Eurgh! (Eric) Plover.
Sea, sky, sun, glass of wine.
- Ah.
Lesser spotted Uncle Jack! - What's Jack doing? Smuggling tobacco.
Can you still make money smuggling tobacco? Well, no, but the people round here couldn't smoke tobacco if the duty had been paid, could they? It wouldn't taste the same.
Ah.
Peace and quiet.
(Gunshots) Duck hunters.
Godless hooligans.
It's a tradition.
They've done it round here for hundreds of years.
There are rights, you know.
Well, I have the right to silence.
(Gunshots) Visigoths! Tinker! Stop it! Look, it's time we were going, anyway.
Come on.
(Engine stops) I'm taking it off, Lovejoy.
Eric? Phone! It's Lovejoy! Oh, right! Hello, Bill.
Wow! - Whose is that? - Lovejoy's.
Ah.
Where is he? In there.
Er stewing with his temper.
I've been lumbered, Eric.
(Whispers) Did he get paid out? You didn't get the money by any chance, did you, Lovejoy? No, I did not get the money.
Your contact has done a runner.
Probably from the taxman.
The taxman? - Mind the glass! - The taxman? What's the taxman doing there? Sh! Calm down! Yeah, well, you see, I said we should have took a deposit.
Eric, you said no such thing.
- What's he saying? - Sh! Eric? Eric, do I have your full attention? You'll just have to knock it out somewhere else, Lovejoy.
Oh, we'll just have to knock it out somewhere else, Lovejoy! Have you seen the size of this thing, Eric? Hang on.
Are you trying to blame me for this? Yes, I am.
Hello? Hello? He can be very moody sometimes.
Charlotte, you wouldn't happen to know someone who'd want something like this, would you? No.
Yes, well, lovely.
It's an honest piece, Charlie.
You'd need a bigger house for it.
Charlotte, how lovely to see you! - How are you? - Oh, fine.
A Welsh housekeeper's cupboard.
That's the technical term for it, Charlie, whether it comes from Wales or not.
This one's round about 1850.
Fine example.
Mmm, well, what do you think, young lady? Oh, it's a lovely piece, just as you said.
Oh, you trained her well, Lovejoy.
Go on, then.
How much? Ooh, seven grand, Charlie.
Lovejoy, I've got to get on.
- What's this? - My bill.
Cash on delivery.
I've got a room up at the house.
Er, four.
Four?! Four would be my offer, yes.
Four? No, I've got to get at least six to cover expenses, Charlie.
Well, must rush.
- Bring it up to the hall.
- For six? - See you later.
- 7:30 for eight.
I won't be late.
Lovejoy, my bill.
Come on, get it back on the lorry.
He wants it.
But it's here.
It's 150 yards to his front room.
- What do you want me to do? Push it? - If you like.
I've got another job to go to.
and you can use my phone.
- You're on.
- All right.
What's all this about 7:30 for eight? It's why I was calling.
Would you like to come to dinner? - What, you, me and Gimbert? - No, there'll be others.
Right, 50 quid.
Where am I gonna get 50 quid this time of day? Lovejoy, if you haven't got 50 quid now, how were you gonna pay my bill? I'll help you load it back on the lorry, won't I? Come on, Beth.
Get the other end.
(Shop bell rings) Looking for anything in particular? Lovely! Yes, English.
It came out of a 17th-century farmhouse.
Looks like English oak revival to me.
Trade.
DCI Sharpe.
Antiques Squad.
Oh.
Nothing wrong? Well, we're never good news, are we? Mind if we look through your ledgers? (Sharpe) Lovejoy.
You do a lot of business with Lovejoy.
What are you doing? We had a deal.
Here's the dresser.
You give me six grand.
We didn't have a deal.
I agreed to look at it for four, not buy it for six.
Well, now that it's up here, I must say, it doesn't look much.
Not much at all.
A little too honest for me, Lovejoy.
Yes.
Gnah! Eurgh, it's ugly! You were pulling my leg! No, I wasn't.
A bit of a monster though, isn't it? Hope you're not losing your touch, Lovejoy.
Tommy, take her back up.
Take her back up? Mr.
Gimbert's little joke.
He doesn't want it.
Ha, ha! You know, what it needs, Lovejoy, right, is a temporary home Young lady, let me give you a lesson in life.
When you see somebody hit their thumb with a hammer, do not offer them any advice on how to hammer nails! Simply walk away without saying anything! (Lovejoy) Go on! Go on, Eric! (Laughs) I ain't never seen nothing like that before.
(Tinker) It's was born to go in there.
You've got two weeks, Lovejoy! Two weeks? Lovejoy, can we have a pint now we're here? Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Come on, Eric.
I'll buy you a pint.
Sorry? - I'll buy you a pint! You, as well.
- Oh! Sorry, I don't think I quite heard that.
You're gonna buy me a pint? Yeah, I'm gonna buy you a pint.
(Grunts) (Shop bell rings) Lovejoy again.
Oh, so what? So he bought from Lovejoy.
They all have.
Farquar, Kenley, Foulks.
What do you want me to do? Nick him or something? Lovejoy will be a little cog in the machine.
We want the big boys.
Let's get some more dirt on him.
Then we'll nick him.
Always believe that tonight might be the night.
One night it will.
(Quiet chatter) (Doorbell rings) Kate The Stows are from London.
We're leasing them the old Briar House with a view to buying.
They wanted to meet interesting, local, social landmarks.
Oh, so I'm a social landmark, eh? More a sight of interest, really.
What's Gimbert? He's more like one of those ruins Cromwell knocked about a bit.
Charlie's pursuing Kieran for a little venture capital for some scheme.
He's desperately trying to smarm up to them.
Well, now I know what Gimbert wants with these people and I know what you want, what's in it for me? - Dinner with me, of course.
- Oh, Charlotte.
They're rather well shod and they want to buy antiques.
Ah.
- So who sent you the flower shop? - No idea.
Probably some mystery admirer.
Yes, of course.
Anyway Now, Bill and Ellen you already know.
- Bill, Ellen, Charlie.
Kate.
- Hello, Lovejoy.
And this is Kieran and Patricia Stow.
- Nice to meet you.
- Kieran, Patricia.
This is Lovejoy.
Well, shall we go in? - So you're in antiques too? - Yep.
And you? Oh, I'm retired.
I had a small software company.
I sold it.
- Oh.
- Five and a half mil.
- Now, Patricia, I think you're there.
- Thank you.
Kate, I popped you at the end there.
OK? Ellen, yes, over there with Bill.
- Lovejoy - Hmm? Lovejoy Ooh, hang on.
Ooh, 'ey up.
(Animated chatter) Come on! (All shouting) I've only got two pairs of arms, you know! Eric! Hey, Eric! Give us a hand over here, boy! Just a minute, will ya?! I'm serving someone over here! (Women) Pint, pint, pint, pint! Pint, pint, pint, pint! (Laughter) - Who's first? - A pint of snakebite, please.
Cider and lager half and half.
Next? - Don't you have a first name? - Just Lovejoy is fine.
Lovejoy likes to be a bit of a dark horse.
Perhaps a low profile is called for.
Meaning? I bumped into the antiques police in Coopersale today, looking for stolen Flemish furniture.
That giant dresser of yours wouldn't be Flemish, would it, by any chance, Lovejoy? Giant dresser? Oh, specializing in large furniture, are you, Lovejoy? Oh, he won't touch anything under three meters.
So, Flemish or not? It's local and it's legal, Charlie.
Did you see my roses? They're from a mystery admirer.
- How romantic! - Did you like them? How big is the dresser, Lovejoy? (Laughs) Bill wants to cut it down! Why? Well, then, he'd find some gullible foreigner to buy it.
(Laughs) Kieran was born in Dublin.
Oh.
Well that's hardly foreign, though, is it? Do tell us about the dresser.
Oh, I found it for someone and now I'm stuck with it.
And it's enormous.
Hard luck, Lovejoy.
So what do you do? Find stuff to order? Most antique dealers do, especially Bill and Ellen here.
We tend to make the thing you want come out the size you want it.
Lovejoy doesn't approve.
- Well, it depends.
- (Kieran) Hmm.
What about these antiques police? Oh, I'm afraid they're not there for your protection.
They're after smuggled furniture.
(Charlotte) You should have Lovejoy courier you around for a few days.
- Oh, that's a good idea.
- You could borrow my car.
Oh, thank you, Charlie.
Bill shot these.
I saw Eric and Tinker in Tollesbury.
They're spending a few days down there with Eric's uncle, Jack.
Do you shoot, Kieran? No, I don't but I'd love to try.
Well, Jack's got shooting rights down there, if you fancy it.
- Really? - Mmm.
You could borrow my Purdeys.
Thank you very much.
(Chuckles) ( Rock music blares) (Music continues) Heaven! I only said tonight might be the night.
Sorry, the preview doesn't start till 11.
We're closed.
Detective Chief Inspector Sharpe.
Metropolitan Police.
Antiques Squad.
Looking for stolen furniture.
(Sighs) (Lovejoy) Hello? Ellen? Bill? Oak.
Yeah.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It was.
Originally, this was too big for any modern house.
But this lot I'll show you what they've done.
They've cut it down here and here and they've added a drawer.
So they can sell this as a tirette.
All the rage in the center of your fitted kitchen.
Oh, they've ruined it.
- An ex-antique.
- Not antique at all.
Just a good, honest, farmhouse oak table.
- Lovejoy! - Hello, Ellen.
- Coffee? - No, just the armoire.
- Ellen, this is Beth.
- Hello.
Is this your muscle? (Grinding) - Thank you, Ellen.
- OK.
(Bell rings) - Money? - Next week! You're a rogue! I've got to go.
It's down there.
Wow! Some place, innit? It's pretty empty by their standards.
- Oh.
- Here it is.
Beth, bring that trolley.
Can I help? (Sharpe) I'm looking for some furniture.
You're in the right place.
Police.
I'd like to check your stock.
Why? Do you think I can ask you to have a quick flick through some of these, please? Ever do any business with a character called Lovejoy? Lovejoy? - Did you sell him that? - No.
He brought it round to be repaired.
Do you deal with him at all? Dodgy.
He's been in prison, you know.
- I'll drive.
- Fine.
They were here.
I think so.
I sent them after Lovejoy.
(Beth) Where's it from? Well, it's Flemish originally.
But since Ellen Parker and her know-nothing husband have been at it, - it's from nowhere.
- Can't it be fixed? Yeah, I'll put the carved doors together with a suitable chassis, French polish, black-wax it.
- Be terrific.
- Mmm.
- Ah, Lovejoy! Ready to start? - Yeah.
Oh, Beth, my assistant.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Stow.
We've got something to show you already.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Charlie's car keys.
Beth, would you tell Mr.
And Mrs.
Stow about those Samson figures, please? Oh, I don't know anything about Samson figures.
Would you tell them about something you do know about at the far end of the room? (Sharpe) Well? (Policeman) Door looks the same.
(Sharpe) The body's the same too.
It's just a different size.
Look, it's been cut in half.
So, what are you trying to say? - The furniture's disappeared, right? - Right.
Well, we're never gonna find it, if he does that to it, are we? No.
Why? Because we'll be looking for one piece when he's turned it into another! Yeah, well the door is the same.
This is the same wardrobe! It's got different dimensions.
I've had those antiques police here.
Convince them of your good character, did you? Me? They were asking about you.
What do you know about stolen French and Flemish furniture? Not a lot.
Were they accusing me of something? No.
More mentioning you in the same breath.
They're over there.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Stow are new to the area.
- How do you do? - There's more upstairs.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Usual percentages.
- Do you know who was in here? - I give up.
- Looking for you? Two cops? - You've spoken? - No.
- Lovejoy? - Yes, Patricia.
Eric! Oh! (Chuckles) You You was in good form last night, boy! Oh, don't! When you done that impersonation of Tommy Cooper's laugh, I nearly wet meself! Benny Hill.
Oh, he's funny too.
(Chuckles) - What goes on in here? - Oh, I rent it out to someone.
Yeah, but what as? Eric You've got a bit of a way with you with some of my customers in the pub.
- Well, it just comes natural.
- Of course it does.
It's in the family, innit? See, when I fall off the twig, boy, all this will be yours one day.
Oh, yeah, but not yet, I hope, Uncle.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
I may have a bit of winter up here.
I've still got plenty of spring in my arse! Don't you worry about that! No, but I mean You know, you're the only one.
You'll inherit.
You should come and work here in the pub with me.
- Who, me? - Mmm.
But I've already got a job, Uncle.
What, running round after Lovejoy? Pff! That's not a job! No, but he he looks after me.
Look where you have to come for your holidays.
You call that looking after you? Cobblers! (Lovejoy) It's actually a lovely piece of furniture.
Who told you it was that big, you? I'll call you back.
Hello, Dennis.
Hello, Lovejoy.
- So, what can I do for you? - Mr.
Lovejoy, is it? Just Lovejoy, actually.
Detective Chief Inspector Sharpe.
Metropolitan Police.
- It's that way.
- What? London.
You said Metropolitan Police, didn't you? - Mind if we look round? - Yes, I do! Oi! That's not very nice, Lovejoy.
- Niceness has got nothing to do with it.
- He might wanna buy something.
Doesn't it say "by appointment only" outside? Then I'll fetch a search warrant.
On what grounds? Your criminal record, Mr.
Lovejoy! And other evidence.
What other evidence? All in good time.
Oh, you look nervous.
I don't like visits from the police.
- They were satisfied, though? - I think so.
So, what are you worried about, Peter? They won't come back.
How do you know? Ellen gave them Lovejoy.
Oh, that was wrong.
Hm.
It was inspired.
They wanted a criminal.
We've given them one.
We'll have long sold this stuff before he convinces them he hasn't got it.
If he ever does.
Would you mind telling me exactly what you're looking for? We'll let you know when we find it.
That your Rolls-Royce outside? DCI Sharpe, look at me.
I have this much lolly until I sell something.
Mine is the one next to the Roller.
I sleep in the back of the shop.
And I keep my clothes in the stock.
Let's put these pieces of paper to pieces of furniture before we discuss your lifestyle in detail, Mr.
Lovejoy.
Just Lovejoy.
Samson figurines.
Bought at auction on behalf of a client.
Yet to be collected.
(Yawns) The police were there for hours and hours.
Did they find anything? Like what? I haven't got anything! Don't hang about, Charlotte.
You know you're rowing, don't you, Lovejoy? (Duck call) (Duck call) (Duck call) (Gunshots) (Charlie) Good shot! I I think I'll pass that over to you when they come over.
Right.
- What are they doing? - Ducks.
They're retrieving their ducks, sir.
(Kieran) Jodie! Come on, Jodie! That's it! Good boy! Whoa! Oh! Was that my gun? (Shouts) Was that my gun? Did you see that? He's thrown my gun in the water.
That bone-headed rocker that you call a partner has just knocked my Purdey in the drink! - Associate.
- What? He's an associate not a partner.
Well, you should stop associating with imbeciles! (Lovejoy) He's not an imbecile, Charlie! - Are you smirking? - Hmm? - Was that a smirk? - What? My lawyer will wipe that off your face, Lovejoy! I hold you responsible! Oh, come on, Charlie! He didn't do it on purpose.
I don't care if he did it to celebrate Thanksgiving! £28,000 a pair! You've still got one.
What good is one of a pair?! I'll kill him! Now what are they doing? (Shouting) (Charlie) "We'll get it when the tide goes out"! "We'll get it when the tide goes out"! (Rants and sobs) Really, Charlie, I think you're overreacting.
Charlotte, please.
I don't want to talk about it.
(Slams car door) (Engine revs) Nimrod, how went the hunt? Eric dropped one of Gimbert's guns in the water.
No! - Where's Lovejoy? - He's taken Kieran to the boat shed.
(Laughs) One of his special prized Purdeys! Whoa, my godfathers! (Chuckles) It's massive.
(Sighs) I'm sorry.
- I'd better do some measuring.
- Oh.
I said I'm sorry.
Look, I said I'm sorry.
I know, I heard you the first time.
You're just off his Christmas card list, that's all.
I was never on it in the first place.
- He'll have to sue me, won't he? - Yeah, but he'll sue me too.
He should never have lent it out in the first place.
Well, he knows that now.
Then there's this.
It's not really been your week, has it? - Wonderful.
- Hmm.
How much? I've got to get seven and a half for it.
- Seven and a half? - Hmm.
Well, possibly five and a half.
(Laughs) Or maybe six and a half.
You wouldn't do me, would you? Please! What about six? - Cash? - Yeah, I thought you'd say that.
- And one for me? - Hmm! We get the rest when we deliver.
Thank you, Charlotte.
Without you, I'd still own that bloody thing.
- Thank you, Tink.
- At your service.
- (Eric) Well, what about me? - What? Without me, you wouldn't have owned it in the first place.
That thought did occur to me.
Oh, no, no.
We've got to negotiate on this.
He's got a huge wad out! (Horn) I'll move the car.
You keep an eye on him.
Good.
You find Gimbert's gun and I'll consider a finder's fee on the wardrobe.
How am I supposed to do that?! Jack when's the next low tide? Oh! Well, that's flooding now.
It's about half-tide.
She'd be rushing in now.
Hour from now, the water'll be all over everywhere.
Will it? Aspidistra.
Well I have to go.
Want a lift? No, no.
Thanks, Charlotte.
- Lovejoy - Hmm? - You know - Yeah, yeah, I know.
Tink, hand me your paper, will you? Ah, now you're gonna sit there until I find Gimbert's gun, aren't you? No, not quite, Eric.
(Clears throat) About an hour should do it.
Eh? Right.
Bye, Dennis.
- Dennis.
- Oh, bye, Dennis.
Don't be hasty.
(Sighs) (Laughter) (Engine revs) Nick him! Let's not be hasty, shall we, sir? - Nick him! - What for? Receiving stolen property! What stolen property? - You keep your clothes in this.
- Something similar.
- In this! - So? - It's stolen! - I bought it.
Oh, don't tell me, but you can't find the receipt.
- I bought it from the Parkers.
- All right, all right.
- How much did you pay for it? - Well, I haven't yet.
How pathetic, Lovejoy, trying to palm it off on the Parkers! - Ask them.
- I have.
Handcuffs.
- Please - Handcuffs! Water wings! (Eric laughs raucously) Him as well.
What for? Laughing out of turn.
Oh, come on! Having a big nose.
(Laughs) Tinker says they've taken Eric and Lovejoy away.
Is that true? You've got to tell them.
(Dennis) It is not evidence! (Sharpe) It is! You wanna charge him with receiving this.
Even you don't claim it's the same wardrobe in the picture! It's been changed! Sawn about! He is still sticking to his story! He bought this from Parkers! They say he didn't! Someone's lying.
Which do you think, Inspector? Probably Lovejoy but there could be a lot of reasons for that! He knows where it came from.
I'll go further.
He knows where the rest of the stuff from that load is.
Perhaps.
But this is not evidence! With all due respect, sir, this is my nick.
I am responsible.
He's got to go.
- It is evidence! - Not that will stand up in court! If you want to hold him, take him down to your Metropolitan nick! Out.
Aha.
Come to your senses, have we, Dennis? - Lovejoy, out.
- Where's Eric? Probably waiting for you outside.
Surprisingly enough, there was nothing on him.
Nothing on me either.
What about my armoire? Er it's evidence.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I can take my wardrobe, though, can't I? Come on, you lot.
Got a bone to pick with the Parkers.
There's something you should listen to.
- I wanna see the Parkers.
- Lovejoy, Jack has an admission to make.
- Come on, Jack.
- Just listen, will you, Lovejoy? See, thing is, Lovejoy I'm a smuggler.
Always have been, always will be.
So what's it got to do with me? Used to smuggle booze, baccy, a bit of this, a bit of that.
Me and a couple of other lads.
Lovejoy, ask him who the lads are that he smuggles with.
Used to smuggle with! Well, Bill Parker for one.
Bill Parker? Not their son.
His dad.
He died a couple of years ago now.
Lovejoy, ask him who the other lad is.
Peter Farquar.
(Shop bell rings) Peter, where's the rest of that Flemish furniture? (Eric) It's this one.
I can see the respray job.
Bloody hell! They didn't tell me there was this much! - Oh, well, I believe you, Peter.
- What are we gonna do? First, you're gonna phone the Parkers and tell them the police interviewed you again and that Jack has disappeared.
- That's what I've got to do, is it? - Yeah.
And then you're gonna call the police.
Our information is that Lovejoy is gonna be picked up by his confederates.
This could be them now.
Wait a minute.
That's Ellen Parker.
(Ellen) Bill! What the hell is she waving at? (Ellen) Bill! Hello, Ellen.
I don't believe it! Get out and grab her! (Engine revs) (Siren) - What's up? - Follow me, sir.
Jack, Maureen, very nice party.
Thank you.
God bless.
Have a good time.
Only young once, eh? (Laughs) - (Charlie) Hello.
- Charlie! - Lovejoy.
Charlotte.
- (Tinker) Charlie.
Well, why have I come all this way? We've got some good news and some bad news, Charlie.
Do you want to sit down, have a drink? Get on with it, then, Lovejoy.
The good news is that we got your gun.
Bad news is that it went through the dredger first.
(Eric laughs) Bloody fools! Think of it this way, Charlie Eric, get Mr.
Gimbert a drink, would you? It'll expedite your insurance claim.
Moron! Oh, now don't be rude to me, Mr.
Gimbert, cos you're barred! (Laughs) Eric, you can't bar Charlie! I can and I have, cos I'm not being insulted in my own pub.
- So out.
- Good lad! Your what? Oh, no, he's a good lad, Lovejoy.
He's He's taking over the running of the pub.
Eric? - Well done, Eric! - Eric, run a pub? Well, it's not worked out with us, Lovejoy, has it, really? I mean, I've learned the trade but I was never very good at it, was I? You mean you're leaving us, Eric? Uncle Jack's gonna let me run the pub.
I'm gonna be in charge.
I could book in a few bands, like Dead Pony or Greasy Hands! (Women) Yeah! You'll soon get bored pulling pints for your Uncle Jack.
Well, no more fed up than I was humping furniture for you.
No, I'm gonna make a go of this.
Well, if he's determined And I am.
Oh, you'll be back.
Oh, no, I won't.
(All) Oh, yes, you will! Oh, no, he won't! (All) Oh, yes, he will! (Laughter) Yeah, laugh, go on! But I'm gonna make a go of this.
No more mistakes.
Out with the old Eric, and in with the new.
You'll see.
Well, he weren't that bad, was he? No.
- Tell him.
- Shall we? Mm.
- Eric.
- Uh-huh? Whoa (Glass shattering)