New Girl s05e06 Episode Script
Reagan
1 - Hey.
- Hey, what can I get you? Can I get a beer and, uh, your number? - Actually, I'm - This woman is engaged.
Her number belongs to God now.
Thank you.
My bad, I didn't see a ring.
I'm wo I'm working on it.
That's something I'm working on.
Can't just put any ring on the hand of the most perfect woman in the world.
Now shoo.
Back to the mechanical shop or wherever it is you work.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Okay, so you're doing it again.
I'm doing what? Ever since we got engaged, you've been acting insanely jealous.
Look, all bartenders get hit on.
It's just part of the job.
Even Nick has groupies.
- Are you free tonight? - I am, yeah.
Me, too! (laughing): Oh, well, hey, well, I really hope you find something to do.
WINSTON: Nick is playing hard to get.
What was wrong with her? I just wasn't feeling it.
What's "it"? (scoffs) It's obvious.
It's, you know, it's (slurring): magic.
- What? - Hmm? Little bit of the magic thing, little bit of the - "Man stick"? - I'm not saying "man stick.
" It's what I heard.
- I'm saying "magic.
" - Oh.
I don't know, I just I want magic.
Is that so bad? I want the music to swell.
I want the wind to blow.
I-I want the clouds to part.
- Yeah.
- Love! Magic! Something exciting! Why are you yelling? Because I am embarrassed! Don't be embarrassed, man, I want magic, too.
I want her to have a metal bra, and then I got a sword in my hand, and guess what, we both wearing skirts.
And we're riding on flying horses.
That's more like dork magic.
Okay, I don't want to upset you guys, but if you keep looking for magic, you're gonna be alone forever.
Did you just say you don't mean to upset us and then tell us we're gonna end up alone? I actually don't care if I upset you.
Yeah, 'cause that's really upsetting.
You know, I got to I got to say, I'm with Aly on this one, she's making sense, which is why she always plays "smart cop" when we play "Smart Cop/Dumb Cop.
" Not a game we play.
I'm super worried you think we do, terrified.
I feel like we're playing it right now.
Great "dumb cop," great "smart cop.
" You two need to get realistic.
- You're not getting any younger, Nick.
- Wrong.
I'm in the prime of my life.
Watch me do my thing.
Show her, dude.
Get it! Show her what you got, Nick.
(chuckles with exertion) See it? See it? Do you see it? Is it up? Can you see it? (chuckles with exertion) Winston, call an ambulance.
I smushed every bone in my back.
(groans) Looks like you got "old man back.
" - Welcome to the club.
- Looks like a cool club.
(laughing) Ugh, you hear that? Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you.
Aly was right.
We are getting older.
Ugh, don't remind me.
I don't want to be alone forever.
Maybe it's time I start looking at my love life more realistically.
Huh.
I feel like one of those characters in the show Sax and the City talking about this.
Oh, no, you mean, um, uh, Sex and the City.
I'm talking about the one with the four ladies in a jazz band.
- That's not a show.
- Carrie, Miranda, - No.
- the other one and the older one.
You're thinking of Sex and the City.
They would never allow that 'cause of the title.
(chuckles) Anyway, man, I'm with you, you know? I think we should be more realistic about who we're dating.
We got to keep each other from dreaming.
(both chuckle) - So if you see me dreaming - Pinch you.
- Well, don't pinch me, but just let me know.
- Okay.
- Let's make a deal.
- Let's make a deal.
- I got your back, you got my back.
- Yeah.
- It's time.
- It's time.
Why did y? Reagan Lucas to see Dr.
Richards.
I'm so sorry, Dr.
Richards is He's right behind that water cooler.
Why don't I see any orders for Recombinex from you this month, Don? Well, um What is this? Spectavir, Donny? Are you kidding me? Maybe we can talk when you've When I've had a chance to consult my physician about the possible side effects of Spectavir? Side effects which include dry mouth and diarrhea, wet mouth and constipation, butt sneezing, hysterical deafness, unwelcomed night-running, dusty semen You know what, why don't I put in an order for Recombinex.
Ooh, great, but only if you want to.
Anything else I can do for you? Not unless you can get me a hotel room downtown for the next month.
My company is putting me at the Redbrick Lodge and Seafood Hut.
Ugh.
My key is a fish.
We have a room we have a room available.
I overheard you, sorry we have a room.
Uh, my name is Nick, uh, Nicholas for long.
Uh, my friend and I have a lovely room for rent in our loft downtown.
You see, our old roommate is on jury duty.
Her name is Jess, Jessica.
We had a little "will they/won't they.
" Then we did, and then we fought a little bit too much.
- We still have a really nice thing.
- WINSTON: Excuse me, ma'am.
I am truly sorry for my friend here, but I am sure it is not realistic that you would want to rent a place from total strangers.
Normally, no, but I have a lobster tank in my bedroom.
- We have no lobsters.
- What is the rent like? What do you want it to be? I don't care.
- What? - Cheap.
- Amenities? - Yeah, we got those.
You got a rain shower? I love a rain shower.
Rain shower? Crazy enough, we were installing one today.
Well, you are weirdly checking all of my boxes, so I'll come take a look.
Great, good, the, uh, the address is right here on the form under my name.
Great, I'll see you tonight.
Good luck with your "smush pain that feels like everything came out of the sandwich.
" Doesn't even hurt that much, actually.
Nick, this is crazy.
Come on, man.
We agreed to not let each other do exactly this anymore.
Do I have to get tough with you? Just admit it, you're jealous.
Uh, I'm not, I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you.
You know, jacked dudes, swole dudes, yoked dudes.
What in Megyn Kelly's America are you doing, Nick? I'm installing a high-end shower.
Nick's got a crush on a girl who is way out of his league.
- Oh - Ooh - Do you want a boom box? - You gonna invite her to winter formal? When you're my age, you don't form crushes anymore.
I'm past that.
I don't remember anything about her.
I mean, what, does she have brown hair, brown eyes, a nose? She had moxie, she ran the room, she commanded it.
(knocking on door) She's here, she's here.
All right, guys, make your hair look good.
Everybody, make your hair look good, okay? Don't embarrass me.
South-facing windows, a balcony, stainless steel appliances, and I'm guessing someone with extreme OCD that lives here to keep this place clean.
Hello, I'm Schmidt.
You were a large child.
- That's incredible.
- Yes, I-I was obese.
You look familiar.
MTV Beach House, 2003.
Oh, my God, Reagan?! REAGAN: Cece, hi.
- How are you? - Oh, my God! I'm so happy to see you.
You, too.
You look incredible.
Barely recognized you.
Well, you've never seen me dry.
Cece, y-you went to the MTV Beach House? Did you get to announce a video and then scream? - Actually, we both did.
- Yeah.
And then we hooked up.
Yeah, that's true, too.
(moans softly) Is he okay? It sounds like there's a dishwasher in his face.
I know, it's just, uh he's just processing.
(continues moaning softly) What a turn of events, the fact that you guys hooked up.
You know, that was a big summer for me.
Remember, I-I pierced my nose.
- I know.
- I forgave my mom.
I realized that I was bisexual.
I mean, of course I went for you.
I go nuts for big boobs.
I'm a real melon-felon.
Oh, trust me, I remember.
I think he's having a seizure.
CECE: No, no.
It's just that when he has to process a lot of emotions, sometimes he likes to do Nick Cannon's solo from Drumline.
Maybe it's best if you continue seeing the rest of the apartment and I will, uh, make some snacks with Schmidt here.
That's a great idea.
Reagan, I'll give you the tour.
- Winston, you don't have to come.
- No, but I want to.
- Oh, don't, you're too sweet.
- And I'm walking away.
- You can stay.
- It would be my pleasure to come.
I literally nobody wants you to come.
WINSTON (chuckles): Right this way.
Hey.
Can we talk? One second.
Yes, of course.
Why, did something of note happen? Someone I hooked up with once is potentially gonna live here.
Totally fine with it.
Okay.
As long as we both agree that open communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
Of course.
Just one second.
Be right back.
NICK: So that's where you'd put your, uh, body at night.
Alone or with somebody, up to you.
- Ooh.
- Well, I like the room.
I think I just want to get rid of the pillows, the yarn, the tote bags and anything else that makes me feel racist against white people.
That's everything Jess owns, now, isn't it, Nick? Gone.
It's all gone.
We'll take care of it.
Winston is the loft warrior.
I'm kind of the rock of the group.
Really? He's the rock of the group, and I'm sure Reagan would love to see how the rock lives.
Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
So this is my room.
I love it, it's my safe place.
This is where I write my letters to editors.
I'm a writer.
It's where I also write checks to poor people.
Charity is so important to me.
Over there, that's, of course, my bed.
That's where I dream, that's where I sleep, and, with a lucky lady, I do sex.
Do with her.
This is where I do my exercises.
I'm fascinated.
What exercises do you do? Anything that involves the body, I do.
I'm good, uh, as my coach says, horizontally and vertically.
What does that even mean? Your life coach? Uh, my trainer, my coach, my leader, my guru Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed? May God help us if it's not.
Winston, isn't there anything else you could be doing right now, like, anything? Reagan, may I show you the bathroom? Specifically, the shower? - Shower's not finished.
- I'd love that.
(chuckles) To the left.
Was that installed by a child? Yes, it was.
Uh, from a Big Brother program I initiated.
- Let's make it rain for the woman.
- She doesn't need to see it, she doesn't want to see it That's rude of you.
Rude.
Oh, look! Look at the A little boy came in here and did it.
He's gonna get better with practice.
Well, I'm gonna need a working shower, so maybe I should just Don't leave, hold on.
I If you leave, the place could be rented.
It's a hot property.
There's a lot of applications.
Who am I up against? A CEO of a major company with computers.
His name is Michael Silvergold.
Michael Silvergold.
What is his credit score? - Michael Silvergold? - Mm-hmm.
T twenty.
Twenty? Five.
Twenty-five.
Thousand.
Okay.
Just fix the shower.
It needs to be in the center of the ceiling and water needs to come out of it.
You have a cat, don't you? How'd you know? It's very obvious.
Uh Ouch shoot.
(sucks in breath) Hold on, let me see.
Okay.
You know what? Hold on a second.
We have this new heat-activated antiseptic gel.
You're gonna love it.
Astronauts use it to masturbate.
You are kind.
You are brave.
You are a Maccabee.
You are Daddy's favorite boy.
You are loved by a wonderful woman.
Deep breath in (inhales) All heart, all action.
Movement, direction, directive.
REAGAN: Is it working? - Yeah, I feel it getting hot.
- Oh, that's because it has whale in it.
- CECE: So weird.
- Yeah.
You're really good at this.
Thanks.
Well, you have good hands.
No! Back off, Beach House! So you're totally fine, huh? Are you freaking out because she hooked up with a woman? That's so boring.
Not at all.
I completely appreciate the fluidity of sexuality.
I'm basically a woman myself.
You're losing the thread.
I am freaking out, Reagan, because you're trying to steal my fiancée.
- No, I'm not.
- What are you talking about now? Everybody knows that there is a window of time before any wedding where some amazing person comes out of the woodwork and tries to steal a bride.
It's the plot of every romantic comedy.
I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here! - Who? - I don't know.
Oh, I suppose you're both too "cool" to have seen The Wedding Planner! Well, I've seen it.
You know what? I didn't even know that you were engaged.
I didn't see a ring.
I am working on it! Now get out, and you-you've crossed the line! Here's the line and you've crossed over it.
Out! No.
Schmidt, enough.
She's staying, I'm leaving.
You really don't trust me, do you? Just Cece, pl-please Darling, sit (door shuts) That went well for you.
I feel like I didn't handle that situation correctly.
(door opens, shuts) Utilities are not included.
Just wanted to make sure that didn't get lost in all of this.
Damn it.
Are you sucking on a block of cheese? No.
Oh, my God.
Here.
Take this free sample of antacids.
Consider it a parting gift.
I don't want this anyway.
Some weird friend group shenanigans.
I can't get involved.
You're a real lone wolf, huh? New day, new city? A real lady Costner.
I'm gonna take off.
So, what? You just light fires and then walk away? I'm sorry, are you blaming me for what happened with you and Cece? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just saying that it's all your fault, that you caused it.
-You're pathetic.
- Yeah? You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic, you're pathetic.
I'm amazing.
Yeah? Well, then, amaze me.
Stay and fix this.
What do you got? You can pick one thing.
Easy.
Uterus-shaped stress toy.
Not surprised.
(toy squeaking) This is really helping, thank you.
Can I also get the double-sided pen? No.
WINSTON: Hey, about earlier I'm sorry that I basically let you drown in the shower.
And then called you a soggy little bitch.
I don't know how to build a rain shower, okay?! Help me! I want to help you! But I'm gonna get wet! It's too late for you! There's still time for me! I'm sorry I squirted you with all that shampoo.
It it was supposed to be a metaphor, but I-I really just panicked, to be honest with you.
I was trying to be tough, but it came off as mean.
No, I appreciate you looking out for me.
I-I've got no chance with Reagan.
She's hot and she's cool and she's bisexual.
That means she likes men and women.
I know what bisexual means.
I can't compete with that.
That's too many people, Winston, that's all the people! It's time to stop chasing the magic.
Now I'm gonna ask out a girl who will not stop staring at me.
But why do I feel so nervous? You know, I'll tell you why you're nervous, my friend: it's because you're human.
Because you're Where the hell is my cherry? If you are so jealous that you want everyone else to know that Cece is engaged, hey, here's an idea why don't you get her a ring? Because I'm afraid that whatever ring I get her isn't gonna be good enough.
Are you worried that the ring won't be good enough or that you won't be good enough? Aren't you smart? Yeah, well, of course I am I'm in sales.
That's so funny.
I'm in marketing.
I don't care.
Look.
Cece is definitely too good for you.
I know.
No, but seriously.
Like, she's way too good for you.
No, I know that.
Like, you should have never had a shot.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- No, trust me.
I said, like, I-I've known this the whole time.
I understand quantum physics more than I understand how you ended up with Cece.
Don't you understand that this is the problem, and I don't understand where I got to where I am right now? You're right, I'm sorry.
And I'm all turned around.
I'm sorry, let me try and fix it.
You have two choices.
You can either spend the rest of your life terrified that somebody's gonna swoop in and steal Cece away or you can just love her, and thank the universe that she loves you back for some reason.
I know what I have to do.
Come on, we got to go find Cece.
You got to go find Cece.
You're in this now, too, baby.
You're responsible for my marriage.
Don't you ever call me "baby" again.
You want to make this about you, Reagan? Your car, I'm driving.
My car, I'm driving.
Your car, I'm driving.
My car, I'm driving.
Your car, you're driving.
Exactly.
I said the wrong thing.
Jen just agreed to go out with me any time, any day, anywhere.
How do you feel? Totally fine, bordering on no feeling at all.
Ah, yes, the sweet spot.
She seems really angry.
We we should probably go.
- Go! - Okay, I thought you were giving me a hug.
Oh, hey, Schmidt.
Be careful, okay? There's a guy over there that brought me flowers.
I might realize that I'm in love with him and run away.
Does he come in here often? An unfortunate start.
Look, I'm sorry for not being open with you.
The truth is-is I still can't believe that you're gonna marry me.
You spent the summer of 2003 at the MTV Beach House.
I spent that same summer watching Felicity on VHS and recording a fake radio show where I reviewed snacks.
I love you.
And I know you love me.
And so (gasps) I give you my trust.
You've always had it.
And I don't feel the need to show the world that I own you by putting some gaudy gem on your hand.
I love you.
Ha-ha! But you are getting me a real ring.
You're gonna have a diamond the size of a raisin.
We can go tomorrow.
We'll pick it out together.
(laughs) I did that.
Hey, nice job.
- Thank you.
- Let me get you a drink.
(groans) Hold on, why don't you take it easy, smush pain, I got it.
I'd like to rest my heavy head Tonight on a bed Of California stars I'd like to lay my weary bones (music stops) I'd love to feel your hand touching mine Tell me why I must keep working on Yes, I'd give my life To lay my head tonight on a bed That is a perfect old-fashioned.
I know.
(chuckles) - Magic.
- Magic! That was magic.
Okay, you guys saw magic.
I watched a hot girl pour herself a drink - and then leave without paying.
- Wait, she left? She's a robber.
Nick has a crush on a robber.
How did she leave so fast? She's amazing.
Guys, we got to go get her now.
- Let's go.
- Cece, let's go! - Ah, son of a - CECE: Schmidt, I'm coming! SCHMIDT: Let's get her! Come on! Let's go! Uh, you coming? Oh, I would.
But I have to stay here and eat pretzels.
- Okay, I'll call you with an update.
- No.
- I'll text you with an update.
- Don't.
Uh, ma'am, we're surprising her because we want her to move in with us.
See, earlier I said, "Get out!" And she did.
(Nick, Cece, Winston clamoring) Which was an embarrassing mistake by me.
I don't speak English.
Oh, where are you from? Um, outside of Connecticut.
NICK: This is a good idea.
- Great idea.
- This is a great idea.
I'm very excited.
(shushing) (music playing over headphones) ALL: We want you to move in with us! 9.
9 miles - This just got creepy.
- Why did we do this? I personally did it because I thought the idea was cinematic.
SCHMIDT: How loud is her music? CECE: We just have to get out of here quickly and quietly we can, we can go out the window.
Nobody's going anywhere.
We're not leaving without her.
I got this.
- Oh, no, no, no.
What are you doing? - No, Nick.
- I got it.
- Nick, don't.
- What are you doing? - I got it.
Shh.
ALL: Nick.
(faint music playing) Get off me! - Aw! - Ooh! Nick? (Nick groaning) What are you doing here?! Thank you for the swift kick to the face.
Perhaps you want to live in our place.
(sighs) Genuinely didn't rhyme on purpose.
I think what he's trying to say is, we want you - to come live with us.
- Yeah.
That's right.
I'm okay here.
I actually worked it out so that I get to pick out a lobster to eat at the end of every week.
It's a sick deal.
You know what's a sick deal? Friendship.
(all groan) That's an unacceptable segue way.
I actually like being a loner.
It means fewer people break into my hotel room.
Okay, well, if you're such a loner, then why did you help me with Cece? I don't know.
You could've left when I kicked you out.
You could've left when you caught me beasting that hunk of cheese.
That was disgusting.
But you stayed.
Now I'm not leaving.
And Cece's not leaving and Nick Well, Nick physically can't leave.
Winston's not leaving.
Hey, I'm Winston, by the way.
None of us are leaving until you agree to move in with us.
This is actually the kindest, creepiest thing that a group of people I've only known for four hours has ever done for me.
Ah, screw it.
- I'm gonna move in! - Hey! Yes! Okay, you're gonna hug, - we're gonna hug? Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's happening.
- NICK: I can't see what's going on, after being kicked in the head.
But I'm picturing a very happy scene.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, no! (both shouting) Help me, Reagan! I don't know how to turn it off! Oh, my (both screaming) The handle it's too tight! REAGAN: Let's try it together.
CECE: It's so wet.
I can't, - I can't get a grip on it! - No, is this, is this hot? Hmm.
Yeah, that's hot.
Aah, yeah, that's hot! Oh, God, it's too wet and slippery! No, Reagan, just if you put your I'm gonna use my teeth! - CECE: Yeah! - Okay.
- Hey, what can I get you? Can I get a beer and, uh, your number? - Actually, I'm - This woman is engaged.
Her number belongs to God now.
Thank you.
My bad, I didn't see a ring.
I'm wo I'm working on it.
That's something I'm working on.
Can't just put any ring on the hand of the most perfect woman in the world.
Now shoo.
Back to the mechanical shop or wherever it is you work.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Okay, so you're doing it again.
I'm doing what? Ever since we got engaged, you've been acting insanely jealous.
Look, all bartenders get hit on.
It's just part of the job.
Even Nick has groupies.
- Are you free tonight? - I am, yeah.
Me, too! (laughing): Oh, well, hey, well, I really hope you find something to do.
WINSTON: Nick is playing hard to get.
What was wrong with her? I just wasn't feeling it.
What's "it"? (scoffs) It's obvious.
It's, you know, it's (slurring): magic.
- What? - Hmm? Little bit of the magic thing, little bit of the - "Man stick"? - I'm not saying "man stick.
" It's what I heard.
- I'm saying "magic.
" - Oh.
I don't know, I just I want magic.
Is that so bad? I want the music to swell.
I want the wind to blow.
I-I want the clouds to part.
- Yeah.
- Love! Magic! Something exciting! Why are you yelling? Because I am embarrassed! Don't be embarrassed, man, I want magic, too.
I want her to have a metal bra, and then I got a sword in my hand, and guess what, we both wearing skirts.
And we're riding on flying horses.
That's more like dork magic.
Okay, I don't want to upset you guys, but if you keep looking for magic, you're gonna be alone forever.
Did you just say you don't mean to upset us and then tell us we're gonna end up alone? I actually don't care if I upset you.
Yeah, 'cause that's really upsetting.
You know, I got to I got to say, I'm with Aly on this one, she's making sense, which is why she always plays "smart cop" when we play "Smart Cop/Dumb Cop.
" Not a game we play.
I'm super worried you think we do, terrified.
I feel like we're playing it right now.
Great "dumb cop," great "smart cop.
" You two need to get realistic.
- You're not getting any younger, Nick.
- Wrong.
I'm in the prime of my life.
Watch me do my thing.
Show her, dude.
Get it! Show her what you got, Nick.
(chuckles with exertion) See it? See it? Do you see it? Is it up? Can you see it? (chuckles with exertion) Winston, call an ambulance.
I smushed every bone in my back.
(groans) Looks like you got "old man back.
" - Welcome to the club.
- Looks like a cool club.
(laughing) Ugh, you hear that? Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you.
Aly was right.
We are getting older.
Ugh, don't remind me.
I don't want to be alone forever.
Maybe it's time I start looking at my love life more realistically.
Huh.
I feel like one of those characters in the show Sax and the City talking about this.
Oh, no, you mean, um, uh, Sex and the City.
I'm talking about the one with the four ladies in a jazz band.
- That's not a show.
- Carrie, Miranda, - No.
- the other one and the older one.
You're thinking of Sex and the City.
They would never allow that 'cause of the title.
(chuckles) Anyway, man, I'm with you, you know? I think we should be more realistic about who we're dating.
We got to keep each other from dreaming.
(both chuckle) - So if you see me dreaming - Pinch you.
- Well, don't pinch me, but just let me know.
- Okay.
- Let's make a deal.
- Let's make a deal.
- I got your back, you got my back.
- Yeah.
- It's time.
- It's time.
Why did y? Reagan Lucas to see Dr.
Richards.
I'm so sorry, Dr.
Richards is He's right behind that water cooler.
Why don't I see any orders for Recombinex from you this month, Don? Well, um What is this? Spectavir, Donny? Are you kidding me? Maybe we can talk when you've When I've had a chance to consult my physician about the possible side effects of Spectavir? Side effects which include dry mouth and diarrhea, wet mouth and constipation, butt sneezing, hysterical deafness, unwelcomed night-running, dusty semen You know what, why don't I put in an order for Recombinex.
Ooh, great, but only if you want to.
Anything else I can do for you? Not unless you can get me a hotel room downtown for the next month.
My company is putting me at the Redbrick Lodge and Seafood Hut.
Ugh.
My key is a fish.
We have a room we have a room available.
I overheard you, sorry we have a room.
Uh, my name is Nick, uh, Nicholas for long.
Uh, my friend and I have a lovely room for rent in our loft downtown.
You see, our old roommate is on jury duty.
Her name is Jess, Jessica.
We had a little "will they/won't they.
" Then we did, and then we fought a little bit too much.
- We still have a really nice thing.
- WINSTON: Excuse me, ma'am.
I am truly sorry for my friend here, but I am sure it is not realistic that you would want to rent a place from total strangers.
Normally, no, but I have a lobster tank in my bedroom.
- We have no lobsters.
- What is the rent like? What do you want it to be? I don't care.
- What? - Cheap.
- Amenities? - Yeah, we got those.
You got a rain shower? I love a rain shower.
Rain shower? Crazy enough, we were installing one today.
Well, you are weirdly checking all of my boxes, so I'll come take a look.
Great, good, the, uh, the address is right here on the form under my name.
Great, I'll see you tonight.
Good luck with your "smush pain that feels like everything came out of the sandwich.
" Doesn't even hurt that much, actually.
Nick, this is crazy.
Come on, man.
We agreed to not let each other do exactly this anymore.
Do I have to get tough with you? Just admit it, you're jealous.
Uh, I'm not, I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you.
You know, jacked dudes, swole dudes, yoked dudes.
What in Megyn Kelly's America are you doing, Nick? I'm installing a high-end shower.
Nick's got a crush on a girl who is way out of his league.
- Oh - Ooh - Do you want a boom box? - You gonna invite her to winter formal? When you're my age, you don't form crushes anymore.
I'm past that.
I don't remember anything about her.
I mean, what, does she have brown hair, brown eyes, a nose? She had moxie, she ran the room, she commanded it.
(knocking on door) She's here, she's here.
All right, guys, make your hair look good.
Everybody, make your hair look good, okay? Don't embarrass me.
South-facing windows, a balcony, stainless steel appliances, and I'm guessing someone with extreme OCD that lives here to keep this place clean.
Hello, I'm Schmidt.
You were a large child.
- That's incredible.
- Yes, I-I was obese.
You look familiar.
MTV Beach House, 2003.
Oh, my God, Reagan?! REAGAN: Cece, hi.
- How are you? - Oh, my God! I'm so happy to see you.
You, too.
You look incredible.
Barely recognized you.
Well, you've never seen me dry.
Cece, y-you went to the MTV Beach House? Did you get to announce a video and then scream? - Actually, we both did.
- Yeah.
And then we hooked up.
Yeah, that's true, too.
(moans softly) Is he okay? It sounds like there's a dishwasher in his face.
I know, it's just, uh he's just processing.
(continues moaning softly) What a turn of events, the fact that you guys hooked up.
You know, that was a big summer for me.
Remember, I-I pierced my nose.
- I know.
- I forgave my mom.
I realized that I was bisexual.
I mean, of course I went for you.
I go nuts for big boobs.
I'm a real melon-felon.
Oh, trust me, I remember.
I think he's having a seizure.
CECE: No, no.
It's just that when he has to process a lot of emotions, sometimes he likes to do Nick Cannon's solo from Drumline.
Maybe it's best if you continue seeing the rest of the apartment and I will, uh, make some snacks with Schmidt here.
That's a great idea.
Reagan, I'll give you the tour.
- Winston, you don't have to come.
- No, but I want to.
- Oh, don't, you're too sweet.
- And I'm walking away.
- You can stay.
- It would be my pleasure to come.
I literally nobody wants you to come.
WINSTON (chuckles): Right this way.
Hey.
Can we talk? One second.
Yes, of course.
Why, did something of note happen? Someone I hooked up with once is potentially gonna live here.
Totally fine with it.
Okay.
As long as we both agree that open communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
Of course.
Just one second.
Be right back.
NICK: So that's where you'd put your, uh, body at night.
Alone or with somebody, up to you.
- Ooh.
- Well, I like the room.
I think I just want to get rid of the pillows, the yarn, the tote bags and anything else that makes me feel racist against white people.
That's everything Jess owns, now, isn't it, Nick? Gone.
It's all gone.
We'll take care of it.
Winston is the loft warrior.
I'm kind of the rock of the group.
Really? He's the rock of the group, and I'm sure Reagan would love to see how the rock lives.
Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
So this is my room.
I love it, it's my safe place.
This is where I write my letters to editors.
I'm a writer.
It's where I also write checks to poor people.
Charity is so important to me.
Over there, that's, of course, my bed.
That's where I dream, that's where I sleep, and, with a lucky lady, I do sex.
Do with her.
This is where I do my exercises.
I'm fascinated.
What exercises do you do? Anything that involves the body, I do.
I'm good, uh, as my coach says, horizontally and vertically.
What does that even mean? Your life coach? Uh, my trainer, my coach, my leader, my guru Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed? May God help us if it's not.
Winston, isn't there anything else you could be doing right now, like, anything? Reagan, may I show you the bathroom? Specifically, the shower? - Shower's not finished.
- I'd love that.
(chuckles) To the left.
Was that installed by a child? Yes, it was.
Uh, from a Big Brother program I initiated.
- Let's make it rain for the woman.
- She doesn't need to see it, she doesn't want to see it That's rude of you.
Rude.
Oh, look! Look at the A little boy came in here and did it.
He's gonna get better with practice.
Well, I'm gonna need a working shower, so maybe I should just Don't leave, hold on.
I If you leave, the place could be rented.
It's a hot property.
There's a lot of applications.
Who am I up against? A CEO of a major company with computers.
His name is Michael Silvergold.
Michael Silvergold.
What is his credit score? - Michael Silvergold? - Mm-hmm.
T twenty.
Twenty? Five.
Twenty-five.
Thousand.
Okay.
Just fix the shower.
It needs to be in the center of the ceiling and water needs to come out of it.
You have a cat, don't you? How'd you know? It's very obvious.
Uh Ouch shoot.
(sucks in breath) Hold on, let me see.
Okay.
You know what? Hold on a second.
We have this new heat-activated antiseptic gel.
You're gonna love it.
Astronauts use it to masturbate.
You are kind.
You are brave.
You are a Maccabee.
You are Daddy's favorite boy.
You are loved by a wonderful woman.
Deep breath in (inhales) All heart, all action.
Movement, direction, directive.
REAGAN: Is it working? - Yeah, I feel it getting hot.
- Oh, that's because it has whale in it.
- CECE: So weird.
- Yeah.
You're really good at this.
Thanks.
Well, you have good hands.
No! Back off, Beach House! So you're totally fine, huh? Are you freaking out because she hooked up with a woman? That's so boring.
Not at all.
I completely appreciate the fluidity of sexuality.
I'm basically a woman myself.
You're losing the thread.
I am freaking out, Reagan, because you're trying to steal my fiancée.
- No, I'm not.
- What are you talking about now? Everybody knows that there is a window of time before any wedding where some amazing person comes out of the woodwork and tries to steal a bride.
It's the plot of every romantic comedy.
I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here! - Who? - I don't know.
Oh, I suppose you're both too "cool" to have seen The Wedding Planner! Well, I've seen it.
You know what? I didn't even know that you were engaged.
I didn't see a ring.
I am working on it! Now get out, and you-you've crossed the line! Here's the line and you've crossed over it.
Out! No.
Schmidt, enough.
She's staying, I'm leaving.
You really don't trust me, do you? Just Cece, pl-please Darling, sit (door shuts) That went well for you.
I feel like I didn't handle that situation correctly.
(door opens, shuts) Utilities are not included.
Just wanted to make sure that didn't get lost in all of this.
Damn it.
Are you sucking on a block of cheese? No.
Oh, my God.
Here.
Take this free sample of antacids.
Consider it a parting gift.
I don't want this anyway.
Some weird friend group shenanigans.
I can't get involved.
You're a real lone wolf, huh? New day, new city? A real lady Costner.
I'm gonna take off.
So, what? You just light fires and then walk away? I'm sorry, are you blaming me for what happened with you and Cece? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just saying that it's all your fault, that you caused it.
-You're pathetic.
- Yeah? You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic.
- You're pathetic, you're pathetic.
I'm amazing.
Yeah? Well, then, amaze me.
Stay and fix this.
What do you got? You can pick one thing.
Easy.
Uterus-shaped stress toy.
Not surprised.
(toy squeaking) This is really helping, thank you.
Can I also get the double-sided pen? No.
WINSTON: Hey, about earlier I'm sorry that I basically let you drown in the shower.
And then called you a soggy little bitch.
I don't know how to build a rain shower, okay?! Help me! I want to help you! But I'm gonna get wet! It's too late for you! There's still time for me! I'm sorry I squirted you with all that shampoo.
It it was supposed to be a metaphor, but I-I really just panicked, to be honest with you.
I was trying to be tough, but it came off as mean.
No, I appreciate you looking out for me.
I-I've got no chance with Reagan.
She's hot and she's cool and she's bisexual.
That means she likes men and women.
I know what bisexual means.
I can't compete with that.
That's too many people, Winston, that's all the people! It's time to stop chasing the magic.
Now I'm gonna ask out a girl who will not stop staring at me.
But why do I feel so nervous? You know, I'll tell you why you're nervous, my friend: it's because you're human.
Because you're Where the hell is my cherry? If you are so jealous that you want everyone else to know that Cece is engaged, hey, here's an idea why don't you get her a ring? Because I'm afraid that whatever ring I get her isn't gonna be good enough.
Are you worried that the ring won't be good enough or that you won't be good enough? Aren't you smart? Yeah, well, of course I am I'm in sales.
That's so funny.
I'm in marketing.
I don't care.
Look.
Cece is definitely too good for you.
I know.
No, but seriously.
Like, she's way too good for you.
No, I know that.
Like, you should have never had a shot.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- No, trust me.
I said, like, I-I've known this the whole time.
I understand quantum physics more than I understand how you ended up with Cece.
Don't you understand that this is the problem, and I don't understand where I got to where I am right now? You're right, I'm sorry.
And I'm all turned around.
I'm sorry, let me try and fix it.
You have two choices.
You can either spend the rest of your life terrified that somebody's gonna swoop in and steal Cece away or you can just love her, and thank the universe that she loves you back for some reason.
I know what I have to do.
Come on, we got to go find Cece.
You got to go find Cece.
You're in this now, too, baby.
You're responsible for my marriage.
Don't you ever call me "baby" again.
You want to make this about you, Reagan? Your car, I'm driving.
My car, I'm driving.
Your car, I'm driving.
My car, I'm driving.
Your car, you're driving.
Exactly.
I said the wrong thing.
Jen just agreed to go out with me any time, any day, anywhere.
How do you feel? Totally fine, bordering on no feeling at all.
Ah, yes, the sweet spot.
She seems really angry.
We we should probably go.
- Go! - Okay, I thought you were giving me a hug.
Oh, hey, Schmidt.
Be careful, okay? There's a guy over there that brought me flowers.
I might realize that I'm in love with him and run away.
Does he come in here often? An unfortunate start.
Look, I'm sorry for not being open with you.
The truth is-is I still can't believe that you're gonna marry me.
You spent the summer of 2003 at the MTV Beach House.
I spent that same summer watching Felicity on VHS and recording a fake radio show where I reviewed snacks.
I love you.
And I know you love me.
And so (gasps) I give you my trust.
You've always had it.
And I don't feel the need to show the world that I own you by putting some gaudy gem on your hand.
I love you.
Ha-ha! But you are getting me a real ring.
You're gonna have a diamond the size of a raisin.
We can go tomorrow.
We'll pick it out together.
(laughs) I did that.
Hey, nice job.
- Thank you.
- Let me get you a drink.
(groans) Hold on, why don't you take it easy, smush pain, I got it.
I'd like to rest my heavy head Tonight on a bed Of California stars I'd like to lay my weary bones (music stops) I'd love to feel your hand touching mine Tell me why I must keep working on Yes, I'd give my life To lay my head tonight on a bed That is a perfect old-fashioned.
I know.
(chuckles) - Magic.
- Magic! That was magic.
Okay, you guys saw magic.
I watched a hot girl pour herself a drink - and then leave without paying.
- Wait, she left? She's a robber.
Nick has a crush on a robber.
How did she leave so fast? She's amazing.
Guys, we got to go get her now.
- Let's go.
- Cece, let's go! - Ah, son of a - CECE: Schmidt, I'm coming! SCHMIDT: Let's get her! Come on! Let's go! Uh, you coming? Oh, I would.
But I have to stay here and eat pretzels.
- Okay, I'll call you with an update.
- No.
- I'll text you with an update.
- Don't.
Uh, ma'am, we're surprising her because we want her to move in with us.
See, earlier I said, "Get out!" And she did.
(Nick, Cece, Winston clamoring) Which was an embarrassing mistake by me.
I don't speak English.
Oh, where are you from? Um, outside of Connecticut.
NICK: This is a good idea.
- Great idea.
- This is a great idea.
I'm very excited.
(shushing) (music playing over headphones) ALL: We want you to move in with us! 9.
9 miles - This just got creepy.
- Why did we do this? I personally did it because I thought the idea was cinematic.
SCHMIDT: How loud is her music? CECE: We just have to get out of here quickly and quietly we can, we can go out the window.
Nobody's going anywhere.
We're not leaving without her.
I got this.
- Oh, no, no, no.
What are you doing? - No, Nick.
- I got it.
- Nick, don't.
- What are you doing? - I got it.
Shh.
ALL: Nick.
(faint music playing) Get off me! - Aw! - Ooh! Nick? (Nick groaning) What are you doing here?! Thank you for the swift kick to the face.
Perhaps you want to live in our place.
(sighs) Genuinely didn't rhyme on purpose.
I think what he's trying to say is, we want you - to come live with us.
- Yeah.
That's right.
I'm okay here.
I actually worked it out so that I get to pick out a lobster to eat at the end of every week.
It's a sick deal.
You know what's a sick deal? Friendship.
(all groan) That's an unacceptable segue way.
I actually like being a loner.
It means fewer people break into my hotel room.
Okay, well, if you're such a loner, then why did you help me with Cece? I don't know.
You could've left when I kicked you out.
You could've left when you caught me beasting that hunk of cheese.
That was disgusting.
But you stayed.
Now I'm not leaving.
And Cece's not leaving and Nick Well, Nick physically can't leave.
Winston's not leaving.
Hey, I'm Winston, by the way.
None of us are leaving until you agree to move in with us.
This is actually the kindest, creepiest thing that a group of people I've only known for four hours has ever done for me.
Ah, screw it.
- I'm gonna move in! - Hey! Yes! Okay, you're gonna hug, - we're gonna hug? Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's happening.
- NICK: I can't see what's going on, after being kicked in the head.
But I'm picturing a very happy scene.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, no! (both shouting) Help me, Reagan! I don't know how to turn it off! Oh, my (both screaming) The handle it's too tight! REAGAN: Let's try it together.
CECE: It's so wet.
I can't, - I can't get a grip on it! - No, is this, is this hot? Hmm.
Yeah, that's hot.
Aah, yeah, that's hot! Oh, God, it's too wet and slippery! No, Reagan, just if you put your I'm gonna use my teeth! - CECE: Yeah! - Okay.