NewsRadio (1995) s05e06 Episode Script
Jail (1)
Uh, anybody else have any story ideas? Uh, Max? I have to go to the bathroom.
You don't have to ask for permission, all right? I know, but I hate to miss anything at the meeting, so if you could just pause until I get back.
Fine, we won't do anything till you get back.
Thank you.
All right.
Anybody else have any story ideas? Me, me, me, me.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Oh, Matthew.
Thank you, Dave.
Well, my sources say that the FBI is close to making an arrest in that, uh, D.
B.
Cooper case.
LISA: Matthew.
Would your sources, by any chance, be today's New York Post? Lisa, a reporter never reveals his sources.
Do you even know who D.
B.
Cooper is? Yeah, he's the, um On November 24th, 1971, a man calling himself D.
B.
Cooper hijacked a plane and ransomed it for $200,000 and successfully parachuted away with the loot never to be seen or heard from again.
Some think he survived the jump and lived happily ever after.
No way, D.
B.
Cooper parachuted to his death.
End of story.
Dave, I'd like to interject something here.
Oh, of course, sir.
I don't think this story shows much promise.
Yeah, well, actually, I have no intention of doing a story on D .
B.
Cooper-- I don't wanna tell you how to do your job.
I'm just-- I'm just saying, D.
B.
Cooper, who cares? Uh, yeah, once again, sir, I agree with you, so-- So, I, for one, if you don't mind, would like to say that there's no way that this station should be doing a story on D.
B.
Cooper.
Well, obviously there's no way I'm gonna win this one, sir, so I'm sorry, everyone, we're not gonna do a story on D.
B.
Cooper.
The meeting is now adjourned.
Jimmy James? Yeah.
Oh, shoot.
You are under arrest for violation of Federal Interstate Hijacking Laws.
All right.
What the hell is this all about? Huh? Oh, these guys think I'm D.
B.
Cooper, so-- Have a good morning, Mr.
James.
Thank you, Max.
Did I miss anything? [.]
[.]
Right this way.
[MOANS.]
[GASPS.]
Nice ass, fresh meat.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
It's me, David.
I'm just messing with you.
I'm having fun.
Come on in here.
Thank you, Scotty.
Ah, welcome to Gattaca, son.
Eh.
Good to see you, sir.
Yeah, you too.
So-- So how's-- How's everybody at the station holding up? Oh, well, sir, you know that, uh-- Um, they're all, I mean-- Everyone's worried sick about you, obviously-- Oh, well, that's silly.
That-- That's just plain silly.
You-- You just tell them all to relax.
My main office is gonna be sending down one of my middle managers to help out.
Oh, well, that's-- That's terrific, sir.
But, you know-- Did I say sit on my bed, bitch? No! [LAUGHS.]
I'm messing with you, yeah.
Well, sir, heh.
Excellent big house humor.
Tell you what, sir, uh, you know-- We're all more concerned about, you know, how you're holding up, you know? What do you mean? Well, you-- Um You know, you're in prison, and, um You're charged with hijacking, and if you get convicted you could go away for 50 years-- And your point would be? What's the gag? What is it? Do you own, like, what? Do you own this prison or something? No.
No.
Is it like a promotional stunt for some other company you've got startin' up? Like, uh, "D.
B.
Cooper's House of Pancakes"? What? No.
It, it-- It's nothing like that.
I just happen to think that there's no way I'm gonna get convicted on this D.
B.
Cooper thing.
Yeah, well, of course not.
Of course not.
Yeah.
The government's case is all circumstantial evidence.
Absolutely.
Not one shred of hard evidence against me.
None exists, right? Exactly.
Unless they find that green duffel bag that the money was carried away in.
I mean, then I'd be worried, yeah.
But, you know, as it is-- Why would it-- Why would it worry you if-- You know, if they were to find this green duffel bag that you're talking about.
Why would that worry you? No reason.
Sir, I don't quite know how to phrase this, and so please forgive me.
Um, but Are you in any way guilty? Dave.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
And? That's it.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
[.]
LISA: Hey, Dave.
How's Mr.
James doing? Oh, uh, well, I guess all things considered, he's, uh, pretty comfortable.
Oh, great.
Listen.
Next time you visit him, see if you can slip him this.
A shiv? Yeah.
It's the one I used back when I was in juvie.
That bad boy saved my life.
Oh, look, you've even written "bad boy" on it.
Well, as you might imagine, I had a little bit of free time on my hands.
Yeah, I can imagine.
Have you started working on a story on D.
B.
Cooper? Yes, I have, and I've uncovered a lot of evidence that looks really good for Mr.
James.
Oh, good, good.
For example, the flight D.
B.
Cooper hijacked was out of Portland, Oregon.
And as for the FBI's theory, Mr.
James did not live in Portland at the time.
Oh, good.
Where did he live? Maplewood.
Oh, where's that? S-Suburb of Portland, but-- I-I-I talked to a couple of the locals, and apparently it is quite a drive.
Well-- Joe.
Joe, what are you doing? What does it look like we're doing? We're practicing busting Mr.
James out of federal prison.
Duhhh.
Nobody is busting Mr.
James out of prison, all right? That's right, if anybody comes around here asking questions, that's exactly what you tell them.
Okay, ready? Get set.
Go.
Okay, Joe has five seconds to crawl through the air duct and drop into the booth.
Time! Got anything else for me? Um, yeah, I got some little stuff.
I have some of Mr.
James' old bank records from the time of the hijacking.
Nothing incriminating, I hope? No, no, no.
Just a couple of large-- Large, what? Large, um-- Large what? Large unsubstantiated cash deposits made a week after the hijacking.
But I'm sure he can explain it.
Lisa, um, we are journalists.
And as such, we must try to be unbiased.
Absolutely.
But I would prefer it if the evidence that puts Mr.
James away for life did actually not come from this station.
Me too, Dave.
I can't help what I found.
I'm trying the best spin on it I know how.
I know, I know.
Just let me have a look here.
Now, it's all right, um Matthew, you're on the D.
B.
Cooper story.
What? [SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
Well, that was very pathetic.
Let's do it again.
[SIGHS.]
Max, what are you doing under my desk? Hiding.
Mm-hm.
Obviously.
Now stop it and get up.
All right, now, who are you hiding from? G-men.
They got Mr.
James.
What if they get me next? Max, they're not gonna get you.
You're not guilty of anything.
Well, neither is Mr.
James.
Right.
Look, I know it's silly, but, I don't know It's just like ever since I was a kid, I've just had this unnatural fear of prisons.
Look, Max, everybody's afraid of prison.
Not like me.
I can just see it.
Those cold lesbian guards with their long batons.
The chow line.
Where everybody tries to look up your skirt.
Max, I-- I just came back from visiting Mr.
James.
It's nothing like that.
All right? Now, look, Dave.
I've seen enough women-in-prison movies to know what it's really like behind bars.
Is there a Dave Nelson in here? Um What was that? Uh, that, um-- Oh, that was nothing.
Uh, can I help you? Johnny Johnson, Executive Vice President for Eastern Operations for Jimmy James Incorporated.
Oh, yes, Mr.
James said you'd be coming by.
Hi, I'm Dave Nelson.
I'm a fan, Dave.
Yeah, I flew in from Kuala Lumpur the second I heard of this foolishness.
Oh.
Hey, is that Max Lewis I see down there? MAX: It is.
Man, I'd give anything to hear your dulcet tones on the air.
I'm hiding from the FBI! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, you don't have to worry about that, buddy.
If the feds come for you, they gotta go through me first.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Oh, then you got it, boss.
Dulcet tones it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
I like that little rascal.
Uh-huh.
So the, uh-- The rest of the staff pretty stressed out? Uh, yeah, pretty much.
Then I guess it's up to us to cheer 'em up.
Let's roll, partner.
Uh, listen up, everybody.
My name is Johnny Johnson.
I work for Jimmy too.
I'm here to help you guys out during this crisis.
Yeah.
Oh, great.
Well, when is Mr.
James coming back? Is he coming back soon? Well, you know, that's-- I see you're holding a stopwatch.
Yeah.
Can that thing measure a New York minute? Because Jimmy could be coming through that door any minute.
This is New York City.
I think the best thing we can do for him is to, uh keep this operation running at peak efficiency until he gets back.
Don't you think that's right, Dave? Well, I-- You know it, pal.
You.
You have the build of a man who fixes things, makes them work.
Am I right? Yeah.
I want you to run another phone line for me into Dave's office.
Oh, I'm kinda busy right now.
Actually, we're practicing to bust Mr.
James out of the slammer.
Wow.
When Jimmy told me you guys had heart, he just didn't say how big.
Okay, you keep planning.
But first, why don't you fix that phone line while you go order lunch for everybody on me.
Sounds good to me.
Thanks, Johnny.
Oh, uh, uh Johnny Johnson.
You must be Lisa Miller.
How'd you know that? You don't have to work in a rose garden to recognize an American Beauty.
Uh, thank you, Mr.
Johnson.
No, please.
Johnny.
And that goes for everybody in this office.
I don't see any misters around here.
Hey, Johnny, did you hear me? I was just on the air.
Sorry, slugger, I missed you this time.
Oh, well, I-- I can't do it if you don't listen, boss.
Yes, you can.
I wasn't talking to you.
[.]
[WHISTLING AND HECKLING.]
MAN: Yeah, sweet stuff.
[MEN HOOTING.]
Everyone here is so friendly.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're good guys, good guys.
So, uh, Matthew, what-- What brings you to prison? Murder.
Ha-ha.
I'm just kidding.
I'm, uh, here to interview you.
Oh, okay, fine.
I got-- I got no secrets from the press.
Okay.
Have a seat there.
Good, because I'm not pulling any punches on this one.
Uh-huh.
Okay? The kid gloves are off.
Okey-doke.
You just fire away, Mike Wallace.
No.
Matthew.
Go ahead.
Okay, well, let me, uh, get right to the question All right.
that's on everybody's mind.
Mr.
James, are you Doobie Keebler? No, uh, Matthew, I can definitively state that no, I am not Doobie Keebler.
Good answer, good answer.
Thanks.
Anything else? Yes.
Do you know where Doobie Keebler is? No.
What's your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving.
And what's your favorite color? Purple.
Are you Doobie Keebler? No.
[WHISTLES.]
You are good.
Well-- Well, that about wraps it up for me.
Okay, well, good, good, uh Good interview.
Okay.
So, how's the-- How's the gang at the station doing? Oh, um They were pretty tense.
Yeah? Yeah, until that guy, uh, came from your office and he helped relax everybody.
Oh, who'd-- Who'd they send down? Oh, um, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it.
Doobie Kee-- Oh.
Johnny Johnson? [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's funny.
No, no, see? What? No, it can't be Johnny Johnson.
He's-- He's in Kuala Lumpur.
No, it is.
I wrote it down.
No, it can't be.
Can't be Johnny Johnson.
Wait a minute.
A tall, heavyset guy.
Yeah.
Devilishly handsome.
Real touchy feely? Yes.
No, no, it can't be him.
I feel him, I feel him.
Are you okay? Constricted a little bit.
I don't know.
I feel like a caged animal, son.
I got to get outta here.
Let me out! [YELLING.]
Let me outta here! Let me outta here! Let me outta here! [.]
DAVE: Johnny.
Did you put Lisa back on the D.
B.
Cooper story? I thought that's what you wanted, guy? No, that's what I did not want.
That was entirely your idea.
Wow, modesty.
You really are the complete package, aren't you? Hey, I pressed your jacket like you asked, boss.
Well, I didn't ask, and that's not my jacket.
But thanks anyways, champ.
Good work.
You bet, boss.
Now, listen, if you fellas will excuse me, I gotta make some calls.
Would you like me to dial them for you? Not this time, but maybe later.
Say, Max, what the hell are you doing? I just can't help myself.
I feel so safe around him.
Don't you? Well, I don't feel like he's going to attack me or anything.
Is that what you mean? Exactly.
Not like the others.
[GRUNTS AND WHISTLES.]
[COUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
I gotta tell you something.
What? Privately.
Privately.
What? Privately.
I forgot to tell you something really important that Mr.
James told me about Johnny Johnson yesterday.
All right, what? What is it? Okay, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget.
Come on, come on, come on.
What is it? Uh, "He's evil and must be stopped at all costs.
" I'll have to assume you're misquoting him, all right? No, no, no.
Actually, he wrote this down.
What? See? That's not my handwriting.
"He's evil and must be stopped at all costs.
Help me.
" Matthew, why-- Why didn't you tell me about this earlier? Kinda busy, Dave.
You're-- You're the one that assigned me the Dobie Gillis story.
Look, Matthew, just tell everybody that I've gone down to talk to Mr.
James, all right? Right, right, right.
Everybody, Mr.
James-- Should have wrote that one down.
D-Dave-- [.]
Have a seat.
Ah.
You're not gonna shout "bitch" at me again, are you? No, Dave.
Sadly, the time for jokes has passed.
This is serious business.
All right.
Now, sir, now Really right now, don't you think you have more important worries than this Johnny Johnson guy? Oh, Dave, being accused of a major felony is nothing unless that green duffel bag magically reappears.
But what is not nothing is Johnny Johnson.
He represents a threat to my entire corporate empire.
It's like he's been waiting years for an opportunity like that.
Well, sir, if he's out to take over your corporate empire, why is he just hanging around the station? Dave, I have a corporate empire.
Why do I spend so much time hanging around the station? You know, I don't know.
Because it is the heart of the beast.
Oh, all right, sir.
Then, uh-- I'll just have to go down there and throw him out of the building.
Oh, Dave.
You know I think the world of you.
You know I do.
But I mean, Johnny Johnson eats the hearts of little guys like you for breakfast.
Sir, I'm serious.
Well, so am I.
Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur? [.]
All right.
You'll find him in that office right over there, gentlemen.
This won't take a second.
Dave, what's going on? What-- What are you doing? I'm having Johnny thrown out of the building.
Why? Well, because Mr.
James says he's evil.
Dave, don't make up lies about Johnny just because you're jealous of him.
Seriously, Dave.
Matthew, you're--- You're the one who first told me that he was evil.
Yeah, that's before I got to know him.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay, okay.
Good to see you guys again.
All right, who's the prankster? Dave? You almost got me.
[LAUGHS.]
Good thing I hired those guys in the first place.
Honestly, I can't turn my back on this place.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, he's evil, all right? Look, he's evil.
Come on.
Come on, you-- Look-- Oh, never mind.
LISA: What's going on, Dave? Oh, nothing.
Just that, uh-- Johnny Johnson is evil.
He's trying to take over Mr.
James' corporate empire, and nobody believes me.
You know what? I suspected something like that myself.
You did? Yeah.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, sure he's-- He's charming, you know? And he's handsome.
And he's got a really impressive physique.
What exactly is your point? Well, I mean-- Maybe he's a little bit too charming, you know? A little bit too charismatic.
A little bit too sensual.
Again, get to the point.
Well-- It just makes you think he's up to something.
That's all.
Well, yes.
I mean, I'm glad somebody else can see that.
That's why I'm having drinks with him tonight.
Well, he asked me.
And I think it would be a good chance to maybe try and figure out what he's plotting, you know? Yeah, that sounds a good plan.
Okay.
Good, uh Uh, do you mind if I knock off early? Why? 'Cause I wanna change.
What-- What? Dave, Johnny's evil.
He's not blind.
Listen, I think it's about time you and I had a little-- Where's all the stuff from my desk? Well, I had it stored.
I hope you don't mind.
I do mind.
I mind quite a bit.
And why do you still have my mother's picture out? Oh, is this your mother? Yeah Handsome woman.
Okay, you know what? Johnny, you're just-- You're not welcome here anymore.
Do you understand that? Dave, if I thought you really meant that, I'd just pack up my bag and go.
Well, I wish you-- [MOANS.]
That's, uh-- Ooh, that's, uh-- That's quite the green duffel bag you've got there.
You like it? It used to belong to Jimmy.
I found it while going through some of his old stuff.
W-where? Landfill in Mongolia.
Long story.
Hey, I think I know what this is about.
Heh.
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Hey.
I get sensitive about my mom too.
It's cool.
Hey, guys, you have to hear this.
Come on.
LISA [ON RADIO.]
: To repeat, billionaire media mogul Jimmy James, accused of being legendary skyjacker D.
B.
Cooper, escaped from downtown Federal Detention Center just a few minutes ago.
Authorities are launching a massive manhunt.
More news as it breaks.
Beth, Joe didn't, uh--? Dave, trust me.
I worked with the guy all week.
He's a washout.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Everything's gonna be okay, right, Johnny? All we can do is hope and pray that Jimmy knows what he's doing.
If you'll excuse me.
[LAUGHING.]
There.
Do you hear that? Huh? Do you hear that? What, Dave? The sound of Johnny weeping? He's not weeping.
He's laughing.
Maniacally.
At least he can cry.
He's-- [GROANS.]
Go.
[ALARM WAILING.]
Mr.
James? The cavalry has arrived.
What the hell's goin' on? Jimmy James just escaped.
Oh, man! [GRUNTS.]
Hey, somebody wanna give me a boost? A little help? Anybody? [.]
You don't have to ask for permission, all right? I know, but I hate to miss anything at the meeting, so if you could just pause until I get back.
Fine, we won't do anything till you get back.
Thank you.
All right.
Anybody else have any story ideas? Me, me, me, me.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Oh, Matthew.
Thank you, Dave.
Well, my sources say that the FBI is close to making an arrest in that, uh, D.
B.
Cooper case.
LISA: Matthew.
Would your sources, by any chance, be today's New York Post? Lisa, a reporter never reveals his sources.
Do you even know who D.
B.
Cooper is? Yeah, he's the, um On November 24th, 1971, a man calling himself D.
B.
Cooper hijacked a plane and ransomed it for $200,000 and successfully parachuted away with the loot never to be seen or heard from again.
Some think he survived the jump and lived happily ever after.
No way, D.
B.
Cooper parachuted to his death.
End of story.
Dave, I'd like to interject something here.
Oh, of course, sir.
I don't think this story shows much promise.
Yeah, well, actually, I have no intention of doing a story on D .
B.
Cooper-- I don't wanna tell you how to do your job.
I'm just-- I'm just saying, D.
B.
Cooper, who cares? Uh, yeah, once again, sir, I agree with you, so-- So, I, for one, if you don't mind, would like to say that there's no way that this station should be doing a story on D.
B.
Cooper.
Well, obviously there's no way I'm gonna win this one, sir, so I'm sorry, everyone, we're not gonna do a story on D.
B.
Cooper.
The meeting is now adjourned.
Jimmy James? Yeah.
Oh, shoot.
You are under arrest for violation of Federal Interstate Hijacking Laws.
All right.
What the hell is this all about? Huh? Oh, these guys think I'm D.
B.
Cooper, so-- Have a good morning, Mr.
James.
Thank you, Max.
Did I miss anything? [.]
[.]
Right this way.
[MOANS.]
[GASPS.]
Nice ass, fresh meat.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
It's me, David.
I'm just messing with you.
I'm having fun.
Come on in here.
Thank you, Scotty.
Ah, welcome to Gattaca, son.
Eh.
Good to see you, sir.
Yeah, you too.
So-- So how's-- How's everybody at the station holding up? Oh, well, sir, you know that, uh-- Um, they're all, I mean-- Everyone's worried sick about you, obviously-- Oh, well, that's silly.
That-- That's just plain silly.
You-- You just tell them all to relax.
My main office is gonna be sending down one of my middle managers to help out.
Oh, well, that's-- That's terrific, sir.
But, you know-- Did I say sit on my bed, bitch? No! [LAUGHS.]
I'm messing with you, yeah.
Well, sir, heh.
Excellent big house humor.
Tell you what, sir, uh, you know-- We're all more concerned about, you know, how you're holding up, you know? What do you mean? Well, you-- Um You know, you're in prison, and, um You're charged with hijacking, and if you get convicted you could go away for 50 years-- And your point would be? What's the gag? What is it? Do you own, like, what? Do you own this prison or something? No.
No.
Is it like a promotional stunt for some other company you've got startin' up? Like, uh, "D.
B.
Cooper's House of Pancakes"? What? No.
It, it-- It's nothing like that.
I just happen to think that there's no way I'm gonna get convicted on this D.
B.
Cooper thing.
Yeah, well, of course not.
Of course not.
Yeah.
The government's case is all circumstantial evidence.
Absolutely.
Not one shred of hard evidence against me.
None exists, right? Exactly.
Unless they find that green duffel bag that the money was carried away in.
I mean, then I'd be worried, yeah.
But, you know, as it is-- Why would it-- Why would it worry you if-- You know, if they were to find this green duffel bag that you're talking about.
Why would that worry you? No reason.
Sir, I don't quite know how to phrase this, and so please forgive me.
Um, but Are you in any way guilty? Dave.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
And? That's it.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
[.]
LISA: Hey, Dave.
How's Mr.
James doing? Oh, uh, well, I guess all things considered, he's, uh, pretty comfortable.
Oh, great.
Listen.
Next time you visit him, see if you can slip him this.
A shiv? Yeah.
It's the one I used back when I was in juvie.
That bad boy saved my life.
Oh, look, you've even written "bad boy" on it.
Well, as you might imagine, I had a little bit of free time on my hands.
Yeah, I can imagine.
Have you started working on a story on D.
B.
Cooper? Yes, I have, and I've uncovered a lot of evidence that looks really good for Mr.
James.
Oh, good, good.
For example, the flight D.
B.
Cooper hijacked was out of Portland, Oregon.
And as for the FBI's theory, Mr.
James did not live in Portland at the time.
Oh, good.
Where did he live? Maplewood.
Oh, where's that? S-Suburb of Portland, but-- I-I-I talked to a couple of the locals, and apparently it is quite a drive.
Well-- Joe.
Joe, what are you doing? What does it look like we're doing? We're practicing busting Mr.
James out of federal prison.
Duhhh.
Nobody is busting Mr.
James out of prison, all right? That's right, if anybody comes around here asking questions, that's exactly what you tell them.
Okay, ready? Get set.
Go.
Okay, Joe has five seconds to crawl through the air duct and drop into the booth.
Time! Got anything else for me? Um, yeah, I got some little stuff.
I have some of Mr.
James' old bank records from the time of the hijacking.
Nothing incriminating, I hope? No, no, no.
Just a couple of large-- Large, what? Large, um-- Large what? Large unsubstantiated cash deposits made a week after the hijacking.
But I'm sure he can explain it.
Lisa, um, we are journalists.
And as such, we must try to be unbiased.
Absolutely.
But I would prefer it if the evidence that puts Mr.
James away for life did actually not come from this station.
Me too, Dave.
I can't help what I found.
I'm trying the best spin on it I know how.
I know, I know.
Just let me have a look here.
Now, it's all right, um Matthew, you're on the D.
B.
Cooper story.
What? [SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
Well, that was very pathetic.
Let's do it again.
[SIGHS.]
Max, what are you doing under my desk? Hiding.
Mm-hm.
Obviously.
Now stop it and get up.
All right, now, who are you hiding from? G-men.
They got Mr.
James.
What if they get me next? Max, they're not gonna get you.
You're not guilty of anything.
Well, neither is Mr.
James.
Right.
Look, I know it's silly, but, I don't know It's just like ever since I was a kid, I've just had this unnatural fear of prisons.
Look, Max, everybody's afraid of prison.
Not like me.
I can just see it.
Those cold lesbian guards with their long batons.
The chow line.
Where everybody tries to look up your skirt.
Max, I-- I just came back from visiting Mr.
James.
It's nothing like that.
All right? Now, look, Dave.
I've seen enough women-in-prison movies to know what it's really like behind bars.
Is there a Dave Nelson in here? Um What was that? Uh, that, um-- Oh, that was nothing.
Uh, can I help you? Johnny Johnson, Executive Vice President for Eastern Operations for Jimmy James Incorporated.
Oh, yes, Mr.
James said you'd be coming by.
Hi, I'm Dave Nelson.
I'm a fan, Dave.
Yeah, I flew in from Kuala Lumpur the second I heard of this foolishness.
Oh.
Hey, is that Max Lewis I see down there? MAX: It is.
Man, I'd give anything to hear your dulcet tones on the air.
I'm hiding from the FBI! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, you don't have to worry about that, buddy.
If the feds come for you, they gotta go through me first.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Oh, then you got it, boss.
Dulcet tones it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
I like that little rascal.
Uh-huh.
So the, uh-- The rest of the staff pretty stressed out? Uh, yeah, pretty much.
Then I guess it's up to us to cheer 'em up.
Let's roll, partner.
Uh, listen up, everybody.
My name is Johnny Johnson.
I work for Jimmy too.
I'm here to help you guys out during this crisis.
Yeah.
Oh, great.
Well, when is Mr.
James coming back? Is he coming back soon? Well, you know, that's-- I see you're holding a stopwatch.
Yeah.
Can that thing measure a New York minute? Because Jimmy could be coming through that door any minute.
This is New York City.
I think the best thing we can do for him is to, uh keep this operation running at peak efficiency until he gets back.
Don't you think that's right, Dave? Well, I-- You know it, pal.
You.
You have the build of a man who fixes things, makes them work.
Am I right? Yeah.
I want you to run another phone line for me into Dave's office.
Oh, I'm kinda busy right now.
Actually, we're practicing to bust Mr.
James out of the slammer.
Wow.
When Jimmy told me you guys had heart, he just didn't say how big.
Okay, you keep planning.
But first, why don't you fix that phone line while you go order lunch for everybody on me.
Sounds good to me.
Thanks, Johnny.
Oh, uh, uh Johnny Johnson.
You must be Lisa Miller.
How'd you know that? You don't have to work in a rose garden to recognize an American Beauty.
Uh, thank you, Mr.
Johnson.
No, please.
Johnny.
And that goes for everybody in this office.
I don't see any misters around here.
Hey, Johnny, did you hear me? I was just on the air.
Sorry, slugger, I missed you this time.
Oh, well, I-- I can't do it if you don't listen, boss.
Yes, you can.
I wasn't talking to you.
[.]
[WHISTLING AND HECKLING.]
MAN: Yeah, sweet stuff.
[MEN HOOTING.]
Everyone here is so friendly.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're good guys, good guys.
So, uh, Matthew, what-- What brings you to prison? Murder.
Ha-ha.
I'm just kidding.
I'm, uh, here to interview you.
Oh, okay, fine.
I got-- I got no secrets from the press.
Okay.
Have a seat there.
Good, because I'm not pulling any punches on this one.
Uh-huh.
Okay? The kid gloves are off.
Okey-doke.
You just fire away, Mike Wallace.
No.
Matthew.
Go ahead.
Okay, well, let me, uh, get right to the question All right.
that's on everybody's mind.
Mr.
James, are you Doobie Keebler? No, uh, Matthew, I can definitively state that no, I am not Doobie Keebler.
Good answer, good answer.
Thanks.
Anything else? Yes.
Do you know where Doobie Keebler is? No.
What's your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving.
And what's your favorite color? Purple.
Are you Doobie Keebler? No.
[WHISTLES.]
You are good.
Well-- Well, that about wraps it up for me.
Okay, well, good, good, uh Good interview.
Okay.
So, how's the-- How's the gang at the station doing? Oh, um They were pretty tense.
Yeah? Yeah, until that guy, uh, came from your office and he helped relax everybody.
Oh, who'd-- Who'd they send down? Oh, um, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it.
Doobie Kee-- Oh.
Johnny Johnson? [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's funny.
No, no, see? What? No, it can't be Johnny Johnson.
He's-- He's in Kuala Lumpur.
No, it is.
I wrote it down.
No, it can't be.
Can't be Johnny Johnson.
Wait a minute.
A tall, heavyset guy.
Yeah.
Devilishly handsome.
Real touchy feely? Yes.
No, no, it can't be him.
I feel him, I feel him.
Are you okay? Constricted a little bit.
I don't know.
I feel like a caged animal, son.
I got to get outta here.
Let me out! [YELLING.]
Let me outta here! Let me outta here! Let me outta here! [.]
DAVE: Johnny.
Did you put Lisa back on the D.
B.
Cooper story? I thought that's what you wanted, guy? No, that's what I did not want.
That was entirely your idea.
Wow, modesty.
You really are the complete package, aren't you? Hey, I pressed your jacket like you asked, boss.
Well, I didn't ask, and that's not my jacket.
But thanks anyways, champ.
Good work.
You bet, boss.
Now, listen, if you fellas will excuse me, I gotta make some calls.
Would you like me to dial them for you? Not this time, but maybe later.
Say, Max, what the hell are you doing? I just can't help myself.
I feel so safe around him.
Don't you? Well, I don't feel like he's going to attack me or anything.
Is that what you mean? Exactly.
Not like the others.
[GRUNTS AND WHISTLES.]
[COUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
I gotta tell you something.
What? Privately.
Privately.
What? Privately.
I forgot to tell you something really important that Mr.
James told me about Johnny Johnson yesterday.
All right, what? What is it? Okay, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget.
Come on, come on, come on.
What is it? Uh, "He's evil and must be stopped at all costs.
" I'll have to assume you're misquoting him, all right? No, no, no.
Actually, he wrote this down.
What? See? That's not my handwriting.
"He's evil and must be stopped at all costs.
Help me.
" Matthew, why-- Why didn't you tell me about this earlier? Kinda busy, Dave.
You're-- You're the one that assigned me the Dobie Gillis story.
Look, Matthew, just tell everybody that I've gone down to talk to Mr.
James, all right? Right, right, right.
Everybody, Mr.
James-- Should have wrote that one down.
D-Dave-- [.]
Have a seat.
Ah.
You're not gonna shout "bitch" at me again, are you? No, Dave.
Sadly, the time for jokes has passed.
This is serious business.
All right.
Now, sir, now Really right now, don't you think you have more important worries than this Johnny Johnson guy? Oh, Dave, being accused of a major felony is nothing unless that green duffel bag magically reappears.
But what is not nothing is Johnny Johnson.
He represents a threat to my entire corporate empire.
It's like he's been waiting years for an opportunity like that.
Well, sir, if he's out to take over your corporate empire, why is he just hanging around the station? Dave, I have a corporate empire.
Why do I spend so much time hanging around the station? You know, I don't know.
Because it is the heart of the beast.
Oh, all right, sir.
Then, uh-- I'll just have to go down there and throw him out of the building.
Oh, Dave.
You know I think the world of you.
You know I do.
But I mean, Johnny Johnson eats the hearts of little guys like you for breakfast.
Sir, I'm serious.
Well, so am I.
Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur? [.]
All right.
You'll find him in that office right over there, gentlemen.
This won't take a second.
Dave, what's going on? What-- What are you doing? I'm having Johnny thrown out of the building.
Why? Well, because Mr.
James says he's evil.
Dave, don't make up lies about Johnny just because you're jealous of him.
Seriously, Dave.
Matthew, you're--- You're the one who first told me that he was evil.
Yeah, that's before I got to know him.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay, okay.
Good to see you guys again.
All right, who's the prankster? Dave? You almost got me.
[LAUGHS.]
Good thing I hired those guys in the first place.
Honestly, I can't turn my back on this place.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, he's evil, all right? Look, he's evil.
Come on.
Come on, you-- Look-- Oh, never mind.
LISA: What's going on, Dave? Oh, nothing.
Just that, uh-- Johnny Johnson is evil.
He's trying to take over Mr.
James' corporate empire, and nobody believes me.
You know what? I suspected something like that myself.
You did? Yeah.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, sure he's-- He's charming, you know? And he's handsome.
And he's got a really impressive physique.
What exactly is your point? Well, I mean-- Maybe he's a little bit too charming, you know? A little bit too charismatic.
A little bit too sensual.
Again, get to the point.
Well-- It just makes you think he's up to something.
That's all.
Well, yes.
I mean, I'm glad somebody else can see that.
That's why I'm having drinks with him tonight.
Well, he asked me.
And I think it would be a good chance to maybe try and figure out what he's plotting, you know? Yeah, that sounds a good plan.
Okay.
Good, uh Uh, do you mind if I knock off early? Why? 'Cause I wanna change.
What-- What? Dave, Johnny's evil.
He's not blind.
Listen, I think it's about time you and I had a little-- Where's all the stuff from my desk? Well, I had it stored.
I hope you don't mind.
I do mind.
I mind quite a bit.
And why do you still have my mother's picture out? Oh, is this your mother? Yeah Handsome woman.
Okay, you know what? Johnny, you're just-- You're not welcome here anymore.
Do you understand that? Dave, if I thought you really meant that, I'd just pack up my bag and go.
Well, I wish you-- [MOANS.]
That's, uh-- Ooh, that's, uh-- That's quite the green duffel bag you've got there.
You like it? It used to belong to Jimmy.
I found it while going through some of his old stuff.
W-where? Landfill in Mongolia.
Long story.
Hey, I think I know what this is about.
Heh.
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Hey.
I get sensitive about my mom too.
It's cool.
Hey, guys, you have to hear this.
Come on.
LISA [ON RADIO.]
: To repeat, billionaire media mogul Jimmy James, accused of being legendary skyjacker D.
B.
Cooper, escaped from downtown Federal Detention Center just a few minutes ago.
Authorities are launching a massive manhunt.
More news as it breaks.
Beth, Joe didn't, uh--? Dave, trust me.
I worked with the guy all week.
He's a washout.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Everything's gonna be okay, right, Johnny? All we can do is hope and pray that Jimmy knows what he's doing.
If you'll excuse me.
[LAUGHING.]
There.
Do you hear that? Huh? Do you hear that? What, Dave? The sound of Johnny weeping? He's not weeping.
He's laughing.
Maniacally.
At least he can cry.
He's-- [GROANS.]
Go.
[ALARM WAILING.]
Mr.
James? The cavalry has arrived.
What the hell's goin' on? Jimmy James just escaped.
Oh, man! [GRUNTS.]
Hey, somebody wanna give me a boost? A little help? Anybody? [.]