One Foot in the Grave (1990) s05e06 Episode Script

# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # Unbelievable! I mean, look at that Wandering about in his bedroom without a stitch on Naked as the day he was born Talk about being an exhibitionist I thought he'd one of those balloon animals tied to his waist at first Well, they've made a complete pig's breakfast of that new shower As I knew they would It takes you half an hour to get the right temperature and then, if you so much as flush the loo, it turns into a blast furnace Hmm-mmm And I thought we bought those glasses for Ronnie's birthday when you've quite finished steaming up the lenses I haven't finished wrapping them yet for Thursday so mind what you're doing Yes What did I just say? You said that we Hmm? I might as well talk to a tin of spam What time's your appointment with the dentist this morning? Thank God for that I've seen enough of those temporary crowns to last me a lifetime It's like being kissed good night by Bugs Bunny Oh, was there anything in the post, by the way, about that job? Just the phone bill And a letter from Reader's Digest saying we've both become millionaires I don't suppose I'll get it anyway for one Oh, hang on He's got one of those little trampoline things out now Surely he's going to put some underpants on before he starts bouncing Oh, I don't Look at that! I don't think I can watch much more of this, I really don't NICK: Good morning, Mrs Meldrew Not quite so breezy out here now, is it? Morning, Mr Swainey Your mother's still into her fly-fishing, then? Yeah, it'll be another five-minute wonder, I expect There's part of you wants to try and drum it into her we don't live in that big house by the river anymore It was 1 0 years ago Still, if it gives her pleasure -It seems a shame to shatter her illusions -That's right (BLOWING DUCK WHISTLE) And it certainly doesn't make things easy Of course, we've got the nurse now who pops around three times a week She's an absolute godsend, I must say Oh, incidentally, there's something I've been meaning to ask you, Mrs Meldrew We are holding a sponsored silly walk for dialysis at the end of the week I couldn't get you to sign my form, for say, 5p a mile, if it's not being too cheeky? Of course, I'd be glad to That's very kind of you I'll pop it round Good morning, Nick How are you? Hello, Tania Very well indeed, thank you Good That's the ticket, then, isn't it? Right We'll sort the other out, then, later on Yes Yeah, yeah Bye-bye, Mrs Meldrew Bye, Mr Swainey (VICTOR HOWLING) I don't think it's serious He was only in there a couple of seconds But if you could just give us your professional opinion Victor, this is Tania, the nurse who looks after Mrs Swainey next door Good morning, Mr Meldrew -How does it feel? -Oh -Still burning like billy-o, I bet -Yes Now don't flinch, I'm just going to take a little look and then Oh! Oh, what is it? I didn't know you could buy these ready minted What a great idea! -Well, at Asda you can -Really? -And, I think, Tesco's do their version -Well, I never -But I've never seen them in Sainsbury's -Yes! Yes! Excuse me! What about my back? Will I need a skin graft or what? Nothing like that, Mr Meldrew Your bottom half's a bit red, that's all What I'll do is, I'll dab a little something on to stop the stinging and you should be fine Oh Ah Right Well, I'll leave you and the singing detective here to it, then Thank you (VICTOR MOANING) (PHONE RINGING) Oh, speaking Oh Right Yes Oh, right Thank you for letting me know Bye Bad news? Oh, just a job I went up for last week, driving a baker's van Had about as much chance as becoming chief rabbi Ah! Mrs Meldrew, I brought that form for you to fill in for Friday, -if you're still interested -Oh, yes, of course Right Where are we? How is Mr Meldrew up there? Still suffering? Not as much as I would've liked No, but Well, let's be reckless and say 20p Oh, thank you very much indeed Fine, that's me off now then, I think Perhaps get a bite to eat somewhere Oh, right Actually, I was thinking of popping out for some lunch myself, -in a minute or two -Really? Yeah Um Well Fine Well, uh, hope you find somewhere nice -Yes You, too -Yes And I'll see you Wednesday, I expect -Bye, Mrs Meldrew -Oh, bye, Tania Thanks very much -Pleasure Bye-bye -Bye, Tania (DOOR CLOSING) Mr Swainey! Sorry Are you blind? She was dying for you to ask her out When? Oh, no I'm afraid I'm not in her league, someone like that Don't be utterly ridiculous She was just desperate for you to make the first move, that's all Well, I'd love to believe that, Mrs Meldrew, but life's never that wonderful, is it? Anyway, thanks for the sponsorship and everything I'll let you know how we get on and got to rush now Bye Well, you were a long while How are they looking? Very good Except for the X-ray of this dodgy one, down at the bottom I've got to go back on Friday now, for an extraction Here, I got most of the things in the shopping list It took me ages to find this bloody Polish sherry I had to go to 1 0 different shops (PHONE RINGING) Polish sherry? Cor Poland can bloody well keep it Oh, and he's forgotten to get my polish And I wrote it down plainly in a That was an interesting one A call from a chap who had heard I was looking for some work as a driver Lewis Atterbury Lives in one of those new houses out near Coblesham by that big military base He said if I wanted to pop round this afternoon, he might be able to put some work my way So that sounds quite hopeful, doesn't it? What? What? Polish sherry! What? Well, it'll mainly be a case of running me into the office, one or two meetings out of town occasionally Plus any other errands, of course, which crop up as and when How is it feeling, by the way? -Good fit, surprisingly -Yes, it's very comfortable Thank you, Mr Atterbury Call me Lewis, I can't abide formalities Now, time, I think, to introduce you to my three children VICTOR: Oh, right Very nice ''Very'' and ''nice'', Victor, are not words we use to describe these three pieces of machinery They are the Holy Trinity of internal combustion As you'll discover when you get behind the wheel Sorry about the mess Girlfriend and I were at a rather wild party in Oxfordshire on Sunday night Oh, right So I see (NO PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (CAR ALARM BLARING) Bloody rugby players You are lucky you still got a job at all, the way you carry on Picking fights with every single person you meet I do not pick fights with every person I meet No! That's why that man in the pub snapped off both your front teeth the other week Like a protective tab on a video cassette All over a packet of cheese and onion crisps I'll either have to get a bigger hat or have my head taken in Oh, 1 2:30, I'll have to move I've got to be at the airport at 4:00 Oh, where's he going today? Nowhere His parents are coming down from Scotland for the weekend so he wants me to pick them up You haven't forgotten we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight? I try to forget we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight, like you try to forget you're going to die, but it doesn't work I wonder what hideous novelties they have brought back from their holidays this year Another souvenir photograph printed on the back of a lavatory seat? I can't believe that pair sometimes She rang me up earlier, in a bit of a state, because the builders still haven't finished You know they're having all that foundation work done on their extension And I was silly enough to let slip that I wasn't doing anything this afternoon, so she's invited me over beforehand to give her a hand with the food Good You can make sure the chicken soup doesn't have feathers in it this time -I'll see you there at 7:00, right? -Yes, bye! Right (KNOCKING AT DOOR) -Anyone in? -Hello I can't stop long, I've got to bury Auntie Sis at half past -Oh, no -But I just wanted to say -That was sudden When did she die? -Oh, Saturday afternoon Yeah, she was attacked by an albatross in a hot air balloon All a bit nasty, I'm afraid, she fell out of the basket and landed on a tennis court in Droitwich, right in the middle of a tie-break -Oh, good God! -Yeah, play had to be suspended for half an hour while they disentangled her from the net So, a bit of an undignified exit really for the poor old soul, but No, actually, I wanted to thank you for the other day You know what you said about Tania and everything Only, I gave her a ring last night and asked if she would like to join us on Friday for the sponsored silly walk And I couldn't believe it, she said yes, she'd loved to I mean, yeah, I know it doesn't mean anything in itself but, well, anyway, I just wanted you to know What did I tell you? Now this could be your big chance, -make sure you don't blow it -Yeah Well, I'll keep you posted anyway, and thanks Hmm This Polish sherry is rather delicious -Mildred -Oh, thank you Hmm, yes Where did you get it, Margaret? We'll have to stock up I'm not sure You better ask Victor when he gets here These are just slops, aren't they? I'll put them in your bin Oh! Don't try and go in there, Margaret You'll break your neck She'll break her neck, Mildred It's a 1 0-foot drop Two months now they've been digging I think we were better off with the subsidence Perhaps I'll just put them down the loo What time are we expecting your hubby, Margaret? Oh, I said about 7:00, all being well He's got to collect some people from the airport MILDRED: Oh, I hope he doesn't hurry here and have an accident I don't imagine he'll be hurrying No So, you come and stay with your son very often, then? Three or four times a year, I suppose, on average The traffic on that ring road never seems to get any better I'm just wondering if we shouldn't just drop these two off and then go straight to the restaurant MAN: I tend to agree Do you know the big hotel near here called Abbey Grange? -Oh, yes -I don't want to risk losing that table tonight of all nights -A special occasion, is it, or -Our anniversary, actually Oh, congratulations I had hoped we might persuade Lewis to join us for once -I don't think so -No, you're right It looks as if he's already out Sowing his oats again, as usual Shh! They're here Come, everybody In the conservatory, come on Come on Quick Quick, quick, quick Through the hall Come on Hurry Find your way through Everybody in front, go on Go on, you're not here to enjoy yourself Quick Now I want total silence from everybody I don't want to hear a word out of any of you! (MEOWING) No, no, no No, you don't Just you behave yourselves LEWIS: Hello? Hello? (HONKING) Thank you very much Leaving me to man the fort all this time I'm sorry They asked me to take them on to this restaurant and I've got to go back and collect them at around 1 2:00 So, I don't fancy leaving this out in the open, after what happened to the last one Everything all right out there? He's just going to put Mr Atterbury's car in your garage for a few hours, if that's all right Victor! No! No! It hasn't got a floor! (CRASHING) VICTOR: I don't believe it! I wouldn't worry about it, Victor Our son is a very tolerant and understanding person (BOTH LAUGHING) Just pray he's gone to bed early Yes (PEOPLE SHOUTING) On the other hand But still, look at it on the bright side The breakdown people managed to haul it out without making hardly any scratch on the front, so Just excuse me a moment, would you, please? Darling! Put that down Oh, come on Look, it's very late and we're all very tired, so don't do anything silly, all right? When you told me this man wanted a job, you didn't tell me he was a demolition expert Why don't you just go up to bed and have a good night's sleep? We'll talk to the insurance people in the morning Thank you I didn't realise, actually, it was you that had Yes Not to worry, Mr Meldrew I mean, all is not lost We've still got the Jag left Yes, I've just dropped him off at the bank and now I'm on my way to the dentist So, it's all working out quite well Sorry, what? No, not at all He seems fine Surprisingly I don't know what she said to him last night, or did No sign of any footprints on the windscreen this morning at any rate Right, yes Well, good luck with your appointment Yes And I'll see you later Bye Afternoon, Mrs Meldrew Are you well? Yes, thank you, Mr Swainey Are you all ready for the off, then? Yes, yes A 3:30 start outside St Luke's, just around the corner Tania said she'd meet me there so I'd About Tania And I've got everything planned for this evening I managed to get two tickets for that new Eddie Murphy film And afterwards, I thought she might like to go to this nice little Italian restaurant, which is right next to Yes, Mr Swainey, I'm afraid Victor and I ran into Tania, last night actually It was at this big party at someone's house and she was there with Yes Right I see Thank you, Mrs Meldrew, I understand I'm sorry, Mr Swainey, I didn't No, no, no, it's Well, thanks for all your help anyway I feel so awful Especially after we I mean You were right Yeah Well, I'll see you later Life's never that wonderful Karen, could you just give me a quick hand with this thing, please? Okay Sorry about that, Mr Meldrew, our equipment's all blowing up this morning You can close it now, you're all done with I should keep the cotton wool plug in there for about half an hour Any minor pain once the numbing wears off, just take a couple of aspirin Mmm-hmm Mmm No, no, the car appears to be still in one piece, for the moment but Yeah, okay, I will Bye How is the tooth feeling by the way? Oh, my jaw seems to be throbbing quite a lot for some reason Don't take your eyes off the road No, sorry, I was just Perhaps if I can get rid of this thing now, I might Ah! Oh, my God Almighty! What's it doing? What was that? (VICTOR HOWLING) Oh, my God! What is that thing? (STUTTERING) A bee in the car, Mr Lewis! Never mind the bee, watch where you're going! Oh, God! Put For God's sake, put your foot on the brake Sorry about that I think this time we've been lucky, actually I can't see any damage Can you? (ENGINE HUMMING) # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #