Portlandia (2011) s05e06 Episode Script
Fashion
[Upbeat ska music.]
"Cease and desist all Bart Simpson copyright infringement.
" What the hell's that? That means they want you to stop making these t-shirts.
[Snickers.]
It's not funny, Spyke.
It's Matt Groening.
What's Matt Groening? He's the creator of the Simpsons, and he's saying that your shirt looks like his character Bart.
I think that he looks like my character Bart.
Spyke, there are laws about this.
These aren't my laws.
That's my law right there.
Be true.
"Spuke"? No, I-I told Darren to, like, make the Y come down, and he cut it off, 'cause he said the black isn't gonna show underneath.
- "Spuke's Law.
" - It's Spyke's Law.
- I'll fix it.
- Spyke.
There's a way out of this, and that's you stop making the shirts.
I'm not gonna stop.
My body just does this.
This is what I'm meant to do.
I'm meant to make t-shirts.
Then they're gonna sue you.
Great! Bring on the trial.
We don't have a lawyer.
I'll represent myself.
Let's learn how to be a lawyer.
Let's study.
My client is innocent of all wrongdoings.
I'd, like, get off so easy.
I hope so, Spyke.
Happy new year.
See you in court, Matt Groening.
[Washed Out's Feel It All Around playing.]
Wow.
Jeans are so expensive.
Yeah, but they're kind of worth it.
Hey, guys.
Sorry, there's no food or drinks allowed in the store.
So I'm gonna have to ask you to throw your coffees in the garbage.
Well, I'm just gonna get these jeans, and we'll be right out.
We don't sell jeans; we sell denim.
If you want jeans, there is an Oshkosh B'Gosh around the corner.
Carrie, do you want to go to Oshkosh B'Gosh? Hmm, gosh.
You know what? I don't.
Let's throw out our coffees, and we'll initiate the checkout process.
Okay, this is very full.
Ooh, this is a sharp pant.
You are not allowed to wash these.
You don't wash raw denim.
- What does "raw" mean? - Unwashed.
I kind of like to wash my jeans.
There's a technique I can show you.
You take a common napkin, put your index finger, and then just wipe.
Okay, well, what about, like, if I spill a little, like, red wine or water on it? Just wipe.
You think that's gonna take off a stain? - If you get it in time.
- What if you don't? Well, then, there's another thing.
What you could do is, fill up a bathtub with rice, put the raw denim in there for 20 minutes, pull it out, and throw it away, 'cause they are ruined.
Should we just go someplace else? Here, I'll change your mind.
Touch 'em.
Just touch 'em.
What's that face for? It's my "I think I've made my point" face.
What is this? It's just-- this is jeans.
Here's the thing about jeans-- denim.
I'll wear 'em every day.
So you seem like someone who's really big into fashion, huh? I've been getting into it.
- I love fashion.
- Me too.
To me, that's what separates us from animals.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Sir, you wouldn't know anything about this.
No, educate me.
I don't think I could start.
It'd be like trying to teach a lizard how to cover a foo fighters song.
Why don't you just buy it so we can go? Now, I should educate you on crotch blowouts.
Halloween is a really big time at The Dollar Store, and here's our Halloween section this year.
This section's one of our most popular.
It has school supplies, toys, notions, cosmetics.
Everything that, you know, a family could need, so - All right.
- It's too much.
It's a lot.
My eye, when I see this, this just-- this is junk.
I would have a really hard time just coming into the store and shopping for anything, you know? You've really got to change the layout and-- We want to simplify.
What we do is, we're branding people.
We transform shops that are going nowhere.
Mm-hmm.
You need an ad campaign, right? - Obviously.
- Like, a person or something.
A person would be good.
Who do you have in mind? Victoria Beckham.
- She'd be great.
- Wow.
She would never do it.
- I love her, though.
- I love her a lot.
I love the idea of a spokesperson, a model.
Who's the face? Of The Dollar Store.
Certainly not me.
And certainly not me.
Certainly not me.
Okay, well, this is-- this is great.
We're gonna find you a Dollar Store girl.
We're gonna find you somebody.
That would be absolutely excellent.
Okay, see you.
[Dramatic music.]
Spyke.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, so let's hear the opening remarks.
- Opening remarks? - Yeah.
Okay.
Your Honor, I'm innocent of all these charges of "copyright infridgement of duplicate imagery.
" Throw out the case.
Okay, Spyke.
Really get the term "copyright infringement" down.
Copy-- copyright infringement.
We're screwed.
Copyright infringement.
Copyright infringement.
Goddamn it.
Infringement.
Dollar Store.
Who could it be? I don't want anybody too angular, you know what I mean? Maybe something a little more alien, a little more soft around-- around the cheeks.
Like an angel that's got no gender.
What about the slave girl in the-- in that-- Lupita Nyong'o.
Was she a model? How is she not a model? I say absolutely, yeah.
That'd be really good.
Do you have a dollar? Hey, can I have a dollar? Oh, my God.
God, she's really beautiful.
She really is.
Look at those bones.
- Hey, do you have a dollar? - She's fantastic.
- Yeah, I like her a lot.
- Look at her face.
- I know.
- Hey, do you have a dollar? She's literally screaming the word "Dollar.
" Do you have a dollar? - Hey, does anyone have a dollar? - Unbelievable.
She's living the Dollar lifestyle.
Well, how in the-- She's gonna run away.
How do we get her-- you know.
Do you have a dollar? Hey, does anyone have a dollar? Hey, look.
Go get it.
Oh.
- Oh, no.
- Go get it.
Hi.
Has anyone ever told you that you could be a model? Uh No.
What is your name? Uh Quinn.
Do you like having things around and drinking and eating? Do you have any beer? It's gonna be a lot of work.
Quinn? Do you have a dollar? Hey.
Hey.
[Laughs.]
How are you? Good.
Did you order yet? - What are you wearing? - It's a hat.
I got it a couple days ago.
I've received so many compliments.
- You bought that? - Yeah.
Everywhere I go, people are like, "That is such a great hat.
" What are hats? Why would you wear a hat? What do you mean, "What are hats?" I mean, you got those jeans, and now you've got this hat.
I mean, what's next? Is there some cape or some, like, football shoulders or something? I've always been, like, envious of people that can pull things off.
That person's pulling off those cowboy boots.
That person's pulling off the leather jacket.
I can pull stuff off.
Pull that off, please.
You're being so down and grumpy about this.
Well, let me ask you this, then.
When you're on your bicycle, do people think you're The Flying Nun? Don't be mad.
This grumpiness you have, it's almost like a sickness, and I would suggest you get professional help.
I'm sorry.
I'm, like-- It's hard-- I'm distracted.
I missed everything you said because you've got this, like, thing.
Please see someone.
Please talk to someone.
Sister Carrie, please.
Okay, I'm out.
Good luck, Fred.
Say hi to everyone at the convent.
[Gavel bangs.]
All right, the plaintiff is the creator of the Simpsons, Matt Groening, who's actually from Portland.
Welcome.
What is your claim? - Your Honor.
- Overruled.
All right, you object, and I'll sustain or overrule the objection.
- Okay, I object.
- Overruled.
Proceed.
Your Honor, this guy has been making bootleg Simpsons merchandise.
"Bart Skampson.
" He is quite a scamp.
Ska-mpson.
Bart Ska-mpson.
Ska? Like the music, ska? - Ska.
- Ska.
[Imitates ska music.]
You know, ska.
I just thought it was "scamp" misspelled.
You don't know ska? In all your education, you've got to go to law school and everything and judge school or whatever it is you go to, and you don't know the word "ska"? Welcome to America, friend.
- Learn music.
- Your Honor.
I do not have a problem, in general, with bootleg Simpsons merchandise.
I approve of the Bart Sanchez and Bart Pimp-son, even.
But this is the worst pun ever.
It's a thinker; you got to think about it.
As the creator of the Simpsons, - this makes my eyes hurt.
- What's the problem? It's completely off model.
Off model of-- from what? He has-- supposed to have nine spikes of hair on his head.
- The pupils are the wrong size.
- He's watching the band.
His pupils are looking forward onto the stage.
They're too big.
Yeah, because he's enjoying the music.
He's not used to it, 'cause he wants to go see Beethoven and classical music.
- Oh, the violin.
- This sucks.
In fairness, it's not great.
Your Honor, there are no damages, really.
I just would like him to stop.
I will never stop.
Right.
The case continues.
[Gavel bangs.]
You look right here.
Right here.
Okay.
Let me ask you a few questions.
Let's talk about restaurants.
Would you be willing to wait for a really good restaurant a half hour or would you just eat somewhere kind of crappy 'cause you could get in right away? What do you think? The look on people's faces when they wait in line, just like It's just-- What are-- Are you going to eat or to stand quietly? Have you ever uttered the phrase "Get off my lawn"? - No.
- Okay.
I mean Yeah, I've said-- but I didn't mean like, old man, like, "Get off my lawn!" I meant more like, "This is my property, so get off my lawn.
" I'm not gonna sugarcoat this for you.
You have early onset grumpiness.
What? Early onset grumpiness, EOG.
You're gonna begin to enjoy fewer and fewer things in your life.
You'll be saying things like, "Who are these people?" Who are those people? That's the-- I mean, that's a real question.
The only reason you'll leave the house is to see classic old movies, and even then you'll say, "It had some good parts, but all in all, it was fairly" Both: Uneven.
[Sighs.]
You're very young to have EOG.
Your life is gonna change forever.
Is there anything I can do? Normally we try meds, but you're too young for them.
You seem kind of grumpy.
Are you a grump? Yeah.
But I'm a very old man.
I'm 83.
I'm sorry.
I'll notify your family.
Don't notify my sister.
She doesn't even pick up the phone half the time.
She gives people a hard time.
Changed her number so many goddamn times, lucky we text at all.
Sorry, I don't quite have the words for this.
Mom, dad, I wanted to let you know that I'm a cool dresser.
Cool dresser? So I just want to prepare you, if we meet for dinner, I might have gloves on.
If we go to First Thursday and go to an art gallery, I might be in a jumper or a pair of overalls.
- Culottes.
- No.
I might wear a t-shirt with just one word on it, and it will have cost a lot of money.
I also have a motorcycle jacket that I wear.
- A motorcycle? - A motorcycle jacket? Are you driving a motorcycle now? No, those are dangerous.
- What's the point? - Honey.
You got to have a motorcycle if you got a motorcycle jacket.
So you would rather have me have a motorcycle because it makes more sense with the jacket.
Yeah, it's good protective wear.
What about that gore-tex jacket I got you? You bought me an extra-large coat.
- Like, that doesn't fit me.
- Needs to be big.
You got to get it over all your camping gear.
I don't understand.
You go out in that outfit? Honey, you're not prepared for anything.
I'm prepared for lunching.
I'm prepared for a Prosecco at 5:00 PM.
Are you gonna wear that hat to Thanksgiving? You're going to be representing a brand.
You're gonna be The Dollar Girl.
So you got to be ready for it.
You have to interact with photographers.
You have to stand in awkward positions and pose.
You got to be sexy but cold at the same time.
Indifferent, but friendly.
Your eyes got to say "Hello," but your face has got to say "Good-bye.
" Can you handle that? Okay.
Sexier.
No, not in your mouth.
Look at this.
They've delivered fish.
- Oh, don't do that.
- No, sit down.
- Settle down.
- Sit down.
You like her face? It's exquisite.
- No.
- No, no, no.
That's not-- That's close to model.
Can I get a beer, please? She used to be very raw, you know? Kind of wild.
- You can still see it, though.
- Oh, yeah.
It's raw, but on the way to sophistication.
I have to take a shit.
No.
That's not model behavior.
No.
Stop it.
Hey, that's cold, lady.
Oh.
How do they make people like that? They don't.
We do.
I like that.
Can you make, like, one of her arms a little longer kind of like-- like a snake's arm? Tighten it up, maybe make the face a bit smaller.
Ken, what do you think of that? I like that a lot.
I do too.
Dollar Store Stupid kids.
Hey.
No loitering.
Go on, beat it.
I'm not gonna beat it.
I mean, this is anyone's location.
I could be wherever I want.
This is anybody's alley.
Hey, you seem like something's the matter with you.
What's wrong? I was just at the doctor, and I got diagnosed with early onset grump.
Oh.
Congratulations.
Congratulations? Yeah.
You got to get out there.
Yeah, yeah, you got to find things to complain about.
Revel in your grumpiness.
Let it wash over you.
Yeah, yeah, let the world hassle you.
You mean like get out and get in line for really long concerts.
That's it.
At outdoor festivals.
There you go.
I'm gonna judge everybody.
That's right.
[Both muttering.]
Well, come on.
Go to it.
Okay, it was really nice to meet you.
- Ah-ah-ah.
- Oh.
It was awful meeting you.
Yeah, rotten to meet you too.
Now scram! All right, I'm scramming.
What a nincompoop.
I'd like to call my first "witless" to the stand, Mr.
Matt "Groaning.
" You said the word "Simpsons" a lot.
Did you hear that? Simpsons, Simpsons, what is that? The Simpsons is a TV show.
What does that stand for, "television"? Yes.
Too long to say "television," so you had to shorten it.
And how long you been doing this television show? - 26 years.
- 26 years? Wow.
Will you please mark down-- your stenographer, is that the word? That I've been working on these shirts for 28 years, two years longer than you've been doing your TV show, brought to you by soap.
That's probably not true.
"Probably not true.
" A lot of big words, huh? Is that what they teach you up there in Harvard? "Yeah, it's probably not true.
" Is it possible this is a case of parallel thought? I don't think so.
You do a whole lot of thinking, don't you? What about creating? Did you ever draw a smiley face? Yes.
So why don't you sue everybody for making smiley faces? I didn't invent the smiley face.
I invented Bart Simpson.
But you didn't invent Bart Ska-mpson, did ya? No.
[Sighs.]
The jury rests.
Let's all mosh.
[Ska music.]
- Come on, Iris.
- No.
Come on, everybody.
This is very embarrassing, Spyke.
Come on! I'm a lawyer.
Wow, it's a new ad campaign for The Dollar Store.
Huh.
She looks familiar.
Expect a high near 52 degrees.
Clear tonight with a low near-- [Laughter.]
[TV shuts off.]
Hi, you have a dollar, please? [Rhythmic tapping.]
Anyone have a dollar? Hi, you have a dollar, please? Hey, do you have a dollar? You have a dol-- Wow, thank you very much.
Hey.
We've got enough dollars to get ourselves a-- money for beer I've got money for beer but what kind of use is a dollar my whole world got smaller By half.
money for beer I've got money for beer I'd give up all of my dollars For some familiar squalor.
Both: and you all this change just doesn't add up who needs anything more than a buck I'm okay being broke but not brokenhearted I miss getting drunk and acting retarded Both: money for beer I've got money for beer but it doesn't take a scholar to see I'm short a dollar and that dollar is you Hey, Carrie.
Hey.
Listen, um I got diagnosed with early onset grumpism.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Gosh.
I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about all those things I said to you.
That's the disease talking.
Well, that makes sense.
It's a real thing.
I accept your apology.
Well, I thought to make up for it, it'd be really great if we went to, like, a music festival.
- Pickathon is coming up.
- Oh, yeah.
So I thought we could go to that, and, like, I could complain about, like, all the long lines and the crowds and the food and all the bands, you know? Oh, and I could buy a new outfit, and maybe I'd get photographed for a fashion blog.
Yes.
It's perfect.
It's a great way for us to be ourselves and still stay friends.
You're right.
Okay, I'm gonna go get in line for tickets.
All right.
So why don't you stay here and finish cleaning my jeans? All right.
It's a deal.
All right.
Stupid cleaning.
Do you have a-- Oh, never mind.
Hey.
Who are you? - Jeffrey, it's Quinn.
- Quinn? I thought I wasn't gonna see you again.
Well, here I am.
I really missed you, you know.
I really missed you too.
Are you going away again? I don't want to go away again.
I belong with you.
I think you're gonna make me cry.
I think you are gonna cry.
Well, do you have a dollar? Yeah.
Actually, I have $80,000.
We could buy beers.
Yeah, we should buy some beers.
[Gavel bangs.]
This is one of the easiest decisions I've ever had to make.
The court finds in favor-- Wait, wait.
Sorry.
[Whispering.]
Your Honor, I'd like to call a second witness.
Proceed.
Please state your full name for the court.
[In Bart Simpson's voice.]
Bartholomew J Simpson.
Bart Simpson.
Hey, Spyke.
Long time no see, man.
- What's going on? - [Sighs.]
So were you or were you not my neighbor in the early '80s? Yes, we were neighbors.
And Bart, what was your favorite kind of music? Uh ska.
And remind me, did I have a nickname for you because of ska? Yes, you did.
Bart Ska-mpson, The Original Rude Boy.
Bark Ska-mpson, The Original Rude Boy.
[Crowd murmurs.]
Hi, Bart.
Oh, hey, you went to Evergreen State, right? Building A, fifth floor.
You two went to college together? Yeah.
This is the guy that taught me how to ollie.
Just put a star next to "ollie.
" That's one of the words that we'll look up later.
So we do appear to have a case here of parallel thinking.
You invented Bart Ska-mpson based on knowing this man.
Yeah, him, right there.
Ay caramba.
Son.
You invented Bart Simpson also, evidently, based on knowing this man.
Apparently, yes.
Wait, is there a sketch artist here who can sketch me doing that? Mr.
Groening, if Mr.
Groening were willing to draw you.
I would prefer not to.
We're all looking for the truth here.
If you would draw him, that would be great.
I'm gonna give you an overbite.
- That's fine.
- This is awesome.
This could actually be worth something.
Come on.
What have we got? That's pretty good.
Wow.
I'm jealous.
I will agree to stop making these Bart Ska-mpsons as long as I have the rights to make a whole bunch of these.
The drawing was a gift from Mr.
Groening.
That doesn't give him the right to make more t-shirts.
That's why I'm here in the first place.
If you would like to appeal this decision, come back to Portland.
We'd be thrilled to have you in the courtroom any time.
This was a treat.
This is my worst nightmare.
Case dismissed.
[Applause.]
[Ska music.]
Is that skanking or moshing? Skanking.
I won my case blap I won my case Spyke.
We're-- we're enjoying it.
It's okay.
I won my case I won my case I won my, my, my, one my case I hope you don't get sued by The Specials.
"Cease and desist all Bart Simpson copyright infringement.
" What the hell's that? That means they want you to stop making these t-shirts.
[Snickers.]
It's not funny, Spyke.
It's Matt Groening.
What's Matt Groening? He's the creator of the Simpsons, and he's saying that your shirt looks like his character Bart.
I think that he looks like my character Bart.
Spyke, there are laws about this.
These aren't my laws.
That's my law right there.
Be true.
"Spuke"? No, I-I told Darren to, like, make the Y come down, and he cut it off, 'cause he said the black isn't gonna show underneath.
- "Spuke's Law.
" - It's Spyke's Law.
- I'll fix it.
- Spyke.
There's a way out of this, and that's you stop making the shirts.
I'm not gonna stop.
My body just does this.
This is what I'm meant to do.
I'm meant to make t-shirts.
Then they're gonna sue you.
Great! Bring on the trial.
We don't have a lawyer.
I'll represent myself.
Let's learn how to be a lawyer.
Let's study.
My client is innocent of all wrongdoings.
I'd, like, get off so easy.
I hope so, Spyke.
Happy new year.
See you in court, Matt Groening.
[Washed Out's Feel It All Around playing.]
Wow.
Jeans are so expensive.
Yeah, but they're kind of worth it.
Hey, guys.
Sorry, there's no food or drinks allowed in the store.
So I'm gonna have to ask you to throw your coffees in the garbage.
Well, I'm just gonna get these jeans, and we'll be right out.
We don't sell jeans; we sell denim.
If you want jeans, there is an Oshkosh B'Gosh around the corner.
Carrie, do you want to go to Oshkosh B'Gosh? Hmm, gosh.
You know what? I don't.
Let's throw out our coffees, and we'll initiate the checkout process.
Okay, this is very full.
Ooh, this is a sharp pant.
You are not allowed to wash these.
You don't wash raw denim.
- What does "raw" mean? - Unwashed.
I kind of like to wash my jeans.
There's a technique I can show you.
You take a common napkin, put your index finger, and then just wipe.
Okay, well, what about, like, if I spill a little, like, red wine or water on it? Just wipe.
You think that's gonna take off a stain? - If you get it in time.
- What if you don't? Well, then, there's another thing.
What you could do is, fill up a bathtub with rice, put the raw denim in there for 20 minutes, pull it out, and throw it away, 'cause they are ruined.
Should we just go someplace else? Here, I'll change your mind.
Touch 'em.
Just touch 'em.
What's that face for? It's my "I think I've made my point" face.
What is this? It's just-- this is jeans.
Here's the thing about jeans-- denim.
I'll wear 'em every day.
So you seem like someone who's really big into fashion, huh? I've been getting into it.
- I love fashion.
- Me too.
To me, that's what separates us from animals.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Sir, you wouldn't know anything about this.
No, educate me.
I don't think I could start.
It'd be like trying to teach a lizard how to cover a foo fighters song.
Why don't you just buy it so we can go? Now, I should educate you on crotch blowouts.
Halloween is a really big time at The Dollar Store, and here's our Halloween section this year.
This section's one of our most popular.
It has school supplies, toys, notions, cosmetics.
Everything that, you know, a family could need, so - All right.
- It's too much.
It's a lot.
My eye, when I see this, this just-- this is junk.
I would have a really hard time just coming into the store and shopping for anything, you know? You've really got to change the layout and-- We want to simplify.
What we do is, we're branding people.
We transform shops that are going nowhere.
Mm-hmm.
You need an ad campaign, right? - Obviously.
- Like, a person or something.
A person would be good.
Who do you have in mind? Victoria Beckham.
- She'd be great.
- Wow.
She would never do it.
- I love her, though.
- I love her a lot.
I love the idea of a spokesperson, a model.
Who's the face? Of The Dollar Store.
Certainly not me.
And certainly not me.
Certainly not me.
Okay, well, this is-- this is great.
We're gonna find you a Dollar Store girl.
We're gonna find you somebody.
That would be absolutely excellent.
Okay, see you.
[Dramatic music.]
Spyke.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, so let's hear the opening remarks.
- Opening remarks? - Yeah.
Okay.
Your Honor, I'm innocent of all these charges of "copyright infridgement of duplicate imagery.
" Throw out the case.
Okay, Spyke.
Really get the term "copyright infringement" down.
Copy-- copyright infringement.
We're screwed.
Copyright infringement.
Copyright infringement.
Goddamn it.
Infringement.
Dollar Store.
Who could it be? I don't want anybody too angular, you know what I mean? Maybe something a little more alien, a little more soft around-- around the cheeks.
Like an angel that's got no gender.
What about the slave girl in the-- in that-- Lupita Nyong'o.
Was she a model? How is she not a model? I say absolutely, yeah.
That'd be really good.
Do you have a dollar? Hey, can I have a dollar? Oh, my God.
God, she's really beautiful.
She really is.
Look at those bones.
- Hey, do you have a dollar? - She's fantastic.
- Yeah, I like her a lot.
- Look at her face.
- I know.
- Hey, do you have a dollar? She's literally screaming the word "Dollar.
" Do you have a dollar? - Hey, does anyone have a dollar? - Unbelievable.
She's living the Dollar lifestyle.
Well, how in the-- She's gonna run away.
How do we get her-- you know.
Do you have a dollar? Hey, does anyone have a dollar? Hey, look.
Go get it.
Oh.
- Oh, no.
- Go get it.
Hi.
Has anyone ever told you that you could be a model? Uh No.
What is your name? Uh Quinn.
Do you like having things around and drinking and eating? Do you have any beer? It's gonna be a lot of work.
Quinn? Do you have a dollar? Hey.
Hey.
[Laughs.]
How are you? Good.
Did you order yet? - What are you wearing? - It's a hat.
I got it a couple days ago.
I've received so many compliments.
- You bought that? - Yeah.
Everywhere I go, people are like, "That is such a great hat.
" What are hats? Why would you wear a hat? What do you mean, "What are hats?" I mean, you got those jeans, and now you've got this hat.
I mean, what's next? Is there some cape or some, like, football shoulders or something? I've always been, like, envious of people that can pull things off.
That person's pulling off those cowboy boots.
That person's pulling off the leather jacket.
I can pull stuff off.
Pull that off, please.
You're being so down and grumpy about this.
Well, let me ask you this, then.
When you're on your bicycle, do people think you're The Flying Nun? Don't be mad.
This grumpiness you have, it's almost like a sickness, and I would suggest you get professional help.
I'm sorry.
I'm, like-- It's hard-- I'm distracted.
I missed everything you said because you've got this, like, thing.
Please see someone.
Please talk to someone.
Sister Carrie, please.
Okay, I'm out.
Good luck, Fred.
Say hi to everyone at the convent.
[Gavel bangs.]
All right, the plaintiff is the creator of the Simpsons, Matt Groening, who's actually from Portland.
Welcome.
What is your claim? - Your Honor.
- Overruled.
All right, you object, and I'll sustain or overrule the objection.
- Okay, I object.
- Overruled.
Proceed.
Your Honor, this guy has been making bootleg Simpsons merchandise.
"Bart Skampson.
" He is quite a scamp.
Ska-mpson.
Bart Ska-mpson.
Ska? Like the music, ska? - Ska.
- Ska.
[Imitates ska music.]
You know, ska.
I just thought it was "scamp" misspelled.
You don't know ska? In all your education, you've got to go to law school and everything and judge school or whatever it is you go to, and you don't know the word "ska"? Welcome to America, friend.
- Learn music.
- Your Honor.
I do not have a problem, in general, with bootleg Simpsons merchandise.
I approve of the Bart Sanchez and Bart Pimp-son, even.
But this is the worst pun ever.
It's a thinker; you got to think about it.
As the creator of the Simpsons, - this makes my eyes hurt.
- What's the problem? It's completely off model.
Off model of-- from what? He has-- supposed to have nine spikes of hair on his head.
- The pupils are the wrong size.
- He's watching the band.
His pupils are looking forward onto the stage.
They're too big.
Yeah, because he's enjoying the music.
He's not used to it, 'cause he wants to go see Beethoven and classical music.
- Oh, the violin.
- This sucks.
In fairness, it's not great.
Your Honor, there are no damages, really.
I just would like him to stop.
I will never stop.
Right.
The case continues.
[Gavel bangs.]
You look right here.
Right here.
Okay.
Let me ask you a few questions.
Let's talk about restaurants.
Would you be willing to wait for a really good restaurant a half hour or would you just eat somewhere kind of crappy 'cause you could get in right away? What do you think? The look on people's faces when they wait in line, just like It's just-- What are-- Are you going to eat or to stand quietly? Have you ever uttered the phrase "Get off my lawn"? - No.
- Okay.
I mean Yeah, I've said-- but I didn't mean like, old man, like, "Get off my lawn!" I meant more like, "This is my property, so get off my lawn.
" I'm not gonna sugarcoat this for you.
You have early onset grumpiness.
What? Early onset grumpiness, EOG.
You're gonna begin to enjoy fewer and fewer things in your life.
You'll be saying things like, "Who are these people?" Who are those people? That's the-- I mean, that's a real question.
The only reason you'll leave the house is to see classic old movies, and even then you'll say, "It had some good parts, but all in all, it was fairly" Both: Uneven.
[Sighs.]
You're very young to have EOG.
Your life is gonna change forever.
Is there anything I can do? Normally we try meds, but you're too young for them.
You seem kind of grumpy.
Are you a grump? Yeah.
But I'm a very old man.
I'm 83.
I'm sorry.
I'll notify your family.
Don't notify my sister.
She doesn't even pick up the phone half the time.
She gives people a hard time.
Changed her number so many goddamn times, lucky we text at all.
Sorry, I don't quite have the words for this.
Mom, dad, I wanted to let you know that I'm a cool dresser.
Cool dresser? So I just want to prepare you, if we meet for dinner, I might have gloves on.
If we go to First Thursday and go to an art gallery, I might be in a jumper or a pair of overalls.
- Culottes.
- No.
I might wear a t-shirt with just one word on it, and it will have cost a lot of money.
I also have a motorcycle jacket that I wear.
- A motorcycle? - A motorcycle jacket? Are you driving a motorcycle now? No, those are dangerous.
- What's the point? - Honey.
You got to have a motorcycle if you got a motorcycle jacket.
So you would rather have me have a motorcycle because it makes more sense with the jacket.
Yeah, it's good protective wear.
What about that gore-tex jacket I got you? You bought me an extra-large coat.
- Like, that doesn't fit me.
- Needs to be big.
You got to get it over all your camping gear.
I don't understand.
You go out in that outfit? Honey, you're not prepared for anything.
I'm prepared for lunching.
I'm prepared for a Prosecco at 5:00 PM.
Are you gonna wear that hat to Thanksgiving? You're going to be representing a brand.
You're gonna be The Dollar Girl.
So you got to be ready for it.
You have to interact with photographers.
You have to stand in awkward positions and pose.
You got to be sexy but cold at the same time.
Indifferent, but friendly.
Your eyes got to say "Hello," but your face has got to say "Good-bye.
" Can you handle that? Okay.
Sexier.
No, not in your mouth.
Look at this.
They've delivered fish.
- Oh, don't do that.
- No, sit down.
- Settle down.
- Sit down.
You like her face? It's exquisite.
- No.
- No, no, no.
That's not-- That's close to model.
Can I get a beer, please? She used to be very raw, you know? Kind of wild.
- You can still see it, though.
- Oh, yeah.
It's raw, but on the way to sophistication.
I have to take a shit.
No.
That's not model behavior.
No.
Stop it.
Hey, that's cold, lady.
Oh.
How do they make people like that? They don't.
We do.
I like that.
Can you make, like, one of her arms a little longer kind of like-- like a snake's arm? Tighten it up, maybe make the face a bit smaller.
Ken, what do you think of that? I like that a lot.
I do too.
Dollar Store Stupid kids.
Hey.
No loitering.
Go on, beat it.
I'm not gonna beat it.
I mean, this is anyone's location.
I could be wherever I want.
This is anybody's alley.
Hey, you seem like something's the matter with you.
What's wrong? I was just at the doctor, and I got diagnosed with early onset grump.
Oh.
Congratulations.
Congratulations? Yeah.
You got to get out there.
Yeah, yeah, you got to find things to complain about.
Revel in your grumpiness.
Let it wash over you.
Yeah, yeah, let the world hassle you.
You mean like get out and get in line for really long concerts.
That's it.
At outdoor festivals.
There you go.
I'm gonna judge everybody.
That's right.
[Both muttering.]
Well, come on.
Go to it.
Okay, it was really nice to meet you.
- Ah-ah-ah.
- Oh.
It was awful meeting you.
Yeah, rotten to meet you too.
Now scram! All right, I'm scramming.
What a nincompoop.
I'd like to call my first "witless" to the stand, Mr.
Matt "Groaning.
" You said the word "Simpsons" a lot.
Did you hear that? Simpsons, Simpsons, what is that? The Simpsons is a TV show.
What does that stand for, "television"? Yes.
Too long to say "television," so you had to shorten it.
And how long you been doing this television show? - 26 years.
- 26 years? Wow.
Will you please mark down-- your stenographer, is that the word? That I've been working on these shirts for 28 years, two years longer than you've been doing your TV show, brought to you by soap.
That's probably not true.
"Probably not true.
" A lot of big words, huh? Is that what they teach you up there in Harvard? "Yeah, it's probably not true.
" Is it possible this is a case of parallel thought? I don't think so.
You do a whole lot of thinking, don't you? What about creating? Did you ever draw a smiley face? Yes.
So why don't you sue everybody for making smiley faces? I didn't invent the smiley face.
I invented Bart Simpson.
But you didn't invent Bart Ska-mpson, did ya? No.
[Sighs.]
The jury rests.
Let's all mosh.
[Ska music.]
- Come on, Iris.
- No.
Come on, everybody.
This is very embarrassing, Spyke.
Come on! I'm a lawyer.
Wow, it's a new ad campaign for The Dollar Store.
Huh.
She looks familiar.
Expect a high near 52 degrees.
Clear tonight with a low near-- [Laughter.]
[TV shuts off.]
Hi, you have a dollar, please? [Rhythmic tapping.]
Anyone have a dollar? Hi, you have a dollar, please? Hey, do you have a dollar? You have a dol-- Wow, thank you very much.
Hey.
We've got enough dollars to get ourselves a-- money for beer I've got money for beer but what kind of use is a dollar my whole world got smaller By half.
money for beer I've got money for beer I'd give up all of my dollars For some familiar squalor.
Both: and you all this change just doesn't add up who needs anything more than a buck I'm okay being broke but not brokenhearted I miss getting drunk and acting retarded Both: money for beer I've got money for beer but it doesn't take a scholar to see I'm short a dollar and that dollar is you Hey, Carrie.
Hey.
Listen, um I got diagnosed with early onset grumpism.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Gosh.
I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about all those things I said to you.
That's the disease talking.
Well, that makes sense.
It's a real thing.
I accept your apology.
Well, I thought to make up for it, it'd be really great if we went to, like, a music festival.
- Pickathon is coming up.
- Oh, yeah.
So I thought we could go to that, and, like, I could complain about, like, all the long lines and the crowds and the food and all the bands, you know? Oh, and I could buy a new outfit, and maybe I'd get photographed for a fashion blog.
Yes.
It's perfect.
It's a great way for us to be ourselves and still stay friends.
You're right.
Okay, I'm gonna go get in line for tickets.
All right.
So why don't you stay here and finish cleaning my jeans? All right.
It's a deal.
All right.
Stupid cleaning.
Do you have a-- Oh, never mind.
Hey.
Who are you? - Jeffrey, it's Quinn.
- Quinn? I thought I wasn't gonna see you again.
Well, here I am.
I really missed you, you know.
I really missed you too.
Are you going away again? I don't want to go away again.
I belong with you.
I think you're gonna make me cry.
I think you are gonna cry.
Well, do you have a dollar? Yeah.
Actually, I have $80,000.
We could buy beers.
Yeah, we should buy some beers.
[Gavel bangs.]
This is one of the easiest decisions I've ever had to make.
The court finds in favor-- Wait, wait.
Sorry.
[Whispering.]
Your Honor, I'd like to call a second witness.
Proceed.
Please state your full name for the court.
[In Bart Simpson's voice.]
Bartholomew J Simpson.
Bart Simpson.
Hey, Spyke.
Long time no see, man.
- What's going on? - [Sighs.]
So were you or were you not my neighbor in the early '80s? Yes, we were neighbors.
And Bart, what was your favorite kind of music? Uh ska.
And remind me, did I have a nickname for you because of ska? Yes, you did.
Bart Ska-mpson, The Original Rude Boy.
Bark Ska-mpson, The Original Rude Boy.
[Crowd murmurs.]
Hi, Bart.
Oh, hey, you went to Evergreen State, right? Building A, fifth floor.
You two went to college together? Yeah.
This is the guy that taught me how to ollie.
Just put a star next to "ollie.
" That's one of the words that we'll look up later.
So we do appear to have a case here of parallel thinking.
You invented Bart Ska-mpson based on knowing this man.
Yeah, him, right there.
Ay caramba.
Son.
You invented Bart Simpson also, evidently, based on knowing this man.
Apparently, yes.
Wait, is there a sketch artist here who can sketch me doing that? Mr.
Groening, if Mr.
Groening were willing to draw you.
I would prefer not to.
We're all looking for the truth here.
If you would draw him, that would be great.
I'm gonna give you an overbite.
- That's fine.
- This is awesome.
This could actually be worth something.
Come on.
What have we got? That's pretty good.
Wow.
I'm jealous.
I will agree to stop making these Bart Ska-mpsons as long as I have the rights to make a whole bunch of these.
The drawing was a gift from Mr.
Groening.
That doesn't give him the right to make more t-shirts.
That's why I'm here in the first place.
If you would like to appeal this decision, come back to Portland.
We'd be thrilled to have you in the courtroom any time.
This was a treat.
This is my worst nightmare.
Case dismissed.
[Applause.]
[Ska music.]
Is that skanking or moshing? Skanking.
I won my case blap I won my case Spyke.
We're-- we're enjoying it.
It's okay.
I won my case I won my case I won my, my, my, one my case I hope you don't get sued by The Specials.