Rake (2010) s05e06 Episode Script

GARETH: Not terrorists, Angela.
Turds and cleaning fluids in a lethal combination.
Not a terrorist attack, you say.
No.
No worries on that front.
I mean, the Government wants to do something about reforming mental health, and I want you to be part of it.
- (GUNSHOT) - (SCREAMS) Are you telling me that there is not a single account in this place - that you can open for me? - No, sir.
OK, what about your Tiny Tycoon Super Saver? I wouldn't want to be seen coming here all the time, so perhaps we could meet for a coffee? Roy.
Hey, haven't seen you in a while.
Yeah, I know, mate.
Look, I'm sorry.
There's just not the same call for lip-readers.
It's a bit of a shame, but there you go.
Let hell rain down! Dad promised it to me! Bullshit, he did! A summons, who is it? Oh, let me guess.
- Penelope - Penelope Evans.
Yes, yes.
Uh can we expect to see more of you around these parts? Well, there's no shortage of people with personal problems.
You know, Penny, I do so miss the old courtroom.
GARETH: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, for your attendance.
Now, I have just returned from a brief visit with His Excellency the Governor-General of Australia, where he commissioned me to form a new government as a result of last night's ballot for the leadership of the Federal Liberal Party.
Now, at this point, I would like to pay a heartfelt and sincere tribute to former Prime Minister Greg Peters' bold 21 weeks in office.
Well done, Greg.
But I must also say to you, firmly and sincerely, that I believe now is the time for the great ship Australia to be steered back to a true and steady course, for this is truly not the time Oh, God.
for sectional or marginal interests.
We are one nation.
We are one united Australia.
WOMAN: Click on this link if you want to learn more, Senator Greene.
Ooh, Senator Greene.
You know my name.
Ah, good morning, Glenda.
Enjoying your BuzzStay? Oh.
Oh, shit.
Oh what? No, no, I just I meant to close this, but I clicked on the link instead of I meant to close something.
No, no, no.
It's fine, I think.
That's fine, that's fine.
Uh, now.
Cup of coffee.
Um how did you sleep? I had sweet dreams, if that's what you meant.
Yeah, no, I pretty much just meant, "How did you sleep?" How was how was the snooze? Bed comfy? Comfortable, but a tad lonely.
Well, yeah, oh, well.
Can we talk about our feelings? There's no point bottling them up.
Oh, well, I'm I'm a bit of a fan of the bottle-up, actually.
They're all saying that's that's the way to go these days.
My wife's a shrink, and she says bottling up is very underrated.
Um she's a big fan of the bottle-up, as was Freud, apparently.
I'm sure we'll work it out.
Look, Glenda, I've, um I've just come out of a complicated, long-term relationship, so I'm not talking about a relationship, Cleaver.
I'm talking about intercourse.
Intercourse.
Sexual intercourse.
Yes, yes, I Yes, that's Yeah.
Can we? - (GURGLING) - I've What's that noise? Will you just excuse me for a moment, please, Glenda? (GURGLING) Oh, holy mother.
How is that possible? Oh, no! Oh, fuck, don't No, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, God! Fuck.
Cleaver! (SCREAMS) - Cleaver.
- Yes? Hey, Cleaver, Cleaver.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
Yes.
I'm scared, Cleaver.
- Will you come with me? - Look, uh Glenda, there's nothing I'd like more, but I've really got to do a spot of cleaning here, and I've got to get up to Sydney for this charity speech thingy.
- Ugh - Please be back by Friday.
I'll make it a night you'll never forget.
Oh Does she need oxygen? Ugh (MOANS) The old girl alright? Yeah, yeah, she'll be fine.
Mate, how is it possible that something like that can come out of someone as thin as that? I mean, that's got to be double her body weight.
Have you ever, ever seen a poo that size before? Oh, yeah.
A few.
The thin ones, you know, they're deceptive, they're (SIGHS) They're really the ones you got to worry about, mate.
- They bottle it all up.
- Do they? Yeah, the fatties are more evenly spread.
I had no idea.
Oh, that's just science, mate.
- Oh, bloody hell.
It's you.
- What? You're the senator that stands for nothing.
Oh, yes, yes, yeah.
I've done a bit of work at parliament myself.
Well, you've done more than I have, then.
The old parliament, the one under the tarp.
I was probably the last bloke in there, actually.
- Right, you were in there on the day? - Few days later.
They sent a plumber into a building that had been attacked by terrorists with toxic gas? Why? Just had to iron out a few details.
What, toilet details? I don't just work on toilets, mate.
I mean, why do people think that we just work on toilets? - That pisses me off.
- No.
No offence.
But so, sorry, they sent you in after they put the tarp on? Yeah, it's, you know Well, no, I don't know.
Why? What were you doing in there, mate? I mean You know, the thing was meant to be a toxic wasteland.
Mate, do me a favour, alright? This conversation, it never happened.
I'll give you 15% off.
- What? - We done, bro? - Yeah.
- Does that include GST? You're going to need a pretty heavy-hitting cleaner though, mate.
- (HORN HONKS) - Oh, yes, of course.
Uh, so 15% off, yeah? - Cash or card? - Uh, well, let me just Cleaver, you need to be in Sydney at 12:00.
- You're not even dressed.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, mate.
But look, there is a situation in there that you can't even imagine, and Come on.
Well, how much is this? - How much is it, mate? - $850.
$850? Fuck! But then there's the 15% off.
No, that includes the 15% off.
And GST.
Are you kidding me? My father always told me I should be a plumber.
Very well.
But I would appreciate a favour today.
(MEOW) My cat is not well, as you know, and it's causing me despair.
(SNEEZES) Bless you.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Press the receiver button on the steering wheel.
Senator Greene speaking.
Why are you answering your car phone? Uh, well, mate, a bit of a complicated situation.
Word is you've had, uh, quite the morning.
Yes, you could say that.
- Plumbing problems.
- Uh, yes.
How do you know about my plumbing problem? We're the government.
Look, I was calling 'cause I was wondering if you needed any help.
You are a valued crossbencher.
Oh, well, you could pay the bill, mate.
That's not going to happen.
OK, then, there's nothing you can do.
Well, we do have a list of recommended plumbers.
They'll give you 15% off.
Yes, I know.
My chief of staff got a name off that list.
Excellent.
Who was it, by the way? I don't know, some plumber.
Jake.
Ah, Jake.
And, uh, yeah, his brother Gordy.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah, good blokes.
- Chatty.
- Well, I suppose so.
You do know that they signed a nondisclosure agreement with the Commonwealth about anything they hear or see in the house.
I hope they weren't too indiscreet, didn't compromise you at all.
Uh, well, mate, I was just busy deshitifying myself, so, uh, no.
OK, mate.
Well, that's good.
Good.
We'll talk soon, eh? Strange times.
You remember Brian Oakley, the Defence Minister, didn't die that day because of poison gas.
We both know he died on the job with the Education Minister.
Yes, he died on the job, yes.
So what's that got to do with plumbing? You tell me.
No.
No, mate.
You tell me.
You're a driver, you know a shitload more than I do.
You know where all the bodies are buried.
I hope you're not thinking what I think you're thinking.
What are you thinking I'm thinking you're thinking? I'm thinking that you're thinking that Oh, Christ.
Is this what we've come to? I'm thinking Hmph, I'm thinking that for economic reasons, and in the best interests of our nation, that we consolidate our list of contractors to this place.
And I'm thinking, in general terms, about tradespeople, sparkies, chippies, and in particular, I'm thinking about plumbers.
Really? So this is what you're talking about? Serious consolidation? Consolidation with extreme prejudice.
Look.
I know we're talking about us going to prison, OK? We've spent millions covering up a non-event.
We've bought the biggest bloody tarp in the world.
I mean, it is a literal cover-up.
It's corruption on a massive scale.
Then consolidation with extreme prejudice vis-a-vis these plumbers.
That's about our only option, Joe.
It's your call, Prime Minister.
I'll need more time.
You keep up the surveillance.
(CALLS) Nicole, Maria.
Mama.
Nicky.
(SPEAKS POLISH) - Mama.
Nicky.
- Hey, Cleave.
This is my darling sister Nadia, she's in from London.
- Oh.
- This is the boss.
Yeah.
Senator Greene, I'm Nadia Vargas.
I am delighted to meet you.
I'm delighted to meet you too, Nadia.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, sorry.
I'll just get that, hang on.
I'm sorry, what is she What's she do What's she got in her ear? Maria Creche, good afternoon.
How may I help your little ones? Oh, Maria Creche.
Maria Creche.
What's she saying? Can you She said you're meant to be seeing your constituents.
OK, can you just translate this for her? Oh, loathsome mother, Senator Greene would love to see his constituents, but he can't find them under all the Lego and Beanie Boos.
Ah.
100,000.
100,000 what? Freckles? Barbara Cartland novels? I will settle the defamation suit for 100,000.
Oh.
Let me get my chequebook out.
(VIDEO PLAYS) "Penny Evans, which is not her original name, by the way, "is beyond delusional.
"She is actually a straight up and down liar.
"She's been lying to all of us, her constituents in particular, "for years now.
"Her 'modest farming family' that she bangs on about all the time, "turns out to have been one of Australia's biggest "agricultural concerns.
"She attended the elite St Margaret's private girls school, "and Sydney University, where she studied arts and the law, "and married frequently.
" So.
Well, you're a so-called lawyer.
What part of that's not defamatory? Well, none of it is defamatory, ah, because all of it is nice.
Yes, but none of it's true.
Yes, but you told me it was true, didn't you? Ooh, have you got evidence of that? I will settle, under confidential terms, for $100,000.
You lied to me.
I'm going to court.
Alright.
Well, this is written confirmation of my offer, which I will tend as evidence in court if you decline.
Should you do so, and I succeed, which I will, my lawyers reckon I'll get about $1 million in damages and another $500,000 or $600,000 in costs, because I was prepared to settle and not waste the court's time.
I don't have a hundred grand, Penny.
Why are you doing this? Look, Cleaver, it's not for the money.
I just think it's an insult to this country that you hold the office you do.
I want you gone, and if I have to bankrupt you to do it, I will.
Then my party can have two seats in the Senate.
OK, fine.
I'll see you in court.
Bye-bye now.
Nicole! I think I need Roy.
Uh, well, you owe him $500, so he won't take our calls.
Have you opened your Tiny Tycoon Super Saver account yet? Oh.
Now, here's the thing about that.
I may have opened a website that I shouldn't have opened.
And it looked very authentic, a sort of banking thing.
They knew my name.
You clicked on a bullshit site.
So what? Have you been skimmed? Well, it looked really legit, you know, and, um But but but the problem is that I still don't seem to have an account and the people in finance are saying that they have put all my pay - into this account - Well, OK.
that I don't seem to be able to access.
Why would they do that? Well, because, um, according to them, I may have given authorisation to this web page.
Can I just murder you now? Because there would not be a jury in all the land that would convict me.
I still need Roy in here.
Well, you can't have Roy because you owe him $500.
- Jakub! - He (SIGHS) How would you feel, my friend, if I said to you, big slap-up Polish feast at our joint tonight? OK, there is no "our joint", Cleaver.
And you can't keep staying at my place when you're in Sydney.
Could you get Roy on the phone, please? Mate, I need $500, just quietly.
And I'm looking at another ten points, Cleaver.
Yeah, I don't know what that means, mate.
But, no problem.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Yes? Oh, Cal.
Right on time.
Yes, I'll keep this short, Ms Greene.
There's no need.
We have an hour set aside.
I am appalled that the Health Minister is recklessly spending this vast sum of money on women's mental health.
OK.
You'll be out of here in a week.
OK.
Cal? Did you and your brother ever get on? My half-brother, you mean? Yeah, Joe.
Did you ever get on? Dad had a painting that never got mentioned in his will.
And Dad always promised it to me, but Joe said that Dad had promised it to him, which is bullshit! I mean, Joe didn't even like farm animals.
That was just something that me and Dad bonded over.
WOMAN: The thing is, I'm not a particularly healthy person.
I do run, which is good for weight and good for general health.
But, I don't I do secretly drink, secretly smoke.
It's the stress.
I, um I only ever really wanted to play football.
Be kept on the team.
But I I didn't do any better than 16B's at school.
It's purely emotional.
50 bucks maybe.
But he took it! - So you sued him? - Of course.
What choice did I have? Right, so this legal battle that's been going over this $50 painting.
- It's been going for - Seven years.
Cost me upwards of five mill so far.
Nobody knows this, but, I've only got seven toes.
From birth, it's just a gene thing.
My dad only had five.
(WEEPS) (SOBS) Mummy, Mum.
My mum used to joke about what a great halfback she would've made.
But then I realised she was a socialist and she'd kept it hidden from us for years.
So I've been doing, well, I've been doing a fair bit of coke.
Going to clubs and doing a bit of swinging, which is OK.
So I've got this Healthy Oz campaign launch next week and the closer I get to the launch, the more I just want to get completely fucked up.
Yeah, but it's not about the money.
But that's actually one of the reasons your wife is pissed off with you, isn't it? - You've had to move house recently.
- Yeah, yeah.
Can we not talk about Jane today? Can we save it for next week? Yep, of course.
She scares me.
(SOBS) - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Shit! It's OK, it's OK.
Just check my shoes.
Check my shoes, check my shoes.
Coming.
I find this very helpful, Wendy.
Thank you for finding the time.
But no-one needs to know about this, right? Absolutely not.
And thank you for the 400K a year, Gareth.
(MARIA HUMS TO HERSELF) (LAUGHTER) - NICOLE: How many do you want? - NADIA: Two.
Oh.
Two please.
Stop trying to fatten me up, please.
Stop.
Too many.
What brings you to Sydney, Nadia? (LAUGHTER) Just a holiday.
See the family.
Lydia is a headhunter in advertising.
She's a bigwig.
- Right.
- Modest.
- Oh, really? - Yes, really.
Very interesting.
You didn't, uh, mention that you had a sister.
- Really? - Mm.
(LAUGHTER) I think it's sweet of you to include Jakub.
Oh, well, we include Jakub in everything we do.
Don't we, mate? No.
Not in everything we do.
No, not in every thing.
That'd be, a bit, you know, if there's a good time to be had, Jakub's there at the top of the list.
(LAUGHTER) Roy wants cash, by the way.
Oh, God.
Nature calls.
Actually, nature's calling me too.
Oh, nature's having a busy night.
Uh, I'm afraid I must go, Senator.
- MARIA: Really? Oh! - Bye, mate.
NICOLE: Mama.
I mean, this is delicious.
Ah, you know, you Poles, with your food.
What? Good good on you.
Good on good for you.
That was fantastic.
Really fantastic.
So, Jakub is what? Your strategist? Jakub? No.
No, he's my driver.
Seems very smart.
Well, yeah, I mean, he's a smart enough guy.
You have to be quite smart to be the driver for a senator, 'cause I'm I liked his suit.
- His suit? - Mm-hm.
Yeah, I mean, you know, he's quite a well-dressed guy.
He's quite a clever guy, I will grant you that.
But you know, the suit, obviously that's a part of his uniform, his driver's uniform.
Goes with the job that I gave him.
He has four homes.
What the fuck? All without mortgages.
How does a driver do that? Jesus, I have no idea.
I like to help him out with his finances.
You know, 'cause he's a mate and he's got a wife and And two girlfriends.
He was very upfront with me.
I like that.
Yeah.
Yes, I've got a I've got an ex-wife and a son and a grand piano, because I love to play.
I'm sure they're just chatting.
Well, that was your mistake, Mama.
- What happened to Jakub? - I don't know.
I don't know.
Oh, she's your darling, Mama? We're both your darlings, Mum.
We're both your daughters! You are not a Vargas! You are not your father's daughter.
Jakub has had a vasectomy.
I find that very attractive.
Wow, you really What are you doing? Just touching your shoulder on the shoulder.
- Well, please don't.
- OK.
(SOUND OF ARGUMENT) - Mama, what's the problem? - She just told me I'm not a Vargas.
- She told you? - What? You're not a virus? No, I'm I'm not a Vargas.
I'm not my father's daughter.
How's that even scientifically possible? - Why did you tell her? - I'm a Plimpton.
What's the difference? - What's the diff? What's the diff? - - You are a - Fuck you, Cleaver! (SOUND OF ARGUMENT) You just you fucked my boss within 30 seconds of meeting him.
I didn't want to fuck your boss, I really wanted to fuck his driver.
He already has a wife and two girlfriends.
That's enough.
Oh, to you, Mama! To you! My whole life I'm a Vargas.
Turns out I'm a Plimpton.
Why did you tell her? She knew?! - What's a Plimpton? - Shut up! - What? - Shut up! So this is why you've always had more affection for her, Mama? That is horseshit, Nic.
We both knew Mum slept round.
- How dare you? - What? I didn't know that actually, Nadia.
Thank you.
Nic, I don't even know if I'm a Vargas.
- You are a Vargas! - Says who, Mama? Who who who was the Plimpton? (MARIA WEEPS) Mama, who was the Plimpton? Mama! Mama! His name was George.
I met him in New York at a boxing game when I was visiting Uncle Lech.
- George Plimpton? - What does it matter? Not THE George Plimpton! - What do you mean "the"? - Well, he liked boxing.
He liked boxing, yes? Yeah, he knew some guys, but he was no boxer himself.
He just wrote about it.
George Plimpton?! I mean, the man's a He's one of my all-time heroes.
He was unbelievable journalist.
He's a pal of Muhammad Ali.
He covered the Rumble in the Jungle.
He founded the Paris Review.
Yeah, he was in Africa for a week or two.
I remember that other fellow you mentioned.
Which other fellow? - The black one.
- What, Muhammad Ali? Well, if that was his name.
There was a meeting.
Yeah, I met him with George.
So you you you had dinner with Muhammad Ali and you had sex with George Plimpton? Oh, yes, that's George.
That's George! Oh, my God.
Daddy.
- I'm a lawyer.
A big lawyer.
- CAL: Yeah.
A man known to be savage.
To have no conscience.
My wife knows I have no conscience.
My two-year-old looks at me like I have no conscience.
But, Cal, it's been five years.
You've put three of my kids through school with what you've spent trying to get this shitty little painting back from your brother.
He's my half-brother, and my father wanted me to have that painting, Francis.
He told me so on his death bed, and that fuckwit Cal, it's your word against your brother's.
Half-brother.
Cal, we have no proof! You understand? - It's beautiful! - No, it isn't.
It's an abomination.
In all my years as a lawyer I have never said this, but you have to stop this now.
I actually don't want to take any more of your money.
It's keeping me up at night, man.
The painting is worth nothing, and it's insane what you've spent.
Very well, Francis.
Let's consider the matter terminated.
Morning, folks.
Where's Nadia? - Melbourne.
- Oh, that's right, yeah.
(WISTFUL MUSIC) (MARIA SIGHS) Oh.
I'm gonna go and have a shower.
Morning.
Morning, Prime Minister.
You, you, you, you.
I know you.
We've met before.
You're very familiar.
Yes, Melissa Partridge.
We met in Sydney a few years ago at a couple of functions.
I work for Cleaver Greene.
Oh, God.
Love a duck.
You poor thing.
Well, good luck with all of that.
It's very nice to see you again, Melissa.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Shit! Missy! Missy! Missy? Missy? How are you, Fluffy? Oh, Christ alive.
(CLEARS THROAT) Melissa, through here.
No interruptions, people.
Have a seat.
Just Right, well, first thing.
Eh Thank you for not putting me in your book which I enjoyed.
And the movie, which (LAUGHS) Oh, God.
Listen, there's not going to be a sequel, is there? No.
Thank Christ for that.
So, you and Greene, you're not together? No.
Well, not that Greene.
Actually, I've had his grandchild.
(LAUGHS) That's (LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
So what is it you do for him? You do media, do ya? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Come and do it for me.
- What? Come work for me.
The Prime Minister.
You know you don't need to buy my silence, Gareth.
I won't tell anyone.
I know that.
But I need I need someone who can tell a story people want to hear.
I have a baby.
Well, not that story, please.
So what sort of job are you offering me exactly? Well, I don't know.
You could you could pick your own title, except Prime Minister, because that is well and truly taken.
But, you know, you could be the the acceptable face of Australian politics.
Prodigal daughter.
So ex-hooker, ex-drug addict, mother of a child to an ex-client's son.
Yes, yes, yes! That is the CV the right really needs now.
(LAUGHS) What about those stories about you and Caitlin? Are they true? Oh, who cares? They don't have to be.
There are other stories because I'm a man of many appetites.
I know.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
We'll start from page one.
And after taking Greene down once and for all but, you know, I think I think Penny Evans has got that one covered.
Oh, don't take down Cleaver, Gareth.
I wouldn't like that.
DAVID POTTER: It appears, Mr President, that a blue tarp is our new national symbol.
A giant blue tarp entirely encasing Parliament House, the international symbol that is the wreckage that is this government.
Have you seen the memes, Mr President? The world is laughing at us from Washington DC to London to Beijing, Minsk, Phnom Penh.
And it wasn't so bloody pathetic it really would be funny.
It really would.
Senator Potter is warned! I apologise, Mr President.
You know what? I think we should change the flag, I really do.
Some people think our flag should be green and gold.
Other people think that maybe it should be an ice-cream, perhaps an Eskimo Pie or a Golden Gaytime.
But I think a flag made out of blue plastic would be a very fitting symbol of this government.
After all, it is the colour of their ties and blue is the colour of their eyes and it is most definitely the colour of their lies.
Not only that, you can also wrap yourself up in it and the entire world can piss all over you all it wants, and you can still pretend you're damp, even when you're up to your neck in shit.
Senator Potter will remove himself from the chamber for the rest of the day! - (APPLAUSE) - Order! Order! Order! Order! POTTER ON VIDEO: "Have you seen the memes, Mr President? "The world is laughing at us" Look at that.
He's trying to be me.
What a dickhead! That's me.
I mean, he's he's channelling me.
"If it wasn't so bloody pathetic, it really would be funny.
" She's she's teaching she's teaching him to be me.
I mean, that's all we need, a couple of hundred mes in the country.
Cleave.
- Roy.
- Jury? Yes.
Yes, mate.
Thank you.
Yes.
Nicole said you had my money.
Yes.
Yeah, talk to him.
Him.
Oh! What? Somebody doesn't appear to have representation.
Thought you were gonna have some fancypants team of lawyers here.
If we're gonna be mano a mano, this thing is gonna be over in a nanosecond, OK.
I'll give you 500 bucks and we walk out of here now.
For the public.
I don't want it to look like I've got legal representation, Cleaver, but I never walk alone.
Right.
Rightio, then.
OK.
"Penny Evans, which is not her original name, by the way, "is beyond delusional.
"She is actually a straight up and down liar.
"She's been lying to all of us, "her constituents in particular, for years now.
"Her modest farming family that she bangs on about all the time "turns out to have been one of Australia's biggest "agricultural concerns.
" Senator Evans.
Your Honour, I apologise, but as you can see, I am not in a financial position to be able to afford expensive legal counsel.
Some friends and supporters have come to my aid, and to them I say I'm truly grateful.
Um (NERVOUS LAUGH) It it's daunting for me as a wool classer from South Australia to have to combat an experienced QC like Cleaver Greene.
Well, Senator Greene is not a QC.
He is not even a member of the Bar.
Oh.
Oh, I apologise, Your Honour.
Oh, yes.
I see.
He was disbarred for disparaging and disrespecting the bench when he was found guilty of murder.
Your Honour No, the defendant was eventually acquitted of conspiracy to commit murder.
Oh.
I am sorry, Your Honour.
I must have misheard.
It was conspiracy to commit murder.
Acquitted on appeal, Senator.
Oh, yes, appeal.
Acquitted on appeal of murder.
Conspiracy to commit murder, Senator.
Yes, I apologise again.
Of course.
It was conspiracy to commit murder.
- Murder! - CLEAVER: Oh! (GASPS) Oh! Oh! Ooh! Are you OK, Senator Evans? Yes, I'm fine.
Your Honour, I'm sorry, it's just some shoulder pain from a would-be assassin's bullet.
Someone was hired to kill me by an enemy.
Are you fuck kidding me.
I beg your pardon, Senator Greene? Your Honour, I I would be the first person Well, I'm probably not the first, but I would certainly be in a group of Australians who would deplore what has happened to Senator Evans and her shoulder, and I'm sure that she's not accusing me of being involved in this shooting, given that I was standing next to her at the time in a zebra suit.
(LAUGHTER) But, Your Honour, could we please move on to the substance of these spurious defamation proceedings? Actually, Your Honour, I think it was Senator Greene who commissioned and paid for my assassination attempt.
Are you kidding me? Your Honour, could we please not allow her to turn this into a criminal circus? This, after all, is is is a civil circus.
Well, I think he tried to kill me.
Isn't that material to this case in some way? Oh, man, she is a piece of work, Your Honour.
I offered him $100,000 to make this go away.
Are you kidding me? Your Honour, she asked me for a hundred grand to make this go away.
Well, I don't think we should be wasting any of more of your time, Your Honour, on quibbling about who asked for or who offered $100,000.
Oh, on the contrary, Your Honour.
I think it's highly material to this case that we examine who, who offered who and who asked who for a hundred thousand because she asked me for $100,000 to make this thing disappear.
And you refused the offer? Of course I did, Your Honour.
You do realise the liability of costs you have just admitted, Senator Greene.
They will be substantial in the event you fail in these proceedings.
Of course, Your Honour.
Senator Evans.
You're fucked.
Being just a wool classer, I have no expertise in these matters.
But I think I believe the expert evidence before us that confirms that the bullet that shot me was fired from a Bling 4 bolt-action rifle.
Your Honour, I'm sorry, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with the case at hand.
I would request that Your Honour instruct the plaintiff to continue with the defamation case that is currently being ventilated in this courtroom.
I am, Your Honour.
The jury has seen the footage, which was broadcast across the country, in which I was called a liar and lies were told about me, arguably destroying my electoral base.
My case is done, apart from any further investigation into the person who ordered my assassination.
Thank you.
It would seem it's time to open your case, Senator Greene.
Thank you, Your Honour.
Your Honour, the plaintiff asked me to have a drink with her on the night in question, which I did, and she told me a story, which I believed, about her antecedents, which I then went on to repeat on air.
- That's a lie! - The plaintiff will resume her seat.
- Proceed, Senator Greene.
- Thank you, Your Honour.
Now, the plaintiff told me this story to trap me into these circumstances, which she claims are defamatory.
Now, I have variously called the plaintiff smart, well-educated, and from a good family.
Is that, ladies and gentlemen, where we are now in the world of politics? That you cannot be seen to be a cut above? Because if that is the case, then we are in a serious and tragic race for the bottom.
Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is, in the final analysis, quite simply a case of her word against mine, and my word is the truth.
Thank you, Your Honour.
- So? - The jury hate you.
I saw one say to another "He tried to kill her.
Don't believe a word he says.
" Nicole, would you excuse for a moment, please? There's only one choice available to the Senator at this point.
Which is? You tell him, Senator.
I'm just the driver.
I need to be shot, Roy.
We need to create the illusion that there's a madman out there.
Well, not an illusion.
There clearly is.
Well, yes, there is.
I mean, I didn't shoot her.
There is a madman out there.
What we need to do is balance the argument.
There clearly are crazy people out there who want to kill politicians on both sides.
Well, in your case on no side.
The whole issue of me trying to murder Penny needs to be wiped off the table, OK? So we need a shooting, Roy.
Obviously not fatal, but something a little more serious than Penny's.
I mean, that's how she's winning in there, mate, with all these morons.
It's this sympathy bullshit.
So I need something a little worse than hers.
You want me to hire a shooter? Yes, yes, but just to be clear, not fatal, OK? Not fatal, just badly wounded is what Jakub and I were thinking.
I'm just a driver.
I'm just a lip-reader.
Roy, we both know that you've hired shooters in the past.
Ages ago, Cleave.
Fuck! Gotta be three years.
You defended a dozen of them.
You pick one.
Senator, I know someone who'll do it for ten.
- Ten? - He's a marksman.
Actually an Olympian.
He won't miss.
I can get it done for six and a half.
- An Olympian? - No, but Commonwealth Games.
Senator, you wanna risk? Oh, mate.
No, no, I'm sorry.
Commonwealth Games.
I mean, you wouldn't understand 'cause you're a Pole.
But we hold the Commonwealth Games in very high regard out here.
Don't we, Roy? So, Roy, to be clear, not fatal.
OK? Not fatal.
Just a flesh wound, alright? So I'm thinking, you know, shoulder or rump, OK? And we can just wipe this shit off the table because she is just a lying fraud, OK? And he's gonna sort you out with the six and a half.
You sure you wanna go cheap on this? Mate, I'm being fiscally responsible.
As you wish, Senator.
Oh, and Roy, whoever does this has to use a Bling 4 bolt-action rifle, OK? Same as Penny's.
That may cost a little bit extra.
That would be right.
Roy, Roy I'm not gonna end up with a bullet in my brain, am I, mate? No.
Trust me.
In any case, I know the right surgeon.
- You like these? - Oh, my God.
They look much better.
A square frame.
Mm.
I thought they (LAUGHS) - No, so much better.
It's incredible.
- No, no, no.
I felt like like it was the first time I'd felt free since I was seven years old.
You set me free.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(SIGHS) It's getting late.
You wanna get a drink? Are you hungry? I mean, I'm not paying for this session.
The government is, so technically I'm not your patient.
- No, I'd love to get a drink.
- Great.
It's not really a comedy, but I am pleased to say I managed to get through two seasons of The Crown with my republican ideals fully intact.
I'm quite keen on the royals at the moment, actually.
- Really? - Mm.
Anyway I don't think so.
- Have you seen Friday Night Lights? - No.
What's that? It's the best series ever made.
I get the feeling that that's not a new series, though.
- Have you not seen that? - No.
- Oh, my God! - Who's in that? - Connie Britton.
- Mm-hm.
- And, ah Coach.
- And Coach? And Coach.
Connie Britton and Coach.
- Night.
- Night.
Night.
Hey Why did you kick me out of that meeting with Roy and Jakub today? 'Cause it was it was nothing.
It wasn't very important.
Oh, my God.
You're planning something stupid.
What? Why would you why would you assume that? Because I bloody know you.
It was a strategy meeting, right? Right, with your driver and your lip-reader but not your chief of staff.
Look, you need to get some shuteye, I think, 'cause you're looking very sleepyheaded, and snoozy, Nadia.
Nadia? - What? - You just called me Nadia.
- I didn't.
- You just called me Nadia.
I did not.
I said sleepyheaded tonight, goodnight.
Right? So fuckety night, crazy lady.
(COOL MUSIC) (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) It's barely a nick.
It's fuckin' hopeless! I've done more damage trimmin' my fuckin' nasal hair.
- This is a disaster! - Yeah, well, I didn't wanna hurt ya.
Mate, the whole point of the exercise was to hurt me, yes? Remember? Shoot him in a soft fleshy part, notably, you know, the arse.
Fuck, I and I'm sorry, Roy.
Commonwealth Games? This man was never in the Commonwealth Games.
- Yeah, I was.
- What, for shooting? - Yeah, I was.
- Bullshit! - I was! - Well, I'm never watching them again.
Oh, great! Look at this! That's how I'm supposed to look.
Why does she look like the victim? Because you pushed me over.
Yeah, tryin' to save your life.
Come on! All you had to do was just keep walking, Cleave.
Sudden hits movements during a hit, not very useful, mate.
- Down to you, Cleave.
- Oh, like everything else, mate.
But it's fine.
You don't have to be hurt to appear injured.
I'll get my friend.
It'll cost you another five.
Oh, another five? So are you counting this, Roy? That's 10 now.
Commonwealth Games my arse, and why are you doing hits? I thought you had your fancypants restaurant chain with Kirsty? Yeah.
Can we just not talk about Kirsty please, Cleave? Ooh! I see! But, for another five, I reckon I could solve all your problems.
Another five, huh? I know who shot Penny Evans.
- What? - Well, I was offered the job, but I was busy so I just referred it to a mate of mine.
And? She ordered it herself.
I knew it.
I fuckin' knew it! Unbelievable! What kind of a scumbag orders a hit on themselves? (SNEEZES) REPORTER: Senator Senator Greene Are they any closer to - Senator, just a few words.
- Do you know the sniper? Any ideas on the sniper, Senator? Oh.
How you doing, Cleaver? Glad you pulled through.
I want you to withdraw this action and resign from Parliament this afternoon for health reasons.
(LAUGHS) Have a look.
That's the name of the fellow who shot you.
And I know who organised it, so walk away or it's prison.
After advice from my doctors, it has become apparent, following my shooting, the stress of these proceedings and my relentless work as a senator has absolutely taken its toll on me and affected my health very badly.
As such, I will be withdrawing.
I have withdrawn the proceedings against Senator Greene, and I will be informing the President of the Senate that I resign my seat immediately.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) What do you want? I'm withdrawing my claim on the painting.
Nope.
Seriously.
Look, Jay, we're both here now.
And there is serious stuff to be done and, quite frankly, we've both been behaving like a pair of spoilt brats for years.
I mean, God knows how much have we spent trying to own a painting that we both know to be crap? I know, but Dad said No, don't go there.
Look, we need to rebuild our relationship.
Not just for you and me, but for the nation.
I mean, the party's all at sea without us, if we're divided.
Well, God knows, I don't wanna spend any more money on lawyers.
No.
So you get the painting.
It really is a piece of shit, isn't it? (LAUGHS) I mean.
I mean, look at it.
God! Are we morons or what? I mean, how much have we spent on this bit of kindling? 10 mill? Mate, we are two pricks forever linked by a third prick.
(BOTH LAUGH) Here's to a nest of pricks.
Here's to a nest of pricks, mate.
I can't tell you how happy this makes me, Cal.
Oh, it's alright, mate.
Bulldog.
(CHUCKLES) We're together again.
And, mate, you and I are unstoppable.
I I love you, Jay.
I love you, too, Piggy.
Come here.
Oh, God! Can you get me a tissue, please, mate? It's embarrassing.
Piggy! You little arse wipe! I knew you'd be back before I left.
(RAUNCHY MUSIC) For God's sake, officer.
Do your bloody job and arrest this man! Are you gonna pour, Caitlin Farquhart? - No.
No using the toilet.
- Thank you.
If I can't convince the Chinese to remain neutral, God forbid.
You look absolutely radiant.
Get me a drink, Cal.
And you've created an international incident.
What in Christ's name did you say to them?! - Liars.
- You appear on their website.
- All of them, liars.
Fake news.
- There is footage.
- Just drive, Cleaver! - Oh, fine! Oh, God!