Rick and Morty (2013) s05e06 Episode Script

1
Are we are we gonna put it
back when we're done with it?
Why? The only thing of value on
it is the secret treasure map.
The rest is just instructions
for running a country,
and I'm pretty sure they're online.
It just feels a little wrong
Morty, are you gonna be
a [BLEEP] America nerd
or are you gonna be cool and steal
the Constitution with Grandpa?
Here, hold this while I
crack the hermetic seal.
W-Why not just use this again?
Morty! You just destroyed the map
and activated the giant assassin
hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
I'm sorry w-wait, what?
It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
Never trust the French.
All right, fun's fun,
but now the federal government's
gonna be pissed again.
Way to go. And on America's birthday
or whatever the [BLEEP] Thanksgiving is.
Rick and Morty! You are under arrest
and surrounded by an
anti-portal shimmer!
Come out with your hands up!
Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me.
Can't wait to see what a "shimmer"
does to my prostate.
Dad, can you please just
end whatever this is
I understand you're
upset, Mr. President.
It's honestly all Morty's fault.
But in the meantime, you really
want to keep your army
of pointlessly camouflaged
Eagle Scouts off my lawn.
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti-American
piece of [BLEEP], you terrorist!
You know, you use that word so much
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.
It's like, at this point,
what's a terrorist?
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
Hoo-rah!
Told you to stand down.
You just lost two soldiers
over here. Good men.
Might be time to look at
the terrorist in the mirror.
You want a war?!
I'll put your outer-space ass
in a goddamn Phantom Zone
with a bar of kryptonite
soap around your neck.
You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?
Oof. He's really pissed this time.
Why don't you guys just
[BLEEP] and get it over with.
Okay, well, thank you, Summer,
but I think I've got a better option.
- Dad, no.
- Ehh hands are tied, sweetie.
I have to turn myself into a
turkey and trick the President
into giving me a Presidential
turkey pardon.
Again? How many times
have you done this?
I don't know, Jerry, how
many years have I lived here?
- Careful how you answer that.
- Geez, Rick,
y'know, y-you've done this a lot.
Don't you think the President
might see it coming this time?
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.
In the past, I've inserted myself
into the potential turkey
pardonee population
by brainwashing the
presidential turkey wrangler
prior to the ceremony.
But this time, the turkey
wrangler's been euthanized
and the turkeys will be transported
by armored military vehicles.
Vehicles manufactured by ghost
corporations that I control.
- Which we have audited.
- Allowing me access to
- Central computers
- To track the
Real armored transports,
which he can never
Totally track and sneak aboard.
And even if he does, he'll be on a truck
full of turkeys and fully armed marines.
Who won't recognize me
because the human eye
is inherently face blind to turkeys.
Fortunately, those marines
won't have human eyes.
- They'll have turkey eyes.
- Jesus ever-loving Christ,
why don't you two just
[BLEEP] and get it over with?
Careful, Dwayne.
You're only Vice President
because I need 10% of the white vote.
There's a giant French
assassin attacking New York,
and you're using the war
room to measure dicks
with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend?
Rick Sanchez is more dangerous
than some steam-powered French bitch,
and New York can handle
its own global emergencies.
General? Initiate Operation Deep Gobble.
Coop, not on Thanksgiving.
It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.
- It ain't our fight.
- Baby.
That little race car driver
you got bakin' in your belly.
What world you want him rearin' up in?
One where some
spiky-haired Doctor Who
in a lab coat can change
the color of the sky?
Or a world where he can fill
his pickup with hot dogs
and drive it to a jukebox
full of our demographic's
current favorite music?
Obviously the latter, but
Well, that world, Mary Lou,
the one with those meals,
vehicles, and songs people in
this 30-mile area prefer
that world needs a few good men.
In a secret Pentagon lab.
Turning into turkeys.
You come back without feathers, Coop.
God, I love this country.
Hoooo-ah!
I got a pregnant girl
and a pickup truck ♪
I got one by choice
and the other by luck ♪
But now it's time to
turn into a turkey ♪
I hope there can be peace one day ♪
Till then, I pray my DNA ♪
-
- Gets backed up ♪
These pills contain tracking chips
that identify each of
you as individuals.
That will be important later.
Gobble, gobble ♪
Gobble, gobble ♪
When I turn into a turkey ♪
All right, boys, search every bird.
If Sanchez is here,
I wanna hear you gobblin'.
Let me look at you, scum.
Get outta here, you wobbleneck.
Sarge, this this ain't
like the simulation, man.
- I don't like it.
- Keep it together, Martinez.
Eyes are on the ground, sir.
- No sign of Einstein.
- Stay frosty, gentlemen.
I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.
Sir! We have hacked the garage door.
We are in. Eyes on the bogey.
Or you've got eyes on a robot.
All due respect, sir,
I know flesh when I see it!
Those flesh-covered robots
should buy us some time.
The pardonable turkeys
should be on that truck.
Ship, go stealth.
Rodriguez, Fincher. Get eyes on that.
Huh. Turkey Marines.
The President came to play.
Jam those two radios.
Confirmed.
Ah! Geez!
Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
Copy, copy, tango, all good.
Just a couple of branches on the roof.
Don't ever turn your radio off again.
- We will not surrender.
- We will never surrender.
- We will not surrender.
- Oh, yeah?
Bring in the David Blaine box.
Damn, is that a David Blaine box?
I told you we should have just
gone to my parents' house.
- No, you didn't.
- Well, I didn't say it out loud,
but it should be well known by now
that I'd always rather be there.
- Oh, God, oh, no!
- Aw, geez, Rick!
Sir, we've got Rick and
Morty inside the box!
- Then that confirms it.
- Sir?
No David Blaine box
can hold Rick Sanchez.
Scan the turkey truck!
Huh. That's weird.
ID chips for Fincher and
Rodriguez are glitching.
Sanchez
I'll deal with this bastard myself.
Sir, don't be a cowboy.
- You can't get re-elected dead.
- System is calibrated, sir.
That pill contains a tracking
chip that will identify
I know, it'll be important later!
Do it.
Moments from now,
the President will be
pardoning a turkey
Home stretch, Morty.
Here comes dip [BLEEP]
right on schedule.
Nothing can go wrong now.
- Jesus, is that
- Oh, [BLEEP].
The President has the upper hand.
G-Grandpa [BLEEP] up. Sunglasses on.
- Act like a turkey.
- What? Wha
- Are you scared?
- Act like a turkey!
- That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.
- It's Rick and Morty,
you useless [BLEEP] stump humper!
Sorry, don't tell 10% of your
friends I called you that.
Mr. President.
Sanchez, admit it. You lose.
Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.
Did you just try to spit in my
face with no saliva gland?
Just pardon me, dick.
- Why the hell would I?
- Oh, I dunno,
'cause if I move to Canada,
they'll be the best country!
I'll peck your goddamn eyes out!
Ow! Hey!
- Shit! My plume!
- Hey, back off!
Blueberries! We got blueberries down!
Hold your positions,
it's a feeding frenzy!
I-I can't see. I mean, I can see.
270 degrees it's too many degrees!
Sir, we are losing the
mental game down here.
Keep it together, soldier!
POTUS is still in that pen
We just lost New York to France!
Pull out the President right now!
Gobble Tango I want
POTUS out of that pen!
That is an order!
Locate the president's chip!
Roger, roger.
There he is, I got him.
Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
Hey, that's not me!
Package is secure. Pull us out.
Reinjecting subject DNA.
Hoppin' Jehovah, you look
like five pounds of shit
in a whore's lunchbox.
You all right, Mr. President?
Yes. I am the President.
Clean his ass up and get
him to the War Room.
Hey! Gobble Squad! You got
the wrong guy, you morons!
Look at this dumb piece of [BLEEP].
Gobbling away. Get back in there!
All right, boys, you heard the VP.
Pardon is tits up.
Pack up and ship out!
As for you, Sanchez
bon appétit.
Where is this elevator going?
Where all the unchosen turkeys go.
The feeding chamber.
- What the [BLEEP] is that?
- Not what who.
The only thing to fear is me!
How the [BLEEP] does the White House
have a cloned spider of FDR?
It's no clone, it's FDR.
He was a guinea pig
for the polio vaccine.
We asked ourselves
"What walks the most?"
"We?" You're taking credit for this?
The office comes with baggage, Morty.
- Rick, I'm afraid to die!
- You won't have to be for long, Morty!
We're due to return to
human form any second!
- Then what?
- Then we just have to not get eaten
by the spider!
Oh, so in other words, be afraid to die?
Morty, if winning an argument
is that important to you,
you were never alive!
Time for a New Deal Murder!
I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were!
Try having an historical administration
after Facebook goes online,
you old-timey bitch!
Morty, tear open that panel!
How's this for a fireside chat?
Woof. You just killed FDR.
He was a monster, though.
Don't mythologize him.
He was a politician.
Speaking of, you kind of
saved our bacon there,
so I'll make you a deal.
You pardon us and I'll make you human.
Wrong turkey.
Man, the face blindness is real.
I'd like these men turned
back into humans, please.
Uh, yes, of course, Mr. President.
But I thought we already rehumanized
all the turkified marines.
I'd like these men turned
back into humans.
I am the President.
Yes, sir. Uh, sure thing.
Increase their strength by 1,000%.
But that wouldn't be human.
Turkeys have always
been more than human.
Okay, uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to
I am selling New York to France.
And giving all of the money to Congress.
All right, yeah!
Now that's how you do it!
He became President today.
That's right, murmur!
And when you're done, get me some pants.
If you're the President,
who the hell have we been
governing the country with
for the last three hours?
An impostor, you good for nothing idiot!
You humanized the wrong turkey!
It's possible.
We shouldn't leave anything to chance.
Wouldn't want Congress working
with the wrong president.
A very good point, Mr. President.
Do we believe this fine feathered,
collaborative gentleman to
be our commander-in-chief?
Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash
Bar at the Christmas Party"
stay in office?
All in favor of Turkey President?
You can't be serious.
You think he cares about America?
Is that why this is happening to you?
Because you cared about America?
Guards, these men are
oh, what is the word?
Uh, terrorists.
Okay, screw this. Go,
Go, Sanchez laser fists.
Oh, [BLEEP], I was a turkey
for a while, wasn't I?
Okay, guy's pretty strong.
Mary Todd Lincoln!
Who's dead weight now, bitch?
You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.
Sorry my turrets blew
up your motorcycle.
Just give me some goddamn clothes.
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.
Y-You want your regular outfit
- or should we dress you like a terrorist?
- I don't need to be here,
and I'm still the President.
Oh, glad to hear it. That means
you can give me that pardon.
Or Or I could put
you out with the trash.
What is your problem?!
Why do you hate this country?
I hate every country in
the universe, brother!
They're job placement programs
for the politicians that invent them
Okay, Fight Club.
I get paid to protect
the sidelines you sit on!
You get paid to make sports metaphors!
I clean your litterbox!
So your little nerd paws
don't have to touch
another nerd's nerdy poopies
while you're flexing
your grody little edge
lord anus all over it!
Guys, maybe you're both right
- and both wrong.
- Shut up, Morty!
You little bitch, you destroyed
the Constitution.
You're the biggest booger eater here!
Do not talk to my son that way.
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
The two of you are ruining
Thanksgiving. Together.
And you can both either
come to the table
and eat food with my family
or you can keep doing what
you're doing at the corner bar.
Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.
I'm still trying to sort through this.
One of you wishes you
had the personal quality
known as courage,
but the other two of you
want actual vital organs?
This Charlie Kaufman
reboot of "Wizard of Oz"
is destroying itself.
That's why I need a brain!
I'm doing a terrible job writing this!
Pass the potatoes.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Good green beans, Mom.
The turkey's raw, Dad.
Shit's potato bunz.
Sorry, Summer,
the United States enclosed us
in a shimmer bubble that
scrambled my oven timer.
So I guess elections
do have consequences.
Eat my ass, Jerry.
I've seen your IRS records.
You can blame me once
you have taxable income.
Yes, Jerry is a piece of [BLEEP].
I agree.
Um, guys? What's that?
Paula, as you can see, President
Curtis has enacted a plan
to turn all turkeys in America
into hybrid super soldiers.
The move has 100% approval from Congress
following its third
pay raise in six hours.
Back to you.
My God, the bastard's unhinged!
There won't be a single bird left in DC!
Oh, wow, wiping out a native
population on Thanksgiving?
- That's never happened before.
- What did you just say?
Well, I-I associated
Thanksgiving with genocide.
It's what young people do.
I wasn't trying to
The Crypt of the New World.
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around.
You know about the Crypt?
Ugh, so the treasure's already gone.
Wait, is that why you were
stealing the Constitution?
You old fart dick.
The Crypt of the New
World isn't a treasure.
But it might be our only hope.
- Come on.
- But isn't the crypt underneath DC?
The Turkey President's got an army.
An actual Army. And an Air Force.
- And Marines
- Slow down, Morty.
Walk us through every military service.
Does somebody have a pen?
We've got something more powerful
than every army in the world.
Well, no, we don't, but
with the right speech,
we could get a handful of
well-trained hillbillies.
Eh, it worked against
the British. I'm in.
Birds replacin' people.
What would Johnny Cash
or Dale Earnhardt say?
He'd say "It's time to walk the line"
or "Drive very fast
between two of them."
We don't serve your kind here.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
- Read the sign.
-
- He's my boss, Marvin.
- It's okay.
Mistrusting Presidents
is a patriotic duty.
And that guy on TV isn't me.
He's a turkey infused with my DNA.
I'll be damned.
Well, I'm racist.
You better not be here
to take my man again.
- Mary Lou.
- I'm poor!
And pregnant!
- With a poor person!
- And I need you.
And 10% of your baby.
Now, look, I know it's gonna
take more than some speech.
But what is a speech?
Isn't it just a question?
And isn't that a question too?
Speeches are words.
Repeated words.
Listed words.
Repeated lists of repeated words.
None of that matters.
You know what does matter?
Me. Asking you.
"Will you do what I say?"
Just two questions, Chief.
Lock? And load?
They're rhetorical, sir!
Lock and load!
Lock and load!
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be
an unlicensed "Star Wars" AT-AT.
Or as the millennials say, A-T, A-T.
So it begins.
Gobblers! Tonight, we rise!
Aww, geez, geez, geez.
Nice driving, Sanchez.
Wire's down, pen is clear.
You know the goddamn rules!
If you see something
clucking or pecking,
put a buckshot in its panties.
Jesus Christ! T-they got Johnson!
He got off easy.
Hold off the bastards!
- What now, Rick?
- Time to turn up the broiler.
- Whoa, i-is that
- The Crypt of the New World.
The treasure you were after is
this country's oldest secret.
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.
Is that a turkey dinosaur?
America's original rulers.
Merciless beasts, grazing on
the flesh of cowering humans.
Then, in the 15th century,
a vessel crashed.
Two vessels, really.
On board our saviors.
Sanchez, pull that lever
at the same time I do.
Oh, [BLEEP], they're gonna fight!
No, wait, they love each other!
They were at war when they arrived,
but they united over
their hatred of turkeys.
And what they love even
more than each other
is kicking turkey butt.
Gentlemen! Ba'ruka Dar Tin'in Yo-Tei!
Coooooooooorn!
It's working! Come on, Sanchez,
let's power down the humanizer ray.
- Whose side are we on?
- I don't know,
but we've done enough
to pay for college.
Look, we're almost there.
Sorry, my turn for a surprise.
Damn, this guy loves
arriving from the shadows.
Look around. You can't
beat our ancient warriors.
Can't I? My kind has always
dealt with predators.
That's why we sleep in trees.
And that's why, in the wild, we fly.
Now you must choose
Fight me, or stop that weapon from
turning all of America's turkeys
into a new master race.
You dumb dip [BLEEP],
there's three of us,
and two of us are spacemen.
Obviously they're gonna save America
and bring that monument home,
and I'm gonna kick your ass.
Oh, and, Sanchez?
- You got your pardon.
- Aw.
Shut up, Morty. Come on.
- Let's go, bitch.
- So be it.
Is it true what Turkey Man said?
That turkeys sleep in trees?
Who the hell cares, Morty?
Let's just deactivate this [BLEEP].
Calibrating.
Targeting all American turkeys.
Oh, my God, they gave it a voice?
Who is this for? We're in space.
- Geez, Rick, I-I-I guess them?
- Morty, use this carefully.
Crack the humanizer core
and cut the blue wire.
You hear me? Blue wire.
Wha Why don't we just blow it up?
It's a national monument, [BLEEP] nut!
We just got pardoned.
You really wanna do
this again next year?
You forgot something, Turkey Man.
No matter what you
got people to believe,
I'm still the goddamn President.
And you forget, in the one
day I've had your job,
I've learned 10 times as much.
I've underestimated you.
For the last time.
Rick, they're not exactly
primary colors!
A-Are Are we cool
with, like, t-turquoise?
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!
Oh, shit, oh, [BLEEP]
Targets acquired. Activating weapon.
Oh, shit! Oooooooh!
Heritage destroyed.
Morty!
God damn it, you had one job!
I beat you.
Look at me, you turkey ass bitch.
Wait, why are you
- Is that a wishbone?
- I wish to explode.
The Berlin Wall has come down.
It's called the Playstation.
The winner is "Shakespeare in Love."
- Playstation 2.
- Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana
- Playstation 3.
- This is Maroon Five
- Playstation 4.
- The Cubbies win!
I want a Playstation 5.
I wasn't sure when to pull you out.
I-I assumed you were running
through your whole life.
Yes.
And what a life it was.
Gentlemen, thank you once
again for saving this nation.
Slloosh garg blurrg.
I don't speak googa.
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.
But if I could say anything
I'd say give America one more chance.
Kalaak 'ha benben prilo garg.
Oh, my God, they're gonna fight.
Th-They're really gonna fight.
Aw, they love each other!
- Never gets old.
- I'll never get tired of that.
So after those aliens
discovered America
They went into hibernation,
leaving us the technology we
used to lead the free world.
That and also to do stuff like slavery.
I always thought we were
more special than that.
Like we invented everything
and did everything
and that's why we own everything.
Now I-I-I-I don't know what to feel.
Feel thankful, Morty.
Feel thankful.
I know, baby.
Coop, honey, should we get
Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?
You know we can't afford either.
Baby, the President owes you.
You saved him.
Ain't his fault our insurance got cut.
They gotta build missiles.
Ugh, fine, just Can y'all
hold Jakey for a second?
What the hell's he doin'?
I think he's foraging.
Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey.
Well, I refuse to pay for
this man's health care.
Did you get any of that?