Robot Chicken s05e06 Episode Script
Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
It's alive! Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the best 60 seconds in television history.
Aaaaah! Aaaah! Okay, Lorraine, let's meet your suitors.
Bachelor number one is a peeping tom.
Bachelor number two is an attempted rapist.
And bachelor number three is your own son.
I'm becoming a nun.
Hey, thanks for playing, Marty.
My spider sense is tingling, but why?! Is it the green goblin?! The lizard?! Aunt may having another stroke?! Nothing? Okay.
Oh, the milk went bad.
Um, thanks, spider sense? Uh-oh, spider sense tingling! Oh, no Those kids! You tingled me over a puddle?! Face it, tiger You're gonna get laid.
Yes! After tonight, the vulture can't call me a virgin ever again! No, no! Shoo, shoo! Come on, let another part of me tingle for once! Uh-oh! Be more specific! Of course I'm in danger! I'm hundreds of feet above manhat Ugh! Whatever.
Well, Mr.
Parker, it looks like you broke your ankle.
Also, x-rays show a tumor at the base of your skull that is, for lack of a better word, tingling.
Remove it.
Remove it now.
Time of death 3:47 P.
M.
I'm gonna make it rain! So, I told the Oompa-Loompas, "come live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and the Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vernicious knids.
" Aaaaaaah! And 5, 6, 7, 8! ââ¢Âª Oompa-Loompa, doopity ââ¢Âª Arms, people! It's all in the arms! Come on! Oompa-Loompa Hey, you you there! Oh, I'm sorry.
Is this dance too challenging for you? Are you tired? You feeling faint? Why don't you just take a load off, okay? Aaaah! All right, people, here we go again.
This time, with feeling! And 5, 6, 7, 8! Welcome back to "Unwrapped.
" You know, nearly everyone has enjoyed an ice-cream sundae on a hot day, but the origins of this tasty treat may just surprise you.
It's commonly accepted that the sundae was invented in Evanston, Illinois, circa 1890.
We went to Dr.
Peter Yarbourgh for the real scoop.
Here's how [bleep.]
dumb these [bleep.]
heads in Illinois were.
The ice-cream soda had just been invented.
Teenagers liked them.
So, these [bleep.]
religious numbnuts sat around jacking off in church all day, thinking about how much they just hated teenagers and decided true [bleep.]
story, people that God therefore must hate ice-cream sodas.
That's right! These Illinois [bleep.]
knobs concluded that God, creator of the infinite universe who probably had a trillion [bleep.]
better things to do, actually had an opinion about mother [bleep.]
ice-cream sodas! So the state of Illinois banned ice-cream sodas on Sundays, you know, I guess so God wouldn't make it rain crickets or some ridiculous [bleep.]
horse [bleep.]
Long story short, every Sunday, the [bleep.]
ice-cream stores, they'd just ta da! They'd just leave out the soda part, and these Illinois [bleep.]
sat around, jacked off, thinking about how much they had pleased their invisible master, who lives on a [bleep.]
flying cloud or wherever the [bleep.]
he lives! That's how ice-cream sundaes were invented dumb [bleep.]
Illinois assholes! Up next, Skittles.
Oh [bleep.]
Skittles! Can't we try missionary just once? Krabby patties are made out of crabs! Everyone knows krabby patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.
Then explain this! You said you fired Carl, the night janitor, but this is his tattoo! You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy! And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid! And your chicken-of-the-sea salad ha! Tuna! Chicken of the sea is tuna! You fed us to us! You let us pay you to kill us?! You're disgusting! No! I'm the last honest man in bikini bottom! We're all animals, boys and girls! Eating each other is what nature intended! I'm just glad nothing disgusting happens to a sponge.
Okay, just got to scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done.
I said nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge! Ugh, I hope that's pudding in there.
I sure was lucky to get a job after my first two nights at the museums.
Oh, hell, no! Today, I consider meselfThe Lou Gehrig-est man on the face of the earth.
Well, if it isn't this loser.
Snarf, snarf! Oh, man, please don't let this fool start talking to me.
What are you hiding under that pointy hat, feeb he-man's spray tanner? Snarf, snarf! This pathetic jackass can't even go one sentence without saying his own name.
Nice bathrobe, douche! Snarf, snarf.
What if I had a vocal affectation that annoying? Hope it doesn't rain today.
Orko, orko! Would you like fries with that? Orko, orko! I'd end up in a shallow grave.
Asshole.
Snarf.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, okay.
Snarf, snarf.
Speak English, you half-wit! Snarf, snarf! Uh-huh, yeah.
I see.
Kill me, kill me, kill me.
Oh, crap! Do not turn around, please, you son of a bitch! Oh, no, do not turn around! Don't turn around! Gleek, it's me Andy Richter! Oh, seeing you here reminds me of a great Conan story.
A wonderful day to make cookies cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate.
Oh, that I lived to see this day.
Are you sure, Ernest? Yes.
Listen to the voice upon the wind.
You will know it to be true.
Cookie.
Cookie! Cookie! Hold! Hold! Hold! I owed them overtime.
Uh, b-b-b-but you owe me overtime, which is no big deal.
Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! I didn't sign up for this! I just wanted to make cookies! I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo! Aah! Cookie! Agh! Unh! Ohh! Ohh! Aaaaah! Now give the monster what he wants! Diabetes? Good comment on modern culture, but no cookies! Faster, buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, damn it! Save your immaturity for when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! Fudge.
Cookie monster can't stop can't stop eating cookies! They didn't know he have cookie addiction! It like they feed heroin to junkie! It was a home invasion! They acted in self-defense! Order, please! Order! The court finds in favor of Keebler incorporated! I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Me son is dead and you make pun?! Me kill you! Me [bleep.]
kill you!
Aaaaah! Aaaah! Okay, Lorraine, let's meet your suitors.
Bachelor number one is a peeping tom.
Bachelor number two is an attempted rapist.
And bachelor number three is your own son.
I'm becoming a nun.
Hey, thanks for playing, Marty.
My spider sense is tingling, but why?! Is it the green goblin?! The lizard?! Aunt may having another stroke?! Nothing? Okay.
Oh, the milk went bad.
Um, thanks, spider sense? Uh-oh, spider sense tingling! Oh, no Those kids! You tingled me over a puddle?! Face it, tiger You're gonna get laid.
Yes! After tonight, the vulture can't call me a virgin ever again! No, no! Shoo, shoo! Come on, let another part of me tingle for once! Uh-oh! Be more specific! Of course I'm in danger! I'm hundreds of feet above manhat Ugh! Whatever.
Well, Mr.
Parker, it looks like you broke your ankle.
Also, x-rays show a tumor at the base of your skull that is, for lack of a better word, tingling.
Remove it.
Remove it now.
Time of death 3:47 P.
M.
I'm gonna make it rain! So, I told the Oompa-Loompas, "come live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and the Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vernicious knids.
" Aaaaaaah! And 5, 6, 7, 8! ââ¢Âª Oompa-Loompa, doopity ââ¢Âª Arms, people! It's all in the arms! Come on! Oompa-Loompa Hey, you you there! Oh, I'm sorry.
Is this dance too challenging for you? Are you tired? You feeling faint? Why don't you just take a load off, okay? Aaaah! All right, people, here we go again.
This time, with feeling! And 5, 6, 7, 8! Welcome back to "Unwrapped.
" You know, nearly everyone has enjoyed an ice-cream sundae on a hot day, but the origins of this tasty treat may just surprise you.
It's commonly accepted that the sundae was invented in Evanston, Illinois, circa 1890.
We went to Dr.
Peter Yarbourgh for the real scoop.
Here's how [bleep.]
dumb these [bleep.]
heads in Illinois were.
The ice-cream soda had just been invented.
Teenagers liked them.
So, these [bleep.]
religious numbnuts sat around jacking off in church all day, thinking about how much they just hated teenagers and decided true [bleep.]
story, people that God therefore must hate ice-cream sodas.
That's right! These Illinois [bleep.]
knobs concluded that God, creator of the infinite universe who probably had a trillion [bleep.]
better things to do, actually had an opinion about mother [bleep.]
ice-cream sodas! So the state of Illinois banned ice-cream sodas on Sundays, you know, I guess so God wouldn't make it rain crickets or some ridiculous [bleep.]
horse [bleep.]
Long story short, every Sunday, the [bleep.]
ice-cream stores, they'd just ta da! They'd just leave out the soda part, and these Illinois [bleep.]
sat around, jacked off, thinking about how much they had pleased their invisible master, who lives on a [bleep.]
flying cloud or wherever the [bleep.]
he lives! That's how ice-cream sundaes were invented dumb [bleep.]
Illinois assholes! Up next, Skittles.
Oh [bleep.]
Skittles! Can't we try missionary just once? Krabby patties are made out of crabs! Everyone knows krabby patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.
Then explain this! You said you fired Carl, the night janitor, but this is his tattoo! You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy! And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid! And your chicken-of-the-sea salad ha! Tuna! Chicken of the sea is tuna! You fed us to us! You let us pay you to kill us?! You're disgusting! No! I'm the last honest man in bikini bottom! We're all animals, boys and girls! Eating each other is what nature intended! I'm just glad nothing disgusting happens to a sponge.
Okay, just got to scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done.
I said nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge! Ugh, I hope that's pudding in there.
I sure was lucky to get a job after my first two nights at the museums.
Oh, hell, no! Today, I consider meselfThe Lou Gehrig-est man on the face of the earth.
Well, if it isn't this loser.
Snarf, snarf! Oh, man, please don't let this fool start talking to me.
What are you hiding under that pointy hat, feeb he-man's spray tanner? Snarf, snarf! This pathetic jackass can't even go one sentence without saying his own name.
Nice bathrobe, douche! Snarf, snarf.
What if I had a vocal affectation that annoying? Hope it doesn't rain today.
Orko, orko! Would you like fries with that? Orko, orko! I'd end up in a shallow grave.
Asshole.
Snarf.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, okay.
Snarf, snarf.
Speak English, you half-wit! Snarf, snarf! Uh-huh, yeah.
I see.
Kill me, kill me, kill me.
Oh, crap! Do not turn around, please, you son of a bitch! Oh, no, do not turn around! Don't turn around! Gleek, it's me Andy Richter! Oh, seeing you here reminds me of a great Conan story.
A wonderful day to make cookies cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate.
Oh, that I lived to see this day.
Are you sure, Ernest? Yes.
Listen to the voice upon the wind.
You will know it to be true.
Cookie.
Cookie! Cookie! Hold! Hold! Hold! I owed them overtime.
Uh, b-b-b-but you owe me overtime, which is no big deal.
Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! I didn't sign up for this! I just wanted to make cookies! I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo! Aah! Cookie! Agh! Unh! Ohh! Ohh! Aaaaah! Now give the monster what he wants! Diabetes? Good comment on modern culture, but no cookies! Faster, buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, damn it! Save your immaturity for when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! Fudge.
Cookie monster can't stop can't stop eating cookies! They didn't know he have cookie addiction! It like they feed heroin to junkie! It was a home invasion! They acted in self-defense! Order, please! Order! The court finds in favor of Keebler incorporated! I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Me son is dead and you make pun?! Me kill you! Me [bleep.]
kill you!