Shameless s05e06 Episode Script

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express! Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked! Piss off! What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes You sit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh? Eh! Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now! Scatter! Party! 'My Brendan were a strapping lad as a youngster.
'Arms like hams.
Shapely in the leg.
'Had a look of a young John Nettles without the hair.
'Bergerac period, not Midsomer - no, ta.
'Gone to seed by then.
'Dream fella, Brendan.
Knew he were t'one for me.
'Took months to wear him down.
'So handsome.
All t'girls wanted him.
' Fuck off, Worzel! Do you have to do that every night? It's Lillian! Lillian? It's really late! I've been clubbing, but I think there's a burst gas main.
Smell it? 'I was so certain we were meant to be together.
'He got bored arguing and gave in.
'And we were largely happy - apart from the affairs and the drinking.
' What the fuck?! 'There's only room for one great love in my life.
' Clear the area! Wake everyone! ' but there's plenty of time for a few small ones.
'I bloody hope so, anyway.
' Fire brigade! 'I really miss me cock.
' Fire brigade! Fire brigade! Fire brigade! Clot on the sofa's trying to light a fag, boss! Fire brigade! Stand away! Hang on hang on Oh! Coming through! Fucking hell! I think we've found our burst main.
Ribbons! Blood! MY blood! Are you all right, Dad? Get a bucket! I don't want to cause a mess while I'm bleeding to fucking death! Ooooh, chin up, love! Baby doesn't like blood.
Oh, fucking hell, it's Bo Selecta - I'm having a bad dream! Should have let you suffocate! Aaagh! John - upstairs - open some windows.
Yes, Boss.
What's with the torsos? Doing a hen night.
Do you know how much we're paid? 'Kin helll He's bleating - I'm the one looking at the stairway to heaven here! We'll drop him at the hospital.
Oh, what - all the ambulances mobile DJs, are they, this evening? Come on.
Anyone going with him? Are you mad? They know him down at casualty better than we do! Oh cheers, progeny! Beloved spawn So-called loved one! Right, I'm off to my pit.
Mum's got Katie to give me a full night for a change.
I won't be able to kip, now.
All those firemen! Yeah! Cliche, but I'd do 'em! I'll have one of them.
Pissed off without me, again.
Does that happen a lot? Arseholes! Brew? Have you got anything stronger? With my dad in the house? No chance! Thought you'd be all "Don't drink on duty, Ma'am - babies to save".
I'm not on duty.
We were passing, thought we'd check it out, save the boys a trip.
You the couple of the house? Not even close.
I'm single.
What, brother and sister? I don't know why I even bother asking questions about families.
They're all so Fucked.
Yeah.
Ah! They care, after all! You should have a smoke alarm, with that old piss-pot living here.
No offence.
None taken.
Want to come back and fit one for us? Yeah - come and do that.
Why not? Tomorrow? OK.
Sean.
Mandy.
Lan.
All right? Jesus, I'm so obvious! Just a bit! Fit or what? He won't go for you, Mand.
There's a vote of confidence! No, he bats for us.
Piss off! Him? No way.
Tenner says I give him one before you do.
You think everyone's gay.
Can't you be different on your own? Money, and mouth! Bollocks! Tenner.
You'd better not win! I'm gagging for it.
One here, one upstairs.
All lethal, flammable boozehounds covered! I've got cake.
Ta.
Er I've got a shift.
Listen Fancy a drink? Shit! Bastard! He's at work.
The Jockey.
Number of kids you've had, you could pop 'em without touching the sides.
I mean, why bother? Because this little baba is going to be done proper, and I want his daddy there! He'll only nick all the drugs or start a ruck or summat! I could be your birthing partner.
Ask me! No.
Frank is doing it, and he's coming to antenata! To learn how to do it right.
Oh, my God! Stacy-Ann? THE Stacy-Ann? She's a cabbage! You can do well better! She's all right when you get to know her.
I DO know her! Suet dumpling.
Aidy Simpson said I should give her a go.
That dick? Trust me, man, she's well worth it.
Best ever! Ever! Hidden depths.
He gets anyone he wants and she's his best ever.
As long as she doesn't get smitten.
Smitten? When she says "smitten", you gotta bail.
Got me? Smitten - bail.
That is a pathetic reason to go out with someone.
"My mate told me tol" Why do you care? Trapped in a circle on the That's Dad! What are you doing here? Oh - abandoned, tossed out - NHS rubbish! No sharps, medical waste Bevan'd be turning in his grave! Fucking bollocks! Same old, same old - trapping in a fucking circle! Mum's looking for you.
A circle of shite.
Tits first.
Mum and Dad! What's this? Shagging our lass? In me own gaff? I bet he's got the working equipment! Unlike some! Piss off! Last time I saw to you, you couldn't walk for a week! That were a shock! All right, mate? It's Carl, isn't it? Don't mind me and the missus, mate.
If she could give a decent hum job, she'd be a diamond.
Stay for a bit of tea, Carl? You don't have to.
Shut up, you! We like to get to know your friends.
What do you say, Carly? Pork chops and minty tats? Ta.
You can call me Teresa, love.
The pig's Dave.
Look at the arse on that, eh? Not bad for an old bird.
Bag of pear drops and a penny chew, please, Mister.
I need a piss.
Beer pourer - barman.
Toucher of old men's cocks - rent boy.
Do you see the difference? Seems to know a lot about it.
While we're on old people, shouldn't we ban that? That's her new fella! Jeff works in finance.
Hiya, Fireman Sam! Didn't recognise you with your kecks on! Well, same problem for me, gas victim! So coincidence? No, I've just been fitting your smoke alarm and Mandy said, erm I had a bet on with her.
Let me guess Buy us a pint with your winnings! - I get off in ten minutes.
- Yeah? I've got a room.
You a bit of a slag, Ian? Too right! You a bit of a prude, Sean? Only to slags.
So what? Six months courting, meet the parents, find out my intentions? Summat like that! Get us a pint.
Driving us, then? Where to? Trampolining.
I said.
Oh Right.
Do you want dropping anywhere, Carl? Yeah, ta.
There's a spare chop here.
No need to hurry away.
Well, you can't have it! Not with that great hanging gut! Right, see you later then.
Do you know? I believe I've miscounted.
There isn't another chop.
I'll see if I can catch them up Have you had your portion, Carly? I'm not sure I have.
Perhaps I should suck on your bone.
If you want.
End of my shift.
I don't shag strangers.
Why don't you try something new? All right.
Why not? Shit! What? Emergency pager.
It'll just be a kid with his head stuck in some railings.
Who-who-whoah! Easy, tiger! Oooh! Oooh! Oh, yes! Oooh! Oh, yes! Oh! Oh, yes! Listen, all you have to do is be there and bring me some flowers or something! I know my limitations.
All I am saying is just be there and hold my hand and say "Welcome to the world, little babyl" I didn't want to say, and I know you don't like me mentioning this, but it's them little twins.
I was there at the birth and it was like the fucking Battle of the Somme.
I couldn't go through that again.
Right.
So you did it for her, but you won't do it for me! Look, it's not Ah! It's not just the horror.
It's the memories.
It's all I've got left of Gordon and Delia.
You can give me that, can't you? It tears my heart out every time I think of them.
You, more than anyone, you know what it's like not to be with your kiddies.
Nigel and Delia.
It's Nigel and Delia, not Gordon! Piss off! How many of you are there? I'm bound to get the odd name wrong, aren't I? What am I, a census?! You are coming! Look, I just Fuckin' little thingy in the nest, you are! Fuck you! If I'd fathered you, I'd tear me own balls off! If you'd fathered me, I'd help! You should have got a chair years ago.
Suits you never having to get off your arse.
Abused, slashed Why do I come in here? Because we serve beer and we haven't barred you this week.
You've been getting some, haven't you? Why d'you say that? I can tell.
You're all smug-looking and shit.
Cheers, Mickey.
Glad you're so pleased for us.
It's true, then? Maybe.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Out my fuckin' space, man! Touching me! What are you, some kind of fuckin' queer boy? - Shane! - I'm sorry I accidentally touched you.
- It's all right.
- Don't do that.
What you gonna fucking do about? - Christ! - Eh! That's our kid! It's all right! It's all right! I know him! I know him! There's no need, yeah? There's no need, eh? It's only Shane.
You know what he's like! Come on.
He well deserved that! He's a prick and a half! - I was a prick, too.
- It was hot! I wasn't expecting you to Look, we've done it your way - let's try mine.
How about I take you away from all this? What? Take me where? Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there? Are you coming? Is that where you chuck a ribbon in the air and dance about on a mat? Or a ball.
What? Chuck a ball in the air, too.
When? Rhythmic gymnastics.
You were asking! Oh, yeah.
Great.
Ah! The lovebirds! Cooing and billing - nice! You off for physical jerks, madam? The exercise she does and she still thinks she's got a hymen! Mum! Getting me kit.
What a waste, when she's got this one! D'you remember when you were a bit of a specimen, Dave? This morning, weren't it? You wish.
Drop you anywhere, Carl? I'm fine, thanks.
Dad.
Don't know anything, does he? Course he doesn't.
He wouldn't care anyway.
You sure? Of course I am.
Trousers off! No Argh! No, it's not for me, that one! Yes! This is Jeff - works in finance.
That right? Don't expect to get anyone at my age, never mind someone wi' a proper job! So how did you meet? Slow dating.
What's that? Speed dating for pensioners.
Do you watch Corrie? Do you watch Corrie? Do you watch Corrie? I sometimes watch Emmerdale! Fuck it - that'll have to do! We've been inseparable ever since.
So what exactly do you do in finance, Jeff? Security.
Very responsible! Pushbike squad! Mountain bike patrol! It's not a demotion - they're better for getting round the estates.
How can we help? - Frank been in? - It's a day of the week, isn't it? - We're gunning for him.
- He knows why, too! So where are your bikes? Outside.
Outside here? Police are looking for you! What? Oh This is what happens when you live life on the margins! Society releases its pitbulls.
Been robbing charity boxes again, have we? Fuck off! Where've you been? - Bridlington.
Gay capital of Yorkshire! - Yeah? Got taken away.
Hotel and everything! What's with the bag? Gonna be at The Jockey for a bit.
What? You know gays are, like, famous for casual sex and that? Go on, surprise me! Is that all there is? I mean, you go out with someone and it's all right, but you want to shag their friend and you like them, but I mean, is it all right to have sex with someone that you don't even like if it's really good sex? And they can cook! Or does that not matter? Listen, are you shagging our mum? How d'you guess? Hey, we're ticking a list - sex, travel, food Peanut butter's rank! Cheers.
What's next? - Meeting mates? - Meeting family? No chance! I wouldn't inflict mine on anyone! Honestly! That's stiff for someone who stayed in a hotel with someone.
God, you really are young and naive, aren't you? You think that was a hotel? Barely even made it to guesthouse.
Why'd you take me there? Am I a cheap date? - No, it's gay friendly.
- How? The woman serving there had a tache.
Oh Peanut butter! Fuckin' hell! Nasty! Gallagher! Come here! Frank! Frank! Can you stop? Frank! Come here! Gallagher! You should be ashamed of yourself! Oh, spare me the fuckin' lecture! Hospital property, Francis! You're lucky it was us that saw the CCTV! Anyone else, you'd be on a charge.
They're not superficial, you know! They hurt! So You stole a wheelchair to try and get out of going to antenatal classes? Yes! Tosser! I don't care if Monday's blue Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too You remember Sean, don't you? The Shane nutter! Yeah, we've met.
I'm really sorry about that.
Well, Sean's probably gonna be around for a bit, if he plays his cards right.
Howdy doody! Yeah.
You off out? Yeah.
Hey, you couldn't give us a hand, could ya? Yeah.
Can't we even have a family drink without you going off on one? It's not my fault you can't get it up any more.
I didn't hear you complaining this morning! Yeah? What d'you want? I can't talk now.
I'll be there.
Look, I've got to go.
What's up? Nothing.
Just a crisis at work.
I'll see ya.
I'm sorry.
What's all that about? Dunno.
You don't think it was "if he plays his cards right", do you? I'm such a dick! Teresa, we can't! Scared of showing your cock, Carl? Er, no! Bit of a bad pint.
You were drinking Coke! I'm having a shit, Dave! Jeez, Teresa - it's too close for me! I can't help meself, love.
I'm smitten! Smitten? Bail! You've really touched me.
And I don't just mean the sex.
I hate hurting Dave.
I hate it.
But what can I do? D'you feel the same way, Carl? Say you do! Yeah.
Course I do! This is big time now.
But if you want to stop, you say the word.
Can I rely on you? Yeah, course you can.
Ian! Hey, wait up! Weren't sure I'd see you again.
Why? Your excuse.
Your work crisis.
There wasn't one, was there? Hey, hey, it was a crisis.
Just not work.
It was my brother.
It was just too boring to tell you the truth.
I thought I messed up coming across all Mr Cocky Bollocks in front of Jamie and Karen.
Course you didn't.
If you say something that pisses me off, I'll tell you.
I promise.
You do the same for me.
Where you off? I was going home.
Do you fancy a visitor? Everyone's in.
And? You really want to meet the fuckers? Yeah! - Right, come on.
- Right, then! Hiya, love.
Give us a kiss.
I can't, we're on a wages run.
You can stop long enough to give your girlfriend a kiss.
Oh, two seconds, Bradley.
Come here! What?! Did you do this? No, I didn't! You're an inside woman.
It's a set up! I didn't, Trev.
Don't hate me! I was going to the chemist.
Condom run for the girls.
Don't tell us that! It's the truth! Let's not complicate the armed robbery with living off immoral earnings.
You'll get 15 years.
In prison?! No-one thinks Lillian was involved.
Judas! Judas! Does that mean we're finished? Judas! I think he really meant it.
I've been dumped.
So, you don't care that I'm scared? And what about me? There's no point in us both cracking it, is there? Come on, we're fucking useless.
We both know it.
I know.
I'll do you a swap.
You come to the birth, and I will get the doctor to put in an extra stitch downstairs.
Honeymoon fresh.
Make it two, and you got yourself a deal.
Tinker.
Monica Gallagher.
Just realised what you look like with those bandages on.
Oh, surprise and delight me with your acute observation! The Mummy! Everyone's a comedian! Gary Bennett's died.
What, the impressionist? No, Ian's real dad.
Oh.
Good.
This is Sean.
Hello.
All right? It's official then? You two an item? Yeah, laugh once, then get over it.
Bastards.
Sean, I've got some photos of Ian from when he was a baby, do you wanna see? If you said you were bringing a new friend round, I would have hoovered! Yeah, all right! Do you wanna sit down, Sean? Ta.
Are you Liam? I hear you've got a healthy interest in fire.
I've grown out of that.
Oh.
All right.
You won't want a ride in the engine, then? No, I want that.
I really want that! For you, Carl.
Who is it? Quick, mind.
I've left him, Carl! I've finally left him! For real, this time.
And I've told him everything - everything! I'm free, Carl.
I'm free! This is the real Teresa.
I just bombed out the house.
What did Dave say? Terrible things.
Oh, some threats.
He's a horrible, cruel man.
I blame Strangeways.
Brutalised him.
Why was he there? GBH with menaces.
Six years.
Very harsh.
Fella's still got his other eye.
Just hold me, Carl.
Just hold me! When I say just hold me, I didn't mean just hold me! Do me, Carl! What? What is it? I can't.
Not here.
Don't be scared.
You've seen the belly on him.
You can outrun that porker until Christmas.
- I'll get us a shag pad.
- Yeah.
Then we can be together.
What? You're not gonna let me down.
Are you? Just gonna get a cup of Jesus! In case you wondered, you're dumped.
Sorry.
My dad's gonna tear your dick off and shove it in your mouth.
Thought you liked me.
Taking advantage of me like that.
Scum! That's what you gotta do.
What? Dump the geriatric weirdo.
It's not that easy.
Yeah, it is.
Just tell her she's a dirty old perv.
Chuck her.
How? Tell her now.
Is it always like this? Pretty much.
I'll kill myself! I'll throw myself under a bin lorry! I'm not gonna lose ya, I won't! No, no, stop it! I wasn't gonna chuck ya, I wasn't.
Honest.
I was gonna suggest someone who might have a flat for us.
Sweet, sweet boy.
I'll stay at me sister's for now.
Walk me there.
- See ya later.
- See ya later.
Could you stop smiling? You're making me puke.
You must have a fit straight friend I could do.
I'm too busy shagging to meet friends.
Shame.
I remember that.
It's like a distant memory.
Think it's time I got back on the bike.
You look good together.
Piss off.
I mean it! Not as good as I'd look with him, but! Debbie, have you got anything black that would fit me? Erm, no.
Why don't you try Norma? Can hardly wear one of her T-shirts to a funeral.
Who's died? Oh, sorry, love it's your dad.
- Dad?! - Oh, not that dad, Ian's dad.
Gary.
Shit.
You didn't know him, though, did you? Uh I didn't actually know you knew who he was.
It was a chat I've been meaning to have together.
I'm not going to get the chance to know him now.
Mmmm.
Do you go to the funera! Of everyone you've slept with? Debbie, that would be absurd.
No, I gave him a clock and I want it back.
It were me gran's.
I always liked it.
Probably worth enough to put up with the names from his wife.
Do you want to come? See this?! You want to take a wild guess? I'll see to you, Carl! You're as good as dead! As good as fucking dead! There's your dead dad.
Not much of a turnout, is it? That's alcoholics for you.
Biggish family, mind.
Yeah.
Nothing compared to us, though.
Just four lads with that blonde bitch.
Panda eyes over there.
Those four? Yeah.
Well, you'd have to be related to touch her.
What is it? Can't stay.
- What about me clock? - Now! Oh, Ian! What a fuckin' mess.
Too right.
What's up with you? It's her! Don't answer! Don't answer! Ian? Ian, it's Sean.
Don't answer! First row? Sean, come on! - Should I get that one? - No! Carl? Carl? It's me.
I've got to speak to you, love.
I've got tol Ian, I need to talk to you.
I'll see you later, love.
Fuck's sake! I'm guessing you haven't slept with your boyfriend's dad Much worse than that, mate.
You've been a twat and now you're paying for it.
Lesson learnt.
Not many free fucks about, are there? Up yours! - Don't! - He's gone.
It'll work itself out.
Bound to be a tiff when you're starting out.
A tiff? That's what you fuckin' think, is it? Do you not think I'm a real fuckin' person? Don't think it matters cos it's two blokes? Cos it's I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Sorry? All right? Yeah.
Heard about your old fella.
Yeah, well you're better off with me, son, cos from what I hear he was an hopeless piss-pot.
Yeah, and you're quite good at it.
That I am, son.
That I am.
What's going on? Kids get to a certain age, you'd rather not know what they're up to.
I'll say.
About two weeks old for me.
Your dad It was your dad who died - Gary? How did you know? Why didn't you stay? What? Old mate of my mum's.
I were keeping her company.
I didn't know it were your I saw you.
I thought you'd think I was some stalker weirdo.
It was really nice to see you.
It meant a lot.
Why didn't you tell me your dad had died? He's Well, he'd been ill for a while.
I got the call here - you know, the crisis? It wasn't my brother, it was him.
I don't know, it just seemed a turn-off.
We'd only just met and it was all going I didn't even like him.
He was a joke.
A drunk.
Cruel, absent loser.
I don't know.
But your dad's your dad.
Hey Hey, I'm the one who should be upset.
You're looking after me.
Yeah.
Come here.
All right, speak to the bloke.
Tell him to take her back.
Very sorry, big mistake, won't happen again.
All that bollocks.
He's gonna cut my balls off.
Well meet him somewhere public.
The Jockey.
What's he gonna do in there? Shit! He's not here.
He works at Help the Aged.
You should try him there.
Very funny.
Some day you will know our love is real.
I will find him.
Where's the fire? Thanks.
Me dad and that.
It's important having someone I haven't done anything.
Having someone there for me.
You're not just great sex, Ian.
I love you.
I don't love you.
That's all right.
I'm emotional.
Blabbermouth.
I don't wanna carry on seeing you.
What? What, you're chucking me? My dad's just died.
I don't believe you.
You're not that fuckin' cruel.
We're getting on.
We're solid.
I know we are.
What is it? There's something else? No Yes, there is.
What is it, Ian? Tell me.
Look, we agreed If I've pissed you off My mum Monica Gallagher.
She wasn't an old mate of your dad's.
She got pregnant by him.
We're brothers.
Fuck off.
What about the waster, Frank? He's my dad.
But my real dad was Gary.
Look, I know that this hasn't worked out and I'm sorry.
Really.
I didn't mean to Take the piss out of me? My family, my whole fuckin' existence.
No, I didn't.
I just think we need to be straight with each other.
I love that woman.
I love the very bones of her.
I can't Life Life's unimaginable without her.
I can't see it.
I just can't.
I don't want her.
I want you to take her back.
She's yours.
Just have her.
So you'll chuck her then, just like that? Like she was a piece of fuckin' rubbish.
I can't get my head around it.
We're brothers.
I think I don't wanna stop seeing you.
We're related.
Yeah, but does it matter? Does it have to be incest? That stuffs for straights, to stop them having daft kids.
We're not breeders.
I think I think we know it does.
I feel completely different.
You do too.
Nobody knows.
We could carry on.
We just had sex, for God's sake.
It still works.
No, it doesn't.
We know.
It's over.
Do you want a drink or something? We didn't want it to turn out like this.
So what's it going to be this time then? Both eyes? Or do I get you back? It's too late.
No, it's not.
It's not too late.
This? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
I'm 16.
I'm just randy.
Take me back or you're gonna see brains.
Dave, don't.
- Bastard! - Oh, for Christ's sake, don't! Leave it, Shane! Let's have you! Dave! What the fuck was that? You just fuckin' shot us? Dave! It was loaded! Why did you load it? I meant it, Teresa.
It was really loaded.
That's how much he needed me.
I'm sorry, Carl.
But how could I leave a man who would do that for his woman? So what was I? I'm sorry, love.
It's better we finish now.
Cos he needs me and I have to go back.
Always.
I'll never forget you but we're locked together, me and him.
It's for life.
Sorry.
You used me to get your fuckin' kicks? When you get married, you'll understand.
Fuck that.
Youse two deserve each other.
No wonder your daughter's a fucked up nut job.
'Hilda Ogden never cried when Stan died.
'Not until she got home, found a pair of his glasses 'on the sideboard.
Set her right off.
'I understood that when I got widowed.
'All over the house, little ghosts waiting to jump out.
'They remind you of the things you're not going to share.
' Did he just try and shoot you? No.
Showing off to his wife, apparently.
So what's happened to you two? You split up already? Why? You don't wanna know.
'When you're with someone, 'there's a future, a present, something to look forward to.
'Then they've gone and there's nothing in front.
'It's all back.
'Memories, regrets and it never stops.
' We had the same dad.
We're brothers.
Half brothers.
Are we half brothers? Don't worry, you're safe.
Dick! You muppet! Oi, look out!